Original subtitles

-[upbeat relaxing music] -♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪

♪ My lover stands on golden sands ♪

♪ And watches the ships that go sailing ♪

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds on high ♪

-Here you go, David. -Cheers, Carol.

♪ I'd go sailing ♪

[knitting needles clicking]

[gulls squawking]

One of the bin men fell over this morning, Carol.

I saw him out the window.

He was wheeling the bin, the wheelie one,

and it got stuck on the pavement

and he fell over into the road.

Carol?

What's that, Mum?

I said one of the binmen fell over this morning.

He was wheeling the bin, the wheelie one,

and it got stuck on the pavement

and he fell over into the road.

Did he, Mum?

Yeah.

The wheelie one.

Into the road.

He's ever so lucky a car wasn't coming.

He'd have been dead.

Okay, Stan. See you in a bit.

Have you seen my calculator?

It's by the ball of elastic bands.

James Martin's mum was at the Deaf Aid dinner.

-Pardon? -James Martin's Mum was at...

Oh, very funny.

[Mary laughs]

He's a lawyer now in Bridgewater.

-Who is? -James Martin.

He'd sort you out.

Sort me out? I don't need to sorting out.

Makes a lot of money, according to his mother.

-Who does? -James Martin.

Make a lovely boyfriend.

-Who would? -James Martin.

[Mary] Who's James Martin?

Can we please stop talking about James Martin?

Is he that chef?

No, Nan.

I likes him on "Saturday Kitchen".

I don't need a boyfriend.

Well, you're not gonna get one moping around here

with a face like a smacked arse.

I'm not moping.

And you can't keep pining after Christopher.

I'm not pining, I just don't want a boyfriend.

Don't be ridiculous, Sarah. Everyone wants a boyfriend.

Lesbians don't.

Are you lesbian?

[Sarah] Not that I'm aware of.

It's okay if you are.

I know, but I'm not. Are you?

[Carol] No.

It's okay if you are.

I know, but I'm not.

You do wear comfy shoes.

I'm just saying it's time you moved on.

[Mary chuckles]

[Mary] Pot calling kettle. [chuckles]

[light upbeat music]

[train whistle hoots]

Did you know, Mrs. Dobson,

that by the time they reach 60,

the average human being has lost half their taste buds?

That doesn't surprise me.

So I've got you two and a half biscuits to make up for it.

Back in a min.

All right, Dad?

Chloe. What is wrong with that?

I don't know.

How many bottles of shampoo did you order?

-50. -Look again.

Uh, 50. Oh, whoops-

Yes, whoops, we don't need

500 bottles of shampoo, you clown.

Go and cancel the order.

Kids, eh, Alice?

Can't live with them. Can't kill them.

Where are you going?

To take a long walk off a short pier.

Ooh, get me a latte and tell Sarah I'll be down in a bit.

What did your last servant die of? Laters.

Now, Mrs. D, found anything you fancy?

[light upbeat music]

Oh, that's interesting.

[gulls squawking]

[Carol] Business going well though, Brenda?

Well, I really can't complain, Carol.

There we are. Blueberry muffin, take-away black coffee.

That's 3.50 please.

Will I see you at the town planning meeting

next week, Carol?

[Carol] Oh yes, definitely.

Yeah, you should come.

They've got some great ideas for the seafront.

Might be of interest to you.

Oh yes, lovely.

Great. Thanks for this.

Nice to be home, Sarah?

Yeah, you know.

I don't know how you do it.

Two minutes with my mother

and I'd throw her down the stairs.

[Sarah and Brenda laugh]

Bye, all!

-Bye. -Bye, Brenda.

[door clicks]

You think she goes to bed in that suit?

You wanna do that in an Excel spreadsheet, Carol.

Yeah, thank you, Bill Gates.

Oh, for goodness sake. I keep getting the same number.

[Mary] That's good.

Not if you can't pay it.

[door squeaks]

Ooh, talk of the devil. Hello Richard, love.

Yeah not bad, thanks. All right?

-All right? -All right.

-All right? -All right.

Carol, Big Issue Frank wants to know

if there's any leftovers yet.

End of the day, Frank. End of the day.

What can I get for you, Richard?

Could I get a egg mayo baguette

but no mayo, on a roll please.

-Egg roll then? -Yeah.

Do you want a muffin, Richard?

-No, thanks. -Oh, go on.

Okay. How's the writing going Sarah?

