Original subtitles

-[relaxing upbeat music] -♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪

♪ My lover stands on golden sands ♪

♪ And watches the ships ♪

♪ That go sailing ♪

-♪ Somewhere ♪ -[baby babbling]

♪ Beyond the sea ♪

-♪ He's there watching for me ♪ -All right, Sarah?

Hey, all right, Kelly?

-Still here there then? -Yeah. [laughs]

When are you going back to London?

I dunno. Soon, hopefully.

I always wanted to live in London.

But you know, shit happens.

Oh, he's gorgeous.

No, he's not. He's as pug faced as his father.

When are you gonna start popping them out?

Oh, no. I don't think kids are my thing.

Good for you. Take my advice.

Keep your legs crossed and get back to London ASAP,

before your nipples start looking

like an Ordinance Survey map.

Okay.

-[Kelly] Bye. -Bye.

[gulls squawking]

You all right, Nan?

No. Your mother's doing my head in.

-All right? -Yeah, fine.

Have you ever had an abnormal smear test?

-Yeah. -Okay, good.

Oh, cheers.

No, I don't mean that.

But I've had a couple of tests come back a bit dodge.

-Okay. -It's no big deal.

-No, no. -One in 20 women have it.

-Okay. -But I was worried

I might've brought it on myself.

Don't be silly. How?

Well, in this leaflet, it says sometimes you get it

if you had sex young, which I did.

Or because you have sex with different partners, which I do.

Or if you've ever had the HGV virus, which I have.

-HGV? -What?

-That's HPV. -What'd I say?

-HGV. -What's that?

-Heavy goods vehicle. -Oh.

Well, anyway, I thought it was my fault

but you've had abnormal tests too, right?

Correct.

And you hardly ever have sex, right?

Also correct, and thanks.

Okay, good.

They want me to go to hospital for another test.

Okay. How long have you known about this?

About two months.

Why didn't you say?

D'you want me to come with you?

Yes, please.

It's just worrying 'cause of Mum, you know?

[Sarah] Yeah, course.

Okay so, you got your costume for later?

Richard's dropping it off in a bit. Have you?

Totally. Is John coming?

Why would John come to sing-along "Sound of Music"?

'Cause it's brilliant.

Have you two spoken since the quiz?

No, he disappeared back to London.

Are you sure nothing happened after we left?

Yes. I've already told you, no.

-But you were wasted. -Right.

And you didn't try anything?

-OMG, you did! -No, I didn't!

OMG, he did! What happened?

Nothing really, we just kissed a bit.

OMG, then what?

We discussed the grammatical misuse of sat and sitting.

OMG, you're made for each other.

Well, we're grammatically compatible.

-OMG! -Stop saying OMG.

[Chloe] Oh, Richard'll be gutted.

[Sarah] No, he won't. There's nothing to be gutted about.

-[Chloe] Whatevs. -No, Richard won't care.

-[Chloe] Whatevs. -Don't say nothing then.

[Chloe] Don't say nothing about what?

-[Sarah] Nothing. -[Chloe] Excitin's!

Tell your nan I'll be back in a bit to do her makeup.

-[Sarah] Okay. -[Chloe] Laters!

[Sarah] Laters.

You all right, Mum?

[Carol] Fine, thank you.

[Sarah] D'you want a cup of tea?

[Carol] No, I haven't got time.

What are you looking for?

The invoice for the sandwich fillings.

-[Mary] Carol. -[Carol] Yes, Mum.

Gandhi says, "There's more to life

than increasing its speed."

Yeah well, Gandhi didn't have a meeting

with his accountant 20 minutes ago,

and a missing sandwich invoice, did he?

[Mary sighs]

Has that agent called back yet?

-No. -So what does that mean?

She doesn't like my stories.

Right well, that's that then.

You better think of something else to do,

-hadn't you, madam? -[Sarah sighs]

[light pensive music]

"Grandeur has but little," said Eleanor,

"But wealth has much to do with it."

"Eleanor, for shame," said Marianne,

"Money can only give happiness

where there was nothing else to give it."

[Pauline] You know who I am, don't you?

[Richard] Of course I do.

[Pauline] I'm the queen of Spain.

And if you lift this ceiling, I'll sing for you if you like.

-Mummy. -All right?

Yeah. How's it going?

Yeah, good. Any joy with the estate agent?

Uh, fingers crossed, be sold in a couple of weeks.

Great.

Well, I'm just about done for the day,

so I'll leave you to it.

