Original subtitles

Okay, guys.

Clearly, we're gonna have to control our thoughts in this world.

- Absowutewy. - Good idea.

This reminds me of a movie.

What was the name of that movie?

Bert, focus.

Sorry.

It had that girl in it.

The one who's married to what's-his-name in real life.

Phoebe Cates.

Nope, not Phoebe Cates.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Boy, that was a good movie.

Ah!

The pool scene where she takes her top off.

So hot.

Sexuality exists on a continuum.

True. Wob Wowe's on my continuum.

No, he's not. I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe.

On his pouty wips.

Weird that Kripke's thoughts have a speech impediment.

Okay, okay. We have to figure out where we are

and what we need to do to get where it is we're supposed to go.

What Women Want. Mel Gibson.

Oh, Mel Gibson wasn't married to Phoebe Cates.

No, it's a movie with telepathy.

Like what's happening with us?

Oh!

I'm all alone.

Go ahead, Stuart.

Now, the instructions that came with the device are a message

from whoever's trying to help me.

Wook at me, PhD from Stanford,

and I'm taking orders from a guy who wuns a comic book store.

You wanna be in charge, Kripke?

No, you're doing fine.

I'll just wait for you to fail, then make fun of you.

Thank you.

Now, according to this, the reason we can't restore the prime universe

to its original state

is we're moving laterally, when we should be moving along

a fourth-dimensional axis.

- Time! - Time.

Keeps on slippin' Slippin', slippin'

- Into the future - Into the future

You done?

- Sorry. - Sorry.

Look at my man taking charge.

Look at Denise looking at me taking charge.

All wight, boss man, how do we accomplish this?

So the Leonard-Sheldon thingy was never completed.

- It needs a steering wheel. - A steering wheel?

Not literally, but some kind of control mechanism

to get us back to the time and place before everything went to hell.

Too bad Wadioshack went out of business.

"Wadioshack."

- Hey! - Sorry.

It's hard to not think.

It's like you tell somebody, "Don't think of a pink elephant..."

Pink elephant?

See?

Kripke, where can we find something like this?

I think I can get past the weak chin.

I want his children.

- Seriously? - I wouldn't think it if I didn't mean it.

Aw.

I see what to do here.

We can jewwy-wig something out of a satewwite controwwer.

Mm. Where do we find a satellite controller?

That's easy. Engineering department at Caltech.

Great, then that's where we're going.

"Great, then that's where we're going."

- Real mature. - "Weal mature."

Asshole.

How can I help you?

We're here to see Howard Wolowitz.

He's an aerospace engineer.

One moment.

You smell just like my mother.

I'm sorry?

You heard me.

Please stop thinking.

I don't have a Howard Wolowitz.

- Are you sure? - I'll check again.

I'm not really checking again.

Just trying to be polite.

Nope. No Howard Wolowitz.

Could you give us a minute?

No problem. I'll be here.

Until I drop dead, because I married a drummer,

and this is the only way we have health insurance.

How can Howard not be here?

Maybe he doesn't exist in this universe.

She's right. I can't find Howard Wolowitz anywhere.

Well, keep looking.

Man.

I'd wike to take her home, wip her cwothes off

and finish prematurely, then cwy wike a baby

when she gets in a cab and weaves.

Ew.

Nope. No Howard Wolowitz anywhere.

Well, we're screwed.

Well, we're screwed.

Honey, we heard you.

Honey, we heard you.

Hang on. I found Bernadette Rostenkowski.

Maybe she knows something.

Worth a shot.

Hey.

Hi.

How'd you wike to be, uh, disappointed?

What is wrong with you girls? Come on, pick up your feet.

You're like a bunch of baby hippos.

Die, bitch, die.

You think about your mother with that mind?

I guess she's not a microbiologist in this universe.

Your observation skills are bweathtaking.

- Barry, really? - I think 'em wike I see 'em.

All right, take five, drink some juice, drink some vodka. I don't care.

Can I help you?

You don't know us?

Were we in rehab together? 'Cause a lot of that's a blur.

You're Bernadette Rostenkowski?

That's my maiden name.

My married name is Bernadette Asshole.

Does Mr. Asshole possibly also go by Howard Wolowitz?

Who?

He's an engineer,

wooks wike a garden gnome with a Beatles haircut.

Does he sell coke on the side?

No.

- Then I don't know him. - What happened to you?

I'll tell you what happened, Sasquatch.

I had an alcoholic mother try to live out her dreams

by dressing me up, shoving me in beauty pageants,

feeding me diet pills to keep me skinny,

all so I could become Miss California Quiznos 1999.

- Aw. - Sad.

Quiznos. Yum.

Here I am, teaching pampered little maggots how to tap,

which is pointless,

since the only dancing they're ever gonna do

is on the pole.

- Oh, no. - What?

- Mommy. - Ah, shut your brain holes.

We're sorry to have wasted your time.

Wouldn't be a waste of time if you killed me.

Have a great day.

All right, future eating disorders, let's get back to work.

You know, in a telepathic world, you can talk with your mouth full.

