All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E01 - Welcome to Korea (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track3_[eng]

Disgusting!

Today's assembly took

two seconds longer
than yesterday's.

-Major Burns?
-Yes, Father?

I have us two seconds
quicker than yesterday.

Your watch must be off.

Hardly likely.

It was given to me
by my bishop.

Klinger!

Sir!

How dare you wear that
hat while in uniform?

It's spring, sir!

I've warned you.

That crazy stuff's not
going to get you out.

Next time I find you
in a hat or a brassiere--

heh heh--
I'll promote you.

Major.

Don't forget to
water the flowers.

Now, I'd like your strict
attention, people, please.

I have some announcements.

Corporal O'Reilly.

Clipboard, sir!

A can of Danish ham is
missing from my office.

It was a personal ham sent
to me by my insurance man.

Now, unless the guilty party,
whoever he and/or she is,

returns it immediately,

he, she or they will be
severely disciplined.

Scrub room detail.

Here we are.
This is good.

The corner of 42nd Street
and Filth Avenue.

Captain!

No man calls me
that and lives.

Captain Pierce, officers
returning from leave

are supposed to check in
with the commanding officer

upon their return!

Hello, honey, I'm home.

What's the tab, Melvin?

Ten bucks, American.

Here's 20. Buy yourself
a new bicycle seat

before you get hemorrhoids.

-Thanks, Joe.

Consider it a gift from
a man who has everything.

Captain Pierce!

For you, Frank.

It's a MacArthur doll.

Wind him up and he
returns from anywhere.

Pierce, stop!

MARGARET: He's defying
your authority.

FRANK:
Oh, I'll handle that.

Blow them away, Corporal.

Hawkeye? Hey!

Hawkeye?

Hey, Hawkeye?

Just one note, Radar,

and I'll show you a new way
to play that thing.

Oh, no, I wasn't gonna--

-Listen.
-Shush.

Softly, Radar.
Talk in small letters.

I have the Mount Rushmore
of hangovers.

Six aspirin companies
are bidding for my head.

But I wanna
tell you folks.

Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, we--

Have you ever had a
mouthful of cotton, Radar?

Uh, no, sir. We were
vegetarians. Listen--

I think I'll have
my breakfast in here.

Soap could only improve it.

We couldn't reach you in Tokyo.
We tried for 24 hours.

That was the idea.
I was on R and R,

resting and recreating.

Yeah, well, we couldn't
find you anyplace.

I was with
an unlisted geisha.

She did the mile in
10 minutes and 8 seconds

and never left my back.

Well, I just wanted you to
know we couldn't reach ya,

-and we really tried.
-What'd you need me for?

You had Frank Burns
and trusty Trapper John,

champion of the oppressed and
molester of registered nurses.

He's gone, Hawkeye.

He got his orders.
He's been shipped stateside.

What?

Trapper's gone.
He got his orders.

Trapper went home?

Yeah, well, he's on his way.

What the hell are you
talking about? How? When?

Well, he found out
about three days ago.

Why didn't you call me?

I said we tried!

I can't believe it.

Neither could he.

He got drunk for two days,

and then he ran naked
through the mess tent

with no clothes on.

How could he leave
without saying goodbye?

Well, he waited around
as long as he could.

No note? A letter?
Nothing?

Uh, no.

Nothing?

Well, he did say that I should
give you something, but, uh--

What-what-what-what-what?
What-what-what?

Ah, gee, I can't.

What?

Okay, but just remember,
this was his idea.

How long ago
did he leave?

Couple hours.

He's taking an early
plane out of Kimpo.

-Today? This morning?
-Yeah.

Oh, no! Aw, gee!

FRANK: I don't mind
the disrespect
behind my back.

It's the "in front of
people" that hurts.

I just wish Pierce had gone
and McIntyre had stayed.

Oh, Frank,

-have you forgotten?
-Hmm?

The time Mclntyre sedated you

and shaved every bit
of hair off your body.

Well, he was still
better than Pierce.

God only knows how he
carried on in Tokyo.

-I'm sure.
-Oh, Margaret.

Margaret, whatever happened

to good old meat-and-potatoes
Christianity?

Whatever happened
to Aimee McPherson?

Poor soul went up in her plane
and was never heard from again.

Frank, that was
Amelia Earhart.

Oh, yeah.

Well, there's still a few giants
left in this old world.

