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1
00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:00,973
Welcome to the oven, Hansel.
2
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:03,237
I think I'm ready to be basted.
3
00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:05,978
11:00, and all's hell.
4
00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:08,242
Even my fingernails
are sweating.
5
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:09,721
When is this heat gonna end?
6
00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:11,723
About five minutesbefore winter.
7
00:01:11,723 --> 00:01:13,247
Come on. Let's get outfrom under this hot moon.
8
00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:15,336
I think the cheese is melting.
9
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:19,992
What's this?
10
00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:22,212
I don't know.It could be a large box.
11
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,519
Probably another care packagefor Charles--
12
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:26,434
something important likehis Toscanini collection.
13
00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:29,480
Knowing Charles,it's probably Toscanini.
14
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,830
It's from Abercrombie & Fitch.
It's for us!
15
00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:34,703
-The bathtub!
16
00:01:34,703 --> 00:01:37,271
-Six months we've been waiting!-
17
00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:40,361
-It's beautiful!-Beautiful? You ingrate.
18
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,667
It's gorgeous.It's magnificent.It's the--
19
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:45,627
-It's beautiful!
-It's the only tub
from here to Seoul.
20
00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:46,845
And it's ours, all ours!
21
00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:49,370
Let's set it up,
see how it handles.
22
00:01:49,370 --> 00:01:51,023
You know what this means,don't you, Beej?
23
00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:52,764
From now on, we bathe.
24
00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:55,332
-Not a shower, a bathe.-Oh.
25
00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,164
No more standing in line,
26
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:04,428
waiting for a measlytrickle down your back.
27
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:06,430
When a man has his tub,
he's his own island,
28
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:10,565
surrounded on all sidesby clear, refreshing water.
29
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:13,133
--I feel cooler already.
30
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,786
Everybody should have one.
31
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,310
Can you imagine
how they'll envy us
32
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,573
when they find out
we got this?
33
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:21,010
-We better hide this thing.-We better hide it.
34
00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:24,448
-Uh, no. Uh, no.
-A tub!
35
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:27,364
What are you two doing
with my tub?
36
00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:29,061
-Yours?
-What makes you think
it's yours?
37
00:02:29,061 --> 00:02:31,063
It's characteristicof my family to send me one.
38
00:02:31,063 --> 00:02:34,458
We bought this
from our relatives,
Abercrombie & Fitch.
39
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:35,764
To make a long story short,
Charles,
40
00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,505
you come out high and dry.
41
00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:40,160
Your middle-class senseof decency and fair play
42
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,510
will overwhelm the maliceyou now bear me,
43
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:47,689
and soon I shall be luxuriatingin that canvas Xanadu.
44
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,518
And if that craps out,I'll just bribe you silly.
45
00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:54,130
-Not on your life, boy.
-All right.
46
00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:57,002
Perhaps you gentlemenwouldn't be adverse to, uh--
47
00:02:57,002 --> 00:02:59,091
to a little blackmail.
48
00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:01,268
Oh, camp!
49
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:03,444
Fifty people
won't fit in that tub.
50
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:05,010
You wouldn't tell everybodyabout our tub, would you?
51
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,534
Not if I'm in it.
52
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:10,842
Here's your coffee, sir.
53
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:12,975
Hot coffee, today?
54
00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:15,717
You have hot coffee
this time every day.It's almost like a habit.
55
00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:17,936
I'll tell you what.Leave it on your deskfor a few hours.
56
00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:20,983
-Let it cool off.
-That's how I
got it to warm up.
57
00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:24,421
I guess nothing makes senseat 104 degrees Fahrenheit.
58
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:25,857
Gee, I like your palm, sir.
59
00:03:25,857 --> 00:03:27,468
I had Mildred send it to me.
60
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:29,687
I'm growing it for the shade.
61
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:32,690
Sir, you're looking at a manwho is slowly killing himself,
62
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,171
and I must warn you,it's no thrill to behold.
63
00:03:35,171 --> 00:03:38,479
Not today, Klinger.I'm very closeto my boiling point.
64
00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:39,871
Klinger, you smell
like the raccoon
65
00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,308
that died
under our house.
66
00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,961
There's a method
to my madness,
67
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:44,833
O Short One of the Open Pores.
68
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:47,227
-Watch it.
-Colonel!
69
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,794
If I can't go home
with a Section 8,
70
00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:52,884
I'm gonna take advantageof the current weather
and kill myself
71
00:03:52,884 --> 00:03:55,844
by dehydrationand/or heat prostration,
72
00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:58,281
offending as many peopleas I can along the way.
