Original subtitles

that nice? What'd you wish for?

Can't tell her I won't get it. Ah, well, what do you care? Because I got you

something great over there.

I'll open this one first. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead. That one's mine.

Is that all you got

of a magazine?

It's a three-year subscription.

Thank you, Mrs. Canby.

You're welcome, honey.

Seventeen. I love it. Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me see if I

love it. That's what's important.

Are you sure that she should be reading something like this here?

It's for teenagers. All my friends read it.

Geez, I don't know why. The whole thing is full of errors.

Lose five pounds in ten days. Oh, what a...

What do they claim? They claim you can play tennis, ride a horseback, and swim

any day of the month.

They ain't never seen a New York winter.

Why don't we open another present?

Yeah, go ahead. Go on. Open a big one over there in the coffee table.

Okay.

Now, wait till she gets a load of this here. This is something beautiful.

You know that this item sat on a shop in a store for over a year till somebody

had the good taste to buy it?

Well, well, huh?

It's, um, it's real nice.

Does it have a name? Well, look at it there.

That's your top-of-the-line AFMF stereo clock alarm there, full of water and

tree pets and clothes.

I think they call it a salami aquarium.

Ain't that lovely?

It's a...

Rather unusual.

You can say that again. I bet none of her little friends got nothing like

this.

Nope.

Thank you, Aunt Uncle Isaac.

Oh, happy birthday, Kitty.

But wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't seen the presents yet. When that

alarm goes off, them three little buggers swim around like crazy, but they

can't get out.

Maybe later.

I've still got Billy's present to open.

Yeah, well, go ahead, go ahead. Yeah, sure, sure.

What? What the hell is Devo? They're the hottest group in the country.

Barney got us two tickets to their sold-out concert at Madison Square

Garden. My first concert. It's the best present I ever got. Wait a minute. Wait

a minute. Wait a minute. Billy, you ain't taking this kid to a rock concert

there. You can't go to that, honey. I mean, you ain't old enough for that.

I'm old enough.

Why can't she go? Give me one good reason.

I'll give you two. Drugs, sex.

And violence.

Silly doesn't like that at all.

Stephanie will be fine. She'll be with me.

With you? So what? You ain't much older than her.

You can't do this to me.

I can't? Hey, I already done it. Listen, kid, I'd as soon send the two of you to

a prison riot.

Now, case closed.

I don't believe this.

Could I say something?

No, Mrs. Cameron, please stay out of this. You don't know nothing about this.

I think Archie's right. Listen to her. She knows what she's talking about.

It's a parent's decision. He's only concerned about your safety.

You're as bad as him.

Oh, how dare you talk to Mrs.

Canby like that, a brilliant woman like this here.

Now, listen.

I don't want to hear no more about it. You're spoiling the whole party here.

I'm enjoying myself. Now, come on over here. Let's get back to this here.

Here's your point, D.K. Start cutting it.

Cut it yourself.

What a snotty thing to say to me.

And there she goes, flying up the stairs.

She's only a teenager one day, and she's already out of control.

You really don't trust me to take care of her, do you?

Did I say that?

Do you?

Now.

Thank you very much.

And people wonder why kids do things behind their parents' backs.

What are you doing behind my back?

I want to discuss this with you. And then she goes up the stairs, too. Why do

they always run up the stairs?

It's a hell of a party, ain't it?

I've been to better.

Well, I don't give a damn.

What's right is right.

And it'll be all right. I'll make it up to her.

Hey, hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we on Saturday morning invite some of her little friends over here? We

give her a little surprise party.

It doesn't give me much time, but I'll do what I can. Ah, good, good.

What's that?

I'm feeding time for the fish.

Ah, let me tell you something.

Goldfish is the nicest pets of all.

And you know why?

Because, for one thing, they never leave no hair around on the point. No smells

in the rooms, no little surprises in the corners.

And the nice thing about goldfish is that long before you get fed up with

them, they die.

Here you are, Harry.

