Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: From Movietone News cameramen

advancing with United Nations troops,

come these films of actual frontline fighting.

The harsh, grim realism of war

as the medical corps fights for every life

bringing helicopters right to the battlefront,

returning the wounded to nearby surgical units.

Out here, minutes mean lives.

Lori, check the temperature on that chest wound.

Good evening. This is Korea,October 9, 1952.

I'm Clete Roberts,

and I'm speaking to youfrom the recovery room

of the 4077th Mobile ArmySurgical Hospital-- a MASH.

The fighting began out heremore than two years ago,

and in spite of the ongoing peace talks,

an end seems nowhere in sight.

This isn't the first time

we've been to this particular unit,

but we've returned becauseits record of efficiency,

and the peoplewho make that record,

are a truly unique story.

Doctor?

Doctor, could I, uh, bother you a moment?

Yeah, uh, justhold on a second.

Set up a tray for me tomorrow,

and I'll removethe sutures, okay?

-Yes.-As a practicing surgeon

how do you cope with these unusual circumstances?

Well, usually I just,uh, turn my mind off

and hope it'll all go away.

That, uh, doesn't, uh,seem to work, though,

so most times you just, uh,

do your job and try to forget

that there's a war going onoutside the window.

-Give me a towel!

Somebody put a blanket over that window!

Keep calm, everybody.

This can't go onmuch more than forever.

I'm telling you we're being shelled!

Do you hear me? It's beengoing on for half an hour!

Impossible. My latestintelligence map shows

there are no enemy unitsin your sector.

You are not being shelled,young man.

If you don't believe me,listen for yourself.

Did ya-- Did-- Did ya--

Hello? Hello?

I've seen the casualty reports,

and the number of woundedmen that pass through here

is staggering.

Yeah, we've got enoughclientele here

to open a hospital.

Makes for somelong sessions in O.R.

I've seen surgeons so tired,

they almost fell asleepon their patients.

-Time? -About 0100.

0100? I workedaround the clock!

Sure beats working around here.

I'm so bushed I can'tremember my last patient.

-He had quintuplets. -Oh, yeah.

How many more out there?

MARGARET: I counted 19 when I came in.

19? There were 19two hours ago.

HAWKEYE: They restock theshelves when they run out.

How long we been at this?

-I started surgery in 1932. -I mean this session.

So do I.

Maybe we should charge them piecework.

We can't. This is war.

By the way, which war is this?

The latest war to end all wars.

-Rough, huh? -Plenty.

-Want a puff? -Thanks.

I'm taking 10 minutes.

I'm on 10 minutes.

Between us, we got20 minutes. Let's go.

CLETE: What's your most difficult problem here?

Well, uh, for me, the toughest

is getting used todoing things the army way.

You see, back home in Toledo,

when we needed something, we just stole it.

Borrowed it.

You know, back in Iowa,if you wanted somethin',

all you had to do was ask for it.

But, I mean, wow. Over here, they got,

uh, paperwork and requisitionsfor everything.

Okay, sir, uh, you sign this top form,

then initial all the rest.

-Initial, Radar? -Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, your initials signify that, instead of signing, you initialed.

Uh, then, uh, you have to sign this form

which states that you merely initialed the forms that required signing.

Uh, then, after you've signed,

you put your initial where you signed

so that people will know thatyou okayed your signaturewith your initial.

Radar, tell me the truth.

Do you understand any of this?

Uh, I try not to, sir. It slows up the work.

The business at hand is an incubator--

that is, if my lieutenant understood

what your colonel said you captains want.

Right.

And we need oneas soon as possible.

Inhalator, indicator,inoculator, infuselator.

Here it is. 437/R2, incubator.

Thar she blows!

"A device for developing bacterial cultures

at constant, suitable temperatures."

Uh-huh. I see.

That certainly makes sense.

You can't have one.

Beg your pardon?

I checked your B.E.L. Basic Equipment List?

This unit has everythingit's supposed to have.

