Original subtitles

[? jovial music]

[Dee] What? Oh, come on. This is bullshit.

- This has to be a mistake. - [Mac] You're telling me. Mine's negative.

How are we positive and you're negative?

What is that, an AIDS test?

No, it's a neuropsych test.

Yeah, we went to Penn to get a full neuropsychological test done

to see if any of us had ADHD.

And according to this shit, Dennis and I do.

- Which is a lie. - Consider yourselves lucky.

- At least now you have an excuse. - An excuse for what?

For why your life turned out like shit,

why you never accomplished anything, why you failed out of Penn.

Uh, no, no. No, we did not fail out of Penn, okay?

We declined to graduate.

Yeah, we just decided not to take the final exam

'cause we got, like, you know, distracted by other shit.

Yeah, but isn't getting distracted, like, the main thing of ADHD?

[Dee] Stop it. It's

No, we got distracted by, like, sex, drugs, and rock and roll,

like normal college kid shit.

- Neurotypical distractions. - Right.

My whole life, I thought I had shit for brains,

mainly because my mom would stick a Tootsie Roll in my ear when I slept.

And I would wake up and find it and I would think there was

- actually shit in my brains. - Leaking out of your head at night?

I think it's because she loved me so much and she wanted to keep me at home,

- you know? - [Charlie] Sure, yeah.

And then I wised up and I caught on to her love ruse,

and I realized that I probably did have some kind of disorder.

I thought you did, for sure.

And now I have no excuse. I could have gone to Penn.

Dude, I have a Ferrari brain that's stuck in first gear.

[Charlie] Yeah.

You have a Subaru brain that has two flat tires.

Yeah, Mac, you couldn't even study in high school without getting all pissed off

and breaking all your pencils--

He'd throw all his books all around the room.

That's not true.

All right, yeah, but like, do I What's mine say?

Like, what car is my brain?

- This oughta be good. - Uh

"Inconclusive."

- Oh, huh? - [Dee] What?

They want you to come back for more testing.

- [Charlie] I gotta go back? - Yeah.

I don't know why you guys give a shit about this.

I mean, you are who you are.

And as far as Penn goes [chuckles]

the only reason why you two got in there was because of my money.

Your brains had nothing to do with it.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that, Frank.

Dee, you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Dee? - Mmm. Mm-hmm?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Absolutely.

Great. Then say it with me.

- Oh, I would love to. - We're--

You just have to tell me what it is we were gonna say.

You literally just said you knew what I was thinking.

That was a lie. I got distracted for a sec.

I was gonna say we should go back to school.

- Oh, shit, really? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Oh! Okay. I like it.

- You want to say it together again? - No, I don't. I'll just do it.

- We're gonna go back to school. Mmm. - Back to school. Did it.

[? jovial music]

[? jovial music]

Wow, look at this. [chuckles]

I don't know where we should sit now that we know we have ADHD.

Maybe we just sit in the front row, you know?

Mm-hmm. Get out of the way for when the shooter comes blasting.

Wait, wait. Hey, don't do that.

[Dee] It's upsetting.

- It's-It's very triggering, you know? - Yeah.

That being said, uh [sighs] it would be good if he had to blast through

a couple rows before he got to us,

- you know what I mean? - Yeah.

- Right. Give us a little time to scramble. - Exactly.

- Yeah. - What are you gonna do?

Well, well, well, if it isn't the stupid little rich kids.

[scoffs] Uh, we are not stupid.

You are.

- Is that the whole comeback? - I think so. I didn't--

- Thought you were - That's not what I meant.

Give me a second. I'm gonna think of something else.

It'll be too late. What are you doing here?

I'm gonna prove to you that I could've gone to Penn.

That's why I'm sitting right here in the front row,

'cause I'm going to pay attention.

I'm going to take notes, and, of course,

if the shooter comes in blasting, I can scramble.

- All right, let's do this thing. - [Dee] What?

What are you doing here?

We're doing a Back to School thing like Rodney Dangerfield did in the movie.

[grunts] "Let's party!"

Okay, well, Frank, we are not doing a Back to School thing.

We're just going back to school.

What's the difference?

The difference is we're gonna pay attention and we're gonna study and focus.

- We explained this at the bar. - I probably wasn't paying attention.

- Do we all have ADHD now? - I guess.

Not me. Look at how well-arranged my index cards are and my pencils.

I'm focused as shit.

[chuckling] Okay, nerd.