Hey, Arch.

Harry tells me you're having a party. Can I come?

It's for kids, Barney. What do you want to do? Play pin the tail on a donkey?

Sure, I'm good at that.

Oh, dear me.

Harry, did you call up that place and get me the clown?

The party service is sending some people over here to audition.

You're really going all out on this, aren't you?

Well, I got it. Of course, the little kid ain't talking to me now. And it's

all your fault for helping Billy buy them concert tickets.

How much was they anyway?

Fifteen dollars apiece. What a price for garbage.

Did you give her back her money?

Why should I give her back the money? She never gave me back the tickets.

Did you hear this? She never gave me back the tickets.

Well, we're going to see about this here right now.

Are you sure she never gave you back the tickets?

Certainly I'm sure she never gave you back the tickets.

Don't jump to conclusions.

Third ring here now.

Four. They could be upstairs listening to music.

Five. Well, that's where they better be. Let me tell you. Come on. You're going

to be with me. What do you want me for?

If them two girls ain't at the house, first, you're going to be strangled by

me. And second, you're going to help me find one.

What do you do?

I'm looking in the closet.

Dear little girls, they ain't umbrellas and overcoats.

Close the door.

Just stay here, will you? Do nothing till you hear from me.

Let's see if they ain't upstairs here in the rooms.

Billy, Stephanie.

They ain't here, huh?

They went to that time... They disobey me and they're going to be punished for

that. Where the hell are you, Barney?

I'm down here checking the cellar, Arch.

Are they down in the cellar?

I don't believe this.

My God, what is it?

This is what it is.

I told this to you over a year ago.

You may have it back, Barney.

That's okay, Arch.

Blanche is the only one that knew how to use it.

Huh?

What? They didn't go to the concert.

There you go. The tickets are still here. I knew I could trust them. Sure.

The tickets ain't here.

You can't trust them out of your sight.

All right. You and me is going into Madison Square Garden. We're going to

drag them two little girls home.

How are we going to find the two of them in the midst of thousands of screaming

teenagers?

It's right here, dummy, on the envelope. Section 8, row 15, seats 9 and 10. Come

on, come on, let's go.

What goes good with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?

Alka-Seltzer.

A root beer float.

concert. Okay, park it in the pension.

Well, well.

Punk rock is attracting the older crowd.

Wait, no, no, no. Listen, we just happen to get caught up with this vicious

crowd. What do you think, we'd pay to go in there and hear that musical torture?

We were just there to pick up a couple of little girls.

What were you going to do when you found him?

He was going to drag him home and raise hell with him.

I appreciate your frankness.

Benson, let's look him up in the OPM file.

What are you talking about? Where's the OPM file?

Old poiverts and molesters.

You got this thing all wrong.

The two little girls we were looking for had to be my nieces.

They're always nations.

Will you sit down?

All right.

Listen up.

Now, the first thing we're going to do is call your parents.

Hey, that's nice. My mother lives in Cleveland. Area code 216.

Barney, Barney, Barney, get over here.

Will you stop talking?

Benson, take... Cheech and Sean there and put them in a holding cell while we

brush it against you. Okay, Sarge. Let's go, you two.

Now, wait a minute. A cell ain't necessary. After all, I'm a respectable

businessman from over in the store you're in.

Hey!

I see you guys at the plasmatic concert.

Oh, no, you won't, Green Hair.

And thank God I ain't got a daughter like you.

You couldn't, man.

I'm a guy.

I may throw up.

I never thought I'd end up in a big house.

I never thought that you had such a big mouth.

I never said one thing wrong.

Please, just let me do the talking. Say nothing.

Settle down, you two. You're going to be in here for a while.

Those guys look

vicious.

They certainly do.

Listen, see if you can ignore them, huh? And at the same time, be friendly.

Yeah.

Hiya, fellas.

My name is Barney Hefner, and this is my pal Archie.

Barney, Barney, Barney, get back over here.

What you dudes in for?

