All language subtitles for The Hangover (2009) UNRATED.720p.Blu-ray.x264-DON.English

[PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]

DOUG [ON RECORDING]: You've reached
Doug. Sorry I missed your call.

Please leave a name and number
and I'll get back to you.

[PHONE LINE BEEPS]

[PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]

STU [ON RECORDING]: Hi, you've reached
Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry.

Please leave a message after...

[PHONE LINE DIALING THEN RINGING]

PHIL [ON RECORDING]:
Hey, this is Phil.

Leave me a message or don't.
Do me a favor, don't text me. It's gay.

- Anything?
TRACY: I tried them all.

It keeps going straight to voicemail.

Well, there has to be an explanation.

Sweetie, it's Vegas.
You lose track of time in casinos.

There's no windows, there's no clocks.
He's probably on a heater.

And you never walk away from the table
when you're on a heater.

You do if you're getting married.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.

Phil, where the hell are you guys?

[OVER PHONE]
I'm freaking out.

Yeah, listen.

Uh...

We fucked up.

- What are you talking about?
- The bachelor party, the whole night. It...

Things got out of control, uh...

...and we lost Doug.

- What?
- We can't find Doug.

What are you saying, Phil?
We're getting married in five hours.

Yeah.

That's not gonna happen.

MAN:
To my left a little.

Thank you.

Okey-dokey.

- Whoa, watch it, pervert!
- Alan, he's just doing your inseam.

- He's getting very close to my shaft.
- All done. You can change now.

Right. Thanks, Floyd.
Thank you very much.

All right, buddy,
we should get a move on.

You know, Doug, I was thinking...

If you wanna go to Vegas without me,
that is totally cool, you know?

What are you talking about?

You know, Phil and Stu, they're
your buddies, and it's your bachelor party.

Come on, Alan. Those two love you.

ALAN: And also, I don't want you to feel
like you have to hold back...

...because your wife's brother's there.
I just...

It's not like that.

It's not like that. I already told you, Alan.

Okay? We're just spending the night
in Vegas. It's no big deal.

Besides, you're not just my wife's brother,
you're my brother now.

I want you to know, Doug,
I'm a steel trap.

Whatever happens tonight,
I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.

Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you.
I don't think that...

Seriously. I don't care what happens.

- I don't care if we kill someone.
- What?

You heard me. It's Sin City.

[WHISPERING]
I won't tell a soul.

Okay. I got it.

- Thank you.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, thank you.

I love you so much.

- Ha. I knew it.
- Dad.

Oh, stop it, I'm just jerking around.

Alan, put some pants on.
You have weird legs.

Yes, Daddy.

- His legs look fine, Dad.
- Oh, please.

He has his mother's legs. It's just freaky.

Alan, I'm just teasing.
You have wonderful legs.

They're better than your mother's.
They're beautiful.

Can you believe this?
Just two more days.

DOUG:
I know. You getting nervous?

- You wanna back out?
- Shut up.

Just tell me. Oh. Mm.

You know, I don't need to go to Vegas.
It's dumb.

It's not dumb. It's one night.
Have fun, you deserve it.

I know, but we should have
gone last weekend.

We have so much to do.
L... I'm gonna cancel.

My brother packed his bag two weeks ago.
You're not canceling.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Two weeks?
- Yeah, he's excited.

Thanks again for bringing him,
by the way.

You don't need to thank me,
it's nothing. He's a cool guy.

It's not nothing
and he's not a cool guy...

...so thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, Sid.

I just wanted to thank you guys again
for everything you're doing this weekend.

- We couldn't be more excited.
- Ah, that's great.

Yeah, okay. You love us
and we love you. Terrific.

So talk to me about Vegas.

- Uh... It should be pretty mellow.
- Mm-hm.

Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays,
have a few laughs.

Yeah, some laughs. I got you.

How you getting out there?

Uh, we're gonna take my car.
Gonna pick up my friends after this.

- Prius? You're taking a Prius to Vegas?
- Yeah.

You know, when you go to Vegas...

...you gotta go to Vegas.

DOUG:
No. Sid.

- Really?
SID: Come on, we're family now.

- You sure? I mean, you love this car.
- Doug, it's just a car.

Just make sure to put some Armor All
on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in.

Absolutely. That's easy.

Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive,
because there's something wrong with him.

DOUG:
Understood.

Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.

I will be the only one driving this car.
I promise.

Good.

Remember, what happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas.

Ah!

[CHUCKLES]

Except for herpes.
That shit'll come back with you.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

All right. Hold on. I still need
some of your permission slips...

...and $90 for the field trip
to the Griffith Observatory next weekend.

Pay now, or forever regret missing out
on the experience of a lifetime, guys.

You're good, you got it.

STUDENT: Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.
PHIL: Thank you. Hey.

You really came through,
thank you.

Whoa, Max. What gives?
What, no planetarium?

My mom won't give me the money.
I'm grounded.

- Well, how much you got on you?
- I don't know.

Like, 20 bucks.

Well, give me the 20
and I'll cover the rest.

- Really?
- Yeah. Well, we'll talk about it.

But give me the 20
so I know you're serious.

- Cool. Thanks, Mr. Wenneck.
- Yeah.

STUDENT:
Hold on, I got it.

Ahem, do you have to park so close?

- Yeah. What's wrong?
- I shouldn't be here.

Why is that, Alan?

I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet
of a school.

- What?
- Or a Chuck E. Cheese.

BUDNICK: Mr. Wenneck, I was...
- It's the weekend.

I don't know you. You do not exist.

- Shit.
DOUG: Heh, heh, heh.

- Nice car.
DOUG: Yeah.

- I'm driving.
DOUG: Whoa, no chance, buddy...

Don't step... God. Watch the leath...

Shut up and drive before these nerds
ask me another question.

- Animal.
- Who's this?

- It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
- I met you, like, four times.

Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

MELISSA:
Don't forget your Rogaine.

STU:
Rogaine, check.

And don't forget to use it.

I can totally tell when you forget,
your hair just looks thinner.

Using of the Rogaine, check.

Make sure to call me
right when you get to the hotel...

...not like that conference in Phoenix.

I had to wait two hours
for you to call me.

Yeah, I was the keynote speaker.
I was late to the podium.

- Still?
- Yeah, you're totally right. I'm sorry.

- What is the matter?
MELISSA: I don't know.

I hope you're not gonna go to
some strip club when you're up there.

STU:
Melissa, we're going to Napa Valley.

I don't even think they have strip clubs
in wine country.

Well, I'm sure if there is one,
Phil will sniff it out.

[SIGHS]

It's not gonna be like that.

Besides, you know how I feel about that.

I know, I know. It's just boys
and their bachelor parties, it's gross.

You're right, it is gross. Mm-mm.

And you know what else, honestly?

Why would I risk this for,
you know, a couple of minutes...

...of some 19-year-old hard body
in a schoolgirl outfit?

- Yeah.
- Why would I ever need, like...

- You're right. And if you ever do...
- What?

...I will fucking kick your ass.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

That is exactly what I needed to hear.

Not to mention it's pathetic.

Those places are filthy.
And the worst part is...

...that little girl...

...grinding and dry humping
the fucking stage up there...

...that's somebody's daughter up there.
- I was just gonna say that.

See? I just wish your friends
were as mature as you.

They are mature, actually.
You just have to get to know them better.

PHIL:
Paging Dr. Faggot.

Dr. Faggot!

- I should go.
- That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Have a good weekend.
I'm gonna miss you.

Whoo!

Road trip!

[SCREAMS]

Vegas! Vegas, baby!

Vegas!

[LAUGHS]

You're nuts!

Come on, just till Barstow.
Everybody's passing us.

Absolutely not. I promised Sid.
I will be the only one driving this car.

Besides, you're drinking.

Oh, what are you, a cop now?
You know I drive great when I'm drunk.

True. Don't forget,
Phil was always our designated drunk driver.

Yeah. You wanna explain it
to them, Alan?

Guys, my dad loves this car
more than he loves me, so, yeah.

Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid
at home so I could go with you guys.

- You know how difficult that was?
- That's really sweet.

- Yeah.
- Dude, I was being sarcastic.

I fucking hate my life.

- I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas.
- Here we go.

Doug, enjoy yourself,
because come Sunday...

...you're gonna start dying
just a little bit every day.

Yeah. That's why I've managed
to stay single this whole time, you know?

- Oh, really? That's why you're single?
- Yeah.

Cool. Good to know.

- Am I all right over there, Alan?
- Yeah, you're good.

[TRUCK HONKS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

DOUG:
Aw, Jesus Christ!

- Oh, my God!
- That was awesome!

That was not awesome.
What's wrong with you?

- That was insane. We almost just died.
- You should have seen your face.

- Classic.
- That's funny. Ha-ha.

It's not funny.

[MAN WHISTLES]

- Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
- Don't touch it.

Don't even look at it. Go on, get out.

You heard me.
Don't look at me, either.

Yeah, you better walk on.

- He's actually kind of funny.
- Yeah, he means well.

ALAN:
I'll hit an old man in public.