Nobody uses paper anymore, all right?

It's all computers, you stupid, dumb dumb.

- Dee. - [gasps] I'm so sorry. I don't know.

I think that the diagnosis is messing with my confidence or something.

Wait a minute.

If you guys are not gonna party, I'm gonna find somebody else who will.

Ah. Four-eyes here.

Come with me. I'm gonna show you what school really is.

We're gonna "par-tay."

All right, here. When the teacher comes, tell him I'm renting the kid.

Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Come on. Get up.

Sort of a human trafficking situation.

- Seems like it, right? Whatever. - Yeah.

[Dennis grunts]

You know what? I think I should get some Ritterall to help me focus.

No, no, no. Dee, don't do that.

You know where that leads.

You know, starts with Ritterall, then you move to coke,

and then you're smoking crack and then more crack.

Okay? Let's not do that, all right?

Worst comes to worst, we feel like we're not gonna pass the test,

just do what you always used to do. Just bang the professor.

[both chuckle]

Oh. I think that's gonna have to be your department.

Well, no, I don't know about that. I mean, it could go either way, you know, but, uh

Yeah, let's not Let's not go down that road.

I-I don't really wanna bang her.

Good morning, class.

Oh!

Good

morning

class.

[professor] Okay, Mr. Kelly.

So I'm sure you've seen these types of tests before

- when logging on to a website or a domain. - Mmm.

They're used for identifying robots.

Oh. You think I might be a robot?

[chuckles] No, of course not.

Oh.

I have "drinken" motor oil.

You Sorry, what?

Uh Yeah. I didn't drink it all that much and I didn't like it.

Okay. Right.

So I'm probably not a robot. Put that down.

- Right. - Good.

- Okay, well, let's try the test. - Yeah.

[professor] Which of these images has grass?

Um [mumbles] just this one.

Just that one?

Yeah, that that's the only one I see. This guy right here.

And out of curiosity, what color is the man's shirt?

Uh, no, I'm not colorblind if that's your concern.

Uh, his shirt is light blue.

I can see it and I can smell it like crazy. [scoffs]

- Smell it? - Oh, yeah.

I-I can smell every color in this room.

[Charlie inhales]

And why did you select that image as having grass?

Well, because hair is the grass of the head.

I see. And why no grass in the others?

Oh, well, because they're just pictures of grass,

and you asked which picture has grass, and that's the only grass head one.

But that one is also a photograph.

Uh, yes, but it has a tiny hair on it.

See? So this is the only one that had any actual grass.

It was hard to see, but I could smell the black of the hair.

[sniffs] Yeah.

[stammers] Do you mind if I invite a few other professors to join us?

Sure, yeah.

May I keep this?

- Yeah. - Great.

Good. Deal.

Are you sure I'm not a robot?

You are definitely not a robot.

[smacks lips] All right.

[? jovial music]

[Frank] All right, all right.

Okay. Let's check out the dorm room.

Well, right away, I see the issues in this room.

- Yeah. I don't see any bongs. - Oh.

I don't see any lava lamps. Not good.

And the walls should be covered with titty posters.

- Uh, oh. - You don't know how to do college, do you

I never caught your name. What's your name?

Um, I'm Jie.

- G? - Jie.

G? I want to stick with G. You're from another country, right?

Yes, I'm from China.

China. There you go.

That's the problem right there, because they don't know

how to throw away a perfectly good education over there.

- Uh, oh. - They don't know that.

- Let me tell you something, G. - Okay.

- Life is the only education - Mmm. Uh.

and you don't want to fail at that.

- Okay. - Okay? Yeah.

Oh! Hello. This must be the roommate.

Oh, here we go. This is good.

He looks like he's all dolled up.

You're ready to go out and have some fun, right?

What are you gonna do?

Go to Go to the dean's office and crap on his desk?

No, I'm going to a protest.

- [door opens] - A protest?

Boring.

What's the matter with you kids? You don't know how to have fun anymore?

Wait, you know what?

- Mmm. - Your roommate just gave me a great idea.

- G, follow me. - Mmm.

You know where the dean's office is?

Uh, yes.

[glass shatters]

[Frank] Oh, f fuck! Oh

Holy fuck.

Oh, this is great.

I fucked up my hand. Look at that. Huh?

- Holy shit. - That's the way it's got to be in college.

God, wait, let me I got to do-do this.

- Come on in, G. - Oh. Oh.

