Original subtitles

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Here's a sampling of world temperatures.

Miami Beach, a warm 85.

Majorca, a balmy 79.

Santiago-- chilly?

Not today! 94 degrees.

And closer to home,we can expect a warming trend.

Our midday temperaturesreaching puberty levels,

13 to 16 degrees.

-I'm not in your way, am I?-No.

I'd like to be.

Ah, swell, the fire's dying down.

There's a dead logwe can throw on the fire.

Look at him. Charles,why aren't you freezinglike the rest of us?

Because I have yoursuffering to keep me warm.

He's cold. He's got to be cold.

He's just doingthe hot act to spite us.

Actually, gentlemen, I am not altogether unaffected

by this arctic blast,

but I refuse to huddle around a fire

like you two cringing pack wolves.

Pack wolves?

I've never beenso insulted in my life.

Attention! Supply truck entering compound.

The faster we help unload,

the faster we'll get out of the cold

and back into our freezing tents.

-Lovely day, isn't it, Margaret? -MARGARET: Ohh!

The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing.

Just listen to those birdsdropping off the trees.

How could it get this cold?

Margaret, it's quite simple.

Actually, you're only as coldas your mind allows you to be.

It's a philosophical problem.

Philosophical!

My hands are so frozen,

I'll have to chisel themout of these gloves.

-Is there a Major Winchester here? -Unfortunately.

Package for you.Special delivery.

Oh, it's from Mom and Dad.

They worry about me so unnecessarily.

You're still their little punishment from heaven, Charles.

Ah! It's a polar suit!

They shouldn't have...

but then again.

-Planning a trip to Mars?-Ah!

Just what you needed,Mr. Mind-Over-Matter.

How could Mumsie and Dad send you one and forget me?

Don't stay out too long,children.

Come in before it gets cold.

Polar suit.

It will look wonderfulon you, Charles.

Wear it in good health.

Tonight, we poison his food.

Got a film for you here.

It being winter in the army,

I'll guess Nanook of the North.

Close. Sonja Henie skating her guts out

in Sun Valley Serenade.

You save the seats. I'll get the Eskimo pies.

Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.

All medical teams are instructed

to button up their overcoats.

The heat's on at last.

POTTER: Chest wound.

Type and cross two unitsof whole blood right now.

Frostbite, left hand.Put some warm towels on it.

Make sure the temperature's between 100 and 110.

Need some more warm compresses here.

MARGARET: On their way!

Doc, I can't feel my foot.

Don't worry,here comes the spring thaw.

What about that?Can you feel that?

-I don't know. -Give it a minute.

Hey, it hurts.

Good, that's your circulationcoming back.

-Um... -It's okay,you can thank me later.

Morphine, ten milligrams.

We've got to keep these boysplenty warm warm tonight.

You'll have to take someheaters from the tents again.

Sir, the last time I did that,

they hid my glasses in the meatloaf.

Then do it when we're in O.R.

Good thinking.

They don't give you the bigbird for being handsome.

CHARLES: All right, people,attention here, please.

Attention here.This is the last of them.

I'll be the son of Princess Papooli.

What the hell is that?

It's Charles modeling his new winter home.

How can you wearthat big, thick suit

in front of all thesefrostbite patients?

It's a little bulky,but I think I can manage.

Besides, what possible good would it do them now?

Nurse, my harpoon.

-Hawkeye. -Yeah?

What's up?

A very rapid pulse,but it's difficult to count

because it's so weak.

He's so cold, it's not even registering.

Hypothermia?

Must be about 85°.

Probably saved him, though.

Cold slowed down his metabolism.

Otherwise, he might have bled to death.

Start warming him here, and get him into O.R.

-I'll take him first thing.-Right.

All right, Good Humor men,let's scrub up.

I hope you melt in that thing.

So do I.

HAWKEYE: I don't believe it.

Will you look at this guy?

He's ice cold.

Must have been inthe freezer section for hours.

What's his temp?

It's still not registering.

B.J.:Dying in a winter wonderland.

CHARLES: Nurse,could you snap it upjust a bit, please?

I'd like to slip outof this abdomen

and back intomy nice warm suit.

Sponge.

What I really need is ice tongs.

-Rough going, son?-Cleaned out his wound,

but he's so cold, he can't get a rise

out of his thermometer.

Suture.

Is there anything more I can do?

Yeah, see if kissing this manwill get his temperature up.

Doctor...

Or kiss me and seewhat you can do for mine.

Pierce, before the major tells me

to tell you to shut up,

shut up.

Snitch.

Look, get a pan of hot water.

Let's try warming the bloodas it goes through the tubing.

-Maybe that will help bring him out of it. -Yes, Doctor.

