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From a young age,

I've had this relentless desire to be perfect.

Jessie Diggins!

This voice would say,

"You're not doing enough right now.

You need to work harder."

You have to be willing to suffer like nobody else.

And even when I knew,

"This is going to kill me..."

...I kept going.

This is the first time I've opened this and looked at this.

Winning the Overall Globe in '21.

First place in the Distance Cup, '21.

Falun, 2015 did not deserve it.

Why do you keep them in a box?

I mean, it's a piece of metal and it--

This is very cool.

This is something that you could work a lifetime to get, but...

it doesn't give you a free pass for life.

And so, I wanna wake up every single day

and earn the right to be proud of who I am and what I do.

And that's the way I feel

before every single season.

Here we are...

and there's our little girl!

Get to cat-- Hi, darling!

Hey, darling, are you gonna show us your crawling?

"You wanna see walking?"

Oh, here we go.

- Jessie! - Time take off!

Yay!

Hey!

Go!

Run, run, run.

That's right!

Tell Mommy who loves you.

- Daddy! - Daddy.

Before I was old enough to ski,

my parents would put me in their backpack

and I used to like yell at my dad

to go faster and faster.

She'd call it "Go super speed."

She'd put on a burst and we'd have a--

have a little sprint out, you know, back uh--

back in the day.

We had a camper.

While Jess was, probably about... maybe six.

And so, we did a lot of weekend camping at state parks.

And we have some great memories of just like,

you know, packing up the family and Crock-Pot

full of chili and going and skiing.

And, you know, we always tried to make sure

it was fun for the kids.

I thought it was so cool to be

zooming around on the trails and...

from a very early age,

I learned that this was such a cool way

to be with your family.

And eventually,

I wanted to start skiing faster and faster and...

definitely started to become interested in racing.

I think I was like 11 or 12.

And my dad found me at the finish and I think

he expected me to be cold and in tears and miserable.

And instead, I was like, "Dad, this was great.

I'm doing it next year, let's come back."

He was like, "Oh, okay.

She likes suffering, I guess."

So I think athletically, I take after my dad.

I just remember

one day he was out in the park.

He was, like, ten miles from his car

when he broke his foot running

and just ran back to the car.

And dad must have been in agony.

And he just... said nothing.

I have always been fascinated

with the mental side of endurance sports.

When your body is telling you,

it's like, "Okay, this-- It's time to back off."

Being able to push through from an athletic standpoint

was always fascinating to me.

And that was something that Jessie

was really interested in from an early age as well.

So what I would do is I'd get these VHS tapes

of some of the World Cup races.

And of course, Jessie would be

sitting there right alongside me,

you know, wanting to-- To know

what was going on and who the athletes were.

Seeing his passion for it was really cool for me.

And I remember just laying on the floor in the basement

watching the Olympics with my dad and thinking,

"I'm gonna win the Olympics someday.

Watch me do it."

So in seventh grade,

they put her on the junior varsity

high school team.

And one day,

one of the varsity skiers got sick,

they couldn't ski.

And so the coach said, "Okay, Jessie,

you're going in. You got five minutes to get ready."

I took off so fast.

I pushed myself...

so hard and was so focused.

But I also thought...

"...I'm going to die."

I kept pushing myself

without really thinking about what it was doing to me.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think,

I couldn't feel my legs.

I felt like I was gonna pass out.

I was in so much pain.

I'd never felt like that before.

Well, doesn't she win the race.

And all of a sudden, it's like,

"Whoa," then you've got coaches and everybody

looking at the timing sheets after. "Was there a mistake?"

"How did this little kid win in that?"

And a minute passed, and I was like, "Oh...

this didn't kill me."

I just realized, like, "Holy shit,

there's this whole next level."

And feeling that

extreme high and the rush after the race was...

...amazing. I remember thinking, like,

"I'm never gonna be able to race the same again."

Like, "Everything changes from this moment on."

She became a phenom all through high school.

Every race was a blowout.

Jessie Diggins is just a freshman,

but the Stillwater skier is the best in Minnesota.

On Friday, she easily won the State Nordic Ski Pursuit Championship

at Giants Ridge, capturing both the freestyle

and classical races.

When I saw the person behind me wasn't

going to catch me, it was really, really fun.

The first time I heard about Jessie,

she was probably 15 years old,

and she really stood out immediately.

I remember meeting her

at a regional elite group camp in Wisconsin.

And while everyone else was napping or

resting after lunch

or swimming,

Jessie wanted to work

on technique a little bit more.

You know, at the time, we

were just-- Thought this was the greatest thing ever.

Like, this athlete that just wants to work harder.

And I just remember thinking,

"This is who we should be recruiting."

So eventually, we did.

And she went from high school

to becoming a professional ski racer

as a member of the national team.

Jessica Diggins is up the first 1500 meters.

She's an incredible fighter though,

is, uh, Jess Diggins, out of Minnesota

Look at Jess Diggins on the podium

in the distance race.

