Original subtitles

Tell you what, mate, on the house.

Thanks.

You're having a party?

Ah, nothing to do with me. Eddie took the booking.

Reckons it's worth ten grand.

Denny, boy, bitter's off.

So, this is how it is now?

Well, they got the settlement to the judge

before I realised what I'd signed.

It's all in the courts now.

So until you sort it out, they're just...

Here.

They're here.

All the time.

Gonna try and brighten the place up a bit, Ed.

It's so drab in here.

Oh. Hello.

Go on, then. Who's dead?

Actually, I just came to say hello.

OK. Bit weird.

I just thought, recently, maybe, you haven't been yourself.

Whatever gave you that idea?

You know, if you ever need to speak to anyone...

Didn't know you cared.

I don't. I meant Jesus.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY # Ole, Ole... ♪

Oh, I love this one!

Come on, Eddie. Let's dance.

Ah... Come on!

♪ Ole, Ole... ♪ Oof!

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot... ♪

Hoo-hoo! HE CHUCKLES

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot... ♪

I'm just saying... I know how hard this must be.

If there's anything I can do...

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot... ♪

Do you know anyone that can have a man killed?

That's not funny.

I'm joking.

I'd do it myself.

♪ Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot. ♪

Oh, hi. Didn't see you there.

I was just, er, reading this book.

I am meeting Angela in a bar round the corner,

so I am just practising talking in English.

But please don't ask me about Angela.

I can't tell you anything.

OK.

She's a dental assistant from Coventry.

Big city in the UK.

She has a boyfriend, but she's thinking of leaving him.

HE SCOFFS No, no, no, no, no.

She's on holiday. It wouldn't last.

Although I suppose we could Zoom.

You like her, Jesus?

She's OK.

I met her in a bar last night, and we had, erm, you know...

STUTTERS You know...

Er... sex.

Oh, sex. HE CHUCKLES

Yes. Full sex.

So now you're going to see her again,

and you think you might impress her if she sees you reading a book by...

Jeffrey Archer.

He is the Lord.

A lord, I think.

A-A lord. A lord.

Well, good luck with that.

Den?

Den.

Dennis.

Dennis.

I need a plug for the karaoke machine.

Did you take the batteries out of the remote?

Needs must, my friend.

I've decided the time is nigh for me to write my autobiography.

CLEARS THROAT Chapter one.

I was born in a gypsy camp just outside of Northampton

sometime in the late '50s.

Eddie, where shall I put this cake?

Er, well, just stick it on the bar for now.

So, whose party is this?

I've told you. Yeah. Tell me again.

Just a few associates of mine, friends, good people.

Oh, well, that's obviously bollocks

cos none of your associates are good people,

and you don't have any friends.

You know, cynicism will send you to an early grave.

Eddie knows these people, Dennis. They're big drinkers.

Well, you better hope so, or I'll kick them out and open up.

So, what is it, a birthday? No, my beautiful darling.

It's just a little leaving party for an old friend.

Course, I've never mined uranium before.

I was 15 years old.

But I was tall for my age,

and they never sweat the small stuff in Kazakhstan.

Why are you doing this just now?

I've received fair warning from the Reaper, my friend.

I gotta think about my legacy. What, you ill?

Me? I'm in peak physical condition.

But today, I...

...I witnessed something deeply disturbing.

A black dog walked backwards across my path.

Death is near.

Is that what that means?

Black dog. Black Shuck. The Beast's beast.

Backwards dog. What's "dog" backwards?

God.

God is retreating, making space for Death to choose a soul, my friend.

You sure, it didn't just have worms or something?

Would that it were so. CHUCKLES DRYLY

So you think that Death is coming for you?

I didn't say that. Could be any one of us.

But he will come.

By midnight.

Hm. Well, as long as he buys a drink.

SIGHS DEEPLY

OK, my darlings, I'm gonna love you and leave you.

You're going out? Just meeting up with the girls.

The girls? You've been in Benidorm a week.

You know I always make friends wherever I go.

No, no, no, you want half the pub, you can do half the work.

Dennis...

We've got a do on. I'll get you an apron.

Stop. Please. Stop it.

I'm sorry, darling.

I am.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Right. They are here.

LAUGHTER

Now, who here would like to see a little magic trick?

Here we go.

I have here an honest to goodness one euro coin.

You've never had an honest euro in your life.

I am placing this one euro coin on the table,

and I'm covering it with this hat.

He is magic.