73
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,718
Well, that's one way out
of this man's army.
74
00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:03,808
I've always thought of itas that man's army, sir.
75
00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:05,897
Out of my office, fur ball.
76
00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:09,423
My untimely death will be
on your head, Colonel.
77
00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:12,774
-Out!
-Come, my cheap mink.
78
00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:17,648
-Radar, do we have
any incense around?
-I'll get the incense.
79
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:23,828
♪ Anchors aweigh, my boys
80
00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:26,266
♪ Anchors aweigh
81
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:30,922
Keep it quiet, will ya?You gotta sing, sing underwater.
82
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:33,708
♪ I've got my brand-new tub
83
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:36,363
♪ And now I'm on my way
84
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:38,190
-Shh!
85
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:42,107
Good morning, B.J.
86
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:43,979
Oh, good morning, Father.Hot enough for you?
87
00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:46,590
- Purgatorial.
88
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:48,636
I like to think of itas a sinner's sneak preview.
89
00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:50,855
HAWKEYE: ♪ I'm Hawkeye
the sailor man ♪
90
00:04:52,030 --> 00:04:53,510
So what can I do
for you, Father?
91
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:55,947
Well, as the showers
were occupied,
92
00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:58,602
I thought I'd usethe scrub sink to cool off.
93
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,343
-Go soak my head, as it were.
94
00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:02,780
Isn't that interesting?
95
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:05,479
Hawkeye and I had the same idea.He's using it now.
96
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:08,090
♪ I'm Hawkeye
the sailor man ♪
97
00:05:08,090 --> 00:05:12,486
-Yes, he seems to be
enjoying himself.
98
00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:13,965
If I may be so bold, B.J.,
99
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:17,317
you're lying
to the wrong fella.
100
00:05:18,796 --> 00:05:20,363
Uh, Hawk.
101
00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:23,801
Why, you little devils!
102
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:26,326
I have a good mind
to baptize you both
103
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,936
in dirty water.
104
00:05:27,936 --> 00:05:30,634
Good work, Beej.That's really keeping them out.
105
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:33,071
Forgive us, Father,for we wanted you to knownot what we do.
106
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:36,336
Oh, don't worry about me.I'm next, after Winchester.
107
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,816
Who's after me,
who's after you.
108
00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:42,559
-Up!
-Oh, it's beautiful.
109
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:45,170
Thank you from the whole gang.
110
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:47,477
Let's try to keep the gangdown to four, okay, Father?
111
00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:50,872
Oh, you're forgetting.I'm in the secret business.
112
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:52,787
I want it!
113
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:55,050
Women often have that reactionwhen they see me naked.
114
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,573
Wonderful. Charles isprobably announcing it
115
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:57,966
on Armed Forces Radio.
116
00:05:57,966 --> 00:05:59,663
All right, what deal didWinchester make with you
117
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:00,969
that he had no right to?
118
00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:04,146
I supply the bubble bath.Oh, look at it!
119
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:06,975
Oh, I'm just gonnasoak in it for hours.
120
00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:09,369
Careful, Margaret.You're drooling on my ducky.
121
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,154
-Well, now we are five.-Four if we drown Charles.
122
00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:15,070
You certainly don't think he'srunning around telling other
people about it?
123
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:17,768
-All right, hold
your water, everybody.
124
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:21,163
This can still work.We hide this when we have to.
125
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:24,645
We respect each other's privacy,change the water now and then...
126
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:27,517
and above all be greedyand keep this thing to
ourselves.
127
00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:29,476
-Amen.
-B.J., MARGARET: Amen!
128
00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,264
-Are you all right?
-Oh, sure, sir.
129
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:37,092
It's just the heat
and the work, that's all.
130
00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:39,007
You looklike an old banana.
131
00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:40,443
Thank you, sir.
132
00:06:40,443 --> 00:06:42,053
You've been bustin'your buns all day.
133
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,707
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a hand.
134
00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:45,666
We'll have you outta herein no time.
135
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:47,668
-That's very nice,
but the work is--
-I wanna help you.
136
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,365
I know, but it's not
that hard.
137
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:51,672
And I'm going to help youwhether you want it or not.
138
00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:54,283
-I knew I'd see it
your way, sir.
-Dandy.
139
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,372
Okay, I'm putting thesein the personnel file,
140
00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:58,374
and I'm filing them
in alphabetical order,
141
00:06:58,374 --> 00:06:59,593
like A, B, C, D, E, F...
