Original subtitles

[?? upbeat music plays]

Ugh. If I'm ever in a coma, put braces on my teeth.

-Okay. -[Samir] Thanks, buddy.

[Issa] Oh, thank you.

-Hey. -[Issa, Billie] Hi.

Wait, that's your secret smile. You've got a little secret.

-It's... It's nothing really. It's... -[Billie gasps]

[Issa] Tell us!

My sister wants my sperm. [squeals]

[Billie] Oh.

Context? Any context would be lovely.

-Explain, please. -Right, yes. Okay, scooch.

-So... my mom and I are on the phone, right? -Uh-huh.

I'm telling her I'm hungry, she's listing off foods I can eat.

And suddenly she tells me

that my sister Talia and her wife are thinking about having a baby.

-Oh, my-- -Wait, wait.

And then out of the blue,

Talia texts me saying she wants to stop by the house next week.

[chuckling] I mean, she's after my seed, ultimately.

Oh, my God. First baby of the friend group.

-That's wild. -Look, it's not that big of a deal.

This is just what happens when two little gay siblings become two big gay grown-ups.

I mean, you have to assume one might ask the other for genetic material.

[clears throat]

What? Why this? Why the silence?

No, nothing. I just... I didn't realize that you had that kind of relationship.

You're famously a monster around your big sister.

-Yeah, that. -I mean, yes.

Have I historically been something of a drain to Talia? Sure.

But does it feel so good to finally be seen as a faucet? It does.

Like a faucet in a few ways.

Can I just ask the thing?

No, Samir, it's not incest, okay? Her wife would be carrying the baby.

No, I was...

-gonna ask if you feel nervous. -Aw.

A little bit.

But mostly, I'm excited.

-And honored. -[Issa] Mm-hmm.

And ready. Oh, I'm ready.

[chuckles] Can you believe it?

Such a good retcon.

I was totally gonna ask the incest thing.

I was right there with you, brother. Yeah.

[?? "Bad Advice" playing]

?? I need some bad advice ??

?? Stay up tonight ??

?? We'll make it out alive ??

[?? song ends]

Your egg freezing kit includes FSH, trigger shot...

-Gonadotropin. Where is it? -Wow.

I did not know you were so serious about this.

Yeah, Anton becoming an uncle-father made me take a good hard look

at my own fertility.

-Like, I'm an only child. -No. You?

Which made me special, but ultimately lonely.

So I want five kids.

Which means I got to throw some eggs on ice.

Iss, please let me know if I can help with any of this.

-Okay? -Thank you.

-You know what they say about fertility. -No, what?

-I don't know, like, specifically. -Oh.

-Okay, I am off. -Wow, there she is.

Juror number four in the courts but number one in our hearts.

Thanks. Yeah, I don't know why people complain about jury duty so much.

It's really not that bad.

-And by that you mean... -I'm having the best week of my life.

-There it is. -Yep.

God, all this time looking for a job

and then one comes along mandated by the state.

I have routine. I have structure. I have a judge who sees me as a daughter.

I'm sorry I can't help you with your egg freezing this week.

Oh, my God, it's okay. My ovaries know you care.

-[doorbell rings] -[Anton] That's for me. I've got it.

I'm getting it. That's for me. I'm getting it. Excuse me! Whoo!

-[Talia] Hi! -[Anton] Hi!

You guys, my big sister's here.

[studio audience cheering]

What the fuck is that?

Wow, crown moldings?

-Prince in a palace. -I know.

My face is on the currency. I look regal but stern.

-Like, mm-mmm. [laughs] -[laughs]

Okay, okay. Couch or chairs? How do you picture it?

We could do the couch. I'm not gonna be here that long.

Great, couch. I can really see it on the couch.

[Anton chuckles, sighs]

-So... -[chuckles]

Do you want to start, or should I?

-I don't know how this works. -I could start. Yeah.

Okay, so you left this at Mom and Dad's house, so take that.

-Okay. -Oh. Mom wanted me to give you this.

She says you need to drink some more water.

She's worried that you're only drinking juice and you'll be dead by 40. Okay?

-Okay. -Good.

And...

Yes? [chuckling]

I need you to sign this card for Nana and Pop-pop 'cause it's their anniversary.

All right? So here, sign your name.

Big boy handwriting. Thank you, sir.

Great, and signed for you.

Thank you.

And anything from me that you might need?

Like what?

Come on. Talia. [chuckling]

Anton. What?

Okay, okay. [breathes deeply]

You can have my sperm.

Wh... [laughing]

[both laughing]

I know.

It's the gift of life. There is no right way to react to it.