Mate, listen.

Been meaning to say thanks again

for not mentioning Mum to anyone.

-That's all right. -It's just

hard to know what to say to people about it, you know?

Yeah, course.

Wonder where she goes.

I don't know how you do it, mate.

I, I haven't got a clue with her.

-[clock ticking] -[gulls squawking]

Well, she seems to like this,

if you wanna give it a go.

Oh, cheers.

It's all right.

[phone rings]

Hey. Michelle, I said I'd call.

[upbeat whimsical music]

-[pots clatter] -[Carol] Oh!

You all right, Mum?

Mum? Mum?

Oh, what, Sarah?

I just asked if you're all right.

Yes, fine.

I've just spilt milk all over the floor, that's all.

[Mary] No use crying over it.

[Carol] I'm not!

Right then, my lovers.

-Where's your mum? -Being busy.

No change there then. [chuckles]

-All right? -All right, Dicky Bird?

-All right? -All right?

Yeah, got a bit of a squiffy tummy but other than that.

-I got your costume. -Oh, cheers.

Can I come and get that foliage off you in a bit, Stan?

What are you going as, a tree?

No, for my compost.

Well, you need to be quick, Percy Thrower.

Mini bus leaves at 06:30 and won't wait for stragglers.

And if you know anyone who wants a ticket,

Pete gave me eight so we've one going spare.

Ooh, they're like hen's teeth, them things.

That's the truth, Mar.

Have they been there since this morning?

-Yeah. -Carol,

put them flowers in some water.

-06:30. -06:30.

-06:30. -What time's that?

06:30.

Talk of the devil, hello Richard love.

All right? Yeah, good?

-Yeah. -Good.

What did Stan say?

[Sarah] There's a spare ticket.

Oh no. They're like hen's teeth, them things.

And put them flowers in some water.

Oh yeah, course.

I drove past you yesterday, Carol.

-Did you, Richard? -Yeah.

-In what? -Test driving a Volvo.

I thought you were getting a Clio.

-I am. -Oh.

[gasps] I've found it.

[Sarah] Are these your old school shorts?

-Yep. -Hmm, sexy.

-I made them work. -[Sarah laughs]

-Hi. -Hey.

-All right? -All right?

-Yeah. -Hi.

Hey.

What's going on?

Um, we're sorting out costumes

for tonight's sing-along "Sound of Music".

What's that?

You sing along on to "the Sound of Music".

Oh, right. What for?

-Fun? -Ah.

Oh, talk of the devil. Hello, John.

-You've been served? -Just a coffee please.

-To go. -Sarah?

You coming tonight, John?

Oh, uh, no.

I don't think musical karaoke's really my style.

There's a spare ticket going. Hmm?

Strike while the iron's on.

[coffee machine slurps]

Uh, Richard. Can you come and help me move a fridge?

Why are you moving the fridge?

I'm mopping up spilt milk.

-No use crying over it. -[Carol] I'm not.

Right, we need to move it into the middle of the room.

-1.50, please. -[Richard] Okay.

-Help me get this up first. -[Richard] Okay.

[Carol] Careful with it, Richard.

I, um, haven't seen you around for a few days.

Yeah, I had to get back to London for work.

I, um, I just popped in to, uh...

Look, about the other night.

Oh, look, don't worry about it. These things happen.

Do they?

No, not to me.

No, me neither. It's a bit um, confusing.

-Yeah. -[Carol] Now pull it. Pull.

[Fridge clangs]

Come on, Richard. Pull, pull!

So, sing-along "Sound of Music", eh?

Oh, I know. Sounds rubbish, don't it?

-I dunno. -Really?

I'll give it a go.

-Really? -Yeah, why not?

Okay. Great.

Well, mini bus leaves at 06:30.

-Great. -Great.

Okay, well um, better go get myself a costume.

-Are you taking the ticket? -Is that okay?

Yeah, course. Why wouldn't it be?

-Great. -Great.

-Great. -Great then.

Okay, well uh,

"So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye."

-I'll see you later. -Bye.

-Great. -Great.

Great then.

Right, well I'd better get changed.

I'm walking the dog on the beach in a minute,

-if you fancy it. -Maybe.

You're walking the dog in your costume?

Yeah. Dog don't mind.

-Laters. -Laters.

Oh no. John forgot his coffee.

I don't think he came in for a coffee, love.

[Carol] Is John coming?

-Yeah. -Good!

You'd better put some makeup on then, hadn't you?