Do you think it'd be
all right if I took a pen

and wrote in a bold,
military hand

"To Frank, with eternal
gratitude, Doug"?

I do not.

Oh, gee, Margaret!

Ever since I've been
commanding officer,

you don't let me do anything.

-Frank?
-Well, it's about
time you checked in.

I'm checking out.

I'm going to Kimpo to
say goodbye to Trapper.

You're not
going anywhere.

And stop leaking
on my desk!

Frank, I lived with
the guy for over a year.

He's my best friend.

You're exaggerating
his importance.

He was very important
to you too, Frank.

-Says who?
-For over a year,

he kept me from killing you.
I'll see you in two hours.

Pierce, we cannot be caught
with our complement down.

Listen, Mrs. First Lady,
I checked.

We've only got two
patients in post-op:

a nurse who was bitten on her
nameplate by Sergeant Niles

and Sergeant Niles
with a broken jaw.

Uh, papers just came through
on Captain Hunnicutt, sir.

-Who?
-Captain McIntyre's
replacement.

He's due at Kimpo
within the hour.

Permission granted
to go pick him up?

Permission granted,
Corporal.

Oh, sorry, Major.

Hmm?
Oh, it's all right, Major.

Permission granted, Corporal.

Thank you, Major.
Major.

Now why are you wet, too?

Uh, must be something
in the water, sir.

Well, take it off.
First get into a dry uniform.

Rats ate it.

Oh, Lord.

Request permission to
go to my quarters, sir!

-Oh, scram.
-Scramming, sir!

What a dodo.

Frank, look.

Hunnicutt's fresh
out of residency.

Stanford Medical School.
Wonderful qualifications.

And look at this.
Tau Phi Epsilon.

Is that a very
selective fraternity?

Very.
They blackballed me.

Oh, Frank.

Well, they insisted on
double-breasted tuxedos.

-I didn't have one.
-Poor baby.

I dyed my brown suit,
but it ran when I danced.

You do tend to
perspire, Frank.

Well, it's a family thing,
on my mother's side.

Dad was always dry,
but Mom sweated a lot.

Yeah, I've got his face
and her glands.

Look at this.

Top ten every time
he graduated.

Well, he certainly sounds
like our kind of person.

Oh, it'll be
a welcome change

from all that guff we took
from those two smartskis.

Hunnicutt.
Hunnicutt.

I knew a Dr. Hunnicutt.

He was killed in an explosion
at the goiter clinic.

What an opportunity.

A young doctor on
his first assignment,

and we'll train him
our way, Frank.

You know, Margaret,
I have a feeling.

I'll bet he's Republican.

Oh...

that would be
too much to ask.

Thanks, Igor.

-Move over, Radar. -Why?

Because you drive
like I spit. Come on.

You're not supposed
to go with me.

-Move!
-Is that a direct order?

Would I do that to you?

Come on, Major Burns will
have my tail in a sling.

-He'll never know. -He's crazy!

He's always feeling my
toothbrush to see if it's wet.

Wakes me up at night and
inspects me in my shorts.

-Radar.
-I can't.

Who lets you develop
the nurses' chest X-rays, huh?

Who stayed up with you
the night your earthworm
farm was wiped out?

If anybody asks,
I'm completely ignorant.

I'll swear to that
in court.

Ha ha!

Wow!
Isn't this terrific?

Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Whee!

Wow, is this fun! Ya-hoo!

Radar, please. I'm trying
to get a little sleep.

Yeah. Hee hee hee hee!

Oh, gee.

Checkpoint.

What are you doing?
You're not stopping!

-Quiet!
-Hey!

SOLDIER: Hey, you,
where're you going?

Get back here! Hey!

Oh, boy, now
we're in trouble!

He's calling ahead.

What are they gonna do?
Throw us out of the war?

Thanks. I'll get 'em.

Pull up. Block the road.

I hated going through that
checkpoint, Lieutenant.

Yeah?

I got a pretty
sick boy back here.

I'm Captain Pierce,
surgeon, 4077th.

I gotta get him to
the hospital, 121st.

What's wrong with him?

Neuropraxia.

Worst case I've ever seen.

What's that?

Neuropraxia?

It's a temporary
loss of nerve function.

I got him sedated now.

Otherwise,
he'd foam at the mouth,

crawl on the ground,
try to bite his nose.

It's pretty awful.

And very contagious.