[laughing] What are you talking about?

What?

Because Mom said you and Brooke were trying to have a baby.

Yeah but, like, I'm not gonna let the kid that ruined every family vacation

father my child. [laughing]

I mean, you left your jacket at Mommy and Daddy's house.

Okay. First of all, it was Mom's car, actually.

And you ruined Puerto Vallarta.

-You got your period on the banana boat. -All right, we're done here.

-I'm gonna leave. -Bye.

-What do you want me to do with this? -I don't want that.

Fine, you probably don't even know how to use it anyway.

-Fine, I'll keep it. -If you insist. Okay.

Opposite trick. You just used the opposite trick on me, Talia.

-You're still doing the opposite trick. -I didn't, Anton.

You did. Keep the Brita. Okay? We don't have space to plug it in anyways.

Plug it in? Bro.

It goes in the fridge.

It's a figure of speech, Talia!

That's a figure of speech. You don't know slang.

[line ringing]

-Hey, baby. -Mom.

-How'd it go? -He's a disaster.

No, he's a full-on disaster.

-[exhales] -Oh.

-Hey, Iss. -Hey.

Do you need any help with that?

Oh, I mean If you're not doing anything today, yeah, sure.

-Yeah. -Yeah, I just need to jab this,

um... [clears throat] ...into here, but, uh... [breathes deeply]

I'm scared.

-All right. -This feels huge.

I'm just a child. Samir. Like...

-What if I strike the core? -Hey. It's okay.

[Issa groans]

-Do you want me to try? -Yes, thank you.

-Do you want me to try? -Yes, thank you. Just know whatever I say

Just know whatever I say while you're doing it, like, I don't mean any of it.

Yeah. It's fine.

[screams] Fuck you, you're gonna die!

You're a bitch! You're a loser incel, fucking eunuch, you bitch!

-Let's try something else. -Yeah, that sounds good. Okay.

-Here we go. -[?? "KA-POW" playing]

Sorry, go again.

Sorry, go again.

-Run at it. Run at it! -Okay! [crying]

Okay, I'm ready. Samir?

-Here comes the airplane. -Don't do that.

Just throw it at me. Throw... [yelps] ...You missed.

-[gasps] Oh, my God. -What?

-Back up into it. -I can't, I can't, I can't.

Oh, my God. What is that?

[yelps]

[?? song ends]

[gasps] Nice.

-What the hell? -Right?

Oh, my God, wait.

-Same time tomorrow? -Same time tomorrow.

[Paul] Iss, you don't mind that I'm not helping?

[Issa] No, it's actually great.

Freezing your eggs is so vulnerable.

You're, like, hormonal.

Someone has to pinch your belly fat every day.

So I needed someone that I could never, ever feel any sexual attraction towards.

And that's why I chose Samir.

I'm a caretaker now.

-Carly says it's very becoming of me. -[Issa] Aw.

You can use "becoming" like that. Did you know that?

Okay, well, I'm glad your fertility journey's going well.

-'Cause mine has been so bad. -Sweetie.

I mean, Talia has no interest in having my child.

Can you believe that? She literally laughed in my face.

So, Anton? Some of us are never gonna have kids with our sisters.

So, Anton? Some of us are never gonna have kids with our sisters.

Is that really the worst thing?

Okay, but this isn't actually about the kid, right?

It's, like, what the kid represents.

Yes, this is about how my sister sees me.

Which is so far from the charming, well adjusted person I've become.

-[knocking on window] -[Anton] Oh.

Regular or premium?

Ugh. What would you do, a splash of both?

[chuckles] I'm kidding. We'll just take regular, please.

-Thank you. Yeah. -Regular it is.

See? That's the charming Anton that we know.

-[phone rings] -Oh, one second. Sorry.

-[phone rings] -Oh, one second. Sorry. [Anton's mom] Hi, sweetie.

[Anton's mom] Hi, sweetie.

What the hell is wrong with you, Mom? You made me look like an idiot!

What are you talking about? What did I do this time?

I'm talking about your daughter, who you raised.

Why would you raise someone like that? I'm just curious. Why would you do that?

-Whoa. -We know, yeah.

So he's a delight to all seven billion people on this earth

except the three he's related to.

Call her, Mom, okay?

Tell her to take my sperm. Tell her she has to.

There he is.

-There you go. -Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

-You're a dream. -[Anton's mom] Me?

No, not you, Mom. You're a fucking nightmare!

-Hey, hey, Anton, I think we should-- -Mom, Mom,

if you don't fix this, I will never speak to you again, okay?