What a fantastic day for the American team.

And look what this silver means! -

So you look super happy, tell me.

I am super happy.

This has been the best race of my life.

To be behind Kalla, who

I really admire so much, is...

like a dream come true.

I still have posters of these girls

up on my walls at home.

They-- You don't know that, but,

um, now you do.

She was still really young at that time.

So I thought, "All right, this is--

This is the start of something that's gonna--

That's just on-- gonna grow from here."

But, uh...

I think everything really changed for her...

...in Pyeongchang.

The United States hasn't won an Olympic medal in cross-country

skiing since 1976.

Several skiers hope to change that.

Team sprint final.

Six laps.

Kikkan Randall in the middle of the front row

of the United States.

Jess Diggins second for the U.S.

- Away we go then.

Kikkan Randall in the middle of the field.

It was a relay race.

Jessie was the last leg.

And Randall to Diggins.

Here we go.

And as they're dwindling down to that final lap,

it was pretty obvious, like, "Hey, it's down

to Norway, Sweden,

and United States.

As the roars rattle around

the cross-country stadium

in Pyeongchang, Sweden, the U.S.,

and Norway come into the line.

Here comes Diggins! Here comes Diggins!

Diggins making the play around Sweden!

- Jessie Diggins to the line! - Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Yes! Gold! - And it is Jessie Diggins

delivering a landmark moment

that will be etched in U.S. Olympic history.

The first-ever cross-country gold medal for the U.S.

Oh, what a performance from Jess Diggins.

I was so amazed and overwhelmed

that this had happened.

Your child's huge, huge, crazy dream

just came true right in front of your eyes, you know?

And it's-- It's just unbelievable.

The first-ever gold medal for

the United States in cross-country skiing.

And because of that, Jessica Diggins,

she has been selected as the flag bearer

for Sunday night's closing ceremony of Pyeongchang.

Good for her. That's very cool. - Right?

Please welcome 2018 Olympic gold medal

cross-country skier, and Minnesota's own,

Jessie Diggins!

My agent was like, "You can ask for

anything you want right now."

Like, "Do you wanna go to Disney World?

Do you want a car? What do you want?"

And I was like, "I want a World Cup in Minneapolis.

He was like, "Ooh, that's a big ask."

I've gotten the chance to race about 150 World Cups in my career,

not a single one of them has been in the United States yet.

It was so... incredible.

It changed my entire life trajectory.

And it just kept getting bigger.

Jessie Diggins...

Congrats, Jessie!

Jessie Diggins,

she's the most decorated

American cross-country

skier in Olympic history.

She does it all with her signature glitter brushed

across her cheeks.

All of a sudden, you're being told,

"You are the face of American skiing.

You're America's sweetheart.

Everybody's watching."

For me, it's so important to take care of my body,

and Chipotle is my go-to place.

You're getting asked to do all these events.

And I did 100 events in 50 days.

And for six years,

I just kept doing that.

I just...

...kept doing more and more and more.

I've gotten so good at being in pain while I'm skiing.

But in my life,

I was starting to get really good at

quietly being a little bit in pain

all the time.

I present to you tonight's keynote speaker,

Jessie Diggins.

Now, there are gonna be times when life gets hard.

And there are gonna be times when sport gets rough.

And that's when we lean on our support systems

to carry us through

so that we can continue to inspire the next generation.

And for the first time in over 20 years,

all those little kids are gonna have a chance

to be inspired by their heroes in person

at the Minneapolis World Cup in February.

I'm gonna get to race in front of the community

and the people who raised me,

who believed in me from the very first time I ever put on skis.

I'd heard this analogy of stress

as this bubble of water where you just keep

adding a drop at a time.

Thank you.

And the bubble grows and grows and grows...

...until suddenly it just bursts.

And...

that's kind of how it's felt.

But I just kept pushing past all these warning signs,

because I felt like...

"This is fine, this is fine, I can handle this."

But without even thinking about it,

it's something that I hadn't felt for quite a long time,

it came back.

In my senior year of high school,

I started having to wrestle with the...

go to college or don't go to college.

I had deferred enrollment

because I wanted to just go all in on skiing.

And I do remember getting

a lot of questions from other parents,

"What do you mean you're not going to college?

Everyone's going to college,

why would you turn this down?"

And for something so uncertain too.

At that time, the U.S. had very little funding.

The team was absolutely tiny.

To get on the U.S. ski team,

you had to be top 30 in the world.

So I kept thinking, if I could just train more

and train harder, I'll make the national team next year.

And I wanted to have a 4.0 GPA when I graduated

and I wanted to take all the college classes

and get all the college credits for them and

still be in the top level orchestra.

I was just trying to go 100%

in every single corner of my life

because I couldn't sit still

with the feeling that I was not enough.

She always had this desire to take on... more,

and in some cases, too much.

