Original subtitles

Oh, I don't know if I'll ever be that good. Oh, of course you will. You've got

all the moves down there while you needed some practice.

Just remember, Steph, the main thing's enthusiasm.

Let's see you number four.

Okay.

Give me an A!

A! Give me an F!

F! Give me a T!

T! Give me a break.

What are you all screaming about? I can hear you halfway down the saloon.

Stephanie made the cheerleading finals.

Oh, that.

Yeah. Oh, well, that's very nice there.

Congratulations, kiddo.

And who are you with the vulture on the front?

Kathy Scott.

You remember Kathy?

She's our cheerleader.

She's going to help me practice.

Oh, yeah. How are you, young lady?

Hi, Mr. Bunker. Show your uncle number seven, Steph.

Hold it, hold it. I think I survived number seven this morning over

breakfast. Don't do no more. Listen.

Why don't the two of you go up to your room there and do all of this here and

take the barn blinds with you?

Your pom-poms. Show a little enthusiasm.

I ain't got nothing against cheerleading there. In fact, I got a little cheer for

you. Cheer, cheer, cheer.

How about a beer?

Here.

Here what? What's this?

It's from school. I need you to sign it. It's for a special class.

Well, what's special about it?

It's just health.

Health. I don't like the sound of health.

Look at this.

Ho, ho, ho, and I'm right, too.

A course in sex education and family living.

The hell with this.

You ain't gonna take no how-to course in you-know-what.

I don't know what.

That's why I should take the course.

I told you to tell him it was health. I tried.

Who knew he was going to read it?

How is Stephanie supposed to learn what she's supposed to learn if you won't

talk to her?

She's going to learn all she needs to know on her wedding night if her husband

ain't drunk.

Terrific. And where is the man supposed to learn?

Men never learn anything.

What I mean to say is that they're born knowing all of that stuff.

And what the good Lord didn't teach them there, they can pick the rest up in the

streets where that stuff belongs anyway.

Do you believe this?

Sure, my father's the same way. He wouldn't let me take the class last year

or this year.

Your father's only trying to protect you, little number.

But don't sit around doing nothing here. Go on up to your room, do something

useful.

And where's my beer?

Here's your beer.

Billy, Billy, don't.

I just didn't want it to settle.

What are you talking about? You're never supposed to shake beer. There ain't

nothing to settle in beer. Ain't you never learned that?

Thank you.

That's one thing I won't have to learn on my wedding night.

Get out of here. You're only trying to drive me nuts.

Look at this now. I'm going to have to wait for my beer to settle.

would you do a thing like that? Walk straight into a room and turn the

channel, huh?

I was watching that.

Gilligan was about to negotiate with the cannibals.

Masterpiece theater is on. Let's watch something intelligent.

There's entirely too much intelligence on TV.

And I hate that PBS theater. They're always trying to ram intelligence down

my throat.

You know what I don't like about them? They don't have commercials.

You like commercials?

Hey, commercials is very American.

Something else I like about commercials, they give you a chance to go to the

service.

I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get that. It's nice. I'll turn off the set.

Good evening.

I'm David Jacobs, and this is Darcy Green. We're here tonight on behalf

of... Before you get started on the pitch there, buddy, let me give you a

piece of advice.

Don't ever go begging door to door looking as dressed up as you.

Don't be so rude. I ain't gonna hand out no money.

We're not here for money.

We represent concerned parents who want to stop sex education in Stephanie's

school. Now you can be rude.

Did Stephanie bring home a parental commission slip from school today?

Yes, as a matter of fact, she did. Please come in. Please step inside.

And don't pay no attention to her over there.

She brought that thing home about the sex education class, wanted me to sign

it. I gave it a deep six.

Well, we'll just take a couple of minutes of your valuable time. I can see

that you are a gentleman of intelligence and good judgment.

Oh, thank you. And I wasn't doing nothing, just watching my masterpiece

theater. Please,

please, sit down, sit down. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Archie, there is nothing wrong with sex education. I had it myself when I was in

the eighth grade.

Don't be bragging about a thing like that in front of respectable strangers.

The course has changed a great deal since then, Mr. Bunker.

Today, our children are being exposed to such things as birth control. Oh, my.

Intercourse. That's so unnatural.

Slides, a venereal disease.

Oh, help us, Lord.

Ad infinitum.

I knew a sergeant in the army that caught a dose of that in Italy and the

skin started to peel right off.

Stephanie should know about these things.

But out you.

The school is giving an orientation meeting for the parents at the school on

Thursday night, Mr. Bunker, and we would like you to be there just to see how far

this thing has gone.

