Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:28,914 --> 00:01:31,003
What's that step
you're doing, Radar?
2
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:32,744
You'll have to ask
Nurse Kellye, sir.
3
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:33,963
She's leading.
4
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:39,360
Another thrilling
night of festivity
5
00:01:39,403 --> 00:01:41,057
in South Korea.
6
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,798
Hawkeye, if you
had your choice,
7
00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:45,105
where would you like
to be tonight?
8
00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:46,454
In the whole world,
Father?
9
00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:47,629
Uh-huh.
10
00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:50,197
Back in my tent
shaving my corns.
11
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,068
Why don't you go do it?
12
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,852
I'm saving it
for the holidays.
13
00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:57,204
Bartender!
14
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:59,380
A man comes off
a dusty cattle drive,
15
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:00,729
can't even get a drink.
16
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:01,991
Coming, sir.
17
00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:04,602
Just keep moving.
I'll catch up.
18
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:07,562
You're new around here,
ain't you, fella?
19
00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:09,955
You better smile
when you say that.
20
00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:12,741
Come on.
21
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,222
Come on!
22
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:19,965
Say, ain't you
the new schoolmarm?
23
00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:22,185
-Yes, sir.
-You want to fight?
24
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,448
I would, sir, but I have
such delicate features.
25
00:02:24,492 --> 00:02:25,841
Uh-huh.
26
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:28,191
Ah, this mad, gay nightlife.
27
00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:34,241
I think I'll get into
my plaid knickers,
28
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:37,331
wind up the '32 Packard,
29
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,115
and run up to Newport
30
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,030
for croquet
with the Vanderbilts.
31
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:46,427
Writing home again?
That's your third
letter this week.
32
00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,385
Only way
I can keep my sanity.
33
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:49,952
If you want sanity,
you can have mine.
34
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,388
God knows,
I'm not using it.
35
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:57,307
Radar, do you do the Peabody?
36
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,048
Not while I'm dancing, sir.
37
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,400
Farewell, you mad fools!
38
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:05,968
I'll be in my tent having a
martini with a lizard.
39
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,320
You can really go
out of your skull here, Peg.
40
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:13,280
There's just nothing to do
when you're not working.
41
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:15,586
I remember reading
Justice Holmes.
42
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:18,328
He said, "War
is an organized bore."
43
00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:21,070
Which brings me
to Major Frank Burns,
44
00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:23,028
not one of our best doctors.
45
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:25,030
Hawkeye says he
became a surgeon
46
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:27,729
after he washed out
at embalmers school.
47
00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:29,383
This morning,
he was operating
48
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:31,080
on a kid named Davis,
49
00:03:31,123 --> 00:03:32,821
and I was the
anesthesiologist.
50
00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:35,040
Sometimes you have
to double in gas here.
51
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,304
More suction, nurse.
Come on, stop daydreaming!
52
00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:39,436
You're there to assist
the doctor, Lieutenant.
53
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,699
Give her a doctor, Margaret,
she'll assist him.
54
00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:43,266
-Frank?
-Hmm.
55
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,789
Pulse is weakening,
blood pressure dropping.
56
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,269
Well, I'm doing
everything I can.
57
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:48,663
This soldier's a mess.
Gee williewockers!
58
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:49,925
Sewer mouth.
59
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,666
Why must you ride him?
60
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,103
I'll stop soon.
I only paid for an hour.
61
00:03:54,146 --> 00:03:56,975
-No pulse.
-Well, then that's that.
62
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,629
What do you mean,
that's that? Do something!
63
00:03:58,673 --> 00:04:00,196
He didn't have
a chance anyway.
64
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,415
You can't just give up!
65
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:04,069
Have you no respect
for the dead?
66
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:06,202
Cover the belly, Kellye.
Bag him, Frank!
67
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,291
You're not supposed
to tell me what to do.
68
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,250
Bag.
69
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,816
Try open heart massage.
70
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,165
We can do it closed.
71
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:14,558
I saw it done back
in the States. Bag!
72
00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:15,907
Good. I'd rather
not open his chest.
