Original subtitles

-RADAR: Colonel?

Good, I'm glad you're awake.

Sir, I hate to interrupt you

while you're in a good mood, but--

-Colonel? Ohh! -Oh, my--What the--

-Ohh, Radar! -Sir, I'm sorry.

I thought you were awake. I heard you laughing.

Laughing?

Oh, yeah. Heh!

I dreamt I came homefrom the war,

and there there was Mildredwearing Hunnicutt's mustache.

Why would you be laughing?

Because it tickled.

Is this important,

or are you just goingaround waking people?

No, there's a phone call.It's I-Corps. General Imbrie.

Bill Imbrie?

What's that old windbagdoin' in-country?

I don't know. You couldalways ask the old windbag.

-Zip it, sonny. -Right.

Maybe if Mildred waxed it.

Oh, dear.

If only I could breathe.

Oh, if only I could sleep.

Why should you rest when my sinuses

are pounding out the "Anvil Chorus"?

Charles, you're blowinga good night's sleep

for us all.

Drip, drip, drip.

This is making a shambles of my throat.

-B.J.: Now what?

Oh, good. He's drowning.

Evening, boys.

Same to you, Winchester.

You're just the manI want to see.

-Can you see him outside?-You'll want to hear this too.

There's been a big shake-up at I-Corps.

General Imbrie hasreplaced General Hammond,

and Imbrie wants a powwow

with all the major officersin his command tomorrow.

That's fascinating, Colonel,

especially at this hour of the night.

What makes you think I could find this

of the remotest possible interest?

Just this, Señor Hoity-toity.

As of 0600, I will be en route to Seoul,

and you will be interimcommander of this post.

Congratulations.

Charles in command?

That's like givingCaptain Bligh his own fleet.

Colonel, I'm touched that you thought of me,

but it's out of the question.

It wasn't an offer.It was an order.

And under ordinary circumstances

I would be happy to comply,

but my sinuses are clogged,and they're ready to burst.

Here. Feel that. Feel that right there.

-Feel-- -Ehh! Major!

We don't know each otherthat well.

All right, Winchester.You're off the hook.

Pierce, you're temporary C.O.

-I'm who? -There goes the war.

Oh, no! No, you don't!I'm unfit for command.

You have a cold? Hangnail? Warts?

And scurvy.

-You're still it. -What about B.J.?

-I don't want it.-That's good enough for me.

-What?-You've got seniority, Pierce.

But I'm a coward. My insigniais a cringing chicken.

I don't knowhow to give orders.

That's all right.

No one around here knows how to take 'em.

Don't worry. Radar knows the routine.

Colonel, how longwill you be gone?

No idea.

I've seen these thingstake an hour or three days.

We'll leave a markerwhere the camp was.

Get some sleep, Commander.

0600 gets here early. Night, boys.

Courage, Camille.

Hawk,I'm truly happy for you.

So am I. It's like one of those Westerns

where the town drunk becomes sheriff.

All right, here's my firstcommand. You, bubble-cheeks.

Get your steam roomand your gargle out of here

and into post-opon the double!

-I will not.-You will for your commander!

Ten-hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

I will to get away from my commander.

Good! Left, left! Right, right!

Left, left! Right, right!

Well, that wasn't so bad.

-Ah, welcome to your new job, sir.

Now I know why they shoot people at sunrise.

Who wants to live at 6:00 in the morning?

Hey, Hawkeye, you're not even dressed.

I have my bars on, don't I?

I know, but it doesn't look good you know, for the--

From now on, I want the middleof this desk kept clear.

Hey!

Don't disturb me until lunch.

Lunch is disturbing enough.

How am I doing so far?

Thank you.

Come on. Will you please be serious once?

We've got work to do here.

All right. The first orderof the day is a drink.

Where's the key?

With the colonel, I'm happy to say.

Potter took the key?He doesn't trust me?

Well, if you were him and he was you, would you?

That's catchy. Set thatto music right away.

Radar, cut an order.

"Cut an order."That's pretty good.

The Officers Club bar willremain open daily from 0500.

0500.

And it will never close.

Corporal Klinger reporting as ordered, sir.

-Who ordered you?-My sense of duty, sir.

A soldier's intuition that his new commandant

would like to know howthat soldier feels about him.

-Oh, boy.-And I feel just great, sir,

knowing at last there's somebody

behind this desk who understands.

-Klinger...-Have I told you lately

how splendid you're looking, sir?

Did I say splendid? Handsome is the word.

