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...Kennedy Expressway, a truck overturned in the slow lane...

Along the Stevenson Expressway, the traffic's moving along nicely.

Another shadow traffic update with T.J. Burks in 10 minutes.

You are listening to WRIX,

Chicago's number one news and financial network.

Now, back to Money Matters.

Welcome back. I'm your host, Gil Stewart,

and we're almost out of time here on Money Matters,

but here's a quick wrap-up of the day's biggest stories.

The Dow closing out today at minus 55,

while the NASDAQ was up seven points.

The S&P is down four.

Gold takes a big hit on the floor as the international monetary fund,

unloads 10% of its gold holdings,

causing ripples throughout the banking industry,

continuing the trend in unloading the bulk of its holdings

in favor of better-performing securities.

You've been listening to Money Matters.

I'm Gil Stewart, looking after your money.

It's now 2:00 a.m. and time for...

What's happening? And welcome to The Ladies Man,

the love-line with all the right responses to your romantic queries.

My name is Leon Phelps,

and to those of you that are uninitiated,

I am an expert in the ways of love.

I have made love to many fine ladies,

from the lowliest bus station skank,

to the classiest, most sophisticated,

educated, debutante, high-society,

bus station skank.

But listen. I am doing good, if you were askin'.

I got my Courvoisier cognac right here,

and I'm ready to take your calls.

While I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist or whatever,

I have done it to a lot of ladies,

and that makes me somewhat like a expert.

I have a PhD. in tang,

as it were.

So, if you have a romantic query and you are under the age of 50,

and you're not freaky or disgustin', please give us a call.

My lovely producer, Julie Simmons,

she is over there and she is awaiting with bated breath

to hear what you got to say.

Okay. But you're gonna have to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.

Susan from Oak Park, you have a question for Leon?

He left his clothes at your house.

The phone is lighting up, so let's take a call.

Hey, what's happening? This is Leon Phelps. You got the Ladies' Man.

- Hello, Ladies' Man. - It's a lady.

I'm new to this city, and I don't know too many people.

And I am painfully shy.

Yeah, you sound painfully shy. Listen, this is what you should do.

Go to the bus station or to a bowling alley,

and hang out with no underpants.

- Trust me. It works. - What?

Yeah, you'd be surprised at how many men will approach you.

I know that I would.

Next caller, go ahead. You got the Ladies' Man.

Ladies' Man, lately I've been feeling really confused.

Yeah, that sounds good.

No, it's not good.

I'm in a relationship, but I don't know if he is for real.

How do you know when you're really, truly in love?

Don't worry. When you're really, truly in love,

you will feel it deep down in your pants.

Unless, of course, you're not wearing any pants,

which is not uncommon in my case.

What are you talking about? I asked you about finding true love.

Yeah, that's right. You did.

Well, listen, I hope whatever I said was helpful.

Next caller. You got the Ladies' Man.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put you on hold, okay?

Ladies' Man.

Listen, I don't care what you say. Chlamydia is a soup.

It's my opinion. I can have that if I'd like.

You don't have to argue. I've seen it on the grocery store shelves.

Yes, I know that clam chowder is not a venereal disease.

Don't argue with me about it. I don't care if you are a doctor.

No, no, we promise there won't be any more vulgar material.

You gotta get a thumb and just stick it up in there, you know?

Actually, get two thumbs up in there, you know, like The Fonz.

Like this, "Hey."

There may be some weird smells afterwards,

but don't worry. Just take a shower.

Hey, go ahead, caller. You got the Ladies' Man.

No one knows where Leon came from exactly,

but he started out life on the steps of a majestic mansion.

The master of the house was a great man

who surrounded himself with the world's most beautiful objects.

He had everything he wanted,

except a son.

Young Leon was taken into this world,

and raised as one of their own.

And in that warm family environment,

Leon developed into quite a stylish young man.

He learned everything a bright young kid would wanna know about

stereo systems, and of course, love.

In this magical kingdom,

the king shared everything with him.

Only one thing was off-limits.

But Leon being Leon,

the day finally arrived when the benevolent proprietor

and Leon parted ways.

Poor little Leon was thrown out into the cold,

much like Moses in the days of old.

After that it wasn't easy for the little man,

but he got along.

He always did.

Not because he was smart and not because he was rich,

but because

the ladies loved Leon Phelps.

How did he do it?

Hey, Leon.

Well, I guess you'd better ask the man yourself.

Hey, Lester, how come you tell that story every time we walk into this bar?

I don't know. Maybe there's somebody out there who don't know you.

Yeah, right. It's the same five or six people in this place.

- How'd your show go tonight? - Yeah, good question.

Same old, same old. Leon Phelps is a genius.

Yeah, same old angry calls from our listeners,

and same old threats from the boss.

Yeah, but listen, for every 100 angry calls we get,

there is somebody that I helped.

Ain't that right, Scrap Iron?

Yeah.

Leon single-handedly saved my second and fourth marriage.

That's right. And it was Leon who taught me

I didn't have to be ashamed of my body.

Thank you, Candy. You see, I like to help people.

That is what I do.

You know, I am like Mother Teresa,

but of boning. You see what I'm saying?

Listen, Julie, you are now in the world of Leon Phelps, okay?

Everything will work out. Trust me.

Thank you, Scrap.

And besides that, Julie, you have to learn

that there are more important things in life than work.

- Can I help you? - Martini with lemon.

So, excuse me while Leon Phelps shows you,

how he brings home the bacon.

That's my cue. I'm out of here.

Yeah, I know. It's a heartbreak, ain't it, girlfriend?

I mean, when's it gonna be our turn, right?

You know, you and me are exactly alike. Eerie.

- See you later, Scrap Iron. - Bye, baby.

- Bye, Lester. - Bye, sweetie.

See you tomorrow, Leon.

There goes Julie Simmons.

I bet you're wondering what a nice girl like that is doing in a place like this.

Well, that's exactly what I was wondering one night

about two years ago.

Bourbon, up.

Here, let me help you with that. There you go.

Listen, I was wondering, can I ask you a question?

Was your father a meat burglar?

Here's why I ask. Because it looks like somebody stole two fine hams

and shoved them down the back of your dress.