73
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:17,344
Bag him once
every five beats.
74
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:18,780
You're going over
my head, Hunnicutt!
75
00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:20,434
Everything's over
your head, Frank.
76
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:22,305
Bag!
77
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:23,959
Nothing. Hah!
78
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,743
Come on, you! Come on!
79
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,179
Come on! Come on!
80
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:28,485
Enjoying your dramatics?
81
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:29,791
Bag!
82
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,056
Bag!
83
00:04:38,321 --> 00:04:40,062
Hey, I'm getting a pulse.
84
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:44,632
Good.
85
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:47,722
Better.
86
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:50,551
It's going.
87
00:04:50,594 --> 00:04:51,943
Another unit
of whole blood.
88
00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:53,336
Getting stronger.
89
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,903
-Good work, Doctor.
-Thank you.
90
00:04:54,946 --> 00:04:56,861
Well, I'm not gonna
forget this, Hunnicutt.
91
00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:58,646
He did save
the patient, Major.
92
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,387
It was the way
he did it.
93
00:05:02,911 --> 00:05:05,261
5:00 in the morning, Peg.
94
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,003
I was worried about Davis,
so I'm keeping tabs on him.
95
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:10,310
He's still pretty much
up for grabs.
96
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,487
Mornin', Doc.
97
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,010
Klinger.
98
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,359
How's he doin'?
99
00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,143
Hanging in.
100
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,494
Know anything
about dreams, Doc?
101
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:23,061
I only know I wish
I were having one right now.
102
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,976
I had one last night.
103
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,500
I was holding this paper
104
00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:29,938
that said "Klinger is
hereby declared nuts.
105
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,940
Signed, Colonel Potter."
106
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:34,246
I was saying good-bye
to everybody.
107
00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:36,597
I even clipped a curl
of my hair off my chest
108
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,338
for Major Houlihan
to keep in her watch.
109
00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:42,037
She kissed me
right on the mouth.
110
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,736
Next thing I know, I'm in
San Francisco. Sprung! Free!
111
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:48,348
There's this big parade.
Four bands.
112
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:51,089
People carrying a banner
that says "Klinger's nuts!"
113
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:52,526
Shh.
114
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:57,095
Then I'm in Toledo
with my loved ones.
115
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:58,967
And I own a delicatessen.
116
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:02,187
Eight tables.
Individual relish jars.
117
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:04,407
You'll never guess
who the waitress is.
118
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,278
Major Houlihan.
119
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,629
And she's still got
my hair in her watch,
120
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:11,719
pinned on a
see-through blouse.
121
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:13,111
What does that mean, Doc?
122
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:17,942
Well, it just might mean
123
00:06:17,986 --> 00:06:19,248
that you wanna go home.
124
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,728
I knew it.
125
00:06:20,771 --> 00:06:22,120
With Major Houlihan.
126
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,078
Yecch!
127
00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,342
Good morning,
B.J., Klinger.
128
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,648
-Father.
-Father.
129
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,171
-The same?
-Uh-huh.
130
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:31,521
Oh, this dreadful war.
131
00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:33,480
The waste. The waste.
132
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,438
You gonna stick around
a few minutes, doc?
133
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:36,657
Yeah.
134
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,136
I'm gonna grab
some breakfast.
135
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:39,834
I won a real egg in
a poker game last night.
136
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,139
Lucky devil.
137
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,751
Uh, just a figure
of speech.
138
00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:47,668
No change.
139
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:50,714
You seem jumpy, Father.
140
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,281
Would you like
a little phenobarb?
141
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,891
Maybe 16 milligrams?
142
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:56,111
I'd prefer a few
milligrams of prayer.
143
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:57,721
The guys giving
you static?
144
00:06:57,765 --> 00:07:00,071
The static is
coming from higher up.
145
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:01,595
The Lord teed off at you?
146
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:03,379
Oh, God forbid.
147
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,687
No. Actually,
the difficulty lies
148
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:09,603
between the Lord
and the troops.