Is he all there? Like, mentally?

I think so. He's just an odd guy.
You know, he's kind of weird.

- I mean, should we be worried?
- No.

- All right.
- No.

Tracy did mention
that we shouldn't let him gamble.

Or drink too much.

Jesus, he's like a gremlin.
Comes with instructions and shit.

STU:
And one water.

- All good with Melissa?
- Oh, yeah.

Told her we're two hours
outside of wine country, and she bought it.

You think it's strange you've been
in a relationship for years...

...and you have to lie about Vegas?

Yeah, I do.
But trust me, it's not worth the fight.

Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can
fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?

Hey.

Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.

And she was wasted.

And, if you must know,
he didn't even come inside her.

And you believe that?

Uh, yeah, I do believe that,
because she's grossed out by semen.

That'll be 32.50.

It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?

It says here we should work in teams.
Who wants to be my spotter?

I don't think you should be doing
too much gambling tonight, Alan.

Gambling?
Who said anything about gambling?

It's not gambling
when you know you're gonna win.

Counting cards is a foolproof system.

It's also illegal.

It's not illegal, it's frowned upon,
like masturbating on an airplane.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

Yeah, maybe after 9/11,
where everybody got so sensitive.

Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

Either way, you gotta be super smart
to count cards, buddy, okay?

ALAN: Oh, really?
- It's not easy.

Well maybe we should tell that
to Rain Man...

...because he practically bankrupted
a casino, and he was a retard.

What?

He was a retard.

Retard.

PHIL:
Here we go.

WOMAN:
Hi, welcome to Caesars.

STU: Hello.
WOMAN: Checking in?

Yeah. We have a reservation
under Dr. Price.

LISA:
Okay, let me look that up for you.

Dr. Price?

Stu, you're a dentist, okay?
Don't try and get fancy.

- It's not fancy if it's true.
- He's a dentist. Don't get too excited.

And if, uh, someone has a heart attack,
you should still call 911.

We'll be sure to do that.

Can I ask you a question?
Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly?

- What do you mean?
- I'm not getting a sig on my beeper.

- I'm not sure.
ALAN: Is there a payphone bank?

Bunch of payphones? Business.

Um, there's a phone in your room.

That'll work.

So I have you in a two-bedroom suite
on the 12th floor, is that okay?

It sounds perfect.

Actually, I was wondering
if you had any villas.

- We're not even gonna be in the room.
- It's unnecessary.

No big deal. We can share beds.
It's one night.

If we're share beds,
I'm bunking with Phil.

- You good with that?
- No, I'm not.

Guys, we are not sharing beds.
What are we, 12 years old?

Lisa, I apologize.
How much is the villa?

Well, we have one villa available,
and it's 4200 for the night.

- Is it awesome?
- It's pretty awesome.

- We'll take it. Give her your credit card.
- I can't give her my credit card.

- We'll split it.
- Are you crazy? No, this is on us.

You don't get it.
Melissa checks my statements.

We just need a credit card on file.

We won't charge you until check out,
so you can figure it out then.

That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa.
We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on.

Fine.

- Can I ask you another question?
LISA: Sure.

You probably get this a lot.

This isn't the real Caesars Palace,
is it?

What do you mean?

Did, uh...

- Did Caesar live here?
- Um, no.

I didn't think so.

STU:
Holy shit.

[PHIL GROANS]

PHIL:
Now, this is Vegas.

DOUG:
Oh, my... This place is enormous.

PHIL:
Now we're talking.

Is this all one suite?

Thank you, guys.

Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?

You're welcome.
It's only because I love you.

Hey, guys. Look, free almonds.

- Oh, no, no, no. Please put those back.
- Wait, I'm just hungry.

- Well, I know, but...
- Stu, what the fuck?

It's a pressure-sensitive plate. When you pick
it up, you have 30 seconds to put it back...

...or they bill you.
ALAN: That's pretty neat.

STU: It may be neat,
but it's also very expensive, so...

Those almonds are probably, like, $14.

Stu, relax.

Phil, Melissa is like
a forensic accountant, okay?

She scours my statements.
If you want nuts...

...put your own credit card down.
- Watch this.

Problem solved.
Alan, enjoy your almonds.

I don't want them. He ruined it.

All right, let's pick a room, let's get
dressed. Be ready in 30 minutes.

I just wish you could see this place,
because you, of all people, would love it.

Yeah. No, it's so quaint.

Yeah, no, there's no TVs, no phones.

They just have these cute little antique
radios in all the rooms.

Yeah.

What else? Um...

We met the, uh, proprietor.

- Oh, I bet you...
STU: What's his name?

Um, Caesar. Palacé.

Yeah, like the salad.

Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go,
because we're gonna hit this wine tasting.

Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye.

I'm not even gonna say anything,
it's so embarrassing.

- Where's Alan?
- He, uh, he went downstairs.

He said he had to grab a few things.

Good, because I have something
to show you.

DOUG:
Uh-Oh.

- What the hell is that?
STU: What do you think?

If it's what I think it is,
I think it's a big fucking mistake.

I'm gonna propose to Melissa
at your wedding. After the ceremony.

- Stuey, congratulations!
- Thank you, Doug.

- That's a beautiful ring.
- Yeah. It's my grandmother's.

She made it all the way through
the Holocaust with that thing.

Wait, have you not listened
to anything I have ever said?

Phil, we've been dating for three years.
It's time. This is how it works.

A, that is bullshit.
And B, she is a complete bitch.

Hey, that's his fiancée.

What? It's true. It's true.
You know it's true. She beats him.

That was twice, and I was out of line.

She's strong-willed. And I respect that.

Wow. Wow.

He's in denial.
Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.

DOUG:
Hey, he wasn't a sailor.

He was a bartender on a cruise ship.
You know that.

Guys, I'm standing right here.
So I can hear everything that you're saying.

Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?

- What?
- Do what?

ALAN:
Let the dogs out. You know.

[SINGING "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT"]

Who brought this guy?

DOUG: Yes, Alan, we are ready
to let the dogs out.

- Hey, congrats.
- Thank you.

I love this fucking town.

- You're not really wearing that, are you?
- Wearing what?

The man-purse.

You're actually gonna wear that
or are you guys fucking with me?

It's where I keep all my things.
I get a lot of compliments on this.

Plus, it's not a man-purse.
It's called a satchel.

Indiana Jones wears one.

So does Joy Behar.

- We're going up, guys.
- Yeah, that's perfect.

STU:
Really?

We're going up?

I'm just saying,
it's clearly marked, okay?

We are definitely
not supposed to be up here.

Come on, we're paying for a villa.
We can do whatever the fuck we want.

- Yeah, but...
- Just wedge the door open.

- Guys, come on up here.
- Fine.

DOUG:
How the hell did you find this place?

Don't worry about it.

Oh!

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- Look at the view up here.
- You happy?

- This is great.
- Whoa!

[PHIL CHUCKLES]

Are you kidding?

PHIL: Alan, how we doing, buddy?
- Good.

DOUG: What do you got over there, Alan?
STU: That's the Eiffel Tower.

Uh-oh.

- Right?
- A little Jägermeister.

- Good idea.
- There it is. Good call.

On the roof.

Um, no, this is good.
I'd like to make a toast.

To Doug and Tracy.

May tonight be...

...but a minor speed bump...

...in an otherwise very long
and healthy marriage.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Short and sweet.

DOUG:
Oh, it's like college.

- All right. I wanna talk about something.
DOUG: All right.

- I want to...
ALAN: I'd like to...

I'd like to say something...

...that I prepared...

...tonight.
- All right, Alan.

"Hello.

How about that ride in?

I guess that's why they call it
Sin City.

[ALAN CHUCKLES]

You guys might not know this,
but I consider myself a bit of a loner.

I tend to think of myself
as a one-man wolf pack.

But when my sister brought Doug home,
I knew he was one of my own.

And my wolf pack, it grew by one.

So were there two...
So there were two of us in the wolf pack.

I was alone first in the pack,
and then Doug joined in later.

And six months ago...

...when Doug introduced me to you guys,
I thought:

'Wait a second. Could it be? '
And now, I know for sure.

I just added two more guys
to my wolf pack."

- All right.
- All right.

ALAN:
"Four of us wolves...

...running around the desert together
in Las Vegas...

...looking for strippers and cocaine."

So tonight...

...I make a toast.
- Whoa.

- What...?
- What do you got there?

PHIL: Dude, what the fuck?
DOUG: What the hell are you doing?

[ALAN GROANS]

- What is that?
- Blood brothers.

- Don't... Why did you...?
- Damn it.

- Here.
- Alan...

- No.
- No, I'm not doing that.

ALAN: Go ahead, Stuart.
- Make him stop.

Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves.
Give me the knife.

Slowly. Thank you.
Okay. Thank you very much.

PHIL: You all right? Are you okay?
ALAN: Mm-hm.

- Do you need a doctor?
- He's good.

PHIL: You sure?
ALAN: I'm good.

All right, good,
because I need everybody to focus.

I wanna take a moment, I wanna talk
about some... I wanna talk about memory.