-[Sarah laughs] -Most men pursue pleasure

with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.

Good one, Nan.

[light pensive music]

[upbeat whimsical music]

All right, scutlers?

[Sarah] Why are you looking so smug?

Guess who's the new face of the Fair Save summer sale.

David Cameron.

-[Chloe gasps] -No.

Do you even know David Cameron is?

Yeah, Nick Clegg's sidekick.

They're not Batman and Robin.

You're the face of Fair Save?

-Summer sale. -How did you blag that?

Got talent spotted by the manager.

-What talent did he spot? -Standing still.

-Oh. -Good one.

What have you gotta do?

Stand still in front of Fair Save.

70 quid a day. Result!

-D'you get a discount? -No.

-Oh. -Good one.

-D'you want a hand? -Yes please.

What time's the mini bus picking us up?

15 minutes.

Have you heard back from JDate yet?

Might have done.

[Sarah] So, what's happening?

Might have a JDate.

-That's great. -That's J great.

Yeah. Might be.

I'll be in the toilets if anyone wants me.

Looks like everyone might be getting

some of their favourite things.

-[Keiran screams] -[Mary Screams]

Why is Lily salvage in your toilet?

I done her up like Fraulein Maria.

It's uncanny.

Chloe, it's un-tranny.

You can't let her go out like that.

Oh, Chloe! I loves it.

Wait 'til Alice Dobson sees me looking like this.

What d'you reckon, Keiran?

-Julie Andrews? -Yeah. It's uncanny, Mar.

[upbeat whimsical music]

Thanks, Mr. Messenger.

I'll give you it back tomorrow.

[whistle trills]

She doesn't even know I'm here.

So she doesn't even notice that I'm not.

Michelle, look, I've gotta go.

I'll call you when I get in.

Yes, I promise.

Yeah, love you too.

Okay, bye.

-[door knocks] -Hello?

Hi mate. Shouldn't you be in costume? [chuckles]

Yeah, give us five minutes. I'll come with you.

These things are so annoying.

I'm sorry. I know you're busy, but can I have a word?

-About Sarah. -Yeah.

Which word would you like?

Michelle?

[Stan speaks in German]

Ooh-hoo, all right Stan?

Right, headcount. Three plus me is four.

-Keiran's in the toilet. -Five.

-Where's Vicki Pants? -Dunno.

-Where's John? -Dunno.

-Where's your mum? -In the kitchen.

Right, you call John, I'll sort out your mother.

-What did I tell her? -I know.

-Has that agent called yet? -Not yet.

They said by the end of the day, didn't they?

It is the end of the day, Stan.

They'll call.

[Brian] I don't know what else to say.

[Carol] So that's it then?

I'm sorry, Carol.

Unless you can find the money in 10 days,

I can't see any other way.

You know, it might be worth hearing

what Brenda Kiely has to say.

Oi, Carol.

You may be busy, but the least you could do

is give them for...

Oh sorry, Brian. Didn't know you were here.

No, no problem. I was just going anyway.

Nice costume, Stan.

-Ta muchly. -We'll speak tomorrow, Carol.

-Thanks, Brian. -Auf wiedersehen.

-[door clunks] -Oi, madam.

No good just sitting there.

Mini bus leaves in 10 minutes.

Sorry. Sorry, Stan.

I um, I didn't realise the time, I-

Well come on then, get your cossie on.

I'll see you out the front in ten.

Stan, I'm sorry. I, I don't think I can go.

No, I don't wanna hear it, Carol. I'll see you in 10.

Sorry, Stan. I can't.

You all go, I'll see you tomorrow.

No!

I'm sorry, Carol, I don't mean to sound bossy,

but well, I won't have it.

You are in need of a night off.

Now get your costume on

and be out the front in nine minutes.

Stan, I don't want to go!

I don't care, Carol.

I know you don't wanna go. I know you're busy.

I know you've got stuff to do. I know you're tired.

I know all the excuses you come up with

to get out of having any fun, but not this time.

This has been planned for weeks.

Now you're going and that's final.

Oh, don't Carol, 'cause I'll feel bad.

But it's for your own good.

You cannot keep hiding in this bloody cafe.

[gulls squawking]

Oh.

Well that is unfortunate.

Brenda Kiely has offered to buy me out.

Please don't say anything to Mum.

Stan, I don't know what to do.

Hmm. Okie dokie.

Well, first thing tomorrow

we'll solve the problem of the cafe.