You're not entitled to an incubator.

That would be a-- a luxury.

Luxury?

We're not asking for a jukebox

or a pizza oven.

Those I can let you have.

BLAKE: No kidding.

Hey, those would be greaton movie nights.

Uh, you got anypizza requisition forms?

Uh, just use the standard S1798

and write in "pizza"where it says "machine gun."

What do you miss the most?

Well, just offhandI'd say, uh, uh

a mattressthicker than a matzo...

my own bathroomwith a combination lock...

any woman out of any uniform...

and the entire state of Maine.

Well, I miss playing spoons with my wife.

Playing spoons? I don't understand.

-You mean music? -No.

You cuddle up togetherlike two spoons in a drawer.

Wait a minute.That's a little personal.

Maybe you shouldn't use it.

Whatever you say.

Aw, what the hell.

I'm sure there are plentyof people back home

who do the same thing.

Father, what do you miss the most?

Well, let's see.

I think, a chapel that didn't double as a mess tent.

You see, I'm very fond of stained glass.

What do I miss the most?

My very own room.

Sir, do you mindif we close those doors?

Don't be antisocial, Radar.

Would you mindturning your head, please.

Radar, I'm a doctor. I've seen more behinds than you'll ever have.

Uh, gee, I don't thinkit's too much to ask...

for one guy to ask another guyto turn his head.

Your modesty is almost indecent.

Well, if you're a doctorlike you say...

then you don't need to seeany more than you've seen.

Go ahead. Get sore.I love it when those little...

wisps of steam come out of your tiny ears.

Excuse, please, mister.

Sir?

There's a lady out there.

You'll have to excusethe way I look.

I haven't seen a beautyparlor since Tokyo.

Oh, you-- you look just fine.

Oh, thank you.

What was the question?

What do you miss the most around here?

Around here?

Well, frankly,

I'd have to say a senseof order and discipline.

I think you'll all agree

that, by trying to introducemore discipline, more order,

I have hopefully made this

a more enjoyable war for all of us.

Fire ceremonial salute.

But, sir, the angle--

Fire the salute, Private!

Yes, sir.

You! Ooh!

Well, one thing I missis my wife's cooking.

What am I saying?Anybody's cooking.

I got it. Smell this.

Come on.Don't start with me.

-I know what it smells like.-I mean it.

I can't eatif you do that.

Just take a sniff.

If you took a raw egg

and buried it in a shoe under a chicken coop.

I told you not to do that.How am I gonna eat this stuff?

Am I right? But a brown egg.

-A brown egg, right? -Will you shut up?

-Creamed corn? -Thank you.

And for the entree today--

-Here it comes. -Steady.

We have liver or fish.

I didn't hear you say that.

Because it isn't possible.

It's inhuman to servethe same food day after day.

The Geneva convention prohibitsthe killing of our taste buds.

Easy.

I simply cannot eatthe same food every day.

Fish, liver! Day after day!

I've eaten a river of liverand an ocean of fish!

I've eaten so much fish,I'm ready to grow gills.

I've eaten so much liver,I can only make love

if I'm smotheredin bacon and onions.

Are we gonna stand for this?

Are we gonna let them do this to us?

No, I say! No!

We're not gonna eat this dreck anymore!

We want something else! We want something else!

We want something else!

We want something else!

Draftees of the world arise!

You have nothingto lose but your cookies!

We want something else!

We want something else!

We want something else!

We want something else!

We want something else!

We want something else!

Ah-ahh-ahh!

Our foreign policyis not a political issue.

It is a matter of life and death.

It is a matterof the future of mankind.

You will find thatnot one cent of $18,000

or anybody else from a constituent

went into my personal pocket.

It never has, and itnever will in the future.

I shall go to Korea.

To rephrase an old adage,

war, like politics,makes strange bedfellows.

The 4077th is a highly diverse,

if not disparate, group of people.

And yet the war seems to havemolded them into a family.