He's made his hair disappear. HE LAUGHS

What...? What's he doing?

One of his scams, Ray.

Now, I bet any one of you good gentleman

I can turn that coin from heads to tails without touching that hat.

Bollocks!

Stump up or shut up.

Fifty notes.

I wouldn't trust you as far as Ray can throw you.

What's that?

I'm saying you're a decrepit old bastard, Ray.

Oh, yeah. CHUCKLES

Same again, my lovely.

Oh, it's all right, sweetheart. Save on the washing up.

Now I know why you were so keen to get your hands on this place.

This your gateway to the Costa del Crime.

There's that cynicism again.

Don't take me for a dickhead.

I've seen you putting this whole thing together

on that cheap burner phone of yours to cover your tracks.

Those men are crooks.

Dennis, they're just businessmen.

Ray was in security,

Gav made his money in car-boot sales,

and Ricky owns a chain of beauty parlours.

Whoopty-shit. Harold Shipman was a doctor.

You've filled my pub full of gangsters.

Except you haven't. There's only three of them.

Is there anyone else still to come? KNOCKING ON DOOR

Well, there you go. Stan's here.

Hm, suppose Stan's just an innocent, hardworking bloke as well.

What is he, a cheery local ice cream man? A clown?

Do you know, I wouldn't be calling Stan Grainger a clown if I were you.

Wait, wait. Stan Grainger, who did ten years for armed robbery?

You know him?

Know him? I put him away. KNOCKING ON DOOR

What you talking about?

I was the key witness at his trial.

It was my evidence that sent him down.

Well, what do you know? Small world.

What does he know about me?

Nothing. I told him this was my place.

Eddie, if he recognises me, I'm a dead man walking.

He won't recognise you. It's been 30 years.

You had that crap tash in the '80s. KNOCKING ON DOOR

Stan, good to see you, mate. Come on in.

Sorry I'm late. I was out on the course.

No worries. No worries at all, Stan.

Who's this?

This is just, er, the barman, Den...

Denzel. My name's Denzel.

Like Denzel Washington.

Well... nice to meet you, Denzel.

Yeah, nice place, Eddie. Thank you, Stan, yeah.

I mean, it's not much, but it is mine, you know.

Hello, lads.

HE CLEARS THROAT, LAUGHTER

You need to go. What?

Go on. Go home. I don't need you. It's my shift.

I'll pay for your shift. I can handle this.

No. Look, don't be stupid.

Don't call me stupid. I don't wanna go.

OK, you're sacked. Get out. What?!

I'm the manager.

Eddie and Tiff are here. One of them can be the licensee.

Look, here's a month's wages. What's...? What's happening?

You're being sacked. Now get out. You're trespassing.

Dennis... I don't need you any more.

SIGHS DEEPLY

What can I get you?

I'll have a lager.

You never stop worrying, do you, eh? Kids.

Oh, she's not my daughter.

I know.

We're gonna need a knife.

A knife?

For the cake.

Ah, right, yeah. No problem. Knife...

Oh, come on, Denzel. You can do better than that.

There you go.

Put it down next to the cake for me, would you? Stick it over there.

Lovely.

All ready for our big surprise, eh?

DENNIS SIGHS

MAN GRUNTS

GRUNTS, GROANS

GRUNTS, GROANS

♪ I'm broke and broken-hearted... ♪

Weapons-grade. The Russians use 'em.

You can blind a man from half a mile with one of these.

I'm a hairdresser, Gav. Why would I wanna blind anyone?

So they can't see what you've done with their hair.

LAUGHTER

Denny boy! Come and join us.

I think I might be in a bit of trouble here.

It walks amongst us.

Where's this guest of honour?

Only way to see off Beelzebub...

EXHALES DEEPLY

...get it pissed.

SCOFFS

♪ Then left me alone... ♪

Gentlemen, custom has it the father of the house provides the drinks.

What's this? Aguardiente.

Made in the finest local bathtubs.

All right.

Well, I'll drink to that.

I have but one stipulation.

You match me drink for drink.

CHUCKLING

♪ I'm broke and broken-hearted... ♪

Are you with me?

Do our best, eh. Skol!

♪ Broke and broken-hearted. ♪

ALL EXHALE, CHUCKLING

RADIO PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Oi, oi! LAUGHTER

Oh, look at you beautiful people.

I won't interrupt.

GASPS Is this a date?

Maybe. No.

Mind if I join you? Yes. Yes.

Ow.

Right, I'm not having this.