I gotta tell you the truth, I ain't much for meetings, you know.

But I will promise you this.

I won't let that little kid of mine anywhere near that class.

Now, that's only half the battle.

Now, think of all the boys her age.

Boys she'll be dating soon.

Taking a course like this is like dousing a fire with gasoline.

I don't want to hear that.

Mr. Bunker, you'd be appalled to know what's going on out there.

Now, we actually found a teacher in Philadelphia who was using this material

as a visual aid.

It's not for your eyes, young lady.

Please, look off in the distance, will you?

Now, we don't want this kind of thing in school, do we?

Mr. Bunker?

Huh? I?

Oh, no, Satan. That is disgusting.

That's nothing but hard, poor...

Come on, Archie. No professional teacher would show something like that to a

class. Will you keep quiet there, Peanut? What the hell do you know about

it? I certainly do intend to go to this execution.

That's official.

Orientation. Yeah, yeah, that.

Try to go with an open mind.

Open mind, open mind.

This is what comes of having an open mind right there. Don't look at that.

Oh, no, no, she's right.

You come with an open mind. Just be prepared to wallow in moral degradation.

I look forward to that, madam.

Well, thanks for the ride, Bloom, but I gotta tell you, you're wrong about this

like you are about most things.

These classes do nothing but feed prison to our children. That's ridiculous. That

kind of thinking went out with the Ezzo bunker.

Oh, well, you know what.

Excuse me, is that Archie Bunker?

That's right. My name's Ron Scott. My daughter Kathy's a friend of

Stephanie's. Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the little guy with the pom-pom. That's right. Yeah, she was

over there. Hey, she told me you wouldn't let her take this class

neither. That's right. There's a lot of us here tonight who feel exactly the

same way. I'm very glad you're with us. Hey, boy, I wouldn't have missed it.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm ready to start if everyone would please just come inside.

Is that the teacher?

That's right.

Oh, gee, I mean, for teaching sex, they really should get an ugly woman.

The test that you parents just took is identical to the ones that I give to the

students. It helps us to identify the common misconceptions people have in

this area.

Thank you.

You see, I spot one right away.

Here's one person that answers true to the question, can you get venereal

disease from a toilet seat?

Now, simply, this is not true.

Yeah, but like I always say, white take a chance, huh?

It's amazing to me how many adults don't understand the basics of reproduction.

Oh, yeah?

Then how did we get these kids in this class in the first place, lady?

Why don't you let the lady talk?

Look, here's what I mean. This person defines fertilization as spreading steer

manure on the lawn.

Well, that's just plain dumb.

It's true.

And here, this person described Labia as the place where Ronnie sent his jets to

cream Gaddafi.

You know what's so funny about that? It was in all the papers.

I don't know why we have to take these kids' tests in a place like this.

That's right, and these words shouldn't be taught in the first place. Yeah,

that's right. What kind of words do you want to use with your kids? Poo-poo and

tushy? Well, that happens to be traditional and very decent words.

I just don't believe that our children should be subjected to Masters and

Johnson.

I caught that act years ago on Ed Sullivan.

Them guys was dirty even then.

Good to see you. How goes the battle?

Well, it's exciting.

We'd really like to have you join us, Archie.

Oh, well, you got an LP, right? Are you a veteran, Archie?

You're damn right.

Well, you can think of this as a war.

A war against the moral decay of our society.

Have you been to a library recently?

I don't think in the last week or so.

Here's a partial list of some of the most offensive books that our children

are being encouraged to read.

Catch 22.

Rampant sex in Italy in World War II.

Gee, I could have wrote that book myself.

Our bodies are cells.

They use nude photos and diagrams.

That's got to go.

Catch her in the rye.

A 16-year-old utters profanities from cover to cover.

Oh, geez, put a match to that. Wait a minute. I read that book. It happens to

be a classic story of a teenager growing up. Oh, come on.

So can we count on you, Archie?

Gee, Ron, I don't know.

Would you consider letting us use your restaurant here one night a week for our

meetings? We'd pay for all the food and drink.

Oh.

Don't. Shut up, you. Yes, yes.

I would do that. I could squeeze yous in here one night a week and glad to do us.

And as long as you're paying for the drink, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd

give you a break on the mix.

I don't want to be here those nights.

Get out of here.

Don't pay no attention to her, my niece there.

You know, their whole generation's got their brains scrambled from the rock and

roll. I know what you mean.

We're very concerned about the suggestive lyrics in rock music, too.

Have you ever heard the Who?

Who? Yes, they're the worst.

Who? That's right, they're scammers.

