Original subtitles

How many beds? One, two, three, four, five.

25. No, no, no, no, that's for me.

OK.

Dad, you seen this?

Hey.

Thank you.

SHE CRIES

What happened? Are you all right?

CHATTER

Ooh.

Come on, Mick.

Mick!

What you doing?

Mick, come on.

SHE GASPS

PHONE BUZZES

Just speak to Tiff, please. She's called about a thousand times.

She can just leave a voicemail. A voicemail? Ha!

"Please leave a message after the tone." Beep!

No-one leaves voicemails any more.

Here we go. Picture round for the quiz.

May I present football grounds of the 1970s.

Ooh!

Dennis, this only appeals to boring men over 50.

I know that one.

DENNIS SIGHS

Yeah, maybe just do flags of the world?

That's better

Dennis! Call an ambulance!

THEY PANT Oh, God.

Oh, my God. What's happened?

Er, he went to sleep on the lounger,

and then Caz goes to wake him up, and he's not breathing.

He's all grey like an old sock! Oh, my God!

Right, let's all just calm down.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Call an ambulance. Why didn't you call an ambulance?

We thought cos you were in the police, you could mouth to mouth?

Call an ambulance. OK.

SIGHING I'm gonna vom.

What's he been eating? A chicken Kiev.

Told him he should've had something light like a jacket potato.

Have you got one of them "deflabulators"?

Defibrillator. "Defibillator".

Jesus wept, Travis. Listen to me - defibrillator.

It doesn't matter! Dennis, can you please do something?

No, I'm sorry.

From what I can tell, Mick died a few hours ago.

COLIN SIGHS

OK, ambulance is on its way.

He had a little bit of trouble with his heart last year.

When you say "a little bit of trouble"...?

Quadruple bypass. Hm, I see.

Doctors told him he needed to change his lifestyle,

but Mick didn't like being told what to do.

When did you realise something was wrong?

Not till we were leaving.

Mick always had a long sleep after lunch.

He'd put his hat on his face, you know, to keep the sun off.

I should've known cos he wasn't snoring.

Thanks.

Ah, you're good.

Oh, erm, Mum, would you like a drink?

Oh, no, Lauren, I couldn't.

All right, I'll have a vodka tonic.

Double.

CHATTER

HE CHUCKLES So, flags, huh?

You like flags? I like flags.

Yeah, flags are kind of my thing.

When all my friends were at the skate park,

I was at home, looking at flags.

That's so impressive.

Yep. I used to do backstreet flag battles,

you know, like Eminem in 8 Mile.

Test me.

All right, then, Rain Man.

What do you make of that?

JESUS CLEARS THROAT

CLEARS THROAT RHYTHMICALLY

Oman, Ghana, Malaysia Denmark, Vietnam, Finland

Iceland, Ireland and Chad, bitch!

Yeah, she's gone.

PHONE BUZZES

You know these families?

Yeah, they've been in all week. Nice people.

SHE SIGHS Very sad.

Why did you call me?

Something's not right.

You think they look recently bereaved?

People grieve in different ways.

Something's not right. They don't look sad enough.

You know what this is like? Some obscure '90s detective drama?

Dalziel And Pascoe, series nine, episode three.

Thought so. They are in shock.

In a few hours' time, it will hit them.

Jesus!

Oh-ho-ho!

♪ I know that I, I Will never fall in love like this

♪ Darling, now I know for sure

♪ But the music breathes me in

♪ I surrender to this... ♪

You have to promise not to gloat. I don't gloat.

The pathologists want to keep Mick's body in for more testing.

They think he may have been poisoned.

Hey, Google, what does gloating look like?

What kind of poison? They're still testing.

So, oat milk latte and a builder's tea?

Come on.

You're saying these people have been in your pub a lot this week?

Did you notice anything strange? No, they just seemed a good laugh.

Although a few hours before Mick died,

Travis came in in a bit of a state.

Pint, please!

Ugh!

Ugh!

'Then he came back in a few minutes later

'carrying the glass, which was now full again.'

You all right, Travis?