No, better yet,
I wanna talk about selective memory.

You see, whatever happens here tonight
may as well never have happened at all...

...because this circle's about as far
as it's ever gonna go.

In other words, forget everything.

[CHUCKLES]

Doug, I'm serious. I got a wife and kid.

Okay, good or bad, we don't remember
so we got nothing to talk about.

Nothing, guys. Nothing.

Deal?

- Deal.
STU: Deal.

- Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy.
STU: Get in here, crazy.

All right, to a night
we'll never remember...

...but the four of us
will never forget.

STU: There it is.
PHIL: Hear, hear.

DOUG:
Hey, thanks, guys.

[GRUNTS & GROANS]

[ALAN GRUNTS]

[GROWLING]

Hm.

Stupid tiger.

[GASPS]

[TIGER ROARS]

[ALAN AND PHIL GRUNT]

PHIL:
What the fuck?

Control yourself, man.
Goddamn, will you put on some pants?

- Phil, do not go in the bathroom.
- AI, just calm down. It's me.

Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.

- What's going on?
- There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!

- Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out.
ALAN: Don't go in.

Don't go in, don't go in.
Be careful. Don't, don't.

[TIGER GROWLS]

- Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding.
ALAN: See? See?

- There's a tiger in there.
- No, there isn't.

Yeah!

- It's big. Gigantic.
- You okay, buddy?

No. I am in so much pain right now.

Goddamn. Look at this place.

Whew.

I know. Phil, they have my credit card
downstairs. I am so screwed.

How does a tiger get in the bathroom?
It almost killed me.

Hey, bro?
You mind putting on some pants?

I find it a little weird
I have to ask twice.

ALAN: Pants at a time like this?
I don't have any p...

What the fuck happened last night?

Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?

I can't... Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

My lateral incisor's... It's gone!

It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down.
We're fine. Everything's fine.

Alan, go wake up Doug.

Let's get some coffee and get the fuck
out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.

What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth.
I have no idea how it happened.

You're freaking me out, man.

I got a massive headache, okay?
Let's just calm down.

How am I supposed to calm down?
Look around you.

- Hey, guys, he's not in there.
- Did you check all the rooms?

Yeah, I looked everywhere.
Plus, his mattress is gone.

He probably went to the pool
to get something to eat.

I'll just call his cell.

I look like a nerdy hillbilly.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?
- Alan.

Hey.

- It's Phil.
- Oh, hey, Phi...

This is Doug's phone.
This is Doug's phone.

PHIL: No shit.
- Yeah.

[BABY CRYING]

What the fuck is that?

Whose fucking baby is that?

Alan, are you sure you didn't see
anyone else in the suite?

Yeah, I checked all the rooms.
No one's here.

Check its collar or something.

Shh. Shh.

- It's okay, baby.
- Stu, we don't have time for this.

Let's go hook up with Doug,
we'll deal with the baby later.

Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby
in the room.

- There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom.
- It's not our baby.

Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.

All right, fine.
Okay, we'll take it with us.

Could you at least just find some pants?

Why can't we remember a goddamn thing
from last night?

Because we obviously
had a great fucking time.

Why don't you just stop worrying
for one minute?

Be proud of yourself.

I don't know, Phil.
Maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth.

Or maybe it's because
there's a tiger in our hotel room...

...which, incidentally,
is completely destroyed.

Oh, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, I know.

Maybe it's because we found a baby,
a human baby.

That's it. That's it.

It's because we found a fucking baby.

- You shouldn't curse around the child.
- Really? You shouldn't be around a child.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Oh, how cute. What's his name?

- Ben.
- Carlos.

Carlos?

Thank you.

Hey, Phil, look.

[ALAN LAUGHING]

He's jacking his little weenis.

- Pull yourself together, man.
- Not at the table, Carlos.

[ALAN & PHIL CHUCKLE]

I looked everywhere.

Gym, casino, front desk.
Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here.

He's fine. He's a grown man.

Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down.
Here, have some juice.

I can't have juice right now.

Okay. All right.
Let's just track this thing.

[PHIL COUGHS]

What's the last thing
we remember doing last night?

Well, the first thing was
we were on the roof...

...and were having those shots of Jäger.

[RETCHES & COUGHS]

And then we ate dinner
at The Palm. Right?

That's right.

And then we played craps at
the Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there.

That sounds right.
No, no. He definitely was.

You know what, guys?
I don't even remember going to dinner.

What the fuck?
I don't think I've ever been this hung-over.

After the Hard Rock, I blacked out.
It was like emptiness.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. We have up until 10 p. M...

...so that gives us a 12-hour window
where we could have lost him.

ALAN: What is this?
- Oh, my God. That is my tooth.

Why do you have that?
What else is in your pockets?

This is a good thing. No.
Check your pockets. Check your pockets.

Do you have anything?

I have an ATM receipt
from the Bellagio.

Eleven-oh-five for $800!
I am so fucked.

I have a valet ticket from Caesars.
Looks like we got in at 5:15 a.m.

Oh, shit. We drove last night?

[ALAN LAUGHS]

Driving drunk. Classic.

[LAUGHS]

What's on your arm?

- What the fuck is that?
- Jesus, Phil.

- You were in the hospital last night.
- I guess so, yeah.

- You okay?
- Yeah, Alan. I'm fine.

What the hell is going on?

Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing.
We have a lead now.

Hey, Stu, watch this.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

- You ever seen a baby do that?
- Dude, Alan, not cool.

So, uh, are you sure you're qualified
to be taking care of that baby?

What? I've found a baby before.

- You found a baby before?
- Yeah.

- Where?
- Coffee Bean.

STU:
Wait, what?

Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug
would want us to take the Mercedes.

Relax, we'll be careful.

My dad is crazy about that car.
He left Doug in charge...

Alan. We got bigger problems here.

Doug could be in the hospital,
he could be hurt.

[CRANE BEEPING]

- Let's worry about the car later.
- Uh, guys? Check it out.

MAN:
All right, grab it from the other side.

Is that the mattress from Doug's room?

PHIL:
What the fuck?

Hey, man, what's going on here?

Some asshole threw his bed
out the window last night.

- No shit.
- Yeah.

Some guys just can't handle Vegas.

Ha-ha.

Oh, God.

It's gonna be okay, Stu.

How the hell did we manage that?

- Here's your car, officers.
- Oh, God.

All right, everybody act cool.
All right, don't say a word.

Come on, let's just get in and go.
Come on.

- Stu, you got a five?
STU: No.

PHIL: I'll hit you on the way back.
VALET: Thank you, sir.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

[BABY CRYING]

You just nailed the baby.

ALAN:
Are my glasses okay?

Your glasses are fine, dick.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

STU:
This is so illegal.

Can't you see the fun part in anything?

Yeah, we're stuck in traffic
in a stolen police car...

...with a missing child
in the back seat.

Which part of this is fun?

- I think the cop-car part's pretty cool.
- Thank you, Alan. It is cool.

Doug would love it.

Come on.

[SIREN WAILING]

- Check this out.
STU: Oh, no. No, Phil. No, Phil.

Don't do this!

PHIL: Take it easy.
- Just try to call more attention to us.

PHIL [OVER PA]: Attention.
- Sorry.

PHIL:
Attention, please. Move out of the way.

I repeat, please disperse.

Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out.
Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over.

Ma'am, in the leopard dress,
you have an amazing rack.

STU: Get off the sidewalk!
Get off the sidewalk!

I should have been a fucking cop.

[STU SCREAMS]

Look, I already told you.

You came in with a mild concussion,
some bruised ribs. No big deal.

Although none of you could articulate
how it happened.

Do you remember how many of us
were here?

Ah...

I don't know. I think it was just you guys.
Definitely no baby.

- And one other guy.
- That's our guy. Was he okay?

Yeah. He was fine.
Just whacked out of his mind. You all were.

All right, come forward.
And turn.

All right.

There you go. And cough.

[MAN COUGHING]

Cough. Cough. Give me one more.

All right. Thattaboy.

Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on.

And the nurse will be in here
in a minute.

I'll see you after the weekend.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, doctor.

Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry.
I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.

No, I know. But we just need
a couple more minutes of your time.

Yeah. Tuck it right in there.
I don't want to re-sterilize.

Walk with me.

Okay, here we go. Patient name,
Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. Arrival.

Minor concussion, like I said.
Some bruising. Pretty standard.

Do you mind if I look?
I'm actually a doctor.

Yeah, you said that several times last night.
But really, you're just a dentist.

Okay, this is interesting.
Your blood work came in this morning.

Wow.

They found a large amount of Ruphylin
in your system.

Ruphylin. Roofies.
Commonly known as the date-rape drug.

What, so, what are you saying,
I was raped last night?

Actually...

I don't think so.
But someone did slip you the drug.

I'm not surprised
you don't remember anything.

[CHUCKLES]

Doc, none of us can remember anything
from last night. Remember?

Yeah. How could someone
have drugged all of us?

VALSH:
I wouldn't worry about it.

The stuff's out of your system.
You're gonna be fine.

Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor.
Is there anything else?