Come on, come on, come on in, G. I gotta blot. Whoo.

Holy Toledo. There's blood. Holy shit.

It's bleeding like a pig.

See that trash can over here?

Grab that, bring it over in the middle here.

Take a good crap in it.

- Take a nice big crap in it - A A crap?

and dump it on the dean's desk.

That's the way you do it. Come on. Go ahead.

- [cries] - What's the matter? You can't take a shit?

- You dehydrated? - [crying] No.

You got to hydrate.

I'm going to get expelled.

- Why you gonna get expelled? - They will know it's us.

How they gonna know it's us? They can't know it's us.

You make me use my key card to open the building.

Well, I can't smash every window, G.

And they have cameras.

- There's a camera. - Camera? Huh?

Oh, shit. Oh Ooh.

Times are changing.

Uh, that's because of the shooters, probably.

All right, shit.

Uh [stammers] Tell you what. Uh All right, all right. [stutters] Relax.

Uh [stutters] Listen, don't blame G, this is all me.

This is all my fault. I made him do it.

So don't blame him, okay?

And I-I-I had to break the glass over there to get in

'cause we were gonna shit on your desk.

[stammers] This will pay for the window that I broke in the door.

Okay? Everything good?

There is a little cleanup, but there's no shit.

You don't have to clean up any turds, any-any crap,

'cause that desk would've been full of my shit

if I could have got up there. Okay.

[? jovial music]

I forgot how hard these classes are, you know.

And I can't even, uh, concentrate on what that old lady was saying.

Yeah, how are you supposed to concentrate on anything?

You know, the women, although ignorant and naive, are at their physical apex.

You gotta look over your shoulder every three seconds to make sure

- there's not an active shooter - Right?

and the teacher is like a draconian bore.

Yeah, how are you even supposed to know what to study?

You know what? I don't know that, either.

Seriously, everything's apparently in a portal,

and I tried to get in the portal, but I can't get in.

You need a computer science degree.

[laughs] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Are you on drugs? - Yeah, yeah.

Goddamn it, Dee. I I told you not to do Ritterall.

No, I didn't do Ritterall. No, I-I found some coke.

- Oh, you bitch. - Yeah.

- Do you have any more? - A little bit.

Give me some. Give me some.

Come on, come on, come on

Yeah.

- [grunts] Why'd I do that? - Yeah.

Aw, what the hell?

Is that Mac over there studying his brains off?

- Yeah. - He's got a partner though, a study buddy?

- That's cheating. You can't do that. -Don't worry, Dee.

I did a little something to nuke his confidence.

Dude, how do you not know this answer?

I've gone over it with you, like, five times.

No, I know, I Hold on. There's something weird in my What is this?

Oh. Ew!

What is that? Oh, my God, that smells like shit.

- Does that smell like shit to you? - Dude. I don't wanna smell it.

- No, I know, but just smell it. - I don't wanna smell it.

- Is that What? - [laughs]

Did you put a Tootsie Roll in his ear?

I did.

- Do you think it's poop? - [Dennis] Yeah.

[study partner] No, I don't think it's poop.

I-I popped a Tootsie Roll in there, yeah.

I-I shoved it in my asshole for a little while too,

- so it smells like shit. - Did you?

- That's why it smells bad. - Yeah.

- Wow, nice touch. - Thank you.

Okay, Mr. Kelly.

- Yeah. - This should be an easy one.

Backpacks are to books as coffee cans are to

A, coffee. B, rice. Or C, dirt.

[smacks lips]

I'd like to answer D, a "stab" infection.

Interesting.

Yeah, you almost had me.

[chuckles] And how do you come by this answer, Charlie?

Well [stammers] you know, backpacks can be very "cummerbund" to carry around.

They can pull on your necks, causing chronic injury,

but at the heart of that problem are the books inside.

Coffee cans can also cause injuries too.

They could have sharp edges if opened improperly,

and those could lead to cuts, which could lead to "stab" infections.

[professors murmuring]

I see.

And why didn't you answer A, coffee?

Well, 'cause coffee cans don't hold coffee.

Coffee is a liquid.

[chuckles] Coffee cans hold coffee beans,

and this particular can has 627 beans inside of it, but no coffee. [chuckles]

And how do you think you know that?

Well, I heard the number when you put it down.

Yeah, just like I can hear you have two pencils in your right pocket

because of the volume of your right footsteps.

