All language subtitles for Archie Bunkers Place s03e17 Sex and the Single Parent

Oh, I don't know if I'll ever be that
good. Oh, of course you will. You've got

all the moves down there while you
needed some practice.

Just remember, Steph, the main thing's
enthusiasm.

Let's see you number four.

Okay.

Give me an A!

A! Give me an F!

F! Give me a T!

T! Give me a break.

What are you all screaming about? I can
hear you halfway down the saloon.

Stephanie made the cheerleading finals.

Oh, that.

Yeah. Oh, well, that's very nice there.

Congratulations, kiddo.

And who are you with the vulture on the
front?

Kathy Scott.

You remember Kathy?

She's our cheerleader.

She's going to help me practice.

Oh, yeah. How are you, young lady?

Hi, Mr. Bunker. Show your uncle number
seven, Steph.

Hold it, hold it. I think I survived
number seven this morning over

breakfast. Don't do no more. Listen.

Why don't the two of you go up to your
room there and do all of this here and

take the barn blinds with you?

Your pom-poms. Show a little enthusiasm.

I ain't got nothing against cheerleading
there. In fact, I got a little cheer for

you. Cheer, cheer, cheer.

How about a beer?

Here.

Here what? What's this?

It's from school. I need you to sign it.
It's for a special class.

Well, what's special about it?

It's just health.

Health. I don't like the sound of
health.

Look at this.

Ho, ho, ho, and I'm right, too.

A course in sex education and family
living.

The hell with this.

You ain't gonna take no how-to course in
you-know-what.

I don't know what.

That's why I should take the course.

I told you to tell him it was health. I
tried.

Who knew he was going to read it?

How is Stephanie supposed to learn what
she's supposed to learn if you won't

talk to her?

She's going to learn all she needs to
know on her wedding night if her husband

ain't drunk.

Terrific. And where is the man supposed
to learn?

Men never learn anything.

What I mean to say is that they're born
knowing all of that stuff.

And what the good Lord didn't teach them
there, they can pick the rest up in the

streets where that stuff belongs anyway.

Do you believe this?

Sure, my father's the same way. He
wouldn't let me take the class last year

or this year.

Your father's only trying to protect
you, little number.

But don't sit around doing nothing here.
Go on up to your room, do something

useful.

And where's my beer?

Here's your beer.

Billy, Billy, don't.

I just didn't want it to settle.

What are you talking about? You're never
supposed to shake beer. There ain't

nothing to settle in beer. Ain't you
never learned that?

Thank you.

That's one thing I won't have to learn
on my wedding night.

Get out of here. You're only trying to
drive me nuts.

Look at this now. I'm going to have to
wait for my beer to settle.

would you do a thing like that? Walk
straight into a room and turn the

channel, huh?

I was watching that.

Gilligan was about to negotiate with the
cannibals.

Masterpiece theater is on. Let's watch
something intelligent.

There's entirely too much intelligence
on TV.

And I hate that PBS theater. They're
always trying to ram intelligence down

my throat.

You know what I don't like about them?
They don't have commercials.

You like commercials?

Hey, commercials is very American.

Something else I like about commercials,
they give you a chance to go to the

service.

I'll get that. I'll get that. I'll get
that. It's nice. I'll turn off the set.

Good evening.

I'm David Jacobs, and this is Darcy
Green. We're here tonight on behalf

of... Before you get started on the
pitch there, buddy, let me give you a

piece of advice.

Don't ever go begging door to door
looking as dressed up as you.

Don't be so rude. I ain't gonna hand out
no money.

We're not here for money.

We represent concerned parents who want
to stop sex education in Stephanie's

school. Now you can be rude.

Did Stephanie bring home a parental
commission slip from school today?

Yes, as a matter of fact, she did.
Please come in. Please step inside.

And don't pay no attention to her over
there.

She brought that thing home about the
sex education class, wanted me to sign

it. I gave it a deep six.

Well, we'll just take a couple of
minutes of your valuable time. I can see

that you are a gentleman of intelligence
and good judgment.

Oh, thank you. And I wasn't doing
nothing, just watching my masterpiece

theater. Please,

please, sit down, sit down. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Archie, there is nothing wrong with sex
education. I had it myself when I was in

the eighth grade.

Don't be bragging about a thing like
that in front of respectable strangers.

The course has changed a great deal
since then, Mr. Bunker.

Today, our children are being exposed to
such things as birth control. Oh, my.

Intercourse. That's so unnatural.

Slides, a venereal disease.

Oh, help us, Lord.

Ad infinitum.

I knew a sergeant in the army that
caught a dose of that in Italy and the

skin started to peel right off.

Stephanie should know about these
things.

But out you.