Like, something we may have been talking
about, or some place we were going?

Actually, there was something.

You guys kept talking about some wedding
last night.

Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug's
getting married tomorrow.

- You know what? I want the 100 back.
- No, no. Easy.

You kept talking about some wedding
you just came from.

At the, uh, Best Little Chapel.

You kept saying how sick the wedding was
and getting all crazy about it.

Okay, I hope this helps.
I really have to leave.

Best Little Chapel,
do you know where that is?

I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map
and Fuck Off.

I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.

Figure it out yourself, okay?
You're big boys.

ALAN:
What about the baby?

PHIL: Leave him in the car.
We're gonna be five minutes.

STU:
Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car.

He'll be fine. I cracked the window.

- What if they don't remember us?
- Well, let's just find out.

I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi.

[EDDIE LAUGHS]

Look at these guys.

What happened? You miss me?
You miss Eddie? You want more from me?

How are you, my friend?
Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy.

What's going on, man?

Listen, I'm gonna tell you something.
I know some sick people in my life.

This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard
I ever met in my life, man.

- This guy?
- This guy is out of his mind.

What's going on,
you fucking crazy motherfucker?

I thought he was gonna eat my dick.

What happened?
No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?

No, no. It's not that, Eddie.

Uh, it's just that we're having a hard time
remembering what happened here last night.

Yeah, was there a wedding here?
Do you do weddings here?

[LAUGHS]

You are cracking my balls, man.

I love these guys.
Zolea, what are you doing?

Bring my friends some tea,
some baklava, huh? Come on.

Unbelievable, man. Look at this chick.
Beautiful ass, no fucking brain.

But this is Vegas. You want intimacy,
forget it. You're gonna get sex.

That's it here, man.
No problem for me, though.

You want chicks?
I can get you beautiful chicks...

...from the Eastern Bloc. No questions.

Clean, tight.
The tits like that, the nipple like that.

Obviously we were here.
We're looking for our friend Doug.

- Do you remember?
- Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey.

- Yeah.
- You saw him?

Of course.

Is there anything you can tell us about
what may have happened last night?

You don't remember nothing?

[STU GROANS]

- Congratulations, Stu, you got married.
- This... This can't be happening.

- Oh, God.
ALAN: Look at that.

[STU GROANING]

I'll tell you one thing,
you look seriously happy here, man.

STU:
That's it. My life is over.

Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens.

Come on. Melissa's not gonna know
anything about this.

- This never happened. I'll take care of it.
- Come on. Put it here.

Hey, what's all that?

The High Roller package.
It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs.

- What?
EDDIE: You have baseball caps, huh?

And fancy calendars, all with pictures
of Stu and Jade.

PHIL:
Her name's Jade?

Yeah, and she's beautiful, man.
Clean, very tight. Tits like that.

- But that's because she had a baby.
PHIL: That explains the baby.

- Oh, Carlos. Carlos.
- Great. All right.

Uh, here's the deal.
We made a mistake last night.

We need this marriage annulled.
You do annulments?

Of course I do. It breaks my heart
and gonna make me sad...

...but it's no problem.
Good price for you.

I can't do it with just him, though.
I need the chick. I need both parties.

Oh, not a problem. That's great.
Isn't that great, Stu?

Come on, buddy.
She probably knows where Doug is.

- Awesome.
- All right, all right. Okay. Uh...

We need her address.
She filled out some paperwork, right?

Of course.

Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter
with you? Go and get the paperwork, man.

- I spend my life waiting for you. Come on.
- Okay. I'm going.

EDDIE:
And get the baklava, please.

- Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?
- I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back.

Then I vote we torch the cop car
and all this shit with it.

- Torch it? Who are you?
- I don't know, Phil.

Apparently I'm a guy who marries
complete strangers.

This whole situation is completely fucked.

- These mugs. This hat. This car.
- Hey!

It's all evidence
of a night that never happened.

That is why we're torching all of it.

Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher,
I got a family, okay?

I'm all for secrecy,
but I'm not gonna torch a cop car.

- Fine. I'll do it.
- Can I help?

- Yeah, thanks.
- And how exactly are you gonna do that?

Easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret,
light it on both ends, put it in.

They're attracted to the gas lines.

- What? A ferret?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Or a tamed raccoon,
but it's a lot of trouble.

ALAN: If you wanna...
- Does it matter if it's tamed?

Yeah, because if it's untamed,
it won't take the kerosene as well.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

PHIL: Is it Doug?
- I don't have it.

PHIL:
It's Doug, it's Doug.

Uh, it's Melissa.

- Don't answer.
- I have to. She's called twice already!

- Can I ride shotgun?
PHIL: Don't touch me.

Hey, sweetheart, how are you?

There you are.
This is the third time I'm trying you.

I know. The reception up here's crazy.

I think it's all the sequoia trees,
block the signal.

Ugh, I hate that.
So how was it last night?

Ah, it was really fun, actually.
It was quiet, but it was a good time.

MELISSA:
That sounds nice.

- I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids.
- Hi.

[BABBLES]

It'd be so cool if I could breast-feed,
you know?

STU:
Well, listen...

...we're about to go for a tractor ride.
PHIL: What the fuck?

STU: I should get going. So pretty.
MELISSA: A tractor ride?

[BASEBALL BAT THUDS]

- Go, out of the car!
- What was that?

They started up the tractor.
I think it backfired.

- Where the hell is he?
PHIL: Hey, easy, easy.

I think we're looking for
the same guy, okay?

Hey! What the hell, man?

[CRYING]

MELISSA: What the fuck, Stu?
Is that a baby?

Why would there be a baby?
We're at a winery. That's a goat.

- Where is he?
- I don't know! What are you talking about?

Sir, can you please start the tractor
so we can get out of here?

I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked.

Oh, my God!
What the hell is happening, Stu?

- Hey! There's a baby on board!
- Someone just said "baby."

- Get out of the car!
- It's a baby goat.

Why you making trouble
for my business, man?

- Go away from here.
- Get out of the car!

- Phil, he's got a gun!
- No shit he's got a gun!

- I gotta call you back. Bye.
- Come on.

PHIL: Fuck! Shit.
EDDIE: He shot me!

- He shot Eddie!
- Fuck this shit!

[SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS]

PHIL:
Fuck! Fuck!

Go, go, go!

MAN:
Fuck.

Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!

[BABY CRYING]

ALAN:
Who were those guys?

STU: We're gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.

What the fuck is going on?!

I have no idea.

[SIGHS]

[PANTING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Why don't you just let that
go to voicemail?

Ha-ha-ha.

That's a fake laugh, by the way.

It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum
P.I. And that Jewish actor.

Shut up, Alan.

- What room was it again?
- It's 825.

WOMAN:
I know, I did. I already checked with her.

I found him, I'll call you back.
Thank God, he's with his father.

I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie.

And I miss you.

[JADE MOANING]

No.

- What the hell happened to you guys?
- Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.

What do you mean? I got up this morning,
I went to get coffee...

...and I came back and you were gone.

- Why are you being so quiet?
- I'm not being quiet.

Ha, ha. You're so cute.

Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler.
Come inside, you guys.

Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler.

Yeah. I thought he looked
more like a Carlos too, bud.

Okay, what's up?
You guys are acting weird.

- Look, it's Jade, right?
- Very funny, Phil.

Right, Jade, uh, ahem,
you remember our friend, Doug.

Are you kidding? He was the best man.

Exactly. Well, we can't find him,
and we're getting worried.

JADE:
Oh, my God, that is so Doug.

Ha, ha. Oh.

[CRYING]

Oh, sweetie, I'm...
I'm gonna go clean him off.

It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck, man,
you gotta hold it together.

- Holy shit.
- She is super hot.

- You should be proud of yourself.
- She's wearing my grandmother's ring!

- What?
- The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa.

You remember,
my grandmother's Holocaust ring?

- Fuck. Okay.
- She's wearing it.

I didn't know they gave out rings
at the Holocaust.

- He's okay.
PHIL: Oh, good.

JADE: He was just hungry, he's fine.
- Oh, good.

About last night, uh, ahem, do you
remember the last time you saw Doug?

- Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding.
- The wedding. Okay. Great.

And, uh, we can't re...
What time was that at?

Well, it was, um...

[CLEARING THROAT]

I guess it was around 1, because I had
to go back to work and finish my shift.

And then when I got out I headed over
to the hotel with Tyler.

And was Doug there then?

I didn't see Doug because you guys
were passed out. The room was a wreck.

- So I just curled up next to Stu.
PHIL: Uh-huh.

- Rowr.
- Oh.

I got a question.
Um, you said when your shift ended.

Does that mean you're a nurse?
Or a blackjack dealer?

- You know this. I'm a stripper.
- Mm-hm.

Well, technically I'm an escort, but
stripping's a great way to meet the clients.

- Smart.
- Savvy.

But that's all in the past,
now that I married a doctor.

I'm just a dentist.

- Las Vegas Police! Freeze!
- Okay.

[TYLER CRYING]

Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!

