All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E16 - Dear Ma (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track3_[eng]

RADAR:
"Dear Ma, this is
your boy here again.

"Still fine with the
U.S. Army, in South Korea,

"and hoping
you are the same.

"As usual,
I am writing real slow,

"'cause I know
you can't read fast.

"Your package and letter
arrived this morning.

"The cake and cookies
and the underwear

"were all delicious.

"I was sorry to hear Uncle Ed
went off the wagon

"on his
hunting trip.

"I sure hope he'll be able
to play the pump organ

"without those toes.

"I apologize for not
answering sooner before, ma.

"It's just I do a heck of a lot
of writing in my job here.

"I got about the smallest
pencil in the camp.

"Take, like, last week.

"Top of all my other
duties,

"which I got
too many already,

"I had to help Captain Pierce
give everybody

a monthly foot inspection."

HAWKEYE:
Terrific-looking toes,
Colonel.

Thank you, Pierce.

Have you ever thought
of studying piano?

N-not there, Pierce!

Should I write down
"ticklish", Captain?

No, no, merely indicates the
patient is highly oversexed.

Right, Colonel?

How do they look, Pierce?

Colonel, you have
the feet of a teenager.

Now we know why Mrs. Potter's
smiling in her picture.

Learned about foot care
in World War I.

From Captain Harry S. Truman,
no less.

He had a great
pair of feet.

Imprints of which may be seen
on General MacArthur's backside.

Colonel gets
100 percent, Radar.

Oh, good.
That's very good, sir.

100 percent.

Well, good feet
run in my family,

except for my Uncle Ben.

He had two extra toes.

Used to have to make little
leather sidecars for his shoes.

Thank you, Colonel.
Come along, Robin.

RADAR:
"Colonel Potter, who I was
really worried would I like,

"I really do.

"He's okay and a good egg.

"I think he's how
Pop would've been,

"if he hadn't died
when I was little.

"I never told you,
but it used to make me mad

"that Pop died.

"Until I finally realized
dying wasn't his idea.

"Another one of my jobs
is helping patients

"go to other hospitals
or back to their units,

"after we finish with
their surgery and stuff.

"Corporal Klinger was helping
evac the other night.

"You'd like Klinger, Ma.

He looks a little bit like
Aunt Jean before electrolysis."

Asher, Harold.
Private.

Asher, Private.
Right.

Have a good ride.

We don't wanna see
you back here again.

So keep down low.

How goes the psycho
business, Klinger?

I wrote General Ridgeway,
I love him,

and asked him
to be my husband.

You mad thing.

His aide wrote back,

"The general's
happily married."

-Maybe they'll have a fight.
-Yeah.

MAN :
Attention.

Attention,
post-op personnel.

The evac bus is loading
and ready to go.

All aboard,
whoever's leaving.

Hey, Doc.
Sergeant Callan.

You know, you took the
shrapnel out of my chest.

Ah, I've got it pressed
in my memory book.

You got a second, Doc?

You feel all right?

I feel fine.

It's the wife, Doc.

She's not so hot.

She's gotta have
an operation.

You know, woman stuff.

I studied woman stuff,
one and two.

My problem is loot.

I don't have enough
for the operation,

and she's gotta
have it right away.

-Uh-huh.
-I wonder if you
could help me, Doc.

I'll be glad to
operate on her free,

if they'll let me
fly home.

If I could just
get her some cash.

I never lend
my patients money.

Reduced life spans.

This watch cost me $150
at the Tokyo P.X.

Give me what
you want for it.

I got a watch.

-Thirty dollars,
and it's yours.

RADAR:
All full up!
Ready to roll!

-Look, Sergeant.
-Self-winding,
tells you the date.

-Twenty dollars.
-S-Sergeant--

-It's a $150 watch.
-Look--

Look, I wouldn't do this
if it weren't for
my wife's plumbing.

Take it.
Fifteen.

Take it.

Here, is, uh, 20 bucks.
All I got.

God bless, you, sir.
God bless you.

You're welcome,
Sergeant.

Good evening, sir.

I'm with the Department
of Water and Power.

-I'm here to
read your feet.
-Uh-huh.

If you'll just, uh,
step into my, uh, crate.

What's that,
a new watch?

Yeah, got it off a patient.
Twenty bucks.

Goes for 150.

The patient had to send
the money home, right?

