Original subtitles

♪ I am calling you

♪ Will you answer true?

You were right. It is human.

Charles was convinced someonewas torturing the camp mutt.

In one hour, a doctor will be visiting

from the Swedish Red Cross Hospital.

A lady doctor, and rumor has it

she is a blonde Swedish lady doctor

whose name is--

...hold your breath--

Inga.

Uh, this woman, I take it,

does not yet knowthat you exist?

I am nothing but the tall,dark and handsome

who skulks amongher Gypsy's tea leaves.

Doesn't that strike you asjust a wee bit overconfident?

I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation,

adventure, the spirit of pursuit,

the stag howling for itswinsome yet anonymous mate.

I am the love call of evolution,

the perfume and color of the flowers

as they offer their pollento the gentle fuzz of the bees.

I am sex itself, gentlemen.I am life! I am appetite!

And I'm not takingmy clothes off till he leaves.

-Dr. Halvorsen, good evening! -Hello.

I'm Corporal Klinger.Corporal Max Klinger.

Allow me to help youwith your luggage.

V.I.P. tent's right that way.

I hope my attiredoesn't shock you, Doctor.

No, not at all.

The outward trappingsof my unfortunate insanity.

To tell you the truth,I don't belong here.

If two doctors will sign a form,I'll be able to go home.

And so far,I've got all but both of them.

You know,I may be able to help you.

Oh, you can?You mean it?

Yeah, well, I have a colleague in Copenhagen

who does sex-change operations.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, you would finallybe transformed into a woman.

It's very sophisticated surgery,but, uh, it's possible.

You mean, somebody--

You mean, take a knife and--and--

-Yeah.-They're crazier than I am!

Okay, I'll take over, Klinger.

-You'll get a snag in your tutu. -With gusto, Captain.

I'm definitely workingthe wrong sideof the street here.

How do you do, Doctor?I'm Hawkeye Pierce,the local chief surgeon.

Hello. I'm Inga Halvorsen.

--You're laughing at my accent?

No, no, no. That's notlaughing. That's delight.

If I may say so, doctor,

your voice is the soundtrackof my dreams.

Please, call me Inga.

Your room is right downthe hall here...

Inga.

I think you'll find thesefirst-class accommodations.

Hot and cold running rodentseverywhere but the Mess Tent,

which they refuse to patronize,

surgery when you least expect it,

and the occasional fireworks display

to celebrate the end of civilization as we know it.

-Oh, it sounds lovely. -We got four stars

-from the InternationalHellhole Society.

-Forget it. -Come in.

Ah, Dr. Halvorsen.

Welcome. Dr. Winchester.

I see the bellboy is still here.

I brought you a bottleof Chateau Lafite '37...

a modest little welcome of inestimable value.

Ah, the grape...

whose misty skin is a pale membrane

between the workaday and the holiday.

While you're in camp, I definitely recommendan evening with Charles.

We don't get Milton Berle here.

-Will you be here long, doctor?-No.

Our country wants asmany physicians as possible

to study combat surgery,

so we are rotatingon very short tours of duty.

Ah, Sweden.

The jewel in the crownof Scandinavia.

Charles loves the Swedishpeople, don't you, Charles?

With a passion.

Many's the time he's told us about Christina.

Remember Christina, huh?

Don't play.

Christina is our scullery maidat home--

rosy cheeks, buxom, devilish personality.

She drove me wild as a teenager.

Of course, later, I gota look at her motherwhen she came to visit.

You know how lumpy Swedish women can become in later life.

Course, that would never happen to you.

-Well, I hope not, anyway.-Good night, Charles.

-You would never allow yourself to get... -It's too late now.

-Lumpy. -Bye.

Where did you get him?

We're trying him out.

We think he can replace dysentery.

Okay, bunkies. I'm gonna needyour utmost cooperation.

I have persuaded Ingato come over here

and join mefor a little doctor talk.

-Is that fasterthan a speeding bullet?-Nice.

Face it, Pierce.

She was far more attracted to me,

until you began assassinating my character.

