Original subtitles

-KLINGER: Potatoes? -RADAR: Yeah.

-Corn? -Yeah.

Hey, what's underneath that gravy there?

Only The Shadow knows, hmm?

I'll take some.

Keep eating this slop

and you'll get the purple tongue.

Think you've got enough to eat there, son?

I can always go back for more, sir.

Colonel, Major Burns has something to say.

POTTER: What is it?

He'd like you to start the meeting right away.

He has to be back on post-op duty in half an hour.

You're in very high voice today, Frank.

Maybe you should loosen your shorts.

Still suffering from incurable wisecracker-itis, eh, Pierce?

Right, Frank, the doctors have only given me

six months before I kill you.

All right, all right. We're supposed to be officers here.

Set an example, which is one reason

I've called this meeting. Radar, take notes.

Yes, sir.

If you haven't eaten your pencil.

First of all, let me say

I appreciate how tired you all are.

Unfortunately, until we find out what's causing this fever thing,

we're gonna have to keep working round the clock.

Any news from the lab at Seoul, Colonel?

Father Mulcahy's down there now on R&R.

Rest and resurrection.

I'm hoping he'll come back with some new info.

Meantime, we can expect more fever patients by tonight.

We're running out of beds now.

I'm for doubling up.

I bet.

I'm just that kind of guy.

Can I break in with a little trivia about the subject?

Doctor.

How do you deal with a disease that doesn't even have a name,

no antibiotics that work,

nothing we can do but supportive care?

Yeah, what ever happened to the good old days?

Artery transplants, re-secting intestines,

something we could sink our teeth into.

I guess all that went out with good taste, Frank.

There is one thing, just a hunch from H.Q.,

They think there's a possibility

the fever could be caused by rat-borne mites and fleas.

Has anyone noticed more rats hanging around

the camp lately?

Just the old couple that's building a family room

in my shaving kit.

I've seen rats around here the size of dogs.

I've even heard some complaining about people

running around their tent.

I want to establish a control officer

who will be responsible for all the rats on the base.

Volunteers?

POTTER: Very sporting, Pierce.

Not at all.

My friends, some men are born great,

others achieve greatness.

And others are destined to work with rats.

I would like to nominate someone who is eminently qualified.

A man who was born for this job.

A man who can look a rat in the eye and meet him on his own terms.

I give you Major Frank Burns.

Will anyone second this notion?

-B.J.: Here, here. -Thank you, but, uh,

I really can't accept.

Oh, I'm already in charge of rumor control.

-I've heard that. -Yeah.

I think if this assignment helps relieve the fever situation,

there ought to be some sort of promotion.

Maybe even a field mouse commission.

All right, all right, uh, but just remember--

Frank Burns did more than his share.

Also, morale has become a problem.

But I have something here

that I think might be helpful in picking people up.

It's a war department directive

for a soldier of the month contest.

Some lucky enlisted man

will get to spend six days in Tokyo.

Wow.

All you have to do is win the war

in 25 words or less.

Why can't they send all the guys over for six days?

And stop the fighting?

Have you ever seen a general in an unemployment office?

"Candidates will be judged on dress and deportment.

"Finalists will be given an oral quiz

on historical knowledge."

Announce this and have everyone bone up.

-Yes, sir. -The judge, by order of H.Q.,

will be Second-In-Command Major Burns.

I heard that.

You know, I've never been to Tokyo, sir.

But it sure has been a pet dream of mine,

ever since I was a tiny, little soldier.

Down, Radar.

Right.

I think this is an excellent directive.

Nothing is too good for the men.

I guess that's why they get so much of it.

Nice to see you come out in favor of the enlisted, Major.

Well, of course. I may be higher in rank,

but we all zip our pants the same way.

Why do I feel this meeting is over?

Dismissed.

At ease, soldier. You'll give yourself a concussion.

Oh, leave him alone. I find it refreshing

to see a salute around here for a change.

That goes double ditto for me.

These two get any more G.I.,

we'll have to start folding them at sunset.

Ma'am, don't strain your gut.

Thank you, Corporal.

Soldier of the month candidate, right?

Tie and everything.

Love the way you shined your nose.

You figure I got a chance with him?

I think he prefers blonds.

All right. Get moving, Corporal.

Stop standing there trying to sell a pup.

Yes, sir, Your Majorship.

Another fever case.

His temperature's very high.

He's got chills and a severe headache.

A thousand c.c.s? Who ordered this?

What's it to you, friend?

-Frank, don't you think maybe it's time -Hmm?

we started cutting down on fluids?

These men are thirsty, Dr. Nosenheimer.

I didn't have to study medicine for seven years

to know the prescription for thirst is water.

Yeah, but look at the kidney output.