I remember the year that I was at World Juniors

and I saw all these girls who never touched their dessert,

who cut every single piece of fat off

of their meat and were all looking at each other's plates

and trying to eat as little as possible.

I remember looking around, being like,

"Why am I the only one eating this food?

I guess this is what I need to do."

My mom said when I came back, I was not the same.

My body was changing because

I was going through the second wave of puberty and,

like, training really hard and gaining muscle.

But I was always such a skinny little kid,

I was built like a little boy

and suddenly I didn't have

a little boy body and I hated it.

I couldn't stand being in my own skin.

I would judge myself for

eating a normal amount thinking it was too much

so I would go make myself run in the dark at night.

It wasn't normal, it wasn't good and I was so unhappy.

Her behavior had been getting stranger and stranger.

She wasn't... herself,

she wasn't her happy personality.

So at that point I said, "What's up?"

But she was not ready to share what she was feeling.

My parents tried many times to talk

and I always brushed it off.

"I'm fine, I'm busy, I have to go.

I'm leaving, I'm out the door, I'm late for training."

I became such a good liar.

Jessie was starting to

miss family dinners and say,

"You know what? I'm not hungry."

I would say like, "Oh, I'm-- I already ate"

like, "I don't need to come down to dinner."

And we always ate as a family,

like, every night we would sit around the table and

talk about our day and, like,

laugh and suddenly it was this scary thing

that I had to avoid at all costs.

To have your generally happy,

joyful child

become someone who's angry and

resentful and unpleasant,

it's just-- it was a total 180.

One day, I was going to work,

and I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

And I pulled into a gas station

and went into the bathroom and made myself throw up.

And I'd never done that before.

I wasn't even thinking, I just couldn't stand myself.

And I remember looking in the mirror...

...and I had tears just sliding down my face and I...

didn't recognize myself.

I felt nothing.

I didn't feel anything.

Suddenly this, like, roaring in my head of like,

"You are nothing, you are not good enough,

you will never be perfect", it just stopped.

And...

I remember thinking, "Oh, my God, I can make this go away."

As I headed into the season,

I could feel that voice that wanted me

to just disappear.

And it's made me feel really confused

because I thought I was past this.

But I found myself

trying to feel nothing again.

Two... One, two, three, go!

What she told me was that it

happened when I wasn't around.

And I think that's probably what made it

harder for me to hear, was like,

"Well, I'm here and you're in Vermont."

Oh, my God.

I would talk with her every day, we always do.

And I would just ask, "How are you doing?"

You know, like, um,

"Tell me about your day and how are you feeling?" And like, I would try and--

I would try and get at

the point without trying to--

I don't know, be too obvious or-- or be direct.

I didn't want to-- I didn't want her to feel like

I was concerned all the time.

Oh, can you open that jar for me, please?

Thank you.

I would go visit her on the weekends

and she told me she felt good when I was there.

And I was like, "Well, that makes me feel good."

But when the season starts,

we'll be across the ocean from each other for months.

I remember pretty early on in dating,

she told me that she had struggled with

an eating disorder years ago.

But this is my first experience with it

as it currently happening.

To date, it had always been...

...something that was in the background, in the past.

I was about to leave for the season.

And I started to wonder,

should I do this?

I started thinking to myself,

you could make the outside of your body

look as sick as you feel in your soul right now.

And then no one will ask you for interviews

and no one will ask you for anything.

And you can just rest.

And as I was grappling with this decision,

my phone rang and it was Matt calling me.

I was picking up on a jittery kid.

I did call Jessie, um--

And I said, "Jessie, you know, the reason I'm calling

is because, um,

like, you've been doing this for a long time

and I know there's pressure,

and I-- I just want you to know

um, I'm calling you as a friend,

and I'm saying, you don't have to do this."

It was like, somehow he had read my mind.

He gave me permission.

Like, "If you are secretly searching for an out

and you are just hoping someone will give it to you, here it is."

And I didn't take it.

I can't...

You want me to stop it, Jessie?

I remember her saying to me,

"I feel like I use sport and competition to stay on track."

And I said, "Okay.

If that's the truth,

then let's go."

We got a lot of skis.

Oh, boy.

The first time I was sick...

...I was a teenager.

And I was ashamed.

This time, I wanted to be an open book

right from the start.

So it looked a lot different and it felt different.

She told me that she was going to

tell everyone publicly about

going through this again.

We talked about it at length about whether or not

that was a good idea.

I was of the opinion that it was not a good idea

to share publicly, that, um...

it would open herself up to... ridicule.

But Jessie is nothing if not honest.

Hey, everyone. I have something I want to share with you,

although it isn't easy.

Um, after 12 really great years of health,

I've been struggling with my eating disorder this summer.

Sometimes we project that in order to be successful,

you have to be perfect, and struggle with nothing.

And that's just not real life.

It's okay if you need to lean on your support team.

Okay, so, this is a press conference. -

You've done a million of these.

You're f-- you're okay.

You're allowed to be vulnerable.

