Original subtitles

Here you go.

Bigelow? Give Lovettanother unit of whole blood.

And keep your eye on that drainage, okay?

Yes, Doctor.

-Do you get off at dawn?-Yes, Doctor.

Same here. You wanna meet in the supply tent

and take stock of each other?

Absolutely not, Doctor.

A simple yes would've sufficed.

-Hey, Hawk? -Yes.

Give me a hand here, will ya?

Hold this tension.

When are you gonna learn

to pull your ownweight around here?

Just be a second. He usedto work on a chain gang.

Shelling?

Couldn't be.The angels are bowling.

Sounded like one of our 105s.

-How do you know?

-I'm in the army.

That one's comingfrom the other direction.

Great. We're ina cross fire. Hurry up.

All right. Take it easy.I'm sure they don't mean it.

We're safe as long as theykeep aiming at us.

How about if we get some coffee?

Good idea.I'm getting sleepy.

Nothing to worry about. Happens all the time.

Yeah, this'll all blow over.

Reassuring. Very reassuring.

-What the hell's going on?-And from every direction.

Shut up, both of you.I'm trying to raise I-Corps.

Should we tell him he doesn'thave a phone in his hand?

Colonel, you don't havea phone in your hand.

KLINGER: Hello? I-Corps?

Just a second! Here, sir.

Klinger, you got room for two more?

No. I'm wearing a full skirt.

Hello. Colonel Sherman Potter.

Get me the Artillery FireDirection Center.

Yeah, I guess you couldcall this an emergency!

-We surrender already! -Boy, if I had a stick

with a white handkerchief on it, I'd show them.

Maybe if we stoodon the roof

-and put up our hands.-Hello, Major?

Colonel Sherman Potter,MASH 4077.

Stop the shelling! Stop it! Stop it!

You gotta reason with them.

Colonel, we're runningthree different battles here.

I don't have time to chat.

You're where? Ouijongbu?

Yes! We're engaging a Chinesebattery two miles south.

You're what? You can't be.

4077th MASHis 12 miles to the east.

In your hat. We were therefor two days three weeks ago.

'Cause we're mobile, that's why.

What do you think the big M stands for?

Did you forget to file your DOA-63/A,

notifying H.Q. about that?

Major, and I'm usingthat title for the moment,

we are in your line of fire!

Tell him money is no object.

All right, let's assumeyou made a mistake

and you are out there.

According to procedure,I need to know you're you.

Authenticate a Victor Zuluaccording to the S.O.I.

Klinger, where's the code book?

It's not under here.

Find it. Find it.

Radar's got nothing in here

but National Geographicsabout Tahiti and New Guinea.

Yeah? Take 'em back to the Swamp.

What about "Signal Operating Instructions"?

S.O.I.! That's it!

Victor..."Victor Mature.

Victor Zulu." Victor Zulu.

And I respond, uh, "Eskimo Pie."

Sorry. That is incorrect.

Obviously, you havea superseded code book,

Colonel Potter,

if that's who you are.

What do you mean,"if that's who you are"?

Look, you dunderhead,

I'm me! But I'm notgonna be me much longer

if you don't squirt the battle in another direction!

I'm sorry, Colonel.

Without the properauthorization response,

we have no wayof knowing who you are.

Look, if you are one of us,

get out of there. You're in danger.

And if you're one of them,

stay right where you are,and we'll get to you, comrade.

He thinks I'm Chinese.

I don't see it myself.

Why don't we justcall the people

that are doingthe actual shooting?

That could be anybody.

This whole thing

is probablyover somebody's wife.

I'll call General Imbrie.

He knows my voice. He'll identify me.

KLINGER: I'm way ahead of you, Colonel.

There's only one thing wrong.

The phone's kaput.

We gotta do something.

We're sitting in a future crater.

All right, a senior staff meeting

in the mess tent in five minutes.

Last one thereis a dead duck.

I'm coming with you!

Then again, why do you need me?

Well, folks, the way I see it,

we're in the middle of a boxing ring

between two blindfolded fighters.

What you aresaying, Colonel,

in your inimitablyfolksy style,

is thatwe are doomed.

It soundedso much betterwhen he said it.

Now there's a wicked left hook.

Sorry I'm late.

I forgot where I'd put my steel pot.

Then I remembered I used itto plant azaleas.

It still smells of mulch.

But, as they say, any pot in a storm.

What a wonderful pun,Father.

You can replant thoseazaleas on my grave.

Oh, I'm sure He'll protect us.

-Here, Father. Sit by me.-Thank you.

Padre, I was just saying

-our situation looks desperate. -Right.

-But not hopeless. -Wrong.