But tonight, Carol Porter,

we are going to solve the problem of Maria.

-[Carol laughs] -[Carol sniffs]

-Oh, Stan. -[Stan chuckles]

-[clock ticking] -[cars rumbling]

"He detested being in town,

yet either to Noland or London he must go.

He valued their kindness beyond anything,

and his greatest happiness was in being with them."

Are you the one who reads to me?

Uh, yes. Yes I am.

[Pauline] Will you come every day?

Yes. Yes I will.

[phone rings]

♪ Every song ♪

♪ Every song it hears ♪

-♪ Every song that I hear ♪ -[Stan shouts in German]

♪ My heart wants to beat like the wings of a bird ♪

Shut your traps!

T minus six. Where's John?

I don't think he's coming.

Should we wait for him?

Nah, I don't think he was that bothered.

Okie-diddly-okie.

Well, I'll sell it on when we get there.

-All right Ava my lover? -Hello.

Oh, Chloe, you forgot this.

Oh my goodness.

The piece de resistance. Cheers, Ava.

You all look ridiculous by the way.

-Cheers. -[Stan speaks in German]

See you later.

-[Sarah] Ava. -Yes?

I don't suppose you've got a spare

Austrian outfit lying about?

Yeah, come on!

[Sarah] Do you fancy it?

Unless you've got something else planned.

You snooze you lose, gorgeous.

-Go on! -Go on.

-Go on! -Come on.

Do you have a spare hairband?

[scoffs] Call yourself a hairdresser.

-[Ava laughs] -Sarah.

Oh, good.

Do you have any makeup?

Call yourself a girl! Keiran?

-Thanks. -You got four minutes.

Come on, meine little dumplings.

T minus one and counting. Let's go, go, go!

[Stan mimics a horn]

Carol, are you ready?

[Carol] Coming!

Get a squiggle on!

Right, Gin?

-[All] Yeah. -Lemons?

[All] Check.

[Stan] We'll buy the tonic when we get there.

-OMG. -Chloe.

What?

What on earth are you wearing?

Everyone goes as one of the family,

so I thought I'd go as one of the soldiers for a change.

Do you know who the soldiers are?

-Germans. -Nazis.

-Nazis? [laughs] -Yes.

-No. -Yes.

OMG.

[Sarah] Get it off before Ava comes out.

What's Ava got to do with it?

-Are you kidding me? -What?

-Polish Ava. -You clown.

OMG! I'm such an idiot.

[All] Yes.

Get it off, quick.

[Ava laughs]

[all laugh]

-[Ava] Very satirical. -[Chloe] Okay, thanks.

[Sarah] You look great, Ava.

[Ava] It's amazing what you can do

with plaits and a miniskirt.

Okie dokie. Carol?

Edelweiss.

You look fantastic, my lover.

Thanks, Stan.

-You look gorgeous, Mum. -Amazing.

Okie-bokie, let's make it sound like feet walking.

Come on!

Have I got time for a quick wee?

[Stan] A very quick one. You go and enjoy yourself.

-I'll just be a minute! -You've got 30 seconds, love.

-After you, madam. -Bless you, my child. Ooh!

-You idiot. -I know.

[Sarah] You okay about the test?

C'est la vie.

-Sorry John didn't come. -C'est la vie.

-Sorry the agent didn't call. -C'est la vie.

[Chloe] Come on, Bridget Jones.

Come on, Fraulein.

Aye aye, Captain!

[Carol] I did it in 20!

That's my girl.

♪ Tea, a drink with jam and bread ♪

♪ That will bring us back to ♪

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Do, a deer, a female deer ♪

-♪ Ray, a drop of golden sun ♪ -[phone ringing]

♪ Me, a name I call myself ♪

♪ Far, a long long way to run ♪

♪ Sew, a needle pulling thread ♪

♪ La, a note to follow sew ♪

♪ Tea, a drink with jam and bread ♪

♪ That will bring us back to ♪

♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ Do a deer, a female deer ♪

♪ Ray, a drop of golden sun ♪

♪ Me, a name I call myself ♪

♪ Far, a long long way to run ♪

♪ Sew, a needle pulling thread ♪

♪ La, a note to follow sew ♪

[light upbeat music]

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Beyond the sea ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪

♪ My lover stands on golden sands ♪

♪ And watches the ships ♪

♪ That go sailing ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high ♪

♪ Then straight to his arms ♪

♪ I'd go sailing ♪

[pulsating music]