149
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:13,041
Colonel Maurice Hollister,
Divisional Chaplain.
150
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:14,738
I don't know him.
151
00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:16,958
They call him Attila
the Hun of chaplains.
152
00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,656
He's coming here
this afternoon
153
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:22,442
to inspect me and the
operations of my flock.
154
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:25,749
Don't sweat it.
Hawkeye says you're the best
chaplain in the business.
155
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,490
Did he really
say that about me?
156
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:28,535
Mm-hmm.
157
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,060
That crazy agnostic.
158
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:36,064
Do you need me, B.J.?
159
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:37,631
Not till Sunday.
160
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,416
Ah, if you do, I'll be
ironing my cassock.
161
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,639
I'd better iron
my underwear, too.
162
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,554
Hollister's very thorough.
163
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,774
Oh, the noise.
The people.
164
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,080
B.J. What happened?
165
00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,647
Klinger ate a fresh egg.
166
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,344
I just wrote
that to Peggy.
167
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:56,606
I wouldn't try.
168
00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:57,999
It loses so much
in translation.
169
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:02,743
He had it poached
170
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:06,529
on a piece of toast
freshly baked in 1945.
171
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:07,922
For a second, it brought
back the atmosphere
172
00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:09,401
of gracious dining
at Nedick's
173
00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:10,664
in Grand Central Station.
174
00:08:13,231 --> 00:08:14,711
I'm starved.
175
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,017
You got any of that cake
your wife sent you?
176
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:17,061
Yeah, sure.
177
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:27,332
Elizabeth Taylor
married somebody
178
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,247
whose name
begins with N-I.
179
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:30,640
-N-I?
-Nixon!
180
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:33,295
Elizabeth Taylor married
our Vice President.
181
00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:34,688
Nicky Hilton.
182
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:36,820
Nicky Hilton's our
Vice President now?
183
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:40,563
Here you go.
184
00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:41,912
They also serve
who stay at home
185
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,479
and bake cakes
for us to drink.
186
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,786
Hey, it's Peg's first
overseas package.
187
00:08:47,788 --> 00:08:49,877
Would you believe
that's Annie Get Your Gun?
188
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,879
I had no idea
Ethel Merman was so tall.
189
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,101
Chocolate Jockey shorts?
190
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,626
The Hershey bars
melted on 'em.
191
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,366
MAN :
Attention, all personnel.
192
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,804
At 1330 hours, we'll
be holding the finals
193
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,545
of the cockroach race
time trials.
194
00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:06,676
You going?
195
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,548
Nah, people who go
to those things
196
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,985
only want to see
a cockroach crash.
197
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:14,031
Hawkeye just came in.
198
00:09:14,075 --> 00:09:16,033
He loved your cake.
199
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:18,253
He's really one of a kind,
our Hawkeye.
200
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,603
Finest kind, as he says.
201
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,605
Without him, I think
we'd all go nuts.
202
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,781
This morning,
he read inLife magazine
203
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,435
where students at Cal Tech
204
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:29,003
squeezed 15 people
into a Volkswagen.
205
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:30,918
Hawkeye thought we could
beat the record.
206
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:34,530
Nobody breathe for
the next ten minutes!
207
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,099
Let's have
no groping, please.
208
00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:40,362
All gropers will
report to my tent,
209
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,277
and right after that,
the gropees.
210
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,539
Come on, get inside.
211
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,845
We're trying to
make a record.
212
00:09:44,888 --> 00:09:46,629
Okay, Gage, you're next.
Climb in.
213
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,544
Oh, I don't want to.
I'm shy.
214
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,372
Shy, shmy! Come on!
215
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,548
For the glory
of the 4077.
216
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,506
The cover of
Lifemagazine.
217
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,552
-All those bodies.
-Come on, come on.
218
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,249
Here comes
Lieutenant Gage.
219
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:01,905
All right, you guys.
Lie at attention!
220
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,301
This is completely against
military regulations!
221
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:07,694
Wholly unauthorized!
222
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:09,260
You have some of
my nurses in there.
