Original subtitles

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

I can't believe I'm pregnant.

Congratulations.

- It's our first team baby. - How about that?

The only thing we care about is your health and happiness.

Well, this is a fucking disaster.

First game is on Saturday, and we are now down to zero strikers.

Yeah, well, at least it's a friendly.

What the heck?

There we go. Okay. Let's think about this.

Come on. All right.

- Alice, do you know anybody? - Yeah. But no.

I'm intrigued. Go on.

Well, I played with this striker, Gemma, who would be great.

- Great! - But she quit a couple of years ago

- to study law. - I object.

Plus she'd never play for Richmond.

Oh, okay. Well, how about you give her a shout anyway.

See what's what, you know? It's worth a shot.

Fine, yeah, but we'd have better luck getting players off the street.

Now that's an interesting idea.

- You're talking about open tryouts. - Oh, I was joking.

Maybe we'll find a janitor who's a mathematical genius.

Yeah. Or a coal miner's son who's a ballet prodigy.

Or a Susan Boyle.

Nice.

What's a Susan Boyle?

Is that what British folks call skin tags?

It's a...

I have to look up your references, you have to look up mine.

Fair, fair. Okay. Sounds like we're doing open tryouts.

I'll let Rebecca know.

- What-- No... - Great idea, Coach.

Well, I... I was joking.

I was joking!

- Oh, Ted. - Yep.

What are you doing down there?

Oh, just reminding myself about the value of knocking.

Wait.

Is that the man, the myth, the Matthijs?

Captain, you are clear for landing a big old hug.

Come here, man.

- I warned you he lacks boundaries. - Oh, boy.

What brings you to AFC Richmond?

Well, I just landed and thought it would be fun

to come and have sex in Rebecca's office,

and then you crashed into the door.

- Oh, yeah. - I warned you he was blunt.

Oh, I love blunt people.

They're like those maps at shopping malls. You always know exactly where you stand.

Right, Ted. What do you need?

Oh, yeah. We're down a couple of players, so we'd love to have open tryouts.

Just hoping to find some undiscovered talent.

- Oh, like a Susan Boyle. - What the...

Open tryouts? That seems a bit silly.

Well, it was Coach Chilton's idea.

And I love it. Let's do it.

- Okay. Yeah, absolutely. - Thank you so much.

- Matthijs. I didn't know you were coming. - Hello.

No one will be at this rate.

Keeley, what do you need?

I want everything to be perfect for the match this Saturday.

- Yep. - So I'm thinking rally towels

like they do in the US.

Yeah, imagine the fans waving red and blue towels in celebration.

- Oh, it's priceless. - How priceless?

- £4,000. - No.

Well, I may have purchased them with my own money,

hoping you would say yes.

Right, you know the old saying, "It's the hope that has you down £4,000"?

- No. - Nope.

Who's excited for the shareholders' meeting tonight?

- No. Right, we're done. - Okay.

- Thank you so much. Bye-bye. - Okay.

- Good to see you, Matthijs. - Yeah, nice to meet ya, Matthijs.

- Ground control to Major Hunk. - Oh, shut up.

Good evening, and welcome

to the first AFC Richmond Shareholders' Meeting of the season.

Welcome back.

Great to see you all again, especially the Milk sisters.

Where would we be without you?

Starting us off is our Richmond men's coach

to give us an in-depth peek at the team. Roy Kent.

He's here! He's here!

Roy Kent! Roy Kent!

Two wins, one loss, played like shit in all of them.

We'll see what fucking happens.

Concise as always.

Any questions for Coach Kent?

You. Fucking Marty McFly.

Yeah, Roy. I was just wondering--

What did you fucking call me?

Sorry, Coach Kent.

What?

Your contract ends this season.

Have you given any thought about your future at Richmond?

Have I given it any thought?

Yeah.

Have you given any thought about the fact that it's none of your fucking business?

Anyone else?

Great.

Okay. I guess that's all.

And now for the first time in Richmond football history,

we will be discussing the Richmond women's team.

Where are you going, Ed?

We're not done yet.

- Hello, hello? Yeah, is this mic on? - Oi.