142
00:06:59,593 --> 00:07:01,290
I'll pick it up in a minute.
143
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:06,164
Sir, Corporal Klingerreporting
144
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,776
with a surprisefor your eyes.
145
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:11,648
-Holy cow!
-How about it, huh?
146
00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:13,998
You can't get thesejust everywhere.
147
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:16,261
Klinger, I'm impressed.
148
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:18,786
The latest in rubberreducing suits.
149
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,049
I'm getting out of hereif I have to go pint by pint.
150
00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:24,792
-Aren't you gettinga little carried away, son?-Oh, I hope so, sir.
151
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:27,316
But you alonehave the power to save me.
152
00:07:27,316 --> 00:07:30,711
Let's face it. Would a sane manabuse himself like this?
153
00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:32,974
Just lookin' at him
makes my eyes woozy.
154
00:07:32,974 --> 00:07:37,152
Klinger, this one is
definitely in the running.
155
00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:39,981
Oh, be still, my sweaty heart.I think I see daylight.
156
00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:42,897
By golly, maybe you do.I'll tell you what.
157
00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:47,858
If you can stand being
in a getup like that
for another 24 hours,
158
00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:50,774
you are the craziest manI've ever met.
159
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,428
You mean to say that--
160
00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:54,909
I mean to say that
whatever's left of you
161
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:57,389
can have that magic
Section 8.
162
00:07:57,389 --> 00:08:00,175
-Wow!
-Eureka!
163
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:02,438
I did it! I did it!
164
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,875
Whoa, whoa!
You didn't did it yet.
165
00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:06,703
You've gotta prove
you're a maniac.
166
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:11,055
If you'll pardon the seasonalpun, sir, no sweat.
167
00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,536
All right. Let's synchronizeour watches.
168
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:16,104
Oh, sorry, sir. My watchwent for the rubber suit.
169
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:18,062
-But I'll trust you.
-Okay.
170
00:08:18,062 --> 00:08:20,978
Twenty-four hours
from mark.
171
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:23,111
You're on your way,
Klinger. Good luck.
172
00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:27,376
Thank you, Colonel.I kiss your palm.
173
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,857
Oh, Radar, when you've
got some time later,
I want to call home
174
00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:32,468
and order my Toledo Mud Henseason tickets.
175
00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:34,296
-You bet. And good luck.-I'm free.
176
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,254
Free. Free!
177
00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:40,084
Hello, Margaret.
178
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:42,217
Hello yourself,and see how you like it.
179
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:44,045
Wait. Don't tell me.
Let me guess.
180
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:46,569
-You're upset.
-You bet I am.
181
00:08:46,569 --> 00:08:48,571
I had a free half hourthis afternoon,
182
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:50,704
and Admiral Winchesterbeat me to the tub.
183
00:08:50,704 --> 00:08:53,358
Um... Um...
184
00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:55,230
Margaret, we don't
use the "T" word
185
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,492
in front of company.
186
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:57,928
Oh, you're right.
187
00:08:57,928 --> 00:09:00,191
Could you please keep
your hot lips sealed?
188
00:09:02,063 --> 00:09:03,673
Can we move along, sir?
189
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:05,283
We've already had
three servers
190
00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:06,676
faint from the steam.
191
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:08,548
I'll just have the salad.
192
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:15,076
Brown lettuce?
193
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:17,600
What am I supposed to dowith this, eat it or smoke it?
194
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,820
You think that's brown?
Look at the mayonnaise.
195
00:09:21,038 --> 00:09:23,040
Right back at you.
196
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,435
You want green,
have the liver.
197
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:28,655
-Mind if I fast here?
-Huh? Oh, sure.
198
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,787
You can sit down if you want.
199
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:38,142
Radar, don't pick at your food.It'll never heal.
200
00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:45,410
-Your tonsils again, huh?-Yeah.
201
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:47,108
Your temperature's
up a little.
202
00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:48,805
It's a hot day, sir.
203
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:51,068
I don't think
the penicillin's working.
204
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,070
Eventually, they're gonna
have to come out, you know.
205
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:54,768
Oh, no, sir. Please?
206
00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:56,378
Just give me a bigger doseof penicillin.
207
00:09:56,378 --> 00:09:58,336
-Maybe that'll cure it.-I don't know.
208
00:09:58,336 --> 00:10:00,382
-You're pretty moldy right now.-Please? Please?
