Original subtitles

Hey, Mom. What you doing?

I'm looking through the Valentines I've gotten from your father over the years.

He was really quite the romantic in his day.

"I like coffee I like tea

I like you I like me"

He was really stuck on us.

Oh, here's something you don't see every day.

What? A Valentine's for Bud?

-Yes. -Oh, wow.

It's never even been opened.

Well, hold it up to the light. See who it's from.

Oh, good idea.

"Bernice Winchester."

I remember this. Bernice gave it to me and I was supposed to give it to Bud.

-When? -Six years ago.

Well, you can just give it to him today, unless he's gotten some new ones.

Well, we'll know soon. I think I hear him checking the mailbox now.

Damn you!

Damn you all!

Damn the whole damned world!

I'll give it to him today.

I take it there's no mail.

Well, actually, you got a Valentine's Day card.

Yeah, right.

Bud, there really is a card here for you.

Really, Mommy? Really?

It's not another one from Grandma?

Or Buck?

What? Dinner?

No? Okay.

Before you open it, there's something I should tell you.

Now, I was supposed to give this to you six years ago, but I forgot.

Well, because quite frankly, you repulsed me.

Come on, it's just a stupid Valentine's card.

It's not like you missed a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

"Dearest Bud, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

My parents won't be home tonight and I need you more than anything.

Please don't stand me up. It would destroy me.

Love, Bernice Winchester."

Kelly...

...do you know who Bernice Winchester is?

Yeah. She's a girl we went to school with who liked you...

...and coincidentally got kicked in the head a lot during soccer.

Not quite, Miss Festival Seating.

For your information, Bernice Winchester is now Crystal Brooks.

Crystal Brooks the pop star?

And she likes our Bud?

I mean, of course she likes our Bud.

Who wouldn't? Bud sizzles.

Well, I'm gonna find Crystal.

I'm gonna find her and tell her I never got her card.

Peg, something weird's going on. Daughters are going wild...

...men are openly weeping and women are storing chocolate in their cheeks.

Is it winter?

Al, do you know what day it is today?

Well, sure I do. It's-- It's our anniversary.

It's Valentine's Day. I take it you got me nothing.

Come on, Peg, I knew it was Valentine's Day.

I got you something right here.

I got you this here dollar.

Now, this dollar is a special dollar, Peg...

...because, if you see, the serial number ends in a...D.

D means "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Day," Peg.

You stink, Al. Stink.

It's the smell of fear, Peg.

Come on, honey. You were so romantic in high school.

Why, just look at this.

"I love your hooters, I love your ass, What say we meet after class?"

I was the silver-tongued devil, wasn't I?

I want you to be like that again.

Well, Peg, I want you to be like that again.

-Oh, never mind. -What's the matter, Peg?

-I want romance. -Well, what is romance?

You figure it out.

That takes me back to the honeymoon.

Don't tell me what's romantic. I know what's romantic.

Kelly, what's romantic?

Daddy, you know. Women like candy and flowers and cards.

Not with some naked fat chick on it going:

"I know it's around here somewhere."

I like that one.

Daddy, it's Valentine's Day. Women like men to be sweet and sensitive.

Whoa, babe, your knobs look huge.

-You ready? -Yes, and don't call me "babe."

Daddy, this is my Valentine's date, Mayhem.

Charmed.

Bye.

Oh, to be young and free.

What the hell? I'm good-looking and kept.

Oh, Jefferson, you Judas.

You knew the beast of all holidays was upon us.

Now where can I go get some Valentine Day crap?

Look, Al, it's 7:30 on Valentine's Day. The malls are picked clean.

-Hey, Mr. D'Arcy. -Hey, Bud.

You tell Kelly I found Crystal Brooks.

She's performing here and she's staying at the Emperor Hotel.

I'm gonna go see her and set things straight.

"Ha, ha, witchy woman. Bite me."

Did you get that?

Yeah. He wants Emperor Crystal to bite him.

Anyway, Al, here's what you better do.

You better get thee to the Valentine store.

Good idea.

What's a Valentine store?

Well, it's a specialty shop that caters to rogue husbands like you.

It's a little more expensive. Their motto is:

"You're so desperate, we don't need a motto."

Well, next time you ought to think and shop ahead like me.

Good day. Good day, my good man.

Would you be so kind as to tell Miss Brooks...

...that Bud Bundy's here at last? Here at last.

Thank God Almighty, he's here at last.

Well, I see someone's Hooked-on-Phonics tape...

...was lost in the mail.

No problem.

You tell Miss Brooks that Bud is here...

...and there's a cool nickel in it for you.

Now what do you say?

Hello again, my good man.

I think perhaps you mistook me...

...for either one of Miss Brook's eager young groupies...

...or something made by Wham-O.

Now, if you'll notice...

...I have here a handwritten card from our Miss Brooks...

