Original subtitles

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

[Woman] Morning Brenda!

Hello, Wendy, Mandy.

Lucy, Marie.

-Well good morning. -Phil.

How you doing?

Just see how you're getting on.

I just want to see you in that deck chair.

Go on, light's perfect.

Oh, okay.

Yes.

-Oh! -Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you're ready, just give us a nod.

Oh, doll, what?

That is just perfect.

[Carol] Stan you're as dull as dishwater.

I wanted to try something different.

Well you should have told me.

-I did tell you. -No, you didn't.

Yes I did and you said why would I want to do Zumba.

I never said that.

Yes, you did.

You said it sounds like something you'd put on a cold sore.

Oh yeah well, I did say that,

but I didn't know it was dancing did I?

I didn't even know you liked dancing.

That's 'cause you've never asked me.

Might have know this would be my fault.

Well fine.

And just for the record,

I'm as dull as ditchwater not dishwater

and it's a decline in testosterone not tostesterone.

If you think I'm gonna stand here and listen to this,

you've got another thing coming.

Think coming.

Think.

What?

Yeah, yeah I know mate,

but let's face it younger women are more palatable.

Excuse me.

Oh, for goodness sake.

[women chattering]

I'm really sorry Mr. Astill,

I had no idea that ring was yours.

Why would you, lad?

Doesn't matter now anyway.

She can Zumba till her feet fall off.

[Jason] Why are men like carpets?

I don't know lad, why are men like carpets?

'Cause if you lay them out the first time

you can walk over them forever.

Yeah well this carpet is fraying at the edges.

-Oh, oh. -You all right?

Yeah, just a bit of chafage from that spinning class.

Let's have the sea in the background.

Lovely.

Afternoon Stan.

Phil, Brenda.

-Stan, Jason. -Hi.

Nice orchid.

Thanks.

From the Greek orchis, if I'm not mistaken.

Oh, what does that mean?

Testicle.

Phalaenopsis orchidaceae, they're a symbol of virility.

Wishful thinking, eh Stan?

Brenda's been telling me about Weston in Bloom.

Oh yeah?

I really think you should enter this yeah, Stan.

What's Weston in Bloom?

Floral decoration contest.

Oh, yeah.

We've go that in the locker.

No, I don't do that kind of thing.

Good old Stan.

Always the same.

Yeah, well I've never been good with competition.

Oh, I dunno.

I reckon you could hold your own if push came to shovel.

Okay, well.

See you later, yeah?

Bye all.

I'll get that ring back for you, Mr. Astill.

How are you going to do that?

Got my sources init.

Yeah of course.

Well, I'm glad one of us is having some luck

with the Porter women.

Come on.

Oh, I got an exercise class to get to.

Testicle, eh?

So are we decorating the sea front

with a load of bollocks Mr. Astill?

Makes a change from talking it, don't it lad?

[both laugh]

Right, gently does it.

Cup it.

That's it, use your finger and tickle it.

That's it.

Is today the day the mayor's coming, Carol?

Oh, yes Grace.

Isn't it exciting?

I should probably make myself scarce

before he arrives, eh?

Well, red hatters of Weston-Super-Mare,

I declare the AGM formally open.

[women cheer]

Oh for goodness sake.

Where's Sarah?

With the loo paper.

Don't worry about them Carol.

They all have their granny nappies on.

Yeah well I haven't

and I'm about to have my photograph taken next to the mayor

diddling up and down like a cat in a hot tin pot.

Just drip dry Carol.

Excuse me, ladies.

[Woman] Okay.

Brr.

It's like a fridge in here.

Carol's going through the change.

Good for her.

Best thing she'll ever do.

Ah yes, it's the start of a wonderful journey.

When I came out the other side I got a divorce

and a belly button ring.

Snazzy.

Live, love, laugh ladies.

[women laugh]

Live, love, laugh?

Why can't people just grow old gracefully?

Belly button ring at her age.

I always said you should never have more holes in you

than there's strictly speaking necessary.

I dunno.

I think you'd look good with a ring through your nose.

