Original subtitles

MAN : Attention. Attention, all personnel.

Colonel Lillian Rayburn, Eighth Army head nurse,

will arrive at 1800 today.

This is a full-scale inspection, gals,

so grab your hose and powder your nose.

Hey, that's not what I wrote! Come on!

Just say them like I give them to you.

Powder your noseand grab your hose?

That's pretty funny, Radar.

Uh-huh. Thanks a lot.

Afternoon, Corporal. Where do we find your C.O.?

He's in his office,

but I don't think he wants to be disturbed.

Corporal,would you tell him

that Colonel LillianRayburn is here?

Colonel Rayburn?

It's only noon--I mean 1200 hours.

You're not supposed to beyou for 600 hours yet.

Well, take it from me. I'm me.

Oh, gee, I'm alwaysthe last to know.

Look,I printed this stuff up.

I got inkall over my clothes,

my hands, my glasses,and everything.

Things get rough up here, do they?

Oh, you don't knowthe half of it.

Do you know that a guycame in yes--

Excuse me, ma'am.

The colonel's officeis right this way.

If you follow me,I'll get you there from here.

A toast to us.

To us.

Colonel Potter,Colonel Lillian Rayburn.

-Good gravy! -To say the least.

I hope I haven't interrupted something.

It's okay. We were just having our livers removed.

Well, I'll chip in mine.Who am I drinking with?

Colonel Sherman Potter,Captain Hawkeye Pierce--

At the bottle.

-Captain B.J. Hunnicutt.-At the ready.

What does the B.J.stand for?

Anything you want.

I'll get back to you.

General Rivert sends his best.

No kidding. Bill Rivert?You know Bill Rivert?

I haven't heardthat name in years.

How is old yellow teeth?

Dark brown by now.

That guy could spittobacco juice 20 yards.

That's how heused to picked volunteers.

What does B.J.stand for?

-I remember he had a son---Anything you want.

-Don? -Dan.

You can tell me. I'm your friend.

Bill ever get himinto West Point?

-Is it some family secret?-He tried.

How old's the boy now?

You're getting verymysterious on me.

-What? -What's the problem?

Wait a minute, guys.

See those big, wooden thingswith hinges on over there?

Shut themon your way out.

Nice meeting you, Colonel.

If you're ever by the Swamp, fall in.

If I find out his name,I'll introduce you.

Why can't you tell me? I'm your best friend.

What is it, some kind of a secret or something?

Colonel Potter, I knowwhat a pain in the butt

visiting brass can be,

but this is my first tour of Korea,

and I'd like to see it all.

I admire your salt.You just follow me around.

I'll show youthe whole enchilada.

I've assigned you to the V.I.P. tent, ma'am.

Well, thank you, Corporal.

It's right next to the latrine.

That can come in handyin the middle of the night.

The lady's been around,Radar.

Oh, right. Shall I show the colonel

to the colonel's tent, Colonel?

I'll do it. You can startby taking her gear over.

Oh, yes, sir.

There's a welcome basket in your tent--

some canned fruit and fly paper.

Well, ready forthe nickel tour?

After you.

Uh, mighty nice shoes,

but from here on, you better wear boots.

We get a lot of livestockthrough here.

-Colonel.-Ah, yes. Colonel Rayburn,

this is Major Margaret Houlihan,our chief surgical nurse.

Colonel, on behalf of the entire nursing staff,

which I command and which I am delighted to be in charge of,

how pleased we are to welcome you to the 4077th.

Well, thank you, Major.

Thank you, ma'am.

With the colonel's permission,

I've scheduled a general inspection

at 2100 hours,

and then a meeting with the senior nursing staff.

-And then tomorrow-- -Whoa, Major.

That's a lot of pomp for these circumstances.

With all due respect, sir,

Colonel Rayburn is hereto inspect mynurses.

Well, I thought I'ddo that while they work.

It saves all that saluting.

Of course. That was my alternate selection.

Choppers, Colonels. Loaded.

Okay, let's startwhere we earn our keep.

Should I cancelthe close orderdrill, Major?

Shut up.

You really know your wayaround a kidney, Sherman.

Well, I've taken this route many a time.

Ahh.