You tread lightly on that foot because you don't want to get poked.

Yeah, there there you go.

[gasps] Amazing.

Somebody do something?

Some-- Did you do Did you do something? Do it again. I missed it.

[Frank] This is the most important thing that you could do in college.

- Okay. Oh. - Get laid.

Because girls just wanna have new experiences.

- So let's find you the perfect girl. - Okay.

How about her? With the can in her hand.

Oh! Oh. No, no, no, no, no, I-I don't think she's interested in me.

G, you got to swing for the fences in college.

Don't worry about it. I know what to say.

I'm gonna be right behind you,

- whispering in your ear. - Okay.

Remember the moves that I taught you earlier.

- Yes. - Yeah, yeah, you do.

Okay, let's go, come on.

[? electronic music]

Hi, I'm G. I'm on the China Express to sexy town.

What? It's too loud. I can't--

Are you trying to talk to me?

Compliment her tits.

Okay, look, what do you creeps want?

Hi, I'm Frank Reynolds, a local billionaire

and all-around good time.

Uh, I'm pulling a Back to School.

This is my friend, G.

- Hi. - He's going to be rich too someday,

but right now he's not looking for attachments.

He's "down to clown," as the kids say,

and he's got some exotic moves in the sack that you've probably never tried.

Show her the hip thing. Do the hip thing.

- Do I have to? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go on.

Watch this. Watch this. Check this out.

Go on, do it. Do it bigger, bigger.

Yeah. Look at that. That is hot.

That is Chinese dong.

Not great from what I hear, but it's not nothing.

And you may never get to sample this again.

I mean, this is the time for you to have new experiences. Am I right?

- What the hell is going on here? - Huh?

You nerds trying to hit on my girl?

Nerds?

Who are you, Johnny Unitas?

Who? I'm captain of the crew team, grandpa.

What the hell is that kid doing?

- Oh. Y-You can stop, G. G, you can stop. - Oh, okay.

So you're the tough guys on campus, huh? You're the top jocks, eh?

Well, listen to this.

Tomorrow, G and I are gonna do a synchronized dive

from the high dive in front of the whole school.

Why?

Well, then we'll see who the nerds are.

Be there or be square.

- All right, man. - All right.

Wait, wait, wait, why-why are we doing that?

Dangerfield did it in Back to School. Trust me, it's gonna work. [chuckles]

Come on. Let's get a brew. I want to get loaded.

[? "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" plays]

? I study nuclear science I love my classes ?

? I got a crazy teacher Who wears dark glasses ?

? Things are going great ?

Uh, okay. Uh, the preconscious mind?

Yes. True.

Uh, I'm asking for the definition.

[whines] I don't know what that word means.

Nietzsche. Nietzsche!

I don't know.

? I got a job waiting For my graduation ?

? Fifty thou a year'll buy A lot of beer ?

? Things are going great and They're only getting better ?

? I'm doing all right Getting good grades ?

? The future's so bright I gotta wear shades ?

Okay, that's you up there, G. And you're gonna go boing.

Then you do a flip, and you boing straight in.

How's that? Too much?

All right, I'll tell you what. There's another option.

All right, this is easy.

- Okay? All right. - Yeah.

? I'm heavenly blessed And worldly wise ?

? I'm a peeping tom techie With X-ray eyes ?

? Things are going great and They're only getting better ?

- All right, jump! - No, no, no.

- Don't look down. Just look up. Look up. - Okay.

Ready, and one, two, three. Jump!

- [grunts, screams] - [cheers]

You did it! You did it, G!

[gasps]

[stammers] Is it hidden or no?

- Whoa. - [Mac] True. False.

I'm gonna toss the bookshelf, buddy.

[grunts]

[groans]

[? song fades out]

[Dee sniffing]

[whispers] Dee.

- Dee! - What? Yeah, what?

Are you on crack?

Yeah.

[sighs] Bitch.

Shh.

[pencils breaking]

I want to thank you all, and Mr. Kelly,

for your time and effort in the pursuit of this diagnosis.

It wasn't easy, but I think what we have uncovered

is the most extraordinary scientific discovery in the last 100 years.

It is the opinion of this esteemed community

that Mr. Charlie Kelly has a condition we would like to call--

He left.

- What? - He just walked out the door.

Oh.

[? jovial music]

[whistles]

Mr. Kelly! Mr. Kelly, wait.

- [Charlie] Hey. - Why did you leave?

