Original subtitles

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high ♪

[clown laughing]

♪ Then straight into his arms ♪

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Did you hear about Trev?

Injured himself slipping on a banana skin.

In rehearsals?

No, in Waitrose. Dislocated his shoulder.

Humorous?

Not for Trev.

Oh!

You ready for me, Carol?

Stuff to do at the moment, Phil.

Don't you dare!

[Sarah] Who's the coffee for, Mum?

[Carol] Deckchair Derek.

Sorry, kid.

Here you go, Derek.

Cheers, Sarah.

Nice to see you again, Phil.

Yeah, you too, Des.

I'll be over in five to photograph your deckchairs.

Ooh, smashing, Phil, I'll get out the good ones.

So how's the writing going, kid?

Oh, I don't write anymore.

Why not?

I'm not good enough.

Says who?

Says me.

You can't just give up, kid.

Like you did, you mean?

What did I give up on?

Your marriage.

After 20 years!

You left Mum to bring me up on her own.

You were at university.

[Sarah] That's not the point.

Yes, it is.

Scuse I, pardon I, brought the modem.

Sorry, Barry, can you remember

to plug in the router this time?

In God I trust.

Cool, can you ask God to remember

to plug in the router this time?

God willing.

Look, I can't talk now, I've got stuff to do.

Like mother, like daughter.

What?

I said, like mother, like daughter.

I heard what you said.

Why'd you say "what", then?

You don't know what I'm like.

I did try, Sar.

How?

Phone calls, postcards.

You weren't gonna find out much from a few poxy postcards.

I'd have found out more if you'd written back.

Like I said, I don't write anymore.

So what do you do?

Waitress.

Yah, can I order?

What can I get you?

Okay, yah, just a grande decaf

single shot soya cap, one sweetener,

no sprinkles, no syrups, no cakes, no pastries on the side

and I don't have a loyalty card.

Neither do we. And we don't do soya milk.

Rice milk?

[Sarah] No.

Goats' milk?

[Sarah] No.

What do you do?

Semi-skimmed milk.

Well, that then!

Drink in or takeaway?

Takeaway cup, no lid, with cardboard sleeve.

[Sarah] We don't do cardboard sleeves.

Of course you don't.

I'll bring it out to you.

Tell your mum I'll start photographing

inside in half an hour.

Tell her yourself.

I can't, she's got "stuff to do" at the moment.

See ya, kid.

Thanks for the fag, mate.

Yeah, no problem.

No cardboard sleeves, we really are in the sticks.

I know.

Excuse me, somebody's left something.

Waitress, any danger?

Of what?

Our drink? Seriously?

[Clown] Totes mare!

[Clown] Yeah! Worse than super totes mare!

[clowns laughing]

Oof, those clowns make me feel funny.

[Sarah] Someone's left their wallet outside.

Put it underneath the counter.

Did you talk to your father?

[Sarah] No.

And what did he say?

He's gonna start in half an hour.

Half an hour?! I'm not nearly ready.

I can't believe he's still smoking

those disgusting cigarettes.

Well, he can't take pictures of the cafe

with that smell around, they'll look awful.

And that's got to go as well.

Go and ask him how long he'll be.

You ask him, I'm busy.

Don't be ridiculous, Sarah, you're never busy.

And I think [indistinct]'s left him again.

[Sarah] Hi Barry! Have you nearly finished?

Five minutes, God willing.

Okay, thanks!

[Barry singing "Morning Has Broken"]

Well?

Five minutes, God willing.

Is he still single?

No, I think he's remarried.

Who?

God.

Oh, there's another one who missed out.

Has he fixed the internet?

Five minutes, God willing.

He said that this morning.

Have you emailed our orders yet?

Five minutes, God willing.

Don't fire at the middle man, Sarah!

You're the one who said I had to upgrade.

Progress is profit, unlimited broadband

makes the world a brighter place.

I've never said that.

[Carol] Well, who did then?

The little people who live in the television.

[Carol] The Borrowers?

Adverts.

Don't be ridiculous, Sarah, I am not that impressionable.

Bang! And the dirt is gone.

All right, Scuttler?

