Original subtitles

(AIR CONDITIONER MOTOR HUMS)

(KITTENS MEOWING)

I'M SO COLD. (BREATHES SHARPLY)

OH MY FUCK, RICKY!

THAT FUCKING AIR CONDITIONER'S OUTTA CONTROL, JULIAN.

WE GOT TO SHUT THE FUCKING THING DOWN!

RICKY! RICKY! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT IN THERE?

BARB: THAT THING IS AN AIR CONDITIONER.

BUBBLES: OH FUCK, IT EVEN FROZE THE DOG!

YOU GOT TO KNOCK THE DOOR IN, JULIAN.

USE YOUR MUSCLES.

DONNY: FUCK OFF WITH THE COCKSUCKIN' NOISE!

DONNY, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!

THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THIS PARK!

(BREAKING DOWN DOOR)

RICKY! GOD!

BARB: OH MY GOD, IT'S FREEZING IN HERE!

BUBBLES: MY GOD, HE'S LIKE A FISH STICK!

WELL WE'VE GOTTA GET HIM OUTTA HERE

AND WARM HIM UP! COME ON!

BUBBLES: WE GOT TO THAW HIM! JULIAN: GRAB HIS ARM!

BUBBLES: WE GOT TO THAW HIM, GET THE HEAT!

GO GET THE HAIRDRYER OUT OF THE SHED.

JULIAN: COME ON!

BUBBLES: GET MY HAIRDRYER!

COME ON, GET HIM OUT!

OH MY GOD, HE'S FROZEN. HE'S FROZEN!

(BREATHES HEAVILY) RICKY!

JULIAN: I CAN'T FIND A PULSE, MAN.

BUBBLES: BLAST HIM WITH THAT THING, BARB.

(HAIRDRYER WHIRS)

JULIAN: RICKY, CAN YOU HEAR US?

JUST WAIT, TURN IT OFF FOR A SECOND.

I THINK HE'S BREATHING THROUGH THE JOINT.

COME ON, RICKY, COME ON.

BARB: OH...

BUBBLES: OH, SHIT.

BUBBLES AND BARB: (RELIEVED BREATHS)

HOLY FUCK, THAT'S GOOD HASH.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

JULIAN: HEY, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM,

HE'S A GODDAMN CAVEMAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKES, BARB.

I THINK IT'S VERY FUNNY THAT YOU GUYS CALL HIM THAT.

I CAME HOME ONE DAY AND ACTUALLY CAUGHT HIM

WITH MY TOLE PAINTS.

HE WAS PAINTING THESE WEIRD LITTLE STICK FIGURES

AND ANIMALS ON THE WALL WITH HIS FINGERS.

SEE, AND YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO HIM

AND LET HIM GET YOU DOWN?

COME ON.

BARB, THERE'S TOO MUCH AT STAKE HERE, OKAY,

YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE UP.

I JUST DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY FOR ONE THING,

AND FOR ANOTHER THING, I CAN'T ASK JIM LAHEY FOR ANY FAVOURS.

THE SALE OF THIS PLACE IS GONNA GIVE ME A NEST EGG

AND I'LL BE ABLE TO GET A LITTLE TRAILER

DOWN IN FLORIDA AND ESCAPE.

LOOK, IF I CAN GET LAHEY ON BOARD WITH THIS ONE PERCENT,

I COULD EASILY RAISE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY SAM OUT.

YOU AND I COULD BE PARTNERS.

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GET THAT KIND OF MONEY, JULIAN?

I CAN'T BE PART OF SOMETHING ILLEGAL.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ILLEGAL STUFF,

MAYBE A LITTLE BIT,

BUT I COULD RAISE MOST OF THE MONEY FROM THIS BAR.

BUBS SAID HE'D KICK IN WHATEVER HE MAKES

OFF THE SHED N BREAKFAST ONCE HE OPENS IT UP.

AND, BARB, (SIGHS)

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS OR NOT,

BUT YOU'RE LIKE A MOTHER TO MOST OF US.

YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE UP ON EVERYONE.

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU AND I TOGETHER, AS PARTNERS,

WE'D BE FUCKING UNSTOPPABLE.

GEORGE: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE HAPPY

KNOWING YOU WERE FIRED AND LOST YOUR FUCKING PENSION

BECAUSE OF THOSE GUYS?

I'M NOT INTERESTED, GEORGE.

EVERY TIME I TRY TO TAKE THOSE GUYS DOWN,

I LOSE.

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING

IS IF WE COULD GET THESE GUYS ON SOMETHING BIG,

I GUARANTEE WE COULD GET OURSELVES REINSTATED

ON THE FORCE.

OR ARE YOU OKAY WITH HAVING "DISHONOURABLY DISCHARGED"

ON YOUR RECORD?

GEORGE... (SLURPS JUICE)

I'M FINALLY IN CONTROL OF MY OWN DESTINY HERE.