209
00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:02,602
-Please?
-All right.
210
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,039
For now, I think we should getyour temperature down, though.
211
00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:07,171
How you gonna do that, sir?
212
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:13,351
Can you keep
a military secret?
213
00:10:13,351 --> 00:10:15,615
Anything.
214
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,704
At the risk of severe
personal injury,
215
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,488
I'm about to break
a sacred vow.
216
00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:22,491
Last night, B.J. and I got
217
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:25,755
a very important package
from home.
218
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:28,802
You mean the bathtubfrom Abalone and Finch?
219
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,238
You know?
220
00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:32,501
Well, of course.
I signed for it.
221
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,068
And you didn't
tell anybody?
222
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:36,418
Of course not.Who cares about a bathtub?
223
00:10:36,418 --> 00:10:38,681
-Shh!
-What? What?
224
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,378
Don't you understand?
225
00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:42,946
You can fill it with water
and get in it.
226
00:10:42,946 --> 00:10:45,514
Are you crazy?Get into a bathtubfull of hot water?
227
00:10:45,514 --> 00:10:47,777
I got a temperature.
228
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:52,869
Radar, you can also fill itwith cool water.
229
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:54,828
Oh. Cool w--
230
00:10:54,828 --> 00:10:56,394
Oh! I could cool offin the bathtub.
231
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:59,006
-Good idea. Let's go.
-Wait, wait, wait.
232
00:10:59,006 --> 00:11:00,921
Could I have privacywith nobody around?
233
00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:03,619
-Not even a mirror.
-Let's go.
234
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,928
-Did I hear right?
-A bathtub?
235
00:11:07,928 --> 00:11:11,322
I heard right.
236
00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:13,455
All right, Radar.
237
00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:14,674
Is there anybodyout there?
238
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,979
It's all clear.
239
00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:17,459
I even blindfolded
the duck.
240
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:18,895
Are you sure, sir?
241
00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:20,854
'Cause I'm all nakedand everything.
242
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,986
Radar, my eyes are closed,
my back is turned,
243
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:24,379
and I'm ready to leave.
244
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:33,954
You call that naked?
245
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,173
Oh, I knew you'd peek!
246
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:38,915
All right, I'm going.
But promise me one thing.
247
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,656
Don't bathe
with your shorts on.
248
00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:43,659
They'll balloon up,
and you'll float away.
249
00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:45,443
Okay, I'm going.
250
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,665
Enjoy your privacy, Corporal.
251
00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:52,146
-Oh, it's beautiful!
252
00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:56,846
--Oh! Don't look! Don't look!
253
00:11:58,674 --> 00:12:00,545
All right, all right!
So you know!
254
00:12:00,545 --> 00:12:01,982
But don't tell anybody!
255
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,555
MAN : Attention! The Pierce/Hunnicutt bathtub
256
00:12:10,555 --> 00:12:13,994
will remain open
on a first-come,
first-soak basis.
257
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:17,519
Your cooperation
is appreciated
but not expected.
258
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:22,916
Ah, that Pierce
and his big mouth.
259
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:25,745
I'll probably never getto use that thing.
260
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,703
Private, are you
watching the time?
261
00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:29,618
Everybody's
got 10 minutes, Major.
262
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:32,012
If someone goes 11,
I got orders to shoot.
263
00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:34,492
This is the ultimatedegradation--
264
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,756
forced to stand in linewith the great unwashed.
265
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,280
Hey, how can you peopledress like that?
266
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,977
Are you nuts? You'll freeze.
267
00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:42,631
-Quiet!
268
00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:45,808
Boy! What I need right now
269
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:48,985
is a bracing cup
of hot chocolate.
270
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,944
Hey, hey, don't bunch upover there.
271
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:53,076
You're a sucker
for an avalanche.
272
00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:56,471
That man is the Michelangeloof deviant behavior.
273
00:12:56,471 --> 00:13:00,301
Looks who's talking.
Most people just sing
when they bathe.
274
00:13:00,301 --> 00:13:02,433
I always listen to musicwhilst tubbing.
275
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:04,392
This morning,
my suds shall ripple
276
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:06,873
to the soundsof the "1812 Overture."
277
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:09,310
Easy, easy. Clods.
278
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:11,138
Private, 10 minutes!
279
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:12,530
Not according to Mickey.
280
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:15,751
Margaret... Margaret, relax.
