Original subtitles

[folk music]

♪ Somewhere, beyond the sea, ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me, ♪

♪ My lover stands on golden sands, ♪

♪ And watches the ships that go sailing. ♪

♪ Somewhere, beyond the sea, ♪

♪ He's there watching for me. ♪

[Carol] All right Tom.

Morning Mrs. Porter.

Oh, thanks Tom.

We've just arrived.

No, we're going to the Sea Life Centre.

We've just had a cup of tea, a cup of tea.

What time you picking us up?

Six o'clock.

Six o'clock.

[Woman] What time is he picking us up?

Six o'clock.

What time is he picking us up?

Six o'clock.

[Carol] Enjoy your day.

Thank you, bye.

What time is he picking us up?

Six o'clock.

Bloody grockles.

Mother. Don't knock 'em.

They're our bread and butter.

Carol. Carol?

Carol!

Yes mum.

They're giving away copies of the Cliff Richard calendar

if you collect five coupons.

Hang on I'll get the scissors.

[Mum] Cliff on a calender.

Hiya Frank.

[Sarah] Lapsang souchong.

[Carol] It's posh tea.

I know, but why are you selling it?

We're appealing to a wider clientele.

[Mary] Tastes like mud.

Oh, mother you've never tried it.

No, but that hippie at club drinks it

and her breath smells like damp soil.

Well I think it looks classy.

Hello Stan.

[laughs]

Talk of the devil.

Hello Chloe love.

No thanks Carol, Dad says he'll be round in a bit.

Mary, I've got the dentist on Thursday

so I'll have to set your hair Friday.

Okay.

All right, Skittler?

[Sarah] What are you doing?

Pound shop Pam's dirty roots.

You want to try a lapsang souchong Chloe?

I'd rather eat my own sick.

Do you want to come for a jog in a bit?

I'd rather get your sick.

[Sarah] Is that a yes?

No, laters.

Laters.

Talk of the devil morning Jack.

All right my lovers.

[Sarah] Morning Mr. Dobson.

Sarah.

How's it hanging Jack?

Long and strong Mary, long and strong.

Ooh, Carol.

Look at this new menu.

Exclusive new menu Jack.

Chair late.

What's that?

Chai latte.

It's Indian Mr. Dobson.

Indian? No, it go right through me.

I'll just have the usual please Carol, to take away.

Oh you not stopping?

No, we got bridge.

See-a-ba--

Ciabatta, Jack.

Ciabatta, what's ciabatta?

Nothing. What's ciabatta with you?

[laughs]

[vehicle beeping]

Jack, stop faffing, Gavin's holding the bus.

If you miss it you'll have to go round.

It comes into that crossing again there.

I've heard.

It's criminal, Jack.

Yeah all right.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Bye-bye girls.

Bye Mr. Dobson.

Bye Jack.

[laughs]

I think someone's got a soft spot for you nan.

He should try that Viagra then.

Nan!

[Carol] Mother.

[guitar music]

Yeah mate, I appreciate that,

but I've been in London all week

and I haven't had a chance to move her stuff out yet.

Well, can you at least wait till next week

before you start showing people round?

Okay. No problem.

Thanks for nothing.

[glass smashing]

All right Susan you finish your porridge

and I'll be back in five minutes.

[shouting]

All right?

I am, are you?

[glass smashing]

Yeah, there goes the porridge.

All right Pauline?

How's the move going?

It's not really

We went on the donkeys.

[phone rings]

I remember when your dad used to take you

on the donkeys.

What's that mum?

Did we leave the oven on?

Sorry mate.

Dave? Hi yeah, can I call you back?

How long have you got?

Come on Pauline.

Let's get you a cup of tea.

Thanks mate.

That's no problem.

Let me know if you need a hand moving her stuff.

I don't suppose you're free tonight?

Oh, I can't tonight's pub quiz.

Do you want to come?

No, thanks.

Not really a pub quiz kind of guy.

All right laters.

[Shouting Woman] Richard.

Babe, I'm all yours.

[Shouting Woman] I'm ready for my breakfast now.

Hello, hello.

[Shouting Woman] I like porridge.

I was only messing with you, Richard where's my porridge?

Hello, hello?

[guitar music]

[Sarah] All right Miss Kylie.

[Brenda] Hello Sarah, you're mum about?

[Sarah] She's a bit busy at the moment.

Can I help you?

Just black coffee please, take away.

New menu.

Oh, I know, mum's trying to move with the times.

She'll have a job round here.

Where there's a will Miss Kylie.

That was a tough one Carol.

[Carol] Yes, mother.

Made a right mess.

[Carol] Well if you didn't hover,

it wouldn't splash, would it?

I've told you I'm not putting my bottom on that seat.

Oh, talk of the devil.

Hello, Brenda.

Hello, Carol.

You being served?

Yes. Thanks.

New menu looks good.

Exclusive new menu.

You want to try a lapsang souchong?

No, thanks.