Oh, they said we tried to crash a concert.

Yeah, yeah, that's what they said, but... So far as we're concerned, this

whole thing's a big mistake.

Yeah, sounds familiar.

Oh, you guys were framed too, huh?

Oh, yeah. We was just walking through the park and they grabbed us for

statutory rape.

Some sicko.

Can you feature a man trying to rape a statue?

And in winter, too.

What'd you say?

Are you talking about us? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, we were just saying

how tragic it is that we're all in here and we're misunderstood.

Yeah, I was just saying that him and me, well, we really ought to go way over

there and sit down. Yeah, yeah.

Those men are frightening, aren't they?

Oh, you're telling me.

And I think it's terrible of innocent people.

Like us here have to be locked up for the likes of them.

Now, why are you here?

They caught me making an illegal U-turn.

Can you imagine this?

And they locked you up for that?

Well, my wife was riding with me.

Oh, my God, ain't that a shame? The poor man had his wife with him. In the trunk.

You see, you always gotta hear the end of a story.

Where you gonna sit now, bro?

They say I took these hands and put them around her lovely lying neck

and screamed.

Every time I see that movie, it gives me a funny feeling in my stomach.

You want another root beer float?

Okay.

Topping the local news, a riot broke out earlier tonight at Madison Square

Garden, where hundreds of screaming Devo fans attempted to crash the sold-out

concert. Their weapon?

Saliva. Good thing we didn't go. Look at that mob.

Although the police were outnumbered, they managed to make 38 arrests.

I'd better call his lawyer.

Uncle Archie! Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Never mind the sweet talk.

You're in big trouble, and so are you.

Aunt, you were the one who got arrested.

How do you know about that?

We saw you and Barney on TV news.

That never would have happened to me.

If you was two, I'd have went behind my back and sneaked off to that concert.

We never went to the concert.

Oh, now, don't lie.

Because I found this here envelope and the tickets wasn't there.

I sold the tickets to Molly down at the bar.

You said that Stephanie couldn't go.

What kind of a person do you think I am?

I wouldn't know.

What about me?

Don't you know me better than that?

Listen, you changed a lot since she come here.

You're a lot fresher, you know that?

Wearing your hair different there?

And skating into boys with your stockings up over your pants?

Don't blame Billy.

He's like a big sister. I can talk to her about stuff.

Well, since when can't you talk to me?

Since the time I asked you, what's menstruation? You said it was none of my

business.

Please, let's get on to a different subject.

Okay.

How was jail?

I wasn't really in jail, you know.

As soon as the police found out that they made a terrible mistake, they had

to leave us go.

But they didn't leave us having no dinner.

Nothing to eat.

I ain't had my dinner yet. I don't see nobody worrying about dance.

Want me to get you something?

No, it's too late to be messing in the kitchen there.

I'll tell you what we could do, though. We could all maybe run down to the

Burger Palace and have a little late snack.

I'll go.

Billy?

No, thanks.

Oh, well, I didn't mean to.

All right, run upstairs and get your hat and clothes.

Uh, uh, Billy, uh... Uh, what I was just

saying to you now, I didn't mean nothing by that. I kind of talked too soon.

What do you say we just forget about it?

Archie.

There are going to be other concerts.

And sooner or later, you're going to have to let Stephanie go.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Stay up nights waiting for her, getting gray hairs long before my time?

Well, isn't that what all parents do?

Hey, I've been a parent. You ain't.

Archie, Stephanie is going to grow up whether I'm here or not.

I guess I'm gonna need somebody to keep reminding me.

You know, all of a sudden I feel hungry again. Yeah?

Hey, all right.

Can I have a double cheeseburger with everything on it?

Yeah.

You can have anything you want.

But you gotta promise me something, and this is for life.

What? You will never paint your hair green.

I won't.

Me either.

Oh, swell, swell. Okay, come on, come on.

Come on, we'll go. No, get down there before they close, huh?

There.

There.

Help me, will you, Lord?