[plane engines roaring]

All I remember is diving on him outside the club,

and then I punched him.

Next thing I know, I'm banged up in a cell with a tramp...

[plane engines roaring]

part-time prostitute won't give me the time of day!

[romantic piano music playing]

When you're talking and nobody listens.

Sorry, lad, what happened then?

Keep the mulch around the root, lad.

Next thing I know, I'm being pulled away by the police.

Keep the mulch round the root.

What did you get charged with?

GBH.

Bloody hell! Don't wanna get on the wrong side of you.

Keep the mulch round the root, lad! How many times?!

Right, that's it, I give up.

Oh no you don't, not on my watch.

Come on, get that bib off.

You can't work with that thing on.

No man, everyone will think I chose to be here.

You should've thought about that

before you beat someone to a pulp.

He was asking for it, Mr Astill!

I'm sure he was, lad, but you didn't have to give it him.

Ooh, Spitfire!

[plane engine roaring]

Now come on, have another go.

Then I'll treat you to a brew.

If you're really good, I'll let you pee on my compost.

Rock and roll.

Stick with me lad, I'm wild, brum!

Now, come on, what you wanna do is get that fork.

[Kieran] All right, Stan, all right, bro.

Excuse me, coming through.

[Stan] I dread to think.

Halitosis, that's awful.

Yes, Jack gets that terrible in the morning.

B.O.

Oh, yeah, that lingers.

Oh, hello Richard!

[people chatting]

I'll tell you who is bad for that B.O.

Dawn what delivers meals on wheels.

The one who wears the vest?

Even her salads taste like steak and kidney pie.

[Richard] All right?

All right?

[Ava] Hello!

Oh, talk of the devil, hello Richard, Ava love.

You want your usual, yeah, good?

-Yeah. -[Carol] Good. Ava?

No.

Good, thank you Sarah.

What's going on?

Mum's gone mental, Nan and the Dobsons

are discussing awful smells and I can't send an email

cause Aled Jones is fixing our broadband,

but apart from that.

Have you written a story?

Has Pinocchio got a wooden willy?

I don't know, Carol, probably.

Oh, well, no she hasn't.

I always forget you write.

[Carol] Yeah, so does Sarah.

[Richard] What's that smell?

My dad's cigarettes.

It's disgusting, isn't it, Richard?

Oh, yeah, no I quite like it.

We just saw your dad!

He told us about cycling through the backstreets

of Kerala and helping out in that orphanage, he's so cool!

You talking to him yet?

No.

Oh.

You okay?

Yeah. Thanks.

[Richard] That smell reminds me of your fennel tea!

-[Ava laughing] -Fennel?

To help my spastic gastrointestinal afflictions.

Your what?

Her bloating.

My farting!

It's embarrassing on the bus, but I always win a Dutch oven!

She does!

Cool.

Sorry, excuse me!

So, how's it going, Mr Engaged?

Yeah, yeah, good.

You wanna walk the dog later?

Yeah, I'd love to!

Give us a chance to catch up, feels like ages.

Oh yeah no, I won't be there.

Oh.

I've arranged for my fiancée and I

to have a meeting with the priest

at this amazing church in the middle of nowhere.

You'd love it.

Is that okay?

Doesn't matter what I think, does it?

You're not marrying me, are you?

I mean, you're not religious, so I don't know

why you'd want to get married in a church

in the middle of anywhere, let alone nowhere,

but if that's what Ava wants then that's that then.

I meant is it okay to walk the dog.

All right.

Sure.

As long as I'm back in time for the circus.

[Richard] Six thirty?

-Cool. -[Richard] Cool.

Come on, we need to get to Halfords before it closes.

Ava's gonna release the tension in my connecting rod.

Lucky you!

I know, she's a dab hand at that sort of thing.

Laters.

-Laters. -Bye.

-Laters. -Bye!

[Mary] Bye Richard and Ava!

What?

I give up.

On what?

[Carol] You're not even trying!

With what?

The circus? Are you gonna meet anyone at the circus?

Maybe you'll fall in love with a clown.

Been there, done that, Nan.

[relaxed guitar music]

[thunder]

[seagulls cawing]

Afternoon Temperance, nice weather for ducks!

