Original subtitles

And when Eric passed me no study class, I thought I was gonna die.

What's the matter with the kids? You need a bath?

Archie, he's very neat.

He's a nice-looking boy.

Well, how do you know?

I've seen him. Oh.

Eric happens to be the cutest guy in the entire school.

He's the quarterback of the football team, and he gets the highest marks.

Oh, he gets the highest marks, huh?

Well, you know, when I was in school, we had a special name for the boy that got

the highest marks.

Egghead? No, no, that name came much later on. We used to call him a Fink.

That's terrible. Of course you asked me. Go on talking there.

He could date any girl he wanted to. He once even dated a senior.

Whoop-dee-doo. Why do I have to hear this? Why not?

Because what happened to the kid who used to be here last year? Who all used

to talk about cartoons there and stuffed animals and roller skates? Nowadays, all

I hear about is boys, boys, boys, which I hate.

She's growing up.

Not while I'm around, she is.

So, uh, come on, huh?

Talk about something else, huh? Anything else?

Okay.

Let's talk about punk rock.

Oh, come on.

Oh, I know what you're trying to do. You're just trying to drive me nuts and

drive me out of the house.

Well, all right, I'll go. I'll go, go, go, go, go out of the house.

And I ain't got money to put a rope over your head.

Eric passed me a note yesterday.

Oh, yeah? What'd it say?

Could I borrow your ruler?

Boy, have you got it, Ben.

Well, didn't you ever feel like this?

Oh, sure.

My first love lasted a year.

Well, did it take you out a lot?

Nah, I was only 12.

How old was he?

35.

Wow.

He was my orthodontist.

I wanted to see him so badly, I used to go every Saturday to have my braces

tightened. How could you talk?

Oh, I could talk. I just couldn't smile.

You do some crazy things when you're in love.

Pink I must be.

Oh, you are.

Does it show?

A little.

You're eating ethereal with a fork.

Ah, strange but true, huh, Harry?

It says here a priest challenged the devil. The devil proved his power by

floating a possessed man to the ceiling of a church upside down.

Try not having it.

Indochina. Indochina.

You believe that, Arch?

Harry, that's the one paper that don't lie.

And anyway, that ain't the point.

Now, what's the point? The point is that the chink deserved that for going into a

Catholic church in the first place.

Archie, in case you haven't noticed, we have some customers coming in, and we

could use a hand.

In case you ain't noticed, I'm the boss in here.

Don't be fresh.

take that to Stephanie? Yes, I can please take that to Stephanie. Don't be

fresh.

There you go, kiddo. Here's your lunch. And I can hardly believe you're ordering

this thing. Peach, hams, and a bowl of cottage cheese.

It's low-cal.

Healthier for me.

Ah, your regular hamburg is good enough. Gives you plenty of pep. And then the

french fries, they give a healthy glisten glow to a kid's complexion.

Hi, Stephanie.

Hi, Eric.

Oh, Eric.

Oh, so this is the kid with the high marks here, huh?

That's enough.

Don't do that to me, huh?

How you doing? What do you want?

I remember Stephanie saying she's luncher every day, so if I'd walk her

back to school.

I think she can find a school for herself, you know, unless they moved it

since this morning.

Nice.

I'm always nice there. I'm talking to the boy. I hear you're the big brains in

the school.

Not really. I just study a lot.

Well,

Bunny, you don't look smart.

Pardon me?

Well, I mean to say there's a kind of a look to smart, you know?

It's the little runt with the Coke bottle eyeglasses there and the skin as

white as toilet paper.

Well,

thanks. I'm saying.

Uncle Archie, don't you have a lot of customers to wait on?

Yeah, but they can wait a little bit, you know. I'm trying to say something to

the boy here.

What's your name again? Eric. Yeah, Eric.

Now, you're a boy and you're a friend, but you cannot be a boy friend.

Do you follow me, my friend?

Yes, sir.

Well, go ahead, sit down, sit down.

You sit in that chair there and you sit in that chair over there and please

don't let me see the two chairs creeping together there, huh?

Billy, step over this way, please, huh?

Please, just keep an eye on this, huh?