How'd you know?

His kid outgrew his tonsils
and needs a set of new ones?

The cat needs a
"whiskerectomy?"

I got taken?

We gotta do something
about that

apple pie and
hot dog face.

No works.
It's empty!

See, what you got there is
either a pill box with hands,

or a lunch pail
for munchkins.

-I feel like an idiot.
-Go with the feeling.

And I operated on
that guy's chest!

See, what we'll do,

is we'll get the guy and we'll
put the shrapnel back in.

You're a lot of help.

You ready, sir?

That's a loaded
question, Radar.

Uh, it's past time to go
check Major Houlihan's feet.

Ah, yes, the major's
clustered tootsies.

You think she'll believe it
that a kiss on the instep

improves circulation?

I believed
this was a watch.

-I'll do you at 9:00.
-How will I know?

-Lead on, MacDuff.
-Who?

You better be prepared
to explain that.

Wanna buy a watch?

Major Houlihan's tent.

Ah, if this canvas
could only talk.

-Major.
-MARGARET: Who is it?

Time to have
your feet Pierced.

MARGARET: Later.

Sorry, Major,
there's no later.

The future's been cancelled
by the war department.

They're just gonna
replay the past.

She's not alone.

Give me two guesses.

Senator McCarthy?
Martin Bormann?

-Major Burns.
-I was right.

Come in.

-Hello, Frank.
-I was just leaving!

-That's gonna be difficult,
isn't it?
-Huh?

-You tied your boot
to the table.
-Oh, sure.

You were supposed to inspect
my feet this morning!

Sorry, there was a parade
on 5th Avenue.

The Sons and Daughters
of Mickey Rooney.

Stick around, Frank.
I'll do you after Margaret.

I wouldn't let you touch
my feet with a ten-foot pole!

Radar, cancel
the ten-foot pole.

"Stretch" Pulaski,
tallest Pole you ever saw.

Thanks for
letting me come by

only to pick up
the manual, Major.

The manual.

You kids still
using the manual?

I would think you could
throw away the book by now.

Oh, watch your mouth
in front of the help.

Can we get on with it?

Take it easy, Major.

Your feet aren't going
anywhere without you.

Ready, Radar?

Uh, ready, sir.

Now, then, madame,
what did you have in mind?

A pump, a sandal,
a back-to-school shoe?

Doctor, I have
a dozen specimens

waiting for me
in the lab.

You were smart
to call ahead.

Report on Houlihan,
Margaret, Major.

By Pierce, B.F., Captain.

I'm getting a little crazy,
backwards, talking.

Isn't that a pretty foot,
Corporal?

I wouldn't know, sir.
I'm not a doctor.

However, a wee
bit of fungus,

two bunions,
one corn,

light on the mayo,
hold the chili and onions.

Ankle's a bit swollen.
You retaining water?

My water is none
of your affair.

Radar, get me some
potassium permanganate

for the major's feet.

I'll spread it on for you.
It's more fungus that way.

-Don't you wish.
-Mm-hmm.

Uh, well, sir, I'll meet you
at the next feet.

No, no, Radar, stay.

The law requires that
a third person be present

when I'm examining feet
of the female sex.

Violation could result
in my death by hangnail.

Oh, take your pan
and get out!

Bossy boots.

RADAR:
"It's later now than
it was before, Ma,

"and I'm having a cup of
coffee in the mess tent.

"Colonel Potter has them
make it real strong.

"He says it grows hair
on your saddle horn.

"Speaking of where I am,

a really weird thing happened
in here the other day."

KLINGER:
Grits. Peas.

Corn.
Potatoes.

Ham.

Boy, you think
of everything.

That's why I get
the big money.

Next!

Anyone sitting here?

No.
No one.

I forgot to put
coffee in my cup.

Boy, you must
be starved, guy.

Hey, what funny
printing on there.

All the R's and the P's
are backwards.

Wow!
That's a Russian gun.

-You lucky pup!

That's a great souvenir.

All I got so far is
a small ivory Jesus

for my mama's car.

Yeah, he's tops in
our religion, you know.

Boy, I'd give anything for
one of these Russian babies.

RADAR:
I didn't mean anything.
Hey!

Hey!
Wait a minute!

You ignatz!

Sir, there was just
a Korean in here.

This country is
crawling with Koreans.

