Original subtitles

MAN : Attention. Attention, all personnel.

The mess tent is closed this afternoon

for the medical staff meeting.

Unfortunately, it will reopen

for dinner at 1700 hours.

Meeting will come to order.Any old business?

-Yeah. Can I go home? -Get behind Klinger.

All right. New business.

Any gripes,now's the time to squawk.

Thank you, Major. I have your list.

Once again

I must protest the almost criminal

lack of privacy in this camp.

Can't we have separate latrines

for every officer over the rank of captain?

Yeah, and you and Margaretcan build it.

My turn. Triage.

There's too muchdiscussion out there.

Make up your minds,then act on it.

I do my part, but nobody listens to me.

You, for instance.Don't take case histories.

Just diagnose your man,then move on.

Major Houlihan.

What did I do?

Margaret, put away your paranoia.

The colonel is obviously picking on everybody.

Tell your nursesnot to be shy

about hauling a litterif they have to.

Some of themare stronger than I am.

Can I have their names?

Mail call, sir.

Should Ileave it in my office,

or can I disturb you now?

-Radar, later, later.

Yes, sir. I'll leavethis picture postcard

of your grandsonon your desk.

Uh, mail call,folks.

I move the meeting be adjourned.

-Second. -Third. -Motion carries.

See you next year in Atlantic City.

Wow! Look at thatlittle Corey.

What a moose.

Yeah. He weighs 56 pounds.

He's walkin' aroundlike crazy,

and he likes to catch bugsand eat 'em.

That's all I read, sir.And your daughtersends her love.

I'm divorced.

Huh?

It's official.

This is my finaldivorce decree.

I'm officially divorced.

Congratulations, Margaret.

Or condolences. Whichever the case may be.

Margaret, it's what youwanted, isn't it?

B.J.: Margaret?

Yes, yes!

-I've been waiting for months.-

Uh-oh. Choppers. Loaded.

All right, people. I gave youthe halftime pep talk.

Now go get 'em.

Sorry to spoilyour celebration, ma'am.

Miss Houlihan, you're on.

Yeah, yeah.

I just can't get over this good news.

Right.

Come on, Winchester.

That's what Iwas talking about.

Get your rear in gear.

Colonel, I appreciate your concern for speed,

but I always like to get as complete a--

Let me put it this way:move!

You do have a way with words.

Get him into X-rayright away.

Ooh! Gee, I'm sorry!Excuse me.

Looks like I hit the rush hour.

Yeah. Things are kind of bad'cause of the war, you know.

I'm Lieutenant Linda Nugent,your new nurse.

Just tell me what to doand where to go.

Oh, right. Major Houlihan!

She'll tell you where to go.She's good at that.

Major Houlihan, may I introduceyou to our new Nugent who's--

I mean, this is, uh,Lieutenant Nugent,our new nurse.

Stow your gear and report to me immediately.

Uh, I'm the company clerk around here.

If there's anythingyou need, I'm the guyyou come and get it from.

Oh, thanks. It's alwaysnice to have a friend.

Oh, yeah. Well,it's always nice to be had.

Major Houlihan, I have a bleeder here.

-Will you help me stem the tide, please? -Yes, doctor.

Get your rear in gear, Margaret.

Isn't that how it goes, Colonel?

I don't want your respect,Winchester, just your love.

More suction.

Hmph. We are treated like chattel here.

Tote that barge. Lift that gurney.

Speak your mind, you need an attorney.

Why aren't you laughing, Margaret?

More sponges here.

You're marvelous company today, Margaret.

Relax, Charles.

She's got a bleeder of her own.

And this is the O.R.,

which, of course, we useas an operating room.

This war is getting very popular.

Every half hour, another tour.

Radar, on your way out,

drop these by the gift shop, will you?

These guyslove to kid ya.

All right, Corporal.I'll take over from here.

Uh... Uh,if you like, ma'am,

I can show herthe ropes myself.

But who's going to show you?

He doesn't mean it.

Get out.

But she does.

