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# Let me tell you 'bout a place

# Somewhere up a New York way

# Where the people are so gay Twistin' the night away

# Here they have a lot of fun

# Puttin' trouble on the run... #

May the good lord ride all the way.

Godspeed, John Glenn.

Look, Rodney.

Look at the boat.

You'd love to be on that with your daddy, wouldn't you?

And you could have been,

if it weren't for your stupid big brother Del.

That's why he's frightened to come home and face his mummy.

I love Del Boy and I know you do,

but tonight, my little darling,

tonight he ruined your mummy's dream.

DOOR SLAMS

# Well, come on, little baby Let's jump the broomstick... #

Mum, Rodney smells funny again.

I've only got one pair of hands.

Your nan should be here to look after him.

-What you been eating, Rodders? You smell like a rat pie. -Oh, don't say that about him!

He does, though, don't he? Oh, the cavalry's here.

Woo hoo. Anyone home?

Could you change him for us, Vi, or I'm going to be late for work.

-I'm dying for a cup of tea. -Phone the Red Cross.

I'm warning you, one of these days, I'll peel you off a right-hander.

Yeah, well, you'd better learn to fly first.

BABY BABBLING

Oh, God! That's lovely to wake up to, ain't it?

-It's only a shitty nappy. -No, I'm talking about your nan.

18 months ago I walked out of that flat in Deptford to get away from her...and now she's here!

Go back to the flat in Deptford then!

You are one horrible man, Ted Trotter!

How long are you going to keep her on as a baby-sitter?

As long as I've got two jobs to hold down!

I'm part-time at the Ritz cinema and part-time as a domestic help.

You're here all day, Ted, wouldn't hurt you to look after the baby.

You couldn't leave him in charge of a baby! He couldn't keep a weed alive with a watering can.

Look at the time! I've got to go.

Bye-bye, my beautiful boy. Be good for your nanny. Bye, darling.

See you all.

She loves that job of hers, don't she?

EXHALING

I've been working as your charlady for over six months now

and I still don't know how to switch your Hoover on.

GIGGLING

No, but you're very good with that squeegee.

BOTH LAUGHING

EXHALING

Fred, I know you've explained it to me before, but...

Oh, not that again.

I'm sorry, but I can't help worrying.

You're being investigated by the police for a robbery on a jeweller's shop in Margate

and last Christmas you gave me this ring from a jeweller's shop in Margate.

That does not say "Margate".

I might never win the Brain Of Britain contest,

but I know the word "Margate"when I see it.

You're just reading a series of letters.

That's how I was taught.

It doesn't say "Margate", it says "Marjay".

Philippe "Marjay" is a Parisian jewellery designer.

Honestly?

I wouldn't lie to you.

And oi,

that's worth a few bob so don't let Reg see it, he'll pawn it.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

It's your wages. Extra fiver for the baby and you said you wanted to get your hair done, so I'm treating you.

Thanks, but, well, we've sort of established that all I do in this flat is...

not a lot of housework,

so when you throw money down like that it makes me feel like a call-girl.

Joannie, darling,

if you was a Tom

I couldn't afford you.

How is it you can say the most repellent thing and I want to say, "Thank you"?

It's a knack.

All the boys in West London is riding around on these, is all the rage. They call themselves Moods.

-Mods. -Yeah. Take a look, have a ride, I'll do you good deal.

Sir, Madam, you are looking at the best car I got in stock.

This one's got my name on it.

-I prefer Vespas. -How we going to afford them?

-Hire-purchase. Five shillings a month. -Yeah, we'll get 'em on the never-never.

-When do we finally own them? -Never.

LAUGHING

I don't think I've got enough for a deposit.

Me diamond engagement rings!

-Careful, don't tread on them, they're made of glass! -I thought you'd given up on this plan.

-Yeah, you've been engaged, what, three times now? -Four.

Four. And not one of your "fiancees" has come up with the goods.

It'll happen eventually, I've just got to be patient.

Alberto told me, and he's a man of the world.

You know he's trained to be a bullfighter.

And turned into a bullshitter.

Detective Inspector Thomas.

How lovely to see you again.

What's happened to this lot?

-I hope they haven't heard the three-minute warning. -Seems ages since we saw each other,

but it was only a couple of months ago, ain't it?

You remember my assistant?

Of course. How are you, Martin?

It's DC Stanton, Mr Stanton or Sir to you.

Right, I'll have to remember that. Will you remember that?

If I don't it won't be for the want of trying...Martin.

You know it's funny, it's only after we left the station, I remembered

-I used to know your mum. -What?

When you see her again say Freddie Robdal sends his regards.

Ooh, and just say "Stork Margarine". That's all. She'll laugh.

Don't be a prick all your life, Martin, he's winding you up, I've seen your mum.

You seen that film Breakfast With Tiffany's?