Coming!

-Oh! -Major.

-Oh, Admiral Byrd. -You look cold.

-You noticed. -Yes, right away.

Margaret, I've been thinking.It just isn't fair

for me wearingthis comfortable suit

while you're working upa sweat to stay warm.

I'd like to rectify that.

-Gloves? -Fur-lined.

They came with the suit.You were complainingabout your hands.

I'd like to propose a trade--your thin gloves for these.

I'd like to prove that I'm just as hardy as the next man.

In this case, you.

Gloves. Big deal.

If you want to prove how tough you are,

why don't you give me your jacket?

Margaret, be practical.

Take it or leave it.

Very well.

-Major! -Hmm?

It's very thoughtful of you.Thank you.

Just doing what little I can.

Ain't it the truth.

I don't believe it's getting colder.

Believe it!

The mercury went underfor the third time.

How do you like that little Fahrenheist?

He's stealing our stove again!

This time, I'm hiding his glasses in the latrine!

While he's wearing them!

Why is it so cold in here?

Has the stove gone out?

Right out the door.

What happened to it?

Radar moved the stoves into post-op.

Where they're shorton polar suits.

My hands--I can't exposethem to this kind of cold.

Stick them under your armpits,Charles, and play us a tune.

Very funny.

Never mind, gentlemen. I've come prepared.

I've already taken measures that are--

-Absolutely useless!-Fits you like a glove.

The mess tent. There's a heater in there.

Let's go with him.

You go first, Charles,and bring around the sled.

-Mush. -Get out of my way!

I think we can do it if we hold our breath.

If you don't make it,can I have your wool socks?

Baby, it's cold outside.

Close that door!

ALL: Close the door!

Radar's been busy.

Shall we mingle and break the ice?

Well, you all have the right idea here.

But as a doctor, I can assure you we'll be a lot warmer

if we press our bodies together.

So let's line up here.

Girl, boy, girl,

the rest of you are on your own.

Margaret,about the gloves.

Oh, yes, I do love them, Charles.

-They're so warm. -Are they?

Why aren't you wearing mine?

Actually,I don't need them.

I was concerned becauseI was making you wear those

during the painfulbreaking-in period.

-Breaking-in period? -Yes, of course.

You see,in a glove such as this,

there's usually a twoto three-day break-in period

during which the glovemay be too tight--

But these aren't.

-Or too loose. -No, no, no.

I haven't the right to ask youto go through that.

But you have the right.

I don't want the right,I want the gloves.

Margaret, it couldbe very dangerous.

I live for thrills.

HAWKEYE: All right,let's take it from the top.

One, two, three--

♪ We're having a heat wave♪

♪ A tropical heat wave♪

Good. Men only.

♪ The temperature's rising♪

♪ It isn't surprising♪

Nurses!

♪ She certainly can can-can♪

Good. Ladies who will meet melater in my tent, let's hear it.

You certainly know howto kill a party, don't you?

You don't think this is

the proverbial hell freezingover, do you, Father?

Oh, no, no. I'm sureI'd have been informed

if anything that bigwere on the agenda.

Uh, Colonel Potter, sir,

all the heaters that you ordered

are in post-op as per you orders, sir.

Don't let it bother you, Radar.

Help yourself to a cup of hot chocolate.

I'd like to, sir, but chocolate makes my face break out.

Who's going to know?

Why me?

Why ain't I back in Toledo

lounging in some deserted junkyard?

Oh, that's good, talking to yourself.

You really are a wacko.

Yeah, but try and convinceanybody who counts.

Hey! Hey! Enemy attack!

-Radar, stay back! -What is it?

What the hell's going on?Klinger, are you all right?

-Shelling!-Where's it coming from?

-That a way.

Sir, would you mindgetting off my foot?

Radar, I'm petrified.You'll have to wait.

-What's out there?

-It's our mine field. -Ours?

They shouldn't go off like thatuntil we tell them to.

They'll be popping all night.I've seen it before.

The frost in ice contracts the ground.

The pressure sets them off.

-Stop! -It's okay, Klinger.

-It's our mine field. -They're shelling!

-Friendly explosions.-He's really shaken up.

Let's get him insideand give him something.

He can have what I'm having.

He's wearing his entire closet.

Here. This will clear outthe moths.

Hold on tight. He's liableto inhale your arm.

Hey! Hey, you trying to kill me?

This from a man who brusheshis teeth with raw garlic.

-You feel better now? -What?

You feel better now?

Don't do that. That's not funny.

What's not funny?

Quit kidding around, you guys.

Talk to me. Make some sounds.

We are making sounds.

-Can't you hear us? -I can't hear.

-What? -What?