Shut up Jack.

Well, the first item on the agenda

is the graffiti on the underpass.

So did you manage to get that spray paint?

Oh yes.

Look at them.

Aren't they wonderful?

I hope I'm like that when I'm their age.

You are their age, Carol.

Well, I wouldn't be seen dead in a red hat.

That's how you could tell the prostitute during the war.

-How? -If they wore a red hat.

Well trust you to know that.

Red hat, no knickers.

Shut up Jack.

Red hat, no knickers?

I just cleaned those chairs.

Item two on the agenda is the sponsored skinny dip.

[women giggle]

All right Derek?

Hello young Chloe.

Oh, gross.

Oh, I know.

I reckon one of them seagulls had a Ruby Murray last night.

So, lucky for some.

What are you reading?

Ibiza.

I'm trying to convince Sarah to go on a road trip.

I didn't know you could drive.

I can't, I'm on the way to my test now.

Oh, first time?

No, eighth.

Oh, suddenly feel a bit sick.

Don't let the nerves get to you girl.

Keep an eye out for that seagull.

You just need a bit of luck, that's all.

I don't need luck, Derek.

I need an examiner who's not choosy

about which way I go around the roundabout.

Later, Derek.

Later, bye, good luck.

Mum's therapist told my mum I need a job.

You've got a job.

A proper job.

You're a living statue.

She says I need to supplement my income.

Have you got an income to supplement?

No.

That's why I need a proper job.

What's the interview for?

Candy floss fluffer on the pier.

Aha, proper job.

[bell rings]

All right?

-All right. -All right.

All right.

Nice arm patches.

Second hand?

Vintage.

You look like a geography teacher.

-Cool. -Cheers.

See you at the photo.

-Laters. -Laters.

Laters.

All right?

All right?

Is it okay if is Ava's in the photo?

Yeah of course.

Why wouldn't it be?

No reason.

She wanted me to check.

So two weeks 'til the big day.

What big day?

Your wedding.

Oh yeah.

So, what do you want to do for your stag do?

Ah you choose.

I'm easy, I'll do whatever you want.

Okay.

Prague.

No, don't want to go abroad.

Oh, okay.

So what do you want to do?

Beach barbecue with beers and my mates.

Okay.

Weymouth.

Oh yeah.

No, Weston?

Richard, it's your stag do!

Ava's only going cheerleading

up the Dragon for her hen do, so I don't want to go too far

in case she wants me to walk her home.

Afternoon.

All right, Jason.

Hi.

Want to come to my stag do, Jase?

Oh cheers, yeah.

Where you gonna go?

There.

[laughs] You are the worst best man in the world.

It's not my idea, I said Prague.

Sounds great, I'll see you later.

All right, laters.

Laters.

Jason seems nice.

Yeah, I think so.

Oh.

-[slow guitar music] -[birds squawking]

Soz.

Oh, you been making that compost?

Come on.

Oi, concentrate.

You, in.

Thank you.

Oh, about time.

Oh my God, mother.

I'm packing peanuts in here.

[Carol] I've got a temperature.

Is that what you call it?

Hello ladies.

[Ladies] Hello!

You know what?

Have you see my notebook?

No, it's Stan's escaped convict.

AKA Jason, Stan's allotment volunteer.

Yeah, he beat someone to death.

Who told you that?

Baker Sue.

Oh wow, must be true then.

And her son's single again,

you ought to give him a call.

Mother, beer comes out of his nose when he laughs.

Well beggars can't be pickers, choosers.

-Result! -You passed?

No, only two major faults.

How is that a result?

Three better than last time.

Ibiza, road trip, here we come.

I can hardly contain my excitement.

Usual?

No, just water.

What's the matter with you?

I feel sick.

[Sarah] Is this something you've eaten?

I don't know, it's really bad in the morning.

Is it your period?

Not due till next week.

I thought you were in sync with me.

I am.

So you've missed a period.

Oh.

And you're sick in the morning?

Yeah.

Some people might call it morning sickness.

Yeah.

No.

It's blocked again.

There's definitely something up that spout.