CHARLES: Retractor.

Retractor.

Keep moving, Fowler.

Everything runs like clockwork

around here, Colonel.

-Nurse, wind me up. -CHARLES: Sponge.

Sponge there.

Kellye, keep this aisle clear.

Your Major Houlihanis a real hot patootie.

She's a spanking good nurse,

but your being here hasgiven her the fidgets.

Margaret, would youmove that machine

back where I had it?

Colonel Rayburn,I'm sure you'll agree

that my nurses stack upagainst anybody's.

Anybody but me.

Father, would you movethat machine over here?

-Why, certainly. -I've got it, Father.

Always a bridesmaid.

Are you trying to make me look bad

in front of Colonel Rayburn?

Keep going.You don't need my help.

So how long have you been in this racket, Lil?

22 years.

Ah, you're just a baby.

-You I like.

That must be some awful name you're hiding

if you won't even tell your best friend.

Huh. You're such a nudge.

It's "noodge."

There, I told you something.

Now you tell me something.

No use. I won't "boodge."

You're embarrassed, right?

Yeah, that's it. All right. I know, I know.

Look, I'll tell you an embarrassing story about myself,

and that'll put you at ease, won't it?

Okay, when I was 14,

my father caught me smoking in bed.

Boy, was he angry.

Turned red as a beet.

Come to think of it, sodid the girl I was with.

Ha ha.

Pretty hot stuff, huh?

All right, what does B.J. stand for, huh?

Who cares?

Pierce, must we endure

these endless stories of your dismal puberty?

Oh, sure, Charles,make me look bad in frontof Colonel Rayburn.

Can we concentrate on surgery, please?

Is it always like this?

Don't mind them.

They love to show off in front of company.

Okay, okay. You want to heara really embarrassing story?

This is a biggie.

Sucked my thumb till I was 26.

Stop it. Will youstop it already?

I gave it up for bed-wetting.

Hunnicutt, B.J.,Captain, U.S. Army.

Okay, okay, okay. What if I guess it?

Fine.

Oh, goodie, goodie, okay. Uh, B.J.

Uh, Belvedere Jehosaphat.

Got it first try.

Don't lie to me.

I'd call you names if you had any.

Attention. Prepare forinspection by Colonel--

-Radar. -Sorry. Excuse me.

-You're blocking the way.-I'm sorry, ma'am.

Ah, Colonel, I see you've stumbled

into our enchanted little post-op.

Sorry you couldn't make it in the spring

when the fractures are in bloom.

How many wounded would you sayget through here in a week?

It's difficult to think of this place

in terms of days and weeks.

Simple for me.One week equals one shift.

In other words,big business.

-Too big. -Yeah.

Was your mother Spanish?

No, why?

That eliminates Benito Juarez.

After we're done here,I'll show you the pharmacy.

Uh, Colonel, I could do that

if you want to get back to your desk

and get done the workyou should have got done, sir.

Message received, son. No reply.

Colonel, you got a lot of work--

Radar, why don't you pull the duty logs

for oh, say, the last six months

just in case Colonel Rayburnwants to take a gander?

Yes, sir.

My uncle Ed used to give me a quarter

to go to the movies.

-What? -I'm going.

Look at that boy.

He belongs in a playground,not a hospital.

You know, as much as I hate O.R., this room is worse.

Why?

In there, you only look at the wounds.

In here, you see the faces.

-Radar, you busy? -Yes.

You're evading the question.

Where do you keep the personnel files?

Back there.

Thank you.

Second drawer on the right.

Oh, you're too kind.

Let's see, H after G,except in the army.

Hunnicutt, Hunnicutt.

I can't find Hunnicutt.

Officers in front, enlisted in the back.

How come you'rein the front?

Because I do the filing.

Radar, whatever happenedto that sweet, adorable you?

None of your beeswax.

There. That's better.

Something's bothering me.

No.

Here. Lie down in this drawerand tell me all about it.

Okay, I'm sorry. What is it?

Some people just don't act like some people

when other people show up.

Aha! Now we're makingsome progress.

Why don't youfill me in some more

while you're looking upHunnicutt's file?

Making a fuss over her,

calling her Lil and everything.