We ain't going to see that, are we, it's a birds' film.

All the boys is driving Lambrettas and Vespas

and all the girls they love them so much they say,

"Hey, give me a ride on your Lambretta and you can do what you want."

It's in the film, Audrey Hepburn, I've seen it, I'm Spanish.

I've got a good paint-spray man. If you like, he'll paint the scooter to your own design. I do it for free.

A couple of quid. Not much.

-Sir, Madam, you are looking at the best car... -That reminds me,

I was reading in the paper how much money that film Breakfast At Tiffany's is making.

Millions! So I thought, movies...

that's where the future is, and that's what I'm going to do.

-I'm going to make a film. -You?

-How you going to make a film? -You can do anything if you try hard enough.

And this is going to be the most original film ever.

-What's it about then? -You ready for this?

Pin your lugholes back...

I want you two to pop down to the station.

Are you still on about that robbery in Margate?

That is what I came to see you about, yes.

Because there's been a major development.

You can have the honour, DC Stanton.

-How tall was she? -Look, business, Martin, business!

Sorry, Sir, it's just...

-We have an eyewitness to the robbery. -Really?

-And who might that be? -You don't think we're going to give you details, do you?

At this juncture we're not willing to give you any information about our eyewitness.

Whether it was a man, a woman, old or young, married or single.

Absolutely nothing.

Why have they taken so long in coming forward?

Because him and his wife have just got back from a spell in the rest home...

ENGINE REVVING

But you've got to write a story and words for actors to say.

I know. That's the part that's holding me back.

Hey, Albie, look. Here she is again, the beautiful Barbara.

He's been in love with her for months.

-Yeah, I don't blame him! -PHONE RINGING

Albie, answer the phone for Alberto, he's a busy man.

Yeah, I'm a busy man, answer the phone.

Barbara.

It's lovely to see you again. How are you?

I'm fine, er...

Derek. Remember, we met at that, um...oh, where was it?

I said I'd give you a call but I went and lost your number.

We'll put that straight in a minute. Anyway, it's nice to see you again.

-Yeah, and you. -We spent most of the evening talking about, what is it?

Is it music that you like?

-Art. -That's it, art.

And after we said goodbye I suddenly remembered that I had so much more that I wanted to say about art.

Do you fancy a coffee?

GIGGLING

So, what did this old boy see?

Everything! He first became suspicious when he saw a coach parked in the street.

Very iffy.

They don't allow coaches in the centre of town.

He saw you two break into the jewellers, he saw you come out of the jewellers

and he saw you make good your escape.

-He saw all that, did he? -How many eyes has he got?

- Anyway, we, er... - Wait a minute.

I think you struck a raw nerve when you asked how many eyes has he got.

Come on, Mr Thomas, be honest.

He's only got one eye, hasn't he?

Yeah, all right, fair enough, he has only got one eye, yeah.

But what an eye!

He's got 20/20 vision... Well 10/10 vision, I don't know how these things work.

But he could see!

And how did we make good our escape?

Oh, don't tell me!

In the coach?

BOTH LAUGHING

We escaped in a getaway charabanc!

LAUGHING

Our witness couldn't have seen it any clearer, he lives directly opposite the jewellers.

Why not give them his name and inside leg measurement?

Sorry, sir, I'm just a bit...

-All right, where did she live? -In my flat.

So you've got one eyewitness with one eye.

And you're taking this to the Old Bailey?

Detective Inspector, at the time of the robbery,

we were on a beano along with 40 other day-trippers who will all testify to our innocence.

But you see the jury haven't met our witness yet.

A proud but elderly man who served his country tirelessly.

Lost his eye in an act of bravery beyond the call of duty.

They'll be meeting a true hero, and they'll believe him.

Soon as we get the all-clear from the doctor, he'll be joining us at the identity parade.

And he's going to pick you out.

Martin...

Stork margarine.

-And sounds really good. Do you think your film will get made? -Of course.

Well, my mother works in the motion picture industry so it's only a matter of time.

It's a really artistic film, full of...artistic stuff.

And will you invite me to the film premier?

-Only if you do the new design for my Lambretta. -All right. You've got a deal.

Right, well, I've told you all about me, now it's your turn.

Well, I live in a house on the King's Avenue.

-Really? -My father's a successful businessman

-and my mother stays at home. -Daddy says it's not right for a man's wife to go out to work.

-Yeah, my dad's all for it. -Good for him.

Look, as far as your scooter's concerned, you're going to have to be a bit patient.

See, I'm studying for my A Levels. Did you find them boring?

Oh, what a yawn.

But before then, Daddy's arranged for me to go on an art tour around Europe.

Oh, I wish we could go together. You'd love it.

Yeah. Choker, isn't it? So you won't be able to give my Lambretta the once over for ages?

Sorry. But it's not forever. I'll be back.