He's taken in two liters today,

and he hasn't produced enough

to water Aunt Martha's petunias.

His kidneys have shut down, Frank.

Acute renal failure.

These men are dehydrated from the fever,

which is why we're giving them fluids

in the first place.

Well, even you understand that, don't you, Major?

You don't look at all well, Frank.

Well, you stay up all night slicing cheese for rat traps.

Pierce!

Now, that one's all right. His temperature's almost normal.

He's also in shock. Acute renal shutdown.

We gotta get both these guys to the 121st Hospital.

That's 50 miles away.

That's where the kidney machine is, Frank.

And they don't have a long cord.

-Sir? Hawkeye? -Thanks for the knighthood, Radar.

-Huh? -What is it?

Uh, Father Mulcahy's back from Seoul.

He says he's got news.

All right, good. Get us a chopper.

Tag these two for the 121st.

-Uh, right. -B.J.

Think you can handle things here, Frank?

I was suing people for payment

before you even thought of being a doctor.

It seems both the Japanese and the Russian soldiers

came down with this very same kind of fever,

same symptoms, everything,

in northern Manchuria during the late '30s.

Well, what was it, Father? What are we dealing with?

It was a Japanese-American,

uh, Nisei, who was going through

some old Japanese medical journals,

when he came across the name

"hemorrhagic fever,"

and he realized that we're dealing with the same thing.

The doctors then were just as perplexed as you are now.

Great, we know what to call it.

Only, we don't know how to cure it.

There isn't a cure.

The only treatment is common sense medicine.

Well, that leaves out Frank.

MULCAHY: Wait, wait. There's more.

"You must be very, very careful to restrict fluids."

You see, the fever often causes

the kidneys to shut down.

It seems that if enough fluids accumulate,

a man can actually drown in his own tissues.

Can you imagine that?

So we were right.

Thanks for the confirmation, Father.

Confirmation is my middle name.

Here's some letters from H.Q., sir.

Ah, yes, fan mail from the rear echelon.

Oh, good. Soldier of the Month quiz.

-And the answers. -Oh.

Yeah. I'd better put this in the company safe.

Combination, Radar?

Uh, your wife's measurements, sir.

Right.

42... 36... 42.

Been boning up on your history, Radar?

Uh, yes, sir.

It's just that there's so much to cover,

I'm not sure I'll learn it in time.

Well, perhaps I can help you.

What part have you gotten up to?

Um, just finished "Genesis," sir.

Can you tell me how long Adam and Eve were here before Columbus?

It's quite a long story, son.

Maybe after dinner.

I know it was at least 100 years,

'cause there was Indians here by then.

Sir, I hope you remember I did this for you

when the contest rolls around.

Oh, for Pete's sake, hurry up!

The truth is, sir, I'm not really crazy.

I only wore dresses so people would think that.

But I know I have to be sane to be soldier of the month,

so I'm telling you I am.

Unless, of course, you don't pick me,

in which case, I'm still nutsy Fagan,

and I never said one word of this.

Corporal, you're giving me a headache.

I'm sorry, sir.

Whew! Boy, this stuff's really barf-making.

You think the rats will go for it?

That happens to be my wife's fruitcake, Corporal,

of which you should be well-acquainted,

since you are one yourself!

Sir, you don't look well.

I mean, even less well than usual.

Get on with it, creepo.

Yes, sir.

-Frank? -Hmm?

What time does your pillow go into labor, Frank?

-KLINGER:

Did you get one?

That stupid thing just went off

and broke half my knuckles!

That does it! Contest or no contest,

I'm not pushin' any more of your traps!

You're trying to catch rats in this box, Frank?

Box?

This happens to be a finely-honed mechanism

which I invented myself.

Now watch.

The rat enters here, sees himself in the mirror,

which he mistakes for another rat.

Now this device swings down and taps him,

causing him to turn around to see who wants him.

When he does, whammo!

These steel knobs come down

and crack him right in the skull.

That's positively brilliant, Frank!

I bet by the time you're through,

a lot of rats are gonna need to be fitted for glasses.

And he called me a fruitcake!

Why don't you take this about 100 miles from here?

Start a rat resort.

Now what are you talking about?

If these buggers are causing the fever,

we've got to exterminate them.

Frank, it's the mites and the fleas on the rats

that could be causing the fever.

When the rats die,

the mites and fleas jump on us.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I mean, I've already carried a couple out to the trash.

And I didn't get any fleas.

I-I didn't feel well afterwards,

but-but-but I-I-I'm not sick.

I mean...

just because a person needs to faint...

Here we go.

Soldier of the Month questions and answers.

Come to Papa.

He used to be Albert Anastasia's doorman.

All's quiet in the nursery.