Sit down!

Thank you.

Up first, we have our Chief Marketing Officer, Keeley Jones.

Thank you.

Hello, Richmond.

This has been three years in the making, and we are finally here.

The Lady Greyhounds.

And we are going to be kicking things off this Saturday

with a friendly against Hayes and Yeading.

Who fucking cares?

Shut it.

I care.

And I'm sure that a lot of you in this room do too,

which is why I would like you to be the first to know

our sponsor for the men's team, Pinter & Sons,

is also sponsoring the women's team this year.

Won't be around past a year.

I disagree. I actually think with your support

that this could be the beginning of an amazing legacy.

That's not what the report said.

Report? I'm sorry, I don't know... What report?

The one that's going around online.

Clearly you're not on the Richmond subreddit.

I'm not, no.

And I assure you,

no one on this stage knows anything about a report.

Then why does it have his name on it?

Yes, that one.

I haven't had the time to read it through line by line yet.

This is amateur. We're trying to take the men's team to the Champions League.

What are we wasting money on this for?

The ladies' league is exactly why Jamie Tartt left.

Richmond women deserve to be here.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Right. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Susan Boyle!

You slept through our dinner plans.

What?

Mattie, I'm so sorry.

I can't get anything right tonight.

Oh, it's okay. I made a new reservation for an early dinner tomorrow.

- Oh, that's nice. - And I had to

'cause the waiter doesn't think you exist.

Which is actually better than the truth that I got stood up by my girlfriend.

My real girlfriend.

Sorry.

But don't worry, I'll make it up to you.

- Wait, I'm the one that fucked up. - Oh, I know.

But I'll make it up to you.

Ugh, this is impossible. I can't get it!

I got you, bud.

Okay, here we go. Here, turn and face me.

I'm gonna be your mirror. Okay? Here, pop that up first. Like that.

Why do we have to wear uniforms anyways?

Well, wearing a uniform can help create a sense of community and pride,

like you're a part of something bigger than yourself.

It's the same reason why teams wear uniforms, right, yeah?

And I think the other part is that

it helps y'all kids not focus on things like social status

and appearances and whatnot.

But then how do uniforms cancel out stuff like

height and bone structure and generational wealth?

No, I hear what you're saying. It's a good question,

but, you know, if you're gonna start pulling that string,

heck, they also stifle creativity, self-expression and individuality.

But y'all do look so darn cute.

Stop slowing down. My knee's fine.

I know it bugs you in the morning.

I told you my friend's a specialist. She'll see you whenever you want.

Both of you leave me alone.

You should be worrying about your first day

and why you're dressed like that.

Who's your principal? Elton John?

It's Sir Elton John.

And I did this myself.

It's called pizzazz, Uncle Roy.

And considering your wardrobe, you could use some.

It's called minimalism, Phoebe.

He's been dressing like he's part of the Mission Impossible franchise

since he was about 14.

- Yeah. - Well,

I made these for you for your match on Saturday. For good luck.

They've got fucking sparkles.

And I love them so much.

Thank you, Phoebe.

You should see what I'm wearing to the Richmond match.

My football team's having a sleepover,

and we're all making our own shirts.

Are you coming to Manchester?

No. The Richmond match in Richmond.

Oh, you mean the women's match.

Both teams are Richmond.

I know. It's just when someone says Richmond,

they're usually referring to the team that's existed for over a century.

- Uh-oh. - And what's that supposed to mean?

Hey, look who it is.

- Morning. - Hi, Ted.

- Hi, Henry. - Phoebe.

- Hi. - I like your tie.

- Oh, thank you. Tied it myself. - Cool.

If you need any help today, just find me.

I kicked three boys in the balls in primary school,

so I'm kind of untouchable.

Nice.

- Bye, Mum. - Bye.

Bye, Coach.

Bye, Roy.

- Come on, Henry. - Bye, Dad.

See ya, big guy.

- So, Roy, what's the square footage like? - What?

Of the doghouse that Phoebe's got you in.

That's right. Well done.

- Fuck off. - Thank you.

Oh, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Well done, Gemma.

Give me. Give me.

Go, Gemma!