281
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:16,970
Just thinkabout that cool water
282
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:20,756
dancing over yourever-receptive skin
283
00:13:20,756 --> 00:13:23,715
your body soothed intoa state of deep contentment
284
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:27,110
-while every pore
cries out in ecstasy.
-ALL:
285
00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:28,546
It's fabulous.
It's just fabulous.
286
00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:30,026
Besides, it's something to do.
287
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:32,507
I can't stand it anymore!I can't stand it!
288
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:35,205
Who's ever in there,come on out this minuteor I'll yank you out!
289
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:37,947
Do you hear me?
Come on out of there!
290
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:40,820
-ALL:
-Get him out of there!
291
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,910
Now just one
blessed moment!
292
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,955
I'll come out
when my time is up
293
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:47,957
and not one minute before!
294
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:51,743
It's my bath, and I'm
taking it! So there!
295
00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:53,745
Forgive me.
296
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:55,704
Six months we waitedfor that bathtub.
297
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,619
Now we're gonna have to waitin line six more months
298
00:13:57,619 --> 00:13:59,099
-before we can use it.
-Tell me again.
299
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:01,231
The first 50 times
didn't sink in.
300
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,146
Come on. I'll buy you
a beer. You can cry in it.
301
00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:05,453
-Buy me two.
-Two beers.
302
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:07,542
Radar, I'm sorry
I drove you to drink.
303
00:14:07,542 --> 00:14:09,239
It's just Grape Nehi.
304
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,807
It'll be on my conscienceforever.
305
00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:13,853
I'm looking for CaptainsPierce and Hunnicutt.
306
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,506
-Here.
-Present.
307
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:17,900
Clifford Rhoden,
Supply Sergeant,222nd Combat Engineers.
308
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:20,294
-I wanna buy your bathtub.
-Rhoden. Rhoden.
309
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,296
-The Scrounger.
-Oh, right.
310
00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:24,428
Sergeant Rhoden
of Sears and Rhoden.
311
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:26,561
Supplies a wide
variety of contraband,
312
00:14:26,561 --> 00:14:28,824
even if he has to robhis grandmother to get it.
313
00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:30,521
You read my brochure.
314
00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:31,783
The tub's not for sale.
315
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:33,133
It's been in my family
since yesterday.
316
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:34,569
I couldn't bear
to part with it.
317
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:36,658
Well, let me work
my magic on you.
318
00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:38,703
-Watch it.
-I got it all.
319
00:14:38,703 --> 00:14:42,142
-Radios, tailor-made clothing.-No.
320
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:45,449
-Twelve-year-old scotch.-Help me, Beej.
321
00:14:45,449 --> 00:14:48,888
Steady. Steady.No deal, Rhoden.
322
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,020
Hard sell, huh?
All right.
323
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:54,067
Here's somethin'
nobody can resist.
324
00:14:56,460 --> 00:15:01,204
Stag films guaranteedto make a grown man blush.
325
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:03,772
Probably kill you.
326
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:07,080
-No sale nohow.
-I got it figured out.
327
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,472
You're making money on this,aren't you?
328
00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:10,213
I seen that line out there.
329
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:11,954
How much you charging,five bucks a butt? Ten?
330
00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:13,173
Nothing.
331
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:15,958
Nothing for a skinny dipin paradise?
332
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,742
What are you guys,Communists?
333
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:19,048
Nyet.
334
00:15:19,048 --> 00:15:21,050
All right,
335
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:23,226
but you haven't heardthe last of Sergeant Rhoden.
336
00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:27,317
-Nobody says no
to the Scrounger.
-No?
337
00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:30,320
The entire free enterprisesystem is ridin' on this one.
338
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,495
Oh.
339
00:15:32,757 --> 00:15:33,933
What a creep.
340
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,282
Boy, I thought
he had you guys
341
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:36,587
on that 12-year-old scotch.
342
00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:38,938
-Nah.
-To willpower.
343
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,114
Quick, drink before
I run after him.
344
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:50,384
-All right, Radar,let's look at that throat.-No, it's okay, honest!
345
00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:53,430
-Come on.
-Come on. Let us inbefore we come in after you.
346
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:56,259
All right, you can look,but don't touch anything.
347
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:58,870
-They're purple.-That's the Grape Nehi.
348
00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:01,830
-Oh.
-Oh, we've left them
in too long, Radar.
349
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,919
-They're ready to be picked.-Oh, geez, I knew it.
350
00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:06,139
I knew it. Isn't thereanything else that can be done?