And then it happened.

She started laughing.

Kept on laughing. I thought she was crazy.

They talked and laughed on into the night.

Leon didn't go home with her, but he took home her business card.

She said she was in radio. Said she wanted to put Leon on the radio.

That was two years ago.

I guess she packed her wedding dress away,

for another day.

Listen, I'm seriously... Lester. Can you just take a break for a second?

I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Leon, I think she gonna be a tough shoe to polish.

Let me give you the play-by-play.

I will probably begin with a very classy first line.

Something like...

Say, sweet thing,

can I buy you a fish sandwich?

And then I will commence to whisper sweet words in her ear.

Something like...

Man, I'd like to take a bite out of your butt.

And then I will close the deal

by giving her a preview of...

The goods.

Hallelujah

The day you pick up that pretty woman,

that's the day I believe a wet bird don't fly at night.

Yeah? Well, get ready to see a wet bird fly at night, my friend.

Say there, sweet thing.

I have a question. Could I...

- Hey, swinger. - Yeah?

I've got an idea.

My husband's away.

Let's go back to my place.

So you don't want a fish sandwich?

Okay, that's cool, I guess.

But listen,

my car doesn't exist, so...

- Shut up. - Yes.

The bus is what we'll be taking.

- Hey! Hey, man! Hey! - I have a bus pass so...

To the left. Yeah. Just like that.

Like that?

- Yeah. - Honey, the front door!

Barney, is that you?

Well, it isn't the Orkin Man.

I'll be right there.

You'll never guess what happened.

I was cleaning up the broom closet,

and it was so stuffed with crap.

So I opened the door,

and it was like...

"Don't open that door, McGee."

'Cause all that stuff,

just came tumbling down all over me.

Cheryl,

- do you have a man in there with you? - No!

Yes. Yes! Yes! Don't stop.

Cheryl?

Don't! Don't... Don't.

Listen, baby, that was cool, but I gotta go.

No!

Wake up!

It is 2:30 in the a.m.,

and you are listenin' to The Ladies' Man.

All right. So, let's take some more calls. Go ahead, caller.

Hello?

Am I on?

Yes, you are. What seems to be your query?

Well, look, I've never called a show like this before,

but I'm in really bad shape.

I was...

I was kind of hoping that you'd help me out.

Well, we'll see what we can do.

So, I came home last night,

and what do you know.

My wife of seven years was in the sack with another guy.

Yeah, that sounds good.

No, it's not good.

I saw the guy.

I saw him running, running down the street.

He had this, like, smiley

tattoo thing on his...

- Well... - Okay, sir, listen.

We're gonna take a break right now.

Okay. We'll be back in a few moments with the answer to our survey,

"What is your favorite hole?"

Thanks for calling.

I don't wanna talk. I just came to pick up my...

Barney!

No! No!

No, no. No!

It's not what you think.

Way to go, Leon.

You really are a class act.

Well, what can I say, baby? The ladies, they love Leon Phelps.

What ladies?

Who are these women?

And why do you feel like you have to sleep with all of them?

Let me see.

Have you ever had sex?

Yes, Leon, I've had sex.

Yes, well, there you go.

- That's delightful. - Yeah.

You know, it's exactly that kind of language

that's gonna get you kicked off the air...

- Mr. Kent. - Yes!

You certainly seem in good spirits today.

I didn't think it showed.

Yeah, I just got a letter from the FCC.

So I suppose you could say I'm full of contentment and cheer.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm sure you're aware

that your smutty-mouthed little friend, Leon Phelps,

has always been a thorn in my side.

He's unprofessional. He drinks on the air.

He has a little sip of cognac now and then, but...

I would have fired him years ago if he wasn't such a...

Such a favorite with the owner of the station.

I don't know what she sees in him.

But I finally decided to go over her head about this,

and straight to the FCC.

And if Leon Phelps is responsible for even one more

tiny little fine,

I get to fire him.

Well, we haven't had a fine in weeks.

Leon's completely cleaned up his act.

Is that a fact?

All right, caller. You got the Ladies' Man.

Yeah, you see, what your problem is,

is that you suffer from,

"Homo-un-erectus."

Which means, basically, is that your wang is "hugeified."

Not by a woman, but by a man.

Well, you never know. I mean, some nights the FCC doesn't even listen.

- Really? - No!

They listen all the time. Probably listening now.

Hey, what's up? Bucky Kent is visiting us in the station. How you doing?

Well, I guess he can't stick around,

but you still got Leon Phelps. I'm sticking it out here.

We gonna take a break. We gonna be right back.

- Leon... - Listen, don't let Bucky get you all upset.

He is just jealous.

Leon, I think he's serious this time.

He said that the radio station won't pay for any more of your fines.

Damn.

Listen, I tell you what I'm gonna do. We only got three minutes left for the show.

I'm just gonna ease my way out.

Okay? Just play a little music. No more phone calls, okay?

And you'll see by tomorrow Bucky Kent will be all cooled down.

You promise?

Julie, come on.

The one person you can trust is Leon Phelps.

Okay.

Kiss me. Kiss me!

Stop it.

What's happening? You got the Ladies' Man,

Leon Phelps here,

and I am looking at a half-empty bottle of Courvoisier,

which means that we are just about out of time.

But before I go, I'd like to leave you with just

one more thought.

This is a little something that I wrote.

And I read,

"What is love?

"What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness?

"Is it not the sweetest flower?

"Does not this flower of love

"have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds?

"Does not the wind love the dirt?

"Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unliking to?

"Are you with someone tonight?

"Do not question your love.

"Take your lover by the hand.

"Release the power within yourself.

"You heard me, release the power.

"Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper.

"Conquer heaven with one intimate caress.

"That's right. Don't be shy.

"Whip out everything you've got,

"and do it in the butt."

By Leon Phelps.

Let's go. Come on.

- Good distance. - Yeah, not bad.

Listen, Julie, I just wanna say,

thank you for sticking up for me.

- Yeah, okay. Leon... - No, listen.

You always stick up for me.

- Yeah, but, Leon... - Julie, listen, face it.

- You're the greatest, you know? - All right.