I would say,all things considered,

and without overstating it,

they're just about--

No, forget "just about."

They're the bestbunch of people

I've ever worked within my whole life.

Oh, my--

It's a horse, sir.

Here's the keys.

A beautiful horse.

I don't know what to say, Radar.

Pretty nice, Radar.

At least I'll get to take care of him.

RADAR:Sorry about that, sir.

That's disgusting!

Son, to me,

that's a tiptoe through the tulips.

When you share the horrorthat we do day in and day out,

you don't just feel close,you cling to each other.

I hate the damn army,but I love these people.

The way people come and go around here.

You know, you justget to know one person,

and he leaves, and then there's another person.

Uh, was it something I said?

I'm gonna grab a jeep,

drive to Seoul,and catch the first plane home.

Right after they shoot you for desertion,

you'll get a ticket for drunk driving.

I gotta see my daughters.

Do you know how long it's beensince I made love to my wife?

At least one daughter ago.

Trap, leaving a war in the middle

is very upsetting to those who invited us.

Hey, listen. I don't likea movie, I get up and leave.

I don't like the war,I'm going.

Aw, come on, Trap.

You gotta stick around and see how it ends.

Oh, but it doesn't end.It's continuous.

When it finishes here,they take it on the road.

See ya in the funny papers.

-Trap.-Hey, Hawk, out of the way.

I don't want to use violence.

Then I will.

Well, you have to understand,I'm regular army.

Most of them are not.

They're a terribly unrulyand undisciplined bunch,

and I thank God for eachand every one of them

when those casualtiesroll in.

You get close to everybodyin a place like this.

Some more than others, of course.

Uh, my bunkmatefor instance, B.J. Hunnicutt.

Uh, clean-cut, family man, even temperament.

In spite of that, I really like the guy.

Tell me, who's the most devoted family man in the world?

Mickey Rooney.

Who gets an A in fidelity?

-RCA Victor. -No. You, both times.

Oh.

So how come she turns down a date with Dr. Jekyll

to go work in the lab with Mr. Hyde?

She's helping mewith some cases.

I could use a little of that kind of help myself.

Hawk--

Are you sure there's nothing going on

-between you two kids? -Honest.

A little hanky-panky after taps?

I'm happily married!

Oh, yeah?

I'm hopelessly, passionatelyin love with my wife.

What's wrong with that?

I don't want to mess that up.

I feel like I've betrayed her.

We're still human beings,you know,

no matter how hardwe try not to be.

Yes, I know, and I'm still afraid.

Of what?

Of you.

Because you're right here.

And you're so attractiveand so close.

And so vulnerable.

Yes.

We can be friends.

Okay.

Let's go back to work, friend.

And then, of course,

there's Major Winchester,our newest arrival.

Someone should saysomething nice about him.

Uh...

H-He's a very good doctor.

What's so great about him?

I do one thing at a time,

I do it very well, and then I move on.

Gentlemen, please,

pay close attentionto this bowel resection.

I don't want to haveto show it to you twice.

I'm not gonna playsecond scalpel

to this garbanzo forthe rest of the war.

Why don't we avoid the Christmas rush

and start hating him now?

Sir, I have been here interminably.

Time flies whenyou've got good duty.

This meatball surgery of yours

is causing my skills to deteriorate!

They're wasting away.

Don't change the color of your face!

I'm out of umber!

And I'm out of patience!

This place is driving me mad!

I've had enough of your beefing!

I need you here, and you'llstay here like the rest of us.

Here. Your face is finished.

You can cut me offfrom the civilized world.

You can incarcerate mewith two moronic cell mates.

You can torture mewith your thrice-daily swill.

But you cannot breakthe spirit of a Winchester.

My voice shall be heard from this wilderness

and I shall be delivered

from this fetid and festering sewer.

I think he's gettingthe hang of this place.

Tell me something about the people here.

No, I don't want to getinto personalities, uh, here.

However,there are some people

that I will tryvery hard to forget.

Of course,I know I never shall.