STU: Oh, God!
PHIL: Okay, okay, okay.

After we take the mug shots,
we bring them down here...

...where they wait to be interviewed
by the arresting officers.

Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting
on these benches.

We call this place Loserville.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

FOLTZ:
Follow me. All right, let's do it. Come on.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Hello.

- Hey, Tracy! It's Phil.
TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hey, Phil.

- Where are you guys?
- We are at the spa at the hotel.

Cool. We're just getting some sun.
Is Doug around?

Of course. Why wouldn't he be?

I'm just wondering
why you're calling me.

Um...

We made a deal,
no talking to girlfriends or wives.

So we're all calling each other's.

TRACY:
Okay. What's up?

Uh, you are not gonna believe this.
We got comped an extra night at the hotel.

You did?

Yeah. The suite is... It's ridiculous.
It's out of control.

There's, like, room service and a butler.
I mean, just the works.

We're thinking of spending the night...

...and we're gonna come back
in the morning.

You wanna stay an extra night?
But the wedding's tomorrow.

That's why we're gonna get up early,
and we'll be back in plenty of time.

Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?

Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.

Okay, Trace, I gotta go.
We'll talk to you later.

Uh...

- Come on, chop-chop.
- Okay, spin around.

- That's it.
- Goddamn it.

- Wait a second.
- I'll go over. I'll go over.

PHIL: Stop pulling.
ALAN: Can you just...? Hold on.

We got it. Alan, just relax.
And then just... There we go.

Good.

[DOOR OPENS]

Gentlemen.

We've got some good news,
and we've got some bad news.

The good news is
we found your Mercedes.

[PHIL CHUCKLES]

- That's great news.
- That's great. See?

Yeah, it's over at impound right now.
We picked it up at 5 a.m. This morning...

...parked in the middle
of Las Vegas Boulevard.

PHIL: In the middle. That's weird.
- Yeah, that is weird.

There was also a note.

It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter,
but here's 4 bucks."

The bad news is...

...we can't get you in front of a judge
until Monday morning.

Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible.

No, we need to be in L.A. Tomorrow
for a wedding.

- You stole a police car.
- We didn't steal anything. Um, we found it.

Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward
or something, like a trophy.

- I see assholes like you every day.
- Every fucking day.

"Let's go to Vegas,
we'll all get drunk and laid!

- Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo.
- Woo-hoo.

Let's steal a cop car,
because it'd be really fucking funny."

Think you gonna get away with it?
Not up in here.

- Not up in here!
- Oh.

Uh...

Sir...

...if I may, um...

...l'm assuming that that squad car
belongs to one of you.

- Yeah.
PHIL: Yeah.

Look, I'm not a cop.

I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher.

But if one of my kids went missing
on a field trip...

...that would look really bad on me.

- What are you getting at?
- Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?

No one wants to look bad.
We gotta get to a wedding...

...and you guys don't need people
talking about...

...how some obnoxious tourists borrowed
your squad car last night.

But look, the point is,
I think we can work out a deal.

Discreetly of course, ma'am.

What do you say?

[LAUGHS]

FRANKLIN:
Let me ask you a question:

Do, uh, any of you gentlemen
have a heart condition or anything like that?

Uh, no.

Okay, kids,
you're in for a real treat today.

These gentlemen have kindly volunteered
to demonstrate...

...how a stun gun is used
to subdue a suspect.

KIDS:
Ooh!

- That's right.
- Wait a sec. What?

Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun.
Up close and personal.

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

- What the fuck?
- Or you can shoot it from a distance.

Do I have any volunteers? You wanna
come up here and do some shooting? Huh?

All right, how about you, young lady?
Come on up here. All right.

Let's go, handsome, come on.

Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back.
You, pretty boy.

GIRL: Fat Jesus.
FRANKLIN: All right, now, it's real simple.

All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot.

All right?

Okay, look.
You don't really wanna do this.

You can do this. Just focus.

Don't listen to this maniac.
Let's think this through.

Finish him!

PHIL: Oh, fuck.
FRANKLIN: Yeah!

[GRUNTING & FRANKLIN LAUGHING]

Right in the nuts! That was beautiful.

[KIDS LAUGH]

- Well done. Give her a hand, everybody.
- Good job. Good job.

Good job. Well done. Good job.
That was great.

Good. Hey, we got one more charge left.
Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?

How about you, big man?
Come on up here.

Okay, same instructions.
Just point, aim and shoot.

There you go. That's the stuff.

I like the intensity.

Eye of the tiger. Good.

You're holding 50,000 volts, little man.
Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.

[GRUNTING]

In the face! In the face!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, he's still up. He's still up.

- Aah!
- No.

All right, everybody relax, take it easy.

We've seen it before.
He just needs a little extra charge.

There we go.

[FRANKLIN & GARDEN LAUGHING]

Some of these big boys,
you gotta give them two shots.

All right, kids, who wants to get their
fingerprints done, huh? Come on, let's go.

STU:
Fuck those guys, you hear me?

That was bullshit.
I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car.

- They let us go, who cares?
- I care!

You can't just do that. You can't just
tase people because you think it's funny.

That's police brutality.

I'm getting a soda.
Do you guys want anything?

No.

My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ.

Alan, you okay?

I'm just worried.

What if something happened to Doug?
Something bad.

Come on, you can't think like that.

I mean, what if he's dead?

I can't afford to lose anybody
close to me again. It hurts too much.

- I was so upset when my grandpa died.
- Oh, I'm s... How'd he die?

- World War II.
- Died in battle?

No, he was skiing in Vermont.
It was just during World War II.

Alan...

...Doug is fine.
- Well, why hasn't he called?

I don't know,
but we're gonna figure it out.

I'll tell you another thing,
6-1 odds our car is beat to shit.

Stu, not now.

No, how much do you wanna bet
it's fucked beyond recognition?

That's enough. Alan's seriously worried,
okay? Let's not freak him out any more.

Sorry, Alan.

You know what?

We'll search the car for clues
and everything's gonna be okay.

[CAR APPROACHING]

PHIL: Oh, shit. I can't watch.
Just tell me what it looks like.

STU:
Not looking. Not looking.

- Wow. All right.
PHIL: Oh, thank God.

You see?

It's gonna be all right.

- Anything?
STU: Hmm, I got a cigar.

Oh, I found, uh...
These are some black shoes.

- They women's shoes?
- I don't know.

- Whose are those?
- I don't know. It's a men's size 6.

- That's weird.
- What is this, a snakeskin?

Oh, come on! Ew!

- That's a used condom, Alan.
- Oh, God. Blech!

- Get it out of the car.
STU: Gross, it's wet.

- I don't want the thing.
- Hey! Come on.

I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!

STU: Get it out.
PHIL: Fuck!

Oh, my God.

All right, what the fuck, man?
We gotta get this shit together, guys!

[THUMPING ON METAL]

What was that?

It's in the trunk.

- Doug's in the trunk.
PHIL: Oh, fuck! Holy shit!

Holy shit!

- Open it! Open it! Open it!
PHIL: Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

[MAN & PHIL GRUNTING]

ALAN:
Oh God!

Please! Please! Please stop!

[STU GRUNTING]

Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!

- You gonna fuck on me?
- Nobody's gonna fuck on you!

We're on your side. I hate Godzilla!
I hate him too. I hate him!

He destroys cities! Please!

This isn't your fault.
I'll get you some pants.

[GRUNTING]

PHIL:
What the fuck was that?

STU: I have internal bleeding.
Somebody call 911.

That was some fucked up shit.

Who was that guy? He was so mean.

Guys, there's something
I need to tell you.

Last night on the roof,
before we went out...

...I slipped something
in our Jägermeister.

- What?
- I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys.

- You drugged us?
- No, I didn't drug you.

I was told it was ecstasy.

Well, who told you it was ecstasy?

The guy I bought it from
at the liquor store.

Why would you give us ecstasy?

I wanted everybody to have a good time
and I knew you guys wouldn't take it.

It was just one hit each.
I used to do three hits a night.

But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan,
it was roofies!

ALAN:
You think I knew that, Stu?

The guy I bought it from
seemed like a real straight shooter.

You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store
wasn't a good guy?

Let's just calm down.

You fucking calm down! He drugged us.
I lost a tooth. I married a whore.

- How dare you! She's a nice lady.
- You are such a fucking moron.

- Your language is offensive.
STU: Fuck you!

All right,
let's just take a deep breath, okay?

Seriously, this is a good thing.

At least it's not some stranger who
drugged us for God knows what reason.

Yeah, you're right, Phil,
it's totally a good thing.

We're so much better off now.

Here's something
I would like to remind you two of:

Our best friend Doug is probably
facedown in a ditch right now...

...with a meth-head butt-fucking
his corpse.

- That's highly unlikely.
- It's true.

Does not help.
All right, let's get our shit together, guys.

Let's go back to the hotel,
and I'm gonna make a couple calls.

Maybe Doug's back there.
Maybe he's asleep.

Come on. Let's go.

- Stu? Little help?
STU: Shut up.

ALAN: Ow.
- Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?