JULIAN NEEDS SOMETHING THAT I HAVE,

AND I'M GOING TO USE IT VERY QUIETLY

TO GET WHAT I WANT.

HOW BAD DOES HE NEED IT?

BAD ENOUGH TO START BREAKING THE LAW TO GET IT?

THE TWO OF US, UNDER COVER IN THIS PARK,

WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE, JIM.

WE COULD TAKE THEM DOWN,

AND THEY'D NEVER EVEN SEE IT COMING.

REINSTATED, HUH?

TRINITY: HERE, DAD.

ME AND JACOB ROLLED THESE FOR YOU FROM THAT HASH YOU GAVE ME.

JACOB?

GET SOME REST.

I'LL COME SEE YOU AFTER WORK, 'KAY? LOVE YOU.

LOVE YOU TOO. YOU LOOK NICE, SWEETHEART.

THE THING ABOUT MY DAD IS HE'S BEEN ELECTROCUTED...

(ELECTRICITY BUZZES) WHOA!

(SPARKS CRACKLE)

RICKY: I'M ON FIRE, BOYS! TRINIY: AND SHOT...

RICKY: (GUNSHOT) AH, FUCK!

FUCK! AH, FUCK!

TRINITY: GOT IN CAR ACCIDENTS...

RICKY: SHIT, JUST KEEP DRIVING, WE'LL LOSE 'EM IN THE TREES.

WE JUST THAWED HIM OUT, GAVE HIM A JOINT,

AND HE'S FINE.

JULIAN: ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I GOT A PLAN,

BUT BARB CANNOT KNOW ABOUT THIS.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DIPPING INTO YOUR RETIREMENT FUNDS?

THAT WAY WE CAN BUY OUT SAM AND JUST PAY YOU BACK.

JULIAN: IT'S EASY. RICKY: RIGHT.

IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

WE WOULDN'T GET SHIT FOR MY FUCKING WEED RIGHT NOW,

THE MARKET'S FLOODED. AND BESIDES,

IT'S ALL FROZEN IN MY TRAILER.

JULIAN: WHAT ABOUT OIL? YOU SAID THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY IN OIL.

RICKY: THERE IS, IT'S GREAT MONEY,

BUT IT'S A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS TO MAKE,

AND SEBASTIAN BACH ORDERED A MASON JAR FULL

AND THAT'S GONNA TAKE AT LEAST TWO WEEKS

TO MAKE JUST THAT.

BUBBLES: WELL, RICKY, IF IT'S JUST A TIME THING,

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO STREAMLINE THE PROCESS FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.

I'M PRETTY GOOD AT THAT KIND OF SHIT.

SURE MAN.

JULIAN: THAT'S A GOOD START, BUT IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW,

I'M GONNA DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SAVE THIS PARK,

AND I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU GUYS WERE BOTH ON BOARD

WITH ME, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, MISTER FUCKING GROWLY PANTS.

ALL RIGHT, BUBS, CAN YOU PUT ORANGEY OUT FOR A SUNTAN

FOR A BIT?

A SUNTAN?

RICKY, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT FISH

IN THE DIRECT SUN.

RICKY: YEAH YOU ARE, THAT'S WHAT GIVES THEM THEIR SHINY COAT

AND MAKES THEIR FLIPPERS GROW.

(WHEELS CRUNCH OVER GRAVEL)

(METALLIC CLINK)

(KNOCKING)

LAHEY: JULIAN!

JULIAN: HEY, JIM.

TO WHAT DO I OWE THE PLEASURE

OF THIS WONDERFUL MUSCULAR MACHINE?

HEY, CAN I GET YOU A RUM DRINKY POO?

NO, I'M ON THE WHISKEY NOW, I'M GOOD THANKS.

OH SORRY, JULIAN, I'VE GOT NO WHISKEY LEFT.

HERE, HAVE A SEAT.

HEY, YOU MUST BE HITTING THE GYM LATELY,

YOU'RE LOOKING PRETTY FIT, BUD.

LET'S JUST CUT TO THE CHASE.

WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE TO GET YOUR ONE PERCENT?

OH, JULIAN, THAT ITSY BITSY ONE PERCENT ISN'T FOR SALE.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD I WANT TO PART WITH THAT?

JIM, YOU KNOW WE NEED IT TO BUY OUT SAM, COME ON.

OH, YEAH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

THAT ONE PERCENT IS REALLY, REALLY,

REALLY GONNA BE HARD FOR ME TO PART WITH

BECAUSE YOU KNOW I'M PRETTY SENTIMENTAL ABOUT IT.

BESIDES, I MEAN,

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT KIND OF THING,

I'M, I'M BUSY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH MY RETIREMENT.

HEY, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING YOU COULD HELP ME WITH.

YOU KNOW, YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE HAND,

I GIVE YOU A LITTLE HAND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, BUD?