Talk of the devil, hello Chloe love.

All right, Carol.

Oh dear, must be something going around.

Yeah, denial.

It's not just a river in Egypt.

Oh don't be ridiculous Sarah.

Of course it is.

If you can't be pretty, at least try and be clever hmm?

[slow guitar music]

After my MA, I moved from London to Bristol

to start a research post.

To research what?

How to harness the tidal power of the Severn Bore.

You know at some certain points

it goes as fast as 21 kilometres an hour?

Wow, I did not know.

[laughs] And now I've become a Severn bore.

Nah, it's interesting.

Is it?

Yeah.

I mean, not to me, I could barely keep my eyes open, but.

[both laugh]

Actually you'd be surprised.

In China, Qiantang Dragon tidal bore

gets as high as 30 feet.

People surf it.

Wow.

How high does the Severn Bore get?

Nine, but it is still overlooked.

-Okay, great. -Great.

Tomorrow night it is then?

And you'll bring the ring?

And I'll bring the ring.

Are you sure you can't tell me whose it is yet?

All will be revealed.

Oi, Romeo!

I've gotta get to the gym?

By the way, you left this at mine last night.

Oh no, please say you didn't read any of it.

Didn't read any of it.

Are you just saying that?

I'm just saying that.

-You did read it? -You said I could.

How drunk was I?

Drunk enough.

Sorry about that.

Why?

I thought you were miss casual, breezy, no strings?

Oh no, did I really say that?

Only about 30 times.

Oh my God, sorry about that.

Don't be.

Casual, breezy, no strings suits me fine.

Oh okay.

-Cool. -Cool.

By the way, the fifth one was my favourite.

Okay, now I know you didn't read any of them

'cause there's only four in here.

[Jason] What about the one at the back?

[gentle music]

We're coming outside to get warm.

See you later for the photo.

-What photo? -Mayor.

What about Mary?

-Not Mary, mayor. -Mayor?

Mayor.

Super-Mare big cheese.

What are you talking about?

Oh shut up, Jack.

Sarah, what are you doing with a criminal?

AKA Jason, Stan's allotment volunteer

who's got first class honours degree in geology.

So what does he want with you?

Sex.

What?

Beggars can't be pickers, choosers.

Brenda and dad are here.

Oh no, I haven't done my makeup.

[ladies chattering]

How are things going with you two?

Who two?

You and Jason.

Oh yeah, good thanks.

Yeah, really, really good.

Well done.

He's very sexy.

Is this where you and Chloe are going?

Ibiza?

God, no.

-You must! -Really?

It's the island of love, so magical.

Oh my gosh, such adventures.

You talk as if they're over?

Well they are a little bit.

Surely the best adventure's still to come?

No, you know how Richard hates to travel.

Oh yeah.

No, I was talking about your marriage.

Oh yes, well of course.

-All right? -All right?

I got the best news ever.

Guess who's just found our perfect sofa?

You?

No, the man in the shop, but I was with him. It's amazing.

Supple faux leather with a rhino black finish,

sumptuous scatter cushions, chaise end

to suit left or right orientation

with the option of an additional pouffe.

Boom.

Talk of the devil,

hello Richard, love.

Yeah not bad thanks, Carol, you? Yeah, good, yeah good.

You found your wedding dress yet?

No.

You're getting a sofa before you get your dress?

I spend a lot of time with the sofa.

So the mayor's just opening a new Ladbrokes,

and then he'll be here.

Oh exciting.

Carol, I wanted to ask you something.

Yes.

I just wondered how you'd feel

if I went out on a sort of a date.

Oi, saucy devil.

No, the thing is.

-It's with your-- -Oh not another one!

Don't move.

The light on your cheeks is absolutely perfect.

[Brenda] Oh don't, Phil.

I'm having a really ugly day today.

[shutter clicks]

Look at that.

Oh no I look so old.

Oh don't be ridiculous.

You've got fantastic bone structure.

She looks great, doesn't she Carol?

Oh yeah, lovely.

Now Brends, are you gonna let me take you dancing or not?