FRANK: Is that you, dear?

Frank.

Right here, Frank.

Let me sleep, okay?

It's your turn to take mother to the toilet.

Frank, it's us.

-Hi! -Hi, Frank.

Hi!

I'm so thirsty.

If you'd just loan me a teeny, tiny drop of water,

I promise to give it back.

We can't, Frank.

I think I've swallowed my lips.

If you drink too much water,

it builds up in your tissues.

And just between us and your kidneys,

they've had more than enough.

When they start to get rolling full force,

it'll be like barrel time at Niagara Falls.

You have a fever.

If I had two fevers,

I could give you change for a ten.

Go to sleep, Frank.

-I'll give you $10 for a drink of water. -We can't.

Try not to think about it.

You're the doctors.

I don't really like being one, you know.

I mean, I wouldn't mind being a doctor

if I didn't have to be around sick people.

People don't like being sick either, Frank.

My mother used to smack me when I got sick.

She used to smack me when I got well, too.

Just rest, Frank, and don't talk.

Oh, sure. I know.

You don't wanna talk to me.

Nobody ever did.

The only one who talked to me in high school

was the janitor.

He used to show me his pictures

of heavyweight champs.

He was the last person who liked me.

We like you, Frank.

Oh, you're just saying that

because you feel sorry for me.

Not at all. I haven't felt sorry for you

since we sewed up the legs on all your jockey shorts.

Oh, it's all right.

Now that I'm dying, you can fess up.

Do you really like me?

You're not really dying, Frank.

Do you?

Let me put it this way, Frank.

If we were the last two people left on earth,

I'd never forget to send you a Christmas card.

Real pals.

Can I share a secret with you?

It's up to you.

Promise you won't tell.

Cross our cardiograms.

Margaret and I... are dating.

Oh.

Number three, "Nathan Hale."

Nathan Hale.

Sure beats studying.

"Lewis and Clark."

Gentlemen.

Since your official judge, Major Burns,

is really not well, uh, I have been given

both the great privilege and dubious honor

of replacing him.

Uh, you may stand. Just take your seats.

HAWKEYE: My associate judge, Captain B.J. Hunnicutt,

who was instrumental in last year's selection

of Miss Junior Puberty and Miss Gutter Ball.

Thank you, fan.

"You are here to take this historical quiz

"because you have surpassed your colleagues

in dress and deportment."

How, we'll never know.

But that is not for small minds to ponder,

and Lord knows there are enough of those around.

B.J.: Got a new hair coming in, Klinger?

Sir, I have something to say.

I yield the floor to Miss Virgin Islands.

I hope the judges take into consideration,

I am presenting myself in full uniform,

right down to my underwear,

which, for the first time since I've been in the service,

is of the correct kind for a person

of my sex and/or gender.

Sit down.

Let's get on with it before I forget what I learned.

Shouldn't be too hard for you, pea-brain.

Hey.

Strike those two from Miss Congeniality.

Now, "name this country's first president,

"and the city in which he took the oath of office."

Oh, I know. I know!

-Quiet, will ya? I can't think. -Ooh, sir!

B.J: Radar.

Uh, um, George Washington.

He was the first, and, uh, he had wooden teeth.

Right. And every time he told a lie,

they chopped one out.

And he was sworn in in New York.

Very good.

Half point for Klinger, half point for Radar.

I knew that.

Now, "what famous symbol of American freedom

"has a crack in it?"

And it is not General MacArthur's head.

A crack in it.

Sir! The Liberty Bell!

HAWKEYE: Very good, Radar.

-Whew! -HAWKEYE: Uh, Sergeant Zale.

"Many of the settlers who came to California in 1848

"were searching for what?"

Palm trees. How the hell do I know?

I'm from Brooklyn.

Igor.

I thought there were gonna be refreshments here.

Wrong. And now back to our acrobat, Klinger.

I lost track, sir.

Do I have to answer that one, sir?

If you can.

Uh, what number question is that, sir?

I dunno. I'm mixing 'em up.

You can't do that, sir.

I learned history from the beginning.

Next question.

-Margaret? -Right here.

Oh, you're the only one who really cares.

-Yes. -Just you and my wife.

Don't press me, Frank.

I want you two to be friends.

After I'm gone, you can both work

on the Frank Burns Memorial together.

Don't talk that way. You're not going anywhere.

-I'm not going to die? -You're not going to die.

Oh.

Frank, have you made out a will?

Will? Why do I need a will if I'm not going to die?

Everybody has to die sometime, Frank.

Well, you'd think they'd give officers a break.

You ought to dictate a will to Father Mulcahy.

Not that you're not all right.

But just in case something happens,

and you don't get to stay all right...

for much longer.

Margaret...

if I should go before you,

look for me when you get there.

