Original subtitles

It's up to you, Father.

The bet's two dollars.

I don't think I've got a prayer.

Three Hail Marys beats two of a kind, Father.

I'm out.

Uh, I ain't got two dollars.

Youse guys accept a two-day pass?

Put it in. Paper's paper.

We're certainly gonna miss you around here, Sergeant.

A lot of our hopes and cash will leave with you.

Yeah. Well, I put in my time.

Thirty years' worth.

At least four of which were devoted

to official army business.

Are you in?

-Am I in? -Yeah.

With this hand, you want to know if I'm in?

Are you crazy?

All right. Here's your two dollars.

And two more.

And I get the last raise?

Mm-hmm.

Two, four...

six.

I'm out.

I must've been born under a ladder.

All right. What have you got?

Full house-- kings and tens.

-Phew! -Three 8s.

Eight 3s would've been better.

Hey, it's light out.

Can I interest anyone in a Mass?

Of what?

Well, another day in the R.O.K.

Have a safe flight home, Sergeant Kimble.

Right.

With you out of the motor pool,

maybe the army can finally break even.

You know, I think flight-homewise,

I got a little problem, Doc, with my ear.

I've got chronic adhesive otitis

with eustachian tube dysfunction.

How do you know that?

A lucky guess and a little research.

How long have you had this condition?

I caught it the second I read about it.

Your ears will hurt if you fly. Right?

Bad.

Like to get out of that little, tiny plane

and into a big, big boat?

You know, you guys are too smart to be officers.

Kimble, the truth. How much loot

are you planning to ship home with you?

I figure a couple of thousand pounds.

-A ton? -I didn't say that.

Right. That's your word for 2,000 pounds.

And that's just personal effects

and toilet articles. Right?

I'm only taking enough

to open a restaurant back in Philly.

Kimble's Korean Kafe.

Three K's. You get it?

You can buy your linen from the Ku Klux Klan.

What about the two eyeholes?

He can put the salt and pepper shakers on them.

All I'm asking is that you put in my medical file

that I can't fly.

That requires three medical officers' signatures.

You two are two.

Last time we counted.

Colonel Potter?

The man's hopelessly honest.

-Major Burns. -Major--

Major Burns do something thoughtful?

He sends his kids collect birthday cards.

How long before you ship home?

Two weeks.

But with my connections,

I can get the orders changed.

We'll do what we can.

By the way, MacArthur wants to know

if he can have the car Saturday night.

Of course.

Boy, that poker game really tapped me out, boy.

Me too. You couldn't lend me a few bucks,

could you? Against next month?

I lent you against next month last month.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this water sure does feel good.

Yeah.

It's been gettin' too muggy

for me lately, boy.

Even the weather stinks in the army.

You know, I read somewhere

that General MacArthur don't even sweat!

Can you imagine? He just don't sweat at all.

Probably has some private do it for him.

Boys.

I'll be out in a minute, Father.

Take your time. I took a bit of a bath in the poker game.

Huh!

Anyone heard they've spotted snipers near the camp?

Pay no attention, Father. Just rumors.

It's just a rumor.

-Hmm.

Hey!

That rumor almost came through the door!

I'll be out in a minute, Father.

Can you H.Q. boys give me some help, Barney?

I've got sniper trouble.

Oh, a British patrol will be fine. Yes.

Right. It'll give me a chance to use my English.

Thanks, Barney. Everyone's a comedian.

See the men get plenty, Stokes.

We'll be about an hour.

-Mind? -Hmm.

Lieutenant Chivers, 29th Brigade.

-Hunnicutt, Captain. -Pierce.

Ah. I know a family named Pierce in Kent.

I've got an uncle in Suffolk. Sheep farmer.

He's the one who never married.

My lads are trying to clean up the area.

Snipers rather like giving you chaps in medical

a knocking about. Demoralizes the troops.

Makes us feel a bit dreary as well.

Ah, it's a rotten war, all right.

Still, it's the only one we've got.

I say. You wouldn't be doctors, would you?

Except for eight years of medical school, we wouldn't.

I, uh I have a small problem.

We're very sensitive to small problems.

The smaller, the better.

Actually, it's hardly worth mentioning at all.

Well, let's forget the whole thing.

No. No. What I mean is, you may not think so,

but it could be awfully dicey for me

if this appeared on my service record.

Shall we repair to the clinic?

I'd be most grateful.

A privilege, sir.

I'm a lifelong Anglophile.

England is still the only place I know

where any young man can grow up to be the queen.

What you must understand is that British C.O.s

are absolutely bonkers on the subject of foot care.

An officer neglectful enough to develop an ingrown toenail

is in serious trouble.