- Thank you. - And another thing.

No matter what they do to me, they can fire me from their radio station,

they can call me all kinds of names,

they can make me get down on my knees and beg for my job,

but the one thing that they cannot take away,

from sweet Leon,

is his dignity.

So, this is my fabulous yacht.

Or as I like to call it, my personal skanktuary.

I told you before, Leon, it's not a yacht if you get mail there.

It's more like a trailer park of the sea.

Yeah, well, even so,

this is what I like to call the L.A. Forum,

because this is where the magic happens.

And the magic has happened once on that chair that you're touching.

I have performed the magic once in that wastepaper basket.

And you know what? Actually,

I had to get the magic cleaned from out of this curtain.

That was a long shot. Wore me out.

Let's get you into bed, okay?

- Here. - Officer, no.

All right. Come on. Let's see if we can get you into bed.

Watch it.

I'm sorry, Julie.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on. Come on.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay. I know.

Listen, I handle my drink better than today.

- Yeah, I've seen you. I know. - I'm sorry.

- It's okay. - I'm sorry about the firing.

- It's okay. Just lie down. - You deserve better.

It's okay. We're gonna be fine.

You should be with a professional.

Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

No, I'm not.

In fact, I'm looking around this place,

and I can't understand why anyone would ever want to seduce you.

That is why.

You've gotta be kidding.

Pina Colada butt lotion?

Where do you even find this stuff?

Mostly at Kmart and Walmart.

And why do you have a water bed when you live on a boat?

It's because there's more motion in the ocean.

Come on in, baby. The water's fine.

So, Julie?

Are we going to do it?

No, we are not going to do it.

I would hate to see you as an old man, Leon.

You are gonna be one sorry sight.

Where you going?

I'm going home.

The job search starts tomorrow.

Oh, boy.

"Smiley...

"Ass tattoo."

"Victims of the smiling ass."

"Have you seen this ass?"

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

"Welcome to the VSA.

"Victims of the smiling ass.

"We will have our revenge."

Well, let me tell you a little bit about WRQE.

We play all the biggest names in soft rock and light jazz.

Folks like Enya, Yanni, Tesh.

I don't know if you've heard of a little lady who goes by the name

of Miss Celine Dion.

No, who is that?

Well, I have to say I've heard of you,

but I'm not too familiar with your show.

I don't stay up that late anymore.

Yeah.

Do you have a tape I could listen to?

- I'm afraid we don't... - Yeah.

Actually, we do. This should give you a good idea

of what we can bring to your station.

Fantastic.

Let's see what we've got here.

You know, clinically speaking, doing it doggy style has...

There's just some racy stuff in the beginning there,

but you can speed right through it.

All right.

Yeah.

Sounds like the answer for you is doing it doggy style.

Just speed through. Same stuff.

Boy, excuse me. Anyways, doggy style...

You can speed right through that part too.

Yeah, see, you was kicked in the scrotum.

Or as they say in the medical profession, the ball sack.

You can skip through that part.

Well, you know, the scientific name is the Hershey highway.

Speed on through.

Hey. But, Julie, that is the only tape.

The tape is important. There's people looking.

That's not... Don't...

- Miss Simmons? - Yes.

Let's see.

Very nice. Very nice.

Thank you.

And...

Mr. Phelps.

Yeah, that's me.

I'm presently in the process of getting my résumé typed up

over at Kinko's.

- Kinko's. Good people. Nice. - Yeah.

I see under "interests," you've written,

"Debit"?

No, that's, "da butt."

- "Da butt"? - Yeah.

And also I like tennis.

Good, good.

Well, Mr. Phelps, today might be your lucky day.

Yeah, our morning anchor quit, out of the blue.

And we are desperate for someone to fill her old slot.

Well, that's no problem,

'cause I have a lot of experience at filling other people's slots.

Really?

You mean you've filled other people's slots before?

Yeah, this morning.

Fantastic.

You got the job.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, welcome to WPIT radio.

What's happening? And welcome to The Ladies'...

The Lord's Man Show.

So, I understand that you are a nun?

Yes, that's right.

Yeah, that's cool.

And how long have you been nunning it up?

For about 30 years now.

Yeah. Well, congratulations.

That's good. Now, I understand that your work

takes you all around the world, is that right?

Yes, that is correct. In fact, I'll be leaving the country

very soon to assume a missionary position.

I'm sorry. What was that?

I'm going to assume a missionary position,

and I'll probably be holding it for a very long time.

Yeah, well, that's interesting.

So,

where will you be holding this...

- Missionary position? - Yeah.

In Bangkok.

Bangkok. Yeah.

That's cool.

So, why don't we talk about something else?

Bangkok is lovely.

In fact, I'm looking forward to taking it all in.

But it can get a little steamy, you know,

hot and steamy.

Have you ever gone down the Yellow River?

Yeah, once in the '80s, but I did not enjoy it.

What about a missionary position?

Have you ever known the joys of a missionary position?

Yeah, okay.

Here's a story I'm gonna tell you. It goes a little something like this.

I was with these two girls, right?

And so I was doing the twin sisters, right,

and then her mother walks in,

and her mother has a video camera.

So she puts it on the tripod

and she starts to ram it.

It was sort of a missionary position...

Yeah? Well, up yours too.

Well, on to the next one.

Next one? There is no next one.

Well, that's nonsense, Julie. There's that kiddie station up in Wilmette.

Leon, you're gonna have to come to the realization

that we may never work in radio again.

No, listen, Julie. That is where you are wrong.

We'll get out of this mess. Trust me.

Last time I trusted you, you told the city of Chicago to do it in the butt.

Yeah.

Well, there was no way to predict that that was gonna end up so badly.

- But look, it'll be different this time. - Whatever, Leon.

Look, I need to think this whole thing through.

Why don't you just call me when you come back to reality?

Don't you worry, Julie.

I'm a man of action.

I have a plan for this type of thing.

There's only one thing to do.

I must go and have sex

and wait for something to randomly happen.

It'll work out, you'll see.

It will randomly work out!

Score! Score! Score!

Yeah.

Well, I just had sex, and...

U.S. Mail!

There's the random occurrence.