Am I wrong or did he hate me?

Well, I'd say you're being barely tolerated on a trial basis.

Congratulations.

Hello.

Hi, Eric.

I'm Billy, Stephanie's cousin.

I saw you play football once. You look terrific.

Thanks. So do you.

Thank you.

Do you work here all the time? Oh, of course not.

Archie lets me out at night to fix the dinner.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

She's nice, isn't she?

Oh, yeah, nice.

Say, uh, are you still having trouble with those algebra problems?

Am I ever.

Maybe I could come over to your house tonight and help you study.

You really want to?

I really want to.

Well, wait right here. I have to go ask my uncle.

Uncle Archie! Yeah, what?

Could Eric please come over tonight and help me study?

Oh, the two of you just want to study over the house tonight, huh? No.

Oh, come on, Archie. Stay out of this. Let him come over.

I'll be there.

That ain't the point. I ain't gonna be there.

Why not?

This is a place of business here, kiddo. They can't get along here without me.

You mean you're going to miss the John Wayne Film Festival on TV?

Does that start tonight?

I thought in the TV Guide. The sagebrush kid.

That's one of the Duke's early classics.

Then you'll be home?

Oh, well, gee, I don't know. Harry?

You've got to be home for that. Oh, yeah, I think I've got to be home for

that. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Billy.

Oh, glad to help. He's really cute up close.

I know.

What does Steffi's young man look like, Arch?

Oh, well, Mr. Bernard, you've got to kind of close your eyes and try to

imagine a kind of a well-built, good-looking young kid there.

He might be a teenage version of me.

If you can feature that.

his life on the line, and this bum wants to sell me cars.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. I hope yous ain't planning to study over there.

The only other place is my room.

Do what I tell you. You study over there.

Now, listen, I don't like the way you're dressed there, you know?

Why not?

What's wrong with it?

Well, it's just that, you know, the way it looks. Come on, you're only 13.

Why do you have to rush through the loveliest years of your life, you sweet

obsolescence?

eyes. What do you got in your eyes there? Oh, look at all the blue.

You look like one of them peacocks getting ready to say, you who?

Hey, dressed up like that, you can't have your mind on no studying.

Sure I could.

I forgot something.

What'd you forget?

My perfume.

Listen, when you're up there, change into something else, huh? Just, I mean,

put on something that looks like nothing. Something shapeless.

I'm not gonna change my clothes. again, but I will fix my hair different. Call

me when Eric gets here, okay?

You put me through all this again, Lord, huh? Why?

You want me to get that, Archie? Please get that and listen, Billy. You gotta

help me around here. We gotta keep that kid innocent.

Hi, Billy. Hi, Eric. Come on in.

Where's your book?

It's all up here.

There's the kind of kid who's too smart for books, you know? That's what worries

me a little. Get over there.

What's your name?

What's your name again?

Eric. Yeah, Eric.

Well, listen, Eric.

I'm going to be spending the evening right here at home, you know, so watch

it.

Archie.

I am only warning the boy that me and the Duke is going to be spending an

evening here.

Come on in the kitchen, Eric. I made a cake for you and Steph.

Well, when you're out there, maybe you ought to explain some of the rules of

the house there, huh, Billy? You know, all the things I won't allow around

here. We're safe, Arch. He's only got till 10 o'clock.

Have a seat. Steph will be right down. Oh, no hurry.

So, what are you studying?

Right now?

You.

Something wrong?

Oh, no, no.

Everything's perfect.

Oh, well.

Would you like some milk? No, thanks.

Okay, well, Steph should be down real soon.

Oh, I don't mind waiting.

You're here.

What do you mean?

The reason I'm here.

It's chemistry.

I thought you were studying math.

Oh, that's for Stephanie.

The chemistry's between you and me.

Can't you feel it?

No, I can't feel it. And you'd best not either.

Oh, come on. Don't fight it.

You're just as attracted to me as I am to you.

You'd better stop watching old movies. Turn on hockey.

I mean it. You're here to see Stephanie.

Hey, don't worry about coming between Stephanie and me.

I'm very mature for my age.

She's much too young.