351
00:16:06,139 --> 00:16:07,488
Sure. You can
leave 'em in
352
00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:08,837
and be miserable
the rest of your life.
353
00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:10,143
I'm willing
to take my chances.
354
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:11,753
No, you're not.Come on, let's go.
355
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:13,798
Oh, geez. How long will itbe before I can talk good?
356
00:16:13,798 --> 00:16:16,323
How long you been trying?
357
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:17,933
How much are we charging
Radar for this?
358
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:20,936
Nothing. He promised to leavehis teddy bear to science.
359
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:22,503
Hey, Doc, can you
spare a salt pill?
360
00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:25,114
Oh, Klinger, come on!Get off it, will ya?
361
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:27,029
Not when I've come this far.
362
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,813
I don't care if they send meback in an eyedropper,
363
00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:30,076
as long as they
send me back.
364
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,773
Where do you keep
the salt pills?
365
00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:33,644
Somebody asking
for salt pills?
366
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:36,821
Salt pills? Oh, uh,
not for me, sir.
367
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:39,085
Some of the other people
are having problems
with the heat--
368
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:41,304
weak constitutions, quitters,that sort of thing.
369
00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:43,567
I thought I'd
spend my last day
helping others.
370
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:46,309
As for myself, sir,
I'm fresh as a daisy.
371
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:47,832
But you smell
like a garlic blossom.
372
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:49,356
Well, back to work, sir.
373
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:51,010
Back to work.
374
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,663
You know, boys,that little tub of yours
375
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,622
is turning into
a big monster.
376
00:16:54,622 --> 00:16:57,842
That line out there
is a burning fuse.
Do you read me?
377
00:16:57,842 --> 00:17:00,236
Aw, Colonel, don't make
us pull the plug.
378
00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:03,283
That isn't just a tub.That's 63 gallons ofcivilization.
379
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,285
Wonderful. When the campgoes up in smoke,
380
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,200
we can use it
to put out the fire.
381
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,767
-Now you're being practical.-And another thing.
382
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:12,422
I don't want you rushingthrough Radar's operation.
383
00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:14,685
Don't worry about a thing,Colonel. We'll see you inside.
384
00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:16,383
Now tell me again
how we do this.
385
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:17,993
I thought you knew.
386
00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:20,822
Steady, steady.
You want more suction?
387
00:17:20,822 --> 00:17:23,259
-Just more silence.
-Okay, okay.
388
00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:25,131
But sometimes,the simple operations
389
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:26,436
prove to bethe trickiest.
390
00:17:26,436 --> 00:17:27,655
I had a professor
391
00:17:27,655 --> 00:17:29,744
who stitched that
on a cadaver.
392
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:32,094
Good Lord!
Tom Sawyer and Becky
393
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:33,356
are still lost down there.
394
00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:35,054
Just finish the operation.
395
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,881
Not till I find Injun Joe.
396
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:39,710
Easy, easy.Calls for a lighter touch.
397
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:41,147
Steady as she goes.
398
00:17:41,147 --> 00:17:42,670
You wanna show me
how, Colonel?
399
00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:44,150
All right.
400
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:47,153
He's taking the instrument.
401
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,459
You gotta go lightlyaround the superior pole.
402
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,635
Steady as she goes.
Steady as she goes.
403
00:17:57,554 --> 00:17:59,904
Hey, hurry up in there!Nobody's that dirty!
404
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,864
-How would you know?
-Oh, pardon me.
405
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,909
I cannot.You are inexcusable.
406
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:06,781
Listen, Major, just becauseyou live in this line
407
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:07,956
doesn't mean you own it.
408
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:09,914
Curb your tongue,dogface.
409
00:18:09,914 --> 00:18:12,134
Thanks for saving my place.
410
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,744
Hey, what do you mean,
your place?
411
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:15,050
Your place is behind him.
412
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:16,704
Nothin' doin'.
I forgot my shampoo.
413
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,227
Now I'm back where I was.
414
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:19,707
You're gonna be someplaceyou never been
415
00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:20,969
if you don't get outta here.
416
00:18:20,969 --> 00:18:22,144
Make me!
417
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:25,365
Now, now, now, idiots.
418
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:27,889
Hey, fight.
Good fight over here.
419
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:29,325
Throw some water on them.Break it up.
420
00:18:29,325 --> 00:18:31,327
There's a war on,
you know.
421
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:33,938
Hey, good fight out here.Good fight.
422
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:37,377
Right over there. Gentlemen.