I hate the houseboat guy.

Hey, what's happenin'?

I was bonin' a lady inside.

Say, look at this.

- It's a telegram from Jimmie Walker. - Really?

It says, "Urgent."

"Dear Leon. Stop. The '70s are over. Stop."

Let me see that.

Here's your...

I seem to be dropping all your mail.

I guess I'm a clumsy mailman.

You're a bad mailman.

And this is not from Jimmie Walker.

Let's see here.

Gas bill.

Houseboat bill.

Electrical bill.

What is this?

It's a lady.

"Dearest Leon,

"I know it's been a long..."

"My back pressed against the washing machine..."

"Money..."

This is it!

"Dearest Leon,

"I know it has been a long time since we parted ways

"that fateful night,

"but I still remember the tender moments we spent together.

"The feeling of your skin pressed up against mine.

"The feeling of my back pressed up against the wall of the Laundromat."

"I remember how you said I was your one true love.

"Time has changed nothing.

"I want you even more.

"And I have all the money we'll ever need to make a fresh start."

"Come back to me, Leon.

"I'm waiting for you,

"and I've never stopped thinking of myself

"the way you always used to describe me

"as your very special sweet thing."

You gotta be kidding me.

This is the answer to all your unemployment problems?

- Who is she? - I don't know.

You don't know?

Well, as you can see,

she did not sign her name, so,

I guess she thought I knew who she was.

Cuckoo, cuckoo. Yeah.

Yeah. All I know is that all my problems, they are now solved.

Leon, all your problems will be solved when you get a job like normal people.

Well, how am I supposed to do that? We tried every radio station in town.

Well, not everyone.

I could still pull a favor, hopefully,

over at WAMS

from Cyrus.

Cyrus Cunningham?

Your ex-fiancé?

The one that dumped you?

The one with the three-inch penis?

No, Julie, listen. I can't stand the idea of you

crawling back to that jerk,

just because I got both of us fired.

Listen, baby, the answer to all of our troubles,

is in this rich lady's letter and her money.

Her money. Leon,

this is a love letter, not a lottery ticket.

This is a woman who cared for you,

who you called by a special pet name.

- Who you called... - Hey, sweet thing.

Hi. Can I get some more waffles down here?

Thank you.

I'm sorry. What were you saying, sweet thing?

I'm...

I'm sorry about the door.

Do I have the right place?

I was just...

You're huge.

We know who you are, Barney.

I think you'll be glad that you decided to come.

What is this?

These are people just like you, Barney.

Hi, Barney.

They, too, have had their lives shattered,

by the sight of that man's ass.

I caught this mysterious tattooed guy and my wife going at it,

in July, 1992.

Spring of '89.

December, 1994.

November of '95.

And then April of '96.

And then again in June of '96.

And then twice more on January 15, 1997.

And three more times in the spring of '99,

Arbor Day, Cinco de Mayo and Flag Day.

That's Hal. Don't make any sudden moves around him.

It's all right, man.

What about you? I mean,

what's your story?

It was April,

1990.

I was in training for the U.S. Olympic team.

My sport,

Graeco-Roman wrestling.

My wife and I didn't have a perfect marriage.

Maybe I didn't understand her needs.

But she definitely didn't understand my passion

for wrestling.

She didn't understand why Brian, my wrestling partner,

and I trained constantly.

She didn't understand the thrill any man would feel

after grabbing a big, husky guy like Brian,

and pinning him down to the ground

until he squirms and squeals like a little piglet.

One night,

I went out to train

at Brian's.

I returned home

only to find my wife lying there with a faraway look.

I noticed an open window,

and out of it I saw our man running through the parking lot.

I would've chased after him, but I was...

I was too sore.

From the training.

Of course, the training.

Right. After that, I discovered there were others like me,

and I formed this group.

The point is,

we may not know his name,

but we're on to him.

And one day, he'll slip up.

And when he does, we're gonna be there to nail him,

and cut his balls off!

Okay, sorry. Sorry, everyone.

Maybe we won't actually go that far.

That's yucky.

Well, you don't have to wait for him to slip up.

He already has.

'Cause when he ran out of my apartment...

Look!

He's a circus clown!

Yeah, we already know about the clothes.

He runs out of all of our houses bare-assed, you know.

But the clothes really haven't given us anything.

What?

Damn it!

I mean, there must be some way to catch

this woman's dude.

Gentlemen,

prepare for battle.

Listen up, everybody.

This will be our general area of our search, okay?

Now, years ago I was in the army,

and we spent a lot of time in this area here.

The army, they called it Asia,

but I like to call it freaky-deaky sex world.

Scrap Iron, you're my man.

This will be your area.

I suggest that you stick to the back streets and the whorehouses.

- I'm right on it. - Good.

- Now... - Scrap, Scrap, wait a...

Leon,

this postmark is from Chicago.

Hey!

Let me see that, Lester.

If the lady lives right here in Chicago, that ought to be easy.

I mean, you could find all the women you been with in town, right?

That's a very good question, Candy.

Yes, I can, because I have written the names

of all of my very special sweet ladies down in this, my black book.

Look at that thing.

And in addition to that,

I have made these photocopies for you all to take a look at.

That's for you, Lester.

Do you have any idea who this woman is?

Yes, I do, because when I read this letter,

I hear a voice that I connect to a face.

And because I have what is called 20/20 memory,

that tells me that this is my very special sweet thing.

Leon Phelps.

You miserable, fat-headed jackass.

Theresa!

What the hell are you doing here? I hoped you were dead.

No, I'm not dead. Surprise.

What?

You expect me to let you stick your tongue in my mouth after two years?

Yes, I do.

Courvoisier. Let's have a drink. Come on in, baby.

This is nice.

Leon, why haven't you called me?

Well, this is the thing.

Is that they kept changing all those collect call phone numbers,

so it became really difficult for me to use the telephone.

- Shut it up. - Okay.

Okay, I can't believe this.

I meet you under the stands at a dog track.

You sweet-talk me into leaving.

Next thing you know, I'm busting slobs with you

in a bathroom of a Chuck E. Cheese.

You called me your sweet thing.