Major, I've heard a lot about the 4077th,

and I'm really proud to be a part of it.

Just pay attention,and you'll catch onas we go along.

That divorce decree's got hernumb from the neck up.

Maybe we should invite her over to the Swamp later

for a glass of antifreeze.

Nah. I think what she needsright now is people.

Let's take her someplace

where there's musicand noise and laughter.

Hey, think we can get intothe Copa dressed like this?

Coming here was really a great idea.

I want to thank you guysfor helping me to forget.

Glad to help. Forget what?

You know, my ex-husband,what's-his-name.

Margaret, we justwant you to cheer up.

Yeah, let's get happy here.

Father, can you play something snappy?

How about "Lullaby of Broadway?"

That's what I'm playing now.

That's okay, Father. Any time you can get around to it.

You know, I gotta tell you.

When I first lookedat those divorce papers,

it was like a part of me had died.

And now, afterthe shock has worn off,

I realize I've gotmy whole life ahead of me!

Margaret,don't talk that way.

You've got your wholelife ahead of you.

Say, you gotta take life by the tail

and... and... and yank it until it squeals.

Father, could you play something smooth?

It gets smootherin a minute.

-Radar!-Oh, hi. I just came in.

I wasn't just standing herestaring at you. Honest.

I'm trying to find a song to dance to.

That guy at the piano doesn't play very well.

Oh, that's Father Mulcahy.He's our chaplain.

He doesn't play so lousyonce you get to know him.

Do you dance, Radar?

Uh, no. Football knee.

You played football?

Well, not very much.I had a bad knee.

Um, Lieutenant,I was just wondering.

-If you're not---Nugent, there you are. Hi.

-Hi, Lieutenant. -Well, how did you like your first day?

I'll learn to love it by the time I leave.

-I heard you're fromPennsylvania. Whereabouts?-Harrisburg.

-I'm from Beaver Falls.-No kidding?

Wow! We had a casualty from Harrisburg once.

We're practically neighbors.

He was from Harrisburg, Montana, however.

Come on. We got fudgegoing in our tent.

He had trench foot.

The first bull sessionstarts in two minutes.

-Oh, great. -Touch and go there

for a while,

but, uh, we pulled him through.

-Let's have another drink.-Hmm.

Sic transit, Donald Penobscott.

The king is dead.

Long live the queen.

You bet.

Colonel? Colonel Potter?

Radar, if it isn'tincoming wounded,

you better run and hide.

Radar, what are you--

Margaret. Margaret?

Colonel, I need to talk to you.

Have you dropped all your beans?

It's the middle of the night.

I know it's late, sir,

but I've just realized something

that changes my whole perspective on life!

Colonel, the army is my career!

Ohh.

Colonel! Colonel!

I mean, I guess I've always known it,

but I just couldn't see it

because I kept getting lost in all those men:

Donald, and then before himFrank, and then before him--

-I remember. I remember.-And now I finally realize

that I don't need anybody elseto help me live my life.

I'm in control!

And I'm going as far in this man's army

as any woman can go.

Maybe even general!

With the general's permission,

I'd like to geta little sleep, ma'am.

So, for starters, I've got a few ideas

about how we can improve things around here.

Efficiency-wise, I mean.

Whatever you want,you got it.

-Really? -Good night.

Oh, thank you, Colonel!

Morning.I brought you some coffee.

Pour it in me or over me.I won't know the difference.

Oh, that water's loud.

I knew you'd need it.

-I made it black. -Uh-huh.

-And kept it hot. -Huh.

-Kept it hot and black.-Uh-huh.

Oh, that's good.

If you came to watch, I'll be drying my knees next.

You'll want to stick around for that.

No, no.

I came in to ask you,uh, well...

I figured with your experience,you know, that, uh, I...

If anybody would know,you'd know.

Radar, what is it you're trying not to say?

I came to ask youa question about, uh, women.

Oh. Get under a cold shower,and I'll tell you.

No, it's nothing like that.

How could you even think thatabout Lieutenant Nugent?

Oh, Lieutenant Nugent.