Okay?

- Hi, Jessie. - Hey, Rachel.

Good to see you.

Um, I wanted to ask you

a little more about your-- your perspective

on mental health

after having had a relapse.

Yeah, um, that's a great question.

I think, um...

...part of the problem was I started

putting more and more pressure on myself again.

Um, I started

getting back into this idea

that I have to be perfect.

And, now, I wanted to find out what, um,

specific goals you have for this season in terms of races.

Yeah, um, I'm just

focusing really on

one day and one week at a time.

Um, so I have not been putting the pressure on myself

of setting season-long goals.

And I hope everyone understands that

when I do have a race bib on,

it's because me and my whole care team

have agreed that this is-- this is good.

And it's right for me to be there.

And it's okay for me to be there.

So, um...

you know, when I do race, it's-- it's because I-- I want to.

Thank you so much for your question, Cindy.

I am gonna drag one from the chat real fast.

How you doing? Relieved?

- I'm so glad that's done. - Yeah.

Good...

- Yeah. - God.

It's the FIS Cross-Country Ruka Opener,

and it's Ruka in all its winter glory.

You can hear the squeaking of the snow.

And that tells you it is cold.

Talking about my relapse publicly,

I knew this was basically just exposing myself.

It was putting this massive target on my back.

And I was really nervous about that.

So I feel pressure to prove,

like, "See? I'm okay.

I can be here, I can race.

Look, everyone. Look how fine I am."

I wanna prove that I can do it so badly.

Diggins on the right side

in the fourth row,

a few people ahead of her.

A little bit of a scary entrance into this course.

It's very fast. You've got 55 athletes

going down this hill. What are you gonna do

just to stay on your feet here?

Who's gonna lead? Who's gonna make that bold move?

Jessie, making the move here.

I mean, clearly, this is-- this is a good move for her.

She knows she's got the durability.

18.6 kilometer time check.

- 1.4 kilometers to go and-- Oh! - Jessie just lost a pole.

Jessie Diggins doesn't have a pole.

Doesn't have a pole!

What's going on out there?

Oh, that's a-- that's a-- that's a tough

place to-- for that to happen.

The worst place. Now, Diggins has to spend that energy

she would have used to try to win the race

to just get back into it.

And the concern too, of not having a glove on

with the cold temperatures.

Diggins at the back of that group, still

with a bare hand before this big climb.

And almost a fall, but they avoid disaster.

Into the final climb, they come.

And you can see the scattering of the athletes.

Diggins on the left! Moving past the group of people.

So distinctively, Jessie Diggins

moves right into the fourth spot.

Now, taking control on the final climb.

Diggins is going by on the outside.

And it's-- Oh! It's gonna be Ilar and Diggins

trying to win this.

Miraculously finding the energy.

It's gonna be Moa Ilar first, Diggins second.

A miraculous race with a broken pole, lost glove.

Diggins has a bloody-- Looks like she's got a bloody lip there.

Something may have happened.

I was concerned that it took

so many people to, like, kind of escort Jessie

away from the finish line.

I think that shouldn't happen.

As hard as you go in a race,

that depth of exhaustion

cannot happen week in and week out

and expect you to get through even one period.

Accidents happen...

...and in that race they did.

But I was really proud of myself

for doing everything that I could.

The only way I can cross that finish line

and look at myself in the mirror and be proud

is if I know I gave the best I can.

And that's what I did.

The cross-country tour moving to

Gällivare from Ruka, and bitterly

cold conditions meeting the athletes in a town

just north of the Arctic Circle.

Individual start in cross-country means that

one athlete starts every 30 seconds

and that pacing becomes much more

of a key factor because you are racing against the clock.

Anybody who's mastered an individual start

is who knows their body the best.

So we take now a look at Jessie Diggins

in the women's freestyle 10k interval start.

At 3.9k, Jessie Diggins is in the lead right now,

nine seconds ahead of...

Come on, Jessie! You are race lead

by nine seconds! Race lead by nine!

I feel in control of me

when I'm on the racecourse.

That's where it's so powerful and confident

and I know what I'm doing.

And I've never had any doubt about that.

Come on, let's lead them on 16!

15-second lead, let's go, kid!

Come on. Up, up!

Diggs is turning the screws right now.

She has increased her lead over Ebba Andersson

to 19 seconds.

The 19-second lead is

seven kilometers over Ebba.

Love the, uh, fourth climb on the hill.

She's looking great.

Diggins across the line and with a time that

no one else will touch.

End of the lead by 23.1 seconds.

Jessie Diggins is now your overall World Cup leader.

The winner today, from USA,

- Jessie Diggins!

It seems that you like the cold.

In Ruka, without the glove, you--

you-- you won second and here-- you win.

- It's amazing. - Well, it's a good thing,

we're staying up in the Arctic Circle for a while then.

Given the struggles you had this summer,

you were only gonna focus in-- on

having fun, enjoying racing

and not think about the results.