Wait a second. It says here that we did it in a Laundromat.

- What? - Yeah.

Didn't you send me this letter about getting together

and sharing your money, love?

Mistakes are sometimes funny.

Listen, I could really use that drink now.

All right, that's nice. I got everything but the glass.

Rot in hell, Leon!

Yes, I heard you the first time.

No, no, no, no. I hope you burn in hell.

Yes, duly noted.

Rotting and burning.

Yes, in hell. I got you.

Your mother looks like Florida Evans, you scrub!

Listen, there's no reason to go there.

You mud duck! Quack on.

Hey, Sandra, it's me, Leon. What's happening?

- Hey, Margie. What's up? It's Leon. - Hi.

- How you doing? Good to see you. - I'm fine.

I'm sorry to interrupt you.

Yeah, I know you gotta go. Listen, did you write this letter?

What?

No? Okay. Then you go. Go on up there.

Hey, have a good time tonight.

Play some Al Green and smack her on the ass.

She likes that.

Hey. How you doin'?

Hey, what's happening, Evelyn? I remember...

That was not a good idea.

What's happening, Chicago?

Ladies, if you are rich and I boned you,

could you please meet me at the nacho cart?

Also, if you are rich and you want to be boned,

would you please meet me at the nacho cart?

- Hey, Lester. - Here we go. Hey!

I stepped in a time machine.

Look at this place. This place is disgusting.

Okay. You don't have to stay long. All right?

Just long enough to meet Leon.

I'm telling you, he's just what your station needs.

- Leon, this is Cyrus. - Cyrus Cunningham.

Yeah, this is the guy that dumped you.

Leon, you're a lot shorter than I expected.

But the hair and the shoes, they help out.

Well, Julie, sweetheart, I said I would meet your friend and I have.

And I wasted a lot of my time in the process.

Obviously, you haven't grown up much since our little mistake.

Look, Cyrus, why don't you just listen for a second?

WAMS has done quite well without the help of rejects

and winos and ditsy women who think that they can run with the big boys.

Listen, if you need a temp job, let me know, okay?

- Gotta go. Love your place. - Hey, listen, don't talk to Julie like that.

Excuse me. What was that, little man?

I said that you don't talk to Julie like that.

Don't push up on me in front of your peeps, okay?

All right? Don't let the smooth taste fool you.

I'm from the streets.

Yeah? Well, I still live in the streets

and will occasionally find myself waking up in the streets.

That's right. That's right.

Gentlemen, there will be no fighting in this bar.

All right, fine.

We can take it outside.

Listen, I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot here.

Why don't we just let bygones be bygones, okay?

Whatever you say, sugar. That's fine with me.

Listen, how about you have a...

I'd like to offer you a pickled pig's feet.

I don't think so.

Come on, Johnny Mathis.

You said you're from the streets, brother.

- Yeah. - Yeah, well...

Julie told me that while they were dating,

there were some things that Cyrus didn't have a taste for.

- Interesting. - Hey, hey, hey.

It ain't no thing, all right? It ain't no thing, okay?

I was raised on pig's feet.

I can eat this. Fine. I can eat it. If this is what you want, fine.

This is what you want me to do?

Just to impress you and the rest of the sunshine band,

I'll eat it. That's fine.

See? I'll eat it here.

Cut it up a little bit and eat it like that. See? There.

Perhaps you thought I'd recoil from your bar food, but...

You want some pickled eggs?

I'd love some pickled eggs. That'd be nice.

Well, one pickled dish at a time, though. Why're we gonna...

Okay, I'll stay for one pickled egg.

Hey, look, everybody! People are actually eating the bar food.

All right, boys. Eat up, boys. Eat up. The food is free.

It disappears.

Pickled egg you want, pickled egg you got.

This ain't the welfare. This is the good stuff.

Hey, how about some prairie oysters?

- Prairie oysters! - Prairie oysters.

They are really good.

Come on. Bring it on. Let's go.

Oh, boy. Look like a chitlin' to me.

- Prairie oysters. - Yeah, look at that.

Yeah, it's fresh.

This is gonna be so good. I haven't had these since yesterday.

It's an acquired taste.

Take your time.

He's an expert.

Good, huh?

Spicy hog balls!

Not the hog balls.

- Not the hog balls! - Spicy hog balls.

Where'd you find these?

Look at that. They got two balls.

And they going right down here.

Yes, indeed. Look at them.

Eat all you want, boys. Eat all you want.

How're you boys doin'?

So is that it?

I've eaten more exotic foods than that.

How about a piece de résistance?

- Back-bottom gristle lumps. - Special of the house.

Practically nobody eats these.

I don't remember seeing those on the menu either.

These are good.

- These are new. The best! - These are good.

- These are mine. - No, no, no. No way. No way!

- They're mine! - Get the hell off of them!

Don't be fighting over gristle lumps. Come on, now.

Yeah. There you go, now. That's a nice one. That's a nice one.

Just some gristle lumps.

Gristle lump you want, gristle lump you got.

I got your gristle lump.

Savor the flavor.

Got some hot sauce to go with that too.

- I did it. - That's right. You sure did.

- I did it. - You did it, all right. I'm proud of you.

I did it. I did it!

I've never seen anything like this in my life.

Boy, you just done ate some shit.

- Some what? - You just ate some human shit.

Human shit? Human shit?

Why would you bottle human shit?

What possible holiday would you bottle human shit for?

That's the funniest idea yet!

- You people are sick! - That's the first time it's ever worked.

We scored so big.

Yeah!

Now, you know that that was our last chance

at a steady paycheck.

But I feel good. I feel real good.

Well, that's good because, listen, there's no way that I was gonna let

that dude disrespect my Julie twice.

So, listen, excuse me.

I will be going to the bathroom to puke up a hog ball.

Gentlemen, we've been waiting for this day for a long time.

Yeah, that's right.

This man, this Ladies' Man,

thought he could take something from us,

- something we hold sacred. - Yeah.

- He tried to take our manhood. - That's right!

- Was he successful? - No!

No, he was not.

Why? Because we're men among men.

- That's right! - Super men!

Yeah!

From this moment on, I declare our supreme manliness!