223
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:11,219
I'll rinse 'em off
before I return 'em.
224
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:12,612
Come on,
squeeze in, Major.
225
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:13,830
We got plenty of room.
226
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:16,006
This is completely
beneath me.
227
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:18,139
I was hoping for
that spot myself.
228
00:10:18,182 --> 00:10:21,795
We'll see what Colonel Potter
has to say about this!
229
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:23,710
All right,
how many we got here?
230
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:25,233
-Count off.
-ALL: One!
231
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,324
Fine. All we need
is 15 more.
232
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,673
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
233
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,283
I have to take
the picture!
234
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,545
Wait a minute.
235
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,418
How 'bout
V.D. films, Radar?
236
00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,202
Is the one we've
got adequate?
237
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,682
I don't know, sir.
238
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,466
Every time it's shown,
I faint.
239
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:44,687
Must be okay, then.
240
00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:47,951
Why don't we order
Trench Foot Through
the Ages
241
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,518
and The Bleeding
Gum Story?
242
00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,085
That'll make a good
double feature.
243
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:52,782
Yes, sir,
I'll order those.
244
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,305
Let's see,
there's one other...
245
00:10:54,349 --> 00:10:55,785
-Come.
246
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:01,661
I caught this Korean woman
247
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,271
trying to take
one of the jeeps, sir.
248
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:06,056
I'll handle it,
Sergeant.
249
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,449
Sit down, madam.
250
00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:09,146
Well, I guess I'll order--
251
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:11,148
Why don't you go and order
those films, Radar?
252
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,721
What's the big idea,
Klinger?
253
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,462
How'd you know?
254
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:23,595
Korean women are not
noted for hairy knuckles.
255
00:11:23,639 --> 00:11:25,641
Sir, I can't take it
anymore. I can't!
256
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,295
I'll do anything
to prove I'm not fit.
257
00:11:27,338 --> 00:11:28,862
I'll-I'll wet my bed.
258
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,473
I'll wet your bed!
I'll wet the whole camp!
259
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:34,041
Now, son, none of us
wants to be here.
260
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,303
I don't want to be here.
261
00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:36,783
Radar doesn't
want to be here.
262
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:38,306
The doctors, the nurses.
263
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:40,308
Certainly the wounded
don't want to be here.
264
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,310
But we've got
to do our best.
265
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:43,659
Understand, son?
266
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,095
I'm trying.
267
00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:46,793
Then get your butt
in high gear
268
00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:48,011
and get back to work!
269
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,404
Is that your last offer?
270
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,579
You got it! Out!
271
00:11:50,622 --> 00:11:51,580
Yes, sir.
272
00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:56,541
-Colonel, can I see you? -Do I
have a choice?
273
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:58,674
It's about Captain Pierce.
274
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,197
He sew up your fly again?
275
00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:03,200
-No, sir.
-He spit at you?
276
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,681
He's stuffing a bunch
of personnel into a jeep.
277
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,118
Something about setting
a world's record.
278
00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:10,817
He's a pistol.
279
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,950
Burns, can't you see
Pierce is just trying
to boost morale?
280
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,474
Well, my morale is fine.
I love it here.
281
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:21,044
Either you or Klinger is nuts.
282
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:22,742
Now I've got to figure out
which one.
283
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:25,657
Okay, come on, Major.
284
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:26,920
Just one more
and we'll have a record.
285
00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:29,096
-Yeah, come on! -Come on.
286
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,488
Come on. Lifemagazine.
287
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:32,099
Yeah!
288
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,582
Will you photograph
my best side?
289
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,149
Absolutely.
290
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,066
All right, I'm gonna
set the timer.
291
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:45,068
Now get ready.
292
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,940
Okay, okay.
Get back, get back!
293
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:48,376
Say cheese.
294
00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:50,378
ALL: Cheese!
295
00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:07,569
Hollister, Maurice.
296
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,353
Colonel. Division Chaplain.
297
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,008
Pierce, Captain.
Band vocalist.
298
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:14,837
That's, uh, quite a crowd
you've got in there.
