Original subtitles

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪

♪ My lover stands on golden sands ♪

Hi, all right, Sarah?

All right, Derek?

Morning, all!

♪ Sailing ♪

[gentle music]

[Mary laughing]

[laughs] These twits are funny.

Oh, for goodness sake, Mother.

Twittering on the toilet.

It's the only place I get any peace, Carol.

What are you laughing at?

Rio Ferdinand's feet.

That thing's a menace.

He is, bless him.

But his bunions are funny.

Well, you wanna tell him to be careful,

else he'll end up like Sandra.

Who's Sandra?

[Sarah] Chris Higham's mum.

Who's Chris Higham?

[Carol] You remember Chris Higham.

[Mary] No.

You remember Chris Higham, Sarah?

Nope.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Sarah, course you do.

He sent you some Valentine's Day flowers by mistake

and then he had to come round and take them back

because they were meant for Chloe.

Oh, yeah.

[Carol] Well, his mum Sandra-

Whose mum Sandra?

[Carol] Chris Higham's.

Who's Chris Higham?

Sandra's son.

[Mary] What about her?

Well, she had an accident in the garden

and sliced her bunion off with a lawn mower.

Good idea, I'll twit Rio.

[Carol] He's married a Welsh orthodontist.

[Mary] Rio?

[Carol] No, Chris Higham.

She took him to Milford Haven to have the baby.

Now they've got people carrier.

[Sarah] Must've hurt squeezing that out.

Sandra's mortified.

About the people carrier?

About Milford Haven.

Now what are they gonna do in Milford Haven, wait to die?

Oh.

Talk of the devils, there they go.

[Carol] I don't know why you won't join that group, Sarah.

[Sarah] I like running alone.

[Carol] Well, yes, that's you in a nutshell.

Let me out, let me out!

What are you doing?

Me in a nutshell.

[Mary laughing]

Mother, don't encourage her.

This is no time for timfoolery.

-Who? -Tim?

-What? -You should give him a call.

-Who? -Tim.

Well, yes, if he's single.

[Mary laughing]

[jaunty music]

[Hulk growls]

Oh, don't mind me, I'm just a mime artist.

-What? -What?

I thought you said something.

No.

I'm a mime artist.

I can't speak.

Oh, cool.

Can you tell me the way to the allotments?

That way.

Cheers.

[Hulk growls]

[bee buzzing]

[screams] Bee, bee, bee, bee!

Bee, bee, bee!

[Hulk growls]

[gentle music]

Ready?

As I'll ever be.

Now look here, lad,

I don't want you here anymore than you want to be here.

But let's try and make this 200 hours

as painless as possible, shall we?

Whatever's clever, man.

First off, it's Mr. Astill to you.

Now, you make a start on the weeding.

How do I do that, Mr. Astill?

You ever used a ho?

You still talking about gardening?

Right, forget the weeding.

Just finish off the watering, but keep it Goldilocks.

Keep it what?

Not too much, not too little.

How much is that?

Didn't they tell you anything

about working on an allotment?

The most important tool's the kettle.

[laughs] Okie dokie.

Well, I suppose that's as good a place to start as any.

Snow White, two dwarves, please.

What?

Milk, two sugars.

Right.

Nice bit of wood, Mr. Astill.

We still talking about gardening?

[Jason] I'll go make that brew.

[gentle music]

Oop.

[Chloe] OMG, he's so persistent.

[Carol] Which one?

The estate agent.

[Carol] Oh, you moving out, Chloe?

Why would I do that?

Oh, I just thought-

Trying to get rid of me, Carol?

[Carol] What?

You wanna take my dad off me, Carol?

[Carol] Of course not.

Have you had sex with my dad, Carol?

Chloe, I just meant-

I'm only messing, Carol.

I know you have, them walls are paper thin.

Now, what are you asking?

You said the estate agent, I thought you were moving.

Oh no, Carol, just shagging.

Ooh.

Glad we cleared that up.

You're just jel.

Don't say jel.

Is he still married, Chloe?

I flipping hope so, Mary, be no fun if he was single.

[Carol] Oh, talk of the devil.

Morning, Kieran.

Morning.

What you doing, Weston-super-Mary?

Photographing my bunion to send to Rio.

[Kieran] Brazil?

Ferdinand.

Oh.

All right, scuttler?

-All right. -All right.

How you feeling, incredible sulk?

Apart from being sexually anorexic, broke,

and sustained in a low level of depression,

I've never been happier.

Have you heard back from the Frenchman?

Uh-uh.

Definitely over then?

Mm-hmm.

We need to get you a project.

I had a project and he dumped me.

A project that doesn't involve

seeking the approval of strange men.

I'm a performance artiste, that's my job description.

A performance artiste?

Thought you were living statue.

Oh, you say neither, I say neither.

You say either, I say both.

You say onion, he says onion.

