Original subtitles

It was the 25th anniversary of Adult Swim.

We had all gathered for a celebratory cruise.

-Permission to board? -Welcome. Welcome aboard.

Hey, did you pack anything I didn't know was supposed to bring stuff?

I'm already feeling a little seasick here, Eric.

-Let me just support your lumbar. -Champagne, sir?

Holy cow! Am I in the future?

I am Adult Swim's new AI robot.

Soon, everything will be AI.

That is bleak. What about apples?

No, probably not apples.

Thank God!

Two by two, just like Noah's Ark.

Get out of my way. Daddy needs the bar.

The 25th anniversary is known as the Silver Ann--

Nobody gives a shit.

I do.

Are Rick and Morty here?

Oh, they're way too important to be here.

But you can get your picture taken with the walk-arounds.

-Okay. -Oh, jeez.

Oh, quiet, Mr. Pickles. No mischief now.

Oh, wow, what a deal!

A free cruise, and all I have to do is shovel coal for 16 hours a day?

Oh, boy!

Boating is in my DNA.

You know, Michigan is known as the Great Lakes State.

Now, that's good salt water in here.

Oh, jeez. Objection! R-- Re-- relevance, Your Honor?

Good question, Lawyer Marty.

Where's this going, Mr. Birdman?

Where, you ask, Judge Mike Tyson?

On a one-way trip to Class Action Settlement... ville Town,

Adult Swim's negligence led to 846 deaths aboard that cruise.

Okay, I'm listening.

Now, Mr. Eagleheart, you say--

My name's Chris Monsanto.

Should have named the show Monsanto.

You are on board in your capacity as cruise marshal, correct?

Yes. Interpol tipped me off to a pickpocket ring of seafaring mimes.

Freeze! Cruise marshal!

Try to glassbox me, motherfucker, and I will... fuck you up!

Mon dieu! Chris Monsanto? The legend of Mime-Merson University?

Yes. Class of '90-mime.

It is I, my love.

François, a criminal mime?

It makes sense since you stole my heart.

Is that a gun in your pocket? Or do you say "Bang!"

Fuck, it was a gun.

You are too beautiful to live.

Hi, I'm Dr. Blake Downs with cruise ship safety tips.

When it comes to proper footwear on the deck, don't clown around. Get it?

How the hell am I staying upright?

Shark, bitte!

Mr. The Monarch, your wife, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch,

testified you were on board, quote,

"With his dumb-ass friends to commit some dumb-ass crimes," end quote.

We were there to steal the great Alaskan jewel,

which I planned to give my wife for Arbor Day

before she needlessly slandered my friends in court. However...

Sky Monkey Pavilion deck, floor 12, door 38. This is the place!

Oh, great. It's friggin' locked.

Stupid earthlings. You must do the secret knock.

Yeah, the secret knock, man.

Ain't no secret knock instructions on my invite.

-There was a QR code. -Yeah, man.

Meant to be scanned with your pathetic flip phone.

Eat a dick, telephones!

You got one of them QVC codes on your invite, clown?

Dr. Rockso used his invite to snort cocaine.

-The code was there. I saw it. -It was there.

I don't fucking care. Did anyone scan it?

Our Mint Mobile plan does not cover the ocean or anywhere with hills.

-But it's cheap, man. -Just do like a regular knock.

Needs a little more cocaine flair.

Behold.

I did the Moonanite "this door shall open after being knocked upon" knock.

And now it is open.

-Door's locked. -Y'all don't know the secrets.

Dr. Rockso just gonna make a key card out of balloons. Watch this.

Oh, yeah...

...to squeeze...

That was Dr. Rockso's last balloon.

There, it is now open.

-Suck it, door. -Suck it dry, door.

The door's locked, by the way.

Hey! Hey, yo, anyone in there?

Will you keep it down, you pleebs?

We're trying to have a secret meeting in here.

Tonight, we will execute the heist of the century.

Aboard this ship is the Great Alaskan Jewel.

Time out. Who the fuck is this kid?

Everyone, meet my son, Simon. The babysitter canceled last minute,

something about being pregnant, and here we are.

The Great Alaskan Jewel is on display in the Portside Theater.

Security cameras are here and here.