I feel like this is something really special

Something tells me this is truly grand

I've got a brand-new lease on life now

And it's all because we're gonna get the Ladies' Man

That's right

All at once the search is truly over

Everything is happening as planned

I hope he's naked and good-looking

And it's all because we're gonna get this Ladies' Man

That's right

When we catch him we're gonna cut his balls off

You bet

I don't know what I'm feeling

I never felt like this before

I want to sing from a mountaintop

And let my true heart soar

Yeah!

Come on!

Going up.

I can't believe it's finally over

All of my dreams are near at hand

I'm gonna kill that dirty bastard

The time has come to kill The Ladies' Man

The time has come to kill The Ladies' Man

That's right

His name is Leon Phelps.

I fired him a week ago.

Say, is that a picture of him over there?

Yes. Yes, it is. That's your man. That's Leon Phelps.

Leon Phelps.

Where might we find this Leon Phelps?

You might try his houseboat

or that gin tank called Lester's Lounge.

And when you find him,

tell him to come in and pick up this crap.

- What's this? - Fan mail.

From all the sluts he's been banging for the past couple of years.

A lot of these are from my wife.

- You thought I wrote this? - Yeah, I did.

Sorry, Leon.

I'm not really interested in settling down right now.

You're on in 10 minutes.

Excuse me. I'll just be a minute changing.

This is a nice place.

It looks like you've finally made the big-time.

Yeah, my work is everything to me right now.

That's why I couldn't dream of settling down.

In fact, the only thing that ever compared

to the thrill of my performances

were those wild nights we had together in bed.

Yeah, we did some pretty messed-up junk.

- Hey, Leon. - Yeah?

I've got a crazy idea.

I've got a few minutes before I go on.

Let's have a quickie for old time's sake.

That's not a crazy idea. I like that idea and I will support it.

Let's do it like we used to.

Real nasty!

Listen, maybe it's not a good idea. We don't have the time to do this.

We'll do it real quick. Come on, baby.

You know what Bloopie likes.

Okay, listen, Bloopie?

I'm about to go on. I have to stay in character.

Now, give it to me, you stud.

Okay, listen, take it easy there, Bloopie.

Bloopie's gonna lick you all over your body.

Okay, listen. I don't know.

What the hell.

I can't believe it's finally over

All of my dreams are near at hand

I'm gonna kill that dirty bastard

The time has come to kill The Ladies' Man

The time has come to kill The Ladies' Man

That's right

Yeah.

- Hal, why don't you just... - Yeah.

He's not here, guys.

This stinks.

This stinks, he's not here and this stinks

And we know why he's not here because he's not

He's gone

So, this is where he lives.

Well, tasteful.

- Gentlemen, let's torch it. - Yeah!

Hey.

Let's go!

- Well, we really didn't think that through. - No.

Yeah, that place was full of pleather and cologne.

It was quite a thrill, though, when it went up in flames.

Gentlemen, can I help you?

- A round of beers for my men. - Yeah!

Is there something else I can help you with tonight?

I think there is.

My card.

We're also looking for this man.

His name is Leon Phelps.

- He also goes by "The Ladies' Man." - Yeah.

- You guys friends of his? - You might say that.

We want to kill him.

Well, he doesn't hang out here.

What would you want to kill a guy like that for anyway?

- He's a dangerous thief of hearts. - Yeah.

He seduced my wife.

- He screwed all our women! - Yeah!

So that's why you want to kill Leon Phelps.

- Yeah! - Yeah, that's why we wanna kill him.

And we're going to.

We're going to catch him and cut off his tiny little pecker.

Tiny little pecker?

You're not talking about Leon...

That's him!

Get him!

- See you later! - How does he do it?

He's outsmarted us again.

Lance, his little black book.

Yes.

Yes, this is good.

This is very good!

Well, why is it very good?

It's the book of all of his numbers.

This is not cool. This is unfair.

I did not do anything to deserve this.

My houseboat.

It's my houseboat!

Why?

This is how my uncle taught us to drink tea.

Like this, you put your pinkie up.

- And then to take it to your lip, like this. - Like this?

Julie. Come on in.

Your friend Leon has made some suggestions

pertaining to us and our love life.

I'm so glad you invited Leon here to spend this time with us.

I didn't invite Leon.

As far as I'm concerned, he can stay for as long as he wants.

- I'll drink to that. - I do too.

If you got some Courvoisier, we could pour some of that in here too.

Hey, Julie, when am I gonna see your room?

I am Julie's piano

I am Julie's piano

That's a song I wrote for you.

Look, you got your nice little stuffed animals there.

And look at that nice poster of Rick Astley.

Okay, okay. I told you that it was temporary.

- You don't have to tease me about it. - Yes, I do.

I'd like to remind you, young lady, about the trailer park of the sea line.

Remember that about my houseboat?

Which I don't have anymore.

Man.

You know something, Julie? I'm realizing that my life really sucks.

You know whose fault it is, don't you?

It is the fault of the wang.

I should cut this thing off.

- You're not gonna cut it off. - I know.

That's the craziest thing I've ever thought of.

But I just can't live like this anymore, you know.

I am so tired of being the Ladies' Man.

You know, you were never the Ladies' Man to me.

- Really? - Really.

No, to me, you've always been just plain old Leon Phelps.

A lonely, misguided

idiot.

You know something, Julie?

I think that you

wrote the mystery letter.

Yeah!

Leon, I've never had sex with you, especially not in a Laundromat.

Yeah, that is true.

But you know what? It would...

It would've been really nice if you had written this letter.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

You know, a girl like you, that's what I need.

I don't need some crazy mystery lady.

Well, how could you find a girl like me?

Yeah, how can I find a girl like you?

Well, she'd have to be single.

Yeah. That would be really nice this time.

Yeah.

And she'd have to be attractive.

Yeah, well, you have that.

She'd have to have parents that wouldn't throw you off the porch.

Yeah, that would be really nice.

And she'd have to have known you long enough

to finally realize

what a wonderful person you're capable of being.

Julie, can you do that again?

That's it.

- That is it. - What? What?

Delune.

Delune!

Delune, Delune.

Honey Delune!