Apparently, neither sideknows we're here.

A major move under these conditions

would be more dangerousthan staying,

but there's no time to dig bunkers.

Now tell us the bad news.

Well, I've done some checking,

and we do have an alternative.

Dig a holeand come up in Kansas.

-Actually, you're not far off.-California?

About a half mile west of here,

there's an abandoned cave

that the North Koreansused as an aid station.

A cave? There must bea better place than a cave.

I think it's a brilliant idea. Let's go.

At least we'll beunder some cover.

-Exactly. Let's go!-Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We can't geteverybody in there.

I believe we can. It'll be a tight fit,

but if we just take the bare necessities,

we should make it.

We'll enter according to rank, sir.

-Let's go. -Just a second.

You want to move patientsto a damp cave with no heat?

We'll take a few space heaters.

Just moving them is risky.

I got a chest case in therejust came out of O.R.

Fine. You stay here with your patient.

I'm sure he'll be very grateful

when the shells start falling around you.

-Hold it. Listen.

There. See? They stopped.No problem. We stay here.

-That's it. We move.

-ALL: -HAWKEYE: Wait a second.

MMARGARET: Take out the I.V.Before you load him up.

It's gonna be awfully crowded in there.

Kellye? Come on.

If we miss this ride,we'll have to thumb.

-Doctor? -Yeah.

There's still a fair amount of bloody drainage.

Could be a small bleeder.I'll check him on the bus.

Enjoy the ride, kid. It'sthe only way to see Korea.

Help you acrossthe street, ma'am?

I'm used to it. I got my familythrough nine evictions.

This neighborhood'scertainly falling apart.

Wait a minute. Put him down.I'm losing tension.

Easy, O'Malley.We'll get you out of here.

We're gonna have to rig up something so he can travel.

-Doc-- -Uh, just take it easy, O'Malley.

We're working on it.

How about a couple of crutches?

-Not for a couple of months.-No, no.

You could set 'em on eitherside and use it as a splint.

Then tie the ends together,use it as a fulcrum,

and then adjust the tension.

Yeah. Yeah, that should work.

Sort of like a Thomas splint.

You're really something, O'Malley.

Is there anything you don't know?

Yeah, how to duck.

Is that it?

Yeah, unless we left the bathtub running.

Colonel, I've been thinking.It might be worth it

to leave somebody hereto keep an eye on the place.

Pierce, these caves havebeen around for centuries.

They're perfectly safe.

It wouldn't be any trouble.

I'll just surround myself with sandbags

and say "Who goes there?" a lot.

We're going to the cave.Get on.

-Transfer, please.

All right, Klinger.Turn it over.

You mind if I put the top up, sir?

It might deflect the shells.

Nah, it's too nice an evening.

Wagons ho!

Wait! Stop! Klinger, stop that jeep!

Where do you thinkyou're going?

He was about to leave without you, sad sack.

Drop that junk and get in.

Junk? These are mybarest necessities.

I'm not leavingwithout them.

Drive on, Klinger.

Klinger! Wait!

Aah!

MARGARET: Come on! Come on! Let's go! Hurry!

-Let's go! Let's go! Step it up, huh? -Be careful.

Okay. Go.

Extra blankets for every patient.

It's all rock here, and everything's wet.

-There you go. Got it? -Got it.

Oh, yeah, there's home.

Just how I pictured it:a vine-covered hole.

-How's it doing, O'Malley?-Feels fine. Not much pain.

Lucky for him he wasaround to help himself.

It looks awfully low in there.

Come on. I need helpsetting up a pulley inside.

-I'll stay out here and direct traffic. -You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.Why do you ask?

Nothing. I've just never seen you this brave before.

No, I'm fine, really.Save me a stalagmite.

-Anything left out here?-Just me.

Before I go in, sir,I demand

you send out a patrolto rescue my wardrobe.

Into the cavewith the rest of the bats.

All right, Pierce. Everyone's in. Let's go.

Uh-huh.

Here I am, going in.

And here I am, coming out.

Pierce, what are you doin'?

Do you have anythingin a larger size?

Look, son, I don't know what's gotten into you,

but as your commander,

I can't go in until you go in, so in you go.

I don't think so, Colonel.

I don't breathetoo well in there.

You know what I mean?

Claustrophobia?

Ever since I was a kid.

People used to thinkI kept my clothes in a pilebecause I was a slob.

It's just that I couldn'tstep into a walk-in closet.

Look, I know there's plenty of air in there

and the walls aren't gonna cave in,

but that's what's gonna happen,so let's just forget it.

I wish I'd known before, son,

but I don't know what elsewe could've done.