299
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,230
World's record.
300
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,365
Colonel Hollister.
301
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,367
Ah, yes, uh,
Major Hooligan.
302
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:24,629
Houlihan.
303
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,283
♪ Harrigan, that's me
304
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,243
You okay, Gates?
305
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,201
Uh, can I get a hernia?
306
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:33,073
Of course.
But rent one first.
307
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:34,857
See if you really
like it.
308
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:36,816
Get that
circulation going.
309
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:39,470
And remember, you're champions,
each and every one of you.
310
00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:43,823
Captain? This, uh,
activity, the morality,
311
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:46,651
did Father Mulcahy
approve of all this?
312
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:48,436
Why don't you ask him
yourself, Reverend?
313
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:55,095
Colonel Hollister.
314
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:56,792
Father Mulcahy.
315
00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:00,927
Lord have mercy.
316
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:09,631
♪ Amazing grace
317
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:13,243
♪ How sweet the sound
318
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:16,899
♪ That saved a wretch
319
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:19,902
♪ Like me
320
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:24,037
♪ I once was lost
321
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,779
♪ But now am found
322
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:31,566
♪ Was blind but now
323
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:34,961
♪ I see
324
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,353
Lovely.
325
00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:37,833
♪ Lovely
326
00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:43,099
Ahem.
327
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:46,581
I have a few announcements
before the benediction.
328
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:50,585
For the upcoming
Passover celebration,
329
00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,761
for those of
the Jewish faith,
330
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:55,111
Private Weintraub
will attempt to bake
331
00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:57,461
some unleavened
bread on a rock,
332
00:14:57,505 --> 00:15:00,247
much in the same way
as Private Moses--
333
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,685
uh, much in the same way
334
00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:05,556
that Moses did.
335
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,081
Would you all stand for
the benediction, please?
336
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:13,825
And now, may the Lord
bless us all and keep us.
337
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:14,957
Amen.
338
00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,480
ALL: Amen.
339
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:25,402
Father Mulcahy,
that has to be
340
00:15:25,446 --> 00:15:27,883
one of the finest services
I've ever attended.
341
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,363
Why, thank you, sir.
342
00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:31,017
Excellent service,
Chaplain.
343
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:32,932
Excellent.
I really enjoyed it.
344
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:35,238
-Sensational, Father! -Oh.
345
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,371
-You're ready to
play the Vatican.
-Oh, my.
346
00:15:37,414 --> 00:15:39,068
-Aces, Father.
-Thank you.
347
00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:40,722
That was really neat,
348
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,985
especially that scary part
about going to hell.
349
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:44,421
Colonel, your presence
here today
350
00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:46,162
was a first-rate inspiration.
351
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:49,426
I get chills in the presence
of a real spiritual leader.
352
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,341
Thank you, Majors.
353
00:15:51,385 --> 00:15:54,170
I, uh, gather you're
regular churchgoers.
354
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:55,476
-Oh, yes!
-Oh, yeah.
355
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:56,999
It's a great place
to kill an hour.
356
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,696
Well, we better
scoot along.
357
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,611
Uh, there's no Sabbath
for the second in command.
358
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,439
Nor for the head nurse.
359
00:16:02,483 --> 00:16:05,007
God appreciates
your responsibilities.
360
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,704
-Ah.
-He's a good person.
361
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:07,879
Major.
362
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:12,667
Well, sir, it seemed
to go rather smoothly.
363
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:13,929
Didn't it?
364
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,801
So does wallpaper
paste, Father.
365
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:19,369
You never once had them
in the palm of your hand.
366
00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:22,068
You've got to
grab these people.
367
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,200
You're God's messenger
in this camp.
368
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,333
Sir, I deliver--
369
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,683
Many a business
has gone bankrupt
370
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:31,164
with the motto
"We Deliver."
371
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:34,515
You've got to take these
people by the hand, Father.
372
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:37,126
You just got to reach out
and take them by the hand,
373
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,998
each and every one,
374
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,000
from the lowliest
private here
375
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,915
right up there to
Captain Harry S. Truman,
376
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:45,439
You've got
to guide them.