Aren't you
afraid to get it?

I can only carry the germ.

Oh, okay, he's okay.

Move him out.

-Move him out. -Thanks,
Lieutenant.

-Love your work.
-Move.

Boy, you got the guts
of a burglar.

I'm not missing Trapper.

Hey, was that true what you
said back there to that M.P.

about that
"neurotaxicab" whatever?

Neurapraxia.
It's a real sickness.

But don't worry.
Only people who bite
their nails can get it.

MAN :
Sergeant Sturner,
report to maintenance.

Sergeant Sturner,
on the double.

There's the MATS office,
right there.

-They'll probably know
where Trapper is.
-Yeah.

I'm gonna try to find
Captain Hunnicutt.

Yeah, yeah,
you do that, Radar.

I can't understand it, sir.

The pickles were flown
here top priority,

along with the pimientos.
Yes, sir.

The general did get
the pimientos, didn't he?

Sergeant.

Uh, yeah, yes, sir.
Are you sure, Colonel?

I specifically ordered
red pimientos.

I know how the general
hates the green ones.

Yes, sir, I will
definitely follow through

on the pickles
and pimientos.

Who's in charge
of the delicatessen?

Uh, golf balls--

golf balls
are no problem, sir.

Uh, how many gross, sir?

Where are your flight
manifests stateside?

Yes, sir.

Uh, one gross will
be no problem at all.

Yes, sir. No, sir,

One gross, sir.
Yes, sir.

He left ten minutes ago.

I remember-- Yes,

I-I remember
the Swiss clock, sir--

w-w-with a cuckoo.

Yes, sir, y-yes,
I have it all down, sir.

Thanks.

Pickles, pimientos,
balls, and cuckoos.

Uh, Captain Pierce?

Uh, Captain Pierce, sir,
Captain Hunnicutt.

I missed Trapper
by ten minutes.

-Aw.
-Ten lousy minutes!

Captain Pierce.

Hi. Can you believe that?

You couldn't have
droven any faster.

I let that geisha take one
too many laps on my back.

Anything
I can help with?

-Huh?
-Can I help?

No, no, no, forget it.

-Let's go home, all right?
-Let's go home.

Yeah, let's get outta here.

Where's the jeep, Radar?

It's right here!

There is no jeep here.

There's only a whole
lot of here here.

I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it!

-All right,
it's no sweat, no sweat.
-Oh, gee, it's been stolen!

-All right.
-Listen, I'm responsible.

I signed that jeep out!

I'll have to pay for it,
and I'm poor!

-Hey! Somebody help!

Hey!

Holy cow!

Things always
this calm around here?

-It's the only war in town.
-I gotta get it back.

-Call an M.P. Hey, hey, hey!
-Radar. Radar!

-Radar.
-Hey!

If you can keep your head

while all about you
are losing theirs,

then you probably
haven't checked with
your answering service.

Rudyard Kipling.

Give that man
a lady in the balcony.

Hey, listen, that jeep
is government property.

So are you.

I never thought
of it that way.

Pierce, I'm just
a little confused.

Hawkeye. And don't
let a little confusion
throw you, Captain.

-B.J.
-One of the first things

you learn over here, B.J.,

is that insanity is no worse
than the common cold.

How are we gonna get back?
We don't got any wheels.

Here is the eminent
Captain Hunnicutt,

fresh from the U.S. of A.,

and you and I are
talking about cars.

Let us welcome yon weary
traveler with food and drink.

-Kipling? -Auto Club.

Right.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
I can't go in there.

Pish-tosh.

Ah, come on.
I'm just a corporal.

You think that kept Hitler
out of the officers' club?

Hey, I really wouldn't wanna
get him into any trouble.

No problem. Just let me have
some of your costume jewelry.

Uh, I've only had five weeks
of indoctrination.

Is this what they call
a field promotion?

For being brave
and nearsighted

above and beyond
the call.

Losing a jeep,

impersonating an officer,
all in two hours.

If I get in trouble,
my mother will kill me!

What are mothers for?

Gosh.

Hey, wait a minute.
What about my stripes?

Radar, you've heard of
lieutenant generals,

sergeant majors?

You are now
a corporal captain.

Maybe I'd better
wait in the car.

Radar, there is
no car to wait in.

That's what we came
in here to forget.

I forgot.

Uh, what'll you have,
Captain?