Well, I'll wait.

-Really? -I'm a man of great patience.

I'll wait as long as it takes.

How long, roughly, do you think that'll be?

CAR ZOOMING BY

You read too many rubbishy books, watch too many of these soppy films and believe them.

-You even model yourself on famous actresses. -Oh, that's a lie.

That's good news about your Del Boy, isn't it, Mrs Trotter? He's going to make a film.

-Everyone's talking about it. -A film?

-Yeah. He's calling it... What is it now?

Oh, yeah, Dracula On The Moon.

Dracula On The Moon?

I reckon it'll be a blockbuster.

I told Mr Rayner about it just in case it comes to this cinema,

then we can get Del and the local press down for publicity shots.

I'll tell Derek you're a fan, he might pop round and give you an autograph.

No, no need for that, just wish him all the best from me.

Dracula On The Moon?

Well, you know what Del's like, his life's one big fairy tale.

-I don't know where he gets it from. -No, mystery, ain't it?

-Mr Rayner wants to see you. -It's urgent.

Rodney.

Raymond said you wanted to see me, Sir. Is something wrong?

Your eldest son, Desmond?

Derek. What's he done?

I'll tell you exactly what's he's done.

He's only created what I believe to be the best idea for a film I have ever heard.

-What? -Dracula On The Moon.

-It's brilliant! -Is it?

I took the liberty of phoning the British Film, um...Corporation,

and I've told them all about it. Mrs Trotter, they think

-this could be the film of the year. -Really?

-Would you like some gin? -No, thank you.

Oh, this is wonderful. I can't believe it!

Can I use your phone to call my son and give him the good news?

The...the phone's broken.

PHONE RINGING

Ah, they've fixed it.

The Ritz Cinema, this is the manager's office, I'm very busy at the moment, I'll call you back.

Well, dial 999.

Goodbye, Mother.

Now, some years ago I holidayed with my dear mother to Cornwall

and there are areas of Cornwall that I think could act as very believable moonscapes.

So I think we should take a little trip down there and have a look.

You want me to go to Cornwall with you?

As my assistant producer. Just a couple of days.

I've got transport.

You've got a motorcycle combination, so all three of us could go.

You and Derek on the bike and me in the side-car.

-It fell off. -What?

The side-car.

Got loose. Fell off.

No, I can't go. It's not right.

What about your Desmond's film? You'll live the rest of your life

knowing that you're the mother that destroyed her son's future.

I'm a married woman.

Oh, everyone knows that your marriage is just a loveless sham.

Please, Mrs Trotter, Joan... Just an overnight then?

Leave me alone! Take your hands off me!

Look, just...just one kiss, please.

Please don't be offended, but I find you repugnant, Mr Rayner.

Ernie, please. And don't call me repugnant until you get to know me a bit better.

All this rubbish about making a film. You were lying, weren't you?

-I could do it, if you gave me the chance. -Get off me!

THRASHING

This time, I think it was something special just for my benefit. I must find him, and quick.

-I thought she was only here to babysit. -Don't start!

I'm knitting little Rodney a Christening shawl.

Oh, thanks, Vi. Lovely.

-What's his granddad bought him? -Her and Reggie understand

I've got no money, because I was thrown out me own home by my wife.

And after all I'd done for her.

What have you ever done for me?

I put a bell on your bike once.

And it was just like you. Never worked.

-Pity it weren't the brakes. -Has he told you why I chucked him out?

Violet, don't start with all that.

-Yeah, leave it, Mum. I don't want to know. -He had an affair.

Oh, it was a long time ago but I only found out last year.

-It was during the war, weren't it? -You're going to miss your bus.

You know that Alice Ball? Married to Arthur, the road-sweeper?

They've got that soppy grandson, Trigger.

-Trigger's Nan? -It weren't an affair. We just kept each other company.

Yeah, under three blankets and an eiderdown.

I mean, she had a bit of an excuse, because her old man was in France being shot at.

And I had an excuse because you weren't.

I don't know what you saw in her.

Her teeth looked like an earthquake in a graveyard.

And that weren't a beauty spot on her chin, it was a wart she covered in mascara.

When I put that bell on her bike, I was the nicest fella on earth.

Then I have a little fling and suddenly I'm the bloke who shot Bambi's mum.

# I only know I'm lonely #

He's a funny one, that one.

Somebody said he lives with a divorced woman.

Yeah, his mum.

I've heard rumours about him. Olive Littlewood worked at the Ritz.

She said he's one of them blokes that likes to touch.

-She said his favourite was Joannie Trotter. -Never!

It's true. Most of the other girls either walk out or give him a slosh across the chops,

but Joannie, she has to let him get away with it.

-Because she can't afford to lose the wages. -And Ernie knows it.

His grubby little fingers are all over her at every opportunity.

- When you're ready, love. - Yes, darling.

