Original subtitles

-[chains rattle] -[gasping]

[squeaking]

Flesh.

-To our specimen, a suit of skin. -[Gristle] To us, sculpting clay.

A blank canvas promising infinite aesthetic possibility.

[yelps] Huh?

I ain't no canvas.

Let me out of here. Let me out of here.

[grunting]

Don't touch me. No. No.

Brethren, let the procedure begin.

[Jimmy] No!

[theme music playing]

♪ If there's something strange In your neighborhood ♪

♪ Who you gonna call? ♪

♪ If there's something weird And it don't look good ♪

♪ Who you gonna call? ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ I ain't 'fraid of no ghost ♪

♪ If you're seeing things Running through your head ♪

♪ Who you gonna call? ♪

♪ Ghostbusters ♪

♪ I ain't 'fraid of no ghost ♪

♪ You know busting Makes me feel good ♪

♪ I ain't 'fraid of no ghost ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh! ♪

[whimsical music playing]

[woman on TV] Today's topic on Reader Friendly:

J.N. Kline, famous author of horror novels for children.

Not since Stephen King

has a novelist enjoyed so much wealth and recognition

and dished out so much blood and viscera.

But clearly, Gore sells and his preteen fans are crying for more.

I'm crying for less.

Kline's giving demonology a bad rep.

-I yelps] -His books have no basis in reality.

Hey, busters, any calls?

Tons. That's why we're sitting here not moving.

I think Eduardo's being sarcastic.

Thanks, Roland.

I didn't mean "who you gonna call?" calls.

I meant personal calls, for me.

Specifically, from Hair Raising Tales.

The horror magazine?

The very same one that gave Stephen King

and J.N. Kline their starts.

I am waiting to hear back about my manuscript.

[in unison] Say what?

What? I wrote a story.

Way to go, Garrett.

I didn't realize you had literary ambitions, Hemingway.

Literary? Ha! I have celebrity ambitions.

If Kline could get on Letterman, I can too.

But the fans are restless.

Kline hasn't been seen or heard from in several months.

Has he retired?

Or has he just gone into seclusion

working hard on his next long overdue gore-fest?

Maybe he's dead.

[telephone ringing]

If he won't give his fans what they want, I will.

-Well, is it for me? -It's for all of you.

We've got a Code 7 abduction

by bipedal interdimensional porporials in triplicate.

-[dramatic music playing] -[siren wailing]

So, Garrett, how, uh, reality-based is your story?

I think what Roland's politely fishing for is,

we're in it, right?

Yeah, we're in it, for about a page.

Then we die, squealing for mercy.

We what?

Well, not all of us.

The-- [clears throat] --handsome guy in the wheelchair lives.

What a shock.

Well, it's okay, Garrett. I'm sure you had artistic reasons.

Roland, don't be such a simp.

Hey, don't take it personally, guys.

It's just more commercial with one hero.

Besides, I get to avenge your deaths.

Garrett, you made us squeal for mercy.

I am not a squealer.

[Garrett] Tell you what,

I'll bring you back as ghosts in the sequel.

Promise.

[ominous music playing]

They didn't know I was here.

-[PKE meter beeping] -But they took Jimmy.

He was screaming. Screaming.

Didn't know I was here.

Can you describe them?

They took Jimmy. He just kept screaming.

They took him.

Who took Jimmy?

There were three of them.

One of them had a saw in his skull.

A saw?

-You mean, like a Black and Decker? -[Eduardo] Craniac.

-A what-siac? -What?

Am I the only guy in the room who reads J.N. Kline?

Craniac. He's the mean monster from all the books.

You read J.N. Kline?

You read?

My little brother reads J.N. Kline.

[beeping]

You read kids' books?

Yeah. Well, uh, read them to kids.

Hey, hey, they're gory, you know.

This is reality, not fiction, Eduardo.

I can't help it if he says the dude looks like Craniac.

Please, find Jimmy. He never did anybody harm.

-[eerie music playing] -[wind whipping]

[humming]

[gasps] Oh.

-[Jimmy moans] -[screams]

[growls]

[dramatic music playing]

[gasps]

New flesh.