-Hello Stanley! -Talk of the devil.

Get those wellies off, Stan!

Phil's taking pictures in 10 minutes

and I just washed the floor!

[Stan] Sorry love, I only wanted to-

I'm going to the internet cafe to send the- Aah!

[Carol and Sarah groaning]

For God's sake, mother!

I only wanted to introduce him, love.

There's no need to throw yourself at his feet.

Now then, Carol, Sare, Mare, Alice, Jack.

This is Jason, my new allotment volunteer.

How'd you do?

Hello.

All right.

[Carol] Are you the secret millionaire?

No.

Well, you have to ask, don't you?

Why do you?

A newcomer, do gooder, signs are right.

[Barry singing loudly]

Um, I'm doing community service.

You a criminal?

Yeah.

Lovely! Would you like a cup of coffee?

Yeah, that'd be great.

White or... without milk?

Mixed race, no sugar.

[Sarah chuckles awkwardly]

Nice to meet you.

You too.

[Carol] Make sure you're back in time

to see your father, Sarah!

You can't keep avoiding the situation.

Carol, before Phil comes, I really think we should talk.

Yeah, absolutely Stan, not now.

Out, out, I've told you before! Out!

Sorry, Jacob.

Jason.

My doors are open to anyone, but I absolutely

will not tolerate bigots or traffic wardens.

Mixed race coffee, coming up.

Carol, when you've got five minutes.

Absolutely, Stan, give me 10.

This smell's getting up my nose.

Yeah, what is that?

[Carol] Cherry tobacco.

You used to love it, Carol.

Well, things have changed, Mother.

Carol.

Absolutely, stench, I've just got to get rid of this Stan.

[Barry singing "Kumbaya" loudly]

Friday and slap.

[Barry] Oh Lord, Kumbaya!

Welcome to the circus.

[Barry] Someone's praying my Lord!

-[Carol] Kumbaya! -[Barry] Kumbaya!

[Carol And Barry] Someone's praying, my Lord!

Kumbaya!

[All] Someone's praying, my Lord, Kumbaya!

Oh Lord, Kumbaya!

Pesky clowns! I mean, they aren't even local.

Your dad's photographed every single one of them

and not taken any of me.

Maybe he didn't see you.

I'm bright chartreuse.

Isn't that a liqueur that tastes like cough mixture?

Not if you mix it with gin and lime.

Top tip.

Totes top tip.

Don't say "totes top tip".

It's also the most noticeable colour to the human eye.

That's why miners took canaries with them down the mine.

No, it isn't.

Why are you so desperate to have your picture taken?

I just wanna...

My mum's therapist told my mum I'm an anvil.

A financial anvil.

A finanvil.

She's a bit upset, so I thought me in the brochure

might cheer her up.

Your mum's therapist doesn't sound very nice.

No, but she's working wonders for mum's bipolar.

Half the time she's really happy.

We still on for the circus later?

You sure you wanna go?

Yeah, see how the other half live.

Six thirty at the Dragon?

I'll be there after I've walked Richard's dog.

Her names Ava. Do you want some company?

Don't you have a date with your married estate agent?

I should cancel. He's being a bit Roy.

Who?

Keen.

Do you know who Roy Keane is?

Yeah, hosted 'Catchphrase'.

No he didn't. I better send that email.

I'll walk with you.

Coming?

No, I'll stay here. Feel a bit lost at the moment.

Need some time to think.

Really?

Of course not!

I'd forgotten how fit your dad was, by the way.

I know you hate him but I totes would.

Don't say "totes would", and I don't hate him.

Put a word in.

You make me sick.

Can I have a hand, please?

[Kieran panting]

Oh, go away, clowns! Weston's my manor!

Get back to the circus where you belong!

Clooooowns!

This is definitely a low point.

[Stan] What was Cyril's smell, Mare?

Brut and Old Spice.

He wore Brut for everyday, Old Spice on Sundays,

and then both together for special occasions.

I can't stand that Brut, it's an old man's smell.

I wear Brut!

Ah, Brut. The essence of Stan.

[Stan chuckling]

What's your most memorable smell, Jack?