Full with what? What do you think?

Er, Lauren's got stung by a jellyfish.

You know, weeing on a jellyfish sting does nothing, actually.

I learned the hard way.

Two households, both alike in dignity,

in fair Benidorm, where we lay our scene.

Why are you talking like that? It's Romeo and Juliet.

Two young lovers, two different families.

No, it's not.

It's a fat bloke who ate a chicken Kiev and died.

You can't say that.

It's chicken "Keev".

Early postmortem results suggest Mick died from some kind of poison.

Thy drugs are quick, thus with a kiss, I will die.

Maria wants us to go to their hotel,

talk to the family, see if there was anything going on.

Mercy but murders, pardoning those who kill.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

When do you wanna go?

Er, in about 90 minutes plus stoppages?

SHE SIGHS

You always did wear too much perfume.

Hello, Dennis. Hello, Tiff.

How are you, love?

Are you happy?

I'd say I'm as happy as I've been in the last 37-and-a-half years,

which is about how long... Yeah, I got that, Dennis.

Good. I'm happy you're happy.

You look happy.

Happy belly.

I'll give you some advice, though, darling - lose the facial hair.

You never could grow a moustache. Not as well as you.

Yeah, well, that's all gone now.

I've had a full-body laser. I am bald from the eyebrows down.

Two grand. Eddie pay for that, did he?

We bought it for each other as a moving-in present.

He's had it done as well?

Mm-hm. You should see us in the home Jacuzzi -

like a couple of boiled eggs.

SHE CHUCKLES

So, this is the pub.

Have you got a cleaner? We don't need a cleaner.

There's a dead mouse by the bins.

Hello.

So, what are you doing here, Tiff?

I need your signature.

The divorce can't go through without it.

You came all the way here to get me to sign the divorce papers?

Well, the solicitor sent them, and they got nothing back, so...

Still turning up unannounced. Unannounced?

Dennis, I've called you God knows how many times.

Leave a voicemail. No-one leaves voicemails any more.

Told you.

Just sign the papers, and I'll leave you be.

Well, obviously, I'm gonna have to have my lawyer look this over.

What's this? Divorce papers.

I can change.

You may as well just go home. He's a slow worker.

Rosa, vamos.

Don't be like this, Dennis. Kiss my hairy ass.

So, this guy Eddie stole your wife, and you had to leave the police?

He wanted me out, and he made it look like I was planting evidence.

And you let him get away with that?

I had no choice. I couldn't prove it.

Would you ever do that? Plant evidence? No!

Not even if you knew someone was guilty

and they were going to get away with it if you didn't? No.

But if it was the right thing to do? No, Rosa. That's summary justice.

It's wrong, and it's against the law.

"The law is not always justice, and justice is not always the law."

You know who said that? Yeah, Shakespeare.

No, it was Miss Marple, so... HE SIGHS

Hey.

How are you holding up?

I'm a mess. Lauren's been in bits all morning.

It must have been a real shock. It was a bit of a shock, yeah.

It's knocked Trav about a bit.

Found a euro. Well done, son.

You've known Mick a while, Colin. What was he like?

He was a character, weren't he, love?

What? Your dad.

Stepdad. He was a bit of a character, wasn't he?

Yeah, massive... character.

When you guys were at the pub, he seemed super generous.

You know, always buying the drinks.

He was flash.

Dad... Well, he was, though, wasn't he?

He was, to be fair.

He's got an Evoque. Mint, innit, Dad?

It's all right. Would you say Mick was rich?

Yeah, loaded.

He sold his scaffolding company last year,

so he was, you know, comfortable.

We were comfortable.

Kept you in your gels, didn't he? Er, I paid for these myself.

Every two days, she's changing her nails like that,

even though the nail polish remover sets off her eczema.

Oh, my God, Mum, stop talking about my eczema!

It's none of my business,

but is Mick leaving behind a lot of money?

Two hundred grand.

He kept it in a bag for life in the airing cupboard.

How'd you know about that? Lauren found it.

She, er... She used to borrow the odd note to pay for her nails.