Be with us.

[Corpuscle] Be one of us.

[screams]

[whimsical music playing]

Don't let her bug you, pachuco.

They may be the brains of this operation

but you and me, we're the butt kickers.

Especially me.

And speaking of you, I didn't know you were such a horror fan.

A lot about me you don't know.

Well, tell me.

As a fan of the genre, did my story rock?

Well, um...

Go on, tell it to me like it is. I can take it.

It stunk bad.

Ah.

[goggles beeping]

If they left ecto-trails, they didn't have much of an afterlife.

Oh, there's gotta be a lead around here somewhere.

[radio crackles]

Kylie, it's Egon. We've got another call.

When it rains, it pours.

Egon, we're in the middle of this investigation.

We can't come back yet.

Don't The call's half a mile up the road from you.

-Coincidence? -Fat chance.

Look, these things are supposed to be scary.

Your story has no jeopardy.

It's just 40 pages of you

blowing away ghosts and chasing skirts.

What's wrong with that?

Hey, Iron Johns, cut the guy talk. We got a call.

Blowing away ghosts, it's what I do.

[dramatic music playing]

[siren wails]

Whoa, déja vu.

Why does that look familiar?

Because we saw it on TV today. It's Kline's mansion.

Woo!

Think it's another coincidence?

[crickets chirping]

[ominous music playing]

[people wailing]

In there. It's horrible.

Guy with a saw in his head?

Yes. How did you know?

Tried to tell you.

[all] Help us. Help us. Help us.

-[Kyle grunts] -[shrieks]

[screams]

-[Jimmy moans] -What? [grunts]

No. That's Jimmy.

He's the guy we're looking for.

Who? Meat Face? You got a concussion, sister?

No, Kylie's right.

That's what they do.

Turn people into freaks and stuff, just like them.

-Who? -You know...

Craniac.

Eduardo, not now.

[Craniac] Who knows my name?

[haunting music playing]

Kline's books have no basis in reality, huh?

My mistake.

Truth or fiction, either way, Craniac is dust.

[tense music playing]

[groans]

"Jeopardy."

I don't think that word's in my vocabulary.

But it blew him up. That's not supposed to happen.

Hey, results is results.

Think again.

[Craniac] You cannot harm us.

Who are those guys?

The big one's Corpuscle. Your buddy's Gristle.

[tense music playing]

[screams]

Jimmy, look at yourself.

Please, Jimmy, don't let it happen to them.

Help me get everyone out of here.

[all screaming] Help. Help us. Help us.

Not what I had in mind.

[proton pack energizing]

[grunting]

[shrieks]

[screams] Don't let him eat my brain.

And he wonders where I get "squealing for mercy."

Tea time. Corpuscle, catch.

My eyes!

Okay, what have we learned?

-Proton beams won't take them down. -Check.

Which means they're not ecto as we know it.

The ghost trap is useless.

If it is not written...

[Gristle and Corpuscle] It cannot be done.

-What do they mean by that? -Beats me.

You're the expert.

That part's not in the books.

I'm going after the hostages.

-Roland. -[Roland] Guys, help. [screams]

Okay, bookworm, answer the $64,000 question.

How are these fictional characters coming to life?

Maybe they're not fictional.

Maybe they've always been around

and Kline just decided to write about them.

-Or maybe they're the Vathek. -[eerie music playing]

The who-thac?

The Vathek.

The Spirit Guide says,

"They're spectral forms who enter the realm of the living

through the act of writing."

You mean a writer channels them into our world by writing about them?

Which explains why we can't nuke them.

If it is not written, it cannot be done.

If the text says they're indestructible...

Then that's what they be. You think Kline's behind it?

I hope so.

Kicking Kline's ghost-loving butt will get me some great publicity.

The clash of the literary titans.

[haunting music plays]

[doorbell rings]

[beeping]

Sounds like an invitation to me.

[eerie music playing]

[growling]

Shh!

I'm a sucker for sucker shots.

No. It's not a Vathek. It's one of their victims.

I know. Gonna suck the evil right out of him.

And if it doesn't work that way?

He blows up real good?

