Original subtitles

Hey, hey, hey. Didn't you see me calling you? Why, why, why?

Come on out in the alley. I got a surprise to show you. Hey, what's going

on? Archie says he's got a surprise for us in the alley.

Oh, man.

Hey, the last guy that told me he had a surprise for me in the alley tried to

kiss me.

Huh? Huh?

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Ain't that nifty?

Compared to what?

That'd be funny. Huh?

I've seen this truck before.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't be surprised.

I bought it over at Webster's Lumberyard.

No, I think I've seen it on Iwo Jima.

I'll knock it off.

This happens to be a hell of a bargain, $400.

You know what old man Webster done, huh? He put my name right on the side here

for free.

Decal. I used to stick them on my lunchbox in the third grade.

Shut up.

Archie Bunker's lace.

Ain't that sweet?

Jose, when you get a minute, could you make a pee on the trunk?

Sure, boss, if you want me to.

Don't look like that. You know what I got here?

Hey, you got ripped off.

Will you get in there and just start it up?

Talking about what's under this hood. That happens to be the last of the

Studebaker V8s powering this monster.

May be the finest non-jap engine we ever made.

Hey, hey, hey. All right.

A little smoke at the start. That means the carbonator needs adjusting.

So take it over to that cousin of yours who still has the auto shop.

He is a mechanic, not a magician.

Take it over, will you?

Now? Of course, I got to make lunch today. Veronica's day off.

Just tell who to bring you right back. That's all.

But don't go joyriding in the trouble. You know, I'll be showing off.

You ain't got to worry about that.

Okay, fun's over, everybody. Come on, let's get back to work.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Back to work, and I don't understand why you always put that sour puss on.

You know what this means, don't you? It means I don't have to borrow your truck

no more.

That's one bright spot.

Harry, I took one look at that machine, I said to myself, seven sweet years of

service ahead.

Better step outside and take another look.

Please don't always think the worst. I don't have to be, Jose.

That sure sounded like Jose.

I know.

Hey, boss, boss, I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault. Oh, Jose, please don't tell me

what happened.

What the hell happened?

out of the alley and I hit the brake and my foot went through the floor. I knew

it. I knew it. I never should have let you go with that truck. That wrecked my

truck. Jose, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

He's all right. He's walking, Amy.

Jose, stop thinking about yourself. How bad is my truck?

It's a pretty bad boss.

Oh, God, what did you hiss?

My Rolls Royce.

Rachel, cheers.

Reggie Jackson?

That's right.

Oh, geez. Hi, I'm delighted to meet you there. My name is Archie Bunker.

Hi, Reg.

Hi, I'm Horace Snowden.

Why'd you leave the Yankees?

I'm sorry, Harry, but I'm not here to talk baseball. He ain't here to talk

baseball, Harry. Come on, get out of there. Don't you know there's been an

accident? Let's deal with that here. Gee, Reggie, how much damage did my

menial do?

He ran into the back of my Rolls.

It's got to be at least $3,000 to fix it.

Oh, God, $3,000.

Oh, Jose, you're in trouble.

I tried to stop.

Oh, that don't cut. Now, why is everybody who says that? But don't,

don't.

Reggie's going to be easy on you. Ain't that right, Reggie? I mean, you're going

to be easy on this pretty boy guy here.

Hey, you know, he's a foreigner, so he's poor in his ignorance.

Him?

Man, you're responsible.

Your name's on the side of the truck.

But I can pull them cockamamies off of there in a minute.

You can do what you want.

You're still the owner.

Reggie, let's look at it this here way.

When that fly ball bounced off your chest, they didn't give George

Steinbrenner the error.

Nice try, Bunker, but I'm not buying.

I'm sure your insurance company will take care of it. No.

What's the name of your company?

Well, listen, Reggie, do we really have to bother the insurance companies over

a little thing like that? I mean, after all, both our vehicles got smashed, so

what do you say you pay for yours, I pay for mine?

You've got to be kidding me.

Bunker, your truck is worth about as much as the hubcaps on my rolls. Now,

what's the name of the company?

Well, Reggie, to tell you the truth, at the moment I am without insurance.

But I tell you the truth.

I'm going to run out and get some, and then I'll have the company call you.

That ain't the way it works, Arch.

No, it ain't the way it works.

The way it works is, you got no insurance, you pay yourself.

Well, now, I hate to say this, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to be fired.

I ain't gonna pay nothing.