What else was there to do?I couldn't jeopardizethe whole unit

on account of my stupid,irrational fears

which happen to be real.

Easy now. Nobody's gonna force you

to do what you can't do.

If you have to stay outside,

then keep close to the entrance,

where it's a little safer.

-All right? -All right.

-All right. -All right.

Hi, honey! I'm home!

Hello. Just stay calm.

Everybody make room for each other.

Breathe slowly. Save someair for the next person.

I'm sure there's plenty for everybody.

Don't panic just 'causethe walls are closing in.

Make a hole. Comin' through.

Hello, Hawkeye.

Kind of cozy, isn't it? Excuse me.

Father, whatever you'regoing out for, I'll get it.

I wasn't going out.

I'll get it anyway.

POTTER: Make room.Make room.

Oh, you made it inside.Proud of you, son.

How're you holding up?

Fine. Great. Fantastic.

-Get me outta here. -What's the matter?

He's got a littleclaustrophobia.

Oh, dear. Well, you shouldn't be here.

Father, you have a realgrasp of the obvious.

-May I be excused?-Right. Comin' through!

Right. Let him through! Let him through!

I'm gettin' out and goin' for coffee!

Easy, son. Easy.

We need a sentry here anyway.

It'll be all right,Hawkeye.

If you'd liketo talk about it,

I'm working downat the other end.

Uh... Oh, well.

Right now I just need a little room, okay?

Ah-ha.

Nice of the North Koreansto leave us this hook.

They probably used it for the same thing.

Don't be silly.

They used itto hang themselves

after spending an hourin here.

This caveis a terrible idea.

One direct hiton the entrance,

we'll be sealedin here for eternity.

A little louder,you could start a stampede.

-I haven't evenmentioned the dampness.-Don't.

Oh, sure. You don't havesinus trouble.

I hope you're notsubject to pneumonia,because that's next.

When they finallyfind our skeletons,

they won't be ableto tell who's who

because the dog tagswill all be rusted over.

Listen, Gloom Hilda, will you keep it down.

There are a lot of frightened people here.

And I'm one of them,so I will say what I please.

I don't think you need the other sandbag.

-What? -The second sandbag...

it's too much weight.

Charles, I checked the X-ray.

I want more tension on the leg.The weight is perfect.

Fine. Fine. Brilliant.

Too bad it's all academic.

We're gonna be buriedin here anyway.

Winchester, I know we'rein kind of a tough spot here.

Nerves are a little raw.People are kind of anxious.

Make one more doomsday remark,

you're gonna need splints for all your teeth.

To answer you in your owndead-end parlance,

"Youse and whom else?"

-Just "mese." -You know, boys,

these modern caveshave terrific acoustics.

You can hear everything10 times. So shut up.

I still say this caveis a terrible idea.

I heard that.

Hi, Lovett.

Where did they get you?

Don't talk like that to your blood bank.

How do my corpuscles feel, by the way? Warm, I bet.

I'm a warm-blooded guy. My desert heritage.

How much do I need?

Don't worry. Whatever it is, I can spare it.

Besides, there's more where I came from.

Father Mulcahy and Major Winchester

have the same type blood as me,

except one's a little purer and one's a little bluer.

How's it going, Klinger?

Major, I was justtelling Lovett here

that you and me have the same blood type.

That is not funny, Klinger.

It's in the records.

Ironic, huh? Us two, brothers under the skin?

That's as demoralizinga thought

as I have ever encountered.

Klinger, stop talkingto the patient, please.

It's bad enough he hasto have you in his veins,

let alone his ears.

Some brother.

CHARLES: I heard that.

Where are you going?

Down to the corner to buya paper and a larger room.

No, no, no. Stay here. Come on.

I'll sit with you.

Do you believein reincarnation?

What?

Looking in theremakes me think

of all the things I wouldn'twant to come back as:

a snail, an oyster,a turtle.

Can youimagine me as a turtle?

Afraid to getinto my own shell.

I'd die of embarrassment,

all the other turtles laughingat me in my underwear.

I wish I was strongand brave like you.

Ha! That's a laugh.

As much as you want to get out of this cave,

that's how much I want to stay in.

Oh? You like suffocation?

With you, it's closed-in places.

With me, it's loud noises.

I've always been oversensitive to them.

-Trains, a car backfiring---

Shellfire. I hate shellfire.

So naturally,you joined the army.

To be a nurse.

Every time a shell goes off,

I have to practically nail my feet to the floor

to keep myself from running away.

Don't worry about that.That wasn't close.

-Aah!

Now that's close.

Boy, I can't leave you twoin the backseat of anything.

We're just sitting underthe rockets' red glare,

sharing our favoriteunreasonable fears.