#I don't know why #

# I love you Lord I do #

TAKING DEEP BREATH IN

# I'm just a lonely boy Lonely and blue... #

Look at his face. What a dick.

I hate to say this, Del Boy, but you're making a fool of yourself

mooning over this little bird Barbara.

She's off travelling round Europe getting chatted up by all them Italian and French boys.

Everyone's laughing behind your back.

Yeah, she'll be back, then I'll be out parading with her

and that'll wipe the smile off their faces.

-I don't know what he sees in her. -Maybe it's her terrific figure and that lovely face.

-Or that great pair of cupcakes. -Legs to kill for

and an 'Arris from heaven.

Yeah. Scrape all that away, and what has she got?

-A rich dad? -And, as usual, Trigger has hit it right on the noggin.

I'm being true and faithful to Barbara,

which isn't easy when you've got my sort of hormones and you're so attractive to women.

For all the reasons you've just mentioned, and don't talk about Barbara's arse. Well...

at least not in public. But there is another reason.

Barbara loves my film idea, and Barbara's dad

is a very successful businessman who might bankroll the making of my film.

-Dracula On The Moon? -ALL TALK AT ONCE

Oi, you. What do you think you're doing?

-Wotcher, Ernie. -How do you know my name?

Oh, I know a lot about you.

Like how you like to play games with girls.

-Who are you? -I'm the last bloke in the world you want to meet.

Righto, cocker, let's have some fun.

So he's going to put up all the capital?

Yeah. Well, he hasn't said as much. I ain't even met him yet,

but Barbara reckons he will, if I make a good impression on him.

-That's the end of that then. -I knew it was too good to be true.

-I was looking forward to that. -He couldn't make an impression on wet sand.

I could make a good impression!

You wait. This time next year I'll be in Hollywood.

-Or Colliers Wood. -Or Brentwood.

-Or Cricklewood. -Or Clapham.

SONG STARTS

# Now when I was a lad

# And old Shep was a pup... #

Long as you keep yourself fit, you've nothing to fear in this world.

But having said that, health is no protection.

Detective Inspector Thomas, how nice to see you again, Sir.

A drink on the house?

No thank you, on duty. Frederick Robdal,

I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

Anything you say will be... Well, you know this bit better than me.

Shall I cuff him, Sir?

No, you're all right.

Don, get that lady another gin and orange and buy everyone else a drink with what's left.

Cheers, Fred.

Shall we take your car or mine?

-What's happening? -Oh, you have missed a treat.

It looks like they're going to hang Freddie the Frog.

I'm taking the baby home.

Oh, not too tight, Mr Pierpoint.

CHUCKLING

I won't keep you hanging around!

LAUGHING

-I captured the other one, sir. -Well, done, Sergeant.

Captured me?

I was sitting in me mum's kitchen eating a dripping sandwich.

Any violence, sergeant?

There was a bit of a tussle, Sir, yes.

-Blows were exchanged but I managed to subdue her. -Good man.

-Who are we supposed to have murdered? -Cock Robin's my guess.

You know full well who you've murdered.

Does the name Eric Poulton ring any bells?

Mr Poulton is... Well, he was a senior denizen of Margate, Kent.

Also the sole eyewitness to the robbery at the jewellery shop.

He's disappeared. Vanished off the face of the earth.

Yeah, so DC Stanton and I, we took a drive down there.

Made a few local enquiries.

Many of his neighbours said that they saw him talking to two men at the front door.

Earlier that evening, the same two men were asking questions in a local pub.

One was tall and slim, the other was shorter and stockier.

They both spoke with Cockney accents.

Thank God. That's Laurel and Hardy off the hook.

If you don't wise up, as Jimmy Cagney says,

you're both going to hang.

-How did he die? -We haven't found his body...yet.

Always a drawback in a murder enquiry, eh?

You'd better have a long hard think.

All right, Mr Thomas.

You'll get it out of us in the end, so we might as well come clean.

A confession!

I love a confession, me. Better than sex.

Then again, with my wife, so was pilchards on toast.

Well, come on, spit it out.

It was us. We went to his house.

But we didn't break in. We were invited in.

He seemed eager to talk.

He wasn't what we expected.

The way you described it, we thought he'd lost an eye in the war,

but he didn't. It was a gang fight in Soho.

Eric wasn't part of a gang.

He was one of the police officers trying to break it up.

But you knew that, didn't you, Mr Thomas?

Because Eric Poulton was the desk sergeant at your first station after you finished training.

He's got a picture of you and him and some of the lads at the police Christmas party.

I bet you couldn't believe your luck when you realised your old oppo,

Eric Poulton, lived in the house opposite the jeweller's shop.

And of course Eric couldn't believe his luck when you two asked him to tell a few white lies

for a share of the reward money.

Tell me one thing.

-Is he dead? -No.

Damn.