(SIGHS)

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

WELL...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE COULD BE CREATIVE, JULIAN.

CHEERS, BUD.

(GLASSES CLINK)

WANNA BE MY PARTNER?

I WANT YOUR HELP.

WELL, MAYBE YOU HELP ME,

AND I'LL HELP YOU, JULIAN.

JULIAN: LAHEY'S BEEN TRYING TO FUCK ME OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE,

BUT NOW THAT'S HE'S RETIRED,

I'M HOPING THAT, HEY,

HE MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT TO TRY TO HELP US OUT.

SO, IF THAT MEANS THAT I GOTTA BREAK THE LAW

TO GET HIM THINGS THAT'S GONNA MAKE HIM HAPPY,

THEN I'M GOING TO DO IT. (SOMEONE VOMITS NEARBY)

WOMAN: JULIAN!

YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME, MARVIN.

JULIAN, I KNOW HOW THIS SHIT ALWAYS GOES WITH YOU GUYS.

I MEAN, I'M FINE THAT YOU'RE PARTNERS WITH BARB,

BUT I WANT YOU TO PROMISE ME

THAT WE'RE GONNA DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY

AND KEEP THE ILLEGAL SHIT TO A MINIMUM.

BUBS, I CAN'T PROMISE YOU THAT,

I'VE GOT WAY TOO MUCH SHIT ON THE GO RIGHT NOW, MAN.

THANKS, SWEETIE.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING JAIL.

SO, I MEAN, I DO WANNA BE INVOLVED,

BUT IF I'M GOING TO DO THIS,

I NEED TO BE IN CHARGE TO KEEP THINGS FROM GETTING FUCKY.

THAT'S THE DEAL.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE COOL WITH THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OKAY, BOYS, WELL,

THERE'S ONLY ONE TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

THAT WAS SUPER TUNED AND SUPER SUCCESSFUL,

AND THAT WAS THE A-TEAM.

THAT'S WHAT I WANNA MODEL THIS AFTER.

WE ARE GONNA BE THE V-TEAM:

RICKY, YOU'RE OVER HERE, JULIAN, YOU'RE OVER HERE.

THERE CAN'T BE ANY DIRECT COMMUNICATION

ABOUT ILLEGAL STUFF, IT HAS TO FLOW THROUGH ME,

DOWN HERE AT THE V. THE V-TEAM.

DO YOU GET IT?

I DON'T KNOW MAN. YEAH, YEAH I GUESS,

BUT THAT'S WHY THE A-TEAM WAS PROBABLY SO GOOD, RIGHT.

BECAUSE IT'S...

YOU KNOW, THEY GOT THIS LITTLE SHORTCUT-Y PATH-Y THING

RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE,

SO INSTEAD OF HAVING TO GO UP HERE,

YOU JUST CUT RIGHT ACROSS HERE.

NO, RICKY, THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FUCKING A-TEAM.

I'M JUST USING IT AS AN EXAMPLE.

WE ARE GOING TO BE THE V-TEAM, JUST LIKE THAT.

THAT WAY YOU TWO CAN'T DECIDE TO, YOU KNOW,

DO SOMETHING LIKE STEAL A BUNCH OF FUCKING SHEDS

WHEN YOU HAVE PERFECTLY GOOD MONEY

TO BUY THE FUCKING THINGS.

HAS TO FLOW THROUGH ME. ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, I'M COOL WITH IT.

(SIGHS) YEAH, I GUESS, MAN.

OKAY, BOYS, PUT 'EM IN. THIS IS AWESOME.

LET'S DO THIS AS A TEAM AND BUY THIS PARK!

PUT 'EM IN, RICKY. ONE, TWO, THREE, V-TEAM!

FUCK!

BUBBLES: DID YOU HIT YOURSELF, RICKY?

SOMEBODY DID.

LAHEY: RANDY, I DON'T NEED A GODDAMN DRINKING SCHEDULE.

I'M FINE, BUD.

MR. LAHEY, YOU'RE GONNA SPEND YOUR ENTIRE RETIREMENT

DOWN AT JULIAN'S BAR

DRINKING THAT ROC VODKA EVERY DAY.

YEAH.

I THINK LIQUOR'S THE REASON FOR YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM.

COME ON, MR. LAHEY, JUST GIVE IT A TRY.

CHECK THIS OUT. LOOK.

WEEKDAYS YOU CAN HAVE THREE BEER OR WINE COOLERS,

ON FRIDAY YOU CAN HAVE FOUR OR FIVE,

AND ON SATURDAY, IT'S A FREE FOR ALL,

YOU CAN HAVE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

(WITH A LAUGH) RANDY, I CAN HAVE A FREE...

GENTLEMEN, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD HAVE AN HOUR OFF?

I HAVE THE CHANCE TO WOO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

WITH A SONG I WROTE, AND FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HER.