One in particularwho is, you might say,

well, let's start with immature,self-righteous, arrogant,

everything I abhor.

For the record,

the only thing that makes himmarginally acceptable

is his skill as a surgeon.

Of course, even in therehis conduct is insufferable.

Good evening, ladies and germs.

I'm sorry I'm late, but my watch stopped.

It had to. It's been running fast all week.

Is this the first time you've been pregnant?

Nurse! Nurse!

Did you call me, Doctor?

Why should I call youDoctor? I'm the surgeon.

I will not carry a gun, Frank.

When I got into this war,

I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon:

no guns.

I'll carry your books,

I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune.

I'll carry on,carry over, carry forward,

Cary Grant, cash-and-carry,"Carry Me Back to Old Virginia,"

I'll even hara-kiri if you show me how,

but I will not carry a gun.

Boy, you reallyare a sicko! Mental.

Wouldn't you be,Lieutenant Nightingale?

It goes against my training to say

"Take two aspirinand go get yourself killed."

What would Hippocrates say? What would Socrates say?

And what would you say if I asked you

if you wanted to go into the linen closet

for several minutes of heavy breathing?

-Are you gonna knock it off?-Nurse.

Pull down my mask.

-Frank? -Hmm?

Thank you.

Our head nurse is really something.

Uh, Major Houlihan. Margaret.

Did I mentionshe's really something?

Major Houlihan.

Sir!

-Chief Nurse. -Yes, sir.

-Ten years, spotless record.-Thank you, sir.

Major Frank Burns.

Just friends, sir.

Flare your nostrils for me, Frank.

I get so excited when you flare them.

Margaret, I get so excitedwhen you say "excited."

Funny thing, war.

Never have so manysuffered so much

so so few could be so happy.

Frank, we're so lucky

to be two of the few and not the many.

I know, darling,and I love being both of us.

Oh, Frank,

you're so above average.

Frank, be honest.

You really think of me asa bag of desirable bones.

Oh, of course, Margaret.

I have a mind, Frank.

A mind and a brain.

Of course you do.

Let me kiss your brain.

Frank, leave.

Take your face and--

your married face and get out!

Avec plaisir, Miss Snake-in-the-Grass!

Oh! You should talk,you two-timing four-flusher!

-Oh, Frank! -Oh, Margaret!

Did I mentionshe's really something?

-You do me. -Roll up your sleeve.

-Uh-uh.-What do you mean, "Uh-uh"?

I want mine in my tushy.

-Your what? -Derriere!

The back of my front. The fleshy part.

Sir--

Excuse me. I'm sorry!

Aaah!

Margaret, that was fantastic!

Let's get it over with.

My sentiments exactly.

Let us not dawdle overa moment like this.

Let us treat itas a professionalencounter of the most--

Oh, Margaret, may Ipause on this occasion

-to express a few thoughts?-If you say one word--

Oh, I wouldn't.I wouldn't. Not a word.

But if I did, that wordwould be "magnificent."

Would that be bad?

Will you please give me the shot!

Okay, okay.

Stop it! Stop it!

You don't know whether we're Americans

or Chinese or Koreans!

Margaret, come here.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid.

Me too. So am I.

I don't like being afraid. It scares me.

Me too. I'd feel a lot braverif I weren't so scared.

-Please hold me. -I'm holding you.

I can't feel it. Hold me. Hold me.

Margaret, I'm holding you.

Will you cut it out!You want to kill us?

-For crying out loud, cut it out! -Stop it. Stop it!

-Stop it! Just leave us alone!-Will you cut it out!

You know all those rottenthings I've said to you?

All those nasty littletricks I played on you?

Yes.

I'd like to get welland do them all over again.

Lori, check the temperature on that chest wound.

This is just the beginningof autumn in Korea,

and already there'sa real chill in the air.

Before winter even arrives,

the temperature will dip below zero,

and all that after a summerof unbearable heat.

If you were going to hold a war,

this is probably the mostbrutal climate on Earth

in which to do it.