-Bourbon and water.
-And you, Captain?

-Captain?
-Not so loud.

I'll have my usual--
a Grape Nehi.

Uh, two bourbon and water,

and a Grape Nehi
for Captain O'Reilly.

They always fly so low?

They're not low. The ground
here is very high.

He's not usually like this.
He's just like that.

You're gonna
love it over here.

Camping out,
betting on rat races,

hot and cold
running dysentery.

To think what I've been missing.

-You married?
-Mm-hmm.

You bring your
wife with you?

I thought I'd come ahead
and check it out.

-Hmm.
-You married?

Someone's gonna have to
get me pregnant first.

Ah, there's two
on the aisle.

Thank you.

Does the, uh,
captain want a straw?

We don't use straws
in combat, fella.

B.J., welcome to Korea.

Land of the Morning Calm.

For 5,000 years,
50 centuries,

fought over,
mauled, and occupied

by Mongols,
Manchus, Chinese,

Russians, Japanese, Americans,
16 U.N. Countries,

and appearing this week only
Professor Jerry Colonna.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

There's real
grape flavor in this.

Tough it out, cowboy.

Why didn't you let me
stand outside, Hawkeye?

Hawkeye.
Why Hawkeye?

That's from The Last
of the Mohicans.

My father was crazy
about that book.

He was crazy
about Indians.

My grandfather used
to sell 'em whiskey
and hors d'oeuvres.

Feel like you just stepped
into a time machine?

Two months ago,
I'm in residency
in Sausalito.

Little house in Mill Valley.
Peggy's eight months pregnant.

And they draft me.

Five weeks' training
at Fort Sam Houston.

Bunch of doctors stumbling
around in the dark,

totally lost.

Some idiot shooting
live ammo over your heads.

American plan.

-Hawkeye.
-Huh?

That colonel.

What Colonel, Radar?

There's enough brass in
here to make a spittoon.

Over there at 8:00.
He keeps staring at me.

He's probably
crazy about you.

Go ahead, B.J.

Then one night, Peggy and I
are at the Top of the Mark--

her first night out
since having the baby.

We go home.

Our baby-sitter Norma Jean
says there's a message.

Wait a minute.
Norma Jean?

-Mm-hmm.
-Eighteen?

-Sixteen.
-Ooh!

The message?

"In two days, report
to Travis to ship out."

Next thing I know,
here I am.

-Hawk?
-Huh?

He's coming over here.

Play hard to get.

Don't horse around.

-Boys. -Sir.

Colonel.

You all know this is an
officers' club, don't you?

I'm a captain,
plainclothes division.

Uh-huh.

Corporal's stripes
and captain's bars?

Uh, that's a new directive
from the Pentagon, Colonel.

Uh, that's right
out of G2 and G3,

making a G5 combined
officers op-tech glitch.

Uh, we're experimenting
with a new rank--

corporal captain.

We're down here
making a survey--

want to see, uh, you know,
if everybody likes it.

Uh, asking everybody
in Seoul.

-Coleman Hawkins, right?
-Right.

Well, I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.

Uh, put down one no.
One against.

Right.

One negative
Corporal Captain.

Thank you, Colonel.

We really appreciate
your help in this.

No, sir,
I don't like it at all.

He doesn't like it at all.

Play it again, Sam.

Another Nehi.

Gee, if I get gas,

nobody's ever gonna
believe I'm an officer.

Radar, President Truman
gets gas.

They just don't print
it in the papers.

What's the 4077 like?

Meatball surgery.
Nothing pretty.

But once we get a casualty
to our front door,

his chance of survival
is 97.8%.

That says a lot
for the staff.

It's a good bunch.

You missed two of the greatest
guys in the world, though.

Henry Blake was our C.O.

Henry was okay,

from the navel out
in every direction.

He sure was.

Henry never
made it home.

And I just missed
Trapper John,

the guy you're replacing,
by ten minutes.

-Ten minutes!
-We tried to call you.

You sure he didn't leave
a message or anything?

No. Just what I gave you.

And please don't ask
for another one.

Listen. Major Burns
is waiting for us.

That's our C.O. now.

Bottom of the barrel.

Major Burns.
Major Frank Burns.

Everybody calls him
Ferret Face.

That'll give you an idea
how devoted we are to him.

-Is he a good surgeon?
-With the same light touch

as a German jazz band.

Number one nurses, though.
And a good young chaplain.