And then he called the whole thing off!

-Usual? -Yes, please, plus straw.

Don't wanna smudge.

And a croissant!

I'm getting hungry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

Oh, talk of the devil.

All right, Richard?

Yeah, good?

Yeah, not bad, you?

Yeah, good?

-Good, yeah. -Yeah, good.

-Good, usual? -Yeah, good.

All right, thank you, Sarah.

-All right? -All right?

-All right? -All right?

-All right? -All right?

-All right? -All right?

All right.

Been on your bike, Richard?

Yeah.

Your car still in the garage?

No, Ava fixed it.

Runs like a dream now.

[Sarah] So where is it?

Won't start, so I had to take it in the garage.

Oh well done, Richard.

[Richard] Cheers, Carol.

[Kieran] Cheers.

Nice suit, who died?

John's mum.

What?

-John's mum. -John's mum?

John's mum.

There's an echo in here.

John's mum's dead?

Well, they were about to burn her, so I hope so.

You never said.

It's private, Sarah.

Is John all right?

It's private, Sarah.

When did she die?

It's private, Sarah.

Last Tuesday.

Just before the cake trolley went round.

Day after his wedding.

The day after his what?

[Chloe] His wedding.

-His wedding? -His wedding.

That echo's back.

Why didn't you say?

It's private, Sarah.

[Sarah] Well, how do you all know?

[All] Twitter.

[Carol] Oh, talk of the devil.

Morning, Ava.

You want your usual?

Yes please, Carol.

Okay, and what is that?

[Ava] Peppermint tea.

Thank you, Sarah.

Did you know that John's mum?

Oh yes, it's very sad.

And the wedding.

Richard!

You promised to wait till we were together.

[Richard] Oh yeah, no.

Sarah was talking about John's wedding.

Oh, I see.

Whoops.

We got engaged.

-Engaged? -Engaged?

-Engaged? -Engaged?

Engaged!

Engaged.

Great!

That's great!

[gentle music]

So when's the wedding?

Well, if I want my father to give me away,

we don't have much time.

Is he dying?

No, flights to Bristol are cheaper

before the end of August.

[Carol] Oh, talk of the devil.

Morning, Brenda.

Morning, all.

[All] All right, Brenda?

Richard and Ava are engaged.

Oh, how lovely.

Kieran, I've renewed your permit.

Ah, cheers, Brend.

Permit for what?

-For me. -Oh, yeah.

Usual, Brenda?

Yes, please.

Thank you, Sarah.

Now, I just wanted to let you know that the photographer

for the tourist brochure's in town, Carol,

and I've told him to pop by later to say hello.

He's not starting today, is he?

No, whenever's convenient for you.

Next week?

[Carol] Where's the page a day diary, Sarah?

Back of the bag for life drawer.

But I know that Thursday's a bit hectic

because stitch and bitch have their coffee morning

in the afternoon.

But apart from a Friday and a Monday,

any other day is fine.

But not a Wednesday

'cause I never look good on a Wednesday.

You're in safe hands, Carol.

He's just come back from India shooting the Dalai Lama.

Poor little thing.

Okay.

Okay.

Better be off.

Thanks for this.

Bye, all.

[All] Bye, Brenda.

[Stan] Be good, if you can't be good, be careful.

[gentle music]

-Morning, Stan. -Morning, Brian.

Nice jumper.

Oh, yeah?

Helen made it at stitch and bitch.

Lovely.

Thanks, I'll tell her that.

She's been losing confidence of late.

She was worried it might be a bit garish.

Really?

Everything okay?

[Stan] Yeah, fine thanks.

You found out what he did yet?

I don't know, Brian, and I don't want to know.

As long as he does what he's asked without fuss,

then I don't care.

You wanna be careful, Stan.

He could be dangerous.

How'd you change the nozzle to that misty spray stuff?

It's coming out as a squirt.

Give it here.

Cheers, Mr. Astill.

Whoa!

[laughs] Nice one, geez.

All right, Brian?

Laters.

[Stan] Laters.

[gentle music]

[van horn beeps]

-[phone ringing] -Morning, Stan.

Morning, Brenda.

[Brenda] Hello?

Hello, oh, hi.

Sorry.

Yes, I told you.

Top of the morning, my little Faberge eggs.

Talk of the devil.

Hello, Stan.

Hello, gorgeous.

Now then.

Hello, Stanley.

All right, Mare?

You want your usual?

Oh yes, please.

-Thank you, Sarah. -Now then.

Right, Carol.

All right, Dad?

Yeah, all right, sweet pea.

All right, Stan?

Morning, lad.

Oi, jolly green giant, Brenda's on the prowl.

You renewed your permit yet?

Done it.

Blimey, that's organised!

My mum's therapist told my mum

that chaos in your life reflects the chaos in your mind.

[Chloe] You're seeing your mum's therapist?