Uh, Commanding officer--

-Commanding officer. -Quartermaster corps.

Quartermaster corps.

-Uh, sir... -Sir, Seoul, sir.

Seoul, sir. right.

Uh, I gratefullyacknowledge the receipt

of your latest shipmentof supplies to our unit.

Shipment of supplies to our unit.

The mosquito nettingand the summer underwear

were very much appreciated.

I am wearing so many pairof cotton drawers,

my thighs don't knoweach other anymore.

Thighs don't know each other anymore.

Don't tell himabout my thighs, Corp.

-What's the matter with you?-I'm sorry.

-Blow in my ear. -What?

I'm so cold, I thinkmy pilot's gone out.

MAN : Attention.

Due to shortage of oil and wood,

tonight's movie will be burned at 1800 hours.

Where did you get that wood, soldier?

My sister sent it to me, sir.

Oh.

You're five miles from the front

on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week,

and the O.R. sessions

must be a source of great tension.

What do you do to relax?

Relax?

You do get a chance to relax, don't you?

For relaxation, I collapse.

I like to stay in shape,

so I drink a lot.

That's, uh... that'sthe really big sport here.

Poker. I know that maysound very strange,

but poker relaxes me.

There's nothing more satisfying

than shearing the flock,as it were.

Of course, it allgoes to the orphans.

Well, almost all of it.

Music is my sanctuary--classical.

It reminds methat there is still

some grace and cultureleft in the world.

Oh, in general, I'd saywith a lot of horseplay--

taking out your frustrationson other people.

You know,good, clean, American fun.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Frank, I'm glad you got here.

You want to hear something really wild?

Come here.

Ohh!

I don't want to lie to you.

I've established some wonderfultemporary relationships

with a lot of the nurses here.

I like to think of myself

as a social directorof the heart.

Hawkeye?

Hmm?

Tell me the truth.

Do you respect me?

Do I respect the flag,apple pie, hamburgers?

The loyalty of a fine dog?

That's all I wanted to know.

What am I doing?

What am I doing? What am I doing?

Whatever it is, I approve.

You're married, madam.

You're a married madam. Why don't I go away?

Hawkeye,I am not married.

-You're not married? -Never have been.

Move over, Lieutenant.

Does every new nursefall in love with you here?

No, only the ones with taste.

Do you think I have any?

I don't know. Let me taste you.

Hawkeye, that make me crazy.

My lips were made by Stradivarius.

Sickening.

Animals.

Animals.

What do you do to relax around here?

Relax? I don't dare.If I do,

somebody will thinkI like it here.

Are you a guy

or a hairy broadwith a deep voice?

I'm all man, Clyde.

-The clothes are a dodge.-A what?

If I keep wearing women's clothes,

maybe they'll give me a Section 8

and send me home.

How long you been at this?

Two years April 22.

Klinger, you've askedfor my advice.

Now, I realize how badlyyou want out of the army--

Yes, sir.

It's, uh,my considered opinion

that no one's going to believethat you're pregnant.

Colonel Potter, sir!

Corporal Klinger.

I'm Section 8, head to toe.

I'm wearing a Warner bra.

I play with dolls.

My last wish is to be buried

in my mother's wedding gown.

I'm nuts. I should be out.

Horse hockey.

-Klinger! -Sir!

How dare you wearthat hat while in uniform?

It's spring, sir.

POTTER: Now what?

Caught this manwalking into the stream

seven miles down the road, Colonel.

I would have made it if they hadn't nailed me.

I had it all figured--

downstream to the Inchon river

then out to the Sea of Japan,

and then to the Golden Gate!

You'd have drowned.

No chance, sir!

Oh! Aah! Oh, boy!

Got this in mail call today, sir.

What is it?

A letter from my mother.

"Dear son"--

You obviously haven'tsent her a recent picture.

"I hate to bother you in the middle of a war,

"but I have some terrible news.

Your father is very sick."

