Original subtitles

Hey, Arch, give me a beer. Oh, yeah, Manny, coming up. Same for me.

Yeah, okay, Sid, same for you.

Looks like you're planning quite a bash for old Harry.

Yeah, well, the guy deserves it after all he has to put up with around here.

They'll be making cracks at the cost of his eye.

I was making cracks at you, sweetheart.

That's what I like about you, Archie. You've got such class.

Oh, hiya there, Alice. How you doing? How are you? Hi, Veronica.

Hi, Alice. I don't think you met my little niece standing on the ladder

there, Barbara Lee.

Uh, Billy.

Yeah, but what?

This is Harry's wife, Alice Snowball.

Snowden. Uh, Den, Den, Den.

That's good.

Ten years and you got half his name right.

Our conversation goes off the rails now and then, you know.

She's standing over the steam table so much that her brains is a little poked.

Listen, how did you get rid of Harry?

Oh, that was easy. I sent him over to New Jersey to buy more of these snack

baskets. You sent him all the way to Jersey?

Well, yeah, we had to get rid of him for a while, you know. Besides, these are

way cheaper over there. They got this beautiful farm outside of Tenafly, see,

where these things are weaving by all the wealthy nutso's.

Do you think Harry suspects anything?

I know.

We've been married 27 years. We tell each other everything.

Oh, yeah.

Alice, come here. I want to show you the cake.

Jose made it in the shape of a bar towel.

Oh, here he comes.

The younger boy pumpernickel house.

What are you doing with the dirty shirt?

That is a status symbol. It shows I had a front row seat at McFeeney's.

McFeeney's? Did you hear that? This mug went over to McFeeney's.

Uh-oh, it's topless.

Harry told me.

They're featuring mud wrestling there.

Oh, God, tell me them nude waitresses is wrestling around in mud.

They're not nude.

They wear panties and pasties.

Panties and pasties.

Why do they do that, boy?

To see who wins, I guess.

But when are you appearing?

I was told.

You better wash this off. Yeah, get out of here, huh?

And don't get none of that over the sanitary spectacles in there.

You don't know where that mud's been.

The forces of modern life is pulling me under.

Well, at least no one's suing you this week.

Oh, look at young Levinowitz.

We don't need a lawyer here. What are you doing here?

Well, we drew straws at the office.

I lost.

My Uncle Abe says you got a problem.

A problem?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, all right.

The office, that's the problem.

All right, all right. Come on, what's the problem?

Well, it's Murray Klein.

Did he die?

Uh, no, no.

He wants to sell his half of the bar.

You're gonna have to find a new partner.

comes in here everybody yells surprise or whatever depending on how well you

like him come on what's with you come on

get in the spirit does that mean harry's here

well it's either harry or immigration

Something bothering you?

Oh, me? No, nothing at all.

Ah, come on. You can't pull the wool over my ears.

Well, to tell you the truth, Murray Klein wants to sell his half of the

business, you know, so I got to find another partner fast.

I knew you knew that was coming, didn't you?

Yeah, but I can't rush, you know, because a partnership is like a

marriage. You really got to like the person you're pushing around.

Best bartender in New York City.

To the finest saloon keeper in the state.

And to the friendliest son of a gun in the whole U.S. of A.

But since none of them are here, it's to Harry.

Maybe the answer to your problem is right here.

Where?

Harry.

Oh, Harry is over there, Mr. Vannar.

Look, business is good.

Maybe he'd like to reinvest.

After all, he always seems happy here.

Yeah, well, to tell you the truth, I was thinking about that myself, you know,

but then again, I was afraid he'd tie me down.

You'll never find a better partner.

I should ask him, huh?

You'll never find him in a better mood.

I'll ask him.

Sir Harry gives him his change.

Pours his drink on his head and says, my regards to your wife.

You remember that.

You're in a better mood here, huh? Oh, terrific, Arch, terrific.

Hey, hey, pull up a chair. Yeah, that's what I was going to do.

You know, I'm really touched with what you've done for me here.

Oh, take nothing of it, hey. You ain't just a bartender, you're an older, very

close friend.

You're more like a partner.

If there's ever anything I could do for you...

All you gotta do is ask.

Well, there is one little thing.

Name it.

Come up with $30,000.

$30,000? What for?

To buy back Murray's share of the business.

Gee, Archer.

You ain't got the money.

What'd you do with the money that you got from Murray?

I invested it. It's all tied up.

Oh, what? She's untired. This is the best investment you can get.

