Original subtitles

MULCAHY : Sunday. Dear Sis.

Received your letter.

It's a shame Sister Lombardi

was transferred to St. Cecilia.

I know the basketball team will miss her hook shot.

As I write this, no one has shown up

for my 10:00 ecumenical service,

but I'm not disappointed yet.

-It's only 11:30.-

I guess my sermon is not exactly

what you'd call a hot ticket.

I realize, Sis, that you'll get this letter around Ash Wednesday,

but here it's the week before Christmas.

It's a time of anticipation and hope.

MAN : Choppers! All hands report to the pen!

MULCAHY: Unfortunately, it's also the time when both sides

get in as much destruction as they can

before the Christmas truce.

When you're faced with such overwhelming physical misery,

it just doesn't seem enough to offer spiritual comfort.

I keep wanting to do more, but more is never enough.

Has this man had morphine?

Yes, Colonel. I gave hima quarter grain.

Perky son of a gun, isn't he?

Would you give us a hand here, Father?

Why, certainly, Colonel.

Calm down, son. Everything's gonna be--

I'd like to help you there, Father,

but I'm sterile, you know.

MAN: They're not putting me to sleep.

What exactly concerns you about going to sleep?

Waking up.

Can we get on with this, Father?

My arches are killin' me.

Son, you're going to be fine.

You just have to have a little faith.

Are you Catholic? Jewish?

I'm not anything. I'm just scared.

You're going to have to believe,

whether you believe or not.

Fortunately, you've fallen into the hands

of the best medical unit in Korea.

I swear it.

Just have a little faithin these doctors.

Just a little. Try, okay?

Well, okay.

There. I don't think he'll begiving you any more trouble.

Probably not. While you were locked in his arms,

I gave him another quarter grain.

You did?

Couldn't have done it without you, Father.

Yes. Thank goodness for me.

I have absolutely no strength left.

My white corpuscles are tattletale gray.

There are mushrooms growingon the back of my tongue.

Gentlemen, I hate to impose on you.

I know what a terribly longtime you've spent in O.R.

Long time?

I've been breathing through that mask for so long,

there's a pound of lint in my nose.

You don't say.

What's the scam, Father?

St. Theresa's orphanage.

I'd like to run into Seoul

and buy them some toys for Christmas.

How do you do it, Father?Fourteen hours in O.R.,

and you're bright as a nickelin the well water.

Well, I haven't reallydone anything yet.

I mean, of consequence.How about it?

Anybody got any used money

to trade in for a fresh,warm glow?

-Take 20, Father. -Huh.

Here. Whatever you canfind in there is yours.

Oh, sure, be nicer than thou.Here, Father.

Take my shirt and my pants.

That certainly is generous, boys.

Here's 14 bucks, Father.

Catch me later,and I'll sweeten that.

-Bless you. Major? -Father.

Those children know nothingbut hardship, Father.

I will not raise their hopes

only to dash them againthe day after Christmas.

It is a useless gesture.

Charles, I'll see your uselessand raise their hopes.

Put me downfor another 10, Father.

-How about it, Major? -Sorry, Father.

I guess I left my heart in my other pants.

Your brains are in your pants.

Your heart fell out with your hair.

I have the perfect Christmasgift for you, Pierce:

crutches for your lame wit.

Ha ha!

"Ha ha"?

You scale the heights, Pierce.

Allow me to take my leave

before you decimate mewith a "Says you"

or, God forbid,an "Oh, yeah?"

Gentlemen.

I don't know much about psychology,

but that man's butterhas slipped off his noodles.

Oh, excuse me, sirs.

F-Father, could youcome quick? It's Edna.

She's never beenpregnant before,

and I think she could bein a lot of trouble.

Do you have a blessingyou could give overthe telephone?

It sure would meana lot to my mom.

Well, certainly. Is Edna your sister?

Uh, no, Father,she's our cow.

It's an all-purpose blessing.

-How dare you-- -Aah!

...put yourself ahead of me!

I have been waiting hoursfor my phone call to Boston,

and I just picked up this phone,

and I found myself speaking to your mother!

Geez, you didn't yellat her, did ya?

She's got high blood pressure!

I did not raise my voice to your lovely mother.

You better didn't.

Hi. Mom? Yeah, I gotFather Mulcahy right here.