377
00:16:45,482 --> 00:16:47,876
You've got to lead them!
Oh, yes!
378
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,312
Oh, yes!
You've got to be the one!
379
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:51,749
You've got to be
the drum major
380
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:54,404
that leads this band
right into
381
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:56,928
the valley
of blessedness!
382
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:59,366
You have to use that
voice of yours, Father,
383
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,542
as a cry into
the wilderness!
384
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:03,457
Follow me! You see?
385
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,893
Follow me!
386
00:17:04,936 --> 00:17:06,460
Lead the attack, Father,
387
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:10,768
with a Bible in one hand
and a sword in the other!
388
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,553
Hallelujah!
389
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,513
Did I write you
about Colonel Potter
390
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:18,863
wanting to train Koreans
to work in the wards?
391
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,170
First step was
to teach them English.
392
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:24,608
Do you have a fever?
393
00:17:24,652 --> 00:17:28,743
ALL: Do you have a fever?
394
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:34,401
I will get the doctor.
395
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:38,753
I will get the doctor.
396
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,365
Better dead than Red.
397
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:45,455
Better dead than Red.
398
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:48,980
-Ha! Now we're
getting somewhere!
399
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:51,722
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
400
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:54,377
Get us out of the U.N.
401
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:59,861
Get us out of the U.N.
402
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:03,473
Don't contaminate our drinking
water with fluoridation.
403
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,824
Don't contaminate our--
404
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,435
Mairzy doats
and dozy doats
405
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,263
and liddle lamzy divey.
406
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:13,962
Mairzy doats
and dozy doats and--
407
00:18:14,005 --> 00:18:16,269
Well, you sure took
your sweet time relieving me.
408
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:19,054
I've been here an hour.
We made progress.
409
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,274
I can tell. You've got
a Korean accent.
410
00:18:21,317 --> 00:18:22,579
Stink fishpot!
411
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:24,407
Stink fishpot.
412
00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:31,153
Okay, boys.
413
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,895
Notre Dame is
six points behind.
414
00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,984
We got a whole
half a game to play,
415
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:37,942
and we're gonna
beat Army!
416
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,163
All right, I'm sorry.
417
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:44,035
I will-- I will...
418
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:45,863
I will.
419
00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,126
Get...
420
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,344
Get.
421
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:50,041
The nurse.
422
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:51,434
The nurse.
423
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:54,176
I will get the nurse.
424
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:57,266
I will get the nurse.
425
00:18:57,310 --> 00:19:00,182
Good. Frank Burns
eats worms.
426
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:03,664
Frank Burns eats worms.
427
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:07,885
I've looked back
on this letter
428
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:09,365
and discovered
it's been two pages
429
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:10,932
since I told you
how much I love you.
430
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,586
It's two pages later now,
431
00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:14,979
and I love you even more.
432
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:17,721
Colonel Hollister is running
Father Mulcahy ragged.
433
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,202
I'm sure Hollister believes
God is regular army.
434
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,248
They just went into post-op.
435
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:25,207
Private Davis is our worst
case at the moment, Colonel.
436
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,209
We're having a very
difficult time with him:
437
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,777
massive trauma, and he's
very slow coming back.
438
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,866
Poor fellow.
439
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:34,608
You know, his father
runs the last pony ride
440
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,914
at Palisades Park,
in New Jersey.
441
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:39,874
After the service,
he plans to go into ponies,
442
00:19:39,917 --> 00:19:41,005
God willing.
443
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,920
Davis, huh?
Davis. Ah.
444
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:45,271
P-- He's a Protestant.
445
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:48,926
A lot of your, uh,
Davises are J's, you know.
446
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:51,929
I had one here last year
who was a C.
447
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:53,583
There are exceptions,
of course.
448
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,455
Have you written the
lad's parents, Father?
449
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:56,717
If you'll excuse us, Colonel.
450
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,022
I have to change his dressing.
451
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,942
Nice touch.