♪ My eyes capture your soul ♪

♪ So then my hands may touch your body ♪

THE FACT THAT HE WENT AHEAD

AND HIRED AN ASSISTANT SUPERVISOR,

WHILE I'M STILL THE SUPERVISOR, DOESN'T REALLY BOTHER ME.

WHAT DOES GET ME IS THE FACT THAT HE HIRED

THE FIRST PERSON HE INTERVIEWED.

(DERISIVE CHUCKLE)

THE FACT THAT THE GUY'S GOT CHISELLED FEATURES,

A GREAT BODY, SILKY HAIR,

AND WARM BEAUTIFUL VOICE

IS PROBABLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

♪ And I am like the wind ♪

♪ You can blow me anytime ♪

♪ Just take me in your mouth and blow me ♪

(BLOWS INTO HIS PALM)

OH, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, DONALD.

DONALD: THANKS, RANDY.

OF COURSE YOU CAN HAVE AN HOUR OFF.

TAKE TWO, BUDDY.

DONALD: AH, FUCKING FANTASTIC.

UH, RA-RANDY, RANDY.

YEAH, MAYBE I COULD GIVE THIS DRINKING SCHEDULE THING A SHOT.

WHY NOT?

(LIQUID SLOSHES)

RICKY: THAT'S IT, BOYS,

KEEP SLOSHING THE WEED AROUND THE ISOPROPYL.

BREAK THAT SHIT UP. COREY: (GRUNTS) OOPS.

RICKY: COREY, TAKE YOUR FUCKING TIME, YOU STUPID COCKTARD.

BUBBLES: RICKY, BE NICE. WHAT'S NEXT?

WELL, THEN WE RUN THAT MIXTURE THROUGH A CHEESECLOTH,

GET RID OF ALL THE SOLID BULLSHIT.

THEN, WE'VE GOTTA BOIL OFF THE ALCOHOL IN THESE POTS,

AND THAT IS FUCKING DANGEROUS.

GOTTA BE THE EXACT TEMPERATURE.

BUBBLES: BUT THAT'S IT? ONCE IT'S BOILED OFF,

WHAT'S LEFT IS HONEY OIL?

YEAH MAN, THE BEST YOU'LL EVER SMOKE.

BUBBLES: OH MY FUCK!

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, YOU ASS SPRINKLERS,

YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER A LOT NOW.

AND CORY, IF JACOB FUCKS UP, BE REALLY HARD ON HIM.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY HE'S GOING TO LEARN.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU GUYS FOUR STRIKES,

AND THANKS TO THAT LITTLE FUCK UP, COREY,

YOU GUYS HAVE GOT THREE LEFT.

JULIAN: GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK, BOYS.

RICKY: BACK TO WORK? I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING HONEY OIL

FOR THAT ROCK DICK, MAN.

I'LL BE LUCKY TO FINISH ON TIME AS IT IS.

RICKY, IF THIS IS THE WHOLE PROCESS,

I CAN STREAMLINE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS.

COUPLE THINGS FROM THE MALL

AND I COULD HAVE THIS WHOLE THING RUNNING SLICKER

THAN AN OILED UP WHORE AT A FISHING DERBY.

RICKY: GOOD, MAKE IT HAPPEN, THANKS.

JULIAN: WELL, LET'S GO TO THE MALL RIGHT NOW.

PUT YOUR FUCKING PLUNGERS DOWN.

I NEED YOU GUYS TO STEAL ME A VAN, MEET ME AT THE MALL.

COOL.

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

CORY: DUDE, WHAT DO YOU NEED A PLUNGER FOR?

I'M IN CHARGE, I WAS PUT IN CHARGE.

I WAS PUT IN CHARGE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

YOU ALSO GOT A STRIKE AGAINST US.

ALL RIGHT, WELL I'M NOT TRYING TO BLAME ANYONE FOR THAT,

OR ANYTHING, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULDN'T HAVE STUCK THE THING IN THE BUCKET

IF YOU WEREN'T, LIKE... YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

(DEFEATED SIGH)

DONALD: I MERELY SAID TO HER, YOUR HAIR IS LIKE GOLD,

YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF TREASURE.

I LIKE YOUR CHEST.

SHE REMINDED ME OF MY TWIN SISTER.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A TWIN SISTER.

AH YES, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL,

KIND SOUL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

(CAR ENGINE ROARS LOUDLY)

RICKY: HOLY FUCK, RANDY, WHERE'D ALL THE SMOKE COME FROM, BUD?

SMOKE? WHAT SMOKE?

(TIRES SQUEAL LOUDLY)

RANDY: FRIG OFF, RICKY! (COUGHING)

RANDY: (COUGHS) MR. LAHEY TOLD ME I SHOULD LEAVE THOSE GUYS ALONE,

BUT IF RICKY KEEPS FRIGGIN' PUSHING ME-

DONALD: SHHH! SHHH!