Oh, Colonel some people.

Yeah, he's a married man. He's got grandchildren.

-Are you serious?-Of course I'm serious.

He's taking her to show herthe laundry, isn't he?

He never goes there himself.

He's just being polite.

I just don't thinkit happens to look right.

Radar, we're all a long way from home.

Maybe he just wants a little companionship.

That's whathe's got me for.

I mean someone closer tohis own age and hair color.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

-Sure, I am. -What are you doing?

Hey! That's Captain Hunnicutt'sconfidential file.

You can't look at that.

I just want to look oneteeny little thing up.

-Come on. -No. Absolutely not.

It's againstarmy regulations.

For Pete's sakes, you know

Colonel Rayburnis right behind those doors.

What if she'd comein here and caught us?

Okay, I'll marry you.

It's not against regulations

for you to look in there, is it?

No, it's my job.

Okay, just peek in there and find out

what B.J.'s initials stand for.

-B.J. -Baloney!

Here, look.

That creep, he won't even tell the Army!

It's killing me. I've got to find out.

I don't get it.What's the big deal?

He's hiding something from me.

Boy, you think you know a guy.

We live together, we eat together.

We even wear each other's socks.

Why won't he tell me his name?

Do you reallywear his socks?

Come in.

Excuse me, Colonel.

I thought these mightbrighten up the place.

They're not regulation,

but they havea lovely fragrance.

Yes, well, thank you,

but, uh, ahem, I have hay fever.

Right.

Oh, for goodness' sakes!

Why can't they learn howto make a bed around here?

Major, I just turned that down.

-Oh. -Instead of making it,

why don't you sit on it?

Certainly, Colonel.

And how about calling me Lil?

If you don't, we'll never get past the weather.

I just wanted to make sureyou were comfortable...Lil.

You'll get it.

It will be easier as you go along.

I'll keep working on it, Colonel--

Lil.

Well, thank you.

And what do they call you?

Major Houlihan--

Margaret.

Are you married, Margaret?

I was, but he wasn't.

You?

-No. -Never?

Well, not that I didn't have any offers,

but most of them lost interest

when they found out thatmy dowry was a duffel bag.

I know the type.

Well, it's their funeral.

Those fellas missed out ona heck of an exciting ride.

Tell me.Do you have any regrets?

Regrets? Hell, no.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Women like us are lucky, Margaret.

We've seen more of the worldthan most people dream of.

And let's face it.

There's an excitement about our work.

It's exciting

when you help put some kid back together

and then watch him walk out of here.

Oh, I know what you mean.

The only thingI worry about is...

eventually...

what happens when--

When you get to be my age?

Don't you every worryabout ending up alone?

Are you kidding?

I'm gonna have to beat them off with a stick.

What man my age would turn downa nurse with a pension?

And a good-looking nurseat that.

That's something else we've got in common.

Come in while there's still room.

Lil, I've been saving this bottle of scotch,

and I thought we could--save it for some other time.

-Why not now? -It's getting late,

and I have reports to fill out.

No, no, Major. I'll go.You two gals were gabbing.

I just meant to drop offthis bottle--

No, really, we were just finished.

I hope you two don't mind if I stay.

-Good night, Colonel.-See you tomorrow, Colonel.

Lil.

Yes?

I run this place.What am I leaving for?

Now you're talking.

All right, no more guessing.

I'm going to approach this scientifically.

-Tell me, or I'll kill you!-Aah!

You lie! That starts with an H.

Unless you intend to injureyourselves permanently,

I do wish you'd stop that.

I want the names and addresses

of everybody who's ever met you.

Okay, okay.

I'm sending telegrams to anyone

who even suspects what B.J. stands for.

Or cares.

Who was dean of your med school?

-T.R. Miller. -Now cut that out.

Wait. There's more.My favorite comedian,W.C. Fields

favorite author,D.H. Lawrence.

What about S.J. Perelman?

Or T.S. Eliot.

D-R-O-P D-E-D.

What do you thinkof e.e. cummings?

I never liked those little initials.

Hot dang,what a perfect day,

and not a bomb in the sky.

Oh, that's comforting.

Sir, you want me to send offthat letter to Mrs. Potter?