There's not a chance in hell you're turning that coin over

without moving that hat.

Oooh...

We have a bite. I accept your bet.

Can we clear the table, please?

Well, what...? What's going on?

Eddie's taken Gav's bet. Twat.

CHUCKLING All right, then.

Ooh...

Behold!

CHUCKLES What, that's that it, is it?

Check yourself.

Heads.

Tails. And I never touched the hat!

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah, yeah. All right, I thought we was gonna do some karaoke.

Yeah, good idea. You start.

Well, Stan, I was gonna do a ballad. I mean, Ricky should start.

He's gonna do Dancing Queen. No. You start.

All right, Stan. Yeah, I'll start.

Bit unfair, innit, sending him up first on his tod?

He should duet with someone. Yeah. It's a good point, Gav.

Oi, Denzel.

You can sing with Eddie.

SCOFFS Jeez, no. I'd murder it.

That's the idea, innit?

I'm going for a slash.

You got into bed with snakes, you know that?

Well, no, Den, I got into bed with your wife.

# I feel it in my fingers

♪ I feel it in my toes

♪ Love is all around me

♪ And so the feeling grows

♪ It's written on the wind

♪ It's everywhere I go

♪ Oh, yes, it is

♪ So if you really love me

MUSIC FADES AND DISTORTS

♪ Come on and let it show

♪ Oh. ♪

Big one. Little one. I'll have the big one.

TIFF SIGHS

They called it "the marriage wrecker", CID.

I mean, the hours that he worked, it's no surprise.

Did love him, though.

I still do love him. Mm.

And Carla does. I know she does.

Carla? Our daughter.

Did he not tell you about her?

HE CLEARS THROAT You know, you're kind of intruding.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

You know, I never would have put someone like you

with someone like him.

I'm not with him. Not yet.

Ooh! OK, I'm going.

Oh, no, where you going? Don't go back to the pub, darling.

Why?

Well, them blokes, they're...

they're a bit, you know... ..dodgy.

The party? Yeah, you know.

Eddie doesn't always move in the best of circles.

I mean, Stan, he's a piece of work. He's done time.

TIFF CHUCKLES

As soon as he finds out Eddie's got this pub, he's all over him.

Books this leaving do. Nah.

Something is going on, I reckon.

Ooh... oh, oh, I can't see straight!

I think I need some patatas bravas.

Do you want some patatas bravas?

So I'm gonna get some patatas bravas. Ow!

That's why he wanted me out.

So we go to another bar,

then maybe dinner and talk about what to do.

Call Maria. I think Dennis is in danger.

The worst thing we could do is overreact.

I think everything is probably fine.

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot... ♪

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Dennis? Open up.

KNOCKING ON DOOR Dennis, are you OK?

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

JESUS SIGHS See, he's totally fine.

Oh, my God! There's a body.

Dennis, what happened?

I was stupid.

You did this? No, he didn't.

You didn't, did you?

No.

You know we need to call this in.

He's right. This is a crime scene.

Can I just tell my side first?

OK. What happened?

They made me sing.

# If you really love me

♪ Come on and let it show

♪ Whoa... ♪

Oh, feck's sake. Anyone got 50p for the meter?

VELCRO RIPS Everyone stay where they are.

It's probably just a fuse. I'll check.

I said stay where you are!

THUD, GROANING

What was that?

I swear, don't try anything with me.

VELCRO RIPS

Eddie!

The snake is drained.

You were next to him, but you didn't see who killed him?

It was pitch-black.

What's going on?

Eddie! Don't touch him.

OK, lady, nothing to see here.

That doesn't really work in this context, Jesus.

What did you do? He didn't do anything.

You've done it. You shit! You've done it. I never thought...

He said he'd kill him.

The day that he was sacked, he pinned Eddie against the wall

and he said he'd kill him.

We have to let Dennis tell his side.

What happened after the lights came on?

♪ Imagine my life With us together... ♪

Who was this?

Me. Why?

I just like the song.

No, I meant who killed Eddie. Oh, right.

♪ Everything That we're gonna do... ♪

You wanna put some kitchen roll down.

♪ Yeah... ♪

Blood's a bugger to get out.

♪ Every day is just me and you

♪ Just imagine... ♪ MUSIC STOPS

Look, I don't know who you are...

or why any of you would want to kill Eddie.

It's none of my business.

But I am not cleaning up your mess.

Who says it's our mess? You were standing next to him.

You were next to a knife.

All right, that's enough of that.

Obviously, there's been some sort of beef.

Singing blew a fuse,

someone's taken a chance to do him in with the lights out.

Well, let me tell you something now. That is not OK!

Now, we got a problem to deal with. We're gonna sort it out between us.

Why don't I just leave you the keys? Help yourself to toasties.

Oh, no, you don't. You're gonna help us.

I can't help you. Course you can.

Little picture of you behind the bar.

You used to be a copper, didn't you?

Someone's committed a crime, Denzel.

You can help us solve it.

SIGHS Honestly, I was just a traffic cop.

I can't help you, unless any of you deserve a speeding ticket.

But seriously...

...you take care of him, I'll cover your slate.

You're square with the house. You were never here.

But that's not justice, is it?

See, I believe if you do wrong by your fellow man,

then you need to pay for it.

Only then can you be square with the house.

All right.

If I work this out, my word is final.

Your word is final.

You can be judge and jury. And I'll be executioner.

Easy, Stan. That's enough! Shut up!

I'm sick of people taking liberties.

EXHALES SHAKILY

I don't know what happened here, but, really... does it matter?

Cos you're all thick as thieves, and I'm the only witness.

I'm pretty sure if I find out who did this,

I'm not getting out of here alive anyway.

Oh, no, no, no, no, my friend. You misunderstood.

See, the only way you're getting out of here alive

is if you find out who did this.

What did he say?

Denzel's gonna find out who stabbed Eddie, and Stan's gonna kill him.

Oh, right.

Probably should get another round in anyway, eh?

I said they were dodgy.

So did you solve it? You worked out who killed Eddie?

Of course he did. You did, right?

Right, these two are me and Eddie.

This is Ray, Ricky, Stan, and... him.

Gav. I'm Gav O'Grady, the Car Boot King.

Er... which one's me?

The tomato juice.

But tomatoes give me gas. Everything gives you gas, Ray.

You pretty much breathe out your arse.

Better than talking out of it.

Look, you don't have to drink it. It's just a demonstration.

Hold up, hold up. Who's the ginger beer?

You are. What you tryna say, eh? Eh?

I'm not ginger beer. Make Ricky the ginger beer.

Why am I the ginger beer? If the shoe fits.

Right, right, me and Eddie are the apple juice.

Ray is the lemonade.

Ricky's the ginger beer. Stan's the tonic.

And whatshisname's the tomato juice. You're doing this on purpose.

Right, now, this is where you all were before the lights went out.

I just need to remember the order of what happened.

EXHALES DEEPLY I need a pint.

Right, before the lights went out, Ray said...

I'm going for a slash.

...Gav was shining the laser pen on Eddie.

# Show Whoa. ♪

Oh, feck's sake!

'Then the lights go out, and Eddie said...'

Anyone got 50p for the meter? VELCRO RIPS

And then what?

That's right.

Ricky said...

'Everyone stay where they are.'

...but the sound, the sound was coming from further away.

Then I said...

It's probably just a fuse. I'll check.

I said stay where you are!

All the while, the laser pen is still on Eddie, still alive.

THUD, GROANING

What was that?

And then there's this sound...

I swear, don't try anything with me. VELCRO RIPS

Then you're all back in your seats.

Well, hurry up, Kojak.

Actually, if we're talking TV detectives,

this is much more of a Columbo kind of a case.

And you're the expert, are you?

No.

But I know one.

Can we get a move on?

SIGHS

Here we go.

Well, come on. Enlighten us. Who killed Eddie?

You all did.

STAN CHUCKLES Oh, is that so?

Yes, that is so.

You see, it can't just have been a fuse that went.

That would've shorted some of the power.

To cut everything off,

someone had to hit the main breaker in the fuse box in the back room.

That could only have been Ray. Ray never went to the toilet.

He used his walking stick to trip the breaker above the back door.

♪ Come on and let it show

♪ Whoa. ♪

'But then he dropped his stick.' Oh!

CLATTERING Oh, feck's sake.

Ricky is further away when he said...

Everyone stay where they are.

Because he's getting the knife.

Picking it up using the pocket square that was in his jacket

before the lights went off

but was missing after they came back on again.

But he doesn't use the knife. He gives it to Stan.

But before Stan takes it, he puts his golf glove on.

VELCRO RIP ECHOES

Then he comes up to the front...

...and sticks the knife in Eddie.

And he knows exactly where Eddie is in the dark

because Gav's kept a laser pen on throughout the whole thing.

And you know all that, do you?

It's the only theory that makes sense.

See, I know where Gav was cos the laser pen didn't move.

Ray was out by the toilets.

There's no way he's getting over there in that time.

What's he say?

He's saying you're a decrepit, old bastard, Ray.

Ah. Could've been Ricky.

Could have, except he's wearing some pretty pungent aftershave tonight.

He comes within a five-metre radius,

you're getting a noseful of Paco Rabanne.

It's Acqua di Parma.

So, yeah, I do know that.

You asked me to work out who killed Eddie. Well, there you go.

You did. STAN SCOFFS

But everyone else was involved.

Bravo. The man with all the answers.

Not all the answers.

It still doesn't make sense to me. Eddie got on everyone's tits.

Yeah, not why you'd kill him

but why you'd go through this pantomime to do it.

Oh, this ain't no pantomime, son.

Oh, yes, it is.

Sorry.

This is a goodbye party.

You really thought I didn't know who you was, Dennis?

So you do remember me. Yeah, funny, that.

Funny how you tend to remember someone

who sent you to jail for the best years of your life, innit?

So why's Eddie dead and not me?

Why did I just spend the last hour solving his murder?

After I'd got out of Wandsworth,

I went looking for you, but you'd disappeared.

Then Eddie tells me about this place,

tells me all about you.

CHUCKLES

I mean, it was like a gift.

A party just felt right.

You must be wondering when our guest of honour's arriving,

but he's been here all along.

It's you, Dennis.

This is your leaving party.

And where am I going?

To jail.

Dennis.

You know I have to call this in.

He's not finished.

Rosa, let them do their jobs.

You're not going to jail for this. I was there. I saw them.

I'm sorry, kid.

They did a proper job on me.

Maybe I did need you after all.

There's still time. Tell me what happened.

What am I going to jail for?

Well, for killing Eddie.

Oh, call me an old romantic, but it just felt like poetic justice

that the last case you ever work was the one that sent you down.

Just like you sent me down.

No, no, no, you killed Eddie.

All of you killed Eddie.

Well, how could we? We were never here.

What's...? What's this? What's happening?

You work as many jobs as we have...

...you get pretty good at not leaving any evidence behind.

Stan, good to see you, mate. Come on in.

You see, no DNA.

No fingerprints.

Same again, my lovely.

Oh, it's all right, sweetheart. Save on the washing up.

Everything we touched here comes with us.

And when the Old Bill comes here, they'll find a knife

sticking out of the bloke who stole your wife and pub,

and only your prints'll be on it.

There you go.

Put it down next to the cake for me, would you?

It's not just prints that'll put you here.

I know.

Eddie only ever called us on his burner.

Witnesses. Rosa saw you here.

You got one witness to put me here.

I've got 50 back in Marbella that'll swear blind I was with them.

And as for your man over there, well...

he'll be lucky if he can remember his own name tomorrow.

Oh, we, erm...

We slipped him a little something to help him on his way.

CHUCKLING

Are you with me?

Do our best, eh? Skol!

As I said...

...we were never here.

That's it. We're done.

Oh. CHUCKLES

Look at you. You're tryna work a way out of it.

Ah, s'pose you could get rid of the body,

but you know that'll only make things worse for you.

Why didn't you just shoot me?

A few weeks behind bars, and you'll wish I had.

But... SIGHS

...I want you to suffer...

...how I suffered.

Any case...

...it's not a real gun.

And now, eh...

I'm square with the house, Denzel.

CHUCKLES

DOOR CLOSES

I walked right into it. Stan had thought of everything.

SIGHS Do what you gotta do.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder. No, stop.

You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say

may be taken down and used against you.

Is everybody losing their minds?

Looks like I might be busy for a bit.

Don't s'pose you want your job back?

You'll be back tomorrow. They cannot keep you there.

Just don't let her ruin the place. Take him outside.

If it makes a difference, I don't think you killed him.

Thanks, Jesus.

It doesn't.

Just so you know, I do not work for you. I work for Dennis.

And if you try to tell me what to do, you will regret it.

I never wanted this place, my darling.

I never wanted any of this.

Why aren't you stopping this? You cannot think he did this.

I know he hasn't been in a good place recently,

and he said something about killing Eddie.

I can't just forget I know that.

I'm sorry, Rosa.

I don't want to think that Dennis did this.

But we have to be open to the fact he might.

SHE BREATHES SHAKILY

GROANS

What did I miss?