But now you're having great results. -

- Like how do you manage that? - Isn't that ironic?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, uh, no one's more surprised than me.

I can promise you that.

Are you having fun right now?

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

What's one thing that you have to do pre-race?

The glitter.

And this year I got some new glitter.

It matches our suit.

It's a little purple.

I'm very excited about it.

Um, so the glitter has to--

And the hair braiding, two things.

Um, but the glitter is probably the most important

'cause it's the reminder that this is supposed to be fun,

and that I get to be here and I want to do this...

...and it's my choice to do this.

There's been a lot of leading questions about

what does it mean to be in the yellow bib

and "How important is this to you?"

And I don't really know how to say it, like...

it creates so much stress and pressure.

It comes with so many eyes

and so many interviews and so many cameras.

And I feel so incredibly watched all the time.

When I would have a conversation with Jessie

during the week, I wasn't getting the Jessie that I knew.

She didn't sound like an Olympic gold medalist.

She sounded like she was super nervous

and almost like she hadn't done this before.

She seemed to be compensating...

for something.

This is something Jessie has always been good at.

Yeah, 10k free is her best event.

She is the defending world champion,

which she won by a clear margin

in Planica last year.

I think Jessie Diggins' performance

is one that makes you sit up and go, "Wow,

that's pretty spectacular."

She has more pain tolerance

or doesn't feel the pain that other people do.

And the winner of the race once again

- from the United States,

- Jessie Diggins!

Tell us a little bit about the race today.

Yeah, I felt like I was flying out there.

That was-- That was so fun. Those downhills were amazing.

So I'm gonna be colorblind and not look

at what color the bib is and just say, "I don't care.

I'm just gonna go out there and have fun."

How did you feel out there?

That was really fun, um...

It--

Thank you.

Um...

Such a fun course.

And I saw you give Matt a big old smile.

Yeah, that's my new thing this year

is trying to smile more mid-race.

Um, it's working out for me.

Okay.

Something Jessie has always said to me...

...is that, "When I'm in a bad place,

I can be the world's best liar.

I will make you think that I'm okay

and that I'm not struggling."

I felt like this was one of those times.

And I don't know that she saw that,

but I definitely felt like I was getting a mask.

Other people were picking up on that, too.

I had a lot of people bring up

concerns to me in the last week,

like, "You don't look good,

you look sick."

It was hard to hear because

I felt fine.

And I'm someone who's really in tune with my body,

It's my job to be.

If I wasn't doing well, my body would tell me.

I don't see someone who looks sick.

I see someone who looks like they can

go out there and crush a ski race.

And it's made me incredibly self-conscious.

And... I have started to

pull away and isolate myself from my teammates.

Jessie stayed in first, of course.

The very first time I met Jessie in 2011...

...she had mentioned that she had some body image issues.

And, uh, at the time, we were just like,

"Well, I don't know what the problem is." I mean, like,

"Your racing weight looks good, don't worry about it."

And we just kind of were like, like, "You're fine."

We can't afford to make these mistakes again.

So in Trondheim,

we got her a Body Comp.

I'm gonna take your feet, we're gonna

spread them apart. And then I'm gonna put a strap

to help keep that position.

We are going to scan your left hip first.

I'm sorry, I have to have a weight, just guess,

it doesn't have to be precise.

What, like 120, 11 to 18?

- Sure... Yeah. - I mean, you're tiny.

The results of the comp were shocking,

lower than anticipated.

And people on the medical team were like...

"...That's too many red flags."

Her body's right on the razor's edge right now.

And she could harm herself long-term.

We told her that, "You're not going to continue to ski.

That is gonna ruin you.

You will not make it to the end of the winter.

You've asked us to stop you when you're sick...

...we think you're sick right now."

Last night, I had a dream.

I was in a hospital,

walking down a hall with a lot of people around me,

and we turned into a room.

And there was this...

...big chair that had...

all these straps on it and, like,

buckles that would go around your wrists

and your feet.

And...

it became really obvious to me that

they were about to...

...strap me down and feed me through a tube.

And I started screaming and kicking

and then I woke up.

And I was curled up in such a tight ball that

every muscle in my body hurt.

And that was 3 a.m. And I couldn't really

get back to sleep after that.

I'm...

having these nightmares...

...because...

...I feel like decisions are being made about my body

without me in the room.

And that's...

...been really scary for me,

not feeling any control.

Like, please don't take this from me.

I don't want my career to just... end,

not like this.

She called us to tell us

that she couldn't continue skiing,

and I was worried.

You know, as a parent, you can kinda see

there's a car crash coming.

When Jess was 18...

...one day she came up for breakfast

and she had a broken blood vessel

in one of her eyes, and...

I was like, "How did that happen?"

And the story didn't make sense,

and somehow things started to fill in.

Jessie and my mom were speaking in the bathroom

and she was crying.

And I was like, "Mom, what's going on?"

And she started crying, and, like,

my parents don't really cry a lot.