Yeah, I think I know the feeling.

You were just a couple of years older. Yeah? You'd be big enough to hit.

Wow, that's heavy.

Heavy? Hey,

hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What in the hell is going on in this here kitchen?

Get out. Oh, come on, Billy.

Get out.

You're beautiful when you're angry. Oh, get a new line, kid. I just heard the

dude saying that to Gabby Hayes.

Get out.

Get out. And don't come back, Pilgrim, because my nieces don't want to see no

more boys around here, never.

What a fresh kid that was.

Why would he be doing a thing like that to you, Billy? God, you're practically

an older woman.

You don't think I wanted that kid to kiss me, do you? Oh, no. Oh, jeez. I

hope not.

I mean, he grabbed me.

It's a good thing we didn't let him get to Stephanie. She wouldn't know how to

handle a little mover like that. Oh, jeez. I keep telling you this and you

won't pay no attention to me. All boys is animals. You got to keep them away

from you. And there's only one way to keep them away from you.

How?

Keep them away from you.

It's just as simple as that.

And that's what you got to tell Steffi.

Me?

Yes, you.

Geez, I'm a man. I can't talk about... You know, it's one of them women's

subjectives there.

Eric should have been here by now.

Maybe he had an accident.

Good idea.

Now, listen.

Billy wants to have a talk with you about something.

that happened here. You want to talk to her, don't you, Billy? Yes, you do.

All right, the two of you, just sit down here and have that little talk. See, I

want to go out and finish watching my picture. Geez, I'm missing all the good

parts.

Talk to me about what?

Well, Eric left.

Left?

You mean he was here?

Yeah. Why don't you sit down, Stephanie?

What happened?

Why did he leave?

If you sit down, I'll... Uncle Archie stayed here. Did he throw him out?

Stephanie. Why does he do these things? No, listen, Stephanie. I'm never going

to talk to him again as long as I live. Stephanie, wait. Why do you do these

things? Now, wait a minute. I ain't going to take the rap for this. I did

not throw that kid out of here. She done that. I mean, after all, he wasn't

trying to kiss me.

What are you talking about?

Well, well, I... Didn't you tell him about it out there? I thought you was

going to talk to him.

Not that it was anything important. It's just that the kid got himself all

excited over Billy there, and he busted his leash.

How could you kiss him when you know how I feel about him?

Steph, I didn't kiss him.

He came on to me.

Eric wouldn't do that.

Oh, I knew you liked him from the minute you saw him. I saw the way you looked at

him in the restaurant.

How did you look at him?

I don't believe that.

I don't want you sleeping in my room anymore.

Oh, now, wait a minute there. Where else is she supposed to sleep? Now, look at

this. The whole evening is shot.

I thought you was out there explaining the whole thing. I mean, whatever you

said, I don't know, but couldn't you maybe use a little way called tack?

I mean, kids at this age, they get very high strung. Don't you know that?

Archie, just watch your movie.

Yeah, well, that's all I want to do is just watch the movie here.

God, and look at this.

Ah, well, I ain't gonna worry about it.

It'll all blow over.

Just take it from me. I know what I'm talking about.

Now, this is awful.

I'm taking just a little bit of shame.

For what?

For making your cousin Billy spend all night on accounts.

It's better than having a traitor in your room.

Come on, will you? Billy ain't no traitor. What are you talking about?

This is all so stupid. Can't we forget it?

I'll never forget.

She stole my Eric.

What are you doing about your Eric? What do you want him for? He's nothing but a

little savage.

He is not.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I seen him.

Going for her with his kisses there.

The two lips of him like magnets.

Well, I read in science that magnets can only attract objects that are

compatible. Oh, what an awful name to call your little cousin if there's the

one thing Billy ain't that's compatible.

Now, I want you to go in there and call her nicely for her breakfast.

No. What?

I don't want to go near her.

Well, I don't want no...

in this house.

Do what I tell you. Go in there and wake her up very sweetly and quietly and call

her for her breakfast. Now you do that. Now you obey me.

Do that.

Billy.

Time for you to get up.

Get over here.

That wasn't very nice.