What can they do, make you turn in your feet?

Hold up a promotion, deny you leave, the lot.

Aha! The offending digit.

So, in spite of all the training films and lectures,

you went and got yourself an ingrown toenail

instead of saving yourself for marriage.

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Well, you came to the right place, Lieutenant.

Yes, I've been told.

Very often these things are done

in sleazy backrooms in Cuba.

We're clean and safe.

-You're aware of the price? -Yes.

According to the Pierce-Hunnicutt

Ingrown Toenail Menorial Clinic conversion table,

one severe metatarsal perionychium

will cost you exactly two bottles of Scotch.

Two bottles it is.

Doctor, the hydrogen peroxide, please.

Lieutenant, you've put your foot in the right hands.

You'll be doing the Lambeth Walk in no time.

Hey!

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Somebody swiped our microscope.

That really stinks. Anybody who'd steal a hospital's microscope

would take Tiny Tim's crutch.

CHIVERS: Thievery's getting quite out of hand.

Last week I lost two machine guns and a tea cozy.

But a microscope!

I might just be able to get us another one.

Colonel Potter, Lieutenant Chivers.

Sir!

Ingrown toenail, eh?

Pretty fast, Colonel.

It's my third war.

I've seen more British toes

than I have American fannies.

What's the going rate these days?

Two bottles of Scotch.

-Good stuff? -Jolly good stuff, sir.

It'll be welcome. I had some local moonshine last night.

Curled the hair in my nose.

Hawkeye, I want you in post-op.

Tank Commander, 1st Cav's here to visit one of his men.

You worked on him.

-Ah, the life of a star. -Yat-eta, yatk-eta.

-Ta-ta for now. -Yes.

All right, Lieutenant.

Stick out your toe and saw "ah."

Your people are doing a big job here.

Well, you know the wholesale business.

Over here, Colonel.

Of course Major Burns handles

our most difficult cases.

Which is only fair.

He's our most difficult doctor.

You see that foot? Ha-ha. That's mine.

We had to take it out of his mouth.

Your man would be right here, Colonel.

You think the sun shines

out of your belly button, don't you?

I'm having it corked.

Sergeant Moretti.

Glad to see you again, Moretti.

They taking good care of you?

Oh, no. Excuse me, Colonel.

This is Private Mumford. This is Sergeant Moretti.

-What? -This is Sergeant Moretti.

Oh. You get well now, boy. Your buddies miss you.

I miss you. The outfit's not the same without you.

He's out of the game, Colonel.

We had to use one of his ribs to give him a chin.

Pretty standard stuff.

Sometimes we use the jawbone of an ass.

Well, his tank is waiting whenever he's ready.

Oh, it must be very exciting

riding around in one of those massive machines

with that big cannon

just going through everything in front of you.

Uh, Major, if you'll walk this way.

If she could walk that way,

she wouldn't need the talcum powder.

I gotta be shoving off myself.

Moretti, keep in touch. Be sure to write.

Good-bye, Colonel. Be sure to drive on both sides of the road.

Oh, Doc. Doc, listen. Uh...

As long as I'm here...

Sweetheart, you just say the word,

and you'll make me the happiest man in this camp.

Come on. I'm serious.

Where n-- Oh!

We were just rehearsing for the talent show. Honest to God.

I told you we should've gone to my place.

As long as you're here, Colonel?

What? Oh, oh.

Well, I, uh...

I got kind of this, uh, delicate problem.

And there would be, uh, certain ramifications

if I, uh, if I were to check into a base hospital.

Say no more, Colonel.

We here at the 4077 are very social-minded,

particularly when it comes to disease.

I appreciate your coming to us

instead of one of the local physicians

whose sole medical training comes

from watching Jean Hersholt deliver the Dionne quintuplets.

That's originally what I had in mind.

Yeah. Odds are you'd have given him

20 bucks for some penicillin,

and he'd have shot a few CC's

of Wildroot Cream Oil into your rump.

-Hair cream? -That's right.

Doesn't cure you, but you wind up

with the best-groomed tuchusin town.

Yo!

You got a minute?

Always for you, Doc. Come on in.

Want to wet your whistle?

I got Scotch, vodka, bourbon, rye, sake.

Just pour it all in a doggy bottle. I'll take it when I go.

Sergeant Kimble, you want to make a deal?

Talk to me.

Pierce and I'll get you on a ship

on one condition:

you scrounge us a new microscope.

What's wrong with the old one?

Stolen.

-Stolen? -Stolen.

These people are too much.

Do you know what I had to go through

-to steal it for us? -No justice.

Where am I gonna get another one? They're tough.