He's in Spain with his missus.

Flew out about a week ago.

It was our treat. Well, old hero like that.

But he said he'd come back and testify at court if you wanted him to.

He's not worried now because he'll be telling the truth.

But it's not the truth that you and Marty want to hear, is it?

Shall I phone him?

No, no, no, we don't want to ruin good old Eric's holiday, do we?

No, and we don't want good old Eric testifying to ruin your career.

So...

-is this over, Mr Thomas? -Yeah. Yeah, case is closed.

File it under F.

Right, I'm going to the little boys' room,

shake hands with the unemployed, and then we're going to celebrate.

Will you join us?

No? Well, never mind.

Actually, Fred, there was one thing.

Perhaps you can help me with this.

Is this part of the Margate jewellery heist?

It was the wording made me suspicious.

Well, you're a born detective, ain't you?

Found it in a local pawnbroker's.

Do you know a family called the Trotters?

Vaguely.

One of them pawned it, got a few quid for it.

Reg, you stupid...

Name of Joan... Joan, Joan Mavis Trotter, yes, do you know her?

No.

Oh, that's strange, because I made some enquiries earlier

and I was told you knew her... rather well.

Er, Martin, go and get me a sausage sandwich, would you?

Canteen's closed, Sir.

Well, then go outside and count cars.

-You and me, all right? -Mm.

Okay...

I'm having an affair with her.

Oh. I was just told that she was your char lady.

Shagging the domestics, not to be recommended, Fred.

Anyway, I'll send a car round, pull her in, see what she's got to say for herself.

She's innocent.

I do believe you're trying to protect her.

Look, it doesn't bother me, either of you will do.

You want to put your hands up to something, I won't make it too hard for you.

Long as I get a successful nick.

Am I still entitled to my customary phone call?

Help yourself.

I was never really like you, Fred.

-I mean, you've got a reputation with the fairer sex. -FRED DIALS PHONE

Well, I have as well, but not the one I wanted.

Poor libido, very poor.

Occasionally, I'd manage something that passed as passion, but a lot of women mistook it for a fit.

So...this has been my lot for the last 20 years,

police stations that smell of onions,

barristers' dandruff,

hung juries and a lazy lob.

PHONE RINGING

-Hello. -Why did you pawn the ring?

-I'm going to get it back in a couple of weeks. -Why did you pawn the ring?

My son wanted to buy a Lambretta.

He'll pay me back soon. Are they going to hang you?

No, but after I get my hands on you, they might.

So...what am I pleading guilty to?

DOOR OPENING

Mr Rayner is back from sick leave.

Come in, Sir, take it easy.

Mrs Trotter, Miss Turpin.

-Good morning, Sir. -How are the hands now?

Still sore.

So what happened? You just fell off your bike?

I cannot recall anything that occurred on that evening, it is all a complete blank.

You were very unlucky, I mean to break every finger and both thumbs falling off your bike.

Work to be done!

I will be in the office by Mr Rayner's side

to pick up the phone for him, open letters and sign paperwork et cetera.

Until his bones have healed, I will be his hands.

-You might have your work cut out there, Raymond. -Raymond!

You'd better hurry, he might want to go to the toilet.

Raymond!

GIGGLING

-I've got something to tell you. -Oh, that sounds ominous.

You're my best friend, Reen, so if I tell you something secret, do you promise to keep it to yourself?

-Of course. Is it something dirty? -No!

-And I want you to do me a big favour. -All right.

You don't know what it is yet.

Right, here goes.

You know Freddie Robdal?

You and Freddie Robdal?

Have you gone completely off your rocker?

He's dangerous!

- Or is that what you like about him- he's a bad boy? - I don't know.

- And I don't like him. - Oh...

I love him.

You've done some nutty things in your time, but this beats them all.

- And he loves me. - Joan.

That's just what men say till they get their way.

No, it's different with Fred.

Oh, it's different all right. He's the first psychopath you've jumped into the sack with.

-All right? What have you been up to? -Not a lot, you?

Sorry.

Nothing much.

I went to an art gallery the other week.

I would love to be in bed with you.

Shut up!

It was really interesting, he had a whole week of viewings.

There was pop art, abstract expressionism, that sort of thing.

There was a couple of Marcel Duchamps, John Hurford's fantasy landscapes

and Keiichi Tanaami, Japanese progressive... What are you laughing at?

I'm smiling because I'm pleased.

A year ago, you didn't know Constable from Dunstable.

Now listen to yourself.

I had a good teacher.

-That ring... It did say Margate, didn't it? -Yeah.

Who invited you to an art exhibition?

I wasn't invited.

Reg's mum got me a job as a waitress.

He was some big art dealer called Purnell.

What was his first name?

Roland. Do you know him?

-No. -Good.

He's a slimy little rat.

He promised me seven pound cash for the week and then took three quid back for tax.