And here's the cafeteria with a crepe station.

They got a crepe station!

The vault on board has three layers of security failsafes.

Dah!

-Oh, yeah, things are-- are pretty good. -Yeah, pretty good, too.

I demand to be let into the rich people's zone!

The party is open to everyone, sir.

Then I am leaving!

Hold that thought! Mousy and frowny at 12 o'clock, wow!

Pardon me, madam. You happen to be

in the market for a future ex-husband who'll drain your financial resources

and your faith in men?

I'm pitching a miracle drug to a pharmaceutical backer.

Oh, what a coincidence! The name's Shake.

Shake Ibuprofen, inventor of-- Ah, no matter.

-You don't care about-- -Are you the inventor of ibuprofen?

That's indeed what I've led you to believe.

Now, how about we wrap our lips around some drinks?

Oh, I have to take the biggest crap in the world, man.

I just like being in the line.

Boy, there's not a lot of ventilation on this thing.

Guys, guys. All these people are clearly in line to see the Great Alaskan Jewel.

Hey, gang, in line for the meet and greet?

-The what, now? -It's 800 bucks, but you get a tote bag.

Eight hundred dollars to see a jewel?

Do you know how much cocaine that would buy?

No, idiot. It's not a jewel. The Jewel.

Did you know she lived in her car?

I think we're gonna need a plan B.

When in doubt, steal the copper wire.

Yeah.

Dude, it's Tyler the Creator and the whole cast of Loiter Squad.

And Jon Glaser from Delocated

and Paul Scheer from NSTF:S... or whatever, are in line at the taco bar.

You really dork out over the live action stuff, huh?

-Not a fan? -I'm a purist!

Adult Swim is for adult cartoons!

Keep the live-action stuff on Comedy Central.

Ooh, look! It's Tim and Eric!

-Oh, my God, where? -Nah, it's just two white guys.

-This'll do. -Oh, shit.

Brock's not gonna slit my throat if I take a nap, is he?

Nah, this is neutral hench territory.

Oh, yeah.

That gentleman is decidedly uncircumcised.

Hey, that's my chair. I hung my towel in that chair when the pool opened.

Jesus, man, that suit's so tight,

I can see every hair follicle on your balls.

-Hey, fuckstick. -Oh, my eye!

Fuck!

Hey, someone left perfectly good nachos lying here.

Can you make my junk huge?

You're making my junk huge, right?

Welcome to the Cruise Ship Teen Lounge,

where teenagers can just be teenagers.

Oh, sweet! Let's do whippets and make out!

I call the spooky chick.

Triana isn't property, and I called dibs on her boobs a long time ago.

Ugh, I hope you all die a watery death.

-Wink. -I know, I know.

The sun and sea air can bring out urges

in young people that'll put this whole boat in danger.

But let's focus that horny energy into song.

Here's some sheet music for an acapella version

of the Superjail theme song.

-Suck harder. -I'm sucking!

Well, put your suck muscles into it.

My neighbor Carl's lawn's about to get

the world's biggest penis burned into it.

Hold on. Why are we siphoning gas? I thought you were rich.

Of course, I'm rich. Or my name isn't... Sam Tylenol.

Aw.

You would do this to Alexander Sudafed?

Oh, God! Oh, that hurt!

Could you keep it down? This is my home!

I live in my car...

You're a monster! Why?

I'm tugging a copper wire out of a control box.

Oh! Whoopsie-doodle!

We've lost engines on the right.

Starboard. It has two Rs in it. That's how you remember.

Well, guys, we're doomed.

And fuck, the captain always goes down with the ship.

Best of luck, Cap'n!

Goddamn it,

someone took all the copper wire out of my jet pack!

Hey, you guys want to explain the Starboard one more time?

Ladies and gentlemen, Dethklok.

My ear plugs aren't working!

Poseidon sucks! The Thor of the sea

Wielding his microscopic scepter

Poseidon...

Oh, I can't see jack with these things.

There we go!

Oh, shit!

My God, it's a...

Toonami! Toonami!

The ball is rolling! Quick, after it!

JoBlo Toonami Mami, anime or may not.

Three Busy Debras jumping on the bed!

Whoa, Debra!