-Oh. Nice girl. -Yeah.

I'd say more, but you might hit me.

Hawkeye, she doesn'teven know I'm alive.

But I sure know she is.

You know, I make excusesjust to be with her.

I even stole a lightbulbfrom her tent

so she'd need oneand I could bring it to her.

What a rogue.

Radar, what you've got to do is calm down.

You're all aquiver.

What do you mean? I'm calm.

Let her put in her own lightbulb.

I can't, Hawkeye. She's aboutthe swellest girl I ever saw.

Radar...

can I be glib with you?

I think so.

Sometimes women are like bread.

You gotta leave 'em aloneto get a rise out of them.

Wow. You sure about that?

Take it from an old pastry cook.

You gotta relax.

Give her a chance to notice you.

You really thinkthat would work?

If it does, let me know. I'll try it.

Thanks a lot.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Colonel. Good morning, sir.

Regarding what we talked aboutlast night in your tent, sir.

-Oh? -About your future?

-Uh-oh. -Cork it, Pierce.

Well, I'm preparing a rigorous training program

for my nurses to enable themto handle all of triage,

freeing the doctors for O.R.

Nurses taking over triage?

Some of those diagnosescan get pretty involved.

Major Winchester has kindly

volunteered his services to instruct them.

-Oh, swell. -They're all gonna talk like him.

Might not be a bad idea, Margaret.

In a couple of months,

we could have the crackstaff of the Far East.

We might eventake the pennant.

I was thinking in terms of days, not months, sir,

especially since Lyle is coming on Saturday.

-Lyle? -Saturday?

General Lyle Weiskopf,

-Chief of Staff of-- -I know who he is.

He's flying here at my requestto review our new program.

You invited a major general without my permission?

Especially that two-star pain in the butt?

We can't train nursesin three days.

Believe me, I've tried.

Can't you see this isgonna be good for all of us?

-Especially one of us.-What's wrong with that?

I'm anxious to start my new life.

If that's all you want,I'll turn you upside down

and spank you on the fanny.

Look, Major, I'm glad you found something

to clear up your divorce blues,

but how could you pull such a bonehead play?

The last thing we need aroundhere is a snooping general.

When he gets here, he can snoop all he wants.

We're gonna be ready. I promise.

Absolutely not. I won't permit it.

It's too late. He's already accepted.

It's gonna be a real fun weekend.

"Triage" is a French wordfrom the verb trier,

meaning to sift or separate.

There are three priorities:

those who need care at oncein order to be saved,

those who can wait,

and those who-- --are beyond hope.

They knowwhat triage is, Major.

If you wish to heckle, Major Houlihan,

please go to a nightclub.

Just get on with it,will you?

Here we have a head injury.

A Lilly Dache head injury.

The patient is obviouslydelirious,

indicating a possible subdural hematoma.

-Priority? -First, right?

I did not ask the patient.

Priority... first.

See? I knew I was right.

Next.

From the patient'srigid condition,

we might assume that he isin an advanced state of shock.

However, there isno apparent injury.

He merely complains thathis left shoulder hurts.

Uh, yeah, my left shoulder hurts.

We are puzzled by this.

On further examination,

we observe a purple areaover the left quadrant upper.

Blunt trauma.

Possible ruptured spleen.

Moral: never be fooled.

Now, over herewe have a chest case.

Hi, Radar.How ya doing?

-Radar?

Oh, hi. Oh, gee, I'm sorry.I didn't notice you.

I'm just very relaxed.

Oh, you're supposedto be unconscious.

No, I'm not unconscious. I'm just very calm.

Radar, are you madat me or something?

No. No, I'm not mad at you.

Why would you think I was--

Geez, now I'm getting nervous.

Radar, maybe I justbetter leave you alone.

Oh, no! No, you don't have to.I'm not nervous nervous.

I'm just sort of a relaxed state of nervous. Gee!

Atten-hut!Prepare for inspection!

Ladies and gentlemen, General Lyle Dumbkopf.

Thank you, Cato.Where are the girls?