Reggie, you really have to. What are you talking about, I have to? It ain't fair.

It ain't fair that a small man like me has got to pay anything to Reggie

Jackson, who makes millions and millions of dollars doing something that really

is nothing but fun. Ain't that right, Reggie?

Can't we just discuss the accident?

Hey! Babe Ruth didn't need all of the millions that he's got here, but he hit

more home runs, didn't he, Reg?

And I'm leaving aside all the millions of dollies he made doing them

commercials there.

I mean, you don't want to take advantage of a small guy.

Why would you do that?

I'm not going to do anything.

My lawyer will.

I'll see you in court.

Hey, well, wait a minute, Reggie. Hey, you know, I got a lawyer, too, and I'm

going to call him right away.

Nice meeting you, Reg.

Don't say that.

Young Rabinowitz.

Hello, Bunker.

This is important. Where's your uncle?

Well, you see, there were two urgent cases. There was an axe murderer and

you. Yeah.

My uncle insisted on taking the axe murderer.

Well, what about me?

Now, you know this case. What's your firm going to do about it? Don't worry.

We contacted Jackson's lawyer through the club office.

And we're trying to settle for a reasonable amount.

And then?

Then you'll pay it.

Why? Why do you talk... Don't pay any attention to us over here.

Reggie Jackson was here talking about $3,000.

Well, maybe we can arrange for you to pay it off in installments.

Installments? Oh, I see what you mean.

Kind of get rid of it over 25 or 30 years, huh?

Bunker, don't think about it.

The more you think, the worse things get.

Reggie and his lawyer are still in Astoria. They said they tried to drop by

the office.

Wait a minute. Would you please tell me one thing? What the hell he's doing out

here in Astoria?

He's going to buy a shopping center.

A shopping center?

Don't he own enough?

My God, the man's even got a candy bar. How much more does he want?

$3,000.

Just sit tight.

I'll get back to you when there's something to talk about.

Listen, please.

All I want to hear is good news.

Tell your Uncle Abe.

You know, Bunker, this whole thing would have been a whole lot easier if you just

said a few kind words to the man.

Listen, you're a young guy. You don't know nothing about this world.

Let me tell you something.

Kind words is for puppies, not people.

You know, there's an old Jewish saying.

A person without insurance should be a very quiet person.

Did you hear the lawyer?

Kind words.

They're supposed to be nice for him. Listen.

Tell you something, if a sweet guy like George Stein can't be nice to a Reggie

Jackson, why expect a miracle from me?

Excuse me, Mr. Bunker. What did you do?

I mean, I'm Dennis Vidmar of Consolidated Wire Service.

I understand that your truck smashed into Reggie Jackson's Rolls Royce.

See, see, see, now the press has got a hold of this. Reggie Jackson's news.

How do you react?

Oh, I ain't gonna talk to no newspaper, Benji. Take a hike.

Kind wines, Arch.

Huh? Kind wines.

Yeah, but hold it there, Consolidated. Get back here.

Uh, sit down, sit down. You got your pimps and your scratch pads in? You want

me to talk about Reggie Jackson, huh? Yeah. All right.

I ain't got nothing but the kindest words to say about that man.

Hi.

Hey, hey, hey, I don't believe it, Reggie Jackson.

You come back, what are you doing here?

Oh, hey, gee, I'm awful glad to see you, Reggie. Harry, give Reggie something to

drink on the house, huh? Just coffee, Harry.

Yeah, what are you doing offering booze to a great athlete?

Reggie, I'm awful glad you come back. I wanted to explain things to you, you

know. What I said to you when you was here before.

See, that was just remarks that was made, like the poet says, in the heat of

passing.

You know what I mean?

Look, I got to pay for your car.

No argument there. But what we was wondering was whether we could kind of

stretch out the payments, you know, for a while.

Like the government allowed that guy, Lee Iacola.

You mean Iacola.

Coca-Cola. It was the same thing.

Well, that's what I stopped in for.

Your attorney called my attorney and told me that you're always having

financial problems.

And I don't want to break you.

So, I think installments will be fine.

Reggie, you're a great guy, you know that? And a generous guy. What have I

been saying here all day long?

Great and generous. Your exact words.

Hey, hey, Reggie. Would you sign my apron? No.

Sure.

Right to Harry Snowden.

Hey, Arch!

Arch! Did you see the early edition? You made the sports page. I did. Yeah.

You win the paper?