[Carol] Ooh, don't mention the war, Richard.

Okay. Got a new car today, Sarah.

-Did you? -Yep.

-Did you, Richard? -Yep, off the internet.

[gasps] You got a car off the internet?

Yep.

Pound Shop Pam's daughter got boyfriend off the internet.

Okay? I'm gonna lease it.

Normally would have been 300 a month, got it down to 270.

[Carol] Oh, well done, Richard. Good lad.

Yep, plus extras.

[Mary] Who's Pound Shop Pam?

You sat next to her at Alice's barbecue.

She had coleslaw all round her mouth. No one told her.

Oh yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, electric windows, fitted alarm,

sound system, and interior fabric protection

if I can't remove a stain.

-ABS brakes, Richard? -No.

-Trip computer? -No.

Wendy's nephew got his car with ABS brakes

and a trip computer.

Oh, right.

What is a trip computer, Richard?

I dunno, Mar.

It sounds wonderful, Richard.

Cheers, Carol.

So where is it?

[Richard] Where's what?

Your car.

Oh, uh, well I haven't got it yet.

-Oh. -But I will though.

Of course you will.

-It's gonna be amazing. -Amazing.

Yeah, yeah. He's a real entrepreneur.

He owns the third largest flying school in Europe.

[upbeat rock music]

Cool, well Skype me for the morning meeting

and I'll be back in the afternoon.

Uh, no. Bazingy hours are til six.

I don't know man.

I haven't seen him in years.

[laughs] Yes, mate. Home sweet home.

Well, wish me luck.

♪ I am the one and only ♪

-♪ You can't take ♪ -[phone rings]

♪ That away from me ♪

♪ I am the one and only ♪

♪ Ain't nobody I'd rather be ♪

[gulls squawking]

[siren blaring]

Oh, something's going on.

[Mary] There's trouble for someone.

They caught who stole Susie's purse in the end.

[Mary] Did they?

Mm, remember the twins that lived on Drakefield Road?

Came to your sixth birthday party

dressed as a chest of drawers.

-[Sarah] No. -Well it was one of them.

-[Mary] Which one? -Bottom one.

Talk of the devil. Hello, Stan.

Hi, my lovers, Dicky-pants.

All right, Stan?

Oh, struggling on as a boy does.

Just a tea please, Carol, paper cup.

I'll do it.

D'you want a muffin, Stan?

Yeah, go on then.

Don't you dare, they've been sat there a week.

You want apple pie, Stan?

Oh, proper job.

[Carol] You want your cheese on it?

Carol, apple pie without the cheese is like a

[Carol And Stan] Kiss without the squeeze. [laugh]

Actually Carol, leave the cheese.

Probably best to leave the pie and all.

Stan, you'll waste away.

I wish! There's today's cuttings.

Oh, they're gorgeous.

Few leftover daisies from a christening bouquet.

And what do daisies mean?

The days eye.

Open with the day, close with the night.

Bang on.

Thanks, love. Oh, Chloe says she'll be round in a bit.

[Carol] Oh how is she?

Thick as a whale omelette.

[Carol laughs]

Here, Dig-Dig.

Your dad told me about that gig. Good news, ey?

What gig?

Guitar and backing vocals for Meatloaf.

-[Sarah] Meatloaf? -Yeah, Comeback Tour 2012.

[Carol] I didn't know they'd gone away!

That's amazing.

Can't do it though.

[Sarah] Why not?

Teach guitar on a Tuesdays, init.

Richard.

I've got responsibilities, Sar.

But it's Meatloaf.

Well, that's life.

You're something else you are, lad.

Oh, who invited Night Rider?

[gasps] That's posh.

Is that like yours, Richard?

No. That's a Porsche.

I got a Clio.

Not yet, you haven't.

No, but I will have.

Wendy's nephew's got an Aston Martin.

Austin Maestro, Nan.

Well, those flowers won't deliver themselves.

You fancy a drink later, Carol? See off the week?

Oh, I can't tonight, Stan.

I gotta get the accounts over to Brian.

Okie-dokie, but you keep turning me down, I'll move on.

Here, Mar, you fancy little tipple?

Oh not tonight, Stanley. I'm washing my hair.

Well if you need any shampoo,

Chloe's ordered enough to re flood Brisbane.

-Bye, all. -Buh-bye, Stanley.

-Bye. -Bye, Stan.