ALAN: Yeah, I'm fine.
- Alan, I'm sorry.

Wait, guys. Guys.

What about the tiger?
What if he got out?

Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting
about the goddamn tiger.

How the fuck did he get in there?

- I don't know, because I don't remember.
- Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down.

Because one of the, uh, side effects of, uh,
roofies is memory loss.

You are literally too stupid to insult.

- Thank you.
- Hey.

[PHIL COLLINS' "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey, come on.

Did we leave the music on?

Hey. Shh.

Don't make any sudden movements.

- Unh. Whoa!
- Aah!

- Who the hell are you?
- No, who are you?

MAN:
Quiet, quiet.

Mike Tyson?

Shh. This is my favorite part
coming up right now.

[MIKE SINGING "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"]

Need a chorus line, guys.

[SINGING CHORUS]

[CONTINUES SINGING]

One more time, guys.

[SINGING CHORUS]

PHIL:
Oh, Jesus!

Oh, fuck!

Why did you do that?

Mr. Tyson would like to know
why is his tiger in your bathroom.

Hold on,
that was completely unnecessary.

I'm a huge fan.
When you knocked out Holmes, that was...

Explain.

All right, look, we were drugged last night.
We have no memory of what happened.

STU:
It's true.

We got in all kinds of trouble last night
and now we can't find our friend.

If you wanna kill us,
go ahead because I don't care anymore.

- What are you talking about?
- I don't care.

Why the fuck
would you wanna steal his tiger?

We tend to do dumb shit
when we're fucked up.

- I don't believe these guys, man.
- Wait, how did you guys find us?

One of you dropped your jacket.
Found it in the tigers' cage this morning.

That's Doug's.

Yeah, Doug.
His wallet and his room key is in there.

- No, that's our missing friend.
LEONARD: I don't give a fuck.

- Did you guys see him?
MIKE: I was fast asleep.

Because if he was up, this
wouldn't have gone down so smoothly.

Maybe one of the tigers
ate his ass like Omar.

Respect.

Wha... What happened to Omar?

Oh, don't worry about Omar,
he's not with us no more.

Okay, I know this is asking a lot...

...but do you think we could
go to your house and look around...

...see if there's any clues?

Absolutely. How else you think
we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?

- Come on, champ.
- I'm sorry?

We're not gonna put it in the Bentley.
You brought it here, you bring it back.

What you think, about 40 minutes?

Don't make me come back for him.

- That was Mike Tyson.
- Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson.

I'm just saying, he's still got it.

PHIL:
Alan.

Bud, are you okay?

STU: Oh, my God.
- Shit!

Fuck, where'd he get him?

Hey.

STU:
This does not seem fair.

PHIL: It's Rock, Paper, Scissors.
There's nothing more fair.

- Alan should do it.
- Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson.

Come on. For Doug.

Why are you peppering the steak?
You don't know if tigers like pepper.

Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.

Phil, just do it. You should do it.

I would, but you lost.
It wouldn't be right.

Okay, I jammed five roofies in there.

Just go in there and throw it in to him.

Fine.

Make sure he eats the whole thing.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Hey, kitty.

Hey, sweetie, it's okay.
I got a little snack for you.

Real important that you eat this, okay?

Yeah, just have a little...

[TIGER ROARING]

[SCREAMS]

Shit!

[PANTING]

What do we do now?

We wait.

[SINGING]
What do tigers dream of

When they take a little tiger snooze?

Do they dream of mauling zebras

Or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit?

Don't you worry your pretty striped head

We're gonna get you back to Tyson
And your cozy tiger bed

And then we're gonna find
Our best friend Doug

And then we're gonna give him
A best-friend hug

Doug

Doug

Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug

But if he's been murdered
By crystal-meth tweakers

[TIGER GROANS AND THUDS]

Well, then we're shit out of luck

By the way, we're all gonna die.

ALAN:
Wait.

PHIL: Oh, God.
ALAN: Watch it!

STU:
His nose. That's his nose.

Please don't stop. Please don't stop.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Please don't... Goddamn it.

DAD:
I'm gonna beat you! Ha-ha-ha.

Oh... He won again.

[TIGER GROWLING]

- Hey, fellas. Rough night?
STU: Mm-hm.

Sweetie, stay close to Mama.

- What's this?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take it easy, little man.
You don't wanna be touching that.

No, partner, that's not your property.

So, what do you guys got under there?

Just a whole bunch of
"mind your own business."

STU: Easy, Phil.
- He's correct. My fault.

- You okay?
- Aren't we riding an elevator?

Why, is this Jeopardy?
What the fuck is this bullshit?

- Please, with the language.
- Yes.

- I fully agree.
- Oh.

Hey, guys, when's the next
Halley's comet?

- Who cares, man?
- Do you know, Stu?

I don't think it's for, like,
another 60 years or something.

- But it's not tonight, right?
- No, I don't think so.

But you don't know for sure?

No.

I got this cousin who saw one.
He said it blew his mind.

I wanna make sure I never, ever miss out
on a Halley's Comet.

So if you guys
know if there's gonna be one...

Oh, fuck!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY
& TIGER ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

- Oh, my God!
PHIL: Fuck it!

Stu! Stu, it got me! Stu!

You got clawed! You're bleeding!

- Oh.
ALAN: I'm panicking.

- Aah!
PHIL: Oh, my God.

Okay. Okay, okay. Wait, hold on.

[GROWLING]

[GROWLS]

- I can't do it.
PHIL: Get your fucking hand back in there...

...and steer the car.
- I'm too nervous.

STU: Alan. We need you, buddy.
This is your time to shine, okay?

Okay, yeah. Whew.

Daddy's gonna kill me.

- That's it.
PHIL: That's good.

Keep it straight.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- You're late.
- Whatever, man.

We had to push it the last mile.

Come on in. Mike's got something
he wants to show you.

[TIGER GROANING]

That thing's out of control, man.
Seriously, you gotta put it down.

When we got back,
we took a look at the security cameras.

Great.

PHIL [ON VIDEO]: This is how you walk.
This is how you walk.

- Oh, it's Doug.
- Oh, thank God he's alive.

That's our buddy.
That's who we've been missing.

We're all best friends.

Why don't you just pay attention?
I don't have all night.

Yeah, of course. Of course.

STU: What are you doing?
ALAN: Hey, guys. Check it out. Watch this.

That's me, I'm on TV.
I've never been on TV before.

DOUG:
What are you doing, man?

Really? Really, Alan?

DOUG:
You got a fire hose, man?

Yeah, I was, uh...

[DOUG LAUGHING ON VIDEO]

STU:
You're gonna overflow the pool, man.

- Maybe... Should I wait outside?
- I think that's a good idea, Alan.

ALAN:
Yeah.

Don't touch anything out there, either.

You know what? He's not our good fr...
We don't know him that well.

PHIL:
Come on. Come on, come on.

By the way,
where you get that cop car from?

We, uh, stole it from
these dumb-ass cops.

Nice.

[LAUGHING]

High five that one.

Yeah, that's nice.

PHIL:
You know, I just have to say...

...I have never seen a more beautiful,
elegant, just regal creature.

PHIL: Check it out. Stu. Stu.
Fuck this tiger.

STU: Oh, my God. That's awful.
MIKE: Oh, man.

[STU LAUGHING ON VIDEO]

PHIL [OVER TV]: Oh, shit.
- Who does shit like that, man?

Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously.
I'm a sick man.

DOUG:
Oh, my God.

That's all we got.

This was hugely helpful.

Really. Because now we know
that our buddy Doug...

...was with us at 3:30, totally alive.

Thanks again, champ. And, uh, again,
we are so sorry we stole your tiger.

Don't worry about it, man.

Like you said, we all do dumb shit
when we're fucked up.

[LAUGHING]

- I told you he'd get it.
- I did say that.

You know, everyone says
Mike Tyson is such a badass...

...but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.

I think he's mean.

All right. I think it's officially time
we call Tracy.

Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something
that makes sense.

We don't have much of a choice.
And maybe she's heard from Doug.

That's what I been saying this whole time.

We just need to be completely honest.
We need to tell her everything.

We don't have to tell her everything.
We can leave out the stuff...

...about me marrying a hooker.

Just stay focused on Doug.

- What am I gonna tell my dad?
- Alan, relax. It's just the inside.

Come on. I got a guy in L.A.
Who's great with interiors.

[SCREAMING]

[PHIL, ALAN & STU GRUNTING]

[PHIL COUGHING]

- Oh, Jesus!
STU: Oh, my God.

- Are you guys okay?
PHIL: What the fuck?

I know that guy.
That's the guy from the trunk.

Get out of the car. Please.

STU: W... W... Wait.
Those are the guys that shot Eddie.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Listen...
MAN 1: Let's go!

- Okay.
- Oh, no.

STU: Easy, easy.
MAN 2: Come on.

PHIL:
Okay. All right.

- All right, all right.
MAN 2: Let's go.

Hey, relax. Ow. Ow. Ow!

- I have whiplash.
- Get this other fat boy.

Get the fat boy.

ALAN:
Hey, hey, hey.