Hi Carol, any leftovers?

End of the day, Frank, end of the day.

Mind your lace.

Cheers Carol.

And we think we've got it tough.

We missed you at the town planning meeting Carol.

Oh, yes, of course.

Sorry. I got caught up.

Was it good?

Oh, they got some really progressive ideas for this area.

Over my dead body.

I'd like to talk to you about it sometime.

It really could be of interest to you.

Yeah. Okay.

Maybe when I'm not so busy.

New menu going down well then?

Oh, where there's a will Brenda.

Good for you.

Like my dad always said, the oak sleeps in the acorn.

My dad always said don't play leap frog with a unicorn.

[laughs]

Okay. Well, better be off.

Thanks for this.

No problem.

Bye all.

Bye Brenda.

Toilet paper.

We need more toilet for the toilet paper.

Okay.

Oh talk of the devil, morning Richard.

Yeah not bad thanks. All right?

All right?

All right.

You want to try something off our

exclusive new menu Richard?

No just a take away tea please Carol?

Well you haven't looked yet.

No just a take away tea please Carol?

What about a lapsang souchong?

No thanks.

Its a posh tea.

No thanks.

Why not?

I don't like it.

-Well you've not tried it. -Nah.

-Live a little. -No thanks.

Why not?

Just a take away tea please Carol?

Oh, try a lapsang souchong.

Mum, he just wants a tea.

To take away tea please Carol?

You lot.

No sense of adventure.

Nice helmet.

Oh, I forgot I had it on.

What's going on?

Not much.

Got buy a cake for David's leaving do

but other than that, no.

-Oh, nice one. -What?

Halford's sale, chamois leathers and de-icer,

two for the price of one, bonus.

You got your car then?

No, just stocking up.

Good one.

There's your boring stuck in your ways tea Richard.

Cheers Carol.

What you doing?

The eternal question Richard.

An agent in Bristol wants to see another story.

Well that's good innit?

What's it about?

So far, a Brummie grockle

being terrorised by Cliff Richard on Viagra.

Sounds great.

It's a children's story.

I'd read it.

Thanks.

Do you want a drink before tonight?

What's tonight?

Quiz night.

Oh, flipping heck I totally forgot.

I need to get this done now.

You're allowed a night off Sarah.

Yes, I know, but I need to get this written

and sent by tomorrow.

Do you mind?

No. No, of course.

It's important.

I'll totally come if I get this done.

No, no, it's cool.

I'm walking the dog on a beach at six tho.

If you fancy a break?

Okay. Maybe.

Okay. Laters.

Laters.

Laters.

Bye Richard.

Bye Richard.

Yes?

I'm not saying anything.

That makes a change.

Just you be careful Sarah.

[Sarah] About what?

Knocking a gift horse in the face.

What?

That's all I'm gonna say.

But pride goes before a what's her name, Sarah.

Again, what?

That's all I'm going to say.

Is that all you're going to say?

That's all I'm going to say.

[Mary] Fall.

What's that Nan?

Pride goes before a fall.

Yeah. Thanks nan.

[folk music]

I still play a little piano.

About this big.

I'm joking of course.

[laughs]

So do you teach guitar or just play?

-Oh no, I teach. -Yeah?

On Tuesdays.

I always wanted to learn.

Oh yeah? You should.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

There's loads of teach yourself videos on YouTube.

Oh, I should get back.

See you.

-Okay. -Bye.

Laters.

[folk music]

What a mess.

What are you doing?

Sarah is trying to kill me.

I need a cigarette.

Are you a smurf?

-Avatar. -Course.

What time are we meeting up tonight?

Seven at the cafe.

Oh, I can't come.

Why not?

I've got work to do.

Shut up. We're already two men down.

And if I don't beat the netball team

I'll literally kill myself.

And then you. Okay.

You could ask Ava.

No, she wouldn't understand the questions.

She speaks better English than you.

Whatevs.

Exactly.

You do know that sex is better for you than jogging.

Is it?

Easier on the knees.

But that depends what position you're in.

How long has it been?

Not that long.

That means ages.

No, it doesn't.

Use it or lose it sister.

Thanks sister.

Is that true about sex being better for you than jogging?

That's what it says on Google.

Then I must be well fit.

Get in.

[Carol] I just worry about her Stan.

I know love, that's your job.

She's just finding her feet again that's all.

We've all been there haven't we?

And back again.

Brenda Kylie was in earlier.

Oh yeah, what she want?

Black coffee.

But I'm sure she was sniffing about.

You know what she's like,

she'll be trying to expand her empire.

She won't tho will she?

Not if we have anything to do with it.

Now get them cuttings into water Carol Porter.

Oh. Stan you're a poet

and you didn't realise it.

OMG look what the tide dragged in.

Maybe he can sort out your dry patch.

Don't say dry patch.

All right captain mysterious?

Hello?

Want to be on our quiz team later?

Oh,

What's the hesitation?

No, no hesitation.