Now stop all of this violence here. I hate violence. Any more violence, I'm

going to beat somebody up.

Now let's sit down and talk this thing over like human beings here.

Now you go way over there, you go way over there.

really being such a baby about this. Baby?

How would she feel if someone she trusted... Now, just a minute. Just a

minute.

I happen to be the only living eyewitness to this whole thing here.

I know what happened.

Now, will you just let me very quickly, it'll take me a second, explain?

Explain. Please do.

It all started when I'm sitting over in my chair watching the movies.

Duke Wayne is about to save Gabby Hayes from the rustlers.

Around that time, the doorbell rung. Now, Billy goes to the door, she opens

the door, and she lets in your little friend, what's his name? Eric.

Whatever.

All right, so he comes into the room.

These two were talking back and forth, and then, for some reason, Billy takes

him out to the kitchen.

Archie, don't help me.

Will you let me finish half, please?

Now, I go back to watching the pictures. She's sitting in my chair, and then

comes a commercial, you know, the one with the knife cutting through the brick

there.

So, I get up, and I go into the kitchen for a beer.

And?

And I see your little boyfriend there going for Billy.

Why? Why?

Honey, nobody knows why boys do things like that, you know? Sometimes they get

too close to girls. Did you let him get too close to you?

She said he looked cute up close.

Oh, well, see, that's what you've done wrong.

Oh, my God.

I knew you were coming on to him, Billy.

Oh, sure I was.

And as soon as his mom lets him stay out past 10 o'clock, we're gonna go steady.

I wish you'd never have come here.

Well, I don't have to stay.

Oh, Billy, Billy, what are you telling me here?

Well, you have just made your little cousin leave home.

Ain't that nice? And we'll never see her again.

Well, I don't know what to do.

At my wits' end here, I'm trying to make peace, but I guess it's going to take a

bigger genius than me here.

You need a peacemaker in this house that will scare you into making peace.

Maybe somebody like our beloved Secretary of State, Alexander Scotch.

Well, all I know is that none of this would have happened if you was where you

belong this morning, which is in school.

It's Saturday.

Oh.

Gee, Saturday. That's right. I got to open up the saloon.

Well, I can't stay no more.

And if you want to go on fighting, then go on fighting. I can't help it. Gee,

fight it out to the death.

I just hope that when I get back...

Whoever is left here will have a little bite of lunch for me.

Well, how you doing?

Hello. Ah, jeez.

You and Billy talk to each other, yes?

No. Oh, come on, kid. How long are you going to keep this up?

Forever.

Well, you're young, you know. That may be okay for you, but I don't think I can

wait that long.

And what are we going to do?

We're going to eat lunch.

I made a vegetarian special for a change. I hate vegetarian.

You eat too much beef.

Hey, don't you know that the good Lord intended us to eat a lot of beef there,

huh? That's why he made cows run slow and he give them bum teeth so they

couldn't defend themselves from us.

Ah, there's a rapping on the door.

Never fails. To me, you get food on the table, there's a rapping on the door.

I hope it's a friend of mine. I told him to get the hell out of here.

Nobody.

Oh, hey, hey, there's that kid there. What's his name? Running down the

street.

Eric? Yeah, yeah.

Over here, look.

See, there he goes.

Hey, and there's flowers.

Oh, well, I'm going to need more of an apology than that. They're for me.

Yeah? To the prettiest girl in Queens, I'm sorry about what happened. Please

forgive me. I love you, Billy.

Billy.

What a creep.

Oh, gee whiz. Oh.

Listen, don't cry, honey. You don't want to do that.

I feel so stupid.

I hate him.

I hate me.

No, no, no. That ain't no good. You don't want to hate nobody. That don't do

no good. What are we going to do now?

Nobody knows.

Listen, honey, these human tragedies, they always bring on a terrible thirst

in me. You don't mind if I run out to the kitchen and get myself a beer? Do

something.

I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again.

I understand.

Honestly, it's okay.

Why do I think he liked me?

Because that's what you wanted to think.

You want me to throw those away?

No.

Let's keep them.

They're nice.

Well, what do we do?

Nothing.