I can't talk about it now.

Why?

Because you won't like it.

What do you mean I won't like it? Come on, between friends.

And, uh, I don't want to know.

Who, Alice?

I won't tell Alice nothing.

When you get mad.

Mad with you?

You promise?

Harry, you got my word of honor.

All right.

I invested it in McPheonies.

McPheonies?

You invested your money and Alice's money, you hear me, Alice, in

McPheonies' countless mud hole abbreviations?

Harry! Now see what you've done. What do you mean what I've done? What you've

done here.

You invested all your money in Simon and Gamara here.

And an even more heinous crime than that. You bankrolled my competition.

Come on. This is a party. We're all supposed to have some fun.

Hey, I tell you, let's make a toast. A toast? A toast to this guy? To hell with

a toast. To who?

Huh? Harry? A regular Benedict Fink here.

I don't need that money that you ain't got.

I tell you the truth, I don't need you neither.

You're fired.

You're married to an unemployed man here. He's fine.

I've been waiting 20 minutes for a tequila sunrise on two and three beers

on six.

Tell us about no sunrises. Tell the bartender. I have.

Why? Oh, well, all right. Come on. Save this, huh?

So, when is the bartender coming? Monday. The union center went over on

Monday. Until then... Until then, it's going to be amateur night behind the

bar. Have a heart, will you? Mixing drinks. Anybody can make mistakes.

Yeah, but he drinks it.

Turkey.

On table four.

Don't be smart.

Don't forget the sugar.

I ordered bourbon and seven.

This is gin and ginger ale.

It is?

That's what it is, all right.

Remember that beer I ordered ten minutes ago?

Just keep your shirt on for a minute, pal.

Bonnie,

where is the sunrise?

In the east.

We all know that.

However, I am still a most competent button.

How about that, Danny? Oh, pal, there you go. Bonnie, an olive don't change a

drink. And besides, I hate olives.

No problem.

Hey.

Arch,

I'm walking.

See you soon, man.

Mr. Bell.

Pardon.

Did you notice what you've just done here?

You put your whole pour into a customer's glass.

Oh, that's okay.

You see, Arch, alcohol paralyzes all germs.

That's why you're going to live forever, Barney.

What about you, Sid? You want one too, huh?

I have remained just long enough to tell you that if I was you, I would get Harry

back in fast.

You ain't me, Sid.

Harry's fired. He's finished here.

He even burned his apron.

Shut up.

Come on, Arch.

Everybody misses Harry.

It was so sad when your partner's apron... Will you shut up?

Geez, I hate to interrupt this here, but did you fix the munchies there for the

happy hour?

Yeah, they're all fixed. Now all we need is some happy people around here.

The picking of those cards is agony.

How's your party doing there, Mr. Van Arm?

Oh, try for a week, Arch.

Okay, Kenny.

Thanks, Arch.

I understand that some of your regulars have followed Harry over to McFeeny's,

huh? Oh, no, no. Maybe what you'd call irregulars. No, we're not irregulars.

Well, look at you.

Can you see yourself patronizing McFeeny's topless?

No, I'd get arrested feeling my way to the bar.

You know...

Why would decent people leave here to go over to a joint like that?

Sleazy, eh?

With all them nude dames wrestling in the mud.

Totally nude?

Well, no, they got panties and pasties, but you know them has got to come off in

the mud, you know?

You're never going to walk away from a family place like that to go over there.

But the thing that bothers me most of all about that house of sin...

This is directly outside this door and right behind us around the corner.

Listen, Archie, when you think about Harry, you know, and all the memories

and all the years and your friendship, don't it make you want to go over there

and put your arm around his shoulder and say, come on back, Harry?

No, it makes me want to hurt himself.

You don't mean that. You're just being stubborn.

I mean it.

The guy's a traitor.

You hear what I say?

A traitor.

What do you expect me to do?

Go over to him there, crawling on my hands and knees?

No. Don't go down on your hands and knees until you're in front of him.

Do you want me to take my eyes off your head?

No.

I'm from the building department there, madam. I'm just checking for wood

volume.

Good evening. What can I do for you?

I want to see a friend of mine working in there.

If you want to see her in there, it'll be three bucks, cover charge.

Geez.

Cover charge, huh?

You sort of call it an uncover charge.

Anything new that I've seen before.

Or something reasonably close.

Excuse me, huh? Yeah, yeah, sure, go ahead.

Oh, jeez.