So then I went, um, and then

I held her and we just cried together for a minute.

Um--

And that was when I was like...

"...Okay, this is really serious."

I don't know how I knew

that maybe that was a sign of

vomiting, but

all of a sudden I just kinda went,

"Oh, this is really bad", you know? And--

And so I-- I just sat her down right there

and discussed going to treatment.

And I... was in complete denial

that I needed help.

And going to therapy when you don't really want to talk

and you're not really interested in recovery

doesn't really work.

She was seeing this therapist,

but she actually wasn't really getting better.

And she was engaging in more and more destructive...

behavior.

I just sort of bluffed

my way through it while I got sicker and sicker.

At my very sickest,

I would throw up my breakfast, my lunch and my dinner.

And I was still going out and training twice a day for hours.

And I could feel my heart,

like, hammering against my ribs.

My body couldn't take this,

and I still had that voice saying,

like, "You still need to go train," like,

"You still can't be allowed

to keep your lunch down."

Like, "You still can't."

Just, "You can't, you can't, you can't."

All the time.

She was having some workouts where

she was really shaky afterwards and jittery.

They did some testing and said,

"With the test results that we have,

you are, uh-- verge of imminent heart attack.

You should not be upright, much less working out."

Hi, Jess!

The risk for death from eating disorders

is rampantly too high.

Living with an eating disorder

is living with a ticking time bomb.

An American gymnast has died

after a battle with anorexia nervosa and bulimia.

TJ's heart gave out on Valentine's Day.

He was a star athlete.

Undereating is a common

and growing problem.

...motivated by athletic performance.

It becomes an addiction.

And it's not getting better,

it's getting worse.

You can wake up one morning and feel reasonably fine,

and you can do the same behaviors you did yesterday

and that you plan to do tomorrow,

and you could die that day.

I would wake up at night thinking,

"I wonder if she's still alive."

And go up and check on her in her bedroom

because I felt like, you know, any morning

I could wake up and, and-- Jessie would be gone.

I called the intake program and was told, "She's 18.

This has to come from her,

there's nothing you can do."

My mom had done a bunch of research

and said, like, "There's this recovery center.

Please just do this for me."

Like, "I will hold your hand.

I will dial the numbers and press the green button."

And I really fought it.

But then I--

I agreed just to appease them.

It was like a full-time job, like, I would show up at 8 a.m.

And you had your individual therapist

and then there were group therapy sessions.

We talked about those deepest fears and the way

that I hated myself and the way I saw myself, and...

turns out a lot of the things that I said to myself,

these other women were like, "Yeah, I get that.

You don't need to say that to yourself,

you're worth so much more."

And...

I remember getting up

and, like, quietly leaving the room,

like, shutting the door

and then running to the locker room

and just sitting on the floor and sobbing.

Because a total stranger

in five seconds had shown me more compassion

than I had shown myself in the last year.

I felt like I was never gonna be able

to do the same for myself.

At that time,

Clay's father suddenly became very ill.

And we ended up finding out

that he had advanced cancer

that had been undetected.

And so, all of a sudden,

while this was going on with Jessie,

we were taking care of Clay's dad who was...

clearly dying.

He had days left to live

and we all took turns

sleeping there.

And when it was my turn to spend the night in the hospital,

I remember when he woke up in so much pain

in the middle of the night and feeling like

there's nothing I can do to make this better.

That was the only time my dad showed pain.

The only time my dad ever cried.

And I realized that, that's what

I was putting my family through.

They were seeing me destroying myself...

...and there was nothing they could do to help me.

If I don't stop, if I keep going like this,

it might be a week.

It might be months, it might be a year, it might be years,

but eventually, I will die.

And I can't put them through this.

Being unsure if she was able to continue racing,

I called up the head of the Emily program

who I'd come to know over the years and said,

"We need some help."

Jessie needed to get into some really expert care.

She'd been trying to find her way

out of this relapse with help,

but not with

the expert help that she needed.

What we should have done is had that

specialist in place beforehand.

That person was brought in and

she made a plan with Jessie and got us all on board with it.

So that Jessie could have this chance

over Christmas

to get herself back on track.

I didn't realize that my body was getting so small.

Because when I look in the mirror,

what I see isn't what other people see.

And that's a part of my brain that's always been there.

Now that I know how bad it is,

I realize that where I'm at is not okay.

And I want to get better.

- Let me, um-- - Am I doing this wrong?

No, I'm directing you to-- to dairy-free sauce.

But I've got some more noodles cooking for you.

- Okay. - Rice noodles are there, start with...

- Um... - If a patient says,

"Well, I would like to be able to compete

in the next event that I have coming up."

You say, "Okay, to do that,

you need to be able to rest more than you are

and you need to be able to nourish better,

and your dietician is gonna tell you exactly how."

That's what the ticket to ride looks like.

I have to take pictures of all the food that I eat

and send it as proof

that I'm doing what I need to be doing.