Oh. Well, uh, I saw you put your folder down.

So when someone is no longer holding an object--

That they've been holding while giving a lecture or a speech or something

and they put it down, yeah, they're done talking.

- Fascinating. - Yeah.

Well, wouldn't you like to hear our diagnosis?

Oh. Cool. Uh, of what?

- Of you. - Of me? [chuckles] What about me?

Don't you want to know what you are?

Uh

I'm Charlie.

Uh, yes, sorry. I mean what you have.

Uh

No. Huh? Wh-What? No, what I have is to get to the pool.

Yeah, my buddy's doing a big dive.

[? jovial music]

Whole school is gonna be there.

[Frank] Huh.

I thought there'd be more people here.

[whistles]

Oh, I-I-I think this is too high.

Ooh. I'm with you, kid. This is very high.

Uh, do we have to do this?

No, we don't. You do.

It can't be all about tests and books, G.

You got to take some wild risks in order to pass the test of life.

- Okay. - Yeah, give me your glasses.

- Okay. - Yeah, go on, go ahead.

- Do your thing. Go on. - Okay.

All right, ready? Go on, go on up there.

Remember the training. You can do this, G, all right?

- G? - Yes.

Take a leap of faith, kid.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- On my count. - Okay.

- Ready? All right. - Uh

- [Frank] One - Okay.

two

- Okay. - three.

- I jump! - Jump! [cheers]

Flip!

Fly! [grunting]

[? dramatic music]

Yeah!

Oh

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

My bad, G!

- [Dennis] Move! - [Mac] Get out of th

- [Dee] Look out, please. - [Mac] Scoot.

Make way. We're trying to see something here.

[Mac] Dumbass kids. Move.

[grunts] I know I aced this thing.

Yeah, I guarantee you I aced it.

Yeah. Hey, um, you weren't putting shit in my ear, were you?

Put something in your ear?

What are you [chuckles] What are you talking about, man?

Uh, I don't see us.

- I don't see us either. - I don't think we're on this.

[Mac] Wait, what do you mean?

- Where are our grades? - Hang on a second.

- Did she not grade us? - Are you kidding me? What the hell?

Ugh. Goddamn it. You know what?

[sighs] Okay, I think I know what happened here.

I'm a little ashamed to admit it,

but you know, we never actually, like, enrolled in the school,

so maybe that's why they didn't grade us?

Did we have to?

Uh, probably.

I skimmed the website, but there was, like, so many words.

Yeah, who reads fine print?

- There's a website? - There's a website, yeah,

- for the university. - Goddamn it.

That old bitch took advantage of me.

What old bitch? What are you talking about?

[stammers] The Noth-- Nobody.

[Charlie] Yo, what's up?

Hey, Charlie! Hey, did you get your diagnosis?

Uh, why? I'm not sick, you know what I mean?

I don't need some teacher talking a bunch of words at me

telling me what I am, 'cause I'm good, dude.

Yeah, what is the point of all this, you know?

- School. - Look, we are who we are.

- No diagnosis is gonna change that. - I am what I am.

Look, if you want more information about yourself,

hey, that's fine, good on you,

but I don't need to take a test or get a diagnosis to find out how smart I am.

- I know I'm smart. Know what I mean? - I like that.

- Yeah, I got what you were going for. - Yo. Let's get out of here.

- Oh, dude, how's that kid doing? - Yeah?

Oh, not good. He failed the most important test in life.

- Which is what? - Don't do a bunch of shit

some guy you just met tells you to do.

- Of course. - I mean, that's common sense.

- [Dee] Yeah. - Who does that?

- Street smarts. - I diagnose you as dumb, kid.

- Dumb. - Yeah.

He did everything I told him to do.

You know, you definitely don't need a rocket surgeon to tell you that.

Right. Wait, did you say "rocket surgeon"?

I don't know. You know what I meant.

I'm still coming off the crack. Just give me a break.

Hey, Dennis, you didn't put anything into my ear, did you?

[? Jude Cole's "Back to School" plays]

? It's your life And I'm not gonna live it ?

? A change is coming And it's overdue ?

? I'm gonna take you Over the limit ?

? You know I'm only Looking out for you ?

? I'll be there When you're gettin' it right ?

? That's the beauty Of living my life ?

? Hold on, baby, I'm takin' you back to school ?

? When logic fails Don't lose your head ?

? You just turn to me instead ?

? Hold on, baby, now here we go back ?

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