Hey, Arch, I thought you said you'd only be caught dead in a place like this.

So? I'm alive, ain't I?

Well, hello, Arch.

Hiya, Harry.

What brings you by?

Well, I just thought I'd take a breather. You know how busy we get over

there this time of night.

Oh, business is booming, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm glad, I'm glad. Hey, you want

a beer? Yeah, yeah, give me a beer, sure.

Hey, the next match is in an hour.

They're getting some new mud.

I've been meaning to talk to you.

Oh, go ahead.

No, you start it first, Harry.

about my investing in this place.

The way I figure it is, it would be okay.

I mean, two bars, two types of clientele, and my accountant said it

would be a good deal.

Oh, so it was your accountant's fault that got you in here.

Right. Just so there's no hard feelings.

No, there's no hard feelings, Harry.

So listen, could you come back tonight?

I'm not coming back, Arch.

You ain't coming back?

I like it here.

Besides, I make twice the tips.

You talk to me about tips. After all these years we've been friends and large

brothers there and working together and helping each other.

Remember the time the big beer barrel fell and crushed your foot?

Who was there to take you to emergency hospital?

You were, Arch.

Damn right I was.

You were the one who dropped it on me.

Ain't that a little bit irreverent, huh?

I mean, them is the things that binds people together.

I appreciate the nice words, Arch.

But the past is past.

And I made up my mind.

Now look, I gotta get back to my customers.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are you telling me, that this is fine?

I'm sorry, Arch.

See you around, Harvey Snowden.

I'll see you, Arch. Go on, Arch.

I'm pardoning you.

And you guys.

I think your little mothers could only see us here.

You're talking about losing customers.

Yeah.

Arch, don't fool me.

When you've been with someone long enough, you can see right through them.

What'll it be, ma'am?

How about a marriage on the rocks?

Alice, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to see where you sank all our money.

It's very revealing.

Alice, it's a good investment.

Then why didn't you at least have the decency to talk to me about it?

I wanted to surprise you.

Surprise me, all right.

Harry, 20.

I never kept anything from you.

All right, I'm sorry for making a good investment.

Oh, an investment, my eye.

You just wanted to be here and look at all those naked girls, huh?

Now, admit it.

You really like it here, don't you?

There's nothing wrong with what's happening here.

Oh, there's nothing wrong. No.

Well, then, that case... Oh, stop.

Why should I?

Are you crazy?

Well, this is what men like, isn't it? Yeah. Back, back.

Alice, this is just a business.

Well, it's a business that I want you out of. You and our money.

I know what I'm doing. Now, let's talk about this at home. Oh, no, no, no.

Don't think so, Harry.

You're not coming home.

Alice?

Alice!

So, what are you going to do about finding your brilliant new partner?

Don't rush me, huh?

Takes a little time to pick out the right Jewish guy.

First of all, you gotta get a new bartender. And don't let the union go

shoving some boozer on you.

Hey, hey, I'm a boss. I know how to go about hiring bartenders. I got the three

questions written down here.

What three questions?

One.

Have you ever been fired from a job?

Good question.

Two. You ever been arrested?

Very good.

Three.

Did you ever vote for a Democrat?

Who do you want behind the bar? Alexander Haig?

Hey, don't be making snotty remarks about a man like that, who has the

English language so beautiful and is sometimes the president.

Harry! Hi, Veronica.

Hi, Billy.

Harry!

Hi, Arch.

Well, what are you, uh...

doing around here?

Well, I got to thinking.

The way I figured, I'd put some money in McFeeney's, but I'd put more of my life

right here.

So, if your offer still stands, I'd like to be your bartender again. What do you

think?

Well, how do you know?

Yeah!

Arch?

Well, Harry, if they all want us back, well, uh,

uh, okay.

I'd better go get my apron. Yeah, yeah, go get your apron.

You must have told him some story to get him back.

I didn't tell him no story. I went over there to McFeeney's. I says, Harry, get

back. Well, I think it's wonderful anyway, and I'm very proud of you.

You're a smarter guy than I give you credit for, Arch. Live in line,

Veronica. Hey, what happened to my apron?

Oh, jeez. Uh, morts.

Harry, gigantic morts come in the neck, guys.

Don't worry about nothing. I'll buy you a new apron.

Hey, gee, let me tell you something.

You're so lucky to be working back here.

Imagine working in the dump like McTree and he's topless there, huh?

You couldn't ever live with yourself no more.

No.

Or with anybody else either.

Why is everybody sitting down?