452
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:11,035
I'm not sure a letter's the
best course just now, sir.
453
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:12,428
Take my word for it.
454
00:20:12,472 --> 00:20:14,604
Write to the
young man's parents.
455
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,476
Well, it's always been
my policy to wait
456
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:18,173
until the patients
become stable.
457
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,870
Nonsense.
That boy's going
to pull through.
458
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,350
Now, what you've
got to do,
459
00:20:21,394 --> 00:20:23,874
you've got to marry that
thought to an action.
460
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:26,007
You write a good, strong
affirmative letter.
461
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:28,139
-Mention the donkeys. -The
ponies.
462
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:31,055
It seems wrong to get
their hopes up and then--
463
00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:33,406
-Well, God forbid, what if--
-Lieutenant Mulcahy,
464
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:35,277
I want to see a first
draft of the letter
465
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,497
before 1800 hours.
466
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,542
It's now 1400 hours.
467
00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:41,370
I've got to take
my milk of magnesia
468
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:42,676
and do three pushups.
469
00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:49,639
I realize supply
requisitions in this area
470
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:51,337
are difficult to fill,
471
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:54,775
but the situation has been
getting steadily worse.
472
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:57,821
We order rectal thermometers,
we get spark plugs.
473
00:20:57,865 --> 00:21:01,172
Both useful articles,
but hardly interchangeable.
474
00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:03,479
Get with it, Supply.
475
00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:06,221
Sir, do you want
one or two exclamation
points after that?
476
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,527
Make it three.
477
00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:09,093
Boy, you really are mad.
478
00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:10,443
Kindness don't
feed the bulldog.
479
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:13,794
Now what?
480
00:21:13,837 --> 00:21:15,143
Caught this man
walking into the stream
481
00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:16,623
seven miles down
the road, Colonel.
482
00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:18,625
I would've made it if
they hadn't nailed me.
483
00:21:18,668 --> 00:21:19,930
Had it all figured!
484
00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:21,323
Downstream
to the Inchon River,
485
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:23,020
then out to
the Sea of Japan,
486
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,544
and then
to the Golden Gate!
487
00:21:24,587 --> 00:21:25,762
You'd have drowned.
488
00:21:25,806 --> 00:21:27,024
No chance, sir!
489
00:21:29,592 --> 00:21:32,552
-There! Look at that!
-Oh, boy!
490
00:21:35,076 --> 00:21:36,947
Klinger! Klinger!
491
00:21:36,991 --> 00:21:38,297
Good letter, Father.
492
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:40,516
Positive, affirmative,
hopeful.
493
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:42,605
I liked the way you
worked the ponies in.
494
00:21:42,649 --> 00:21:44,259
It wasn't difficult, sir.
495
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,740
I just started
a new paragraph.
496
00:21:46,783 --> 00:21:48,089
I still think
I should've waited
497
00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:50,352
until the boy is more
stable, however.
498
00:21:50,396 --> 00:21:52,746
Tommyrot. Forge ahead.
499
00:21:54,574 --> 00:21:58,273
It's your straggler who
misses the Lord's streetcar.
500
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:01,755
!¡Vaya con Dios!
501
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:06,716
Father!
502
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,109
Father Mulcahy,
503
00:22:08,152 --> 00:22:09,502
have you seen
Captain Pierce anywhere?
504
00:22:09,545 --> 00:22:11,417
I believe he mentioned
Nurse Shibetta.
505
00:22:11,460 --> 00:22:13,897
He was gonna share
a spicy salami with her.
506
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:15,377
She's Italian, you know.
507
00:22:15,421 --> 00:22:16,900
One of the patients
is in bad trouble.
508
00:22:16,944 --> 00:22:18,728
-Who?
-Private Davis.
509
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:20,295
Oh, I best see
if I can help.
510
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,341
-Better get Captain Pierce.
-Yes, sir.
511
00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,995
Gee, I hate to
interrupt his salami.
512
00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:26,432
-Temperature?
-103.
513
00:22:26,475 --> 00:22:27,868
I've seen higher.