We will only communicate through Dad, and we both know he cannot convey tone.

I gotta walk the dog. I'll call you back.

'Kay. Say hi to Dad. Love you.

[?? dramatic music plays]

-[Paul] Oh. -[engine revs]

Guys, I'm gonna say it.

[chuckles] I think this has been the best day of the trial yet.

Like, everyone is just, like, bop-bop-bop, on fire.

-[juror] Yeah. -Totally.

Hey, Rodney, be honest, are we the best jury you've ever seen?

Oh. We got him. He's smiling. He's smiling.

Oh, uh, guys, that reminds me, did everyone join the group chat?

-I did. -[juror 2] I did.

FYI, I didn't include the alternates in the group chat.

They are alternates for a reason.

[all laughing]

Should that go on the board?

[all chanting] Board, board, board, board!

[Billie] Okay, put it on the board.

-Ugh, Is Billie home yet? -No.

[Issa] Where is she? Oh, my God. She left the kitchen a mess.

-Hey, Ant, so, earlier with your mom... -Ugh. I know, I know.

-We bicker. -No, that was not bickering.

That was like a whole other guy I've never met before.

-Ok-Okay. -I'm gonna be honest with you.

Your sister is not going to want to have a baby with that guy.

That was not...

-sperm-worthy. -[sighs]

It's just... It's hard.

My family sees me a certain way and then I act a certain way,

and then they see me that way more.

The cycle, it's vicious.

[stammers] No, dude, I get that. That's family, right?

But we got to show Talia the person that you are now.

-You're the most mature of any of us. -No, no, no.

-You have TSA PreCheck. -No, Global Entry.

You have a Wordle streak, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, and I'm actually diving into Connections.

-You're diving in! -Yeah, I'm dabbling now.

Okay, so let's show her that guy, right? And I can help you.

-Really? -Oh, yeah. I'm the sister whisperer.

My sister Blair Baker and I have only ever fought once ever.

My sister Blair Baker and I have only ever fought once ever.

It was over Cheez-Its.

We said sorry for weeks.

I mean, sure, if you want to.

Hey, are you guys hungry? [screams]

-Oh, my God. -Hey, Samy, wait!

No! You're balding, you're short, you're a loser, you live in your mom's house!

[Issa exhales]

-Nice. -Oh.

-Best one yet? Yeah! [chuckles] Whoo! -Right?

Hell of a day. Hell of a day.

Ladies and gentlemen.

-Rodney. -The judge would like a word.

Oh, my God, I bet we're being sequestered.

The bailiff has brought something to my attention.

Who here sent baked goods to all the litigants and their legal teams?

Oh, my God.

In all my years on the bench, I've never seen anything like this.

No, you have not.

Who did this?

Because whoever did just caused a mistrial.

-What? -[juror] Mistrial?

-[jurors muttering] -What? A mistrial?

Goddamn it. Who was it? Admit it.

Guys, admit it. If it was you, admit it.

Guys, admit it. If it was you, admit it. Juror number four?

Juror number four?

Oh, my God?

Underneath her seat.

Between our seats, but mostly under her seat.

I can't believe this.

Juror number four.

Can I please be considered for the retrial?

[jurors groan]

[sighs] Do you think we have enough candles?

Like, does it look candlelit or just lit by candles?

Okay, Anton. Hey, Ant, look at me.

Breathe, okay?

You are a grown up and Talia's gonna see what the rest of us see.

-Okay. -Trust me, after tonight,

your sister's gonna be begging for your sperm.

-Okay? -Okay, you're right. You're right.

-[door opens] -They're here.

-[Paul] Okay, okay. -[chattering]

[whispering] They're here.

Wow, this is quite a fancy...

what is it, a diner? [chuckles]

-Well, we did the place up. -Stop it.

[Anton] Just for you.

Uh, bro? We good?

Because of yesterday?

Oh, water, bridge. We're here. [chuckling]

-Okay. Good. I love that. -Great.

And you must be Brooke. What a pleasure.

-I'm so sorry. You are? -I'm Paul Baker.

I'm your ma�tre d' this fine evening.

-Ooh la la. -Right?

-[speaks French] -[all laughing]

-[speaks French] -[all laughing] French. Le Louvre.

French. Le Louvre.

-[Paul] Please, let us hang up your coats. -Oh, yes, thank you so much.

-Thank you so much. -Thank you.

-[whispering] Put 'em in there? -Hang on. Hang on.

-With the menu and everything. [chuckling] -I know. It's impressive.

[Talia, Brooke] Hi.

Can I get us started with a red wine, white wine?

Do you have a Pinot?