As tough as carrying a Korean café home in two suitcases?

You got me by the eustachian tubes, ain't ya?

I hope so.

If I find another microscope...

you guarantee the boat?

I'll have the captain back it up to your tent.

-Ready, Colonel? -Yeah.

I'm gonna leave this in a minute.

Hey. That was very smooth.

Thank you.

Ooh! Oh.

Oh, that penicillin smarts.

Not as much as Wildroot.

I feel like a damn fool.

It's a big club. Okay.

Here's a list of dos and don'ts.

You've already done the biggest don't. The rest is easy.

Now, you're sure that this won't appear

anywhere at all in your records?

Or my record, either?

Sure what won't appear?

I don't know how to thank you, Doc.

Colonel, if I never see you with your pants down again,

that'll be thanks enough.

A very kind, affectionate act,

your coming here to see your sergeant, sir.

Oh, thank you, Father. Thank you.

Colonel's a very affectionate man.

It's what happens when the love bug bites.

If ever there's anything I can do for you, Doc

-Get down!

Ah, civilians!

MARGARET: Come on, Frank. Throw something.

I don't want to throw something you need.

It's a new hand. I need everything.

Well...

Gin.

But you said you didn't need anything!

I lied.

I lied. What'd I catch you with?

You're certainly a savage at cards, Margaret.

Oh.

Sixty-eight.

And 25 for going gin.

And, uh, we were in spades. That's double.

186.

I'm out in all three games.

You owe me one pair of nylons for each.

Only if you let me play shoe salesman.

You're a little savage, too, aren't you?

You, uh, really found that tank commander

attractive, didn't you?

I wouldn't say that.

Don't toy with me, Margaret.

I'll bite your T-shirt to ribbons.

-HAWKEYE: Frank? -B.J.: You in there?

They're trying to catch us at something.

We're not doing anything.

Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?

-Come in. -Interrupting?

Oh, not at all. I know I'm in here,

but I'm not doing anything.

Frank, we'd like you to sign this.

Uh, I examined Sergeant Kimble last month.

There's nothing wrong with him

except a possible hernia from mailing truck transmissions.

Yeah. But if we fake his profile,

he'll get us a microscope.

Fake? Huh. Include me out!

What about the next wounded kid that comes in that needs a blood count?

I'm sick of hearing about the wounded.

What about all the thousands

of wonderful guys fighting this war

without any of the credit or the glory

that always goes to those lucky few

who just happen to get shot?

Frank, I really think

you've finally gone out of your skull.

-No. Wait a min-- -No, no, no.

A microscope would be very useful.

You could use it to examine your I.Q.

-or your feelings-- -Hawkeye.

-...or your tiny little heart. - Out!

That's it! Out!

You heard him. Out! Out!

You know, you're beautiful when he's angry.

Antagonizing Frank didn't help at all.

I've had to put up with him longer than you.

You're supposed to be smarter than he is.

A houseplant is smarter than he is.

I've had more intelligent conversations

with people I was doing autopsies on.

A little tact wouldn't have hurt.

A lot he cares about a microscope.

Doctor Burns.

He'd prescribe a laxative for a brain tumor.

Things are looking up.

HAWKEYE: That Chivers?

The charge of the Scotch brigade.

Doctors.

How's the, uh, small problem?

-Splendid. -You do understand

that your toe should have nothing to do

with any other toes for at least a month.

Yes, Doctor.

Also, no liquor for the toe,

and don't wear any spicy socks.

On the subject of the former...

I believe this covers your services.

Like a Scotch mist.

My thanks again, sirs.

Mention this to your friends.

Our business is largely word of foot.

Tallyho.

-Hit the deck!

This isn't happening!

It feels like it's happening.

MAN: Attention!

Sniper activity in the compound!

It's really murder out there.

Attention, all personnel.

Inside's your best bet.

Stay--

Aah! One down.

Oh!

They were only 8 years old, both of them!

Ooh. Ooh.

At ease, son. At ease.

Thank you, sir. Maybe later.

Colonel, about the sniping--

We're doing all we can.

I'm working at my desk, and Radar's scared.

And that's all?

I can work twice as hard, if you like.

-Radar, can you be twice as scared? -No problem, sir.

-C-Colonel, will you-- -Look at this. Come here.

What is that?

HAWKEYE: Two bottles of toenail juice.

The Scotch! 8-year-old Scotch!

Ah, well. The good die young.

-Aah!

You know what would scare 'em away?

Cavalry. Today's cavalry. A tank.

Wait a minute, Colonel. Let's not us shoot off any cannon!

No, no. Nothing like that.

Just the sight of a tank would do it.

It's like having a big dog in your front yard.