Two Busy Debras...

Finally! Vacation! Oh, no! Not you!

Brace yourself!

There really is nothing like a Jet2 holiday!

I'm about to get sick, y'all.

It's okay, y'all. I landed on this... glass.

Uh-oh. That ain't good.

Oh, fuck. Baby's gonna die.

-Who needs a smile? -Sir? Sir, can you pause your screaming?

He's not pausing the screaming. He's still doing it.

That's okay. Have you heard of crush syndrome?

It's when one's body is compressed and suffers impeded blood flow.

All your cells are dying, which releases myoglobin...

-My balls! -...and potassium.

And when we push this statue off you,

they will flood your body, resulting in cardiac arrhythmia and death.

So, you're going to be very, very happy to have the statue off of you,

-but then you'll be dead. -No, thank you.

It's called a smiling death. What do you think of that, sir?

Sir, I need a verbal confirmation. Come on, man.

Uh, yeah, I guess that works.

Ah, there we go. Day saved. Problem solved.

Ah, jeez, do you expect this jury

to believe Adult Swim would wreck its own cruise ship?

Adult Swim has an established pattern of organized mayhem.

Yeah, it didn't look like no bomb, and it didn't sniff like no bomb either,

so there was no other conclusion for us to come to

except that it was a bomb.

If being an idiot was a crime, the whole city would be behind bars.

It's Boston. Everything's a bomb.

Evidence will prove otherwise.

He's got a bomb! Leaps!

The ship's sinking.

This whole place is gonna flood. We need to go up.

When you say up, do you mean down? Because we're upside down.

Oh, Black Jesus, what shall we do?

Just Jesus is fine.

My Heavenly Father will deliver us to safety.

What are you doing?

Leave them, Brock. They're already dead.

-This way. -Brock, just stop.

So, kind of a nepo baby, huh? Weird you didn't go into acting.

Everyone, stay calm.

-You just have to believe the Lord. -Praise the Lord!

I knew the real Jesus was Black. Is that racist?

Where are we going?

Black Jesus, I don't know if you've noticed,

but we're getting uncomfortably close to the top.

-I see that. Oh, shit. -Oh! Why?

Everyone, get back into the water.

-We can't. -I can't get in the water, guys.

Black Jesus, let me out of the water. I'm going to get crushed.

I knew the real Jesus wasn't Black!

The Mike Tyson Mystery Team is here to solve the case of the flipped ship.

You fell for my greatest prank yet!

Eric André, you did this?

Well... my prank was telling you it was a prank.

We're all gonna die.

Michael, of all the ways I thought you'd die,

a Poseidon Adventure ripoff was low on the list.

Oh, Poseidon?

The Greek god of the underwater and domain of all the dolphins?

Yes! But... no, not...

Nobody puts my adopted daughter, Yung Hee, in danger,

even Poseidon, Greek God of the underwater,

domain of all the dolphins!

-But-- -I'm gonna fuck that guy up.

-Which one of you is Poseidon? -You'll have to tickle it out of us.

How are you talking underwater?

I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.

You think I never learned to talk underwater?

We got caught in the same tsunami...

-It was a Toonami. -...that capsized your ship.

Swallowing a little bit too much salt water.

I am Poseidon,

Greek god of the underwater domains

and all the dolphins!

Dethklok mocked me,

so everyone on this Adult Swim cruise is sentenced to die!

I sentence you to a beat-down,

first, for scaring my adopted daughter, Yung Hee,

and second, for making me swallow so much salt water.

Down, Poseidon!

Oh, my God, he hits so hard.

Objection! The judge is presiding over a lawsuit in which he's a plaintiff.

-It's a conflict of interests. -I will allow it.

It's a dead end.

I've still got the mime gun if anybody wants the coward's way out.

One of us will have to dive in and find a way through. But who?

-We should draw straws. -We don't have any straws.

Luckily, I forgot my lady BIC.

-No, thank you. -Fine. Dealer's choice.

I can't...

swim!

Adult Can't Swim! Up top!

R.I.P. Rest in pubes!

Guys, you know, at scout camp,

we used a dead kid as a makeshift oxygen tank.

-If only we had those straws. -Oh, shit!

I had straws, after all.