Sweet thing is Honey Delune!

That is it!

Oh, my God!

I am rich!

Look out, Chicago! The Ladies' Man is back!

Yes!

Well, there goes Leon Phelps, chasing his dream.

But here's a funny thing about running after a dream.

Sometimes you find what you were dreaming about

was right there in front of you all along.

Hey, Lester, could you just shut up

and give me the number for Honey Delune, please?

Right.

Just thought you could use a little advice.

Okay.

Five, nine...

Hello?

Guess who, sweet thing!

Leon? Leon Phelps?

That's right, baby. It's your Laundromat love machine.

Oh, my God! It is!

So you got my letter, right?

When so much time went by, I just...

I thought...

Well, I thought maybe you didn't want to have anything to do with me.

- I guess that was silly, huh? - Yes, it was.

It was downright stupid, baby.

Listen, ever since we last saw each other,

I have had this aching in my soul.

- You did? - Yeah.

So how about I come over there

and go to town on your money and on your ass?

Leon...

You're gonna have to give me a little bit of time.

What the hell for?

To tie up some loose ends.

Baby?

I want to leave my whole life behind and run away with you.

How does a trip around the world sound for starters?

- Are you paying for it? - Of course.

- Well, that sounds good. - Wonderful.

Come by and pick me up tomorrow night. Okay?

All right. Sure, sweet thing!

Were you talking on the phone just now?

- No, sweetheart. - Good.

- Nice try, my friend. - Hello, Mrs. Delune.

Hi, Brian.

Here comes the pterodactyl. Hope you like it.

- Hey! - Yol!

What's up, Aloysius?

- My main man! - Yeah!

I need some new stuff, man.

Man, I got you covered, baby!

This is all right.

This is the darkest brown you got?

Yeah. That's German chocolate.

- Can't get no deeper than that. - Yeah.

Aloysius,

I think you got a deal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's right.

Player of the year.

You the man now.

Cleaner than a broke-dick dog.

- Hey, Leon! - Yeah, that's right. It's me.

Hey, there, Leon!

- There he is! - Looking good.

- You like that? - I don't believe this.

Custom-made, $100.

- You look like Monkey D. - Thank you very much.

Well, I just got off the phone with my sweet thing.

Yeah?

And she is gonna take me on a trip around the world.

Where're you gonna go, Leon?

Well, basically, around the world, you know.

We'll go to Paris, of course,

and we might go to France.

Acapulco, Sweden, maybe the Solomon Islands. You know.

Well, Leon, you've finally made good.

Yeah, well, that's the way I like to look at it, you know.

When a man works hard all his life and dorks hundreds of ladies,

many of whom he don't even remember,

you'd like to think that at the end of the day

he will be given a lot of money without having to earn it.

I believe that, yes.

So, yes, I think I have found true happiness.

- And I raise my glass. - To happiness.

- To happiness! - Happiness.

Thank you.

That is good Courvoisier.

I would love to stay and have another one, like I usually do,

but I cannot keep the future Mrs. Leon Phelps waiting.

So I bid you adieu.

I'll see you on the other side of the tracks.

- You take care of yourself. - All right, Scrap. I'll see you, man.

Hey, Julie, you made it just in time.

I'm on my way to see the girl of my dreams.

Yeah. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.

Leon Phelps.

Damn!

Baby, what happened to your face?

This is nothing.

It's just one of those Bioré patches, that's all.

Sorry about that.

Listen, I brought you some flowers.

They look and feel plastic, but they smell real.

And also I bought you a box of my favorite Mexican wine.

It's a little heavy.

Well, you've always been so giving.

Why don't you come on in?

I will. You know, this is my house, after all. Right?

I mean, this is my statue, and this is my carpet.

This is my mirror.

That's my urn.

And that is my frieze.

Why don't you go have a seat in the living room,

and I'll fix you something to drink.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Let me see if I... Let me see if I remember...

- Courvoisier... - Courvoisier, yes. That is the drink.

Yeah. This is a nice place you got here.

It's no houseboat, but it's nice.

Can we sell it? Just kiddin'.

My God, look at this. This is a butt-load of cash you got here.

Is this ours?

Well, it's ours now.

Well, that's nice, but listen,

you should, maybe, wanna put that in a safer place,

you know, like a bank or somethin' like that.

Stop talking.

I want you to take me, wild man.

- What, now? - Yes, now.

- My husband won't be back for hours. - What? Your husband?

Yeah. It's really no big deal.

I mean, you might have to kill him, but I don't think it'll come to that.

Well, you better be sure that it is safe,

because I can guarantee if it was not safe,

I would never do something of this nature, you see.

Because over the years,

I have learned to not do unsafe things, you understand?

- Because I have... - Shut up and kiss me.

Okay, listen, this is very nice, but... Okay...

Hey, Macarena

Listen, this is not cool.

You should... Listen, why don't we talk first?

You know, we never get to really...

- We're never gonna catch this guy. - Calm down, Barney.

You've got to take that defeatist attitude and subdue it.

Wrestle it to the ground.

Pin its well-oiled

and musky form down hard.

Let it feel your... Your soft breath on...

On the back of its neck.

I mean...

I mean, you know what I'm trying to get at.

- Yeah. - Sure. You bet.

- Yes! Yes! Yes! - No, no. No.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - No, no, no, no.

Listen, I can't do it.

What?

- I can't do it. It's not workin'. - It looks fine.

No, that is workin'. Yeah.

But listen, I can't do it. Somethin' is wrong.

You see, I...

I know I'm in control of my personal world.

Nothing will ever violate my personal space. That's for sure.

Butterfingers.

Let me just reach down, grab these keys,

and we'll be right inside.

Listen, something is wrong. I can't do this.

- You know, I think that I'm in love. - What?

Yeah, like, you know, when you sent that letter,

all I could think about was the money.

But then when we started to do it,

all I could think about was Julie's face.

And I don't mean like thinkin' about some hot chick

when you're bonin' a skank.

This was sensitive.

Gentlemen, please step into the serenity

of my beautiful foyer.

- All right. - All right.

- Come on. Come on... - Listen...

Listen, honey, I don't think that this is a good idea.