- See you. - Catch you later.

- Next week. Bye, guys. - Bye.

Did you see my email?

- No, not yet. - Oh, bollocks.

I was hoping you had so I wouldn't have to tell you in person.

Pinter & Sons are pulling their sponsorship of the women's team.

What?

Apparently the shareholders' meeting spooked members of their board.

- Good morning. - Fuck's sake.

- Hi. Morning. - Is everything okay?

Yes. We were just saying how sorry we are about last night.

And by way of an apology

for not telling you about the Higgins report...

- It's not called that. - ...we wondered if this would suffice.

Thank you.

Do you have the receipt?

- Don't you like it? - I love it.

I'm gonna reimburse myself

for the rally towels that you said no to yesterday.

- Well played. - So I read the full report last night.

In one night?

It was right. Starting a women's football team is a risk,

but what that report did not take into consideration was us.

Us and the Richmond Way.

We can do this.

But everything has to be perfect, and we need to do this together.

So please, no more secrets.

I need you to tell me everything, okay?

Pinter & Sons are pulling their sponsorship.

Why would you fucking tell me that?

Name?

Name.

Lizzie Davis.

Or Elizabeth Davis or Lizzie.

- Which is it? - Lizzie.

- Position? - I'm a center back.

Hello.

Yeah, sorry.

This was a spontaneous decision for me, and I couldn't get childcare.

So here we are.

My mom was a bartender.

Used to take me to work with her all the time.

Told me shot glasses were kids' cups.

Good luck.

Name?

Thank you for the opportunity to play for you today.

My name is Maria Rojas, and I am from Guadalajara.

Rojas as in "Dani Rojas"?

Sí. He's my brother.

He taught me everything I know.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Go figure.

Step right up, step right up. Hi.

So, Elaine Pinter is no-nonsense, but I know how to handle her.

You just need to be assertive and direct.

- Good afternoon, Rebecca. - Elaine, hello. I'm calling because I--

No "how are you?" Just jump right in.

Is that how people do business these days, void of civility?

Apologies. How are you?

No need to placate me.

I assume you're calling because you heard I'm reconsidering the sponsorship.

Yes, and we both feel that would be a huge mistake.

Sorry, who's talking?

This is Keeley Jones, Chief Marketing Officer.

Rebecca, I do think these things are best discussed in person, one-on-one.

I'm in the office till 5:00.

Oh, shit. Shit, I screwed that up.

No, no, no, we're all in this together. I can handle her.

These CEOs are a peculiar breed.

Where are the offices?

Canary Wharf.

Oh, fuck me!

You're never gonna see me again.

This is useless. We're never gonna find anyone decent this way.

I got to say, Coach, you're being a little tough on something that was your idea.

It wasn't an idea. It was a joke.

Yeah, well, shoot, I bet all sorts of good ideas start out as jokes.

You've got to think the first fella that ate an egg

was just doing it to make his buddies laugh, right?

What?

Okay, this is everybody, including a late surprise entry

who might solve all of our problems.

An ace in the hole.

- Wait. - Uh-huh.

- Is she? - Uh-huh.

'Cause he was...

And we need... Plus the hair?

- Yes! - Which one is she?

- Yes, Jessie. - Never mind.

Let's go. We can do it.

Yeah. Go.

- Hey. - Hey.

Office is looking great.

Thank you. It looks good, right?

I always loved that article.

Listen,

they were some real fuck-knuckle bellends last night.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm good, thanks.

I'm a woman perpetually online,

so a bunch of men saying mean things to me is nothing new.

Well, these are your fans now.

You gotta make 'em happy.

Why?

I was making a joke. I was just--

Oh, s... I really should take this, sorry.

- Yeah. - Hello.

This is her.

- Yes, I saw your quote. - Fuck.

I just have some questions.

Come on in, y'all!

That's it, gather round.

Gather ye rosebuds.

All right. First things first, I wanna thank y'all for coming out.

You know, I know we got folks from all over the place.

Anybody here local? Anybody from Richmond? Okay, great, good.

Hey, Shannon. Good to see you.

- You too, Ted. - All right now.