"We know your colonel has a good heart,

"and surely he'll let you come home

"for your father's funeral

or his 65th birthday, whichever comes first."

Uh-huh.

Here we go.

Father dying, right?

Yes, sir.

"Father dying" last year.

"Mother dying" last year.

"Mother andfather dying."

"Mother, father,and older sister dying."

"Mother dyingand older sister pregnant."

Here's an oldie but a goodie.

"Half of the family dying,other half pregnant."

Klinger, aren't youashamed of yourself?

Yes, sir.

I don't deserve to be in the army.

He's the only sane one here.

It's the rest of usthat are crazy.

None of us wants to be here.

I don't want to be here.

Radar doesn't want to be here.

The doctors, the nurses,

certainly the wounded don't want to be here.

But we've got to do our best.

People who don'thave a stomach for thisdon't belong here.

You're right. Let's all go home.

Colonel, I am requesting

that you officially and formally

approve my transfer.

Mother and Dad,I will put this as eloquently

and succinctly as possible.

Get me the hell out of here!

♪ A chaplain in the army has a collar on his neck ♪

♪ If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck ♪

♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I want to go home ♪

♪ Oh, the surgeons in the army, they say we're mighty bright ♪

♪ We work on soldiers through the day ♪

♪ And nurses through the night ♪

♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I want to go home ♪

♪ Oh, some guys like the army, I think that it's a mess ♪

♪ If it's so damn terrific, how come I wear a dress? ♪

♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I want to go

♪ But they won't let me go

♪ Gee, Mom, I want to go home ♪

ANNOUNCER: More men and more equipment

continue to pour into war-torn Korea--

a grim reminder

that the conflict now grinding into its third year

is far from over.

Battle-weary foot soldiers

trudge through the ravaged countryside,

reluctant witnesses to the awesome devastation.

How has being a part of all this, the war,

changed you?

I'm very impressed now with the...

terrible fragility of the human body

and the, uh...

the unbelievable resiliencyof the human spirit.

And it's made me...

very, very angry.

It's allowed meto work fairly closely

without becoming contaminated

with people of vastlydivergent points of view.

I've learned more about myself

and how much I really care about people.

Let's face it, Major-- you don't trust us.

And do you trust me?You act like I'm the enemy.

All right. If I had asked your permission last night,

what would you have done?

I would have said no.

See?

Not because it'sagainst regulations,

but because of the rottenway you've treated me.

The way we've treated you?

What are you talking about?

Did you ever show meany kind of friendship?

Ask my helpwith a personal problem?

Include me in one of your little bull sessions?

Can you imaginewhat it feels like to...

to walk by this tent and hear you laughing

and know I-I'm not welcome?

Did you ever once ever offer mea lousy cup of coffee?

We didn't think you'd accept.

Well, you were wrong.

Um, I feel as oldas I'm ever going to get.

Older than I everintended to be.

And I...really can'twait to go home.

When this is over,

when there's no more reasonfor you to be here,

what memories will you take home with you?

That's easy.

The face of every kidwho's come through here.

But there must be other things you will recall.

I don't know. I don't thinkthat you remember the bad stuff

as much as you think you will.

I think, uh, I think I'll neverforget the day I go home.

At the moment,I can't imagine it.

No memories.I blot it out as it happens.

The people here at MASH.

They're like family.

No, they are family.

Yes.

Family.

The little Korean children.

Their smilesamidst all this despair.

All the good times.

That's what I'll remember.

I think there were three.

What these young people have--their dedication

their devotion, almost,their high spirits--

has rubbed off on me.

I feel ten years younger.I'm a better doctor,

and most important,I'm a better human being

and I don't have to remember that.

It's part of me.

One day.

One very bad day.

-Colonel? -Yo.

Do you know what I foundin this morning's mail?

Now, that's a tough one.

Hum a few bars.

You're going home.

I'm going home?

You got all your points. They're discharging you.

Discharged?

Tokyo, San Francisco, then home.