That's because I'm a woman.

I know you are.

How's our little boy?

He's terrific, gets bigger every day.

What excuse did you give to Reg about going AWOL?

He doesn't know I've gone.

He's at work.

The Labour Exchange wrote to him, saying he had to take a job in the docks.

They've put him in a stock room checking cases of cigarettes.

Reg Trotter in a tobacco warehouse?

It's like leaving a monkey in charge of a banana shop.

GIGGLING

When I get out of here, things are going to change.

I want a different life.

I've got a place down in Hampshire, about a mile from Bournemouth.

A chalet, right on the beach.

I've had a lot of time to think about things while I've been in here,

and when I get out... I'm going straight.

I'm going to retire down at Bournemouth,

And what about me?

Will I ever get to see you?

First thing every morning and last thing every night if I have my way.

Joanie, I want you with me,

and I want our little boy in the room next door.

-Are you serious? -Let's get away.

The three of us, start afresh,

pretend we've never been here before.

Let's become new again.

Yeah.

Let's become new again.

Au revoir, Monmartre, may I speako Sacre Coeur to Mademoiselle Barbara Birdo, gracias?

French, it's a piece of...

Hello? Barbara? How's it going, Babs, baby?

My old Lambretta is hotter than a camel's burp waiting for you to get back.

I bet you can feel it throbbing all the way up your Champs Elysees.

Eh?

Oh, sorry, miss, can you put me through to Paris 379421? Thank you.

Bloody GPO!

LAUGHING

What about Reg? He might come down to Bournemouth looking for us.

He'll only come down once.

GIGGLING

I'm out soon, and that's when our lives begin.

Just keep thinking of us down on that beach.

If it's a nice day, we can jump in the boat,

sail out to sea and have a picnic...in France.

Oh, shut up.

And then we'll sail back in time for little one to get into bed

ready for school in the morning.

He'll love it.

I know he will. He's got a name.

Rodney.

Yeah, I know.

You know, some people use their middle names instead of their first. Has he got a middle name?

Charlton.

Yeah, Rodney'll love it.

But what about my Derek?

My eldest son.

I mean, I don't want to just leave him, not the way he is.

I want to make sure he's okay.

He's a teenager, he can look after himself.

No, I'd worry about him.

I've got to make sure he's settled before we run off.

Oh, I say! Where are you off to?

-Meeting someone special? -I've got a new girlfriend called Barbara.

She sounds nice, why don't you settle down with her?

-Why? Because her name's Barbara? -No, I mean, she's obviously very special,

-a woman can tell. -She's been away a while.

Yeah? What'd she get done for?

No, she's been travelling in Europe, she got back yesterday.

So you're going round for your duty-frees, are you?

Why do you have to make everything sordid?

Can I give you a bit of advice?

You're my mum. Blokes don't ask their mums for advice, they talk to a man.

So I had a chat with Alberto Balsam, the car dealer.

The most important thing is to make the mama like you.

Take her some flowers, say nice things.

When you meet her, you say, "Oh, now I know where Barbara gets her good looks from,"

and the mama says, "Oh, thank you," and say to her Barbara, "He's a nice boy, I like him,"

and then Barbara thinks, "Okay, I'll let him squeeze my titties."

Now, Barbara's dad has got his own business, and he's doing all right.

He owns a chain of undertakers' shops.

That sounds promising. A year from now, you could be driving the hearse.

Or a fully trained embalmer.

Look after her, Del, treat her nice and don't get her up the duff.

Don't be silly.

As it's our first real date, I'm taking her to a posh restaurant uptown.

You know, one of those places where you get more than one knife and fork.

When I worked at the town hall, I heard the best bit of advice about etiquette from the head of catering.

It was "Push your soup and pull your pudding."

LAUGHING

-He was having you on! -No, think about it.

You put your spoon in your soup and push away, and you pull your afters towards you.

So push your soup and pull your pudding, you remember it.

MOUTHING

"Now I know where Barbara gets her good looks from.

"Push your soup and pull your pudding in."

DOORBELL RINGING

"Now I know where Barbara gets her good looks from."

Kin'ell!

-What? -Canal. Um...

There was a traffic jam by the canal, that's why I'm late.

Now I know where, Barbara...

God... These are for you.

Thanks.

Mrs Bird, I've 'oovered the hall so I'm off now.

Thank you, Rose, see you tomorrow.

- Who's that at the door? - Oh, some boy.

I think he's on drugs.

MOUTHING

-Can I help you? -Are you Barbara's mum?

Yes. And you are?

Oh, I'm Derek, I'm here to pick Barbara up.

Oh, you're Derek! Lovely to meet you. Please, come in.

Oh, thank you. And may I say? If I may, now I know where Barbara gets her good looks from!

Oh...thank you.

This way.

Darling, this is Derek.