No point in asking Jack,

he lost his sense of smell years ago.

Lily of the valley.

Lily of the who?

The smell of my first love.

I've never worn lily of the valley.

I know.

We had a brief encounter over a garden fence

and then I never saw her again.

When was this Jack?

One hazy afternoon in the summer of 1940.

You were only nine!

And three quarters.

[Stan] How old was she?

Ten.

[Stan chuckles]

The cradle snatcher!

I shall never forget her as long as I live.

What was the name of this floozy?

Can't remember.

Shut up, Jack!

Ooh, Carol, have you got...

Oogy boogie, here I gogie.

Scuse I, all.

Doctor, doctor, my dog's got no nose.

[Jack] How does he smell?

[Mary] Horrible!

Carol, I really need you to-

Absolutely Stan, not now though.

It's just, we haven't talked since Phil came back,

and well, there's something I want to-

Oh, talk of the devil, hello Phil!

[Phil] You all right, Stan?

How's it going?

It's amazing how much of the place I still recognise.

I bet it is.

Nice socks.

Thanks.

Don't get cold feet. I'll be inside.

Oh no, was that Phil? Oh, he's early!

[Stan] Carol, I-

Oh madam, your father's here.

Argh! I can't talk to him now!

I've got to meet Richard's stupid dog

while he goes to meet a stupid priest

for his stupid wedding!

They're not even stupid religious, stupid marriage! Stupid!

Marriage, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

When did love stop being enough, Stan?

I don't know, Carol.

Sorry Stan, what was it you wanted to ask me?

Oh yeah no, it's gone.

I just wanted to give you this.

Ooh! Honeysuckle.

From the old English meaning... honey suckling?

Bang on. Easy to love and fairly indestructible.

Well, I'd better get the cafe sorted for the photos,

so I'll see you tomorrow, Stan.

You not coming round for 'Come Dine With Me' later?

Oh yeah, absolutely, I wouldn't miss it!

I'll bring you round some used

coffee grinds for the compost.

You spoil me Carol, you really do.

Oh, goodbye you two.

Goodbye all.

She's not happy with him.

Well, no one likes feeling second best, do they Carol?

[Stan sighs]

[Carol] Have you emailed that order yet, madam?

Yes.

I better go.

Stuff to do?

Yeah. Can I ask a favour?

Anything.

If you see a livid yellow clown on stilts,

please will you take his picture?

Sure.

Thank you.

Oh, did anyone hand in a tobacco pouch?

I think I might've left it on the table outside.

Oh yeah, I didn't know it was yours.

It's under the counter.

[Phil] Oh great, cheers kid.

[Sarah] See you!

Your disgusting cherry tobacco.

You never used to mind it. We smoked these for hours.

Times have changed.

And it's been putting off the customers.

Has it?

No, just brought back some memories, that's all.

Well, they weren't all bad, were they, love?

No, not all of them.

Hello, Martha.

Hello, Tom Frost.

Want a cuppa?

Milk two sugars, but-

Put the milk in first,

because that's how George Orwell had it.

[Phil laughs]

Connection reestablished?

What?

Oh, talk of the devil, hello Barry!

All done. My fees on next month's bill.

Goodbye, God bless.

You still painting, then?

Painting? Oh, God no. I gave that up years ago.

Why?

So I could bring up our daughter.

[Phil] She was 20 and at university.

That's not the point.

Yes, it is.

Okay, well... I can't talk now. I've got-

Stuff to do, yeah I know, I know.

[Carol] And you can stop shamming now, Mother,

the internet's back on.

About time. Conversation's overrated.

Steady on, Mark Zuckerberg. Time for your photograph.

Ooh, well, hang on then Philip.

Let me give myself a squirt, I'm like a sow in a sauna here.

Ooh, that's potent, Mare, what is it?

Lily of the valley.

I'd steal my mother's when I was little,

she used to go spare!

I'd douse myself soggy and then I'd dance

around the garden like Rita Hayworth.

You could smell me coming from Bodmin!

Okay. I'm ready for my close up, Mr de Phil.

Hold that pose, Mare.

[camera shutter clicking]

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high ♪

♪ Then straight to his arms I'd go sailing ♪