You'll be bunking with me.

Not too much snoring,
I hope.

Only when I'm awake.

All you really
have to worry about

is getting me in my coffin
before the sun comes up.

Fair enough.

Well, I guess we'd better
start thinking about

how we're gonna get
back to camp, huh?

All right, we'll have
the bill, my good man.

$1.20.

Ah. Pay him,
Corporal Captain.

I only got
about 70 cents.

A big promotion like that,
they didn't give you a raise?

This one's on me.

You, uh...
play poker, doctor?

I'm not very good.

Neither am I.

General.

Aah!

Look, Radar, our jeep.

It's a general's jeep!

No, no, no, no.
What they've done

in order to get into
the officers' club

is they put a general's
flag on our jeep.

It's not!

I can prove it. Test me.

It's olive drab, right?

-Well, yeah, but--
-Made in Detroit?

-They all say--
-Has mud underneath

and four seats that can
reduce your behind to tears?

-Yeah, but--
-They didn't fool me
for a minute.

-Throw your stuff
in the back, B.J.
-Right.

Okay, but listen,
you've been drinking.

I drive.

All right, deal.

Next stop,
Bed Bug City.

Take this thing.

Okay, Radar, follow
the yellow brick road.

MAN : Next stop
for Captain Hunnicutt,

the 4077, and the privilege

with working with one
of the greatest medical men

-since Dr. Goebbels.

I'm gonna train Hunnicutt
in my image--

soldierly, efficient.

Yes. Give me a man
when he's 28,

and he's mine for life.

Frank.

Yes, dear?

For a moment there,

you looked
like you had a chin.

MAN :
September, 1952.
MASH 4077.

Commander,
Major Frank Burns.

FRANK: Come on, soldier,
hit the deck!

You're supposed to
wake me, you know.

I'm your
commanding officer.

-Oh, Korea!
-Yeah,

I'm not supposed to wake you.

Oh, that's very kind
of you, sir. It's really--

I'm not interested
in kindness.

I've heard that, sir.

Let's go, I wanna get
started on assembly.

-Uh, yes, sir.
-Where's your bugle?

It's over there.

Where?

In the file cabinet,
under "B."

And your clipboard's
under "C," of course.

No, "K."

I'd like to know
what you're doing

in this man's army.

Me, too, sir.

All right, let's move.

Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.

Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.

Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.

Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.

Hey-yup, hey-yup.

Hey-yup,
hey-yup, hey-yup.

Hey-yuppy-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.

-Synchronize watches.
-Right.

-Uh, sir?
-What is it?

I dropped my watch
in the latrine,

and I really don't
want it back.

Just purse your lips
and stand by.

Coming up 0516, hack!

Hack!

Now.

Captain Pierce arrived
in his own fashion,

having spent six days
in Tokyo on R and R

and R and R and R.

Here we are.
This is good.

The corner of 42nd Street
and Filth Avenue.

Radar informed Hawkeye

that Trapper John
had been discharged

and was down in Seoul
to take a plane stateside.

Disobeying Major Burns'
order to remain in camp,

Hawkeye took off for Seoul,

and while he missed Trapper,

he did meet his replacement.

Uh, Captain Pierce?

Captain Pierce, sir,
Captain Hunnicutt.

I missed Trapper
by ten minutes.

-Ten lousy minutes!
-Aw.

Captain Pierce.

Hi. Can you believe that?

You couldn't have
droven any faster.

Their own jeep stolen,

they naturally stole
one owned by a general

and started off for camp.

Meanwhile,
back in paradise...

-Major Burns.
-Major.

Father.

Did you give permission
that I didn't know about

for Captain Pierce
to leave this camp?

I certainly did not!

Well, he's not
anywhere to be found.

-Nowhere?
-That's right!

Have you looked
everywhere?

Obviously I've
looked everywhere,

if I know that he's not
anywhere or nowhere!

I'm sure it can
all be explained.

Oh, you keep your
nose out of this!

-Frank!
-Oh, sorry, Father.

Sorry, Mother--
Margaret.

Hey! I lost my hat!
I lost my hat!

Your cookies will be next.

Holy Toledo!
It's the same M.P.!

I told them to wait.

Why'd you do that?
Oh, you didn't do that!

I'm just joking.

Well, this ain't funny.

That's the trick, Radar.

You sure put in
a long day, Lieutenant.