Oh, boy, you couldcut it with a fork.

Oh, you were built for command.

Those shoulders,broad enough for four stars.

That height.Commanders should be tall.

Look down on his men.

Napoleon didn't do so bad.

Klinger, I'm afraidit is not within my purview

to grant you a discharge.

I know that, sir.But you do have the authority.

Let me put it another way:I'm not allowed.

Good try, though.It shows initiative,persistence,

and a total graspof unreality.

-Does this mean you won't? -In spades.

I should've known.

The higher the brass, the lower the class.

Sorry, sir. That's just the way I see it.

I look forward to your demotion, sir.

That makes two of us.

My door is always closed.

Would you like to look at the duty roster now, sir?

You know what's wrong withthis job? I'm too accessible.

From now on, I want a 24-hour palace guard outside these doors.

Would you like to look atthe duty roster now, sir?

Also,I want a peasant costume

so I can slip inamongst my subjects

and find out what they'resaying about me.

Hawkeye, you gotta sign this!

-You sign it. -That's forgery!

Well, forge ahead, Corporal.Good night.

Margaret, I'm out of water.

-And you want me to get you some. -Please?

Forget it. There arereal patients herewith real problems.

They're wounded. I'm sick.

I'll be by laterwith a fresh pacifier.

Webster, Webster.

Oh, yes. I loved your book,

especially the chase scenewhere L was following K.

You're doing just fine--

so fine that you won'tneed this drain anymore.

You're gonna take it out?Here? Now?

And it won't hurt a bit.

Doc, could you give me something?

I don't want to see.

-Too late. It's already out.-Oh, really?

Good. Boy, was I scared.

Now I just have to take outa couple of stitches.

Oh, no.

Klinger. More water.

I'm a little busy, Major.

Now, you insubordinatedesert riff.

Riff?

With all due respect, sir,

may a pregnant camelgive birth in your bunk.

Levantine thug!

-Doc-Whoa. Take it easy, Webster.

I'll be finishedin a second.

Will someone please bring me some water?

Klinger, get thatwheelchair over here

and roll him out of here.

Your command is my wish,O Temporary King of the Hill.

Come, second banana.Into the chair.

Pierce, you order me in,you order me out.

Make up your mind.Where do you want me?

Black Hole of Calcutta and step on it.

My flag is down, sir.

Despot!

-Excuse me, sir, I hate to bother you -Then don't.

Uh, just-just, easy now.I'm almost there.

Sir, you haven't doneyour status reports.

Every morningyou gotta fill out

-your DD-5 and your DD-5-A's.-I DD-do?

Unless youfill out your DD-5-A'sfrom the day before.

Radar, put all that garbage onmy desk. I'll ignore it later.

The pile on your deskis almost as high as me.

Well, how bad can that be?

Uh, Hawkeye?

Whoever said it waslonely at the top?

-All right, Father. What's your problem? -Uh, well, uh,

the fact of the matter is--You see, uh--You look busy.

I am! What do you want?

I don't want to sound critical.

I mean, after all,you are new at the job.

Still, it is turning colder, and we do need them.

And now seems as good a time as any to--

Need what?

Blankets. We're low on blankets.

Every time we send a man back to Seoul,

he goes in a blanket.

Sure. They sendthe soldiers back here

-but never the blankets.-Huh.

All right, Father.I'll get right to it.

The temperature's supposed todrop down 20 degrees tonight.

Okay, okay.

Remember, my son, patience is a virtue.

And you're taxing my virtue.

But you will get right on it, won't you?

Are you telling meI don't get the blankets

until I fill outthe requisitions?

Look, Major, we're pretty cold up here.

I'll fill 'em out right away.

Plus what else?

Oh, yeah. The DD-5-Ds.

-Center pile.-Right. Those are in the mail.

Hey, you can't lie to I-Corps!

Now, what about those blankets?

Look, I'm the commandingofficer here,

and I'm not sendinganything else out

until I see those blankets,and that's final!

All right! Don't yell!You'll get your requisitions.

Let's not get into a snit.

You'll drive yourself into a perfect tizzy.

Bye.

I tell ya if I weren'tthe boss here,

I would've told that guy off.

Welcome to the trenches, sir.

This wouldn't have happenedif you'd handed me these things

instead of piling themon my desk.

You told me to pile them on your desk!

Well, don't listen to me.

Boy, I hate breaking in a new man!

-Howdy, chief. -Whatever you want, you got it.

Just allow three days for paperwork.

I just wanted to say hello.