Huh? He's, uh...

you know, he's Catholic.

Wh... I don't know. He's okay, Mom.

Wait a minute. Uh, Father,

you think you could do it in Methodist?

I'm a piano player, Radar.I'll transpose.

Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly.

Yes.

Well, thank you.Some of mine are Methodists.

She don't mean no harm.

Heavenly Father,grant us... Hmm?

Oh! Oh, yes, certainly,if you like.

She's holding the phone outso that the cow can hear it.

-She's doing what? -Our cow is in labor.

You held up a phone callfrom my sister

so that he could bless a cow?

Well, cows are people too, you know.

And I'm arguing with him.

Heavenly Father,

grant us throughYour divine intercession

the guidance which weso urgently need in this...

Hmm?

-She is? -Wh-What's the matter?

She's giving birth.

Oh! Oh, gee, the vet isn't even there yet!

Mom? Yeah?

Oh, it's comin' out backwards!

Like everything else around here.

Wait a minute, Mom!I got a doctor right here!

-Don't you dare!-Come on. I don't want my momto go through this alone.

-You're a doctor. You gotta!-Give me the phone, please.

Thank you.

Hello, Ms. O'Reilly.

Yes. Yes, I am a doctor, but I'm Presbyterian.

Will that be all right?

Wonderful. All right.Please describe the situation.

Thanks anyway, Father.I know you did the best you could.

Well, actually,I had a wonderful finish.

Uh-huh. All right. Now listen carefully, Mrs. O'Reilly.

You're gonna have to putyour hand inside the cowand turn the calf around.

Oh! Ew! Ick!

Oooh!

Oh, Father!

Oooh! Oh, boy! Oh! Ick!

I'm almost desperate to be useful, Sis.

No one comes for confession.

I have no one to grant absolution to,

no one to give comfort to,

no one who even wants to bend my ear for 10 minutes.

At times like this, I head straight for the bar

at the Officers' Club.

Thanks for the suds, Father.I can really use it.

Not at all, Klinger.

You look a little down in the dumps.

Yeah. Well, I don'twanna bore you, Father.

Oh, not at all. Not at all. Bore away.

Well, it's Christmas,

and I'm thinking of Toledo.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm dreaming aboutthis Christmas tree,

-10 feet high. -Ah!

Strung with an endless chainof Paco's Hungarian hot dogs.

-Mm-hmm. -And up on top,

dressed like an angel, is my ex-wife Laverne.

Uh-huh. That sounds nice, Klinger.

-Except for one thing. -Hmm?

I hate Laverne.

That's what depresses me,Father.

I'm sitting here, thinking about

what a wonderful Christmas it would be

-if only I was with Laverne.-Mm-hmm.

-If only I didn't hate Laverne. -Mm-hmm.

If only she didn't ask for it,the way she walked out on me.

That's quite a string of "if only"s.

You know, in the Book of Job--

Father, can I haveanother one of these?

I'll be right back.

He thinkshe's got problems.

Care to talk about it, Major?

You sure you wanna hear?

I'm an entire ear.

How would you like to bemarried to a skunk, Father?

My religion forbids it.

Father, you want to put a head on this?

-Hold that thought. -Mm-hmm.

She thinks she has problems.

I grew up with Laverne.

We used to steal candy together.

-We were very close, Father.-Hmm.

I still wear one of her dresses.

My son, try not to hang on to the past.

Remember Joseph and his brethren.

MARGARET: Father,do you have any pretzels?

I'll be right back.

Yes.

I'm a generous woman,Father.

I don't give halfway.

And whatdid I get from him?

A mental, physical,and spiritual zilch.

Uh, well, you know,

we don't always get what we want.

Uh-huh.

Jacob toiled for seven years

in order to marry Rachel,

and then her father slipped him Leah,

the blear-eyed one.

Small potatoes, Father.Pardon my Latin.

-Father. -Uh, uh, coming.

J-J-J... Uh...

Well, now, where were we?

Job or Joseph? Let me try a little Joseph on you.

You know what I want for Christmas, Father?

I want to forget.

-Yes, well-- -What do you want?

MARGARET: Father!

Uh, roller skates.

I do give last rites to the dying, Sis.

But if only there was something

I could do for the living.

Anybody else got a chest?

All right. Plasma here.I'll start him first.