And that is incredibly socially awkward.

But I'm going to do whatever I have to do.

And I think she knew

this is not something that

you just snap your fingers

and it's solved.

It's that, "Okay, I have to work on this.

I need support."

So we made the decision.

We went and-- and spent Christmas

um, in Italy with her.

Okay.

In my mind, I was like,

"Jessie needs us and she is not

gonna spend Christmas alone."

It was pretty emotional to be able to just be together.

And I think, you know,

at that point, Jessie really needed that.

You're gonna put all five of them?

Yeah? Let's do it.

That one's a little-bitty one.

We'll do it.

It would-- just felt like a sigh of relief

to see her with her family...

- Two more? - No, no.

- We-- let's stick with that. - I feel like...

...her face looked...

...happy to me.

I started to feel like I can do this.

I was waiting on blood labs to come back

and a bone scan to come back...

...and everything came back looking better.

My doctor,

she said, "You can start to ski again,

as long as you are progressing

and moving in the right direction."

And so... we started to feel that

if Jessie can continue to work with her doctors...

...we've gotta let her race.

I always remind my patients

that eating disorder recovery

is really, really hard.

Your digestion's likely slowed down,

you're feeling full, you're feeling bloated.

It's also really psychologically painful

because the eating disorder voice can get louder

in those first eight weeks

in ways that are excruciating.

The Tour de Ski stages a whopping

seven races over nine days.

- It is a grueling multi-day feat. -

Three-time Olympic medalist Jessie Diggins

approached this year's Tour de Ski

with a whole lot of guts and a big work ethic.

The Swedish TV, they noticed that you are

talking to yourself during the race.

What are you doing out there?

Wow, I really didn't think people were gonna pick up on that.

When I was younger,

I think I had this idea that it was going to be this perfect

linear line to recovery.

"Couple weeks, bam, I'll be out of here. It'll be good."

And it's not like that,

it's two steps forward, one step back.

It's this constant effort.

Sometimes it's a battle to just

- go through one day.

Are you able to be describe when the...

eating disorder came back,

and how you're struggling?

How are you doing?

I don't know.

I just feel like...

"Wow", like I really have to fight

every single day to keep this going.

It's just, like--

It's just a lot.

Like, my stomach hurts all the time.

I'm not sleeping.

I'm, like, hot all the time.

Like my body's just going.

Um, and it can't turn itself off.

And so, it just feels like--

you're just, like...

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't-- I don't know.

Sorry.

The final stop before the World Cup

heads to the US for the first time

in over two decades

here at the Canmore Nordic Center.

And there is Jessie Diggins

hoping to find the podium today.

Jessie Diggins,

long season for her,

but she has managed to avoid

any real dips in her performance this season.

So she'll wear the yellow bib

as the World Cup overall leader.

Take your starting positions!

Set!

Diggs is gonna be at the top of the first hill.

Great skiing by Jessie up the first climb.

Yeah, 10-4.

And Diggins is now being challenged by both

the German, Norway in the red suit.

And Jessie Diggins

- will not move on.

She will be beaten out, it looks like,

by less than a tenth of a second.

Diggins loses a spot

the first time this season

that Diggins will finish outside the top 12

in a sprint competition.

She has one more chance to topple

the Swedish and Norwegian juggernaut

who have nearly stolen the show in Canmore.

Okay, at 1.1 Jessie, 12 seconds out of the second.

Jessie, number five.

Jessie did not take a feed, Benny.

If anyone seemed to be falling off the pace,

it was Diggins.

Jessie was asking for which lap she was on,

if everyone can tell her she's on her last lap.

She is number 15. Currently, she's five seconds back.

She's all by herself.

The winner from Sweden

Frida Karlsson!

...it's Jessie Diggins

in 10th!

It was her second worst showing of the season.

She retained that yellow bib, but it's by the tightest of margins...

The Swedish expert was talking about doubting you and--

and that you're not in the right shape to win this.

Eh, what do you make of that?

The voice in my head loves that sort of thing.

All I could hear was, "It's you."

Like, "You're too slow, you didn't do enough."

And you can completely tank everything

you just worked for.

You did a good job. Nice work.

Oh, I can't, just...

Um, you wanna go sit in, uh...

I just feel like...

...I don't wanna let people down.

There's not a single person that is gonna be

disappointed with you.

The globe is just like this thing and it's been,

of course, at the top of the goals

and of course, like, yeah, we all want you to win it.

But it isn't the end of the world.

It's as, like, simple and trivial as that.

All we can do is...

just, like, our best, and--

- and try and-- - Yeah.

Try and breathe a little bit.

Sometimes splash some cold water on our face -

if we're just, like, feeling a little anxious.

I mean, it was just kind of hard yesterday 'cause I

couldn't make my body move.

Yeah. It just takes, like, one bad day,

- Yeah. - and two bad days, I guess it was, but--

Yeah, I-- I mean,

maybe that's just why I'm struggling with it 'cause...