A lot of infiltrators
on the road.

Yeah. They sure give
the war a bad name.

There was no room
for him at the 121st,

so we're taking him
back to the 4077.

He can drive now?

It's good therapy.
This is Dr. Hunnicutt.

-Hunnicutt?
-B.J.: Yo.

Specialist. We flew him in
for his operation.

Soon as we get back,
he's gonna...

get on his nerves.

And he can drive now?

We put a temporary
filling in his ear.

Different.

Different?

Different jeep.

The jeep is different!

Oh! Yes! Yeah. Sharp eye,
Lieutenant. Good.

Uh, yes,
this different jeep

is definitely
a different jeep.

We picked it up in Seoul.

It was stolen
from our C.O.

What's his name?

Uh, Major Burns.
Major Frank Burns.

Medicine's answer
to longevity.

Frank Burns.

Or Ferret Face.
He answers to both.

Oh. This is weird.

-This could be a--
-Move out!

Yahoo!

Stop up ahead, Radar.
Stop!

Will you stop that! Stop!

-RADAR: Hey!
-Hey, what's going on?

They're making sure the field
is okay for farming.

The daughters are checking
for land mines.

If the girls survive,
it's safe for the ox.

B.J.: You mean there are
live mines in that field?

HAWKEYE:
I say we don't find out.

Hey! Stop it!

-Chung-ji.
-Chung-ji!

Chung-ji!

Who's the father?
Are you the father?

RADAR:
He told 'em to go ahead

and not pay
no attention to ya.

HAWKEYE:
Is he crazy?

Listen to me! Listen!
How can you do this?

You know what
you're doing?

Usan!

That's what you are.
You understand that?

That's in your
own language.

Usan.That's what you
are! What?

You just called him
an umbrella.

What? How do ya--
What's the-what's the word--

Radar! How are you
gonna get out?

-Radar!
-B.J.: Radar!

What are you doing?
Are you crazy?

-Come back here!
-O'Reilly, come here!

-Come back here!
-O'Reilly!

-Be careful!
-How are you gonna
get out again?

Radar!

Come on, follow me.
Hold on to me.

-Go slow.
-Put your feet
in the same spots.

Watch it! Come back
the way you went in.

Straight. Will you just
come straight toward us?

-Easy, easy. Okay, come on!
-Come back toward us, Radar.

B.J.: Easy, easy!

Be careful!

Come straight, Radar!

-That's it. Easy, easy.
-Yeah, easy.

Oh. Get her. Easy.

Fragments in her leg.
Shock.

Here, I guess the army's
got a few more of these.

-Get her in the jeep, will ya?
-Holy cow!

-Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-No, we can't take everybody.

Wait a minute.
Hold it.

-Wait, but, madam,
just a minute.
-What are you doing?

-We can't take the whole--
-Hey, you--

No, no, the ox
does not ride for free.

We'd better get moving.

Radar, tell 'em.
No ox, no ox.

Right. No ox! No ox!

Look, you stay here.

-What? What?

He says there's a hospital
up the road.

Okay, okay, okay.
Stay, stay, stay.

Yeah, .

All right, hang on.

You've got a lot
of nerve, fella!

That was very brave, Radar.

What?

HAWKEYE:
Running into a mine field.

RADAR: Did I run
into a mine field?

Boy, that was brave.

FRANK: There's a new
officer coming in,

and I want this place
spotless, Corporal.

First impressions are
lasting impressions.

Cleanliness is
next to godliness.

-My mother says that.
-Why bring her into it?

I never even
met your mother.

And what are those earrings
doing in your ears?

Just hanging there, sir.

-Well, take 'em off!
-Yes, sir.

You, uh, got
anything crazy on
under your clothes?

Nothing crazier than you
got under yours, sir.

Get rid of these filthy
nudist magazines.

Hey, I thought they were
strictly volleyball.

They play croquet
and everything.

Look at these socks.

Boots covered with blood.
Animals.

Here's some people
clipping hedges.

That could be dangerous.

Get on with it.
Throw those away.

"Girl phoning."

Wonder what a naked girl
sounds like on the phone.

-Klinger!
-Yes, sir!

FRANK: Beats me how some
people treat this war

like it was
some kind of picnic,

when it's really
a privilege to be asked

to serve in the army.

Of course, it's not
just our army.