I can see your mouth moving,but I can't hear any words.

I can't even hear myself.

Klinger, deafness willget you out of the army,

but if this is a scam,I'll nail your sorry hide.

Inner ear concussion?

Those mines will find youone way or the other.

What are you saying?

You're talking, and I can't hear you!

-We know!-Take it easy, Klinger.

There's a chance it'll clear up.

What? What? What!

There's a chanceit'll clear itself.

Doctor, could you takea look at Sergeant Dovolio?

His temperature'sdropping.

I'm on my way. Keep your eyes on his ears.

Am I saying anything? I can't see myself talk.

-Let me see myself. -Here.

-Stay with him. -Yeah.

Hello. Hello.

I've never seena hypothermia case this bad.

Would more blanketsor a hot water bottle help?

He's got enough on him now to melt Siberia.

Let's try something more drastic.

Put a tube down in his stomach

and lavage him with warm "D" and "W."

Start some warm water enemas.

If that doesn't work,we'll send for Gypsy Rose Lee.

Max, it's me.

Max Klinger.

Oh, Max.

How I yearn for the soundof your voice.

What's the good word?

"Heat," which he's lacking.

No change?

We're in the fourth quarterof a tight ball game, Colonel.

I think it's time to go in for the big play.

Okay. You call it.

Immerse him in warm water.

It won't do much for his complexion,

but it may just keep him alive.

Nope. Too risky.Could throw him into shock.

We've got to raise his temperature.

Immersing could kill him,

and what aboutpost-op infection?

That water's gonna migratealong those silk sutures.

He'll have seepageinto the wounds.

Okay, you got several points.

Let's just give hima little more time.

I'll stay here and watch him for a while.

Oh, I was hopingyou'd say that.

I've got Sonja Heniewarming up in the projector.

I never thanked herfor the autographed herring.

They say skating's in the thighs.

You ever notice Sonja Henie thighs?

Not me. I'm only interested in her mind.

In my younger days,I used to dream aboutskating away with her

down a frozen fjord in Norway.

Yeah, I really fell for her

again and again and again.

I can't believe it. Look at me. I'm deaf!

Why the hell couldn't they leave me in Toledo?

I wasn't bothering anyone.

Wait a minute.

Boy, you take things for granted, don't you?

All the beautiful sounds I'll never hear again.

The sizzle of a Hungarian hot dog.

The kiss of an eight ball.

The wail of police sirens and the cops yelling...

"Hey, you, camel nose! Up against the wall!"

-Can you hear all this?-Mm-hmm.

The sweet "thwack" of a cue stick

breaking over some guy's head.

Gone. It's all gone.

Oh, please, let me hear again!

Now, Klinger, this is gonnamake you feel better.

Just like a shotin the arm.

What do you mean you're gonna stick that in my ear?

You think I can't read lips?

Nurse,a little help here.

You get away from me with that.

This is just a little sedative

-to help you sleep. -Oh, no, no.

-Oh, yes. -Now, B.J. No, no.

B.J., oh, no! No, no!

Okay, easy, easy.

Very nice. Okay.

There you go.

Good night, sweet prince.

Oh, no. I can't see, either.

MARGARET: Oh, my.

Just look how graceful they are.

POTTER: Ha ha!I'm loving this.

CHARLES: It's quite an amusing little film, isn't it, Margaret?

No, you can'thave your gloves.

I thought I'd buy them from you

or lease them if you prefer.

They're not for saleor lease.

$45 is a fair price.

Watch the movie.

55 is my last offer.

And this is my last no.

Shh!

POTTER: Radar, now watch this.

This one will be a real doozy.

RADAR: Ooh. Boy,

how does she do thatwithout throwing up?

You know, Father, watching Sonja Henie

makes you believe in a supreme being.

You don't create somethinglike that by accident.

Yes. He must have beenpaying very close attention

to His work that day.

I tell you what.

Why don't you give me those gloves now,

and I'll have Mom send two pair from home next week?

I don't care if she sends mea full house. No.

You'll be hearing from my attorney.

Shh! And that's an order!

POTTER:I haven't seen such precision

since Radio City Music Hall.

Boy, those Rockettes.

Ever see the Rockettes, Radar?

Just on the Fourth of July, sir.

Right.

Margaret--

Are you still at it?

Margaret, settle down.

I merely want to apologize for my behavior.

This bitter weather's turnedme into an absolute cad.

You can say that again.

Can you ever forgive me, Margaret?

-Oh, of course. -Ooh...

Oh, that's warm.

Get Colonel Potter.

-Now? -Right now.

Here's the part I've beenwaiting for--the big finale.

This is supposed to bewhere she does a triple-axle

and ends up in a split.