I don't know. Right there.

Can I see that?

Oh, pal, get your own paper.

Reggie Jackson.

Hey, hey, hey.

Take the paper, pal. I'll leave it there. The page, you can lay it. That

won't be necessary.

Hey, do you know that I keep your baseball card right here in my wallet?

Come on, Barney, Barney, come on, will ya? Get a hold of yourself here.

Hey, Reggie, this must be that interview I gave here.

Bunker had these comments.

Reggie Jackson was born to be a good player.

After all, he's a colored guy.

Sure, he makes too much money. But while we're getting mad at that, let's give

him a little credit.

The guy could be working in a car wash.

I know he's out on the town every night drinking and cruising.

But that don't prove for sure he's through the last game of the World

Series.

Huh?

But that could explain it.

But at the same time, we've got to give this man the benefit of all the doubts

against him. I think I said there's someplace in there.

Bunker, not only do I want all my money now, but I'm going to hit you with the

largest slander suit that you ever dreamed of.

Wait a minute. Is something I said in there make you so wrong?

Bunker, one more word out of you, and I'm going to start using you for batting

practice.

Hey, sign my card.

You know, he seemed like a really nice guy.

But then why did he turn so moody?

I ain't talking to no more reporters. Get away from me.

Hell of a night. Probably be from my place of residence there.

See this? Hounded everywhere by the press.

God, that's the one reason I could never be president.

Did you see the paper today?

Oh, leave me alone with that.

You made me a celebrity at school.

Well, get me a beer.

In response to Bunker's comments... Don't read that. ...Jackson's lawyers

announced today... Don't read that. ...their intention to initiate legal

action against Bunker. She reads it anyway.

Will you get me a beer?

Don't go away. I'll be right back. Just get the deal.

I want you to know I'm really sorry all this happened.

Ah, well, Mrs. Camby, it's nice to know that at least one person is thinking of

me. I want to go to court with you.

Ah, that's very nice of you, Mrs. Camby. I want to meet Reggie.

No. No.

I may not even be going to court. I got all seven Rabinowitzes working on this

thing for me.

And Mr. Reggie Jackson is going to find out what millions of Arabs have already

found out. You don't mess around with a handful of Jews.

I need a favor from you. Where's the beer?

I'll get your beer.

What is all of this, huh?

Stop here to get Reggie to autograph.

I told my friend you could get away and see him in court.

Okay, now, try to remember this.

Phil Rogers wants his blood to say, to my best pal, Phil.

This is a nightmare.

Okay? And Eric Carlson, he wants this. He wants this thingy to say. I don't

care what any of your annoying little playmates want.

Probably another one of them damn reporters.

I don't want to talk to nobody.

What should I say?

Tell him I just croaked.

Hi, I'd like to speak to Mr. Bunker, please.

He just croaked.

Can I pay my respects?

No, no, no, honey, not to him.

Get away from the door, please. Come on in the finish.

Paying attention to kids, she's gone a little daffy from listening to Mick

Dagger. Yeah, I know how it is. The same with my kid brother.

Rabinowitz, don't tell me about your tragedies. I got enough of my own.

Hello, I'm Ellen Canby. I was wondering, when you take this case to court, can I

come with you and meet Vera Edgy? No, no, no. I've told you before. No, now,

the two of you, please get out of here, will you? We got important business to

discuss. I told you to get that stuff out of here.

Kenny!

And you're going to get Reggie to sign this.

I'm in control of the house here.

Bunker, please tell me.

When you said all those awful things to the press, what were you thinking?

Absolutely nothing.

That's what I figured.

If we could plead insanity.

Hey, that sounds like a good idea.

Because Reggie Jackson nearly went nuts down at the saloon, you know.

We could maybe even get Billy Martin to come and testify for our side.

He could say that Jackson sees red whenever you treat him white.

That's a clever strategy, Bunker, but why waste it?

You know, I don't think that Reggie could prove that your comments have

injured him in any way.

Just the opposite.

I mean, after reading that article.

Anybody who never liked Reggie Jackson before is bound to like him now.

Nevertheless,

Reggie's a plenty man. He can afford to keep suing you for years.

Oh, I know. What do we do? Right, two things.

We've been talking to Jackson's lawyer. Now, we're trying to convince him that

your comments were exaggerated by the press.

Reggie's got to understand how that could happen.

What does what happened here? A few kind words and the press turned it into a

race war.