In that case,two days.

In your honor, sir, a new delicacy--

chicken à la commandant.

Klinger, with all thetemporary power vested in me,

no discharge.

Before you say no, sir, please,

try the commandant sauce--dress green.

Kellye,I gotta get off tonight.

Take my late duty,and then I'll takeyours tomorrow night.

Yeah, sure, no problem.

Baker, you can't tradeshifts for tomorrow night.

You've already got a shift--mine.

I worked yourslast Thursday.

No, it doesn't! You saidyou would work mine--

Nurses, what's the problem here?

All right, all right. At ease.I'll settle this right now.

As of now, there'll be nomore trading off of shifts.

-The duty roster is the final word.

-The final word! -Hello, I'm your commanding officer,

and I must warn you,if this arguing keeps up,

you'll all be confined tomy quarters one at a time.

Excuse me, Commander.

These are my nurses, andI'll handle the situation.

I know, Margaret, but there'san easy way to solve this.

-I don't want to butt in---But he can't resist.

You've gotta compromise.

Baker and Bigelow,take a half night off each.

Kellye, you work a third of a shift,

Baker a third, Bigelow a third.

Then tomorrow youreverse the whole thing.

There. Can I rise to an occasion?

That's the dumbest schedule I ever heard.

-Sure is.

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Incoming wounded.

Choppers and ambulances loaded.

That settles it. You're all on duty.

Plasma stat. Type and cross match

for two units of whole blood.

Can you get a fullcasualty count?

I'll get a full casualty count.

Radar, please. Don't talk while I talk.

-Okay. I gotcha.-Just do what I ask, okay?

I'll doexactly what you say.

That's better.

How you doing?

You wouldn't happen to be carrying around

an extra surgeon, would you?

Sorry. He'sin my other jacket.

Margaret, how 'bout oneof your nurses over here?

Oh, now they're my nurses.

Always ready with the wisecracks, aren't you?

Charles, come on,move it, will ya?

Pierce, please. I'm going through hell.

Well, go througha little faster.

Radar, what aboutthose blankets?

I mailed the requisitions. They'll probably be here tomorrow.

Tomorrow?What's wrong with today?

These things take time, Captain.

Tell that to these guyswho are out here freezing.

I feel bad about it too, sir.

Hawk, go easy on the kid.He's on your side.

Yeah, I know.

-Sponge. -Sponge.

-Clamp. -Clamp.

-Hanky.

Blow and wipe.

Hunnicutt, I have met a lotof people in my life.

You are not among them.

Bless you anyway, creep.

I think the expression is "God bless you, creep."

Amen, Father.

Can we hold it down, please?

How can I be expected to drainthese miserable sinuses

if they keep sending memore wounded?

I wouldn't take it, Charles. Send them back.

Why doesn't somebodytie off his tongue?

Why doesn't somebody stand on yours?

Clamp.

Clamp.

For your mouth.

-Will you dry up? -I would love to.

Will you all shut up?

Ah, another countyheard from.

Can we be serious?I want it quiet in here.

All right. Knock offthe loud bleeding.

Come on, Hunnicutt.I got enough to worry about

with a room full of woundedand a camp full of headaches.

Not to mention a couple of CCs of self-pity.

Look, if you thinkit's so easy, you do it.

Why? You're doing so well.

At least I'm trying.

Meantime, you stay in the backseat

where you belong.

ALL: Whoa-ho-ho!

I'm comin', I'm comin',I'm comin'.

Yeah, what?No, I mean, 4077th MASH.

No, Colonel Potter's not-- Colonel, is that you?

Oh, what are you doing up so late, sir?

Is it an officers' conference?

Well, General Imbrie runs a tight ship,

so we're all pretty tight.

How are things at home?

Fine. Mom's gonna enter hercucumbers in the county fair,

and Uncle Ed's one of the judges,

so she might win.

No, Radar. Home where you areat the 4-0 double natural.

-How-How are things? -Oh, uh, great.

Fine. Pretty good.When you coming back, sir?

Oh, any time now.

How's, uh... How's Hawkeye doin'?

Uh... Uh, he's trying real hard.

When did you say you're coming back?

I don't know.

We been listening to Imbrie for two days,

and, uh, all he's done so faris-is clear his throat.

Well, hurry. Everybody misses you.

They keep saying, "When'sColonel Potter coming back?"

Well, give my best to everybody.

I'll talk t-- talk to you tomorrow.

Good night, son.

Nah. I think I'll sleep here.