514
00:22:27,911 --> 00:22:29,783
Sure. Philadelphia in August.
515
00:22:29,826 --> 00:22:32,046
Klinger, hurry up
with that X-ray!
516
00:22:33,787 --> 00:22:35,354
What about the latest
urine specimen?
517
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:36,659
Bugs and blood.
518
00:22:36,703 --> 00:22:38,357
-White count?
-19,000.
519
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,141
Peritonitis.
520
00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:41,969
Someone must've missed
a hole in the bowel.
521
00:22:42,012 --> 00:22:43,318
I missed nothing!
522
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:44,972
None of us are
perfect, Frank,
523
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:46,713
especially those of us
who aren't perfect.
524
00:22:46,756 --> 00:22:50,499
Kellye, give him 600,000
units of penicillin, stat!
525
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:52,588
-Ah-ha-ha.
-Sorry about the salami.
526
00:22:52,632 --> 00:22:54,111
-Shew!
-Klinger!
527
00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:56,331
A minute, 27 seconds.
528
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:57,985
Take a discharge
out of petty cash.
529
00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:01,815
There they are.
530
00:23:01,858 --> 00:23:03,207
Shell fragments?
531
00:23:03,251 --> 00:23:05,471
Frank, you just can't
just look around!
532
00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:06,602
You gotta feel around!
533
00:23:06,646 --> 00:23:08,604
-He does.
-I mean during surgery.
534
00:23:08,648 --> 00:23:10,432
Fragments may not mean much,
535
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,652
but in view of his symptoms,
we've gotta go back in.
536
00:23:12,695 --> 00:23:14,088
You can't!
537
00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:15,611
His pulse is weak,
and he has a fever.
538
00:23:15,655 --> 00:23:17,265
We go in, or it's
the big train ride home
539
00:23:17,308 --> 00:23:18,440
in the mattress cover.
540
00:23:18,484 --> 00:23:20,094
Why did I do it?
541
00:23:20,137 --> 00:23:21,443
B.J.: What, Father?
542
00:23:21,487 --> 00:23:22,966
Colonel Hollister
543
00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:26,187
made me write a letter
to his parents.
544
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,276
Everything's okay.
545
00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,104
Let's go, folks.
Frank?
546
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,869
Is he gonna make it?
547
00:23:55,912 --> 00:23:58,567
-Probably.
-It depends.
548
00:23:58,611 --> 00:24:00,700
We could get bombed,
there could be an earthquake,
549
00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:03,398
or Frank could
operate on him again.
550
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,443
Twerp!
551
00:24:05,748 --> 00:24:08,229
You tell him, ferret face.
552
00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:22,199
Aha! Heidelberg 1910.
553
00:24:22,243 --> 00:24:23,810
Zuckertort's attack.
554
00:24:25,638 --> 00:24:28,379
Things are
pretty quiet right now.
555
00:24:28,423 --> 00:24:30,033
Private Davis
pulled through, mercifully,
556
00:24:30,077 --> 00:24:31,513
and was shipped stateside.
557
00:24:31,557 --> 00:24:33,080
Potter doubled the guards
558
00:24:33,123 --> 00:24:35,212
so Klinger isn't
giving him any trouble.
559
00:24:35,256 --> 00:24:36,475
What'd you do?
560
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:38,607
Vienna, 1906.
The Lapinsky move.
561
00:24:40,783 --> 00:24:42,132
Where'd you learn that?
562
00:24:42,176 --> 00:24:43,482
Mrs. Lapinsky.
563
00:24:43,525 --> 00:24:44,787
Tall woman, hairy legs,
564
00:24:44,831 --> 00:24:46,093
always carried
a bag of strudel.
565
00:24:46,136 --> 00:24:47,877
You don't know
Mrs. Lapinsky.
566
00:24:47,921 --> 00:24:51,228
Are you kidding?
I caught hairy legs from her.
567
00:24:51,272 --> 00:24:53,535
Nice try, Klinger.
568
00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:56,059
I would've made it
if not for that dog.
39314
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof