Original subtitles

This is a Cal Vista presentation.

Well, I suppose we can begin the reading of the will.

You know, it's rather unusual, but you two boys are the only people mentioned

in your late uncle's will.

Oh, he was a good man.

A little bit eccentric.

He was crazy as a fucking loon. Don't kid yourself.

He was not crazy as a loon. He was a good-hearted man. Don't kid yourself.

May I continue?

This is the last will and testament of James P. Phillips.

Being of sound body and mind... Can we cut the crap and get on to the good

stuff, huh? Young man, have some respect for the wishes of the dead.

It's all right. My brother Abel doesn't mean any harm.

Please, skip ahead.

Relax. Very well.

Let's see.

Here it is.

To my nephew Abel, whom I have always believed to be rotten to the core.

I leave... Jack.

Shit.

Are you all right?

To Abel's twin brother, Shane, I leave my entire fortune.

Entire fortune?

Provided that he continues the work to which I've dedicated my life.

You see, in my life of a bachelor, I learned that the loneliest hours were

those from six until nine every evening.

That's true.

All of the people with families had gone home.

And I was left alone.

So it was that

I began helping needy people from six until nine every evening.

I would also like, Shane, a kind-hearted bachelor like myself, a man whose spirit

soars with the joy of helping his fellow beings.

A supremely generous and self-sacrificing individual.

This is the man I'd like to have wear my uniform while he's doing his good deeds.

Why, it's wonderful.

Wonderful? I'm getting out of here before I puke. The old fart was out of

his fucking tree.

I'm not going to stand for this.

Oh, don't go, Abel.

We can work this out, please. Don't go. I love you, Abel.

What I wouldn't do to get back at that kiss-ass brother of mine.

What if you found a girl?

I want to get married.

He barely even looks at girls.

What if he did?

What I would do...

I'm Abel. I'm Shane's brother.

I'm so happy to meet you.

I was afraid you wouldn't come.

Oh, you're nothing like your brother.

Really? Oh, that's because... Have a seat.

Ever since I was little, I've always been the black sheep of the family.

Oh, come now. It can't be that bad.

It's probably worse.

Oh, no.

Come on.

I've been rotten to the core.

Oh,

what do we got here?

No. Just a little? No. What if your brother would come in? No.

Me and my brother have always shared everything.

Everything. No.

The answer is still no.

A little tiny licking. Thank you.

Oh, this is beautiful. Down, sweetheart, down.

Oh, beautiful looking body.

Oh, my brother's got good taste.

Oh, lift up.

Come on, sweetheart, don't fight.

Oh,

look at this underpants.

If he walks in, I'll be too busy laughing to worry about it.

Love it. Okay.

Come here.

That. Lie back.

Lie back.

That is beautiful.

Excuse me.

Ooh, let me try second finger.

No.

Ah.

Holy shit.

You look tight.

You're really a virgin.

Here, take my jacket off.

Thank you. I'm a virgin. Holy shit.

Ooh, come here.

You don't mind this, do you?

I just haven't met a virgin before.

It's very nice.

Ooh. Thanks, Greta. Thank you.

My brother has good taste. Very pretty.

couldn't be able to walk.

Oh, good. Here.

Oh, baby, ride it.

Come on, move on it. There you go.

Oh,

that dynamite.

Oh,

bad girl.

Marry my brother, that's me.

Take it real deep. Go back. Go deep.

Go forward again.

Come back.

What's that, Sam?

What's that, Sam?

I want to come all over your body.

Look at what a mess you're in.

Shane, hi.

I introduced myself to your bride. Nice girl.

Loyal.

Abel, I'm so glad you came.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Shit.

I can't even win in my dreams.

Hello. Hi, those two girls out here say they have an appointment with you this

afternoon. Goodie. Bring them in.

Hello.

Oh, where was I?

Okay. Imagine I'd like the girls to sell.

is the Phillips Mansion.

The Phillips Mansion?

No sweat. I could sell it with my eyes closed and my legs.

Oh, good. Especially because I'm only asking a million dollars for it, which

makes your commission $200,000.

Wow. Oh, well, let's get started.

No, we'll just hold the legs together for the time being, and I'll explain.

Now, you can sell the house between the hours of 6 and 9 in the evening only.

I'm going to give you some data on the sexual weaknesses of the various

clients.

Use that information.

I need the house to be sold fast.

Any way you can.

You understand?

Mm-hmm. Good.

Then get going.

Ciao.

Sandra, do I look stupid to you?

What do you think I do in here all day?

Oh, you sleazy twat.

Voila. What is it?

This is the computer for lust, information, and tips.

Clip.

This little baby is programmed with information on every wealthy person

living in the free world. Work it for me, please.

All right.

You must be the real estate agent.

That's right. I'm Jill.

And you must be Roger Roy. At your service.

This is my boy, Skipper.

Pleased to meet you.

You know, I can just tell by looking at you that you're the right kind of people

for this house. So come aboard and let me show you some of the special

features. Skip the bullshit, sailor. We're just looking for a text right now.

Well, whatever you say, bud. Let me show you around.

This, for example, is the sensuous living room. Perfect, friend.

What's next?

And this is the magnificent master bedroom suite.

I just know that a sailor like you

would understand how to enjoy this captain's bed.

It's not bad. Not bad at all.

Skip?

It's all right, I guess.

You're a spoiled brat.

Always have been.

My wife died about five years ago.

Haven't known what to do with him ever since.

Seeing this room only makes it lonelier.

Is there anything I could do, too?

Well,

actually, there is, yes. I've wondered what it would be like to see a young

sailor, a woman, on board this house.

Well, slip down and heave to, lassie.

Very nice.

This is what you had in mind?

Yes. It's damn good.

Take those panties off.

And that silly little bra.

I Have been known to have the hardest cash around friends and

family son Someday all this will be yours

Why not

Climb aboard son

It's time for you.

You've been a virgin long enough.

That's what I needed to make a conflicted shift in.

Oh,

okay.

Let me put it in my ass.

Just slide it in there slowly.

Back up a bit.

We're all the way up.

Oh, man, you just got me.

Does it hurt?

Oh.

You want me to fuck you in the ass if it comes?

Suck it, huh?

I don't want to get in my ass now.

Suck it.

Suck it.

See,

Dad, I'm glad I came along with you.

Thank you very much.

cash for a check.

Young lady, I have never paid for it in my life.

But I am certainly not going to begin now.

But... Come on, let's get it.

But I mean for the house.

Yeah, I got a break for you.

I've got a present for you.

There's a very rich Mexican tycoon who's looking for a classy place.

And you're going to sell it to him. Be at his home at 6 o'clock sharp. Okay?

And here's the data.

Why are you doing this for me?

Well, he wants to be shown a good time. And who could show him a better time

than you, Ken?

And besides, it would be an easy job, and I don't want you dragging your ass

around here all morning.

Wow.

You know, you even have a generous drink to your chief.

I mean, that was almost kind of you.

There are a lot of things you don't know about me. In fact, you're only going to

get half the commission, because you are already on my payroll.

I knew there was a catch.

Thanks, you know, good son of a bitch. Live and learn, baby. Live and learn.

Hey, Miguel!

Stop loving her. I'm not paying you to take siestas.

Senor, I'm working very hard, but the sun isn't very hot today.

I don't give a shit about the sun.

I'll pay you 25 cents an hour to work. You work.

I'll back across the border.

No, no, no, senor. Por favor.

The wife, the niños.

You worthless dog.

A senorita named Sandra is coming to see me in a few minutes.

You let me know when she's here.

I will, senor. And you work.

I will. You're allowing.

I work very hard, senor.

I learn all my pesos. I'll do good. You see, this lawn be beautiful.

Right after my siesta, you pig.

Buenos dias.

Buenos dias.

Are you Senorita Sandra?

Si. Hop in.

Well, I don't know my... Clothes are kind of dirty. Oh, come on. I want to

show you some real American hospitality.

You do, huh?

Well, what about my clothes?

I see you've been working on your plants.

It's okay.

Come on.

Yes, that's what I've been doing. I've been working on my plants. That's right.

I have a lot of fun in the garden, you know.

Let's go. Let's go quick, you know. Let's get out of here.

This is a very beautiful place you have here, señorita.

I knew you'd like it.

Why don't you have a seat?

I'll read you a story.

No, it reminds me of the library at school with all these books.

Except that you're prettier than any teacher I ever had.

What are you going to read to me, huh?

Lumberjack Lust.

Oh, and, uh...

In case my lips get chapped.

Okay.

The husky lumberjack feasted his eyes on Brenda's squirming naked body.

His rough hands moved up her smooth inner thighs as she moaned,

higher, higher.

The lumberjack reached her soft, downy love mound and slipped a finger in her

tight, hot cunt.

Brenda cried out in pleasure.

Don't tease me.

The lumberjack took his time.

He pulled his wet fingers from her cunt and began playing with Brenda's ripe,

heaving breasts.

Did he do it like that?

I don't know.

More like this.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

The big man twisted her erect nipples with his thumb and forefinger.

Brenda began to slide her own fingers in and out of her dripping cunt.

The lumberjack took her hand and put it in her mouth.

The taste of her own juices drove Brenda wild.

I can't stand it.

Lucky

Pierre

lowered his head into Brenda's gyrating love box.

He pushed his strong tongue deep.

into her moist hole.

Prentice stiffened and cried out, Fuck me now!

He pulled back her cunt lips and her

budding clit was swelled proudly.

He flicked it with his tongue.

Prentice moaned urgently, Do me now!

Oh, do me now!

God damn it, please!

She's on the verge of coming.

She loved that feeling.

So good.

Come sit on top of me.

Sit on me.

Come on.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, it's faster.

Like that? Yeah.

Bye.

Señorita! Oh,

yes. Oh,

Dios mio.

So, uh, you like the house?

Oh, yes, ma'am. It's a beautiful place you got here.

Then you'll buy it.

Buy it?

Mi señorita buy this place?

I can't afford it. I can't even buy toilet paper. I buy it at the gas

station. You mean you're not a millionaire?

No, no, no, no. I'm not a millionaire. No, señorita. I tried to tell you when

you picked me up, but I got too excited, you know?

Shit.

Shit? Shit.

I'm going to kill that boss of mine.

Come on, kid, let's get out of here.

Hey, I hope there's no hard feelings, you know?

Yeah, no hard feelings.

Oh, caramba.

There you are.

It's not my fault that you picked up the wrong guy. You should have made smarter

arrangements. You're supposed to be a genius when it comes to doing bad

things.

Oh, I'm furious with you. I am a genius at the bad things.

This was just a very small detail.

Anyway, what can I do about it now? It's already been done.

Uh, wait, no, no, no. Not the ruler.

Only I play with the ruler. Give me that. All right, you worm.

I'm gonna make you pay for your mistakes.

Yes, mistress. I've been bad.

I've been bad. Eat my pussy, you lowly dog. Yes, yes, okay. Whatever you say.

Ooh.

Quite nice looking.

That's right.

You like that, don't you?

Don't be a smartass. Just take off these underwears, for Christ's sake. What do

you call that?

Okay.

That's right.

Now lick my ass, you little devil.

What did he say?

That's right.

That's the way.

Just remember, we've got the ruler this time.

About the lady tomorrow.

Excuse me, I knocked at the door. Get in here, you little fiction.

You need to learn some manners.

I said I was sorry.

Do that twice.

What's going on?

She needs it. You better do as she says.

You've got to be kidding.

You want the 200 grand?

Yes. You get over here.

So, my little friend needs to learn some manners, hey?

Well, yes. Yes, I do.

That's better. Let's see what we have under here.

No underwear.

You do need a spanking.

I should teach you.

Maybe you'll listen to me next time. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I needed that.

You're welcome.

Now.

We're on the couch and take off your clothes.

On the double. Anything you say.

And you too, my dear.

Go!

You two better fuck and fuck hard.

If you don't, you're going to be real sorry.

Come on, speed it up.

I want to see some action.

Get on him.

That's what I like to see.

Come on. Get into it.

I know I'm going to.

Oh don't mind me, just keep on going.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

It's your brother, Shane.

Oh, shit.

What do you want?

I was just wondering how you were, and I wanted to know if you could join me here

at the house.

You've got to be kidding me.

Well, you see, there's plenty of room here, and all you'd have to do is join

me while I do my good deeds from six to nine. Stop it, Shane. I don't need your

charity. But it's not charity at all.

I'm really being rather selfish.

You see, it gets so lonely when... Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

I'm not a boy scout.

I'm a do-gooder.

Sixty-nine?

A do-gooder?

You think you could do good by me?

Why, of course, young girl, if you need help.

Wow, you really are a boy scout.

Well, you see, I have this test coming up tomorrow, and I need somebody to help

me with my knots.

Knots, huh?

I'll help you.

You know, I really don't know anything about knots. I must warn you.

That's okay. All I need is your hand.

Was it too tight?

Really? Well, can you get out?

No. No?

Good.

Are you sure this will really help?

It'll help me.

It'll help me to get fucked the way I want to be fucked.

I'm a little nervous.

This

really

helps.

Those stouts sure have strange activities in this day and age.

I love you, Chuck.

It's fine to hire you. Will you promise to help me? Yeah.

Yes, I'll do anything to help you.

Anything.

But won't that hurt?

Oh, it won't hurt you a bit.

Alright.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

Anytime. Always available for help.

What a nifty invention.

Good morning, your viciousness.

The crap, Sanjo. Not in the mood.

Well, I'm afraid you're not going to like what I have to tell you.

Well?

Jill called and she struck out again.

Shit.

That's why she didn't call that night.

I knew it.

He knows I'm a sinner and he's going to fuck me.

Don't you want to hear my idea?

You mean you actually have an idea in that little brain of yours?

If you keep it up, you're not going to hear it at all.

Go ahead. I'm holding my breath.

Well, let's say Shane was to leave the house after six and someone was there to

photograph him. What would happen?

Well, he'd be violating the conditions of the will and the house would be

turned over to me or at least taken away from him.

Might as well forget it. He's never late.

He actually likes helping other people.

Oh, silly. Don't you see?

I'm going to seduce your brother while some certain someone like you is outside

waiting for him to rush out of the house late. Snap. You got yourself a picture.

That actually might work.

Why didn't I ever think of that?

I think I'm losing my touch.

Ah, shit. Don't remind me.

You can't seduce him. Look.

He's a man, isn't he?

I guess so.

And me?

I'm a woman, am I not?

Can I come in?

Why, yes.

How did you get in?

The door was open, and here I am.

Well, what can I help you with?

I work for your brother, Abel.

Is anything wrong?

Does he need any money?

No. I'll do anything for him.

No, no, no.

I was just hoping to see a reconciliation between the two of you.

his twin brother.

He's so much more strong and handsome.

You see, we were fraternal twins.

See, when two eggs are fertilized... Ooh, and much bigger, too.

As I was explaining, you see, when two eggs are fertilized at the same time...

Okay,

asshole. Waiting on you.

You

are

much bigger.

Mm-hmm.

Mm

-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm

-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

It's pretty soft, you know.

Perfect.

I'm going to get you now, Shane.

Oh, Shane.

Shoot your load all over me.

Come on, baby.

Come on, shoot your load.

I want to see you be a man.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Shane.

6.30, Shane.

I hope you're not late.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I always set that clock 45 minutes ahead so I'm never late.

People hate it when you're late.

And I hate to set up bad relations with people.

You'll have to excuse me. I've got to do some good deeds for some other people

now. Oh, do you have to?

I'm afraid I do.

Oh, yeah, I'm just a bit overwhelmed, that's all. Oh, well.

Tell you, I hate to leave you now, but duty calls.

Look, leave the door the same way you found it when you got in here, and when

I get back, we can talk some more about my brother Abel.

You know? Sure.

It really would make me the happiest man in the world if I could just be close

with him again.

Thanks a lot.

Well, onward ho!

It's a very modern kitchen with every major appliance you can dream of. I

don't use appliances.

Oh, but surely you'll appreciate the extra large refrigerator space.

I don't care about the refrigerator space.

Oh, but the dishwasher is the top of the line.

Don't you understand? I don't give a damn about the kitchen.

I hire maids to do this kind of work.

You snotty bitch.

You're an insult to women. I'd like to see you do some cooking.

Here. I want a salad.

And I want you to make it. But I've never done anything like this in my

life.

Do it.

I think we can.

I'm reaching the middle.

Yeah, it's the same thing of you, sir.

What are you, some kind of morals cop?

What's that 69 on your uniform?

That's not 69. That's 629.

The hours when I do my good deeds.

Well, since it's 9.30, do you reserve a perverted life? 9.30, we'd better be

going. But I like the house. I think I'd like to buy it. Buy it? If not for sale?

Let's go. I'll explain it to you later.

Wait a minute.

You go ahead.

This is the strangest evening I've ever had.

I guess I owe you an explanation.

I think it's only fair.

Yeah. Well, you see, this guy named Abel Phillips hired us.

Abel Phillips?

Yes, but I never trusted him, though.

I knew it.

I knew it.

What are you doing here at this hour?

There was a lot of work today.

I had some extra stuff to do.

Hello.

Yeah, how are you doing?

Just a second. It's your brother Shane.

He's at the house with Chrissy.

Oh, shit.

Tell him that I'm at a pound.

I get hit by a train.

A micro-buff.

Um, he's not here right now.

Can I have him call you when he gets in?

Bye-bye.

What is this?

I'm just warming up the machine, Chief.

Well, go warm up something else. You're leaving alone.

I'm leaving. I'm leaving.

What are you doing there?

Nothing, nothing, just thinking.

You know, maybe this life of crime is beginning to bore me.

We can go straight.

It'd be hard at first, but if we stick together, we can make it.

You mean, two of us?

I mean, going straight?

We'd have to stick together. I mean, like, partners in crime, partners in

good.

Partners in life?

You like marriage?

Respect society's most precious institution?

Me, Abel Phillips, married?

Well, what's so bad about that?

I don't know, I never thought about it.

Why don't you start thinking?

I like the boat you got.

Oh, well, sorry about that.

No, I realize, honey, it's in your nature. I love you so much.

I'm so happy I peaked on that computer.

I think it's as evil as you are.

I think it's the same thing, you know? I peaked it, too.

No. You did?

I peaked it, too.

Those other guys turn you on?

Oh, baby.

Oh, yeah.

talking about them others.

Just like that.

Deep.

Deep and hard.

Of course you may.

You're always welcome here.

Oh, God. I've been trying like crazy to find you, but... Easy, easy, easy, easy!

You see, we went on a honeymoon, and we didn't want to tell anybody.

Honeymoon? You mean... Yes.

Shane, I'm living the straight life.

Me. And this is my wife, Sandra.

My brother.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Have we met before?

No, no, absolutely not.

Abel, this is my bride-to-be.

We only know each other two weeks now, but Daddy and I are sure it's the real

thing.

Go ahead and give your future brother-in-law a big kiss.

This may seem like a repeat performance, but you deserve it.

My wife.

Shane.

Shane. Shane.

What the fuck is... Oh, shit.

How was it?

Stay tuned for our coming attraction.