Ooh. Lovely choice. Let me go check the cellar.

-[Brooke] Okay, cellar. [chuckles] -[chuckles]

[Anton] You know what I've been thinking a lot about?

How Mom and Dad have inner lives.

Do you know what I mean by lives?

I don't know, it's just something I've been thinking about.

How do we feel about a 2019 vintage?

I mean, that's great. That's the year that we met, so...

-We know. [chuckles] -We know. [chuckles]

[both] Stop it!

No way!

Yeah.

Sit your little skinny waist down right here.

[all laughing]

[Samir] It-It's crazy.

It's like I'm back in high school chemistry suddenly.

"The meniscus." Never thought I'd see her again.

This is so sweet of you, Samy.

Aw. What can I say? I'm becoming.

No, seriously, Samir has been great, Carly, and I have not made it easy.

-No, it's a vulnerable time. -I'm just impressed, Issa.

-Like, this takes some real foresight. -I know, right?

Yeah, well, she wants five kids.

One named after each season.

Fall and autumn.

-Yeah. -Beautiful.

How many does Paul Baker want?

-Hmm. I actually don't know. -[both] No?

But we haven't been dating for that long.

So, like, you guys don't know how many kids you want, right?

-Well... -Well, I always wanted two kids...

-Yes. [chuckling] -...but Carly wants three,

so we're settling on two and a happy accident.

And a Labradoodle named Randy.

Uh, Russell. See, we can't agree on anything.

[chuckles]

-Okay, and we're ready. -Hmm?

Fuck you! Fuck you! Die!

[Samir groans]

Okay, we got a runner.

I'd cancel the reservation.

[all laughing]

Oh, and I should mention before it gets too late in the night, dinner's my treat.

No, come on, you can't blow all this money on us.

No, no, no. Anton is very fiscally responsible.

No, no, no. Anton is very fiscally responsible. In fact, he has a credit score.

In fact, he has a credit score.

-[Brooke] Wow. -[Anton] It's true.

And a job in a skyscraper. [chuckles] Who said that?

[all chuckling]

-It was me. -[Talia] Okay, then I'm ordering dessert.

And I'm enjoying it.

So, Paul Baker, how long have you been in New York?

Like three years now.

Like, wow, time flies. I moved down from Canada after university.

-University. -University instead of college.

Oh, my God, I love me some Canadians.

Honestly, New York really feels like home now.

-Don't tell my parents I said that. -[Talia] Oh!

Anton, you have such nice friends.

Aw. Thanks.

[whispering]

-Are you serious? -Mm-hmm.

-[Brooke] We could always ask. -No, what? What's up?

-Float it. -Okay, um...

-Wow, I can't believe this is happening. -I know!

Okay, okay. So not to put anybody on the spot.

Okay, okay. So not to put anybody on the spot. -No, no.

-No, no. -But, God.

Would you, like, ever consider being our sperm donor...

-[Anton] Yes! -...Paul Baker?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, hey, dude. Let's just--

I have been begging to give you my sperm all week, and you're gonna take his?

Anton. We're just taking a temperature check.

-Temper-- They're just taking-- -I invited you to this dinner. I'm paying.

I am wearing a goddamn merino turtle neck that goes up to my fucking ears,

-and you still see me as a child? -Yeah, I see you as a child

because you're yelling in a restaurant like a fucking child.

Actually, who's yelling now? I think it's you.

-Because you make me yell! -Do you hear her?

Do I yell in real life?

-Never. -I surely don't. You make me yell!

You know, my sister Blair Baker and I once got in a huge fight over Cheez-Its.

[whispering] I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling anymore. I'm whispering. Okay?

I'm whispering so quietly that only a fairy can hear me,

and the fairies are telling me they hate you because you're such a stupid bitch.

and the fairies are telling me they hate you because you're such a stupid bitch.

-Hey yo, fuck your fairies. -Okay. I get how this can be frustrating.

[groans]

Take my sperm, Talia. Take it. Take my sperm!

-[clears throat] Carrot cake, Brooke? -I'd love some cake. Thank you.

-Do you hear yourself, Anton? -[Anton] Do you hear yourself?

-You're making everyone uncomfortable. -Me?

Look, they're muttering off to the side. They're having a full side conversation.

It uses... It's like sour cream icing.

You know, it would go really good with coffee.

Hello? Hello? What?

Listen, if you don't want to be here right now, nobody's keeping you here.

No, I wanna be here. I set this up. I wanna be here.

Then what do you wanna do? You wanna sit down?

Fine.

[gasps] Opposite trick!

Oh, my God, Anton!