You can't swing a dead cat
without hitting a Korean!

You're going on report
for this, you little puke!

Can I help, sir?

You keep out of this,
bugle beak!

I spent an hour going over
this shirt with a hot rock!

Sir, it was
a North Korean.

I didn't realize
'til after he left!

He had a Russian gun
and everything.

A commie?
In here?

Sometimes, they do that.
Their snipers get hungry.

After shooting
at our guys,

they got the guts
to eat our grits?

And you let him get away,
you little pantywaist!

If I'd have been here,

I'd have given him
a good thrashing.

Sir, they know judo.

Religion has nothing
to do with it.

Better not try it again.

He'll probably
keep the tray, too.

RADAR: "Monday night,
Colonel Potter and
Major Houlihan

"went into Kai Dok,
which is a native village.

"We go once a month to treat
the sick, old and ill.

"I could have gone,
but last time I went

"they served grasshoppers
and rice.

"I don't mind that,
but the sauce made me sick.

I think it's Mexican."

Well, I guess
that's about it.

-Radar.
-Yes, sir. Don't worry
about a thing, sir.

-Just make sure everything
runs smooth until I get back.
-Everything's gonna run

smooth as glass.

You got everything,
sir?

Blankets,
medical supplies,

-ketchup for
the grasshoppers.

Keep the whitewash
away from Major Burns.

I don't want to see
one painted rock
when I come back.

And make sure no one
goes into my tent.

I wouldn't do that, ma'am.

Somebody does.

Maybe it's rats.

You think rats have been
trying on my undies?

Some of them rats
are weird.

You be careful on
the road now, sir,

uh, we've got some reports
of snipers.

Can't kill
a regular army man.

Head's too thick.
Yo-ho!

MAN :
Corporal O'Reilly,
please answer your phone.

Corporal O'Reilly,
your phone's running over.

I'll take
the whitewash, sir.

-He said no.
-He said no.

Ah, Frank, just in time
for your foot inspection.

I'm short ten toes
and their yours.

Forget it, twerp.

Watch it, Frank,
I read lips.

Gee, Mrs. Potter,
You just missed him.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

He just drove off with a nurse
to a village near here.

Oh, no, he's okay.

No, honest!

Yes, ma'am,
you could call him tomorrow
and ask him yourself.

Hey, uh, how's things
in Missouri?

What?

I-I'm sorry, ma'am,
I can't hear you.

There's too much
static on the--

Oh, it's okay.

No, even static
from home sounds good.

All right,
I'll talk to you then.

Bye.

What's cookin'?

Mrs. Potter.

She called all the way
from stateside.

You know, she had
a premonition that, uh,

something was happening
to the colonel.

My mother gets those.

She had a premonition about
the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

-She tell anybody?
-Nah.

She didn't get it
till December 9th.

And this, of course,
is our mess tent.

Tell the general,
I'd offer him dinner,

but as a doctor,
it's not for me to
endanger his health.

The general said that,
one day,

we should have a war in which
only cooks fight one another.

In that way, we could get
rid of the common enemy.

Tell him I agree.

Right this way, General.

I got ya!

I got him!
Get the M.P.'s!

Jump that one!
They always work in pairs!

Frank!
Frank, get off.

Frank, get off!

What are you doing?
I had him!

That's General Park
of the Army of the
Republic of South Korea.

South Korea?

I think his name translates
as Ashley Wilkes.

Is that south
enough for you?

Uh, General,
uh, I'm, uh,

sorry to have been so
rough on you, sir, and--

Very good.
Very good.

RADAR:
"Foot inspection feels like
it goes on forever, Ma.

"That's 'cause there's about
200 people in this unit,

"and with each one
having 10 toes,

"that's 20,000
toes to check."

-It's open.

-Good morning, Klinger.
-Hi.

How does this sound?

"Dear
President Eisenhower--

Sending away for seeds?

"Congratulations not only
on becoming president,

"but getting out of the Army
at the same time.

"If I thought
it'd work for me,

I'd run for the office
in a second."

Off with the shoes.

"When you go through
President Truman's mail,

"you will no doubt find
some letters I wrote

"describing
the mental condition
of my mind.

"I have deteriorated
even more down hill

"since I sent him
the picture of me

dressed only in combat boots
and a black garter belt."

-Right foot's fine.
-Check.