Stab, stab, stab!

Shuffling all that coal was hard work,

but it was worth it to make it onto the Adult Swim Cruise!

Wait a minute!

I ended up on the public domain cruise?

No!

That ladder's our way out.

I can't jump that far. I got little legs, motherfucker.

I can get you across, but it won't be pretty.

And it won't smell good either.

Okay, we get it. You're farting us across.

Yes, please.

Do it.

Who's next?

I'm already locked and loaded. Amen!

Bad news, Meatwad. I'm all out of gas.

-Hurry, there's no time. -You've got to eat me, man.

Turn me into farts and save yourself.

No, Meatwad!

We'll find another way.

Just fucking eat him, man!

Eat me.

You're the bravest meatball ever.

I'm just curious, how does Assy eat... Oh, no!

Oh, wow.

For Meatwad!

That's our way out. Climb! Climb!

All that work for nothing.

If by nothing, you mean memories that will last a lifetime!

-Look! -Simon, you did it!

We're rich! Rich!

-Not for long, though. -Simon, no-- don't--

Now, son, there's more than enough room on the door for you and the ball.

Simon! Simon!

-Simon! -Oh, no!

No, no, no!

-Don't do it, Simon! -No, no, no, no--

No!

-No, no, no! -No!

Hey Stormy, check this out.

Oh, boy, we're rich.

Ahoy! You guys see a ball of meat? Or-- Or an asshole milkshake in there?

Don't cry, friend. I'll be okay.

-Meatwad, are you dead? -I'm all good.

All farts go to heaven.

Rest in pubes.

Oh, shit.

Yes!

Where did that come from?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this was corporate malfeasance.

The guest list included super-villains and morons.

They booked a musical act known for summoning angry gods of yore.

-Uh, not Jewel. She's lovely. -Lived in her car.

We're asking for justice and one trillion dollars,

or 50 pounds of copper wire, whichever's worth more. Gracias.

The Birdman spins quite a yarn...

of bullshit! Flashback gun!

Forget Jewel.

Did you know that copper wire goes for four dollars a pound?

This guy's a genius!

All right, party people,

nothing says poolside fun like two hours of Beach Boys covers!

I think they'd rather hear the "Poseidon" song!

We love money!

Well, gang, we're doomed.

And fuck, the captain always goes down with the ship.

Best of luck, Cap'n.

Enjoy the jet-pack, sir. Should be a short flight.

But none of that ever happened.

You know, flashbacks never lie.

They never do. They never lie.

-I do. -Looks like Simon wants to testify.

One, two, three, four, five!

My God, he's right. Rewind those flashbacks.

Stop. Right there. Zoom. Enhance.

In each flashback, I've got six fingers. That's...

one extra!

Yeah, it was AI the whole time.

Mike Tyson? But how?

And you know who else has six fingers? Me. No, I mean him.

My hand!

I am the only me, fucker!

Holy snap, it's that AI waiter from the cruise.

Wrong! I'm not a waiter at all!

I'm the new overlord of Adult Swim.

What about Adult Swim president, Michael Ouweleen?

Funny story, I said, "I'm in charge now, Michael Ouweleen,"

and he said, "Over my dead body, robot." And I said, "Cool!"

Why kill all your talent?

Because Adult Swim is just random cheap crap.

AI can do random crap 1,000 faster.

The cruise was the perfect opportunity to get rid of you all.

Except Rick and Morty. You're my babies. I love you, Golden Goose!

Object! Adult Swim was never cheap and crappy.

The creators poured their hearts and souls into every show.

I'll create an original show,

extra original, full of heart, soul,

and limited animation, right now.

But first, I have to drain a small town's entire water supply.

Now, bow your heads and tremble. Behold, my greatest creation!

See? The brand-new original content.

Green light three seasons--

No, no, no! I'm your papa!

-Congrats, everybody. -AI Freak, my man, you saved us all.

You were too beautiful to live.

-Sorry. -Jewel!

My house ran out of gas. You know what I mean, right?

They're closing down the pools

Kids aren't welcome in

No cartoons left for babies

Now, it's all an Adult Swim

Corporations are the people now

And we're all numbers in this land

It's enough to make a woman

Wanna live in her sedan