- I'm telling you... - Remember how...

Yeah, I know...

Hi, sweetheart.

- Have you met Leon Phelps? - Yeah, what's happenin'?

Son of a bitch!

Listen, don't say "son of a bitch." That's not nice.

What's wrong with you fellas?

Oh, my God!

- My wife had that? - Yeah, she did.

Come on, fellas. Listen, I can understand you being angry,

but you know, you can't blame the wang.

- That is true. - Well, he's got a point.

I mean, that's a beauty.

Kill him!

- Yeah! - No!

Yeah, you heard what he said. "No!"

I've waited longer for this than anyone.

Gentlemen...

He's mine.

- And he's dead. - Yeah!

Don't drink so much whiskey, girl

It ain't no good for you

You know you're too pretty, girl

You don't know what whiskey can do to you

Talk to her, Lord. Please talk to her

I told you we were a lot alike.

It's all right, baby.

Men are pigs.

The only way to deal with them is booze.

Booze and penicillin.

I swear, I never thought that I could be taken in again

by another insincere man, you know?

Yeah.

Easy. Easy, girl.

That's one rambunctious guzzle you got there.

I drank that one for Leon's one true love.

Rot in hell, Honey Delune.

In hell!

Did you say that woman's name was Honey Delune?

That's what she said.

Well, if that's her name, then Leon is in a whole lot of trouble.

And why is that?

That's the wife of the dude who wants to kill Leon.

Somebody wants to kill Leon?

- My Leon? - Yeah.

Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!

Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!

Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!

Lance! Lance! Lance! Lance!

I am going to wrestle you.

Listen, you really don't have to do this.

You know, I was just saying to your wife Honey,

that, you know, I'm a changed man.

And if I can have the self-control to not bone a lady as fine as she is...

And you know, she can do that amazing thing with her tongue.

I think you know what I'm talking about.

That should be reason enough to let me go.

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

Yes. I'm going to enjoy this.

- Qil? - No, that's all right.

Well, I'm still going to enjoy this.

But definitely not as much.

And that makes me angry.

I am a master of Greco-Roman wrestling.

Yeah!

And I will crush you,

and you will learn a new definition of pain!

- Totally! - Yeah!

Are you sure you don't want just a dab?

It's a lemon essence, and it is delightful.

You'd better take the oil, Leon.

It's pretty rough without the oil.

- No, that's all right. I'm good. - Okay. Suit yourself.

And Lance, dear,

can you kick ass quietly?

10-4, apricot.

Now, Leon Phelps,

- prepare to meet your doom. - Yeah!

Cry havoc, and set free the dogs of war!

Yeah!

- Vengeance is mine! - Yeah!

- You punched me! - Yeah.

That is not wrestling! Hello!

Boss, you want us to let him go now, or...

He's got a gun!

What, are you crazy, round boy?

No, we don't let him go! Get back in there!

This guy's ruined my life!

Get me the bolt cutters.

- This man has stolen our manhood. - Cuckoo!

It's time to take it back.

- Cut his balls off! - Yeah!

Wait a second.

Now, listen. Before you do what you're about to do,

there's something that I want to say, all right?

Now listen. All you men here with wives or girlfriends

or sisters or mothers,

yes, I did sex them up a little bit.

Kill him!

No, wait a second. There's something else I wanna say.

And in most cases, it was really good.

- Kill! - No, hold on!

But listen, I didn't force myself onto your women.

I simply gave them somethin' that you all wasn't givin' them.

- Like Frank. - Yeah?

You, for instance. Hey, your wife, she loves you, man.

- She does? - Yeah, she does.

She always used to call out your name when I was rockin' on top of her.

- She did? - Yeah.

And, Hal.

- Me? - Hal, Hal, Hal.

All your old lady ever wanted from you

was that you spend a little time gettin' her in the mood.

- Really? - Yeah.

And you never did, did you?

- Say it loud. - No.

You see?

And Lance.

Well, Lance, you're clearly gay.

There's nothing really else to say about that.

I think you all know that.

And that's cool.

But you know, you were tryin' to oil me up,

and that's not really cool.

You all need to listen to your ladies.

You need to say to her, "Baby, what is it that you want?"

Or, "Do you want to do it in the butt?

"No? Okay, well, let's move on to somethin' else."

You just need to listen to your lady.

And you see, I know that now,

because I, too, have a woman that I love.

Her name is Julie, and I never listened to her.

I was too busy trying to be Leon Phelps, the Ladies' Man,

instead of Leon Phelps, the man.

- Leon... - Just a second, Julie, I got these...

- Julie! - Leon, that was beautiful.

No, you're not getting off the hook this time, Phelps.

- No, Lance, No! - Lance, Lance.

Nuts! Hal's right.

He's not the problem.

I'm the problem.

And look what it's done to us.

It's turned us crazy!

I'm sorry, Lance. I'm going home.

No!

No!

Lance!

Lance!

Lance!

I'm sorry. That was way too dramatic.

I'm actually with these guys. You're all right in my book.

See you later.

Take care.

Well, there goes Leon Phelps.

His days as the fastest and loosest wang in town may be over,

but it's not the end of his story by a long shot.

In fact, he got...

- Hi. - Hi.

- Let's go. - Yes. Let's.

In fact, Leon got his show back.

His popularity grew and grew

until he was one of the biggest DJs in town.

His face appeared on the nation's most popular brand of hog balls.

Ladies' Man became America's number-one

- radio talk show. - No, it's not you.

Your husband is a little insecure because he's retirin', that's all.

Don't worry. It's a passing thing. Okay, Hillary?

Now, I will see you and Bill this weekend, okay? Bye-bye.

All right. You're listening to The Ladies' Man,

the coast-to-coast love-line

with all the right responses to your romantic queries.

And I think we got time for one more call.

- Hello, Ladies' Man. - Hey, it's a lady.

Well, Ladies' Man, how do you know when you're really, truly in love?

That's a good question.

You know, I can tell you how I felt when I knew I was truly in love.

It happened when I met someone

that made everything that I enjoy in life a little bit more special.

And plus, I felt it in my pants.

Well, that is all the time we have.

Until next time, this has been The Ladies' Man.