Presumably, that'll all go to Caz now?

You can finally get that caravan now, Mum.

No, I don't want that caravan without your dad.

Stepdad.

Did you ever have a case you thought you might not solve?

No. Seriously?

You never had a case where there just wasn't enough evidence?

No. There's always enough evidence if you look hard enough.

I normally found it at the bottom of a pint glass.

You think the poison was in his beer?

No, I'm saying if I drank enough, I'd normally come up with an answer.

Anything? Nope.

I think this might be a two-pint problem.

That was your third.

So, sometime - we don't know when -

someone - we've no idea who -

put something - we don't know what - into Mick's food.

Or drink. Or drink.

This is going well, isn't it Hm!

You want to know about the dead man.

Not really much one for small talk, are you?

You know the dykes? The dykes?

In the Netherlands, we built the dykes to keep the sea out, yes?

Before the dykes, every day,

we live knowing that the sea's trying to swallow us.

This is why we don't do small talk. We don't have time for that shit.

So?

I don't know anything about how the man died.

But I do know there were no jellyfish in the sea that day.

You know that? Yes. I see everything.

All right, Jesus?

You spoke to El Dorado's? Que?

The restaurant where Mick had his last meal.

Did you get anything? Fanta.

I meant information. Oh, no, nothing suspicious.

The girl, Lauren, she arrived first and ordered everyone's food.

Apparently, she got some of the orders wrong.

Mick wanted steak, not chicken Kiev, but he didn't really care.

He ate it anyway. Pim, pam, pum.

What he ate is not important.

They tested his stomach contents. There was no poison in it.

What about the hat? He had that over his face.

They tested that and all his other belongings.

They are all clean.

I was going to take it all back to his family, but...

...here - you're burning.

I don't burn.

It wasn't in his food? No, nor any of his belongings.

Not his sun tan lotion or his vape.

The jellyfish!

You can't use a jellyfish as a deadly weapon.

Hm. And anyway, there were no jellyfish that day.

So, how was he poisoned? HE SIGHS

Don't look at me like that.

It's my job to ask rhetorical questions.

Want to know what I've been doing? Not really.

I've been doing some excellent detective work.

What did you notice about Colin's tattoos?

They're crap?

One of them is a clock with no hands.

You know what that means? He went to jail.

I hate it when you do that. TV PLAYS

What did he go to jail for?

Armed robbery, car theft, assault.

He did eight years behind bars. Hm.

Naughty, naughty. Suspect number one, yes?

We should talk to him. I've just sat down.

Stand up again. Can't I just watch the tennis?

No, not if you cannot see it.

That's annoying. You're annoying.

HE SIGHS Stupendo!

I'll speak to him. You find Lauren.

She was stealing from her dad. Stepdad.

You should wear a hat. You're burning.

I don't burn.

From him. Quick game?

You got a habit of turning up out the blue.

I'll be straight with you, Colin - still help out the police a bit.

So, it's a police issue, is it?

Might be.

And you came to talk to me cos I got previous.

Fair enough. I was a proper dodgy bastard.

So I heard.

And that's just the stuff I got nicked for.

So, why'd you do it? Drugs?

Nah, just couldn't be arsed to work.

I look at my boy now, I'm ashamed of myself.

He works all hours down the tip for no money.

He never moans. Seems like a nice lad.

Yeah. He's the best.

I mean, he's never gonna win Mastermind,

but I tell you, when his mum died,

it was him picking me up off the floor.

Can you think of any reason why someone might want to kill Mick?

Mate... I could think of a thousand.

He was not a good man.

Like you? I was a saint in comparison.

Last Christmas, Caz got hammered with Lauren,

told her everything.

How Mick wouldn't let her have her own money,

didn't like her going out without him.

Couple of times, he hit her. Jeez.

Yeah, she wouldn't leave him, though.

Lauren's tried persuading her.

I only agreed to come here for Caz so she could get a break.

Do you know anything about how Mick died, Colin?

HE SCOFFS

What, you think I'd tell you if I did?

You really did go to prison, didn't you?

Yeah, you should see me at table tennis.