You're quick.

Can we just find Roland, huh?

I mean, before they turn him into a gum head too.

[woman screaming]

Stop!

Stop!

[gasping]

[groaning]

Next.

[Eduardo] Big house. He could be anywhere.

-[ominous music playing] -[typewriter clacking]

[clacking continues]

Like a trail of breadcrumbs.

[gasping]

Kline, stop typing now.

Why are you doing this?

[groans]

Forget about me.

Save your friend.

Roland, the book.

"Craniac resembled a demented butcher

but he didn't see himself that way

for to the Vathek, mutation was a sublime art form."

We know this part. Skip ahead.

"Roland struggled bravely, but helplessly.

The ghostbuster was a moment away from becoming inhuman."

[groans] Jeopardy. Kline knows how to write.

"His screams could not be heard,

sealed as they were within the chamber of unspeakable deeds

deep below the mansion."

-[ominous music playing] -Hurry. If it is written...

We know, we know.

Let's go.

What if it's unwritten?

Kill off those Vathek deadbeats. Write them out of the story.

I can't.

Voices in my head won't stop.

[grunts]

[Corpuscle] Bid your humanity farewell.

Embrace us.

Embrace the Vathek.

Go on, take me.

When my friends find you, they'll make you pay.

They cannot destroy us.

-If it is not written... -It cannot be done.

[Roland groans]

[suspenseful music playing]

I'll just have to rewrite this thing myself.

"Prepare to alter Roland's flesh." Yada-yada-yada...

"The gleaming, exquisite, lethal blade.”

Blade! Backspace, correction. It doesn't say blade.

I'll make it say...

-Egg? -What?

-[Craniac] Intruders. -In the library.

The book must not be unwritten.

"And-- And, uh, they weren't just regular monkeys.

They were rabid monkeys with, uh... tire irons."

[monkeys shrieking]

You will not disrupt him.

He is on a deadline.

Uh-oh.

[yelps]

Kline, listen up.

A 60-ton anvil dropped from the ceiling, crushing the Vathek creeps like bugs.

I'm in trouble.

Roland, you're all right.

I thought maybe you'd be dead.

Yeah. Me too.

[ominous music playing]

Oh, man.

Your flesh is ours.

Write his demise, scribe.

Maybe he doesn't feel like it.

He feels like it.

A scribe is but an instrument of our will.

We are the true authors.

We tell him what to write.

Hurting people wasn't part of the deal.

You said your ideas were fiction.

[Gristle] They were fiction.

[Corpuscle] Until you made us real.

You tricked me into writing you into existence.

[Craniac] You gained from our alliance.

Wealth, fame, success.

And now you will finish our master work so that we may live forever.

Never before has a novel by J.N. Kline ended like this.

Yes.

This time, the Vathek will win.

[Gristle] And the humans lose.

[Craniac] Bow to your masters.

We can't let him finish the book.

[grunts] We've got to destroy the text.

The book will be finished.

[Corpuscle] The book will be done.

And together, we will change the face of humanity.

[minions] The book will be finished. The book will be done.

The book will be finished.

-The book will be done. -[suspenseful music playing]

The book will be finished. The book will be done.

The book will be finished...

I'm gonna finish that book, all right.

[Garrett yells]

[grunts]

I'm gonna finish it my way.

"The handsome, ghost butt-kicker, sat defiant and, uh..."

-And what? -And what?

I don't know. You try being creative under this kind of pressure.

Give it up, Garrett. You stink bad.

[wails]

[music fades]

Thank you for releasing me.

-[groans] -[dramatic music playing]

So, Jimmy, how about those pies?

[music fades]

[Garrett] Another rejection notice.

Hey, I can take it.

What hurts is the success Kline's having with his new book

at my expense.

-I liked it. -So did my little brother.

A somewhat more realistic depiction of demonology than his earlier work.

Oh, you guys just like it because you're all in it.

Yeah. Alive.

-Well, so are you, Garrett. -Yeah.

"The loudmouthed guy in the wheelchair."

-[whimsical music playing] -If it is written, it must be true.

[Craniac] Next.

[haunting music playing]