LET INNER PEACE THROUGH ALL YOUR SOUL.

KARMA WILL DO THE REST.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

CORY: WHAT'S UP, DUDE?

GOT THE VAN. GOT THE VAN.

BUBBLES: WHERE DID YOU GET THE VAN?

JULIAN: THEY RENTED IT. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?

THERE WAS A DOG IN THE BACK OF THE VAN

JACOB: WHEN WE, UH, RENTED IT.

IT ATTACKED ME BIG TIME.

OH YEAH, RENTAL VAN COMPANIES

ALWAYS KEEP FUCKING ATTACK DOGS IN THE BACK.

JAKE, CORY, YOU GUYS REALLY ARE FUCKIN' DUMBER

THAN STUPID, AREN'T YA?

CORY: OH NO, DUDE, THAT DOG WAS BIG.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? THE WHOLE PACKAGE WAS IN HIS MOUTH.

AND WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING

WHILE THE DOG WAS CHEWING ON HIS TESTICLES?

CORY: I PLAYED DEAD, MAN. WALKED RIGHT PAST ME.

MY BALLS ARE KILLIN' ME GUYS, I THINK I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE, IT'S JUST A LITTLE SCRATCH.

BUBBLES: JESUS!

RICKY: HERE, CORY, TAKE THE HASH COINS,

GO SEE STEVIE IN THE HARDWARE DEPARTMENT

AT THE FUCKING ZELLERS, OKAY?

TELL HIM YOU NEED A RICE COOKER-

TWO RICE COOKERS, TWO RICE COOKERS WE NEED.

TWO RICE COOKERS, A POWER BAR, AND SHOP VAC FILTERS, OKAY?

YEAH. HE'S GONNA TRADE IT FOR HASH.

BUBBLES: CORY, THE COOKERS NEEDS TO BE THE SIXTY-FIVE HUNDRED MODEL

WITH THE BUTTONS ON THE FRONT.

CORY: COOL.

JACOB: IT'S ALL GOOD. RICKY: TRY NOT TO FUCK THAT UP.

BUBBLES: WHAT MODEL NUMBER IS IT, CORY?

CORY: SIXTY-FIVE HUNDRED, I GOT THIS, DUDE.

GOING TO SEE TOMMY RIGHT NOW.

TOMMY'S A GUY, YOU KNOW, I'VE KNOWN SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

WE USED TO CALL HIM "TOMMY BEAN"

'CAUSE HE USED TO CARRY AROUND A BAG OF BENNY'S,

SO, YOU KNOW, HERE COMES TOMMY BEAN

WITH HIS BAG OF BEANS.

ANYWAY, THE ONLY THING I COULD THINK OF TO GET LAHEY

WAS A COUPLE GAMBLING MACHINES 'CAUSE HE LIKES TO GAMBLE.

SO, IF YOU WANNA GET SHIT LIKE THAT,

YOU GO SEE TOMMY BEAN.

NO, BRO, THEY'RE RIGGED UP, RIGHT.

SO THEY PAY OUT 20 PERCENT, I GET 50 PERCENT,

YOU GUYS WALK AWAY WITH 30

FREE AND CLEAR, NICE AND EASY.

FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE A LIFESAVER, TOMMY.

YEAH, BRO, YOU KNOW I'LL HOOK YOU UP.

RICKY: THERE YOU GO, TOM.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

RICKY: THAT'S THREE GRAM FOR THE DEPOSIT FOR THE MACHINES,

MINUS THE THREE HUNDRED BUCKS THAT YOU OWE ME

FOR THE MOROCCAN HASH I GOT YOU IN JAIL.

DUMBASSESS, I SAID IT WAS CASH.

WHO DO I LOOK LIKE, FUCKING JACK CARTIER

AND HIS FUR TRADING POST HERE.

RICKY: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

TOM: FUCKERS! I TOLD YOU CASH!

RICKY: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO, SHOOT US WITH A SLINGSHOT?

TOM: PUT THIS SLING RIGHT UP YOUR ASS MOTHER FUCKER, YOU KNOW IT!

RICKY: THAT'S FUCKING FIVE GRAND WORTH OF HASH,

YOU FUCKING COCK-CHEESE IDIOT!

CALM THE FUCK DOWN, HOME ALONE!

I SEE YOU BACK THERE.

JULIAN: TOMMY, PUT DOWN THE SLINGSHOT.

LISTEN, KEEP THE HASH AS A DEPOSIT,

I'LL HAVE THE MONEY FOR YOU NEXT WEEK, I PROMISE.

JUST PUT IT DOWN, COME ON.

ALL RIGHT.

ONE WEEK.

I'M KEEPING THIS,

AND YOU BETTER HAVE MY FUCKING MONEY,

OR I WILL COME TO THAT BAR

AND RIP THOSE MACHINES OUT MYSELF.