PHIL: All right, all right.
STU: Hey, take it easy, take it easy!

I want my purse back, assholes.

- What? Your purse?
- That's not a purse, it's a satchel.

It's a purse. Okay?
And you steal from wrong guy.

Wait a second, wait a second.
We stole from you?

Okay, you know what?

We don't remember anything
that happened last night...

...so help us out a little here.

Well, apparently you guys met
at a craps table late last night.

You were on a heater,
and he played your hot streak.

- He ended up winning just under 80 grand.
- No shit? Eighty grand is nice.

Okay, that's good.

He put the chips in his purse,
and then you guys took off with it.

That doesn't sound like us.

Mine had $80,000 inside.
And this one? Nothing.

Hey, there are Skittles in there.

Ow! Oh, not again.

[LAUGHING]

Don't let the beard fool you.
He's a child.

It's funny because he's fat.

Now, look, this was obviously
a very simple misunderstanding.

Alan picked up the wrong purse,
it's no big deal.

Okay, if it's, "No big deal,"
why, when I come after you guys...

...he starts screaming like crazy and
throw me in trunk?

What, I did that?

Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm,
and you want to take him home with you.

[PHIL AND STU LAUGH]

- Lucky charm.
- Oh, it's just funny.

[LAUGHING]

Fuck you.

If you want to see your friend again,
you get me my 80 grand.

- What?
- Our friend?

- You have Doug?
PHIL: You know about our friend?

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Doug!
- Doug!

- Doug's in the car! Doug's in the car!
- Doug, it's okay!

You chill out, goatee!

- Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine.
- What do you want?

Not so good now.
Quid pro quo, douche bag.

What?

Look, we're very sorry.
But this is an easy fix.

- Alan, where's his purse?
- I don't know.

- It's in the hotel room, right?
- Yeah, we can get it.

We can get you the...
We can even write you a check right now.

No chance. Cash only.

- There's a person in there.
CHOW: Boring.

[YAWNS]

Take nap. Come on.

Wait. I'm sorry we're boring you!

PHIL: Doug, it's okay.
- You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper!

PHIL: Wait.
STU: Oh, no. You're not going anywhere.

Stop.

Stop. Run me over.

- Okay. Whoa. Whoa.
PHIL: Stu, Stu, Stu.

Bring money to Big Rock
in Mojave Desert at dawn.

- What?
- Toodle-oo, motherfucker.

Well, at least take the bag
off his head! Fuck!

Oh!

Come on, get out of here.

Guys, I'm telling you, I looked for it this
morning before we left. It's not anywhere.

Fuck.

Stu, how much you got in the bank?

About 10 grand.
I was gonna use it for the wedding.

You're already married,
so we're good there.

Besides, enough with Melissa,
she's the worst.

Yeah, Doug told me she had sex
with a pilot or something.

It was a bartender on a cruise.
What is wrong with you people?

- Ew. Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?
- Yes.

What are we gonna do?
We are so fucked.

ALAN:
Hey, guys?

- Did you find it?
- Nope.

But check this out.

Change only, 10,000.

- Hey, uh, these seats taken?
- No, feel free.

All right, let's play some blackjack!

[YELLING AND WHOOPING]

That's it. Shut up, bitches.

Hmm.

- I'll stick.
- Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!

Splitting fives.

- Too many.
- Yes!

[JADE MOANING]

I don't even know you,
but I'm gonna tell you that's dumb.

- Yes!
JADE: Oh!

Okay, come on.
He can't lose. He can't lose.

I think the pit boss is watching him.

[WHOOPING]

[JADE LAUGHING]

[SHRIEKING]

[JADE GROANING]

- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?

I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous
when I gamble. I'm so silly.

- It happens.
- Whoa. Hold on a beat, okay?

- Let's just take it easy. This is my wife.
- It's hurting.

STU:
Make sure... Does it hurt? Does this hurt?

- Oh, ow.
- You all right?

JADE: I don't know.
- I don't know either. I don't...

I think you're fine. Let's go.

- Really? Okay.
STU: Upsy-daisy, there.

I'm sorry,
she's had a little too much to drink.

Thanks, buddy. That's for you.

STU:
And 100, 200, 300, 400.

With all this, that's $82,400.

- Oh, goddamn it. I don't fucking believe it.
- Whoo!

- Alan, you're the man.
- You are too, Phil.

We should come back next week,
take the whole city down.

Oh, I'm free next week.

Or we could just focus
on getting Doug back, right now.

Uh, you know what? Next week's no good,
the Jonas Brothers are in town.

But any week after that is totally fine.

I think it's safe to say that our luck
has officially turned around, guys.

- We are back, baby. We are fucking back.
- We're back. Classic.

[SINGING]
We are back, we are back

PHIL:
That's right.

We are getting Doug back

And we're the three best friends
That anybody could have

We're the three best friends
That anyone could have

We're the three best friends
That anyone can have

And we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever
Leave each other

We're the best three friends
That anybody could have

I mean, the three best friends
That anybody could have

That's right, the three best friends
That anybody can have

PHIL: Now what?
- Give him the signal.

- What signal?
- Flash your lights. Let him know it's on.

- What's on?
- The deal.

Of course it's on. We just drove 30 miles
into the desert. He knows it's on.

Phil, just do something.

Fine.

- Oh, shit.
ALAN: See?

All right, let's go.

[ALAN GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

Funny fat guy fall on face.

You okay?

All right, we got the money.
Eighty grand, cash.

Throw it over. Then I give you Doug.

Um, I'm sorry. First of all, good morning.
And we didn't catch your name last night.

Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.

Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure.
My name is Stu.

And we would very much appreciate
an opportunity to see Doug...

...before we give you the money,
just to verify that he's okay.

- Lf that's cool.
- Of course, Stu. That is cool.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Oh, thank God.
- Okay.

See, he fine. Now give me money...

...or I shoot him,
and I shoot all you motherfuckers.

And then we take it.
Your choice, bitches.

- Give him the money, Stu.
- Okay.

MAN: It's all there.
- Let him go.

All right, take it easy. Take it easy.

CHOW:
Ta-da.

[STU SHOUTS]

Is this some kind ofjoke?
Who the hell is this?

That is not Doug.

What you talking about, Willis?
That him.

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow.
That's not our friend.

- He... That's...
- The Doug we're looking for is a white.

Ah! I told you you had the wrong guy,
little boy.

Damn, Alan,
what the fuck you got me into?

- You know him?
- This is the guy that sold me the bad drugs.

- How you doing?
- I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs.

- Wait. He sold you the Ruphylin?
- Ruphylin? I sold you that Ru...? Wha...?

- Who gives a shit? Where is Doug?
- I am Doug.

- Your name's Doug?
- Yes, I'm Doug.

His name's Doug too. Ha. Classic mix-up.

Come on.

- Hey, Chow. You gave us the wrong Doug.
- Not my problem.

No, fuck that shit. Now, you give us
our 80 grand back and take him with you!

- No. Come on. I'll be your Doug.
- Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, I take him back.

Right after you suck on
these little Chinese nuts.

- Ah. That's nasty.
- Mmm. How that sound?

Unh, pshh.

- So long, gay boys.
- Wait a second.

DOUG:
He's a nasty little motherfucker.

Did you ever get any ecstasy?

DOUG:
No, I ain't got no fucking ecstasy.

- Goddamn it!
ALAN: Gosh darn it!

- Shit!
ALAN: Shoot!

[PHONE LINE RINGING]

[COUGHS]

TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Hello?
- Ahem, Tracy, it's Phil.

Phil, where the hell are you guys?
I'm freaking out.

PHIL:
Yeah, listen.

We fucked up.

Thanks for the lift back to town.

- I got a question for you.
- What's up?

How did you wind up in Chow's car?

That crazy asshole
kidnapped me yesterday.

Okay, but why? I mean, why you?

He thought I was with you guys because
we were hanging over at the Bellagio.

- What?
- We were at the Bellagio?

We were shooting craps.
You don't remember?

No. No, we don't remember.

Because some dick drug dealer sold him
Ruphylin and told him it was ecstasy.

Ruphylin. There you go with that word.
Ruphylin. What the hell is a Ruphylin?

Wow, you are
the world's shittiest drug dealer.

Ruphylin, for your information,
is the date-rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.

Oh, shit. I must have mixed up the bags.
My fault, Alan.

Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me
on that one.

- Whatever.
- It's funny, because just the other day...

...me and my boy, we was wondering
why they even call them roofies.

- You know what I'm talking about?
- No. Don't know.

Why not floories, right?
Because when you take them...

...you're more likely
to end up on the floor than the roof.

What about groundies?
That's a good new name for them.

Or, how about rapies?

- Wait, what did you just say?
- Rapies.

- Not you. Doug, what did you say before?
- I said groundies.

No, before that.

You said, "You're more likely to wind up
on the floor than..."

- Phil.
- Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry. L...

[GRUNTING]

TRACY [OVER PHONE]: Phil? Hello?
- Tracy, it's Stu.

Stu. Talk to me. What's going on?