Oh, wouldn't you know?

Now I'll never get to see it.

His body temperature'sstill about 85 degrees.

His pulse is irregular.

-Okay, we immerse him. -No argument from me.

I suppose you've figured out what we're going to immerse him in.

Sure. B.J.?

Thank you. Let's see...The sink's too small.

-What about a tent canvas?-Too awkward.

Colonel? Colonel, you should have seen the end of the movie.

-Not now, Radar.-It was no Song of Bernadette,

but it had some fine moments.

Radar, we've got to dunk Dovolio in hot water.

What have you got that's big enough to hold him?

-You mean all of 'em? -A sink?

Sorry,that's already been sunk.

The bubble off oneof the choppers.

How are you gonna get it off?

I'm not.It's a lousy idea.

Radar?

No. You're gonna think it's funny.

-What? What?-Come on, son, tell us.

Okay, you promiseyou won't think it's weird?

I promise. I promise.

What about a coffin?

Radar, that's weird.

But it's a great idea.

Can you dig one up?

Yeah, there's one in the supply room.

Yeah, we were shooting crapson it a couple of nights ago.

It could be linedwith ponchos.

Yeah, come on, Radar, let's get it.

It will be nice putting a coffin

to good use for a change.

-Where is it, Radar? -I don't know.

"Standard snow boot, model L51-g."

Radar, why weren't thesesnow boots distributed?

They're not exactly regulation.

60 pair are like that?

No, some have straps.

-There's our box--uh, tub.-Yeah.

Listen, Father,you mind if I take that end?

'Cause walking backwardsalways makes me nauseous.

By all means, Radar.

Holy cow, is this heavy.Wait a minute.

Let me get a better grip,Father.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Hey, I know what's in here--I mean, who'sin there.

I mean, I don't know whowho,but I know what who.

Radar, get a hold of yourself.

There's a whatchamacallitin there.

-No, there isn't! -Yes, there is!

Oh, no!Father, don't do that!

-Look! -Oh, no! You look!

-Radar. -Oh! Oh, my gosh!

Father, put it back on him!

Radar...

the dear departed snow boots.

You can forget what it is,this makes a real nice bathtub.

You bathe in it. It's like a scene

from "Esther WilliamsMeets Dracula."

Fifteen more minutes,

he's got the world's record for backstroke in a coffin.

His heartbeat is really irregular.

We're losing him.

Uh-oh, I've lost it. Cardiac arrest.

-Get him out of here. -Clear that gurney.

HAWKEYE: Ambu bag!

POTTER: Calciumand two amps of bicarb!

I'll get up on top of him.

-Ambu bag.-Get some calcium and bicarb.

POTTER: Okay, I'm doing it.

Get any pulse?

Nothing. Keep it up, Hawk.

Anything?

Yeah, fairly regular and strong.

He's breathingon his own.

Set up some oxygen,eight liters per minute.

You were right about the shock.

Yeah, but he's a lot warmer.

I think we got it.

Let's get him to back bedand continue as before.

That hot bath turned the trick.

Looks like your suggestionsaved his life, Radar.

Oh, yeah.

Of course, those guyshelped a little too.

Anybody want to buy a used coffin?

Not on your life.

Hey, what's the ruckus?

You people are really rude.

Can't a guy geta little sleep?

I can hear.I can hear!

Well, come on,say something now!I can hear!

"Congratulations, Klinger,""Saints be praised"

"Proud of you, son,""Atta boy,"

"Hey, that's great."I heard every word! Ha ha!

You're lucky, son.

Oh, I can hear you. I can hear everything.

♪ I hear music

♪ Mighty fine music

I think liked him better the other way.

I heard that! I heard that!

Too bad, son.Loss of hearingwas a perfect out.

That's right. You can't hear,you can't be in the army.

-We do have our standards.-I can't believe my ears.

Sorry, Klinger. Maybe next time.

-What was that, sir? -All right, Klinger.

What did you say, sir?It's gone again.

-I can't hear now. -It's too late, son.

They?

Knock it off! It won't work!

All right, already.You don't have to yell.

What do you think I am, deaf?

Father, before we drinkthis blessed soup,

would you like to bless it?

Oh, yes. Well, looks like I'm on.

Dear Lord, for what we are about to receive, we thank Thee.

And in reference to our conversation of yesterday,

it's still rather nippy down here.

There. How's that?

Oh--Amen.

ALL: Amen.

Okay, Father, you blessed it,you taste it.

Might as well go all the way.

Well?

Meh...

Klinger, do the honors,will you?

Here you are, Margaret.

No point in both of uswaiting in that line.

-How considerate. -De nada.

-Oh, thank you! -Thank you.