The school is giving an orientation
meeting for the parents at the school on

Thursday night, Mr. Bunker, and we would
like you to be there just to see how far

this thing has gone.

I gotta tell you the truth, I ain't much
for meetings, you know.

But I will promise you this.

I won't let that little kid of mine
anywhere near that class.

Now, that's only half the battle.

Now, think of all the boys her age.

Boys she'll be dating soon.

Taking a course like this is like
dousing a fire with gasoline.

I don't want to hear that.

Mr. Bunker, you'd be appalled to know
what's going on out there.

Now, we actually found a teacher in
Philadelphia who was using this material

as a visual aid.

It's not for your eyes, young lady.

Please, look off in the distance, will
you?

Now, we don't want this kind of thing in
school, do we?

Mr. Bunker?

Huh? I?

Oh, no, Satan. That is disgusting.

That's nothing but hard, poor...

Come on, Archie. No professional teacher
would show something like that to a

class. Will you keep quiet there,
Peanut? What the hell do you know about

it? I certainly do intend to go to this
execution.

That's official.

Orientation. Yeah, yeah, that.

Try to go with an open mind.

Open mind, open mind.

This is what comes of having an open
mind right there. Don't look at that.

Oh, no, no, she's right.

You come with an open mind. Just be
prepared to wallow in moral degradation.

I look forward to that, madam.

Well, thanks for the ride, Bloom, but I
gotta tell you, you're wrong about this

like you are about most things.

These classes do nothing but feed prison
to our children. That's ridiculous. That

kind of thinking went out with the Ezzo
bunker.

Oh, well, you know what.

Excuse me, is that Archie Bunker?

That's right. My name's Ron Scott. My
daughter Kathy's a friend of

Stephanie's. Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the little guy with the
pom-pom. That's right. Yeah, she was

over there. Hey, she told me you
wouldn't let her take this class

neither. That's right. There's a lot of
us here tonight who feel exactly the

same way. I'm very glad you're with us.
Hey, boy, I wouldn't have missed it.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm ready to start if everyone would
please just come inside.

Is that the teacher?

That's right.

Oh, gee, I mean, for teaching sex, they
really should get an ugly woman.

The test that you parents just took is
identical to the ones that I give to the

students. It helps us to identify the
common misconceptions people have in

this area.

Thank you.

You see, I spot one right away.

Here's one person that answers true to
the question, can you get venereal

disease from a toilet seat?

Now, simply, this is not true.

Yeah, but like I always say, white take
a chance, huh?

It's amazing to me how many adults don't
understand the basics of reproduction.

Oh, yeah?

Then how did we get these kids in this
class in the first place, lady?

Why don't you let the lady talk?

Look, here's what I mean. This person
defines fertilization as spreading steer

manure on the lawn.

Well, that's just plain dumb.

It's true.

And here, this person described Labia as
the place where Ronnie sent his jets to

cream Gaddafi.

You know what's so funny about that? It
was in all the papers.

I don't know why we have to take these
kids' tests in a place like this.

That's right, and these words shouldn't
be taught in the first place. Yeah,

that's right. What kind of words do you
want to use with your kids? Poo-poo and

tushy? Well, that happens to be
traditional and very decent words.

I just don't believe that our children
should be subjected to Masters and

Johnson.

I caught that act years ago on Ed
Sullivan.

Them guys was dirty even then.

Good to see you. How goes the battle?

Well, it's exciting.

We'd really like to have you join us,
Archie.

Oh, well, you got an LP, right? Are you
a veteran, Archie?

You're damn right.

Well, you can think of this as a war.

A war against the moral decay of our
society.

Have you been to a library recently?

I don't think in the last week or so.

Here's a partial list of some of the
most offensive books that our children

are being encouraged to read.

Catch 22.

Rampant sex in Italy in World War II.

Gee, I could have wrote that book
myself.

Our bodies are cells.

They use nude photos and diagrams.

That's got to go.

Catch her in the rye.

A 16-year-old utters profanities from
cover to cover.

Oh, geez, put a match to that. Wait a
minute. I read that book. It happens to

be a classic story of a teenager growing
up. Oh, come on.

So can we count on you, Archie?

Gee, Ron, I don't know.

Would you consider letting us use your
restaurant here one night a week for our

meetings? We'd pay for all the food and
drink.

Oh.

Don't. Shut up, you. Yes, yes.

I would do that. I could squeeze yous in
here one night a week and glad to do us.

And as long as you're paying for the
drink, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd

give you a break on the mix.

I don't want to be here those nights.

Get out of here.

Don't pay no attention to her, my niece
there.

You know, their whole generation's got
their brains scrambled from the rock and

roll. I know what you mean.

We're very concerned about the
suggestive lyrics in rock music, too.

Have you ever heard the Who?

Who? Yes, they're the worst.