"As a former
big time officer,

"you will understand
how undesirable it is

"to have a weirdo like me
in the service."

Why is your
little toenail missing?

I put my pinky in
the pencil sharpener
at the draft board.

You did not!

When I lowered my pants,
there was a rose in my shorts.

"Return me to
my loved ones, sir,

"and my uncle,
who is very big in
certain circles,

will rub out anyone
you want at a discount."

Toes fine.
One nail missing and
one screw loose.

Frank, when am I gonna
inspect you?

Just keep your nose
out of my feet.

Well put.

Hey, guys!
Chuck me one!

Toss it here!

Well, give me
a little warning, will ya?

I'm ready.

Thank you, Father.

You have a lovely touch.

Never took a lesson.

I've often thought,
with your gentleness,

your compassion...

I believe you'd have
made a good priest.

I'm too crazy
about neckties.

How long have you had
these feet, Father?

Well, they were
original equipment.

Make a note of that.
Feet have only had one owner.

They're holding up
very well.

Must be all
the kneeling.

No doubt.

Where'd you get
this scar, Father?

Oh, that.
My sister bit my toe.

Your sister the nun?

Now, nun.
Then, angry child.

She has quite
an overbite.

Don't spread this around.

The other children
called her "Beaver."

That's mean.

We told her it was 'cause
she was such a good swimmer.

Well, no corns,
no fungus, no bunions.

Just a nun bite.

One nun bite.

Father.

Colonel Potter got
a hundred percent.

Wow!

RADAR: "You'd like
Captain Pierce, Ma.

"Least I think
you would.

"He's real smart,
but kind of crazy.

"I've seen him amputate
people's legs one minute,

"and then glue
Major Burns's boots to
two bedpans the next.

"Maybe things like that
got something to do with
each other.

"I don't know."

"To continue on
further, Ma,

"I'm really happy
about my pet,

"which I finally
got one.

"I sent away to
a mail order house
for a guinea pig,

"and he's doin' terrific.

"I named him Dopey,
after the Seven Dwarfs.

"Getting back to
Colonel Potter.

"Boy, talk about
your premonitions.

"Remember how old
Aunt Dorothy always knew

"something was
gonna happen

"whenever her
truss got warm?

"Well, Aunt Dorothy had
nothin' on Mrs. Colonel
Potter."

Halt!
Friend or foe?

Out of my way!
I'll run you down!

Pass, friend.

Klinger, on the double!
The colonel's been shot!

Sir, what happened?

A sniper got him
on the road.

Oh...
Please don't die, sir.

Buffalo chips.

There's other men got hit worse
that'll be in here soon.

I just bought one
in the old bucket,
that's all.

-Let's get some help.
-Yes, ma'am.

-Major?
-Shouldn't be a minute, sir.

You were very brave
back there.

-Very level-headed.
-Thank you, sir.

Mrs. Potter has
those qualities.

You couldn't ruffle
her feathers

if you hit her
with a brick.

What's all the
hoo-ha, Major?

Colonel Potter caught
some sniper fire.

Colonel, are you
all right?

No, I am not all right.

This sauce I'm sitting in
is my own blood,

and I'm so full of lead,

you could use me
for a doorstop!

Much pain?

My can's throbbin' two beats
faster than my heart.

KLINGER:
Here we go!

I'll get things started.

-All right.
-Good girl.

In the clinches,
which isn't a bad idea.

Colonel!

Colonel Potter,
are you all right?

-I'm all right, Radar.
-Somebody said you were dead!

Well, it wasn't me.

All I got was a night
deposit in my derriere.

We'll have you under
in a minute, Colonel.

Pig feathers!
You don't have
to knock me out.

Just shoot a
local in there.

I wanna watch you
characters work.

We'll give you
a rearview mirror.

A little higher, Radar.

-Yes, sir.
-Yeah, that's fine.

-HAWKEYE: Swab that, please.
-MARGARET: Yes, Doctor.

B.J.:
Stuff's in pretty deep.
It's gonna take awhile.

I got no place to go.

HAWKEYE:
What a unique device,
the human tush.

An architectural marvel.

One of a kind.

Actually, two of a kind.

Designed to support our weight
for a lifetime of sitting.

It also has the subtlety
to do the Samba.

And when attached
to certain members

of the female species,

at a time when light
summer dresses are worn,

can cause some of us
to drive our cars

straight up a lamppost.