Not till I finish writing it, son.

But you coulddictate it to me, sir.

No, thanks.

Well, wouldthe two colonels like me

to send alonga couple of M.P.s?

This is a picnic, Radar, not a court martial.

Yeah, I know,but you never know

when you're goingto run into snipers.

The ants will get them.Ha ha ha!

Hmm.

Ah, nertz.

Well, I hope the cook packed a tire jack.

No problem. Radar, requisitionanother jeep, pronto.

Oh, gee, I just loanedone to Battalion 8,

and two of themhave bad spark plugs,

and Sergeant Zaletook the other.

-No jeeps. -Gee, I'm sorry.

I guess this means you're goingto have to cancel your picnic.

Couldn't we walk?

Too bad.It's such a nice day.

Jim dandy-dee.

Lil, I like your style.

Radar, hold down the forttill we get back.

Sir, listen, I couldget you a jeep tomorrow.

Sir?

Colonel?

"Couldn't we walk?"

Boy!

What a lousy trick.

Set 'em up, bartender.

Sorry, Major,the bar's not open yet.

What about him?

He's left overfrom last night.

The drinks are on me.

The bar is now open.

And to what do we owethis unprecedented largess?

What?

What put the holein your change purse?

We're celebrating, Klinger.

Ah, the alimony's in.

Nope. it's Independence Day.

Of course. September 10.How could I forget?

Every day isIndependence Day, soldier,

when you know where you're going.

Huh?

Klinger, I'm glad we're alone.

-Oh?-I want to talk to you.

You're trying to get out of here, right?

The thought'scrossed my mind.

Well, you're making a big mistake.

Army life is not such a bad deal.

Women--Soldiers like us

get to see more of this worldthan most people ever dream of.

I've seen enough, thank you.

You know, I always thoughtyou could hold this stuff.

Now here's a bottomless pit.

Grape Nehi and leave the bottle.

Did I tell you?

Put that on my tab.

Sit over here, Spunky.

Uh, I don't know, ma'am.

I noncom drinking with a com?

Besides, I'm not very good company.

Will you stop clucking and move over?

What are you doing herein the middle of the day?

What do you mean by that?

You're usuallyshadowing the colonel,

that's all.

The colonel'son a picnic.

And what's it to youanyway?

Boy,I hate a pushy barmaid.

-Is he with Colonel Rayburn?-Who do you think?

Those two are fast becoming an item.

Do you think maybe--

Nah.

You betcha, nah.

And anyway,it's all her fault.

Her fault?

She never lets him alone.

Who was it who came to her tent last night?

To her tent?

Oh, yeah. It's his fault.

It's still her fault.She didn't have to be there.

It's nobody's fault. They like each other.

Hit me again.

I know you.

Can't remember the name,but I never forget a pace.

Those colonels should have been back hours ago.

Radar, there comes a time

when you have to let the oldfolks out of the nest.

Listen, something might have happened out there, you know.

There's snipers. There's land mines.

Even worse, they might be getting friendly.

We all know how dangerousthat can be.

Oh, yeah? My cousin Raymond went on a picnic

with a girl once, and they had to get married.

The colonel's alreadybeen spoken for.

Yeah, and that'swhat makes it worse.

Aren't you taking a lot for granted?

What?

Just because they went out on a picnic

doesn't mean they're having a picnic.

Huh?

They're mature, intelligent adults.

Did you ever think

they might have gone out there just to talk?

Yeah, I know it could behappening that way.

Right. Now let's get down to something important.

Did you send those telegrams out on B.J.?

Only the first 27.

Come on. I'm gonna go outthere and look for them.

Radar, relax.

Potter: ♪ H-A-Double R-I

♪ G-A-N spells Harrigan

♪ Harrigan

♪ Proud of all the Irish blood that's in me ♪

♪ In me

♪ Devil a man can say a word ag'in' me ♪

♪ Ag'in' me

That's them.

♪ H-A-Double R-I

Oh, my God, they're being tortured.

♪ G-A-N, you see?

♪ Is a name that a shamenever has been connected with ♪

♪ Harrigan, that's me

♪ Boom, boom Ha ha!

I've heard better harmony from a machine gun.