We're here with the U.N.,

which I personally
have nothing against

except that it's
full of foreigners,

which, of course, is what
did in your League of Nations.

You know?

Are all the local
hospitals that awful,

that primitive?

They're about 100 years
ahead at being behind.

Boy, the smell.

Radar, watch the road.
I'll do the smelling.

-Whoa!

-Oh, boy.

Oh, gee!

I've never changed
a tire in my life!

I'll get it.

Give me a lug wrench.
I'll take off the spare.

I thought you used
your mother's car.

I did, but she always
changed the tires.

Oh, hey, wait a minute.
You're a surgeon.

You'll wreck
your hands.

So I'll become a bugler.

I come from three
generations of doctors.

I swear to you,
I have never seen

hospital conditions
like that.

Well, what they
lack in sanitation

they make up
for in poverty.

RADAR:
Here come some locals.

HAWKEYE: Well, it's
a semi-free country.

-Oh, gee!
-What?

Oh, I left my bubble gum
in the other jeep.

Whose picture
was on the card?

Rosalind Russell.

Well, we just
won't tell her.

Oh, boy!

That general sure
has tight lugs.

We're gonna
get him in for surgery

one of these days.

Hi. What do you say?

Just taking
our afternoon flat.

Nice to see you.
I just got in.

Hey, the wheel's coming
off the ground.

-Good job, Radar.
-Thank you, sir.

Uh-oh, Andy.

Holy smoke.

What is it?

The Koreans all
went into the woods.

They may be
guerrillas, maybe.

Either that or they're
having a gang toidy.

We'd better get outta here.

Let's be calm, guys...
with undertones of frantic.

Bring the spare, B.J.

Out of the way, Radar. Move.

They shoot
at doctors?

Doctors, lawyers,
Indian chiefs, anybody.

Any movement.

-Whoa!

And I'm about to have one.

I think I hate this.

You sure we need
all four tires?

Get this--
Here, get the thing--

Get the thing to
take the car down.

Jack it down.

Ah! Radar, stop that.
I-I'm tryin' to put on--

Get away from me, will ya?

Is it down? You got it?
All right.

Now just get these.
Okay, let's get outta here.

Come on. Come on.

Wait just a minute,
will you?

-Wait.
-Go first.

-Wait a minute.
-Radar!

This is a general's jack!

Salute it
and get in!

HAWKEYE:
Down! Keep down!

-Everybody all right?
-I've been better.

My legs are shaking.

-Do what you always do.
-Oh, yeah.

-Sedative?
-Chiclet.

You okay, B.J.?

Scared is closer.

There's a bullet hole in
the seat right next to me.

Boy, that general
is gonna have a fit.

Why should he?

We fixed his flat,
didn't we?

HAWKEYE:
Anybody here from Maine?

SOLDIER:
I'm from Vermont.

Close, but no cigar.

-B.J.: How about California?
-Watts.

-RADAR: How 'bout Iowa?
-Yo!

Ottumwa, Iowa?

HAWKEYE: Ottumwa
did its bit, Radar.

-They sent you.
-Take cover! Hit the deck!

-Now what?
-Mortars.

They can make you a tenor
in the boys' choir

in two seconds.

SOLDIER: Where's
that stuff comin' from?

Anyone see it?

Gimme that radio.

Able Six,
this is Two Six.

Able Six, this is
Two Six. Over.

RADIO DISPATCHER:
Two-Six, this is Six.

He's 12 years old.

He'll never make 13.

-SOLDIER: Medic.
-Come on.

Roger, I see
what you've got.

Hold tight,
I'm workin' on a mission now.

Medic! Medic!

-SOLDIER: Over.

-We're doctors. Let me
have your medical bag.
-Yes, sir.

Open that up
for me, will ya?

Radar!

Am I gonna die?

-Aah!
-Hell, no.

You're staying here
with the rest of us.

Chiclets.

-Yes, sir.
-Bite on that.

We're not allowed
to carry bullets.

A little sulfa here.

-Radar?
-Yeah?

Have somebody call in
our, uh, choppers.

Uh, the
8-0-double-nickel's closer.

-All right, do that then.
-Right.

You're gonna
pull through, Slippery.

Captain Hunnicutt!

The guy over
by the jeep!

-SOLDIER: Stay spread out.
-Right.

Stay down.
Watch the flank over there!

Watch the left!

It's okay, pal,
I'm a doctor.

It's my leg, doc.