RICKY: THANKS, YOU FUCKING PSYCHO.

COCKSUCKER!

CORY: YO, CHECK IT! RICE COOKER RIGHT THERE.

(GROWLS, VICTORIOUS)

JACOB: WHAT MODEL NUMBER WAS IT AGAIN?

FIFTY-SIX HUNDRED, DUDE, YOU GOT TO BE LISTENING.

DON'T BE SCREWING STUFF UP ON ME NOW.

I'M SORRY, CORY, LET'S JUST HURRY.

I GOT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL OR AT LEAST A DOCTOR.

YEAH. OKAY.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, CHECK IT.

I GOT A GOOD IDEA. IF WE STEAL EVERYTHING WE NEED,

THEN I CAN KEEP THE HASH RICKY GAVE ME,

NO ONE'S GONNA KNOW.

NO WAY, COREY, WE CAN'T FUCK THIS UP.

YOU WERE JUST SAYING THAT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, DUDE,

WE'RE NOT GONNA MESS ANYTHING UP.

I USED TO DO THIS TYPE OF THING WITH TREVOR ALL THE TIME.

LOOK, LET'S JUST DO THE TRADE WITH STEVIE AND LEAVE.

(ANNOYED SIGH)

LISTEN, MAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA WORK WITH ME,

YOU GOT TO TRUST ME.

(SIGHS) FUCK OKAY, SHOW ME WHAT TO DO.

UH... YEAH.

IT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK, DUDE,

THE REVERSE TROJAN.

IT'S LIKE YOU PILE SHIT IN SOMETHING

AND THE YOU ROLL IT ON OUT.

RICKY: WHO THE FUCK PULLS OUT A SLINGSHOT?

BUBBLES: THOSE THINGS ARE FUCKING DANGEROUS, RICKY,

I GOT SCARED.

RICKY, THEY ACTUALLY PULLED IT OFF.

HOLY FUCK, NICE WORK!

BUBBLES: NICE WORK, BOYS, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA FUCK THI-

SECURITY GUARD: HEY! FREEZE!

YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST FOR SHOPLIFTING.

RICKY: JACOB, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?

CORY: OH NO, HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, MAN,

IT WAS LIKE THE THING IN THE...

SECURITY GUARD: NO TALKING, ASSHOLES!

YOU ARE ALL GOING TO JAIL.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LONG, GLORIOUS SUCK

ON MY T-BONE COCKSTICK YOU WANNABE COP PUSSIES.

SECURITY GUARD: DENNIS, UNLOAD!

RICKY: OH YOU MOTHER... FUCK! AHHH!

BUBBLES: (PAINED SCREAMS)

BUBBLES: YOU SON OF A WHORE!

(CACOPHONY OF PAINED SCREAMS AND HOWLS)

(GUNSHOTS POP LOUDLY)

GEORGE: YOU GETTING THIS, JIM?

I'M TELLING YOU, WE SHOULD BE CLOSER.

LAHEY: THAT'S WHAT A DUMB COP WOULD DO, GEORGE.

A SMART COP WOULD KEEP HIS DISTANCE AND BE PATIENT.

I'M RUNNING THIS OPERATION, GEORGE,

BASED PURELY ON SENIORITY.

AND UNTIL THIS-

GEORGE: KEEP FILMING, JIM, INNOCENT BYSTANDERS.

I NEED TO STEP IN.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

RICKY, PUT THE GUN DOWN.

SECURITY GUARD: UH, SUPERVISOR GREEN,

TWO MEN IN THE BACK THERE, SHOPLIFTED AND ARE RESISTING ARREST.

ROCKY: I GAVE THE TWO DUMBEST FUCK SALAMANDER COCKS

THERE AT THE BACK A PIECE OF HASH TO TRADE

TO STEVIE IN THE HARDWARE DEPARTMENT.

WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE STEALING.

YOU'RE LUCKY WE DON'T SUE YOU FOR THIS SHIT. ARGH!

SO WHERE'S THE HASH?

CONSIDER THIS YOUR LUCKY DAY, BOYS.

SECURITY GUARD: SIR... BUBBLES: FUCK OFF, GEORGE.

GEORGE: LISTEN UP, HE'S RIGHT, THEY COULD SUE US.

HOLSTER THE PEPPER SPRAY, WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.

WE'RE LEAVING, COME ON.

RICKY: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED THERE?

WHY IS HE LETTING US GO?

BUBBLES: I DON'T KNOW. IT'S BURNING.

RICKY: IT FEELS BAD BECAUSE THOSE FUCKING DICKHEADS

WITH THE FUCKING PEPPER SPRAY!

GET IN, LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID ASSHOLES.

CORY: GUYS MY EYE, I CAN'T SEE. LIKE I CAN'T SEE.

RCKY: NO TALKING.

