Original subtitles

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪

♪ My lover stands on golden sands ♪

♪ And watches the ships that go sailing ♪

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

[song continues in background]

Thanks Phil.

Tell your mom, I am sorry I'm late.

Okay.

I've put unleaded in the van, rather than diesel.

Oh no, not again.

Yeah. Nightmare.

Thanks Phil.

Yeah, I know mate. Such a weather

John!

Hey, What are you still doing?

Oh, sorry. Sure.

Hello? Hello. Yes, this is Sarah Porter.

Sorry. Yes, Sarah Porter.

Yeah, I sent some of my work to you recently.

Yes, that's the one.

Oh, okay.

Thanks for reading anyway. Bye.

You all right Frank?

Yeah. Can't complain, you know.

Are there any leftovers?

End of the day, Frank.

End of the day.

Hey James.

Oh Sarah, How are you?

Good. Thank you.

How are you?

-I'm very well. -You're looking good.

Oh, thank you.

Sarah! Any luck?

No. They didn't like it.

I thought that was going to be four of you today nan.

Well, Barbara was supposed to be here,

but she couldn't make it.

Why not?

She died.

Oh.

You back for good then Sarah?

Yeah. For a while.

[Mr. Dobson] Good girl to pick that place.

Did you turn your bogies black?

That's how they wear them in London Mr. Dobson.

Black is back.

Good one.

[Sarah giggles]

I like your hair Mrs. Dobson.

I look like mouldy coconut.

[Mrs. Dobson] We should eat in the green house.

[Mrs. Dobson] He's had it with me cuticles.

[Mr. Dobson] Follicles.

Shut up Jack.

Is that the post?

No, it's a toaster.

It gets later and later.

[Customer] Tea, Irish James, cup, not a mug.

[Mrs Dobson] Another communal horse went missing

this morning.

I know it was that dirty Elsie.

The menace.

Jack Dobson.

Oh, I wasn't looking.

What?

Nothing.

You put jam on your scone.

Oh no.

Oh Alice, a little bit of jam won't kill him.

It would if it got into his eyes

and he walked into oncoming traffic?

[everybody quiets down]

Think about it.

Don't mind the traffic.

He knows its cream first, jam second.

[Sarah's Nan] Says who?

Me and everyone else from Devon.

You are from Tonka.

Shut up Jack.

And cream cheese come from Cornwall.

Cornwall? Don't be ridiculous.

She's thinking to pass this.

Jack, get it off.

Oi Madam, James' tea.

Done it.

[baby coos in background]

[envelope rustles]

[page rustles]

[Carol] Well, at least

someone's getting some writing done.

[melancholic guitar plays]

[seagulls screech in the distance]

Brandon is just the kind of man, said Willoughby one day

when they were talking of him together,

whom everybody speaks well off

and nobody cares about.

[Man In Background] Well, I need the whole thing

signed off by Thursday.

No, I told you, I mean Western Superman.

Somerset.

Yes.

Well Thursday, no later.

Bye.

Sorry mate. I didn't know you were here.

It's all right.

How is she?

Up and down.

What is she today?

Fairly up.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

Bye Pauline.

All right Mum?

[seagulls squawk in distance]

[slow acoustic guitar music starts]

[Mary] Before you know it, it's scone.

[Mary laughs in the background]

[Mr. Dobson] Oh Mary.

[Mary laughs in the background]

Sarah, Listen to this.

[Mary] What's the fastest cake in the world?

[Sarah] I don't know nan.

What is the fastest cake in the world?

[Mary] Before you know it, it's scone.

[Mary laughs hysterically]

[Mary] Carol next door says scone.

[Mrs Dobson] I never liked him.

[Stanley] Hey, Mary.

Them lavender bags went down a treat at the council meeting.

You tell them they do wonders for the knicker drawers.

[Stanley] I did indeed.

The mayoress bought four.

What is lavender mean against Stanley?

Cleanliness, from the French laver.

[Mary] And what does that mean?

To wash.

It is clever.

Stan

Yes Alice.

Cream first or jam?

Oh, she's off again.

That's an easy one Alice.

Blob of cream, dollop of jam, Bob's your uncle.

And Fanny is your aunt.

[Mary] But that's not how I add it in Padstow.

That's because cream cheese come from Devon.