Stop dawdling.

Dawdling?
I wax poetic, sir.

You're in luck.

There's a man from Hallmark
in the first row.

Colonel, I just heard!

I'm all right, Father.

-RADAR: He got shot in
the "derriere-y."

A little to the right
there, Hunnicutt.

I got it, Colonel.

KLINGER: Colonel!
It's your missus.

She's on the phone.

Oh, yeah.
She called before, sir.

She had a feeling
something happened to you.

She's always having
premonitions.

She listens to that crazy gypsy
who runs the fruit stand.

What should I tell her?
That you've been shot?

Don't say that!

The woman's got
enough trouble.

Having root canal,
no vertical hold on the TV,

and the scales
fell off her guppy.

What shall I tell her?

B.J.: Colonel,
if you're up to it,

we could string a line in here.

The phone won't
be sterile.

HAWKEYE:
Klinger, boil that phone.

B.J.: I like mine four
and a half minutes.

Let's go.

RADAR:
It'll be just
a minute, ma'am.

Uh, yeah, he's, um...

he's over at the
Officer's Club,

and someone's
using the line.

Right.

Oh, no, no.
He's okay, honest.

Um, I was sorry to
hear about your guppy.

Right. We had a parakeet
that ran away from home.

I don't know why.

Just took some seed
and his best bell

and we never
saw him again.

Oh, boy.
Okay.

Hold on for, uh,
Colonel Potter, ma'am.

I'm perfectly fine, Mother.

Yes, just as Radar said,
I'm at the Officer's Club.

I'll have another beer.

May I have the
next tango, Major?

Take it easy.
The woman's not a nitwit!

What's that, Mother?

Oh, I do respect
your premonitions.

Yes, it was you who said
my sister'd go bald.

Happily, you're wrong
this time, is all.

-That?

That was an olive pit.
Yes, dear.

-MULCAHY:
My goodness. More wounded!
-HAWKEYE: I'll finish up here.

-You take care of
the new people.
-B.J.: Right.

-HAWKEYE: Let's get Frank.
-B.J.: Right.

-Klinger.
-Sir!

-Get Major Burns.
-Yes, sir.

Now look, sugar, we're gonna
have to get off the phone,

in case the war
gets going again.

Take some aspirin,
get your vertical hold fixed,

and buy yourself
a new fish.

-B.J.:I wanna see the X rays.
-NURSE: Right away, Doctor.

-B.J.: Where's my gas passer?
-NURSE: I'll get him.

Affirmative, sweetheart.

Yes, I love you, too.

Goodbye, Mother.

Not a bad performance,
if I do say.

Especially when the star
has a slug in his butt.

B.J.: Well, well, well,
Sergeant Callan.

Small war, isn't it?

They got me again, Doc.

Uh-huh.

No sweat.

Can't get 'em to
stop shootin' at me.

How's the wife?

Oh, she's gonna have
her operation next week.

Thanks to you.

You're getting one right now,
thanks to me.

Hawk?

My watch salesman's back.

Uh-huh.

Am I really gonna
be all right, Doc?

I'll have you running as well
as that watch in no time.

Pass me the
rusty saw, please.

HAWKEYE:
One rusty saw, coming up.

RADAR:
"They were only kiddin', Ma.

"Our doctors are
really teriff.

"Except for Major Burns,
of course.

"Speaking of which,

"Captain Pierce
finally got to finish
his foot inspection

last night."

FRANK:
Are you people crazy?!

Foot inspection, Frank.
This is it.

Hold still.

Unclench your foot, Frank.

Touch my toes and
I'll have you killed,

then court-martialed!

Nail polish?

Frank!

Isn't that
Major Houlihan's color?

It was all in fun.

We were, uh,
discussing trench foot,

and-and then we got
a little silly.

You're not gonna put this
on my report, are you, Pierce?

I think you'll find I'm pretty
much all business, Frank.

"Burns, Frank, Major.

"Strange coloration
of all toenails,

"possibly due to combat action
with a hostile manicurist."

RADAR:
"Well, Ma, I guess it's
about time to sign off now.

"I'd better mail this letter
before Dopey eats it.

"If they gave me a penny
every time I thought about you,

"I guess I'd be makin'
about 100 bucks a week.

"Don't worry if
the war news is bad.

"I'm okay.

Love, Walter."