BUBBLES: NO TALKING, BOYS, IT'S YOUR FAULT.

RICKY: FUCK!

HEY, JIMMY.

LOOK WHAT I PICKED UP FOR YOU, BUDDY.

(SLOT MACHINE PLAYS MUSIC)

LAHEY: WHOA-HO!

NOW THAT'S BEING CREATIVE, JULIAN.

I AM VERY IMPRESSED.

WE ARE OFF TO A FLYING START HERE, BUD.

NOW YOU KEEP MAKING ME HAPPY

AND I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY I WOULDN'T WANNA HELP YOU OUT

AND MAKE YOU HAPPY.

SO YOU'RE HAPPY THEN? I'M HAPPY, JULES.

ALL RIGHT, JUST AS LONG AS THIS LITTLE ARRANGEMENT THAT WE HAVE

DOESN'T TURN INTO A ONE-WAY STREET,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

JULIAN, WE'RE TWO FRIENDS

WHO'RE JUST TRYING TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT, EH?

WELL, YOU KEEP SCRATCHING MY BACK

AND I'LL BE SURE TO SCRATCH AT LEAST ONE PERCENT OF YOURS.

(SLY CHUCKLE)

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, KEEP PLAYING.

(TOYS CRACK UNDER TIRE)

BUBBLES: JESUS, RICKY, YOU COULD'VE AVOIDED THAT.

JULIAN: WHAT TOOK YOU GUYS SO LONG?

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR EYES?

CORY AND JACOB, THE FUCKING COCK DONKEY TWINS

FUCKED UP BIG TIME.

BUBBLES: WE HAD TO DROP THEM OFF AT THE HOSPITAL.

WE DID MANAGE TO GET ALL THE SHIT I NEED, THOUGH, JULIAN.

NICE!

AND I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS TOO, BOYS.

LAHEY'S GONNA HELP US OUT.

WE'RE ACTUALLY GONNA PULL THIS OFF.

SO UNLOAD THIS SHIT,

AND GET IN HERE AND CELEBRATE WITH ME.

THAT'S FUCKING GREAT NEWS.

WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO CELEBRATE THOUGH,

I WANNA TEST OUT THIS HONEY OIL COOKER.

(CAR HORN HONKS, A MAN SHOUTS ANGRILY)

RICKY: IT'S FUCKING INSANE HOW EASY THIS IS.

NOT BAD, HUH?

BUT THAT'S IT?

PRETTY MUCH. I MEAN, I HAD TO TAKE OUT THE GYRO

THAT CONTROLS THE AUTO SHUT-OFF,

BUT YOU JUST SET HER TO LONG GRAIN,

AND FUCKING GET AT 'ER, RICKY.

THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING.

HEY, BOYS, HOW'D YOU MAKE OUT?

JACOB: NOT GOOD. DOCTOR SAID I MIGHT NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE KIDS.

OH MY GOD.

RICKY: WELL THAT'S ACTUALLY PROBABLY A GOOD THING, JACOB.

BECAUSE WELL, THE BIG REASON IS

YOU'RE DUMB AND YOU DON'T EVEN SEE IT.

EVEN TREVOR KNEW HOW FUCKING DUMB HE WAS,

BUT THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH YOU,

YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE SMART,

WHEN REALLY YOU'RE TWICE AS FUCKING DUMB

AS TREVOR EVER WAS.

BUBBLES: RICKY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

BASICALLY HE JUST SACRIFICED HIS TESTICLES FOR US.

CORY: YEAH, ACTUALLY, WE WERE THINKING THAT MAYBE

BECAUSE HE GOT HIS SHIT FUCKED UP,

YOU COULD FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO GIVE US ANOTHER STRIKE

AND CANCEL OUT THE ONE FROM EARLIER, DUDE.

RICKY, IT'S THE LEAST YOU COULD DO.

AND I'M IN CHARGE NOW. V-TEAM!

RICKY: (SIGHS, RELUCTANT) TWO SMOKES, LET'S GO, JACOB.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

AND YOUR LIGHTER. LET'S GO.

RICKY: ALL RIGHT, BOYS, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU BACK A STRIKE.

I FEEL BAD FOR WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH, JACOB.

CORY: SERIOUS! RICKY: USE IT WIDELY, OKAY?

RICKY: NO MORE FUCKUPS. JACOB: THANKS A LOT, RICKY.

CORY: THANKS, DUDE.

BUBBLES: HA! GOTCHA!

THANKS, RICKY.

HE'S STILL NOT AS DUMB AS TREV.

BUBBLES: (MOCK TICKLING SOUNDS)

(MUSIC BEATS LOUDLY)

(HUM OF LIVELY CHATTER)

WOMAN: OH WELL, HELLO THERE, HANDSOME.

YOU MUST BE DONNA. DON'S TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU.