No, they don't.

Wait you say is scone are different from cream tea?

It wasn't.

It was called a Cornish cream tea.

That's cause they nicked it.

The dirty corns.

Cornish.

Shut up jam.

[Carol] Ladies

Does it matter so long as it tastes good?

Yes it does.

To who?

Actually Carol, the EU.

[Carol] The EU?

Yeah.

Devon took their cream teas to the EU.

Oh, did they liked them?

Not to eat Carol,

for protection.

From what?

Those dirty Corns.

Cornish.

Shut up jam.

They never did.

Yeah.

They wanted to stop people

selling their Devonshire cream teas,

and as the scones were baked in Devon,

the cream was processed in Devon,

or the whole thing was prepared in Devon.

Quite right.

Preposterous.

You can't just name foods

after the place they come from.

You tell that where Yorkshire pudding

Or an Eclair's cake.

Or a Jaffa cake.

Jaffa is not a place.

Yes, it it.

Where?

Israel.

Yeah, but it's not a cake.

Actually.

It is, Carol.

Says who?

The EU.

[Carol laughs mockingly]

They can mind their own business.

Yeah.

Now that I do agree with.

Yum, yum.

Eat Devonshire cream tea.

[knife clinks]

Shove that up your EU.

[Carol] Where are you going madam?

[door opens]

Tea break.

[Carol] Oh, well.

We would all like a tea break.

[Carol] Don't be long.

[door closes]

[relaxing music starts]

Tea Break.

[Carol sips tea disapprovingly]

[Stan sips tea]

[seagulls screech]

[Chloe] Did you watch the Discovery channel last night

Mrs. Smith?

What time?

Eight

No.

Skating on the ice was on.

They had this documentary about stroke victims.

They showed you this thing called the atheroma

which is somewhere in your neck.

Hey.

All right Mrs Smith.

[Mrs Smith giggles]

What's going on?

An international convention on cream teas.

Don't let.

You cream first or jam, Mrs Smith?

Definitely cream.

No.

Jam innit.

What's that joke about scones?

Scone.

Yeah

Completely.

All right Ava?

Hello

How's it going?

Good. Thank you.

What time is your tea break?

Be there in 20.

[Sarah] Okay.

Later.

[Chloe] Later.

So because of this swollen atheroma thing,

when you lie back, it's more harder

for the blood to get to your heart.

And that's why so many old people have a stroke and die

just after having their hair washed.

Fascinating, innit?

Anyway, I'm going in for a wee.

I'll leave Ava to finish it off.

[Voicemail] You are through to the

New World Literary Agency.

Please leave a message,

after the tone.

[voicemail beeps]

[Sarah] Hello.

This is Sarah Porter.

I sent you a manuscript

a couple of weeks ago

and I wondered,

if anyone's had a chance to read it yet.

Any feedback would be great.

Thanks.

Love you.

Bye.

[melancholic piano music plays]

[fish snaps]

[seagulls screech in background]

[children talk in background]

Hi.

All right?

Great devil costume.

I'm not the devil.

I'm hell boy.

[Man In Suit] Oh, doesn't hell boy move?

Not when he's thinking.

Of course.

[coins drop in cup]

Thought you were only staying a few days.

Yeah.

Change of plan.

[bicycle bell rings]

All right?

All right.

All right?

All right.

Coffee in 34 seconds?

Yeah.

Just got to pick up the missing air freshener

from my car magazine.

Okay.

Later.

Later.

Bye.

Okay, well.

I'll leave you to it.

Bye

[piano starts playing]

[relaxing guitar music plays]

[seagulls screech in distance]

Big Issue.

[Stan] That's three all.

[Stan] Come on girls.

[Alice] Brussel sprouts.

[Stan] Alice stops and thinking outside the box.

That's four three to Alice.

Come on, Mary.

[Alice] Bonbon.

[Stan] Double whammy.

That's four all.

Brasil nuts.

Good one.

That's five four to Alice.

Bakewell tart.

Yes, Mary.

Five all.

Jamaica ginger cake.

Jamaica ginger cake.

No Alice, I bought it from the supermarket.

Six, five.

[Alice] Frankfurter.

[Stan] Yes, Mary.

[Alice] It's not a place called Frank.

Frankfurt.