We're going to try and get their songs taken off the radio.

Yeah, get rid of them.

Thank you for your support.

Oh, think nothing of it, Ron. It was nice to see you. Gentlemen, nice to meet

you. Hi, Ron. So long, Ron. So long there, Ron. Come back soon. Hey, hell of

a nice guy. And he certainly knows what he's talking about.

So he got a little confused here about this music there.

What's he getting at?

He was talking about a rock group called Who.

I don't know.

The man never got to that.

You know, if Uncle Archie has his way, I really won't learn anything until I'm

married.

Steph, if you ever have a question about anything at all, feel free to ask me.

You know a lot, huh?

Just ask a question.

How old were you when you started dating?

I was 14, I guess.

Did you have a boyfriend?

Well, several. You know, you go out with a guy for a while and then you break up.

I went with this guy Armand for a year and a half.

Did you make out a lot?

Oh, well, it was a lot. I mean, you know, we went to the movies or we went

to parties. We did some kissing, but it was all innocent.

What is tetanus?

It's just like making out, only warmer.

No, it's different.

It's, uh, it's, uh, no deal.

You're a cheerleader.

Oh, thank you. Oh, my goodness.

Stephanie, you do it. Oh, when's our first practice?

Next Tuesday or Wednesday, I guess.

Well, let me take your coat. No, that's okay.

My father's going to pick me up in a few minutes.

Could I have a glass of water?

Well, of course. Come on in the kitchen.

Oh, I've got to call Amy. She's going to be so excited.

You know, all of my life, I have wanted to be a cheerleader. Now I am one.

You know something?

I just came from the free clinic.

I'm pregnant.

Two months.

Oh, Kathy.

You just started dating.

It just happened.

We went to David's house to watch TV.

you hear that?

That's what my cousin told me.

I feel so dumb.

Didn't your parents ever, didn't they ever talk to you about anything?

Maybe she'll tell him.

I'll get that. I'll get that. Stay where you are there. I was just coming

downstairs anyhow.

I'll get it.

Hi, Archie. Is Kathy here?

Oh, hello there, Ron. Yeah, yeah. Come on in. Come on in. She's around the

house someplace.

Good news.

It's terrible, isn't it? What?

Oh, what was you going to say?

Well, we... Got about 25% of all the parents to get their kids out of that

class. Then we spoke to some school board members, and they're going to come

meet with our group.

Yeah, that's well, Ron.

Well, the next big step is the strategy meeting at your restaurant on Monday

night, if that's all right.

Monday night, I don't think that would be too good, Ron.

Oh, well, then Tuesday or Wednesday's fine, too.

Well, I tell you, Ron, it ain't exactly tonight.

It's something else that... Hey,

you know, I'm right with you and everything.

I meant to ask you, is there anything they teach in that there class that you

could think of as being good?

For instance, do they teach the little girls how not to get

themselves in trouble, you know what I mean?

That kind of instruction encourages that kind of activity.

Yeah, I know.

Well, this was sort of a business thought I had.

It maybe wouldn't look too good if I was to let the Jane out to one special

group, you know.

Come on, Archie. It's not like we're the Communist Party.

We're a group of concerned parents.

Well, I'm concerned too, Ron.

The other night you were for us 100%. Hi,

sweetheart. You just about ready?

Yeah, Dad.

Archie, I want you to reconsider.

We have a responsibility.

I want you to see how important this is.

We're talking about the children.

I know we're talking about the children.

I'll let you know, huh, Ron?

I'll let you know.

All right, Archie.

Think it over.

And when you do, I know you're going to see that we're right.

Archie, I'll be getting back in touch with you.

In the meantime, best of luck, Ron.

Thank you.

Come on, Princess.

Where are you two going?

Upstairs.

Yeah, well, wait a minute.

Maybe you ought to go to that there special class you was talking about. You

bring me the slip, I'll sign it again for you.

Really?

I don't believe you're changing your mind.

Well, you know, she's...

You know, she's older.

Older than Wednesday?

Yes.

Listen, you know what I always keep telling you? It's a jungle out there.

Now, uh, I'm a man of the world and nothing I love better than to sit down

to two years and learn you's all I know about everything.

But, I mean, you see me, look at this, being awake, home, busy all the time

there.

It's supposed to be a good course.

Yeah, well, all right. But you don't have to spend too much time at it, huh?

I mean, you don't have to get an A.

Just make sure that you don't enjoy it too much.

Well, don't be sitting there looking at me. Go on, do something useful.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When we were in the kitchen, you were listening.

What are you talking about? I never listened to nothing.