OH YES, DON, THE SWEETEST BROTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

YES HE IS. PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

DONNA: NICE TO MEET YOU.

MARTINIS!

TRINITY: DRINK?

I'M REAL PROUD OF YOU, MR. LAHEY.

I KNOW IT MUST BE HARD WITH EVERYONE ELSE DRINKING.

NOTHING'S TOO HARD FOR YOU, RANDY.

SUCKING SOUL SON OF A SHITBAG!

PUT IT ON MY TAB, SWEETIE.

YEAH, JUST PUT IT ON HIS THING, TRINITY, THANKS.

(MUSIC PLAYS, PATRONS CHATTER)

JULIAN: HEY, BARB, HOW YOU DOIN'?

HI, HI. HOW DID IT GOT WITH JIM?

GOOD, REALLY GOOD.

I GUESS WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

OH GOOD. LISTEN, I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

I, UM... YOU KNOW I'VE BEEN DOING THIS CRYSTAL THERAPY

TO KIND OF GET MY MOJO BACK.

WELL, THIS IS A, THIS IS A CITRINE CRYSTAL

AND IT, UH, IT HELPS YOU MANIFEST YOUR GOALS.

IT ATTRACTS WEALTH AND, AND PERSONAL POWER,

AND PROSPERITY, AND SUCCESS.

NICE. THANK YOU.

I GUESS WE CAN USE ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET, HUH?

(CAR HORN HONKS OUTSIDE, GUNSHOT POPS, ENGINE REVS)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

(ENGINE RUMBLES)

JESUS CHRIST.

RICKY: WHAT THE FUCK?

RANDY: FRIG OFF, CYRUS.

AS THE NEW SUPERVISOR OF SUNNYVALE TRAILER PARK

I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE NOW OR I'M CALLING THE COPS!

WANT A TASTE OF LEAD, YOU FAT WALRUS PIG MAN?

PUT YOUR GUN AWAY. RICKY, PUT THE GUN DOWN.

I'M TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS HERE, GUYS.

I JUST WANTED YOU TWO PISSPOTS

TO MEET THE FUTURE OWNERS OF THIS FUCKING SHIT HOLE.

OH, IS THAT RIGHT? HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?

ALL'S I GOT TO DO IS SELL A LITTLE BIT

OF THIS HAPPY DUST, WHICH I HAVE A LOT OF,

AND I WILL HAVE THE DOWN PAYMENT TO BUY THIS SHITHOLE,

FLIP IT TO A DEVELOPER,

AND DOUBLE OR TRIPLE MY MONEY.

BRILLIANT PLAN, THERE, CYRUS, YOU DICK.

PROBLEM IS, YOU NEED TO BE A MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER

TO BUY OUT BARB, AND YOU AIN'T THAT GUY.

RICKY: THAT'S A BIG FUCKUP, ISN'T IT, DUMMY?

BUBBLES: (COUGHS) DICKHEADS.

WHAT THE FUCK'S HE TALKING ABOUT, SAMMY?

IT'S THE FIRST I HEARD OF IT. FUCK ME.

BARB: YEAH. WELL, IF YOU'D LEARN TO READ, SAM, YOU'D KNOW

THAT THERE'S A SHOTGUN CLAUSE IN THE PRE-NUP.

BUBBLES: HA HA HA HA! SAM CAN'T READ, EVERYBODY!

WOO!

IF YOU WANT ME TO MAKE THAT A LITTLE BIT CLEARER

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THAT BRIGHT, GUYS?

MR. LAHEY HERE, HE OWNS ONE PERCENT OF THIS TRAILER PARK.

THAT MAKES HIM THE DECIDING FACTOR HERE,

AND HE'S WITH ME AND MY PARTNER HERE.

WHAT THE FUCK, ALREADY?

BARB: YEAH. CYRUS: IS THAT RIGHT, FUCKNUTS?

JULIAN: WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT

BEFORE YOU COME INTO MY PARK TOOTIN' YOUR FRUITY LITTLE HORN

AND SHOOTIN' YOUR LITTLE GUN OFF?

WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS WAYS TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN,

ISN'T THERE? RIGHT.

AND IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS.

WHILE SHE'S BLOWIN' ME!

JULIAN: BRILLIANT.

CYRUS: COME ON, SAM!

BUBBLES: HE'S A WEAPONS GRADE DICKHEAD.

ALL RIGHT, SHOW'S OVER. EVERYBODY BACK IN THE BAR.

JACOB, NEXT ROUND'S ON ME FOR EVERYONE, BUD.

(PATRONS CHEER HAPPILY)

THANK YOU, JULIAN.

DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON SAM'S FACE

WHEN YOU SAID WE WERE PARTNERS?

YEAH, IT WAS AWESOME. (LAUGHS)

MAYBE THIS HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

MAYBE. HA!

JULIAN: LET'S GO GET A DRINK. BARB: LET'S.