-You assassinated his character? -Yeah. I let him talk.

Pierce, if I have ever led youto believe that you are

in any way above contempt, I am profoundly sorry!

I love the wayhe sweeps out of a room.

Breaks my heart to seesuch good friends quarrel.

All he's got is drums and cannons.

-I want her to melt, not keel over.-Try the "Arioso" by Bach.

Peg and I like to put it on at bedtime.

Is that really romantic?

Ever seen my baby pictures?

Uh, listen.Are you gonna be leaving soon?

I find it difficult to entertain a guest

of the female persuasionwhile you sew your underwear.

That's beautiful.

What do you think a Swede would go for?

Something that looks like rosé,

or something that looks like burgundy?

-Mmm, burgundy.

Okay.

-Hello. -Am I too early?

No, you're perfect.

Uh, this is my unavoidablebunkmate B.J. Hunnicutt.

-Hello. I'm Inga Halvorsen.-Hi.

-What are you sewing?-He's working on a new flag.

-Bye.-Oh, really? I sew too.

It keeps my fingers nimble for surgery.

Funny, I do surgeryto keep up on my sewing.

He'd love to talk more,but he has a severe throat infection.

Really? What are you taking for it?

I know an ancient Swedish remedy.

Oh, if only he could take it.He's allergic to Swedish.

He faints at the sightof small meatballs. Amscray.

Gee, with this throat infection,maybe I should get some sleep.

-How would you like to be putunconscious permanently?-

Actually, I was just leaving.Bye.

Don't hurt yourself rushing out.

Oh, the "Arioso." I love that, don't you?

Oh, it's been my favoritefor quite a while.

Um, a little red wine?

Thank you. Mmm.

I love wine. What is this?

Uh, it's, uh, homemade.

Uh, it's similar to wine,but it's, uh, not as unsanitary.

Grapes grow in the dirt,you know.

So. Um, I have brought my notebook.

You don't mindif I take notes, do you?

Take notes?

Well, I'm good, but I'm not noteworthy.

Well, we are going to talkabout medicine, aren't we?

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

But there's no reason we can'thave a few laughs too.

You know what they say in the Reader's Digest--

Laughter is the best medicine.

May I tell you something about your ears? Would that offend you?

My ears?

Some people's ears just hang from their head

like a pair of wrinkled omelets.

But yours draw back tenuously from your cheeks

in gentle swirls.

I thoughtwe were going to talk

about Gray's Anatomy,not mine.

Gray has a fabulous personality,

but he's got no body whatsoever.

-Doctor... -Spurn me, reject me,

but lend me your ears.

I think I will sit over here.

Now, how do you perform an end-to-end anastomosis?

-You really want to talk about surgery? -Yes.

How about if I justshow you my appendix scar?

-Anastomosis. -Uh-huh.

Okay, let's say this is the heart.

There. One bladder,good as new.

Do you do anything about the acetabulum?

All we can do is put a castand a five-cent stamp on him

and get him back to Seoul.

But his hip will fuse, and he will never have the same mobility.

Yeah, I know.

But you can rebuild

the bone stock of the acetabulum.

Do you have bone rongeurs and osteotomes?

Right away, doctor.Do you need bone clamps?

Lane clamps if you have them.

Wait a second here.We can't do anything fancy here.

I got people waiting for this table.

-But it only takes an hour.-Oh.

It's your decision, Captain,

but if it only takes an hour,shouldn't we do it?

Let me show you what I mean.

You have to reconstruct and create a shelf

to cover the head of the femur.

Nurse, uh, close the skinfor me, will you please?

You build a shelf, do you,

out of the fragments?

Ja.We've been doing itin Sweden for a year or so.

You have to osteotomizethe pelvis down into the sciatic notch.

-Colonel Potter, I thinkyou ought to watch this.-On my way.

Finish the dressing, Kellye.

We have to be careful of the sciatic nerve.

I can't leave the table.Can you describe it to me?

We'll be taking some of the bone from the ilium

and using it as a wedge

to hold the fragments in place.