I'm going home.

I'm discharged.

I'm going-- I'm going home!

Company, ten-hut!

Take it easy, will you, Frank?

And, uh, stuff that whistle someplace.

Does the colonel wishto review his troops?

No, I just want to say good-bye.

Well, okay.

So long, Hawk.

I'm afraid just a handshakewon't do it, Henry.

Henry, that, uh,that suit is really you.

HAWKEYE:If you're Adolphe Menjou.

Gwen.

Klinger, that outfit

might just get you that Section 8.

I made it justfor this occasion, sir.

Well, uh, so long, everybody.

So long and, uh, good luck.

-Henry. -Huh?

You think I should?

Why not?

Yeah. Why not?

-HAWKEYE: Wow!

-Woo-woo! -Woo!

She's all yours, Frank.

Have a good trip.

Take it easy, pal.

You behave yourself,or I'm gonna come backand kick your butt.

Yes, sir.

TRAPPER:Radar, put a mask on.

If that's my discharge,give it to me straight.

I can take it.

I have a message.

Lieutenant Colonel... Henry Blake's plane...

was shot down over the Sea of Japan.

It spun in.

There were no survivors.

There's people here that suffer every day.

And, uh... I don't reallywant to talk about this.

When the doctors cut into a patient,

and it's cold, you know,

the way it is now today,

steam rises from the body.

And the doctor will--

will warm himself over the open wound.

Could anyone look on thatand not feel changed?

HAWKEYE: The wounded keep coming and coming.

The common denominator is blood.

It's all red, and there's an awful lot of it

leaking out around here.

I just don't know whythey're shooting at us.

All we want to do

is bring them democracyand white bread.

Transplant the American dream--

freedom, achievement, hyperacidity,

affluence, flatulence, technology, tension,

the inalienable right to an early coronary

sitting at your desk

while plotting to stab your boss in the back.

That's entertainment.

Hear you had to leavethe O.R. this morning.

That's right, I did.

Somebody said you hadto go outside and throw up.

That's right.

How come?

Well, I've always wanted to barf on Uijongbu,

and I just thought the time was ripe.

Wouldn't be anything else,would it?

No, unless it was the fact that most of my blood

came out of a scotch bottle.

I wouldn't know about that.I'm not a doctor.

But I am, so I'm not allowed to be human. Is that it?

You walked out on a patient,

and Major Winchesterhad to finish for you.

So? I'd have done the same for him if he was sick.

Well, a lot of peopledon't look at it

like you were sick, Hawkeye.

A lot of peoplelook up to you here.

They admire you,

and they kind of feel likethey want to be like you.

And gee, when you walk outon an operation,

they kind of feellike you let them down.

If they can't depend on you,well, they figure, well,

maybe there's no pointin depending on anything.

Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders.

Don't you know how much this place stinks?

Don't you know what it's like

to stand, day after day, in blood?

In the blood of children?

I hate this place,

and if I can't stand upto it to your satisfaction,

then the hell with it.

How dare you?

The hell with your Iowa naiveté,

and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear,

and while you're at it, to hell with you.

Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud?

I'm not here for you to admire.

I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder,

if possible without going crazy,period.

Wounded.

Klinger says a lot.

I don't care.

I really don't.

They'll keep comingwhether I'm here or not.

Trapper went home. They're still coming.

Henry got killed,and they're still coming.

Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.

Are you serious?

Dead serious.

I've watched guys diealmost every day.

Why didn't I evercry for them?

Because you're a doctor.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know.

If I had the answer,I'd be at the Mayo Clinic.

Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic?

Look, all I know is what theytaught me at command school:

there are certain rules about a war.

And rule number 1 is young men die,

and rule number 2

is doctors can't change rule number 1.

There's no way to summarize

what you've just seen and heard,

save to say that, God willing,

all these exceptional peoplewill be going home one day.

Let us hope that neitherthey nor any others

will ever have to assemblefor such a purpose again.

Good night.