I'll be waiting for you on the other side.

Frank.

Oh, darling.

But if I'm standing with my wife,

pretend you don't know me.

Nathan Hale, sir.

"I regret that I have but one life to give to my country."

Correct.

And obviously the man never worked on a draft board.

Another point for Radar.

He's coming up on the outside.

Hey, when you gonna get to some capitals?

I know all the state capitals.

I'll show ya.

Ask me the capital of Cleveland.

-Klinger. "What famous Civil War hero said,

'Damn the torpedoes. Full steam ahead?'"

And please try to answer with, uh, less

than the seven basic ballet movements.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

Tugarraf.

-Tugarraf?

That's Farragut. He said it backwards.

Aha! True or false:

you can reach the high notes of "The Star-Spangled Banner"

by standing on your toes.

That ain't part of the test.

Yes, but how did you know?

He's cheating!

-He's got the answers written all over him! -I am not.

Those are tattoos. Leave me alone.

No wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.

Let me say my capitals.

-Dover, Delaware.

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Uh, New York, New York!

Major Burns has decided to make out his will.

Will you listen, Father?

Gracious, I didn't even know he was dying.

Oh, he isn't, no.

It's just a precautionary measure.

Oh. But he does have the fever.

And a person is supposed to be of sound mind.

Oh, it's okay, Father.

I don't think my mind was any sounder when I was well.

Call if you need anything, Major.

Uh, are you sure you feel up to this, Frank?

The only thing I really feel up to is dying.

I see.

Well, uh, if you're ready...

My car, my house,

all the money I buried in my backyard

goes to the only woman who ever really cared,

ever really understood,

my wife, Louise.

She'll have to thaw out the map.

It's inside some ground chuck in the basement freezer.

And my savings account passbook number

is in the same bottle as my appendix.

Appendix, hmm.

A-Anything else?

To my children,

all profits from my prescription kickbacks.

These are recorded in my red ledger.

Not the blue one that I show to the government.

And finally...

to Major Margaret Houlihan...

my friend, my comrade...

my little soldier...

I leave all my clothes.

POTTER: I'm very proud of you, Radar.

Me too, sir.

And I want you to have the best six days of your life.

I'm ready for 'em, sir.

-Got plenty of cash? -Oh, yes, sir.

Clean clothes, toothbrush?

Oh, I'll buy a new one in Tokyo.

I broke mine last month.

Well, they have 'em there.

Are you sure, Frank?

-I haven't been in six days. -I know.

I feel like my cork's going to pop.

Wish me luck.

Frank, it's only the latrine.

You're not a test pilot going up.

I'll be right outside if you need me.

His first trip?

His temperature was back to normal this morning.

He owes his life to you two.

I don't know if we can live with that.

First time in a big town, Radar?

Yes, sir.

Lots of girls there just waiting for soldiers.

A young man should know how to protect himself.

Oh, I'll be okay, sir. I studied karate.

Well, have a good time.

Thank you very much, sir.

Hey, Frank, how's it goin' in there?

Well, I think that's about as clever

as anything I've ever heard him say.

-Frank? -Speak up, Frank,

or we'll nail that shut and send you home in it.

FRANK: Can't a person have a little private?

I think he's broken the four-minute private.

-Terrific, Frank. -Congratulations.

How do you feel?

Hey!

How about a salute here, soldier?

I'm still a major, even though you can't see

my clusters in this robe.

And put out that cigarette,

field strip it and police the entire area!

-He's better. -I feel great.

-Are you sure? -First-rate, tip-top.

Then would you step this way, please, Major?

Oh.

Well, Margaret, what is it?

The next time you give your clothes away,

give 'em to somebody your own size!

Frank, what happened?

She hit me! Right on the chin.

How'd she find it?

-Why'd she hit you? -I don't know.

Come on home, Frank.

Yeah, with people who really love you.

I almost died, you know.

Well, we did our best, Frank.

Major Burns seems back in shape.

Here's an anonymous letter snitching on three nurses.

-That's our fault. -We recreated a monster.

-Yep. -MAN: Colonel Potter?

That's right.

Got a package for you, sir.

Oh, hi.

-The charges. -Charges?

Drunk and disorderly?

Radar, you've never been drunk before.

It sort of made me disorderly, sir.

You tried to drink the ink at a tattoo parlor?

Swam 50 laps

in an eight foot bath house tub?

I'll look after this. Thank you.

Yes, colonel.

Take care, Leonard. Give my best to your wife.

-Radar. Radar.

Our Soldier of the Month.

How can we ever stay in the contest?

You're right. I'd be tough to follow.

Whoo.

Hey, Sherm, do you know where

a guy could get a drink around here?

Seems I can't even wink.