[light upbeat music]

[gulls squawking]

What you up to later?

No plans.

Okay, well, I'm walking a dog on the beach at six

-if you fancy it. -Okay, maybe.

Okay. Well, I'd better get back to work.

When Kieran comes in, tell him to answer his phone.

Okay.

-Laters. -Laters.

-Bye, Richard. -Bye, Richard.

[door clunks]

What?

I'm not saying anything.

-[Sarah] I can see that. -But you was a lovely couple.

12 years ago, Mum.

I know, but look at him now.

[Sarah] What about him now?

-Good job, own car. -No he hasn't.

-Got a gig with Meatloaf. -No he hasn't.

He's got a dog and he composts.

Oh, wow. Hand me a rolling pin and I'll bake him a cake.

What's wrong With baking cakes?

Nothing. Richard and I are friends, Mum.

-Does he know that? -Course he does.

You're sure you're not a lesbian?

[Sarah] Yes.

You look a bit like a lesbian.

What does that mean?

I don't mind if you are.

Wendy's daughter's a lesbian and she's done ever so well.

And she's single. You should give her a call.

You used to love meatloaf, didn't you Carol?

[Carol] What's that, Mum?

Meatloaf every Monday,

gammon and pineapple every Meatloaf,

fish and chips on a Friday.

Those were the days.

Every day's the same these days.

What's that, Nan?

I said every day's the same these days.

-Yeah. -[car beeps]

[Carol] Oh, hello there.

Hi, can you tell me how to get to Wetlands Nursing Home?

Are you driving or walking?

-Driving. -Oh, that's a shame.

There it is.

Oh, which one?

It's the one with the blue sign.

[John] Cheers.

-Hi. -Hi.

Sorry, do I know you?

No, but I do come here often.

Sarah Porter.

-Yeah? -It's John.

John Streatfield, A-level English Lit.

John, sorry. I didn't recognise you with the...

It's been a while.

[Sarah] Yeah. You used to be so-

Fat?

-No, different. -Mm.

Nice car.

Oh yeah, cheers.

Corners like she's on rails.

Did you just quote "Pretty Woman"?

I think I might have done, yeah.

Smooth.

Well, you know, nobody puts Baby in a corner.

[Sarah laughs]

Have you got a toilet I could...?

-It's just... -Thanks.

-Well he's lovely! -Ssh!

[Mary] Is he blind?

I don't think so.

Why is he wearing dark glasses indoors then?

Ssh!

Oh, talk of the devil. Hello, Chloe love.

Mar, Carol, Scutler.

-All right? -Latte please,

and a diet water for the anorexic.

-Oh, how is she? -Thin.

OMG, Mrs. Dobson just told me the best fact in the world.

The blue whale has a willy that's 12 foot long

and dispenses of one tonne of sperm.

Imagine that thing racing towards you in bed.

Oh, that'll make your eyes water.

No pain, no gain, Carol.

All right, Scutler?

-All right? -All right?

Oh, talk of the devil. Hello, Kieran love.

Kieran, Mrs. Dobson just told me

the best fact in the world.

-A whale has- -12 foot, one tonne.

She told me. Usual please, Carol.

Plus straw. Don't wanna smudge.

-[Sarah] Good one. -What've you come as

today then, Kieran?

The Tin Man, but I don't have no silver.

[laughs] You look like a Quality Street.

Cheers, Mar.

There's your USB.

[gasps] Oh. Thanks, love.

[Carol] What have you given her today?

-Matt Cardle. -Ooh no.

Uh, he's lush.

Richard says answer your phone.

How many times? I'm a living statue.

I cannot just answer my phone willy-nilly.

What we doing later?

Freddie Mercury tribute at the Yateses.

-[Chloe] There we are then. -Magnifico.

[toilet flushes]

-Oh, cheers Carol. -Cheers, Carol.

Thanks.

OMG, Jimbo Jumbo?

-Chloe Astill. -OMG!

-How are you doing? -What happened to you?

-You used to be so- -Different?

-No, fat. -Chloe!

Well, he did. You did.

I thought you lived in London.

I did. I do.

Sarah used to live in London.

Ah, did you? Where d'you live now?

-Here. -Oh, sorry.

Cheers. [laughs]

So what do you do in London?

I'm an events manager.

What, like fetes and stuff?

Yeah. Yeah, really big fetes.

Like what?

Well, like the Olympics.

