Original subtitles

The contention is that the accused,

with intent to usurp lawful military authority,

did, at the 4077 Mobile Army Surgical Hospital,

on or about October 11, 1952,

willfully attack his commanding officer,

Major Frank Burns,

and did illegally take command.

This preliminary hearing is to determine

whether the facts in this case indicate

that a court-martial should be conducted

and whether the accused,

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce,

should stand trial under Article 94

on the charge of mutiny.

Is that clear, Captain?

Crystal, Colonel.

Ali "Babber" to the end, aren't you?

How'd you like a grenade in your truss?

Order.

As these charges have been brought by Major Burns,

the court requests that he open the proceedings

by answering a few questions.

-Take the stand, Major. -Yes, sir.

You swear that the evidence you shall give

shall be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Absotively.

A simple "I do" will be sufficient.

I do, sir.

I'm certain you comprehend

the seriousness of your charge, Major.

The penalty for mutiny, after all, is death

or such other punishment as the court may direct.

I comprehend okay. Death or worse.

Besides my life,

-Frank wants my virginity. -We all do.

-If only I'd known.

Now, Major,

you have served with the accused for some time.

All too long, Colonel.

Had he ever indicated to you

that he might consider mutiny?

The man's a born troublemaker, sir.

He has no respect for his superiors

and seems almost deliberately kind to those beneath him.

He's immoral, unmilitary, and unpatriotic.

Under my framed picture of Senator McCarthy,

he wrote in big letters,

"Know your enema."

Is that all?

Well, isn't that enough?

I mean, are you finished?

Oh yes, except to say that people like Pierce

are a menace to the American way of life...

as I see it.

Unless we each conform, unless we obey orders,

unless we follow our leaders blindly,

there is no possible way we can remain free.

You may take your seat, Major.

Your fly is open.

Captain Pierce?

Do you swear the evidence you shall give

shall be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,

-so help you God? -I do.

You have any opening remarks?

Yes.

Unaccustomed as I am to public lynching,

let me say that even the army must surely have better things to do

than to listen to the ravings of a man

with enough mold on his brain

to produce a quart of penicillin.

Sticks and stones, your Honor.

Major Burns has had it in for me

ever since I suggested he created

more widows and pallbearers than salmonella.

Would you say that your lack of respect

for the major's medical skills

might have been the cause for the alleged mutiny.

There was no mutiny.

It's his medical skills that are alleged.

I'd say that Major Burns snapped

under the burden of command

and that he never should have been put

in the position of command.

And if the politicians of the world

hadn't failed to keep the peace,

he'd be back in Indiana right now

with his cozy little malpractice

and meeting his receptionist two afternoons a week

at the Golden Goose Motel.

That's a lie!

Don't leave your unopened mail around.

That's hitting below the belt.

-Beats hanging.

That'll do.

Perhaps at this time we'd better hear from Colonel Sherman Potter.

Colonel Potter?

You swear the evidence you shall give

shall be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,

-so help you God? -I do.

If you would start at the beginning, please, sir?

Very well. On 5 October, I was preparing to depart

for six days of R&R in Tokyo.

Oh, I can do all that for you, sir,

-after you've gone. -It's no trouble.

Well, don't you want to get started,

-before it gets dark? -For Pete's sake,

it's only 8:00 in the morning.

I forgot.

Major, I know you're not giggling

'cause you're wearing feathered underwear.

You just can't wait to park your can behind this desk.

I am second in command, sir.

Let's not do too much second-in-commanding

while I'm gone, right?

I prefer to lead by example,

-to command through respect. -Mm-hmm.

But if all else fails,

a leader can't hesitate to kick a few keisters.

Oh?

Ah, I think it was Napoleon who said,

"Without discipline, an army is no more

"than a bunch of guys

"all wearing the same color clothes."

Napoleon?

Might've been Mussolini.

-Jeep's ready, sir. -Thank you, Radar.

Take care of these papers for me, would ya?

Yes, sir. I radioed Tokyo and told 'em

-you're on your way. -Radio Tokyo I'm on my way.

-I'll look after Burns, -And look after Burns.

All I'm saying is don't go loco with the discipline.

I'll only be gone six days, so easy does it.

Of course, sir. Have a nice time,

and, uh, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I don't know that I'd want to do

anything you would do.

Only six days, Colonel?

God created the universe in six days.

Here's the morning mail, Major Pussycat.

Of course, God wasn't surrounded

by a bunch of flakes.

Colonel Potter's chair wasn't even cold

before Frank decided to re-create the 4077

in his own weird image.

I object to the word "weird."

How about warped? Bizarre? Balmy?