I see it hasn't helped.

This probably won't, either,

but at least it's warm.

-Here. -Thanks.

This is every nightmareI've ever had coming true.

Hang on. The shelling can't last much longer.

-We'll be out of here soon.-What do you mean?

There's all that surplusammo from World War II

they haven't used yet.

I don't know how muchmore of this I can stand.

You'll stand it as long as I do.

Thank heavens none of us has to stand it alone.

I know, and that'sa great comfort,

as long as I'msitting near an opening.

Hawkeye,

Private Lovett's blood pressure's dropping.

-Stay put. I'll get it.-Thanks.

No. Wait a minute.

I'm a doctor,and he's my patient.

Let me try.

-A-Are you sure? -Of course not.

Stay with me, but not too close.

You don't feel it,do you?

Pulse rapid.Skin clammy.

I don't know who'swhiter, him or me.

Excuse me.

Hawk, we're gonnahave to go back in.

But it's dark in there.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

He's bleeding into his belly.It's out of control.

Ohh!

Pump the rest ofthat blood in fast.

Hawk, I'll take care of it.

It's gonna be awfully tough

finding a bleederat the bottom of that well

with no generator,no suction,

and, as an extra addeddistraction, no anesthesia.

I know. But I know a place where we got all that stuff.

So do I. I'm the closestone to it.

Are you sure? You're not exactly yourself.

I will be as longas I stay out of there.

At least I'll have somethingreal to be afraid of.

You know best. I'll tell Potter.

I'm gonna needone of your nurses.

I'll get my helmet.

Margaret, stay here.It's a lot quieter.

I know, I know. I'm crazy,

and I'll probably never forgive myself.

But I'm also the head nurse.

And I'll be damned if I'll send someone else out there

to face what terrifies me.

You're a better nursethan I am, Gunga Din.

Keep those headlights off,

and don't rush to get back there.

Above all, if the shellinggets too close,

for heaven's sake, pull off the road.

Don't tell me.Tell Margaret.She's driving.

Not too fast. I want to readthe Burma Shave signs.

Well, good luck to both of you.

What you're doing takes a lot of guts.

-And no brains.-Don't pick up any hitchhikers.

Can we just get outta here?

Thanks fora wonderful evening.

We'll have you folksover real soon.

Remember, keep the helmets on and the lights off.

Be careful.

-More suction. I can't see.-Suction.

Sounds like they're getting closer.

Keep that suction coming.

-I swear they're getting closer.

I think I found the bleeder.Retractor.

Retractor.

You're doing fine.Now, just let go of it.

Okay. Pull that back.

You know, with Klingerand Mulcahy's blood in him,

this kid'll wake up singing"Ave Maria" in Lebanese.

Margaret, that wassupposed to be funny.

You're not helping meby not laughing.

There's nothing funny about any of this.

All right. Okay, okay.

Let's try something else.A game. 20 Questions.

-You're crazy. -No. It works.

My father used toplay that with us

when we wenton family drives.

Kept our mindsoff throwing up.

Okay. You think of somebodyfamous, living or dead,

and I have to guesswho it is.

I can't play any games.

Think of somebody.

Winston Churchill.

Don't tell me.

Think of somebody else,and keep it to yourself.

-You got somebody? -No.

Well, get somebody.

Boy, you are reallylousy at this game.

All right, all right. I'm ready.

Okay.

Now, first question.

Are you busy Saturday night?

What?

Well, I guessthat rules me out.

Is he a she, or is she a he?

She's a woman.

All right. It's eitherEleanor Roosevelt

or Marilyn Monroe.

-This is stupid.

Stop! Give me another question.

-Is she living or dead?-

That's a dumb question.Is she vegetable or mineral?

-Are you gonna play or not?-All right, all right.

-She's dead. -Dead.

Uh, uh, more thana hundred years?

-Yes. -500?

-Yes.-Boy, she must look awful.

-Is she married?

-Wait a minute. -Separated?

No, shh! Listen.

Come on, Margaret.We're doing so well.

No, no. Listen.

It's stopped. The shelling's stopped.

Well, hold on.

They may just be reloadingthe cotton in their ears.

No, no, no. It's over.

We made it.

Boy, we are really brave.

Yeah. Well, let's just keep thinking that.

Um...

Joan of Arc.

How did you know?

It's easy. Who elsewould you be thinking of

in the last five minutes?

POTTER: Look for Pierceand Houlihan.

Careful, careful!

Easy through the doorway.

Sir, there's life, barely.

I don't know about them,but he's okay.

Aw, let 'em sleep. They deserve it.

-They're home. -Oh, good.

-We better help. -Right.