-Where are the girls? -You want girls? You want girls?

You, suck in that gut! Throw out that chest!

-You stay just the way you are!-

-Get away from me!-Let's have a major skirmish.

Play this comic opera elsewhere.

Comic opera?

We are busy here.

Shall I have him shot,mon general?

Shooting is too good for him.Lock him in the kitchen.

That's it. Get out.Get out of here!

Cato, sound retreat.

Out!

I shall not return.

-Come on! Out!

Can we just get on with it?

Sir, are you busy?

I'm never too busy for rude interruptions.

-What is it? -Uh, yeah.

I got somethingon my mind.

-And you'd like it removed?-Huh?

Get on with it.

Um, what I wantedto ask is, uh...

well, if you wantedto impress this girl

that you're reallyimpressed with,

what would you do then?

Gee, that certainly isa challenging question,

but isn't Pierce handling

that particular phase ofyour interminable childhood?

Look, sir, if you don't wantto help me, just say so.

I just come in here

'cause I know you know a lotof fancy words and stuff.

You know, like "ettiquit."

"Ettiquit."

Yes, I see. Ahem.

Well, if there were a girl

whose interest I wanted to capture,

first I would find outwhat that interest was.

Then I would proceed

to dazzle her with my expertise.

Suppose she had a penchant for Shakespeare.

In that event, I would take her into a moonlit garden--

say, the empty minefield behind O. R--

and whisper in her shell-like ear

"But soft, what light throughyonder window breaks.

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon!"

That is what I would do.

I have not the slightest idea what you will do.

All right. Come on. Come on!

General Weiskopf will be here in two hours,

and I want perfection.

-MEN: -Or better!

Excuse me, Major.

But, speaking on behalf ofthe more seriously wounded,

they'd liketo stretch their legs

and use the, uh, facilities.

All right, all right. Just keep it organized.

The most urgent cases go first.

Bless you, Major.

Oh, Lyle! He's notsupposed to be here yet!

-General, welcome to the 4077th. -Atten-hut!

Impressive, Major, impressive.

Oh, please, have the wounded remain as they were.

No, they're not wounded, sir.

They're demonstrators for the mock triage.

Triage, eh? Of course.

At ease, everybody. At ease.

Margaret, it's very niceto see you again.

You, too, Lyle.

This program is so important to me.

I can't thank you enough for coming.

I can't thank you enough for asking.

-Thank you. -No, thank you.

General Weiskopf.

-Good to see you again, sir.-Uh-huh.

You got some big potholes in the road back there.

Real kidney punchers. Hope you get 'em filled in by the time I leave.

And when will thatbe, General?

I don't know.

There's a lot to see here.

Major, why don't you brief me

-on this new plan of yours?-Yes, sir.

Sherman, I'd like to go overyour table of organization.

Things seem to bea little loose around here.

Ah! General, catch!

-Oh, Klinger! -I see. Uh--

Who or what is that?

Just the guy who fills inthe potholes, General.

Hi, Lieutenant. Are you busy?

Very. The general's here,

and I've got to get this placeorganized for Major Houlihan.

Right. You like rabbits?

Radar, please,I have to finish.

-Do I like what? -Rabbits.

I just thought it was something

you might be interested in.

You know, for instance,

rabbits never swallow what they chew right away.

They wait and hold it

until it's mush in their cheeks for a while.

-No kidding? -Yeah.

You know why they wiggle their noses?

To shoo away pests.

No, but that's a good answer.

Radar, please,I have to finish.

Oh. You're right. Well, maybe we could meet later

and you could tell me some stuff that you thought up.

-Radar, please! -Attention, all personnel.

Incoming choppers. This is not a drill.

It's the real thing, folks.

I'm sorry. I don't have time to talk right now.

Lacerated femoral. Start him on plasma.

Get him right into O.R.Always make sure

you get that dressing nice and tight again.

All right, Kellye, what've you got?

Compound fractured femur.

I've ordered blood.He can wait.

Good diagnosis, Kellye.

Oh, doctor!