Of course.Devilishly clever, huh, Pierce?

-Yeah. Nifty. -This should come in very handy, doctor.

Can you seefrom the back row, Pierce?

Not too well, but I'lltry to move down during intermission.

-Ah, Pierce. Recovered yet?-From what?

The great Benjamin FranklinPierce bested by a mere woman.

Charles, in the first place,

I never met a woman who I thought was mere.

Women are far and away my favorite sex.

Come off it, Pierce.You can't stand it.

I saw you in there,seething with resentment.

What are you, nuts? She's a doctor.

She had a better procedure, and she showed us.

Charles, why do you insiston seeing the worst in people?

-What I didn't likewas the way she did it.-On the other hand...

No, really. She could have shown a little more consideration.

She could have done it quietly.

All of a sudden she's in an amphitheater.

I was about as useful in thereas an umbrella stand.

So that's all thatbothered you, huh?

-The way she did it. -Yeah.

I've got a big pieceof news for you, Captain.

Charles is right.

The fact that she'sa woman is what gets you.

-You must be kidding.-Oh, you love the women.

As long as they're cuteand charming

and following orders,you're happy as a clam.

You're fine with thehandmaidens,

but let a woman be an equal--

really makes your hairfall out, doesn't it?

Margaret, could you finda better simile?

I haven't treated you like a professional?

All you think aboutwith women is one thing.

In some cases, not even one.

Hard smash to your left, Margaret.

That's supposed to cut meto the quick, right?

You've got a yardstick that'sthree letters high S-E-X.

And you measureevery woman in the camp by it.

-Great backhand. -What are you getting so excited about?

I'm sick and tired of the wayyou chase the nurses!

Now that you've meta woman who's on your ownprofessional level,

-I'm loving every minute of it.-As am I.

Yeah, well, you're talking through your hat.

It's a small camp, Captain.

I know all about yourattempted tryst last night

and I happen to knowhow it turned out.

Margaret, I have somethingreally pithy to say to you,

but I think we should step outside first.

Fight. Fight.

-Oh, close your hole!-Quiet!

How dare you do that to mein front of a roomful of people?

-I have to work with them!-You'll work with them a lot better

when you start treating themlike people!

Don't hand me that baloney.

You're not standing up for her as a woman.

You're really jealous of her, aren't you?

-Jealous of her? -Olive green.

Over you? Don't be an ass.

You think everythingrevolves around you

and your spectacularbody, don't you?

You're raving.

You think a woman is dead

until she lives for you.

Well, let me tell yousomething, Benjamin Franklin.

We actually survivewithout you.

We live, we breathe,we dream,

we do our work,we earn our pay.

Sometimes we even haveour little failures,

and then we pull ourselvestogether

all without benefit of yourfabulous electric lips!

And let me tell yousomething else, buster!

I can walk into that kitchenany time I want

and replace those fabulouslips of yours

with a soggy piece of liver!

-May I come in? -Sure. Hi.

I was thinking about this morning in the operating room

-and I want to apologize.-For what?

Well, I-- I believe I hurt your feelings.

-I didn't mean to. -No, no, no, listen.

I should beapologizing to you.

I've been reading a journalon that operation.

You've got us beatin Sweden.

But perhaps I was a little abrupt, no?

My father was a doctor,

and he trained me to thinkof the patient first

and, um, courtesy second.

-So did mine. -Yeah.

You did what Iwould've done.

You don't mind, really?

Well, I may need a littleplastic surgery

-on my male ego.

I hear I was upset because I have trouble learning from a woman.

Ja,that's what I hear too.

Yeah, well,it's a small camp.

When you put your boots onin the morning,

you have to ask the personwho's in them to move over.

Listen, I'm sorryabout last night.I didn't mean to rush you.

Well, you know,

-I've been thinking about that too. -Yeah?

Ja,the the music and the candlelight.

-That was really quite sweet.-Yeah?

Yeah.

I've been thinking about your hands.

You know, the way you noticeears, I notice hands.