423
00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:39,205
Boy, I tell ya,
424
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:41,163
watching a tonsillectomy likethat can be really grueling.
425
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,469
All right, all right.
426
00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:44,253
If you doctors will
excuse me,
427
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:45,907
I'm gonna slip into
my Buster Crabbe swim fins
428
00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,038
and take the plunge.
429
00:18:47,038 --> 00:18:49,345
-Oh, yeah?
430
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:53,610
Come on! Break it up!
Break it up!
431
00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,875
-Let me at him!
-You were at him.
432
00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,399
All you did was
break his shirt.
433
00:18:59,399 --> 00:19:01,357
What started this,
as if I didn't know?
434
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:03,142
He tried to shove in lineahead of me.
435
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:06,057
Well, that's certainlyenough reason to kill a man.
436
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:07,798
That's it! I don't care
how you do it,
437
00:19:07,798 --> 00:19:09,583
but get rid of that tub.
438
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,541
-It's a menace.
-Aw, come on, Colonel.
439
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:14,153
I want it out of town
by sundown.
440
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:15,632
Send me instead.
441
00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:18,722
-Swell.
-Come on.
442
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,768
I'll treat you
to a measly little shower.
443
00:19:20,768 --> 00:19:25,164
-♪ -Comin' through! Excuse me.
444
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,517
Ahh. Good.
445
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:32,867
-Oh.
446
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,610
-Thank you.
447
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:41,310
-Oh, hello.
-Major.
448
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,051
Ah, Radar.
449
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:45,140
I didn't recognize you
without your tonsils.
450
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,750
If you guys come by
to make me feel better,
451
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:48,099
don't come by.
452
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:49,797
Hey, it's gonna hurtfor a couple days,
453
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:51,277
then it'll be all over.
454
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:52,452
How about a nice cool drinkof water?
455
00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:53,627
That ought to drownyour sorrows.
456
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,629
Uh-uh. No more water.
457
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:57,457
Ice cream. Strawberry.
458
00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:59,067
Radar, this is Korea.
459
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,982
There isn't a Good Humor manwithin 10,000 miles.
460
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:02,505
Then could you guys
kind of leave?
461
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,029
I'd like to be alone
in my misery.
462
00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:07,249
All right. If you want us,you have our card.
463
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,338
And don't talk so much.
464
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:12,254
Sirs? I'm sorry
I'm such a pain.
465
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,256
It's hard to be nice
when you're miserable.
466
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:16,432
We know, Radar. We know.
467
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:21,872
-Here's opportunity!
468
00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:24,745
Knocking once more.
469
00:20:24,745 --> 00:20:27,661
I figured out why you don'twant to trade for the tub.
470
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:30,446
-It's 'cause you hate me.-Oh, you've only scratchedthe surface.
471
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:32,100
This time, I've brought justmy first-line merchandise.
472
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,058
Will you listen to me, please?
473
00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:36,322
-Okay, we'll listen.
-Yeah.
474
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:39,542
You will? Good.
475
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:42,850
Swiss-made watches, guaranteedto do everything but yodel.
476
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:45,026
-Who cares what
time it is here?
-No.
477
00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:46,332
Remember me telling youabout that 12-year-old scotch?
478
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,682
A whole case.
479
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,205
-Sold.
-Great.
480
00:20:50,205 --> 00:20:51,424
-Hawk?
-Huh?
481
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,339
-We can do better.
-Plus... what?
482
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,384
-Radar.
-Oh, yeah, right.
483
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:58,387
Plus, we want, uh, uh,10 gallons of ice cream.
484
00:20:58,387 --> 00:20:59,867
Ice cream in this heat?
485
00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,608
-Strawberry.
-Strawberry.
486
00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,174
Two cases of scotch.
487
00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:04,654
Okay, two cases of scotch.
488
00:21:04,654 --> 00:21:06,003
And the ice cream.
489
00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:08,179
Oh, come on, sirs.
Give me a break.
490
00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:10,443
That's our final offer.Scotch a la mode.
491
00:21:10,443 --> 00:21:13,141
Well, I got some connections
492
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:15,230
that's got someconnections in the Navy
493
00:21:15,230 --> 00:21:16,840
and maybe one of themaircraft carriers out there
494
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,189
could spare a gallon or two.
495
00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:19,756
I'll see what I can drum up.
496
00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:22,193
If it's 10 gallons ofstrawberry, you got a deal.
497
00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:23,978
Deal.
498
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:25,414
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
499
00:21:25,414 --> 00:21:27,895
I sure am losin' my touch.