Okay, well, here's the skinny, okay?

We're looking for two players, a couple of diamonds in the rough

that got the right stuff.

All you gotta do today is play hard, have fun, we'll see what's what.

- Is that cool? - Yes!

Okay, great. Everybody line up on the sideline.

- Touchline. - Touchline.

Holy moly. Pretty big turnout, yeah?

- Yeah. - This might take a while.

No, it won't.

Right. Down and back as fast as you can!

Oh, boy.

- Fit to run. - Yeah. Oh, my God.

They're dropping like flies.

Forty-six.

Oh, here we go.

- That was close. - You were.

Okay.

Yeah, no. I see what you.

- You're right, that makes things easier. - Nope.

Oh, my God.

Forty-two.

Go home, love.

Buckle your seat belts.

- Oh, that's just nerves. - Right, yeah.

That's okay. Give it another crack, Maria!

Okay.

Well, I fear the apple may have fallen a bit too far from the old tree.

And right off a cliff into the depths of hell.

- Maria! - Yes?

You said your brother taught you everything he knows.

Sí. Cooking, photography, software engineering.

You name it, I know it.

Football. Did he teach you football?

Nope, it's my first time.

But football is life.

No, dumb-dumb.

Life is so much more than football.

So true.

Not as catchy, but true.

- Come in. - Ms. Jones, good afternoon.

I just wanna say that everything's absolutely fine.

Oh, no, June, what is it?

Nothing. Just a little bump in the road is all.

- A hiccup, really. - June.

I'm sorry, I find it hard telling people bad news.

It's okay. Come here. You can always tell me.

Okay.

The kits for the match this Saturday haven't arrived yet, and I tried calling,

but the man on the phone was being less than helpful.

Fuck.

Well, I wouldn't categorize that as a hiccup.

It's gonna be okay.

Yeah, 'cause we're a team, and I am gonna take care of this.

And that's why I love having you as a mentor.

You know, I'd love to have coffee and pick your brain sometime.

What an interesting time to ask that.

Yeah.

Mister?

- Hi. - Are you strong?

Am I strong?

I mean, mentally or physically?

Kind of depends on the quality of sleep I had the night before.

Oh, yeah, I can help you out here.

Sure.

Taxes.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Who the hell is that?

Yours, Niamh. Press, press, press! What--

Mind your own man, yeah? You prick!

- Don't fucking come for me like that. - Get off.

- Here we go again. Uh-oh. - Jesus.

Twin fight, yes! Come on!

- Hit her very hard in her face! - Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

- Don't you get in my face. - Time's up. Niamh, shush.

Niamh, you should've pressed.

- And Siobhan... Uh-uh. Don't do it. - But--

You shouldn't be yelling at her when you're supposed to be defending--

- What... Exactly-- - No, stop.

- Just stop! Just shut up. Stop. - Okay. Yeah.

Let's work as twins. Let's work as a team, okay?

Interesting.

Good? Okay, crack on.

- Know your jobs. No. Uh-uh-uh! - Don't be shouting at me next time, yeah?

Yeah, okay.

Here, here, here, here.

No. No.

Wait, no, hold on.

Let's just keep an eye on her.

Thank you.

- Elaine. - Rebecca.

Oh, your granddaughters look beautiful.

That's my grandson on the far right.

Oh, so it is.

My apologies.

You know, Pinter & Sons,

I've always wondered, any relation to the playwright, Harold Pinter?

No.

No, I didn't think so.

Rebecca, we're happy to continue sponsoring the men's team,

but I have my concerns about the now apparent animosity

towards your women's team.

Animosity?

You people bankroll wars.

Wars are profitable.

All right, so what are we doing?

Two names left on the list that haven't been crossed out.

Okay.

Lizzie, by far the best player but not a striker.

And Shannon, not the best player and not a striker.

Boy. Life is just full of tough choices, ain't it?

Yeah. Okay.

Those in favor of Shannon?

Okay, interesting. All right.

What about Lizzie?

All right.

Hey, Lizzie. You got a sec?

Yeah.

Hey, you just stay there, okay? Just stay there.

I'll be two seconds. Good boy.