Yes.

Six all.

Tie break.

Next one wins.

Mars bar.

Mars bar.

[everyone bursts out laughing]

[Alice] Oh shut up.

Talk of the devil.

Are you okay there love?

I'm not the devil.

I'm hell boy.

Who?

Never mind.

All right scatter?

No, it feels like Groundhog day.

Well, who else has been in here

dressed like this?

Was it that dwarf

from Claverdon?

No.

He wants to stick to his own turf.

What you having?

Usual please, plus straw.

Right.

I need your help.

With what?

I signed up for some dating website.

That's proactive.

I know,

but it's been

14 and a half hours

and I've heard nothing.

Not even from a weirdo.

As my friend.

And be honest.

Am I ugly?

[steamer froths milk]

No.

Just give it time.

I can't.

I've only got nine and a half hours

till my free subscription runs out.

Which ones did you join?

All of them.

Chaps for chaps .info,

More chaps for chaps .info,

Hairy bears are us .com.

What's a hairy bear?

You do not want to know.

Queen dream .org,

Silver queen train .org,

J date.

J date?

Jewish dating website.

You're not Jewish.

Well they don't know that.

Won't take them long to figure it out.

[Hell Boy chuckles nervously]

I know.

Help me.

[Sarah laughs]

Hello.

[Carol] Talk of the devil.

Hello Chloe love.

Don't say nothing.

Okay.

All right Skittles?

All right.

Nice top.

Cheers.

Two for one Primani.

Don't say nothing about what?

Kieran signed up for some dating websites.

She might be able to help.

Oh, you must be desperate.

Latte please.

Excuse me, but one in five people

actually meet their life partner

on the internet.

Yeah, but you're just desperate.

Correct.

Help me.

Which ones did you join?

All of them.

Men for Ken?

No.

Worth a look.

Okay, nice one.

What are we doing later?

Me and mom are two episodes away

from finishing series three of The inbetweeners.

Result.

I don't know why you're single.

Pot. Kettle.

What about you?

Porques?

Do you wanna watch a film?

Uh, what film?

This new Spanish one.

In Weston?

No, Bristol.

Bristol?

Bristol.

Bristol?

Yeah.

Can you speak Spanish?

No, it's subtitled.

You want me to go to Bristol to read a film?

Yeah.

You've changed.

Why?

Because I want to watch a film?

Read a film.

In Bristol.

It's called culture.

It's called rubbish.

I can't anyway.

Why?

Meeting that guy from Rocky Hill.

Oh, the one with the imaginary friend?

Totally.

See?

Even she can get a weirdo.

I've got nothing.

Nothing.

Hasn't he got a real girlfriend?

What plays in Western stays in Western.

You haven't changed.

No, I have not.

[Carol] Oh, talk to the devil.

Hello Richard love.

Hello Richard.

Yeah, not bad, thanks.

All right?

All right?

All right.

You on your bike, Dickie pants.

What gave it away?

What's that?

Air freshener from my car.

You got your car then, Richard.

Yep.

Have you?

Nearly.

No then.

No, but I got an air freshener.

Oh, smells nice Richard.

Yeah, pineapple.

Come on Jack, we will be late from West.

[Jack moans]

Hold on Jack, I'll give you a hand.

How is the hip Jack?

See you tomorrow, when the smell's gone.

On the way.

Bye.

Come on Jack.

Bye all.

Bye Mr. Dobson.

By Jack.

[Jack signals okay]

What's going on?

Keiran signed up to some dating website.

Peppermint tea, please.

My gims repeating on me.

Right.

Drama queen.

You want a fag?

Yes, please.

Enjoy your imaginary three way.

Oh, I will.

Bye.

Bye.

Later.

Can I get one of those

loose green teas as well,

please Sarah.

[coins clink]

[till beeps and opens]

How's it going with the writing agents?

It's not.

It will

Do you fancy the cinema later?

Odeon?

No, Bristol.

Bristol?

Yeah.

What to see?

This new Spanish film.

Can you speak Spanish?

No, it's subtitled.

Can't.

Teaching Toni Tuesdays, innit.

I'm walking the dog on a beach

at 6:30 though, if you fancy it.

Okay.

Maybe.

Oh no.

I put jam on first.

It really doesn't matter.