I've got the moves like Jagger.

Haven't I Carol?

Sorry, I'm just going to the toilet.

You all right mum?

Come on everyone.

Sarah.

You got a story for that competition yet?

Yeah, I think I have.

That's my girl.

[gentle guitar music]

[door knocks]

[Carol] Just a minute please.

Carol, this is your mother talking.

[gentle guitar music]

What's the matter?

[sobs] Nothing.

Don't be petulant.

What's the matter?

[sobs] Sarah's sleeping with a murderer.

I know, isn't it wonderful?

[door knocks]

Mum?

Nan?

[Carol sobs]

What's the matter?

You are sleeping with a murderer.

Ignore her, she's menopausal.

No I'm not.

[Sarah and Nan] Yes you are.

How do you know?

You're weeing like a race horse

and you're sweating like a cheese.

Oh no, that's what I am.

A crusty, mouldy old cheddar.

Not mouldy, mum.

Oh but I am crusty?

I knew it, I'm past it.

Everyone knows men think younger women

are more palatable.

Men, Carol?

-How many do you want? -What?

You said men.

You only need one and you've got him.

Who?

Stan!

He's just interested in exercising and eating celery

and criticising my pronunciation.

-Pronunciation. -What?

Nothing.

Oh, shut up.

You're sleeping with a murderer.

[Sarah] He's not a murderer.

Well Pound Shop Pam said he was.

Pound Shop Pam said Dr. Prasana was a terrorist.

-Isn't he? -No!

-Well what is he? -A doctor!

You're sleeping with a doctor?

No!

-A terrorist? -No!

-A murderer? -He's not a murderer.

His gay best friend got beaten up

by four homophobic neo-Nazis

in an unprovoked attack outside a nightclub.

Jason fought them off, put two of them in hospital,

one of them pressed charges and Jason got community service.

Okay?

[sobs] He sounds lovely.

Oh.

Hi guys, sorry to interrupt.

I really need to use the toilet.

[gentle guitar music]

What's happened to you?

I was at boobercise and I hyper extended.

Boobercise?

Isn't that an exercise class for women with boobs?

I know.

You went to an exercise class for women with boobs

to stare at women with boobs.

Well of course not.

Yes you did, Stan.

You went to an exercise class for women with boobs

to stare at women with boobs.

What, no?

Carol.

If you must know, I went to an exercise class

for women with boobs to try and reduce my moobs.

Oh, but I like your moobs.

I don't know what's happened to me lately.

Don't you?

I just got confused.

And what was my hormones flying around here, there

and every which way.

-Everywhere. -What?

Nothing.

And with Phil coming back, I didn't know

if I was coming or leaving.

-Going. -What?

Nothing.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

Ah, mind my neck.

Oh, mind my hormones.

I'm sorry I said you were as dull as dishwater.

-Ditchwater. -What?

Nothing.

Come on.

Ditchwater, ditchwater, ditchwater.

-I'm as dull as? -Ditchwater.

That's it!

I always knew I'd end up at the end of the pier.

Yay!

Well done my little fluffy fluffer.

Well done for what?

Guess who's got a new job fluffing candy floss

on the pier?

-You? -Me?

No way!

What?

What?

Kieran's got a new job fluffing candy floss on the pier.

What?

You're a living statue.

My mum's therapist told my mum it's time I grew up.

Is that why you're wearing a cardigan with arm patches?

Yeah, do you like it?

No. You look like one of them Londoners

who are really dull but trying to be cool.

You're better than that.

Cool.

So, are you?

Yep.

No!

Looks like it.

Crap.

Is it?

Is what?

Is being pregnant a bad thing?

My mum's therapist told my mum it was.

Your mum's therapist is a tit.

Move over kiddlywinks, your father's here.

Excuse I.

Red hat.

No knickers!

[group laugh]

Okay, say cheese.

Crusty old mouldy old shutter.

[group laugh]

[group cheer]

[Group] Cheese!

Very nice.

[group clap]

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high ♪

♪ Then straight to his arms ♪

♪ I'd go sailing ♪

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