Hiya.

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate you considering me,

and I found that really fun, even if it was just for an afternoon.

Yeah, well, get ready to have a whole bunch more fun

'cause we'd love to have you on the team.

- No. - Yep.

- No. - Yep.

- Really? - Yes.

Practice is tomorrow at 8:00.

No kids.

Welcome to Richmond.

All right, thank you.

Did you make it?

Yeah, I did. Isn't that cool?

Oh, God. You nearly knocked me over.

Should we go home? Yeah.

Come on. Let's go.

Last shot for Shannon.

She's just not ready yet, Coach.

Yeah, and women's football is not a charity.

Right, okay.

All right, well, I'll... I'll let her know.

Shannon.

And you know, it's better if she hears it from him.

He's good at this stuff.

Not like me.

I've broken a lot of hearts out there.

- Thank you, thank you. - What?

- Seriously, thank you. - Thank you.

Seriously.

I won't let you down. I won't.

Welcome to Richmond!

She won't let you down.

We still don't have a striker.

Yeah, okay, we'll find one.

What... What about what's her name?

- Gemma. - Yeah, Gemma. What'd she say?

- She wouldn't even talk to me. - So not no.

Well, only way to know if it's a no, is if we go get a no, so we know.

- What? - You two are going on a field trip.

- Yep, tomorrow morning. - Fuck.

Oh, come on, it's worth a shot.

Besides, second time's a charm.

It's "third time's a charm."

Yeah, we don't have that kinda time.

I hear your concerns and I understand them, I do,

but what the report doesn't include is what I believe...

that this team,

given a chance, could be truly great.

We don't invest in chance.

But that's what sport is.

That's what life is, isn't it? A series of chances.

The chance for you to run this company,

a chance for you to start a family.

We took a chance creating this team.

Yes, for little girls to see

amazing athletic women doing incredible things on the pitch,

but equally important, so that little boys, just like your grandson,

can grow up in a world where they don't know any different.

And to do that,

we need to be given a chance.

By you.

I was wrong about Brexit.

I'll make a call.

- Thank you. - And thank you

for coming all the way down here.

I know it's a long haul,

but it's that level of professionalism and personalization

that this world is in desperate need of. Yes?

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, fuck a fucking duck!

I understand.

I'll have a quick dinner here and I'll see you at home.

My girlfriend had a work emergency.

Of course.

- This one's on me, sir. - Thank you.

All right, first day at school. Give me your rose.

My rose?

Probably that all the kids sound like they're straight out of Paddington.

And your thorn?

School.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Since your dad won't allow a Coke on school nights,

I thought I'd refill your chips for free.

Thank you, Mae.

Hey, Mae. Are you gonna show the match here on Saturday?

Oh, yeah. We'll just have to stream it 'cause it's not on regular telly.

But I won't be here.

- Why not? - I'll be at the match.

I've got a season ticket.

This is the most exciting thing that's happened in my entire fucking life.

I can hear the words, I just can't say the words.

- Exactly. Welcome to pub life. - Yeah.

Can I just say again how sorry I am about last night.

That would be appropriate.

But the silver lining, my waiter told me to meet his sister.

He tried to set you up on a date?

No, his sister's a therapist.

Right. Listen.

It's just that I'm used to us being a Friday, Saturday, Sunday kind of couple,

not a Monday to Thursday.

I understand,

but if you'd rather not have me here so you can focus, that is okay.

No, I love having you here.

Would you let me make it up to you?

Let's have a romantic dinner tonight.

I checked. They only have a 2:00 p.m. lunch.

Well, I think that a 2:00 p.m. lunch

is more romantic than a dinner.

I'll make myself free.

You are very persuasive.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Hi. I'm Ted Lasso, coach of the AFC Richmond women's team.

May we join you?

We want you to join the team.

Alice, I owe you nothing.

But, Ted, you do seem delightful.

And you're probably making this one's life hell at the minute,

which I would love to see,

because she's the reason I quit playing football in the first place.

Did she tell you that?

Well, this one's not much for stories.

Wasn't even sure she knew my name the whole time we played together.

She usually just called me "lazy cow."