-Plasma!-What are you gonna do,just leave me here?

Come on. Somebody help me.

Okay, Lieutenant, let's seewhat you've got here.

What's going on here?

They just put me down and left me here.

Nobody even looked at me.

Okay. I'm checking you now.

Look, I don't want a nurse. I want a doctor.

Okay, there isn'tany available right now.

Let me just check--Father, will you helpme here, please?

-Relax, son. She's the head nurse. -Are you a doctor?

-No, I'm a priest. -Look,

I don't want a priest,and I don't want a nurse.

-I want a doctor. -You'll get a doctor

as soon as one is available.

Let me check your wound!Will you hold him still?

Father, I can't give himan injection for you this time!

Just a moment! Hold on--

Are you all right?

Oh, my God.

Hiya, slugger. How are the mitts?

Very funny.

How is Lieutenant Forrester?

He's got good footwork,but he's weak in the clinches.

My money's on youfor the rematch.

Look, I'm deeply troubled about this incident,

and I would appreciate itif you would not speak about it

with the jawbone of an ass.

He's okay, Father.Why don't you go say hi?

-Hello, son. -Whoa.

-Just a minute. Take it easy.-Hey, listen.

You just stay on your sideof the war,

and I'll stay on mine, okay?

Lieutenant, you don't know

how badly I feel about what happened.

Yeah? Put a little iceon your conscience, Father.

Did wonders for my jaw.

Really, son, I'm very, very sorry.

I'll look in on you a little later.

Where were you ordained,Father, Stillman's Gym?

Give him another unit of plasma.

I'll be right back.

You know, I used to coachboxing at the C.Y.O.

I told my boysit built character.

Father, why don't you stop

punching yourself on the chin?

Pick on somebody your own size.

I'm Christ's representative.

"Suffer the little childrento come unto me."

"Do unto others..."

I'm not just supposedto say that stuff.I'm supposed to do it.

All you're supposed to do is the best you can.

Some best.

-Best is best.

Look. Suppose you were sitting here now

with somebody who had donehis best and was feelinglousy about it.

You'd let 'em off the hook,wouldn't you?

Sure, I would.

And if the hook didn't work,I'd probably try an uppercut.

Father, get off your back.

Ah, it isn't just that.

I don't seem to makea difference here.

I hang around on the edgeof effectiveness.

And when I do step in,I really step in.

Look. This place has made us all nuts.

Why should you be any different?

We don't sleep. We don't eat.

And every day a truck comes in

and lays a bunch of bleedingbodies on the ground.

Okay, so you hit someone.

We have to stand here and watch so much misery,

we're lucky we don't all join hands

and walk into a chopper blade.

Look. I'm going inside.

-I gotta go reduce a little suffering. -Me too.

I'll go sob myself to sleep.

Well,here's to the Christmas

we were supposedto be home by.

Boy, you're a cheery bunch.

You know, between decoratingthe tree with thermometers

and Radar singing thoseChristmas carols on the P.A.

and that little below-zeronip in the air,

this place really managesto capture that good,

old-fashionedChristmas depression.

Back home,it's Christmas morning.

Erin's opening the toysI got for her in Tokyo,

and they've been bouncinghalfway around the world

for six months.

They'll be all busted upbefore she even has the chance

to have the funof breaking them herself.

How about you, Major?

I'm fine, thank you. No problems.

You're a rock, Margaret.

I have to be.

Look, folks, I've spent 18Christmases away from Mildred,

some of themup to my hips in mud.

It took me 15 of them to realizeI was making myself miserable,

because I wantedto be someplace else.

If you ain't where you are,you're no place.

Well, here we are.

Now, the cook says

he made a traditionalturkey dinner for Christmas.

Let's go over and dig in.

Oh, what the hell.All right.

That's the spirit.

-Thank you. -Thanks, Colonel.

-You're an inspiration, Colonel.

Now they got me depressed.

There. What'd I tell you?You look happier already.

I understand the cook made usa traditional Christmas dinner.

Right. Turkey on shingleswith cranberry sausage.

I'm not too proud.Fork it over.

I remember one Christmasin the Black Forest.

The company horsebroke his leg,

and the cook tried topass him off as dark meat.

I cried all through dinner.

You know what thissmells like, son?

I can't smell anymore, Colonel.I've been here too long.