-The Olympics? -The Olympics?

-The Olympics? -The Olympics?

Yeah.

You're managing the actual Olympics?

Not the actual Olympics, but you know,

events connected with the Olympics, yeah.

Oh my G.

[Sarah] Don't say, "Oh my G".

What do you do?

I'm a hairdresser.

Oh. And you?

Um, sort of nothing at the moment.

She's a writer, John.

No I'm not.

Oh don't be ridiculous, Sarah, of course you are.

[John] What do you write?

Children's stories.

-Do you? -Do you?

-Do you? -Yeah.

[Kieran slurps]

It's Kieran.

Of course, sorry.

I couldn't tell with all the gold.

I'm a living statue.

Oh, and that's a-

-Yeah it's my career. -Sure.

So how long are you back for?

Just a couple of days.

What you doing later?

Do you wanna come to a Freddie Mercury tribute up Yateses?

-Oh, I've got a- -Life?

No, no. [chuckles]

I have to visit a relative.

He's going to Wetlands.

That's where Richard works. Remember Richard?

Oh yeah. He's given up trying to be a rock star then?

No.

-[phone rings] -Sorry.

Is that Seb Coe about the velodromes?

Something like that. Sorry.

Hi, Steve?

Hello? Can you hear me?

Yeah, I am literally in the arse end of nowhere.

Nice to see you all again.

What the hell happened to him?

He used to be a right minger.

Richard used to hate him.

[Sarah] Why?

Because he used to fancy you.

-He used to fancy me? -He used to fancy her?

Don't sound so surprised.

-Who used to fancy her? -[car engine revs]

John used to fancy her.

John used to fancy her?

Don't sound so surprised.

Some people will do anything for attention.

Right, I'd better remove Mrs. Dobson from under the dryer.

She found a photo in "Heat" she got me to copy.

-Who of? -Russell Brand.

She's nearly 80.

I know, she's gonna look wicked!

-Laters. -Laters.

John used to fancy me?

Oh don't sound so surprised.

How did I not know that?

Uh, because you're always looking the wrong way?

Thanks Carol.

-Laters. -Laters.

Ta-ra, golden balls.

Well, John's-

Don't start.

[Carol] I'm not starting, I'm just saying-

-Mum- -He's got a good job.

-Mum- -Posh car.

Mum!

Well you've gotta do something, Sarah.

I am doing something.

[Carol] What?

Trying to sort out my career.

No one ever made a living out of being a writer.

Yes they did.

Well not anyone from Weston.

-Yes they did. -Who?

Roald Dahl, John Cleese, Jeffrey Archer.

Yeah, and look how he turned out.

Lord Archer.

I'm just saying that I don't want

you to be sat there in 20 years time,

penniless and alone.

'Cause what'll you do then?

Run a cafe.

Well, yes. Let that be an incentive.

[Mary] Diana Doors.

What about her, Nan?

She came to Weston.

She came third in a beauty contest at the Tropicana.

-When? -1945.

How do you know that?

Who do you think came first?

[Sarah laughs]

[light pensive music]

Yeah, I'm just waiting to see her now.

Uh, [coughs] no, I'll be back Monday.

Tonight? I dunno.

Probably just catch up with some old mates.

Yeah, okay, love you too. Bye.

Richard Dickens.

John Streatfield, long time no see.

Yep.

D'you want to come through?

Can't she be bothered to come and meet me?

When was the last time you saw your mum?

Uh, it's been a while. Why?

Okay, I think we need to have a bit of a chat

before you go in.

How did I end up back here, Nan?

You got dumped, quit your job and ran out of money.

Oh yeah. Thanks, Nan.

-Nan? -Yes.

How long were you and granddad together?

[Mary] 50 years.

Were you happy?

God no, he was a cantankerous, miserable

old bugger. [chuckles]

Do you miss him?

Every day, love. Every day.

But, you know what they say?

[Sarah] What's that?

Get a new man on your body

to get the old one off your mind.

[laughs] Thanks, Nan.

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪

♪ My lover stands ♪

-♪ On golden sands ♪ -[horn beeps]

♪ And watches the ships that go sailing ♪

"Big Issue"?

♪ Somewhere beyond the sea ♪

♪ He's there watching for me ♪

♪ If I could fly like birds ♪

-♪ On high ♪ -"Big Issue"?

♪ Then straight to his arms I'd go sailing ♪

[pulsing music]