MAN : Attention. A jeep with single patient

wants to meet single doctor on the double.

-Is it bad? Is it bad? -Easy, pal, easy.

No, it's not too bad.

I can get those shell fragmentsout with eyebrow tweezers.

-I'll take it, sir. -How'd it happen?

Mortar. I was helping my buddyat the battalion aid station.

Direct hit. Got us both.It killed the aid surgeon.

Geez, what aboutyour buddy?

I think he's hurt worse than I am.

But I was the one bleeding,so they shipped me.

What makes you thinkyour buddy's hurt so bad?

Well, he's not cut or nothin',

but he's sweatin',and he looks gray, ya know?

-His stomach hurt? -Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I touched it, and he screamed.

But they thought he was fakin'.

Fakin', huh?Radar, get him inside.

-I'm goin' back up there.-Hey, hey! Wait a minute!

Don't you think you'dbetter tell Captain Piercewhere you're going?

You tell him.I can't get an appointment.

Hey, wait a minute! That's not S.O.P.!

This the man who just came in?

Yes, sir. This is Corporal Hough.

-Hi, Doc. -Hi.

All right, get B.J. on him right away.

Tell him to hurry. I just got a call.

There's a lot more casualties coming in.

We're gonna be very busy very soon.

Uh, sir? Excuse me,

but about Captain Hunnicutt.

-Yeah, what about him? -Don't yell,

but you know that jeep that just come in?

It just went out again with B.J. in it.

-Why?-Well, he went after his buddy.

He's hurt real bad, and theyleft him at the aid station,

so he went to get him.

Well, what does he thinkwe get in here, shaving nicks?

Look, he didn't know we hadmore casualties coming in.

Well, he would have if he'dchecked with me first.

This is great. Fantastic.

Potter's not here,B.J.'s not here,

Charles has never been here,and I'm left holding the bag.

Nothing personal.

Attention, all personnel. Choppers incoming.

Remember, you heard it here first.

Superficial. He can wait.Margaret, I'm gonna scrub.

-You finish out here.-This one has a bad chestwound. He's shocky.

-He better go in now. -No, he can't.

I got two that are worse off,and Charles is already working.

All right. I'll start himon whole blood

and try to get himstabilized.

We'll managetill you're ready.

Come on, Corpsman!

You know you're beautifulwhen you're overworked?

Hey, Hawkeye, Colonel Potter'son the phone for you.

Tell him I'm busy.

But I brought him allthe way out here for you.

Hello! Oh, Colonel Potter, it's you.

It's been so long, I didn't recognize your voice.

There's a litter over there.Get him into pre-op right away.

How's everything in Seoul? Having fun?

-Captain Pierce!-Yeah, I'll be right there.

I gotta run, but I just want to say

I'm thrilled with the hustleand bustle of command,

the thousand details that clogmy days and waste my nights,

and, time permitting,I even tend to a few wounded.

Captain Pierce!

Gotta run. Been nice chatting with you.

Why don't you drop inif you're in the neighborhood?

I gotta get back home.

Gentlemen, tell the general

we should do this againsometime after the war.

Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it,

you ran that siege pretty well.

We were greatfor half a staff.

Damn that Hunnicutt.Where is he?

Technically he's AWOL, ya know?I could throw the book at him.

I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Since when did you join the Army?

Since it was left to me.

If only Frank Burns could see you now.

It's not so easy to play the clown

when you have to run the circus, is it?

-You finished, Major? -Just one more thing.

Permission to say it serves you right, sir.

Permission denied.Dismissed.

Easy with him.If the ride didn't kill him,

he's still got a chance.

-Prep him fast. -How is he?

-Severe internal bleeding.-Are you okay?

-Yeah.-Good. Now what the hellwere you doing?

You think you can just waltzout of here anytime you want?

-Not now, Hawk.-Don't give me "Not now."

While you were driving around playing hero,

we were trying to patchtogether a whole platoon

-with only two doctors.-Hey, I wasn't joy riding.

When I go up to an aid station,it's because I'm needed.

You should've checked with mefirst. What you did was wrong.

I did exactly what CaptainPierce would have done.

I don't knowabout Commander Pierce.

I don't even knowCommander Pierce,

and I'm not sure I want to.

So that's how I look behind that desk. Yuck.

Ah, returning tothe scene of the crime.

I hereby give backyour command, sir.

If you're interested, I'veprepared a detailed report

on what you can do with it.

I'll wait till the movie comes out.

Have a good timewith the boys in Seoul?