[Kieran] No, my mum is.

[Carol] Is she still bisexual, Kieran?

Bipolar.

Yeah.

Oh, good for her.

There you go, Stan.

Thank you, Carol.

Now then.

[Richard] All right, Stan?

Blimey, Dick Dick, who died?

John's mum.

Oh yeah, I saw that on Facebook.

[Carol] Oh, that's not the best bit though, Stan.

Tell him, Richard.

Oh yeah, no.

Ava and I are getting married.

-Married? -Yeah.

-You? -Yeah.

-Two of? -Yeah.

-Stone the crows. -Yep.

Prima rosa, primrose, first flower of the spring.

They're a bit out of season now,

but well, they'll see you through the day.

Oh, thanks, Stan.

That's nice, what's that?

Oh, that's nothing.

Just a silly bird box I made for you.

For me?

Oh, can I see it?

Oh no, no.

I'll um, let me hang it up first, eh love?

See it in its full glory.

Flowers, water.

Sorry, lad, I'm forgetting myself.

Well done, Dickypants, well bloody done.

-Cheers, Stan. -Come here.

Come here, lovely.

Now, he hasn't tricked you, has he?

You know you don't need a visa anymore.

It's not the visa, Stan.

It's for love.

Who can argue with that?

Right.

Come on, Trevor Sorbet, we got work to do.

I'll walk with you.

Coach party from Birmingham arriving in 10.

I better get to the crematorium.

-Laters. -Laters.

I'm sorry, Sarah.

I wanted to tell you myself.

Oh, yeah, no, that's okay.

Why, it's great, really great.

[Ava] Richard.

[Richard] Coming.

Will you say hi to John for me?

Oh yeah, no.

Laters.

Laters.

Well that's that then.

John and Richard both jumped out your fingers.

Mum, it's not even nine o'clock!

Yeah, well time and type

don't wait for no one these days, Sarah.

Now then, Stan, what did you wanna ask me?

Oh yeah, no, it's gone.

Oh, talk of the devil.

Hello, Brenda.

Can I have a word, please?

[Carol] Er, yes, course.

In private.

Yeah, go through to the...

Back in a mo, Stan.

That's a turn up.

You okay?

Yeah, of course, it's amazing.

Smile, love.

The second best thing you can do with your lips.

[Carol] That's all right, what happened?

[Brenda] I am so sorry, Carol.

That's all right, what about?

If I'd known it was him, I'd never have agreed.

That's all right, known it was who?

Mind you, he's not due to start till next week,

so there's still time to cancel.

That's all right, cancel what?

The photographer, Carol.

That's all right, what about him?

It's Phil, Carol.

Who's Phil Carol?

Not Phil Carol, Carol.

Just Phil, Carol.

Phil?

Yes.

As in Phil?

[Sarah] Mum, come here.

Yes.

-Oh. -Mum.

Here we go then.

[tense music]

Hello, all.

You all right, Carol?

Hello, Phil.

Hello, Mare.

Hello, Philip.

[Phil] How you doing, Stan?

Not three bad, Phil, not three bad.

Hey, kid.

Hello, Dad.

Didn't expect to see you here.

[Sarah] Likewise.

Thought you lived in the Big Smoke?

I did.

[Phil] Where do you live now?

Here.

I read your story in that children's magazine.

It's all going well then?

No, not really.

What you doing here?

I'm a photographer for the, for the brochure.

Why?

Nice work if you can get it, kid.

Well, Phil, me old mate.

This is a surprise, how you diddling yeah?

Not bad, good, yeah, good.

-Not bad. -Good.

Blimey, it must have been how long is it since?

-10 years. -10 years, is it really?

Don't time fly when you're having...

Is it that long?

How long you back for?

Long as it takes, Stan.

As long as what takes, Phil?

The job, Stan.

Oh, the job, of course, the job.

Well, we'll have to catch up, have a pint.

Catch up and have a pint.

-Catch up. -Have a pint.

Yeah, if you like.

Oh.

You two, er?

Us two, no.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yes. -Yes.

-Yes. -Yes.

Right.

Okie dokie, fires to stokey.

I'll, er, get out your way, Carol.

Oh, do you have to, Stan?

Yes, no, no.

Something's going on.

Trouble for someone.

All right, my lovers?

Oh, lollipop!

Talk of the devil, morning, Beryl.

Are you open, Sarah?

Oh yes, absolutely, why wouldn't we?

Usual as business.

Well, I'll er, I'll er,

I'll just put up your bird box, Carol.

Oh, lovely, thank you, Stanley.

Now, what can I get you, Beryl?

Something strong.

[gentle music]

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪

[Stan] Morning, all!

♪ My lover stands on golden sands ♪

♪ And watches the ships that go sailing ♪

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high ♪

♪ Then straight to his arms ♪

♪ I'd go sailing ♪