They're good, sensitive surgeon's hands.

Yeah, well, they do makea good place to keep my gloves.

--You like to laugh too.

-I like that.

Mmm.

Hello.

-Sit. -Sit. Okay. Thanks.

-Uh. -Mmm.

-Can I ask you something?-Of course.

When you go dancing, who leads?

-I've done it again, haven't I? -Ja.

-Maybe I should leave. -No, no. Look. I'm sorry. Really.

I didn't know what I was saying.

-Besides, I didn't mean it.-Excuse me. Good-bye.

Oy-yoy-yoy-yoy, yoy-yoy-yoy.

I did it again. I did it again!

There's nothing wrong with taking your cue

from the female of the species.

Now, take the sea horse.

The male gives birth to the babies,

and the mommy brings home the underwater bacon.

I'll keep that in mindif I'm ever attractedto a sea horse.

Just remember, there's a right way

and a wrong way to do everything.

And the wrong way is to keep trying

to make everybody else do it the right way.

Right.

Are you as miserableas you look?

Well, it seems I had another little run-in

with my ego last night.

-I know. -Everybody knows.

Small place.

Look, I've learned a lot of things from women.

I've learned a lot of real nice things from women.

There's a lady in Seoul who taught me to play "Begin the Beguine"

without the aid of a musical instrument.

It's not the same.

Peg and I have always hada kind of equal partnership.

We just took it for granted.We made our decisions together.

While I'm here,she makes 'em without me.

She just picked up a pieceof property back home

that's gonna be worth a bundlein a couple years.

Yeah?

Well, if she didn'thave a mind of her own,

we'd be quite a bit poorerright now...

in more ways than one.

I'll try to remember that.

Ah, sir, I just wantto tell you.

I heard aboutyour little run-in

with that ladyof the opposite sex,

and I just want you to know

I support you 100%.

Can I have a show of hands of everybody here

who knows about my personal problems?

I mean it. You're right.

Men are men,and women are women.

You start mixing them up,

and you won't be ableto tell who's who.

You stick to your guns,Captain.

Thanks for the advice. It means a lot coming

-from a man wearing organdy.-Mmm.

-I also heard. -Why not?

Actually, my only advice would be

that you try to avoid the occasion of sin.

But from what I hear,

you seem to be avoiding it just fine.

-Thank you. -Don't mention it.

Obviously, in these lessthan modern conditions

we must pay particular attentionto the incidence of infection.

This man, for example,I put on penicillin,

which I see was administeredon time.

Very good work, my dear.

Every once in a while,it's smart to pat themon the back.

-Doctor, he's choking!

Something must be lodgedin the trachea.

Shh, shh, shh.

Get me an emergency tray.I'll do a tracheotomy.

You don't have to cut him open.

Get me some I.V. adrenaline, please.

What are you doing?

Well, look at him--

giant hives, swollen tongue.

He's having a reaction to the penicillin.

--Now, just a moment, my dear.

If he goes into an anaphylactic shock,

he will have four minutesbefore his brain is damaged.

-Somebody get me that damn adrenaline! -Now, just a moment!

I am aware how much time we havebefore brain damage occurs.

-It is my considered opinion---Adrenaline, doctor.

-I asked you for an emergency tray.

Have you ever seen a reactionto penicillin, Doctor?

I have seen mild ones, yes.

Well, this is a severe one.

-In your opinion!-He's breathing better.

Ja,of course, it's only my opinion.

-He's coming around.

He'll be all right.

Well, Doctor, I must say

that your opinion wasa pretty good opinion.

You were right,and I was wrong.

I shall always be gratefulfor the assistance thatyou've given me here today.

That woman!

That inconsiderate, unconscionable,

conceited, arrogant, pushy woman.

Charles, what are you screamingabout? She saved a guy's neck.

Yes.And right under my nose too!

You know something?This is very instructive.Rant on, Charles.

And that underhanded little nurse!

Naturally,they they stick together.

Anything to underminethe authority of a man.

Ah, that old familiar tune.