Lots of parties? Generals jumping out of cakes?

Well, while you were out gallivanting,

I was cooped up here with the children.

The young clerk with the paper fetish.

The Lebanese Machiavelli in a garter belt.

Not to mention my roomie,

who can't just wait for business to come in.

He's gotta go out and find it.

They are a pesky bunch,aren't they?

If you let these people have dessert tonight, you're crazy.

Can we water downthat temper tantrum?

I don't want to. I like being mad.

But you're notin charge anymore. I am.

And that's another thing! You could have at least

left me the key to the liquor cabinet.

Are you kidding?Look what you're like sober.

To a job well done.

Don't try to make up to me.

Want another?

I've wanted another for days.

Down this one. We'll takethe bottle with us.

-Where? -To your place.

Hunnicutt couldprobably use a belt.

No, thank you! One thingI've learned on this job:

Never fraternizewith your subordinates.

It leads to insubordination.

Will you relax? You're gonna throw a shoe.

You don't knowwhat's been going on here!

Oh, don't I?

Come on. To the 4077th.

They're all yours.

Hi, Hunnicutt. I'm home.

Colonel, come on in.

-Brought you a snort. -Hey, thanks.

A little change

from Uncle Ben's perverted rice juice.

Hm!

You two do know each other,don't you?

-Yeah, we've met, yeah.-Oh, yeah.

Colonel,I'm glad you're back.

I can't tell you how gladI am you're back.

What's that supposed to mean?

It meansI'm glad he's back.

Down the hatch.

You just won't admit

that going out there without telling me

was the wrong thing to do.

I did what I thoughtwas right.

You're only angry becausesomebody else made a decision.

It's my job to make the decisions.

Was your job.

Up the rebels!

I think the real reasonyou did it was to spite me.

Spite you?I don't believe this.

How do you get your headthrough doorways with that ego?

You just won't admityou couldn't handle it.

You see what I've been putting up with?

Do you have any ideawhat he's been like

the last couple of days?

Genghis Khanwas bigger laughs.

In your eye!

Considering what I had to work with,

I think I did a damn good job.

-Well, that makes one of you.-Oh, yeah?

If you weren't so busy tryingto undermine my authority--

-Ha ha!-Why aren't you helping me?

You should be right in the middle of this.

-You're the commander.-And I'm acting like one,

staying out of it till I'm needed.

It's all in the timing, son.

There's a time to step inand a time to back off.

Pull the reins too tight,and the horse'll buck.

You had good people under you.

You should've let 'emgo through their paces.

You know, this is pretty good.

Someone should be writing this down.

To my golden tongue!

Okay, okay. Let's say I overreacted a little.

Let's say a lot.

-Amen. -And you. -Yeah!

You're lucky you didn'trun off when I was here,

or your fanny'd be hangingfrom the flagpole.

Well, don't sit therelike a couple of moon calves.

Drink up and shake hands already.

That's an order, boys.

Do you know how ridiculousyou two look?

You wanna make nice?

Well, next time, I'll know what to do.

Hopefully there won'tbe a next time.

What's that supposed to mean?

-Oh, no. -Oh, come on.

Will you get off it?

No, no, no, no, no.

You meant something by that.

-What was it? -I--

-Come on. What was it? -Nothing!

For cryin' out loud!You are really a pip.

You know that?

All that good whiskey shot to hell.

-I'm a pip? -You are a pip.

Because I don't want you to talk to me like--

Generalissimo BenjaminFranklin Pierce

-is what you-- -Just a minute!

I'm sorry about all these forms, sir,

but Captain Pierce got us about two days behind.

Don't hold a grudge,Radar.

Colonel, we have to do something about the shower schedule.

The men are always booked in first,

and by the time my nurses get in, there isn't any hot water.

And besides, they leave the place a shambles.

Are you listening to me?

Your nurses aretaking cold showers,

and the men are leavingthe place a mess.

What are you gonna do about it, Colonel?

As soon as I can,

I'll look into the ladies'shower, so to speak.

I hope so.

And thank God you're back, sir.

Dismissed, and thank you,Margaret.

-Colonel, I missed you.-No.

-About my heart murmurs, sir-- -No.

-My double vision is coming back. -No.

-I've fallen in love with a goat. -No.

Glad to have you back, sir.

Well, that just about does it, sir.

I'll send these right off. Well done.

Don't mention it.

Oh, and, Radar,one other thing.

Bring me backa tall bicarbonate of soda.

This place is gonnadrive me nuts.

Yes, sir.