That's because you were a lazy cow.

Would a lazy cow study to become a lawyer?

No way. Cow on a laptop?

There'd be typos all over the place regardless of its work ethic.

I'm not gonna lie. It's nice to be wanted.

Not worth being singled out every day.

Everything I do being picked apart.

Oh, my God, always the victim.

I was not just hard on you, I was hard on everyone.

You're just the one who quit.

Oh, do you know what? I knew this was a waste of time.

I rest my case.

You can move on to the next person on your list.

That's gonna be tough.

We're looking for a great striker.

I asked Coach if she knew any.

You were her whole list.

But, hey, it's nice to meet you.

You should come see a game sometime.

Fuck off.

Hello, how are you?

Cool. Well, I am here to pick up a very important package.

- It's a really big box of-- - Every package is important.

Yes, of course.

Tracking number?

It is 13788,

then JFKN.

It's out for delivery.

No, I... When I called earlier,

I was told that it wasn't gonna be sent out for delivery

because I was coming to pick it up myself.

Who did you speak to? Was it Derek?

I don't know.

Sounds like you spoke to Derek.

Okay, well... I would like to speak to Derek now, please.

He's not here.

You know what? I will wait for Derek.

While you're waiting, could you take part in this customer satisfaction survey?

Oh, you really don't want me to do that right now.

- Hey, Keeley, I just-- - I don't know where the kits are, Roy.

You what?

I just drove two fucking hours to a shipping facility,

only to find out that the kits are on a truck coming here,

even though I told Derek not to put them on the truck.

- What did Derek do? - Put them on a truck?

He put them on the fucking truck!

Are they here? No, of course not.

And I've just ruined our first match!

It's okay. It doesn't really matter. It's just a friendly.

Oh, just a friendly?

Just a friendly?

Women don't get friendlies, Roy.

We either succeed or we fail. That is it.

And that stupid report says that we're gonna fail, that I'm gonna fail.

You're not gonna fail.

You're Keeley Jones, Woman on Top.

Vanity Fair said so.

Fuck that article.

Fuck.

Right.

Oh, my God.

Ah, yes. Great question. Thanks, Sarah.

So, hearsay evidence is not admissible in a criminal trial.

However, there are circumstances where it could be considered admissible.

For example, when admission of evidence is in the best interest of justice.

For example, a witness is unavailable,

whether they died or are out of the country,

or fear for their safety.

For example, records kept during the normal course of trade or business.

For example, invoices. Account statements. For example...

Gemma, where are you going?

Bye.

Okay.

Sorry, where was I?

- For example. - Yeah, that's great. Thanks, Sarah.

For example...

A new day in Richmond

brings the dawn of a new era as AFC Richmond women prepare for their debut.

It's a moment that's been years in the making.

This is a club that well knows

you can't rush things when you need them to be perfect.

Please, please, please, please, please.

Oh, my God, I can't believe that you're actually here.

- Are you Miss Keeley Jones? - Yes, that is me.

Wait, I recognize you.

Woman on Top, yeah?

Yeah.

I fucking love Vanity Fair.

Fell off a bit when Graydon Carter left,

but hey, at least they've still got the Proust Questionnaire.

One sec.

Is something wrong?

No, this is amazing. Thank you.

- Have a good day. - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Hello, Roy!

Oh, hey. I was just calling to wish you luck today.

Wow! That is so nice of you. Thank you.

- Is everything okay? - Yeah, great.

AFC Richmond women are about to play their first ever game without their kits,

so everyone's gonna think this team is a joke,

but most of them already do, so it's not a big deal.

Anything I can do?

You could go back in time and steal the identity of a man named Derek

who works at the shipping facility and make sure my packages get to me on time.

Although, that is not the most responsible use of time travel, is it?

You should go back and encourage Hitler's art teacher

to be more supportive of him.

And then if you feel like swinging by 2025 on your way home

and dealing with the Derek thing,

I mean, you would be my hero through all the time.

So yeah, I'll see you in the future. Thank you.

Fuck.

Yo, game day. Come on.

- Hey, buddy, you okay? - Yeah,

I'm just finally watching this Susan Boyle audition.