-Perverted? Loony? Loopy? -Dippy.

I'm gonna sue all of you.

No doubt for definition of character.

Captain Pierce.

Please give the court some examples

of the major's alleged... peculiarities.

Well, on the very first day,

Frank observed that the M in MASH stood for "mobile,"

so he had us break down the entire unit

and move it across the road.

Frank has definitely flipped out.

Flipped like a fox.

He's obviously picked up

a couple hundred trusses cheap.

Now he's creating a demand for them.

Come on! Chop-chop! Get the lead out.

This is a war, you know.

You see? I told you it was a war.

But no, you keep saying we're both dreaming.

How could we be in each other's dreams?

How could I be in Korea? More important,

why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?

So we moved.

And then the next day, we moved right back again.

-M stands for "mobile." -Also for meshuggah.

The major then insisted on cold showers,

calisthenics, parades, retreats, and snap inspections.

Now, let's face it, Colonel.

All that discipline is a bit much to expect

from a bunch of dumb doctors.

True.

Worst of all, I guess, Major Burns ordered a ban

on the camp's chief source of culture:

gambling.

But then, boys will be boys.

What do you do, Radar?

-I'm thinking. -Another first.

Come on! You giving this hand up for Lent?

Give it a rest, Zale.

He needs time.

What do you care? You're ahead 50 bucks.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Okay, I'll see ya.

Read 'em and weep. Three little ladies.

Is that all you got? Three queens?

I got a straight.

How'd ya like to buy a half interest in a minefield?

Chickee! Chickee!

-What's going on? -Uh, spelling bee, Frank.

-Go ahead, B. J. "Cretin." -Cretin.

C-R-E-T-l-N. Cretin.

What's a cretin?

A moron. A mental defective.

Let's hear it for the horse's mouth.

I want this kitchen to shine like my mother's.

You could've eaten off her floors.

No plates, huh?

Oh, can the sauce, Sergeant.

Field Marshal Rommel said,

"You can judge an army by its kitchens."

Yeah? In that case, I guess your mother

could've licked Germany single-handed.

Ah, droll. Queldroll.

Now let's see if your freezer's equally amusing.

Shameful. Now, for openers,

I wanna see these carcasses lined up according to height.

I'm ashamed to wear the same uniform

as these wienies.

Where's the old Army pride, Zale?

Beats the hell out of me, sir.

This is one sloppy inspection, Sergeant.

And you don't seem to give a solitary hoot.

Well, how would you feel if you lost 300 bucks?

How? Where?

Well, uh, ou-out there.

Somewhere. In the camp. Lost.

I mean, one minute it was in my wallet,

and then the next minute, poof!

-Poof? -Poof.

Three hundred dollars just don't go poof

while I'm in command, Sergeant.

You were robbed. No question.

You're right, sir. I must've been robbed.

Who were you with just before you realized you lost your boodle?

Well, as I recall, it was, uh, Pierce, uh, Hunnicutt, uh...

Klinger, Radar and Father Mulcahy, like that there.

Recreating with officers, huh?

Start tampering with God's ways,

and the next thing you know, $300 has taken a powder.

You're right, sir. It's a curse from God.

Well, don't fear, soldier.

Nobody loses a dime while Frank Burns is at the tiller.

Not too bad today.

Who's complaining?

Pierce! Hunnicutt! That--

What do you think you're doing

wearing civilian underpants?

Is nothing sacred?

These happen to be my mother's.

-Oh, really? -They are.

She said as long as I wore them,

nothing would ever happen to me.

She figured that

since nothing ever happened to her when she wore them.

I'm here to discuss something besides underwear.

-Make it brief. -Ohh! That's very bad.

Not funny, but fast.

It has come to my attention

that Sergeant Zale lost $300 last night.

Yeah. So?

So that means that there's a thief around here.

Maybe more than one.

Frank, Zale lost it gambling.

I beg your pardon?

Gambling, Frank. He was playing poker with us.

Impossible.

Gambling's been prohibited.

There is no gambling in this unit.

Therefore the money was stolen.

Can't argue with that kind of logic.

I certainly wouldn't try.

My mother always said two things:

"Never argue with crazy people"

and "Always wear clean underwear

"in case you get run over by a tank

"and have to go to the hospital."

-Wise woman. -Okay, you two clever Dicks.

I'm gonna conduct a search as only I can,

and the culprit or culprits will be punished.

Frank, your sanity's sprung a leak.

Oh, we'll see. And when I find that money,

you'll be laughing out of the other side of your sleeve.

His mills grind slowly.

But exceedingly dumb.

You may stand down, Captain.

We will now have a brief recess.