- Tewwific. - Check it out.

In a telepathic world, you can talk with your mouth full.

Yeah, I get it.

- Hey. - Where you guys been?

We need to figure out a way into Caltech.

Sorry, we were having sex.

Stuart.

I was going to think it anyway.

I don't need to hear any more.

It was incredible. I knew everything she wanted.

It was great. No questions, no apologies.

You wouldn't believe what I finally found.

Yeah, you did.

So what's the plan?

It's simple. We break into the engineering department

and steal the components.

Simple, my ass. We can't break in.

And even if we could, we don't know what we're looking for.

And even if we knew, we don't know how to put it together.

And let's say we put it together, we don't know how to operate it.

And even if we figure out how to get in,

what we're looking for, how to put it together,

and how to operate it, we don't know where we're going!

Any questions?

No, I think we're good.

How wong are we gonna keep doing this?

There is no trickewy in a world with tewepathy.

There's gotta be a way.

Bert, think of a card.

Three of Clubs.

Thwee of Cwubs.

Let me try again.

Jack of Hearts?

Bert, stop.

Obviously, we need to find a way to shield our thoughts.

Like Magneto's helmet.

Oh my God, more of your comic book shit.

Somebody kill me.

Oh, I'd love to.

- I wish I could. - I'll hold him down.

Wow. Very nice. Shame on you.

I don't mean literally Magneto's helmet, but some kind of telepathy blocker.

Why don't we meditate?

You know, "Quiet the monkey mind."

- Worth a try. - Okay. Great.

- I'm game. - Why not?

Everybody close your eyes and follow your breath.

In...

Out.

This is dumb. I can't do this.

Two yoga classes and, suddenly, I'm Deepak Chopra...

I haven't had a good bowel movement since the cow world.

All this universe hopping can't be good for my digestion.

It's basically travel, and that's always rough...

I had chili on a hot dog, and I thought, "This is crazy."

But it's not crazy 'cause it's good.

Wike, I know I'm not my thoughts, and I know my basic nature is wove,

and I wove the winen pants with the dwawstwing...

...damned spot! Lady Macbeth. Lady and the Tramp.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am trying not to fart.

- Breathing in... - And...

- My dad used to own a Datsun... - "Fee-fi-fo-fum.

I smell the blood of an Englishman." Where did that come from?

Am I being charged for it?

Oh, shit. I forgot to pick up my dwy cweaning.

All right, let's put a pin in meditating. What else we got?

I don't think this is gonna work.

You got a better way to block our thoughts?

I didn't think so.

One, two, three.

Come on, Eileen

Oh, I swear Well, he means

Ah, come on Let's take off everything...

We were listening to it in the car.

Real earworm.

Oh, I get those all the time.

Dust in the wind

All we are Is dust in the wind

How can I help you?

I'm sure you remember we were here the other day.

I'm on so much medication, I don't remember anything.

Yes, of course. Nice to see you again.

Mm. Anyway, uh, David Saltzberg over at UCLA asked us

to bring this over to the engineering lab.

Up the stairs, down the hall.

Thank you.

Toora, loora, toora Loo-rye-aye

Eileen I'll hum this tune forever

Engineering wab should be down this hall.

You have any idea what we're looking for?

Your basic variable impedance controwwer circuit.

I am so full of shit.

Quick, sing something.

Tall and tan and young...

Young and lovely The girl from Ipanema

- Goes walking and when... - That's enough.

What the fuck?

We gotta go.

Catch their swipstream.

Come on, Eileen

Get out of the way!

Come on, Eileen

- Hey, hey! - Toorah, loora

- Can we talk about this? - Toora, loo-rye-aye

Eileen I'll hum this tune forever

Toora, loora

- Ooh, yum! - Toora, loo-rye-aye

- Who are you? - Who are you?

- Oh, hang on. - One sec.

- Continue. - Okay.

Who are you?

I asked first.

All right, go ahead.

This is gonna take a while.

Yeah.

Are you the me that came to me in the comic book store?

I thought you were the me that came to me in the comic book store.

All wight, all wight. Before we go any further,

I just want to point out, you, sir, are one handsome bwoke.

Right back at you.

We don't have time for this.

We're on a mission to save the universe.

Oh, who isn't?

An alternate version of me told me that I'm the only one who can fix things.

Well, he lied, 'cause ta-da!

We have the device.

So do we.

Well, this is a pickle.

The way I see it, there's a couple of possibilities.

Lay it on me, my brother.

The Stuart from the other universe didn't trust the first Stuart,

so he also sent a Stuart

from another universe on the same mission as a failsafe.

That's clever.

- Or... - Enough talk!

Every minute we waste arguing,

the fabric of reality is at risk of collapse!

Get the device.

Don't make this difficult.

What did you do?

I'm not gonna mess with that guy!

We gotta follow him.

Now what?

I could eat.

Sun is shining In the sky...

No, thank you.

Hit the switch! Hit the switch!

And don't you know

- Here we go! - It's a beautiful new day

Oh, no.

I think you mean, "Oh, neigh."

Hey. Hey.