Of course it does.

[Richard sucks on finger]

Okay.

Well, I better get off.

One of the residents swallowed TCP,

thinking it was mouthwash.

You don't swallow mouthwash.

That's why he's in the care room.

Later.

Later.

[Stan] Bye Rick a d**k.

[Carol] Bye Richard.

Bye

What are the Pansies?

The thinking flower from the French panse.

[Mary] And what does that mean?

To think.

Which is clever.

[Sarah] Later.

Now where are you going?

[Sarah] To get some fresh air.

Why don't you walk the dog with Richard?

Honestly, that girl, she needs a boyfriend.

Not fresh air.

She'll sort herself out Carol.

She's got more chance of walking on water.

All right Sarah?

Sorry.

Here you go Frank.

Sarah, thank you so much.

Sure.

[kids play in the distance]

[sombre music plays]

Hey Sarah.

You know what this is, don't you?

What's that Frank?

Well, it's the fastest cake in the world, you see.

Before you know it, it's scone.

That is a good one Frank.

Stan.

Yes Mary.

What do chrysanthemums mean?

You're a true friend.

[Mary] And what about roses?

Oh come on Mar.

Everyone knows that.

I love you.

Oh, Carol.

It's all so sudden.

[Carol] You deaf bucker.

Interesting.

Very interesting.

Penny for your thoughts.

Oh, hey.

Only a penny?

Credit crunch.

You don't get that in London.

No.

But you do get Tower bridge.

Good point.

Hyde Park,

Houses of Parliament,

Buckingham Palace.

Also true.

Big Ben,

St. Paul's Cathedral,

London Eye.

There's no Western wheel.

True.

And the pier.

Also true.

And donkeys.

Why did I stay away so long?

So how come you're still in Western stupid mud?

I'm a got roped into helping my mum move house.

Oh, no.

Western super nightmare.

You must be desperate to get back by now?

Nah.

I'm all right.

I can hear me all rubbish

Western super sayings a bit longer.

I meant back to London.

I know.

Apparently Tiessen loved it here.

Who?

Tiessen.

Bless you.

Idiot.

It wasn't Tiessen, it was Turner.

Smart ass.

Just stating the facts.

Me too.

So you back for good now then?

Oh no, no.

Hopefully not.

I don't know, maybe.

Who knows?

Maybe.

Hopefully not.

Maybe.

So things look pretty certain then?

Yeah, pretty much sorted.

Maybe.

No.

I better get back.

Gonna brush up on your romantic painters?

No, actually I'm going to Bristol to watch a film.

Oh yeah.

Which one?

Oh, it's this new Spanish one.

Enjoy.

I'll see you around.

Sure.

It wasn't Tiessen, it was Turner.

[relaxing music plays]

You done James?

[James] Until the next week.

[Carol] You want to try that email James?

Jesus you are joking, aren't you?

My Mom's only just worked out how to use her plugin kettle.

She melted the first one on the hub.

Oh well, nice to see someone caring about their mother.

Well, one letter a week won't kill me.

Bye now.

[Mary] Bye

[Carol] Bye.

[Mary] I isn't Stan clever with his cuttings Carol?

What's that Mom?

I said, isn't Stan clever with his cuttings.

Yes Mom.

Roses for, I love you.

Chrysanthemums for my friend.

You all right?

Yeah. You enjoy your fresh air?

Yes, thank you.

[Mary] I was just saying to your mother.

Isn't Stan clever with his cuttings?

Is he now?

[Mary] Yeah, all the different meanings.

Yeah. It's clever now.

[Mary] Roses for, I love you.

Chrysanthemums for my friend.

I said Roses for I love you.

Chrysanthemums for my friend.

Yeah.

It is clever nan.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

You know what you could do?

What?

Have a cream tea.

You would have to be quick, though.

Why is that?

Because it's the fastest cake in the world.

Before you

Is it cream first or jam?

Shut up.

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high ♪

♪ Then straight to his arms ♪

♪ I'd go sailing ♪

Pedal.

Pedal.

Pedal.

I am pedalling.

Joined speed dating?

Are you kidding me?

I'll go with you.

Okay.

Nice one.

[both high five]

I'd try anything at this point.

Saucy little devil.

I am not the devil.

I'm Hell Boy.