...which should prove beyond a doubt, not only do I know her...

...but at one time I could have even boinked her.

Now...

...you have three seconds to announce me.

It's Bud Bundy.

I have here this last box of 12 bite-size assorted chocolates.

The opening bid is $25.

Get a move on, Omar, it's after 9.

In that case, the opening bid is $35.

Thirty-five dollars.

-Do I hear 45? -Forty-five.

-Fifty-five. -Do I hear 65?

Sixty-five.

-Seventy-five! -Do I hear 85?

I'll go--

Sold to the-- Shoe salesman?

-Yes. -For $75.

I won! I won! I bought chocolates for $75. Give me.

Okay, Sasquatch...

...it's checkout time.

Oh, good, they sent a cute one this time.

What?

Oh, for the love of God, no, no!

Help me!

Mommy!

Now serving number 2009.

That's mine.

I'd like one dozen red roses.

One bouquet of wallet breakers.

Okay, sir, now, how do you intend to pay?

Cash, check or deed to your house?

Do you take blood?

What can I get for 50 bucks?

Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.

Well, it's about time you got here. You must walk my Winky.

I'm not your bellhop. You can walk your own Winky.

Pay you $50. Here, Winky. Here, boy.

Whoa, boy!

Winky!

This is a good hotel.

Mommy!

Hi there.

It's me. Bud Bundy.

Well, I guess you don't recognize me...

...because I bulked up a little since the last time you saw me.

Let me refresh your memory.

Six years ago, you sent me a touching Valentine...

...which I never received until today.

Now, I know we can never be lovers.

Look, if it's any consolation at all, I would have come over that night...

...and we would have made beautiful, passionate, hot monkey love.

Crystal, someone's here to see you.

Hi there.

It's me. Bud Bundy.

-I guess you don't recognize me-- -I heard you, Bud.

That was a long time ago. I've moved on.

Well, so have I.

There are plenty of women in my life too.

Just five minutes ago, I had group sex.

Look, I just came to apologize.

I guess there's nothing else to say.

Good luck with your career.

I'm going to college myself...

...unlike people who go to college together.

No chance on that lover thing?

Sorry.

I guess I'll see you, huh?

Don't bother. I'll throw myself out.

Well, right behind you.

Oh, so what if Al forgot Valentine's Day?

He's not an elephant. He's a pig.

Besides, Valentine's Day is degrading.

It's just another commercial holiday made up by Merlin Olsen...

...and the Hershey candy mob to fatten their wallets on our guilt.

It's just disgusting.

-Is Jefferson getting you anything? -If he knows what's good for him.

I would have gotten him something...

...but I seem to have misplaced my credit card.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey.

Oh, Jefferson.

A crystal penguin.

-Yeah. -It's beautiful.

Must have cost a fortune.

Hey, price means nothing to me.

Say, isn't that your credit card?

Why, yes. Oh, this is my lucky day.

Let's go home, honey, because I have a special Valentine treat for you too.

-What's that? -Well, that all depends...

...on whether or not this bird was charged to my credit card.

Marcie, it's not me, it's the voices. They compel me.

Kelly, I thought you were out with Maytag.

Mayhem. He was my 8:00 date.

My real date is Pinworm. He's picking me up at 11.

Well, if he makes bail.

Happy--

What is it?

Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day. Here's your--

Here's your candy.

Here's your card.

And if you get this in the ground by spring, here's your flowers.

Bean sprouts.

Oh, Al, you're wonderful.

You're a little slice of heaven yourself.

-Can I go now, Peg? -Oh, let's go upstairs together.

What? No, wait. We had a deal. No sex.

-That was on Easter. -Well, what's this?

-Valentine's. -Oh, Peg!

Hey, Bud.

What happened with Crystal?

Well, I apologized, she understood...

...and then her bodyguard Skee-Balled me the entire length of the building.

I did, however, meet a lovely woman named Rita.

And I learned something.

In space, no one really can hear you scream.

-Good night. -Bud, I'm really sorry.

If anyone gives me a love note for you again, I promise I'll deliver it. Okay?

You're not saying that because you know I'll never get one?

-Kelly? I'm Crystal Brooks. -Oh, hi.

-Is Bud here? -Yeah, you want me to get him?

No, I've gotta get to my concert.

Howie Mandel opens for me and the crowd hates it when I'm late.

Would you please give him this message?

Tell him to meet me at the hotel after the concert.

-Okay. -Please.

-Don't worry. I will. -If he stands me up this time...

-...he's had it. -Okay. Bye.

-Hey, Bud. -Yeah?

Whoa, babe, your butt looks bitching.

-You ready? -Yeah.

Wait. There's something I was supposed to do.

Oh, my coat.

I would forget my head if it wasn't attached to--

Well, I forgot what it was attached to. Let's go.