FRANK: I think it's going very well, don't you?

Corporal Radar O'Reilly, sir.

Radar?

Uh, sometimes I know things are gonna happen

before they do, sir.

My mom says I get it from my uncle Ernest.

He knew he was gonna die about a week before it happened,

so he moved next door to the undertaker

so he wouldn't have so far to travel.

Be seated.

Yes, sir.

Is this all right, sir?

Is what all right?

The way I'm sitted?

You're sitted fine.

You appreciate the gravity of this hearing, Corporal?

Oh, yes, sir.

If eventually found guilty,

Captain Pierce could be hanged.

Why does he keep saying that?

It'll never happen...

probably.

Now, then, Corporal.

You assisted Major Burns in his search for the $300?

Yes, sir.

Please tell the court the details from the beginning.

Well, our first stop was Father Mulcahy's tent.

He's the camp priest.

Prepare to search, Corporal.

Gee, sir, I don't think we should be in here.

It's like ransacking a church.

This isn't a church, and I'm not ransacking.

Remember, he's a father but also a man

and open to temptation like the rest of us.

You think he swiped all that stuff?

No, I don't think he swiped all that stuff.

Oh, I just figured if a priest could be tempted,

that's the kind of stuff he'd steal.

You know, you're a certifiable cretin.

Cretin. C-R-I-T-E-N. Cretin.

Wrong.

Hey! He's got extras.

What do you mean, extras?

I thought he had just the one collar.

Why should he have just one?

What do you think he did when it got dirty or wore out?

Converted?

RADAR: The next tent we searched in

was Corporal Klinger's.

Degenerate.

Now tell the truth.

Would you be caught dead in this?

It's way too long for me, sir.

You're another sicko.

I'm just searching for stolen money.

It could be hidden anywhere.

You didn't run your fingers

through Father Mulcahy's collars, sir.

Sorry.

This Corporal Klinger... She's a nurse?

Oh, no, sir.

If I may, sir, Corporal Klinger is a corpsman.

He's a good soldier.

He'd prefer to be a good civilian.

Toward that end,

-he dresses, uh... -In dresses.

Bucking for a Section 8?

The man does his job. I'll give him that.

I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.

Unless, of course, Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

-Carry on, Corporal. -Oh, yes, sir.

The next tent was Captain Pierce's

and Captain Hunnicutt's's.

What're you looking for, Frank?

His marbles.

Are you with him, Radar,

or are you independently crazy?

-I'm helping the major. -Do what?

I don't know.

Well, he couldn't have gotten a better man for the job.

Come on, Frank. You can tell us.

I'm looking for $300, bub.

As if you didn't know.

Frank, it wasn't stolen.

I don't really think either of you took it.

-Officers don't steal. -Right.

We don't go to the toilet, either.

We just explode when we're 50.

Finally, the major searched the last place. Mine.

-Aha!

The eyes always give the guilty away.

They're the windows to the soul.

The little rat bit me!

What's he doing on a military installation anyway?

Oh, h-he pulls his weight, sir.

He's like a watchdog.

And where'd the lettuce come from?

The mess tent. It's garbage.

That garbage is meant for our boys.

It's not to be used to feed gophers.

-He's a guinea pig. -Who cares?

They do.

Don't tell me he sleeps with you.

I'm hoping to do better, sir.

In spite of his diligent search,

Major Burns never found the missing money?

No, sir. I know for a fact he didn't.

Because you had it all the time?

You're sworn to tell the truth.

Yes, sir. I did, sir.

Where was it hidden, Corporal?

Inside my teddy bear.

I knew I should've ripped the stuffings out

of the dirty little bugger

when I had the opportunity.

Wouldn't you have felt a little silly

if the money hadn't been inside that bear?

I wasn't talking about the bear.

I think we have a pretty clear picture

of the breakdown of command

that led to the events of 11 October.

Now I would call on Major Burns

to tell the court exactly what transpired on that day.

With pleasure, sir.

-HAWKEYE: Kellye, let me see this. -All right. Here you go.

FRANK : It was one of those days that, more than most,

reminds us that war,

however much we may enjoy it,

is no strawberry festival.

Nurse Johnson. Nurse Johnson?

You called, Doctor?

More wounded. Send me more wounded.

Major Burns, you're only human.

You've only got two hands.

Well, if I have two hands,

why have I only one patient?

Yes, I'm through here. Litter!

Buck up, Nurse.

Think of it as the rockets' red glare.

Come on, Frank. Let up on us.

We've been going at it for six hours straight.

What about all these wonderful freckled youngsters?

Do you think they knocked off after six hours?

Or eight? Or ten?