-Derek, this is my husband... -Bernard Bird. Good to meet you, Derek.

My daughter's told us so much about you.

Beryl, get Derek a drink.

Uh, tea, coffee or something slightly stronger? A sherry, perhaps?

No, thank you, Mr Bird, I'm all right.

It's Bernard.

Oh, well, thanks, Bernard. You've got a lovely house.

Yes, yes. We call it the Aviary.

LAUGHING

Why?

-Because we're the Bird family. I'm Bernard Bird... -And I'm...

And this is my wife, Beryl Bird and my daughter is Barbara Bird,

So we named our house the Aviary.

Now, that's good, that.

Oh, hello.

Oh, welcome home.

So, what was abroad like?

It was all right. Where are we going? Not local?

No, no. We're going up the West End. I've booked us into a restaurant.

Oh!

-What's it called? -The Golden Egg.

The Golden Egg?

The Golden Egg.

I've not heard of The Golden Egg.

Oh, it's in Leicester Square.

-What sort of cuisine is it? -Egg.

CLEARING THROAT

I'll just go and get my coat.

So, you're an undertaker?

Funeral director, yes. I've got six parlours, one in Chelsea.

Oh, fab. Oh, well, my dad reckons there's an Asian flu epidemic on the way, so fingers crossed, eh?

Really? Well, I imagine he'd know. Barbara tells us your father's a doctor.

A doctor?

No, not a doctor, a docker.

-A docker? -What's a docker?

He works down the docks.

Well, he worked down the docks, he got the old tin-tack.

Yeah, got caught with his hands in a crate of Marlboro tipped.

Well, it happens everywhere, don't it?

I mean, I'm sure a few bouquets have floated out the old chapel of rest, eh, Bernie?

Lovely jubbly!

Not too late tonight, darling.

Oh, shut up, Mother, you're like an old witch!

Mother's right, Barbara!

She has to be in bed by 12.

Oh, don't worry. She will be, Bernie, otherwise I'll bring her home!

No, I'm only joking!

My daughter is going out with the son of a docker.

Not just any docker, a thieving docker!

Your always telling your bereaved clients to look for the silver lining.

He might be a good influence on her.

Well, she has been rather strong-willed lately, all this vegetarian rubbish.

I know this Derek chap might be a bit "way out", as the young folk would say,

-but he might be just the one to bring a little common sense back into her life. -Let's hope so.

SCOOTER ENGINE ROARS

CUTLERY CLATTERING

"Push yer soup and pull yer pudding in."

-You all right? -All right? Look at my hair!

That's the only problem with a scooter. Your hair looks all right.

-Trust me, Babs. -Honestly? Oh, thanks.

And don't call me Babs.

-So, what did you order? -A mushroom omelette.

Do you not fancy a nice steak?

I haven't eaten meat for the past 18 months.

Ah, well, tonight's your lucky night, darling, because I am loaded.

I mean, I'm a vegetarian.

No flesh enters my body.

Oh, this is turning into a night to remember! Ah, here we go, Babs, baby!

Mushroom omelette. And for sir, breaded plaice and pommes frites.

-They look like chips, don't they? -They are chips.

And don't call me Babs, and don't call me baby!

Oh, look at that!

Tony! Excuse me.

I don't want to get you into trouble

but you've dropped a bit of lemon on my fish.

That's garnish, Sir.

That's lemon, mate. It's probably just slipped out of someone's gin and tonic or something.

He means it's supposed to be there.

You squeeze it over your fish.

Lemon on fish? And what about me chips?

Ain't got a tangerine handy, have you?

Enjoy your meal.

"You've dropped a bit of lemon on my fish!"

You're so gauche! I've never been so embarrassed in all my life!

No? You should look in the mirror.

Right, that's it! Take me home now!

All right, calm down, I was only having a laugh with you.

Look, I know this is sudden, this being our first real date

and you not liking me and all, but do you fancy getting engaged?

I think this is the one he's going to settle down with.

I know he'll be all right now. We can go whenever you like.

Well, I've just got a couple of debts to settle, then we'll be off.

I can't believe our luck.

Her mum and dad have invited us round to their house for an engagement party

and Del says they are really looking forward to meeting me and Reg.

Yeah?

Reg, would you like another drink?

Of course you would.

Derek tells us you work in the film industry.

Well, in a cinema.

She sells choc-ices during the interlude.

Are you the ice-cream girl?

-HE SMIRKS -Girl?

I used to think that was such a glamorous job, with the spotlight shining down on you.

I used to think I'd like to do that when I leave school.

Well, you'll have to come round to our flat, try her uniform on.

THEY LAUGH

Derek, would you be so kind as to fetch some more food from the kitchen?

Yeah, of course, Mrs Bird.

How much does Roland owe us?

Lots.

He's been in hiding for ages.