She's the most talented woman on earth.

So true.

Hey, Gemma. What you doing here?

I'd like to play on the team. If you still want me.

Well, that works out great, 'cause we still do. Right, y'all?

Welcome aboard.

You quit law school?

No. I'm gonna do both.

One foot in, one foot out.

Well, hey, if it works for the hokey pokey.

Hey, June!

June, this right here is Gemma Jay, our new striker.

Backup striker.

And she's gonna be joining us today.

Can we get her a kit, please? Make sure she's all suited and booted?

Of course. Wait.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

- Okay. - Gemma, you can follow me.

We'll see how long she lasts before she quits.

Well, now, Coach, I feel compelled to remind you that you quit on my first week.

No, I resigned actually. It's very different.

Yeah, and flatulence is just a fancy word for fart, but they both stink.

Solid comeback.

Hi, how are you? I need 22 female football kits.

Like 45 minutes?

I am being very serious.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, shit.

Phoebe, what are you doing here?

Uncle Roy said you needed reinforcements.

Hi!

Good afternoon and welcome to Milk Park.

I'm Rebecca Lowe here with former European Championship winner, Jill Scott,

coming to you live on the Internet

as we prepare for the debut of AFC Richmond Women

against the visiting Hayes and Yeading in this historic friendly.

It's a momentous occasion, and the stadium is throbbing palpably.

A moment so grand, it could only be captured by streaming.

- So, Matthijs, how's your trip been? - Leslie...

Well, my lady stood me up three days in a row for dinner.

A waiter thinks I am pathetic,

but it has not rained. So that's good. That's great.

Yes, I had an ex who enjoyed being humiliated too.

He used to dress up as a baby and clean my toilet.

Yeah.

Nice kits. You dig 'em out a rubbish bin?

Yeah, the same one your mom left you in after you fell out of her arse.

Let's fucking go!

And here come Richmond in...

...unexpectedly unique new kits.

You won't see me judging a book by its cover,

no matter how blindingly bedazzled that cover may be.

They're perfect.

Of course, real uniforms would have been better, more professional.

Push!

Well, the pizzazz of the Richmond kits

has been the only exciting thing that's happened in the match so far,

and there's not much game time left.

They should have handed out

triple espresso shots with the rally towels today.

Of course, Richmond have just lost one striker to an ACL and one to a baby.

So, this moribund attack is not surprising.

Push. Push.

Do we have to go to all the women's games?

I mean, we're holding them defensively, but how many shots on goal we have?

- Zero. - Why does it feel like less?

Put Gemma in.

Worth a shot.

Worth a shot.

Hey, Gemma, you're going in for 23.

- Warm up. - Nah, I'm good.

- Nice to be young. - Yeah, and stupid.

And entering the game for Richmond...

I don't have this person listed on my notes.

A mysterious interloper, shrouded in the beguiling intrigue of anonymity.

Well, watching Richmond's number 47 for a bit,

we may have a speedster on our hands, Jill.

Whoever she is, she's quick.

And they've done it.

Richmond have won their debut game,

1-0 with a stunning goal by... whatever her name is.

Hey, Gemma, my verdict is great goal.

Thanks, Coach.

Next time, follow your shot.

- Well done, Gemma. - Great game.

Smashed it.

- Hi. - Congrats on the match.

Thank you. Not that it matters.

It was just a friendly, right?

Listen, I...

I'm sorry for adding to your stress this week.

That's okay. I'm sorry for being cuckoo bananas all week.

Were you? I didn't notice.

- What's that? - Oh, I commissioned my own report

on the sustainability of women's football,

something-something and something-something-something in Richmond.

I thought you might like to take a look sometime.

Thank you.

- Have a good night. - Yeah, you too, Roy.

Is it just yourself this evening, or...

Oh, no, someone's joining me. Thank you.

- Hello. - Where are you?

What do you mean where? I'm at the restaurant. Where are you--

Hello.

I'm sorry, I just had to make sure

you were actually here before showing my face again.

Oh, look, she exists.

Told you she's real. You can touch her.

Poor chap. Had to hire a whore to save face.