Let me tell you something, Charles.

You think women are only good for one thing.

Oh, don't be absurd, Pierce.

I respect and I admire the sex.

Sure! As long as they'reyour handmaidens.

As long as they tell youwhat a great guy you are

and carry out your every whim.

You know something, Charles?

Sitting here listening to youspout your bilge,

I get a picture clear and sharp

of the world's most perfect ass.

Are you referring to me?

-I'm referring to me. -Well, that's better.

Oh, don't feel bad, Charles.You're just as perfect.

You were terrific in there.

Boy, the way you told off Charles.

-I did what?-Keep up the good work.

Inga. It's Hawkeye.Can I talk to you for a minute?

-Are you all right? -Oh, ja.

Except I made the mistake

of helpingDr. Winchester's patient.

-I heard.-What was I supposed to do?

Let him cut open the boy's neckwhen it wasn't necessary?

You were supposed to do what you did.

Don't ever play dumb, please.

Why do men do that?

Why do they make it so hardfor us to be just who we are?

I'm sorry.I'm sorry about Charles,and I'm sorry about me.

And I've been thinkinga lot about last night too.

I can't believe I pulled backfrom you like that.

Ja.Well, I couldn't believe it, either.

If it would help to putyour head on somebody'sshoulder right now,

I promise you I won't pull away.

I'll try not to scare you.

-Here I come.

What's that song?I've never heard it before.

It's Swedish.

Whenever I'm low, I play it.It reminds me of home.

-It's sad and funny at the same time. -Ja.

There's a traditional dancethat goes with it.

It's very sweet.

-Will you teach me? -Oh. Are you sure?

-Yeah, please.

All right.Now, put your hand there.That's right, on my back.

And I'm here. Then--And here and here.

That's right.Good. Now, it's...

one-two-three, hold, one-two-three, hold.

-Turn. All right? Are you ready? -Yeah.

All right. One-two-three,hold, one-two-three, hold.

-Turn! Ow! Ow! -Oh, I'm sorry.My feet are all thumbs.

Oh. The only way thisis going to work at all

is if you let me lead.

-I told you it would come to this. -Ja.

All right.Okay, come on, come on.

All right. Now, you put your hand here. I put my hand here.

That's right. Now, you're inside, and I'm outside.

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, that's good.

Now, it's one-two-three, hold,

one-two-three, turn.

-Oh, you're not letting me lead! -I'm trying.

-Ow! Ow! I stepped on myself!-Let's try it again.

-Okay, okay. -Come on.

Good. And, one-two-three, hold.One-two-three, turn.

-Two, three, four! -Ah. Ah?

-Ja!

-Hey, that was kind of fun. -Ja.

This is kind of fun, too.

I think, when all is said and done,

we're gonna have a lot more funthan we ever thought we would.

Hmm.

MAN : Sorry, folks. Wounded.

We need a full contingent for triage. Tout suite!

-Ah, damn. -Oh.

Look, we'll only be in surgeryfor 10 or 12 hours.

Let's come right back here andpick up where we left off, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't.

I have to go inanother five or six hours.

I've been assignedto the Norwegian hospital ship

for tomorrow afternoon.

-You're leaving? -Ja,well...

I was only supposed to stayhere for a short time.

And I wasted all of it.

Let's start dancing again, so I can kick myself.

Will I see you again?Will you ever come to Sweden?

If I ever get outta here, I will.

Well, for now at least,

we can work togetherfor a few hours.

-Side by side? -Ja.Partners.

Didn't you know the moviejust went on in the mess tent?

-Yeah, Casablanca.-With Humphrey Bogart.

And Ingrid Bergman.

I don't think I'm strong enough

to hear a Swedish accent for a while.

It was kinda rough for you,wasn't it?

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world

she had to walk into mine.

Come on. See the movie.

Nah, I'm all right.

I'll buy you popcorn.

You're gonna pull me through this in spite of myself, aren't ya?

-Why not? -You know, Louis,

this could be the startof a beautiful friendship.