You're embarrassing me in front of my friend!

You're embarrassing me in front of my wife.

Well, my friend is also my husband, so that's two. That counts twice.

-I win. -I'm sorry, what?

Brooke, let's go. I'm gonna put a baby in you right now.

I had sex with a girl once and a lot came out, so let's try it.

-I'm okay. -Ew.

[screaming]

I obviously don't wanna have sex with a woman.

Why would I want to have sex with a woman? I don't like women!

-I'm fucking gay! -[door slams]

[?? gentl -[sighs] -[knocks on door]

[Anton] Someone's in here, Talia.

Please...

-Why didn't you tell me you were married? -Paul Baker needed a visa.

So what, Talia? You don't know everything about me.

No, I don't know everything about you because you only show me one thing.

Okay! I would love to show you more, Talia, but I-I-I can't! I can't. Okay?

If you were a stranger, I could show you any part I wanted, but I can't with you.

I don't know. I don't know why, I can't. [exhales deeply]

-What? What is this? -Put your hand in my hand.

-What are you doing? -Just put your hand in my hand.

Hi,

my name is Talia, and I'm your sister,

but I'm also someone who writes the newsletter for my building.

I'm learning Italian.

Also, when I get drunk, I like to climb on things.

This is so weird. This is like we're at a conference. I can't do this.

-What is this? -Just go with it. Roll with it.

Just do it.

Okay.

-Hey, I'm Anton. -Hi.

Uh, I work in digital ad sales.

And I have a recurring dream about Zoe Kravitz,

and my friends want me to do a sleep study about it.

-Anton. -What?

I too work in digital ad sales.

I think I would know if you worked in digital ad sales, Talia.

I think I would know if you worked in digital ad sales, Talia.

Well, you never asked me.

-Do you use SalesDock Pro? -I fucking hate SalesDock Pro.

[both] But it's the only way to calculate ROI. No!

-No! -[screams]

[both laughing]

-What? [chuckles] -Yes! [chuckles]

[Anton] Huh.

Have my children.

[sighs] We were so close.

-Is that a no? -[door slams]

Okay, that's a big family. So you want four?

Yeah, I think four. Yeah. Three girls and then one boy.

You know, so I'm like mainly a girl dad,

but I still have a chance to raise a good man.

-How about you? How many kids? -I always thought I'd have two.

One I like, one I don't. [chuckles]

-Well, that's-- -[screams] Fuck you, you bitch!

You're a fucking loser! You live in your mom's house!

-Fuck you, get away! [yelps] -[Billie] Oh, shit!

Issa, stop!

[Issa] Hop off my dick!

-[Paul] Whoa! Guys! -[Billie] Someone grab her!

[Issa] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I hope you die!

-Get away from me! -[Billie] Order! Issa!

Order! Order! Or--

Issa.

Issa, Issa.

-You need to take it. -I'm hormonal.

Boo-hoo. We are all hormonal.

Anton, help.

Give me it.

-Stay back. -You stay back.

Iss. Iss.

-Needle's down. Needle is down, okay? -[breathes deeply]

Issa. Look around.

No one's forcing you to do this.

Just don't.

Okay?

-Yeah. -Okay.

Opposite trick?

I learned from the best.

[?? "Big Boy" playing]

?? Big boy pants 'Cause my pockets is thick ??

?? Hello Kitty key chain Hang straight from my hip ??

?? Got a big boy bag Got a big boy drip ??

?? Make a lil girl sad 'Cause a big boy rich ??

?? Big boy pants 'Cause my pockets is thick ??

?? Hello Kitty key chain Hang straight from my hip ??

?? Got a big boy bag Got a big boy drip ??

?? Make a lil girl sad 'Cause a big boy rich ??

?? I'm a girl, I'm a girl I'm a girl, I know ??

?? But I got a big mouth And a big boy flow ??

?? They only wanna listen When the bitches bein' hoes ??

?? But you're an incel I can tell, I know ??

?? Calling me a loser Like I never really got far ??

?? Your whole crew got more pigs Than a cop car ??

?? Kiss my feet 'Cause you'll never See the top bar ??

?? Wishing you were me Every time that you pop bars ??

?? Ouch, yeah, that one hurt ??

?? Lemon juice in the wound That's never gonna work ??

?? Ow, that hurt me so much ??

?? Ow, that was Really really mean ??

?? Big boy pants 'Cause my pockets is thick ??

?? Hello Kitty key chain Hang straight from my hip ??

?? Got a big boy bag Got a big boy drip ??

?? Make a lil girl sad 'Cause a big boy rich ??

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0