Do you think they punched out after 5:30?

-Thank you, Doctor. -For what?

Just for being you.

Shameful. Asleep at the switch.

Must I do everything myself?

Oh, Lord, I'm losing this one!

-Steady, Pierce. -But he's hemorrhaging

and all we're out of blood type B.

-I'm type B. -No, Doctor, you mustn't.

I must or be a traitor to my Hippocratic oath.

-Take over here. -Yes, Doctor.

This'll probably save his life, Frank.

Saving lives is my business, Mister.

Besides O.R., I was responsible for pre-op.

He's first. You can wait.

He's next. Give him a unit of whole blood.

Very bad. I'll do this one personally.

Back to the front, soldier.

Keep 'em coming!

-Gloves. -Come on, Frank.

Give us a break. We're only human.

Are they less so, Hunnicutt, because they're bleeding?

Would you minister only to the healthy and the able-bodied?

They're coming too fast, Frank. We're not machines!

Shall I ask them to die slower, Pierce?

We can't do it, Frank! We can't!

You're asking too much!

I'm taking over!

You're mad! Mad!

Mediocrity's no crime, Frank!

The major's version of what happened was,

to say the least, fascinating.

It was, to say the most, perjury.

No, to be fair,

I have no doubt that he remembers it that way.

More's the pity.

And, of course, there was some truth to what he said.

It was October 11, and we were in Korea.

Other than that...

Hold it! Hold it! Dress him.

There's no double-parking here.

Clamp.

I can't put him to sleep.

He's in shock.

This patient isn't stable.

Which of us is?

I'm not kidding, damn it.

I'm not operating on this man

till he gets a few units of blood.

Same here. I cut into this patient with his hemoglobin,

he's gonna stroke out.

Frank, get in here! Frank!

Oh! Watch it, clumsy!

In your ear!

Frank, this kid needs a transfusion,

and B.J.'s patient is likely to croak

during his operation.

Oh, pick, pick, pick!

Is that all you guys can do?

Frank, what are you doing out there?

He's adapted Henry Ford's principles to medicine.

He sends the wounded in on an assembly line,

and we're supposed to attach the headlights.

-Was that a bomb? -Uh, no, Frank.

Someone's playing their World War II album.

Frank, pre-op means preparation. Prep 'em!

Listen, they're backing up out there.

With all this shelling going on,

there'll be more and more wounded!

We'll overflow! We'll be buried alive!

That beats their being buried dead, Frank.

Now get out there and practice medicine,

or I'm gonna report you to Lionel Barrymore.

I'm your superior officer, Pierce.

You will not talk to me in that insolent manner!

Frank, you can either help the wounded

or become one.

Thank you, nurse.

You may just have saved countless lives.

-Father, take over in pre-op. -Right!

Klinger, get rid of this mess.

Yes, sir!

Gentlemen, I have weighed the evidence carefully--

not merely the testimony

but the records of those involved.

I have no doubt that Captain Pierce is a prankster

and thoroughly unmilitary.

But the records indicate

that he's a top-flight surgeon.

Lord knows I wouldn't want to lead

a company of Pierces into battle...

but I'd sure as hell want him around

when that battle was over.

Colonel, what do the records indicate

about my surgical skills?

If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor,

I think you'd have been assigned as a pastry chef.

In my judgment, no case of mutiny exists,

and I'll advise that the charges

against Captain Pierce be dropped.

-Court adjourned.

You beat the rap, Baby Face.

I owe it all to clean living and fancy footwork.

-Congratulations, Pierce. -Me too, sir.

Well, no hard feelings.

I guess it's not your fault justice got hoodwinked.

You can't be blamed for trying to save your neck.

But I do have a bone to pick with that colonel.

Haven't you had enough for one day?

Well, that's just it, sir.

I won't allow his innocence

to be a blot on my record.

Do you think we could just sneak away

-and leave him here?

Frank's too sharp for that.

He always leaves a trail of bread crumbs.

Having wagered my life,

this childish sport holds no challenge.

-No guts, huh? -Or words to that effect.

What are you gonna do, Sergeant?

Don't rush me. I'm thinkin'.

-Another first. -A bluff if I ever heard one.

Did I tell you?

I never rescinded my order against gambling,

and there they are, breaking it.

You know, I've been burned with three of a kind before.

It's gettin' so I can smell a straight.

Two, three, four, five, and five.

-A pair of 5s.

-A crummy pair of 5s! -Bravo, Beej.

-You can win here with a pair of 5s, huh? -B.J.: Yes, sir.

In the immortal words of Napoleon, deal me in.

New player, new game, gentlemen.

-Cards, please.