Is everything else down there?

Yeah. Just mortar fragments.

I don't feel anything, Doc.
I just feel numb.

We'll have you to MASH
in a few minutes.

Nurses and everything?

Don't know.
I'm new in town.

I think the
shelling's stopped.

Probably just
a temper tantrum.

B.J.?

Rest easy, pal.

HAWKEYE:
Good shot.

Let me have
that bag.

He's had it.

Well, let's try!

Oh, gee.

-Radar--

...tie this tightly
around his head.

Right.

Sir, our lieutenant took
one right in the wallet.

Don't forget, this is
your first day at school.

The worst part is you'll
get used to all of this.

All right,
saddle up, you people.

Let's go. On your feet.
On your feet.

HAWKEYE:
Radar, we need the bag!

Okay, you're gonna
be okay.

Move it. Move out.
Move it out.

Let's go, let's go.

Very well, Sergeant.

O'Reilly met Hunnicutt
at Kimpo. He picked him up.

You can just bet Pierce
had something to do with this.

Well, nobody's seen him for
six hours, that big snot.

Margaret, I'm gonna train
Hunnicutt in my image--

soldierly, efficient.

Yes. Give me a man
when he's 28,

and he's mine for life.

- Frank.
-Yes, dear?

For a moment there,
you looked like
you had a chin.

Are we there?

Camp's just
across the road.

This is a rest stop.

You look like
you could use a belt.

Sir, we really should
deliver the captain.

We gotta get him started
on his ulcer first.

Forward, drink!

-Hello, Kim.
-Hi, Hawkeye. Radar.

-Hello.
-Hello.

-Sake with beer?
-Make it two.

Uh, Nehi Grape.

Kinda quaint.

-A toilet.
-Didn't wanna say that.

In two months, this'll look
like the Top of the Mark.

MAN: Don't give me none
of your lip, ya big--

HAWKEYE:
Any diversion is welcome,

except the diversions
become routine.

Crazy thing is,
hell though it is,

I think I feel closer to
the people in this hospital

than I've ever been to
anybody else in my life

or ever expect to.

Keep 'em comin', Kim.

Oh, on Hawkeye's tab?

Right.
I'm entertaining a client.

My teeth will turn purple.

Women love that.

You know, I really can't
wait to see the place.

-You can wait.

You've heard of a military
post? This is a compost.

Everything
we've got is surplus.
The lice are surplus.

Only the wounded are new.
Supplies are a joke.

The tedium is relieved
only by the boredom.

I can't think of a single
reason why we're here

except we're needed.

So, pitch in,
muddle through,

pip-pip,
and the whole schmear.

Ours is not to reason why,
ours is not to let 'em die.

Drink up. You're behind.

In other words, do your job
as best you can, and shove--

You got it.

Please,
I'm with friends.

They're all out
of maraschino cherries.

Kim, some more sake.

Sir, sir, I'll drive.
I'll drive, sir.

-I'm driving. I'm driving.
-Uh, sir, you can't.

-You can't.
-Why not? Says who?

You're not sober, sir.

Oh, boy, I would
really resent that

if I wasn't drunk.

You sure you don't
want me to drive?

-Whoo!

He's here!

Major Burns,
Major Houlihan,

may I present
Captain B.J. Hunnicutt.

What say you,
ferret face?

Oh!

This is it.

Hey, what's going on?

I'm in charge here.
Major Burns.

Sir, this jeep
is the property

of Major General
Cornell Dickering.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You'll have to come
with me, sir.

What?

I'd vouch for this man's
character, Lieutenant,

but he doesn't have any.

Snot! Snot! Snot!

Have I ever lied to you?

MAN :
Attention.

Attention, please.

The following personnel
are permanently assigned

to the MASH 4077.

Alan Alda as Hawkeye.

Mike Farrell
as B.J. Hunnicutt.

Loretta Swit
as "Hot Lips" Houlihan.

Larry Linville
as Frank Burns.

Gary Burghoff
as "Radar" O'Reilly.

William Christopher
as Father Mulcahy.

Jamie Farr
as Corporal Klinger.

And reporting for duty
as new commanding officer

at 1600 hours,
19 September, 1952,

Harry Morgan
as Colonel Sherman Potter,

regular Army.

God help us all.

Stick that horn in your ear.

On your feet, soldier.
I'm Colonel Potter.

Oh, boy.