Yeah, I'm all yours.

A probable pneumothorax,but I can't be sure.

That's what he's got. Good work, Doc.

Corpsman, pneumothorax,first priority.

Keep it moving.

I've checked the nurses' diagnoses.

They can handle it. Let's get inside and scrub.

Potter, it's a hell ofa nursing staff you got here.

-I'm impressed. -You should be.

Major, good work.

Thank you, sir.

There's more wounded here! Let's get to them!

Boy, I'm beat.

I can't believe O.R.could go on that long.

Would've been longer if wehadn't helped out in triage.

-We were great, weren't we?-Yeah.

-Come on in.

-Hi, Radar! -Hi.

Lieutenant Baker, I would like

to speak to Lieutenant Nugent alone.

And I won't take no for an answer.

Unless you want to pull rank on me,

in which case I'll justwait outside here, Linda,

even though you're both lieutenants,

and I won't go away, either.

Well, Corporal Hellcat.

I'll be outside if you need me.

That goes for you too.

Well, we're officiallyalone, Radar.

Right. Ahem. Listen, uh,

you probablyhaven't noticed or anything,

but, uh, I've been tryinglike heck for you to like me.

I've tried everything I knowand all that other stuff,

and I'm-- I'm tired of trying,

so I want to get one thing straight.

Do you want to go out with me or not?

Yes.

Fine. Then we'll just forget it.

If I'm not good enough for you-- You do?

I said yes.

-You did? -Yes.

Well, how come you didn't say so before?

You never asked before.

Oh, yeah.

I guess I was always too busy

thinking up stuff to say,

you know, to impress you.

Radar, you don'thave to impress me.

I think you're nicewhen you're unimpressive.

Gee, thanks.

Wow!

That's about the swellest thinganybody ever said to me.

Oh, Lyle, I was so proud of my nurses today.

I was proud of you.

You know, it all flowsdown from the top,

just like this12-year-old scotch.

They did everything so beautifully.

Here's a toast to you,Margaret,

and your wonderful staff.

-Now, let's talk about you.-Oh, no.

We've talked enough about me.

And your future.

What about me?

I have an openingon my nursing staff in Tokyo

for a lieutenant colonel.

But I'm only a major.

Here you're a major,but in Japan--

We could do wonderful things together.

We sure could.

A triage program for allthe nursing units in Korea.

-If we have time. -Oh, Lyle!

First the divorce, and now this. I--

It's like a wonderful doorhas been opened up on my life.

The door was always open,Margaret.

All you had to do was walk in.It'll be like old times.

Romantic suppersat the Officers' Mess

and cool night strollsthrough the cherry blossoms.

Then, up to my billetfor a nightcap and a game

of escaped convictand the warden's wife.

Is that what this promotiontalk is all about?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.The promotion's legit.

I'll make you a colonel.

A colonel in charge of what, your boudoir?

I'm a head nurse

and a damn good one!

What do you think that demonstration out there

was all about, anyway?

At ease, Major.

You know how the gameis played.

You rub my back,and I'll rub yours.

I'll rub my own back, thank you.

How dare you assume such a thing!

Oh, come on, Margaret.I know you better than that.

You have the talent.I have the clout.

Let's get togetherand have a few laughs.

You haven't been listening to me, General.

I'm not a pushover anymore.

Get yourself another clay pigeon.

You're gonna hate yourselfin the morning.

Get out of my tent, General.

Are you sure?

Out! And that's an order!

Okay...Major.

Here's to me.

So, Radar, you wanna dance?

Uh, no, I don't think I'd better.

You know, my bad knee.

Radar, I'm a nurse.

If anything happens,I can take care of you.

Well, yeah. I guess in thatcase, I can take a chance.

-Ready?-Uh, yeah, for anything.

Why is everyonewatching us?

Oh, are they?

Well, I guess it's, uh,'cause I come in here

with a lot of girls,you know,

and they always liketo see who I'm with.

Radar, not again.

Or maybe it's just'cause I'm here

with the prettiestgirl in camp.