Who was singing harmony?

Lil, I had one heck of a day.

I hate to see it end.

If things stayquiet around here,

it doesn't have to.

Stop by my place laterfor a nightcap.

You know the address.

Do you know all the words to "Second Hand Rose"?

I sure do.

This time I'll bring my voice.

Ha ha! Right.

Ha ha!

Howdy, buckeroos.

-Hey there, Buffalo Bob.-Good evening, Colonel.

Come on, boys,I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

Coffee's free here.

-What's with him? -Well, you know,

you could have calledand told him you'd be late.

Come in.

♪ Everyone knows that she'sa second hand rose ♪

♪ From Second Avenue

Terrible.

Well, after the second-drink minimum,

I'll sound like Jeanette MacDonald.

And I'll looklike Nelson Eddy.

♪ When I'm callingyoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hou ♪

Sherm, I don't know when

I've enjoyed anyone's company as much as yours.

How can I ever tell peopleI had fun in Korea?

We must have beensome sight today, Lil.

Laughing and singingin the middle of a war.

Not a war. A police action.

Yeah, so they tell me.

Cheers.

I remember a captainI knew in England.

This is before D-Day.

He got some English girlto go for a cookout one night

on the beach at Brighton.He was from California.

You know how those peoplelove to barbecue everything.

Well, you couldn't havean open fire

because of the blackout,but they rigged up something.

Anyway, after he got abouta half a bottle of wine in her,

she decides she wantsto go swimming.

Yeah, well, uh...

while the two of them

are splashing around out therein their birthday suits,

all these..landing craftstart landing, and, uh,

the whole British army'son maneuvers,

and spotlights went on,

and, Lil,are you listening to me?

Mm. We're in England.

So you hadthese landing craft

and, uh, spotlights

and British troops.

Yes, you said that before.

-I did, didn't I? -Yes, you did.

Lil, uh,

is what's happening

what I think is happening?

I think so.

That's what I thought.

Well, Lil, I, uh...

I'm not, uh....

that is to say

I don't--

No, hmm?

Not while there'sa girl at home

with my picture on her piano.

Sherm, I just want you to know that...

well, I don't fall into bed with every man I meet.

I know that.

Where did I get my signals crossed?

You didn't.

I just...

gave youthe wrong impression.

I was so damn tickled

having someone my own ageto talk to.

That's all.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

It could have been something quite special.

It still is.

This is a memoryI'll never forget.

Well, I have two more MASHs to visit,

and, uh...

I'd better get an early start.

I'll see you offin the morning.

But if I was ever tempted...

You had your chance.

Good night, Sherm.

Good night, Lil.

Radar, you all right?

I heard that rat-tat-tatting

all across the compound.

Just catching upon the paperwork, sir.

You haven't beenaround much lately.

I know.

You've been a big help to methe last couple of days.

Thank you.

Just part of my job, sir.

Colonel Rayburn will be leaving

before breakfast tomorrow.

Would you drop by my tent at about 6:00?

-I want to see her off.-Yes, sir.

Your tent?

You going back to your tent, sir?

Why not?

That's where I sleep, isn't it?

Yes, sir, it sure is.

You know, Colonel Rayburn's visit here

has been a real treat for me.

I almost forgot how wonderfulit is to spend some time

with a woman who's beenaround as long as I have--

speaks the same language.

That's rare, Radar.

Gee, I hope I meetsomebody like that someday.

You will.

I've met a couple.

Married the one I loved.

I understand, sir.

Uh, don't worry about a thing.

I'll fix everythingtonight for tomorrow.

You just get some rest.

Thanks, Radar.

Good night, son.

Good night, Colonel.

Excuse me, sirs.

Hawkeye, we got answersback to your telegrams.

All right. This is it.Now I got you.

What does it say?

According to every one we got,

Captain Hunnicutt has no first name.

-Just B.J. -What?

Let me see that.

B.J., B.J.

Who would name their kid B.J.?

My mother Bea Hunnicuttand my father Jay Hunnicutt.

B.J.

Oh, sure. Now I get it.

Bea and Jay. B.J.

You honestly expect meto buy that cockamamie story?

Now, what does it stand for?

Anything you want.