As soon as word got out that we were going down the road,

he comes out of hiding and opens up a new art gallery.

Didn't stop to think we might be innocent.

Well...

And he made a friend of mine pay tax on a poxy �L7 a week wage.

Well, I'll show you what tax is, Roland, my son.

You're going to be the Inland Revenue's number one fan by the time I've finished with you.

Oh, Mrs Bird, it's you. It's turned into quite a nice engagement party, ain't it?

I must say, you make a lovely sausage roll.

GIGGLING NERVOUSLY

Give me your hand.

No. No, no, no. What are you doing?

Give me your hand.

-Please, Mrs Bird, I was just going to take these... -Give me your hand!

-Give me your other hand. -All right.

Beryl!

Mummy?

It's not what it looks like, Bernard.

-What's happening? -Derek had his hands on my mother's breasts!

-He what? -I don't know how that happened!

You two are so shocked, aren't you?

Does it come as such a surprise that I might actually like to be kissed or touched?

Oh, God!

Look, why don't we go back in the living room and just discuss it sensibly?

Yeah, let's go and have another drink.

You go and have another drink, drink the whole bottle if you like.

Take it easy, Bernie, don't spoil the evening.

I watch you,

with your little skirts and your high heels and your modern hairdos.

And I hear you playing your records.

I can feel you dancing.

I'm pleased to see you enjoying yourself, because I never had your enjoyment.

I never went to parties or Golden Eggs and had fun.

Oh, not the war again. Boring!

Oh, no, it was much worse than the war! I got married!

The Blitz was fun compared to him!

I've spent the last 20 years of my life trapped in this house.

You call it the Aviary,

-to me it's a cage! -Look, I'm sure you can all talk this over and one day laugh...

LAUGHING

Well, maybe not laugh about it...

Do you know what I do when your father's at work and you are at school?

I put on your clothes.

-Ooh, we're off and running! -What?

You put Barbara's clothes on?

And I play your records.

And I dance to them.

And I pretend I'm enjoying myself.

I've become an expert in pretence.

You pretend you're me?

I just wanted a sip of your wine, darling.

Be fair, you selfish cow, you drained my vineyard dry years ago!

-You need to see a doctor. -Oh, no, Bernard. I just need another drink!

-I forbid you, Beryl! -Oh, fuck off, darling!

I'll go and have a word with her if you like.

You stay where you are!

Look, Barbara, will you please listen to me?

What's happened here tonight appears to be a terrible thing, especially as it's your engagement party.

-It couldn't have happened at a worse time. -Shut up, Derek!

Will you get out of this kitchen before I brain you?

And take him with you!

Look...men are stupid.

Well, the men in my family are.

But Del is a decent man... underneath.

He never forgets my birthday and he always asks how I am and makes me laugh when I'm miserable.

Derek's not bad, he's just, you know...thick.

Why don't you all sit down some time next week, and talk about what happened tonight

and recognise that it was just a very silly moment, and then get on with your lives?

Because I know that one day you and Del could settle down and...

Talk to your son?

Talk to my mother?

It's not just the men in your family who are stupid, is it, Mrs Trotter?

DOG BARKS

I'm going to buy my little boy an electric train set

with bridges and cows and things.

Lovely. Has Roland got a safe?

Ah, it would never have worked anyway.

Different classes, see.

Their lives are full of skiing, leather-bound Radio Times

and cheese that smells like toe-jam.

No, not my idea of a future.

I'm finished with girls now.

I think I might join the priesthood. You know, I've always been very religious.

I might actually be Catholic.

-You know, I think I'd get on well in that game. -I don't believe him.

Half hour ago he was a having a fumble with his fiancee's mum and now he wants to be the Pope!

Oh, look!

She is beautiful! I think I'm in love!

DOOR SLAMMING

-What'd you mean, your dream's been ruined? -What?

Oh, you know. I had this dream of a big white wedding. I'm a mother and tonight Del ruined it.

If you ask me, he's well out of it.

That Beryl's as nutty as an almond tree.

Still, she does a nice sausage roll.

I'm going to bed.

ENGINE REVVING

ENGINE REVVING

ENGINE REVVING

If only Del had resisted, we could have been living by the seaside.

But, no, he's like all other men.

They can't say no and they never call, even when they promise to.

BABY COOING

If only they could pick up a phone as easy as they do bad habits...

SIGHING

# Is this a lasting treasure?

# Or just a moment's pleasure?

SHE SINGS ALONG

# Can I believe

# The magic of your sighs?

# Will you still love me tomorrow?

# Tonight with words unspoken

# You said that I'm the only one

# But will my heart be broken?

# When the night meets the morning sun?

# I'd like to know that your love

# Is a love I can be sure of

# So tell me now

# And I won't ask again

# Will you still love me tomorrow?

# Will you still love me tomorrow?

# Will you still love me tomorrow? #

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