Works every time.

Radar, that Colonel Griswald was here the other day.

from 1st Cav. Get him on the horn.

-Right. -Why him?

I showed him a few CC's of kindness.

He had a slight case of carnal flu.

Off the record, of course.

Seemed like a decent enough duck.

Loved by one and all, especially off base.

He's comin' on.

Radar, you're a model of efficiency.

I built him out of a kit.

-Hello! Hello!

Yeah. Hey, listen, can you speak up a little bit?

-Somebody's trying to kill me.

Yeah, Colonel Griswald?

Yes, sir. Hold on, please.

Just a moment, sir.

Hello, Colonel?

Captain Pierce,

your friend in need. Remember?

Uh, Colonel, I have a little problem here

that might interest you.

We're getting a lot of sniper fire and--

I beg your pardon?

You're very busy right now?

B.J.: Terrific.

Uh, Colonel, the above sniper fire

is endangering all my private medical records.

All of them.

I just may have to put them

in the official files for safekeeping,

where anyone and his uncle

can get a very good look at them.

Yes, sir!

Monster, isn't it?

Good ol' American know-how and insanity.

Can't tell you how grateful we are, Colonel.

This tank'll give us a lot of security.

We tried a night-light, but it didn't work.

What's the blessing for a tank, Father?

I think "Thank God" will cover it.

Well, this bucket of bolts

happens to be going in for maintenance.

I can let you have it for 24 hours.

Terrific, Colonel. I'm sorry about the bad news.

What bad news?

All your medical records

were destroyed in the last attack.

Burned to a cinder.

Ohh.

Well, I guess you can keep it for a week.

That'll be long enough to scare the North Koreans

and both Chinas out of here.

Thank you, Colonel.

How about a belt for the road?

No, no. I can't do any drinking for quite a while.

We're cleaning up an old tank driver's complaint:

bloodshot hips.

What?

-Make it 50 cents. -Call.

-Just once. -I'm in.

Uh, and up 50.

Anything beats just one ace, Radar.

The bet's a dollar.

Call.

-Right. -In.

-I'm light. -Go.

This is the way to run a war.

For the last 24 hours, the only frightening sound

has been Frank's mouth-breathing.

No luck on the signature yet. Right?

We'll get it, if we have to resort to torture.

We're making a bid on an anthill later. Go ahead.

-Frank, you didn't! -Did too!

At Fort Benning. I trained in one for a week.

You never told me.

Ah. They said it was a shame I was a doctor.

They felt I had the same killer instinct as Patton.

Oh! You're just funning me.

Oh, yeah?

Ah ha! Oh, Frank! Should you?

Ha! Think just those hotshot colonels

can handle these babies, huh?

Ha ha ha! Stand back, puddin'.

Ah, Frank. Do you think you should?

Cinch-a-reeno!

Oh, Frank! Oh!

You know how to-- Aah!

-Ha ha! It's starting up.

Stand back now, Margaret.

Now be careful, Frank.

Just-- Uh...

Uh, Frank, do you know what you're doing?

Are you sure you know what you're doing, Frank?

Boom!

Uh,

I'm gonna get out of the way, Frank.

-Boom. -Frank?

Uh, Frank! Oh, my--

But, Frank, it's a--

Frank! Do you see me? Frank!

Are you in control?

Frank, you're going the wrong way!

It's the girls' showers! T-- Oh! Girls!

-Out! Frank! -B.J.:

-FRANK: How do you stop this thing?

Aah!

Frank!

Oh, my-- Uh, Frank!

It's Major Burns! Help him!

Frank!

FRANK: Help!

Colonel, save us!

No sweat. Watch an old cavalry hand in action.

Frank!

FRANK: Oh, no, no. Colonel. Colonel. Colonel.

Colonel Potter!

Stop! Pull over! Burns!

-FRANK: Don't leave it there! -Whoa!

No! No! No! Don't leave it there!

Help! Help!

MAN: Let him have it!

-Terrific, Frank. -Huh?

Especially when you did that figure 8 over Colonel Potter.

Burns, you got any excuse for that jackass behavior?

I'm sure he has, Colonel.

Somehow the tank got started, Colonel,

and it went crazy. Frank jumped in.

B.J.: Saved us all.

Somebody had to.

Uh-huh.

What?

Sign on the bottom line, Frank.

Sergeant Kimble's medical profile.

Oh. Yeah. That's blackmail.

-Huh? -Blackmail's an ugly word.

We prefer "extortion."

Huh.

-B-U-R-N-S, Frank. -B-U-R...

Yeah.

There you go. Very good.

-B.J.: Thank you, Frank. -Oh, yeah.