Uh, nothing. Don't listen to Phil.

He's completely out of his mind.
He's probably still drunk from last night.

Where's Doug?

STU: He is paying the bill.
We just had a delicious brunch.

We're in a hurry to get back,
so we gotta get going.

- Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.
- Stu.

Stu. Fuck.

- What the fuck, man?
- I know where Doug is.

STU:
I don't know, man. It just hit me.

You remember when we saw
Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?

- Yeah, we threw it out the window.
- No, impossible.

- You can't open windows in Vegas hotels.
- Well, then how did it get...?

- Oh, my God!
- Ha, ha, ha.

- Whoa, wait. What's going on?
- Doug was trying to signal someone.

- Holy shit.
STU: Yes.

- Wait. How did you figure that out?
- Doug made me realize it.

- Doug?
- Uh, not our Doug. Black Doug.

- Hey, hey, easy with that shit. Come on.
- Sorry.

Can someone tell me
where white Doug is?

- He's on the roof, Alan.
- Yes.

He's on the roof. We must have taken him
up there as a prank...

...so he'd wake up on the roof.
- Like that time in summer camp.

We moved his sleeping bag
out in the jetty at the lake?

Ha, ha, ha. Which was hilarious.

It's not so funny now, though,
because we forgot where we put him.

You guys are retarded, you know that?

- Holy shit. You think he's still up there?
- There's only one way to find out.

PHIL:
Doug!

Doug!

- Doug!
PHIL: Doug, you up here, buddy?

Where you at, Doug?

Doug!

Hey, guys!

He's over here!

ALAN: Hey, I found him! He's over here!
- Oh, shit.

He's okay.

You're okay. Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, God. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.

Oh, we have been looking everywhere
for you.

- He's alive.
- What the fuck is going on?

We can explain everything,
but right now we gotta go.

- Hey, bud. You okay?
- No. Not okay.

You look good, you got some color.
I'm jealous.

- I'm getting married today.
- Yes, you are.

That's why you need to focus
and do everything we say.

Because, frankly,
you're wasting a little bit of time right now.

You fucking asshole!

[GRUNTING]

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, my skin burns. My skin burns.

Oh, ow! God.

- It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug.
- Don't touch me. Shut up.

All of you, shut up.

Just get me home.

Mm-hm.

Just get me home.

STU:
What about the one after that?

You cannot be serious.

Oh, goddamn it.

- What?
- Every flight to L.A. Is booked.

- What about Burbank?
- Sold out.

Oh, fuck! We can't drive there, the
wedding starts in three and a half hours.

- Alan, where's the car?
ALAN: It's on its way.

You know what?

We can drive there.
We can make it. Okay?

Hi.

- Just give me one second.
PHIL: We will leave without you.

- Is he missing a tooth?
- Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

STU: Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, thanks for helping out last night.
That was so awesome.

Sure.

Listen, Jade, l...

Look, you don't have to say it.
I totally understand.

- This whole thing was stupid.
- Huh.

It was stupid, wasn't it?

- This is yours.
- Oh, thank you.

I can't believe I gave my grandmother's
Holocaust ring to someone I just met.

- What was I thinking?
- You were really fucked up.

Clearly.

- You did pull out your own tooth.
- L...?

I pulled out my tooth?

Why did I pull out my own tooth?

Alan bet you
that you weren't a good enough dentist...

...to pull out your own tooth.

Okay. Heh.

- Of course he did.
- You won.

Yeah. Clearly. Yeah.

That's victory, right there.

ALAN:
It needs to go down.

- It's good. Get in.
- No. Safety first.

- Alan, it's fine. It's down.
- No, I gotta get it down first.

PHIL: Jesus Christ. Look out.
- Don't mess the car up.

You're gonna mess the car up.

- Hey, what are you doing next weekend?
- I don't know. Working. Why?

I was thinking maybe I'd come back
and take you out to dinner.

Really? Like a date?

Yeah. Like a date.
Only, one that hopefully I'll remember.

Sounds good.

- Stu. Come on.
- Stu. Come on.

I gotta go. Okay. Bye.

[LAUGHING]

- Bye.
- Bye.

All right, here we go.

- All right, let's go.
- Yeah.

Careful.

At least the trip
wasn't a total disaster.

- What makes you say that?
- When I woke up on the roof...

...I happened to find $80,000
worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket.

- Oh!
STU: Oh, my God!

Looks like we're going home
with some money, boys.

[ALL WHOOPING]

[HORN HONKING]

ALAN:
Here he comes. That's him.

- Hey, Neeco!
NEECO: Hey. What's up, Alan?

STU:
Whoo!

- Whoa, look out.
- Oh, shit.

ALAN:
Whoa! Whoa!

- Thanks, Neeco.
NEECO: You got it, man.

ALAN: Page me!
NEECO: Adiós.

STU: Who the hell was that guy?
ALAN: That's my buddy.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Hey. Sorry, MapQuest took us
on a really crazy route.

[MUSICIANS PLAYING "SPRING"]

[MUSICIANS PLAYING
"WEDDING MARCH"]

- How's my hair?
- It looks good.

- Is it cool like Phil's?
- It's classic Phil.

She looks beautiful, man.

Sorry I'm late.

Vegas.

Where were you?
And why are you so red?

Honey, it's a long story.

MINISTER:
We are gathered here today...

...because of the strength of love
and of promises kept.

All I know is I am so sorry.

And I promise
for as long as we're married...

...to never, ever put you
through anything like this again.

Can you forgive me?

[SINGING "CANDY SHOP"]

[CHATTERING]

- Daddy.
- Hey, my man.

Excuse me,
but I'm expecting my husband any minute.

Oh, that's very funny. Come here.

[GROANS]

How was your soccer game?

[CONTINUES SINGING]

[GRUNTS]

- Stu? You avoiding me?
- Hey. Melissa.

Oh, my God.
What happened to your tooth?

Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother.
Brother of the...

Okay. Ow.

That is disgusting.
Why haven't you returned my calls?

Well, there was a snafu
when we stopped...

I called that bed and breakfast in Napa.

They said they had no record
of you even checking in.

That's because we didn't go to Napa.

- Stu. What the fuck is going on?
- We went to Las Vegas.

Oh, really? Las Vegas?
Why would you go to Las Vegas?

My friend was getting married.
That's what guys do.

- Okay, that's not what you do.
- Really?

Well, then why did I do it, huh?
Because I did it. Riddle me that.

Why'd I do it?

All you want me to do
is what you want me to do.

I'm sick of doing what you want.

In a healthy relationship,
a guy should be able to do what he wants.

- That is not how this works!
STU: Oh, good.

Because whatever this is
ain't working for me!

MELISSA: Oh, really?
STU: Yeah.

Since when?

Since you fucked that waiter
on your cruise last June. Boom!

- You told me it was a bartender.
- Oh, you're right. I stand corrected.

It was a bartender.
You fucked a bartender.

You're an idiot.

You're... You...

[GROANS]

You're such a bad person.

Like, all the way through to your core.

Alan, shall we dance?

Let's do this.

[BAND PLAYING "FAME"]

[SINGING "FAME"]

- It was a real pleasure meeting you.
- Fuck off.

- I'm getting my bartender's license.
- Suck my dick.

No, thank you.

[CONTINUES SINGING]

[CHEERING]

You guys are awe...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

DOUG: Sid?
- There he is.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah.

- Congratulations, buddy.
- Congratulations to you.

- You had us worried there for a second.
- Sorry.

How was Vegas?

It was... Ahem. It was crazy.

Attaboy.

[CHUCKLES]

- Enjoy the car?
- Mm-hm.

- Remember to put Armor All on the tires?
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Let me ask you a question.

How can a cake cost $1400?

- Highway robbery.
- It's criminal.

Sid, ahem, about the car...

Tracy told you. I told her not to tell you.
I wanted to tell you.

- Tell me what?
- Careful, Doug. These women...

...can't be trusted.

- Tell me what, Sid?
- The Mercedes.

It is a wedding gift from Linda and I.

- Are you serious?
- What do you think?

[LAUGHING]

That is awesome.

Thank you. Oh.

Thanks, Daddy. Thanks, Sid.

[WHISPERING] Close the door.
- You're awesome.

You are awesome.

Yeah.

Dougie...

...I gotta tell you, man,
this was a gorgeous wedding.

- I give it six months.
- You're a dick.

I don't know what to say.
Thanks for the bachelor party, I guess?

Yeah. I just wish
we could actually remember some of it.

- Hey, guys? Look what I found.
- Whoa, that's my camera.

- It was in the back seat of the car.
- Oh, Go... Are there photos on it?

Yeah. Some of it's even worse
than we thought.

- No fucking way. Give me that.
- Wa... Wa... Wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

We look at these pictures together, okay?
One time.

- And then we delete the evidence.
- I say we delete it right now.

Are you nuts? I wanna find out
how I wound up in the hospital.

- Yeah, it's in there.
- Guys, one time.

- Deal?
- Deal.

- Deal.
- Okay.

Oh, dear Lord!

ALAN:
That's classic!

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