Perhaps you mightgive this to someoneless fortunate than I.

-Merry Christmas, Colonel.And thanks for the present.-Did it fit?

-Perfect.-I thought his little feet

might not get in there, you know?

What'd you give him?

I gave him a pair ofmy grandson's pajamasfor his, uh...

-Uh... -Uh...

-For my teddy bear.- No kidding?

They happen to be real cute.

-Santa!

-It's Santa Claus!

-Ho, ho, ho! -Now that's what I call pitching in!

B.J.: All right, everybody,come and get 'em!

Merry Christmas, Major.

Hmm? Oh, thank you.

Sir, aren't you gonna go over there

and see if there's a present for you?

I, uh... Uh, no.

-I think not. -Are you sure, sir?

To be home tonight.

A brisk walk acrossthe Boston Commons.

The bell inthe Old North Church

gently wafts its knellacross the frozen pond.

Then later, to sit with Motherand Father and Honoria

in the west wing,

sipping 100-year-old brandy.

And the servants standing by,

bathed in the light of the fire

and the glow of utter civility.

Ah, Corporal,it is to weep.

Uh, listen, Major. I happen to know

there is a present for you over there.

Uh, there is?

Well, it's probablyjust a gag gift

from one of thesecretinous yahoos.

Listen, fella.I've actually seen Santa Claus.

I sat on his lap once.

And I'm here to tell youyou ain't him.

How can you tell, Virginia?

Well, in the first place,

is that a brown mustache,or are you eating a mouse?

Listen, I don't cover up this mustache for nobody, fella.

Buzz off.

Gee, whatever happenedto "ho ho ho"?

-Socks! Just what I need!-Oh, look!

Terrific, Kellye!

-Oh!-Klinger, it's beautiful.

A bed jacket. Oh, waittill the guys see this.

Here you go, sir. I hope you like it.

-Thank you, Radar. -You're welcome.

Very thoughtful of you,

even if it should proveto be totally inappropriate.

Radar.

That's my old toboggan cap.

Yes, sir. I knew you weren't happy here,

so I wrote your mother andasked her to send something

that would make you feel more at home here.

Radar, you...

I don't know what to say.

Actually, it was Father Mulcahy's idea to write your mom.

-It was? -Uh-huh.

Oh!

The days this brings back.

The revelry.

Dear, simple days of childhood.

Gee, I thought it was gonna make you feel happy.

Excuse me.

Uh, Father?

Is there still time to, uh, contribute to your orphanage fund?

-Always. -Good.

Here.

Buy them whatever they need.

-Oh. Oh. -Here.

Buy them whatever they don't need.

Major?

-Are you all right?-

You saved me, Father.

You lowered a bucketinto the well of my despair,

and you raised me upto the light of day.

-I thank you for that. -How'd I do that?

--Oh. Oh, yes. It's lovely.

Thank you, Fa-- You know?

I never had much usefor men of the cloth.

They're so religious,

especially that Irish crowdin Boston,

but you're different, Father.

You are a credit to,

uh, your kind of person.

Thank you, Major.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Of course you will.That's how I meant it.

Ladies and gentlemen,if you'll raise your eggnogs,

I'd like to propose a toast.

To someone who's too modest,too utterly simple a man

to know how much strength he gives us

just by the decencyof his life among us...

-Father John Patrick Francis Mulcahy. -Hear, hear.

RADAR: Yea, Father.

Father, you may have noticedthat on Sunday mornings

we don't always make itover to your services.

That's because we're usuallytrying to escape this place

in a couple of hours of sleep.

But, as a result, you don't get to hear

what really great voices we have.

-Oh, it's true.

So we planneda little song for you--

"Dona Nobis Pacem."

If you want, I cantranslate that for you.

-No need to.

I say it every night before I go to sleep.

"Give us peace."

Amen.

-Hey, look! It's snowing!-Oh!

-ALL: -WOMAN: Ooh! Ahh!

Ohh! Ahh!

All of a sudden,this place is pretty.

Sorry, folks. They broke the truce.

-I got some Christmas presents for you. -All right, people.

Let's go. Merry Christmas.

MULCAHY: You know, Sis, it doesn't matter

whether you feel useful or not,

when you're moving from one disaster to another.

The trick, I guess, is to just keep moving.