...the more pressure I feel, the harder it is to...

...eat.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a chance that my eating disorder

is just morphing

towards just not eating,

- Yeah. - being the problem.

- Yeah. - Um...

just, like, not eating enough.

Do they have strategies for fueling, like,

when you don't feel like eating?

When...

my eating disorder makes me feel, like--

Like it's hard for me to eat,

there isn't room

to feel, like, grateful or, like, loved.

Yeah.

And...

...so if I try to bring those things back, then it--

The opposite is true, there isn't as much room

for my eating disorder voice.

- Mm-hmm. - Like, if I'm f--

If I'm like, with people and I feel really, like,

connected, that voice doesn't have as much space.

- Hey, come here. - Hey, take that off.

Good morning. He's a happy boy.

That's good manners.

No, I-- I like garlic.

Doesn't that smell great? - Yes.

Nothing smells better...

- Onions... - ...than cooking onions, so...

- I-- No, I actually-- - Garlic...

Garlic and butter smells better than onions... - Come on!

- I like garlic. - Yeah, I'ma say that.

Says the je ne sais quoi.

Right. Actually, the bread baking...

All right, here we go. Brining everybody all together.

Yeah?

Wow, Dad.

Mm-hmm. That is something.

Mm-hmm. That's--

Amazing.

When I was little,

I used to dream that I could fly.

I used to love those dreams,

like, I'd wake up so happy.

Last night, I dreamed that I could fly.

And it was the first time I'd had one of those dreams

in, like, a really long time.

Um, but there was this weird twist, where,

in order to, like, stay up in the air, you had to,

like, eat enough because it...

just, like, burned energy in your body.

And if you didn't,

all of a sudden, you would just start crashing down.

I dream a lot.

Jessie, you're in town for a couple days, presumably.

Uh, is there anything locally you're looking forward

to sharing?

Honestly, my husband gets here tonight,

and I haven't seen him since November.

And-- So mostly, I'm just excited to spend time with him.

Uh, that's, like, my number one priority.

Can I help you get anything ready? Or ready it up, Jess?

- Mm, no. - Okay.

Oh.

- Typical. - I love you, hon.

- Bye, love you. - Bye.

Good luck, we'll be cheering.

The best cross-country skiers in the world

are in town right now, ready to compete

in the Loppet Cup.

Big reason this event is here is because of

decorated cross-country skier

and Minnesota native Jessie Diggins.

How long I've waited for one of these bibs to say "Minneapolis."

For the first time in more than two decades,

the biggest event in cross-country skiing

is in the United States.

People, approach this...

entire weekend with love.

It's what makes our community strong.

It's why we're gonna see some great racing today.

Have fun, everyone!

Jessie! Jessie! Jessie! Jessie!

When we got to the race,

the course was packed.

- And as we were walking in,

we heard this roar,

and it was circling the course.

You could hear it, like, literally going

around the course.

And as we got closer, we realized

the roar was following Jessie

as she was warming up.

That moment was right up there with the gold medal.

And the crowd is just erupting for her.

Jessie Diggins, she's one of our own!

She's one of our own!

She's one of our own!

Jessie Diggins, she's one of our own!

Her biggest victory ever,

who's clinging the Loppet Cup

for Minneapolis, for Hasting, Minnesota,

this is Jessie Diggins!

There she goes, deep!

Is she’s gonna ride another...?

There she is, the most decorated American,

cross-country skier in history.

And listen to the crowd.

Diggins digging deep!

She's still into se-- third place.

Just go. Yes!

Third place for Jessie Diggins!

Diggins got...

But she's gonna be on the snow because she

- gave everything she could. - Oh, yeah.

All hail the cross-country queen of Minnesota,

Jessie Diggins.

Minneapolis!

I think today showed that it was more than results.

It was so much about just the influence

that you can have on others with this sport.

Oh, I mean, yeah, I could have been

last by 27 minutes.

This is everything I've ever dreamed of.

This has been the best weekend of my whole career by far.

Oh...

Oh, I wanted that so bad.

- Thank you. - Yeah, nice.

- Jessie! - Oh, my god, thank you!

Jessie!

Have you done that before? Like that?

Not like that.

Is that what Taylor Swift feels like?

- Maybe. - What the hell?

That was crazy.

Wow.

I know exactly what you're feeling.

When I was really sick,

I thought that was just going to be my life.

I truly believed I would never feel worthy of love.

And for so many years, I've tied my self-worth...

to my results...

...how fast I skied, how much I achieved.

And in some ways,

Jessie the skier

is never going to feel like she's enough.

But I have to keep those two things really separate.

Why I would be worthy of anybody loving me,

including myself.

It has to be separate from how I perform.

Maybe I'm always going to be working on this,

and maybe I'm always gonna be working on myself and my brain.

And I'm okay with that

because it means that I'm not giving up.

And I'm trying to get to a better place.

But it's fucking hard.