We're not good enough for you now.

It's not that.

You embarrassed by us?

Absolutely not.

You think you're too good

for us because you moved to London?

What? No, not at all.

Only joking John.

I don't give a shit.

Are you in or are you out?

I don't know, I'm not very good at quizzes.

Don't put yourself down John.

Do you know the name of Brad and Angelina's first child?

No.

Why not?

Do you know the name of the person

who invented the light bulb?

Who cares? OMG?

Don't say OMG.

Oh my day.

I left pound shop Pam under the heater.

She's gonna look like a traffic light.

It's a pub quiz.

It's a pound a pint.

Be there or be the biggest loser ever.

Run Forrest run!

Right, well I better get back.

Will you test me on my lines later?

Yeah. I bring them to the pub.

You in a play?

Romeo and Juliet, theatre in the hut.

Wicked, Who are you playing?

The Chemist.

The Chemist, in Romeo and Juliet?

Yeah. It's meant to be Apothecary,

but Jeremy Gilbert can't say it.

Okay. Well time is money.

Laters.

Laters.

How's it going?

Yeah you know. Can't complain.

Really?

No. I want to complain about everything.

Know how you feel.

Well, maybe what you need is the dragon pub quiz.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, I'll have to see what mom's up to.

Bring her along.

Yeah, yeah maybe.

Okay. Well it's up to you.

No, no. I'll be there.

-Okay. Great. -Great.

Great then.

All right.

Well really is no way to do that like lady.

Looks all right to me.

-Smooth. -Smoother than you.

Laters.

Hi.

All right?

-All right? -Alright.

-Hi. -What's going on?

Nothing just, just jogging.

See you tonite.

Why what's tonite?

Pub quiz.

What you coming now?

Yeah.

What about your writing?

I'll finish it tomorrow.

See you later.

So you're coming now.

Yeah. Why not?

What about moving your mom's stuff?

I know, who'd have thought a pub quiz

would be more exciting.

Yeah. Right.

All right well I better get back.

Listen, thanks for not saying anything.

What about your girlfriend?

What? No, about my mum.

Well I'd lose my job if I did.

Ah, okay.

Well see you later.

Are you?

I thought you.

We're both.

Cool. So we'll just.

Yeah right.

Walk together.

[sea gulls chirping]

Laters.

Laters.

Oh yeah. That is posh Carol.

Thank you Stanley.

We are going straight from pitch to profit.

Now, then how about a lovely little lapsang souchong?

Hmm. Steady on saucy.

Only just had my breakfast.

It's a posh tea.

Nah, just a builders for me love.

Stan you're just as boring as the rest of them.

If it ain't broke Carol.

Rumpole of the Bailey, where did all these come from?

Oh, Kieron dropped them off for mum.

Love and Dr. Devin by Alan Titchmarsh.

Oh, Alan Titchmarsh.

Every housewife's favourite.

Him and Michael Bubbly.

Stan, look at these cuttings.

Freesias, from the Island of Good Hope.

Is there any other kind of hope Stanley?

Bob Hope.

[laughs]

He was a western lad.

His dad was a stone mason

with my Cyril's dad.

[Stan] He never was.

[Mary] Yep, fact.

Good Hope.

Thanks Stan.

[folk music]

[Stan] What you done with Paula Radcliffe?

She couldn't keep up Stan.

She didn't stop to squat did she?

Just the twice.

Okey-dokey. I got to see a man about a funeral wreath.

You fancy this quiz later, Carol?

Oh, I can't Stan.

I've got a lot to do today.

You're allowed a night off, mum.

I know, but I don't want to leave your nan.

[Mary] Why not?

Well, you don't want to be sat in on your own, do you?

Yes, Carol.

That's exactly what I want.

Leave me alone to enjoy my Rumpole.

Okey-dokey. No pressure.

Cause what's pressure for?

Pressure is for tyres.

Exactly, bang on, bye all.

Bye Stan.

What?

I'm not saying anything.

About what?

Just you be careful mother.

What's that supposed to mean?

That's all I'm going to say.

What?

Pride goes before a what's the name?

What?

That's all I'm gonna say.

Don't be ridiculous, Sarah.

That's all I'm going to say.

Fall.

What mum?

Fall Carol.

Pride goes before a fall.

Yes. Thank you, mother.

I think it's going to take more

than a new menu to change things around here.

Frank I told you end of the day.

No, that's all right, Carol.

I wanted a muffin and a lapsang souchong please?

Oh Frank, I could kiss you.

End of the day Carol, end of the day.

I'll do it.

That's okay Frank.

I'll bring your tea out to you.

Thank Sarah.

[folk music]

♪ Somewhere, beyond the sea, ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me, ♪

♪ My lover stands on golden sands, ♪

♪ And watches the ships that go sailing. ♪

♪ Somewhere, beyond the sea, ♪

♪ He's there watching for me. ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high, ♪

♪ Then straight to his arms, I'd go sailing. ♪