Then, we go see Reggie.

And you beg for mercy.

Me?

Don't I pay you a big fee to do my begging?

I've been earning my fee.

This I can't do for you.

He's got to see you in person. He has to see the shame in your eyes.

Come on, let's go.

Now? Now. He's expecting us. Oh, terrific, terrific.

Uncle Abe set up the meeting. And look, when you get there, Try to look sorry.

Can you do that?

Oh, don't worry about that. Hey, when I have to, I can be the sorriest looking

guy you ever seen.

Strike one.

Strike two. Oh, and two.

Home run.

It's probably dead.

Yeah,

Carl, what is it?

All right, send him up. I'll be up in a minute. All right, now, how do we get

there? First, you let go of the phone. Take the phone, you know.

You know,

it was up to me. I wouldn't do it like this. I mean, this cat man is a real 24

-karat bigot.

Look, Reg, you need two things.

An apology and this promise to pay an estimated $3,300.

Suing a small businessman from Queens could hurt your image.

Boy, I tell you.

Things I do for baseball.

But I still reserve the right to change my mind.

I'll get it.

Hi, here we are. A little classy. I'm a job butler.

Hello, counselor.

I'm Gary Rabinowitz. Mr.

Jackson. You can close the doors now.

Where is himself, Mr. Nobun?

Mr. October.

I? They call me Mr. October.

Oh, well, October's a way better month.

But, Mr. Jackson, I want to thank you for letting us come see you. We won't

stay very long.

Good. Oh, wait a minute. You're going to stay long enough for me to look around

this place, huh, Reg?

You know, it ain't often a guy like me gets a chance to see the apartment of a

big-time ball player. Wow!

Gee, and I read in the Enquirer that you've got about 20 other places like

this. Bummer.

Do you believe everything you read in the paper?

You know, it's funny. I'm always asking people that myself.

I mean, the press likes to sensationalize the most ordinary events.

Hey, hey, hey, Brooks.

Brooks here.

You read, huh, Reg?

Those are video cassettes of the World Series.

Oh, these are the videos of the series here, huh?

Oh, yeah, sure, here they are.

Here's the tree you played with Oakland there.

And the 77 and 78 with the Yankees here.

You got the 81 series where you got beat by the little fat Mexican kid?

Oh, my secretary accidentally erased those.

Now, what was it you fellas came to say?

Right. What was it you came to say?

Well, you know, like you said before.

Reggie, I came here to beg and show the shame in my eyes.

Look, Mr. Jackson.

Mr. Bunker doesn't always mean things the way they sound.

For instance, he's referred to my uncle occasionally as a heeb.

Well, his uncle happens to be Jewish.

In fact, so is he. It runs through their whole family.

You see what I mean? This guy's unreal.

That's my point.

You see, in some people, that would be plainly malicious, but with Mr. Bunker,

it's really a thoughtless habit.

He doesn't... Could I talk for a minute here?

I mean, I want to say what I feel. I cut through all of this here garbage.

Now, Reggie, I want you to know that what I said there in the paper, that was

meant to be nice things.

Nice things?

Yes, nice things, but somehow, I don't know how, the lousy press got the whole

thing misconstrued.

But now I'm here in person, I want to say what's in my heart.

Now, I ain't got a son.

But if I had a son, and if by some strange chance he happened to be

college, I'd say to him, kid,

I don't know how this happened.

If you want to make your old white daddy very happy, you'll leave home and

turn out to be another Reggie Jackson.

You know, I could never sue anyone like you.

You couldn't? Could you see me spending five years in court listening to you?

No, how could you play ball?

Well, about the money, Counselor. Have your client sign this, return it to our

office with the check included in the amount indicated.

That's fine. No hard feelings, sir.

That's easy for you to say. I think he's taken up enough of your time. You got

that right.

Let's go, Bunker. Yeah, all right. Well, don't be hustling me out before I have a

chance to say something here.

Reggie, it's been swell meeting you.

You know, Bunker, I don't get a chance to meet many guys like you anymore.

Well, Reggie, there's a damn few of us left.

Sometimes I want it.

It's a thought, huh?

Dr. Hunter, can we go now?

Will you give me a chance to ask for the man's autograph, bitchy?

I'll send you one.

Swell. And it all turned out good, huh?

Well, one thing good did happen meeting you. Yeah, yeah, what?

I sure think a heck of a lot more of George Steinbrenner.

Glad to help, Reg.