500
00:21:27,895 --> 00:21:30,985
Last war, could've talked youdown to a can of Spam.
501
00:21:33,117 --> 00:21:34,467
And a can of Spam!
502
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:39,298
Thought I told you boysto unload that wet elephant.
503
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,996
Oh, done, Colonel.We just closed escrow.
504
00:21:41,996 --> 00:21:43,998
Oh, yeah?
What'd you get for it?
505
00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:45,652
-Uh, some ice cream for Radar.-Oh.
506
00:21:45,652 --> 00:21:47,088
Five gallonsfor each tonsil.
507
00:21:47,088 --> 00:21:49,090
Hot diggity!
I'm proud of you.
508
00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:51,788
That was not only obedientbut damn nice.
509
00:21:51,788 --> 00:21:55,488
Hot! Hot! Hot!
510
00:21:55,488 --> 00:21:58,317
I can't stand it anymore!
511
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:01,320
I can't stand it anymore!
512
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,975
Gangway!
513
00:22:12,635 --> 00:22:14,724
He jumped in with me!
514
00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:16,726
Oh, it's a crying shame.
515
00:22:16,726 --> 00:22:18,728
He only had
an hour to go.
516
00:22:25,953 --> 00:22:27,737
Oh, Radar?
Don't get up now.
517
00:22:27,737 --> 00:22:29,391
If Lois Lane willexcuse you for a minute,
518
00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:31,045
there's somethingwe'd like to show you.
519
00:22:31,045 --> 00:22:32,568
What's up?
520
00:22:32,568 --> 00:22:33,917
A wave of the hand,a flick of the wrist,
521
00:22:33,917 --> 00:22:35,832
and a hearty "Hi-ho, Silver!"
522
00:22:35,832 --> 00:22:38,661
Type one each, ice cream.Strawberry. Delicious.
523
00:22:38,661 --> 00:22:41,229
Holy cow,
that's real ice cream.
How'd you do it?
524
00:22:41,229 --> 00:22:43,057
Well, let's just sayyou'll never have to worry
525
00:22:43,057 --> 00:22:44,363
about taking a bath again.
526
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:47,191
Oh, boy,
you guys are real pals.
527
00:22:47,191 --> 00:22:48,497
You better get started.
528
00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:50,020
You've got a lot
of ice cream to eat.
529
00:22:50,020 --> 00:22:54,198
-Dive in, Radar.
-Here goes.
530
00:22:54,198 --> 00:22:57,288
We know you got
the ice cream! Come on!
531
00:23:00,204 --> 00:23:02,729
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
532
00:23:02,729 --> 00:23:04,034
How about it, Radar?
533
00:23:05,209 --> 00:23:06,950
The scoops are on me.
534
00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:09,170
All right, line forms here,
535
00:23:09,170 --> 00:23:11,215
one at a time, single file.
536
00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:13,348
Me first.I gotta gain some weight.
537
00:23:21,878 --> 00:23:24,794
-Come in. It's
too hot to get up.
538
00:23:26,361 --> 00:23:28,711
-Major Houlihan---I take it back! Get out!
539
00:23:28,711 --> 00:23:29,973
I'm here with
a peace offering.
540
00:23:29,973 --> 00:23:31,366
I'd like to ask
your forgiveness
541
00:23:31,366 --> 00:23:32,759
for my unforgivable behavior
542
00:23:32,759 --> 00:23:34,761
when I interruptedyour bath this afternoon
543
00:23:34,761 --> 00:23:36,371
in spite of the fact
that, at the time,
544
00:23:36,371 --> 00:23:37,981
I was half-crazed
with heat prostration.
545
00:23:37,981 --> 00:23:40,157
-You certainly were.
-Please let me finish.
546
00:23:40,157 --> 00:23:42,333
There was no excusefor my jumping in with you
547
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:43,987
in the state of undress
that you were in.
548
00:23:43,987 --> 00:23:45,380
Apology accepted.
Give me the ice cream.
549
00:23:45,380 --> 00:23:46,947
Enjoy it
in good health, ma'am.
550
00:23:46,947 --> 00:23:48,514
And once again, I'm sorryfor barging in on you--
551
00:23:48,514 --> 00:23:49,863
You already said that.
552
00:23:49,863 --> 00:23:52,648
Good night, Major.
Oh, by the way,
553
00:23:52,648 --> 00:23:54,650
are you doing anything
Saturday night?
41030
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