Who? That's right, they're scammers.

We're going to try and get their songs
taken off the radio.

Yeah, get rid of them.

Thank you for your support.

Oh, think nothing of it, Ron. It was
nice to see you. Gentlemen, nice to meet

you. Hi, Ron. So long, Ron. So long
there, Ron. Come back soon. Hey, hell of

a nice guy. And he certainly knows what
he's talking about.

So he got a little confused here about
this music there.

What's he getting at?

He was talking about a rock group called
Who.

I don't know.

The man never got to that.

You know, if Uncle Archie has his way, I
really won't learn anything until I'm

married.

Steph, if you ever have a question about
anything at all, feel free to ask me.

You know a lot, huh?

Just ask a question.

How old were you when you started
dating?

I was 14, I guess.

Did you have a boyfriend?

Well, several. You know, you go out with
a guy for a while and then you break up.

I went with this guy Armand for a year
and a half.

Did you make out a lot?

Oh, well, it was a lot. I mean, you
know, we went to the movies or we went

to parties. We did some kissing, but it
was all innocent.

What is tetanus?

It's just like making out, only warmer.

No, it's different.

It's, uh, it's, uh, no deal.

You're a cheerleader.

Oh, thank you. Oh, my goodness.

Stephanie, you do it. Oh, when's our
first practice?

Next Tuesday or Wednesday, I guess.

Well, let me take your coat. No, that's
okay.

My father's going to pick me up in a few
minutes.

Could I have a glass of water?

Well, of course. Come on in the kitchen.

Oh, I've got to call Amy. She's going to
be so excited.

You know, all of my life, I have wanted
to be a cheerleader. Now I am one.

You know something?

I just came from the free clinic.

I'm pregnant.

Two months.

Oh, Kathy.

You just started dating.

It just happened.

We went to David's house to watch TV.

you hear that?

That's what my cousin told me.

I feel so dumb.

Didn't your parents ever, didn't they
ever talk to you about anything?

Maybe she'll tell him.

I'll get that. I'll get that. Stay where
you are there. I was just coming

downstairs anyhow.

I'll get it.

Hi, Archie. Is Kathy here?

Oh, hello there, Ron. Yeah, yeah. Come
on in. Come on in. She's around the

house someplace.

Good news.

It's terrible, isn't it? What?

Oh, what was you going to say?

Well, we... Got about 25% of all the
parents to get their kids out of that

class. Then we spoke to some school
board members, and they're going to come

meet with our group.

Yeah, that's well, Ron.

Well, the next big step is the strategy
meeting at your restaurant on Monday

night, if that's all right.

Monday night, I don't think that would
be too good, Ron.

Oh, well, then Tuesday or Wednesday's
fine, too.

Well, I tell you, Ron, it ain't exactly
tonight.

It's something else that... Hey,

you know, I'm right with you and
everything.

I meant to ask you, is there anything
they teach in that there class that you

could think of as being good?

For instance, do they teach the little
girls how not to get

themselves in trouble, you know what I
mean?

That kind of instruction encourages that
kind of activity.

Yeah, I know.

Well, this was sort of a business
thought I had.

It maybe wouldn't look too good if I was
to let the Jane out to one special

group, you know.

Come on, Archie. It's not like we're the
Communist Party.

We're a group of concerned parents.

Well, I'm concerned too, Ron.

The other night you were for us 100%.
Hi,

sweetheart. You just about ready?

Yeah, Dad.

Archie, I want you to reconsider.

We have a responsibility.

I want you to see how important this is.

We're talking about the children.

I know we're talking about the children.

I'll let you know, huh, Ron?

I'll let you know.

All right, Archie.

Think it over.

And when you do, I know you're going to
see that we're right.

Archie, I'll be getting back in touch
with you.

In the meantime, best of luck, Ron.

Thank you.

Come on, Princess.

Where are you two going?

Upstairs.

Yeah, well, wait a minute.

Maybe you ought to go to that there
special class you was talking about. You

bring me the slip, I'll sign it again
for you.

Really?

I don't believe you're changing your
mind.

Well, you know, she's...

You know, she's older.

Older than Wednesday?

Yes.

Listen, you know what I always keep
telling you? It's a jungle out there.

Now, uh, I'm a man of the world and
nothing I love better than to sit down

to two years and learn you's all I know
about everything.

But, I mean, you see me, look at this,
being awake, home, busy all the time

there.

It's supposed to be a good course.

Yeah, well, all right. But you don't
have to spend too much time at it, huh?

I mean, you don't have to get an A.

Just make sure that you don't enjoy it
too much.

Well, don't be sitting there looking at
me. Go on, do something useful.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When we were in the kitchen, you were
listening.

What are you talking about? I never
listened to nothing.