Is he OK? Yeah, he's OK.

What's he doing? Looking for shells.

He's got this idea he's gonna make something.

Is he good at making things?

No, he struggles with Lego, but I love him for trying.

How did you guys meet?

On holiday. We were 14.

We were pen pals.

You wrote each other letters? Yeah, actual letters.

Mick wouldn't let me have a phone, so...

That's so romantic.

What's he hoping to make?

A rattle... for a baby.

Don't say nothing.

We haven't told anyone.

I got loads! Well done, babe.

THEY CHUCKLE

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

what "D" is the national currency of Vietnam?

ARCHIE CHUCKLES

Dong.

Why does this all feel wrong?

Yeah, as I said at the start, it's not like on TV.

It's not always goodies and baddies.

Just sign it, Den.

HE SIGHS

Is it stupid to admit that I thought you might come back?

You and me, out here... running this place.

You've burnt. I don't burn.

You need to put something on that. You'll start flaking.

Here.

OK. Question number four.

Yazoo reached number three

in the UK singles chart in 1982 with what song?

ARCHIE CHUCKLES

Me and Eddie are getting married, Den.

I thought you should hear it from me.

Don't Go.

What? Yazoo.

Don't Go was their song.

Did you hear what I just said? Yeah, I heard you.

Congratulations.

You all right?

I'm always all right.

Are you looking after yourself? How's your heart?

Grand.

You know Carla's not talking to me?

You have to take some of the blame for what happened.

Some, yeah.

I'll take some.

Bye, darling.

OK. Question five.

How many Rocky films does Apollo Creed appear in?

ARCHIE CHUCKLES

Hey.

Can I see you?

Yeah, I'll have the patatas bravas and the garlic prawns, please.

But instead of potatoes, can I have chips?

And none of that sauce. OK.

And no garlic on the prawns.

Actually, instead of prawns, do you just have, like, fish?

So, fish and chips, then?

Yeah, yeah, that would be great.

Thank you. Great.

Wearing your special shirt?

Er... It was all I had. It's wash day.

You have a wash day? Course. Every 29th of February.

So... what have you got?

About the case. Oh, er...

Well, not a lot, to be honest.

Plenty of motive, but I still don't understand how he was murdered.

If he was murdered.

Right. Yeah.

You know, I realised I don't actually know anything about you.

I mean, are you from around here or...?

What's happening?

We're chatting.

Is this a date? No, no, no. No.

Unless you want it to be.

I don't want it to be, for the record,

but I'm a nice guy, so...

Oh, God, it's a date.

It's not a date. I just...

I look at you, and I see someone who's lonely in crowded room.

And I get it, cos I've done the job, and...

...it's hard to let anyone get close to you.

All the shit you take and the shit you see.

But you need to let someone in. That's all I'm saying.

You have to let someone in at some time or...

...or...

...all the important people just go.

Yeah, this doesn't sound like a date.

No, it's not a date. Rose for the lady?

It's the wrong flag! I lived on a houseboat in Gdansk.

I know what a Polish flag looks like, my friend. Huh!

All right? Sure.

There was a bit of a row with the picture round,

but it's only Jesus.

It's the wrong way round, punk.

This way up is Poland. This way is Indonesia.

You want a chip? No, it's not, I'm telling you.

Listen. Listen to me. I've been there.

Oh, it doesn't matter!

Oh, and there's another dead mouse by the bins.

We'd better put some poison down.

Why? You cannot kill a dead mouse.

It's a curse.

Is it happening?

Oh, it's definitely happening.

What did you say just now? "You can't kill a dead mouse."

Dennis?

Why is the mouse already dead?

Because there's already poison down.

I know how Mick was killed,

and I know why and who by and what with.

And I take no satisfaction from it whatsoever.

You don't have to do this. HE SIGHS

Well, it's like you said at the start...

..."Bad things happen when good people do nothing."

SHE SIGHS

I don't know who's good and who's bad any more.

All right, Dennis? What's this about?

The police say we can't go home yet.

DENNIS SIGHS Come in. I'll get you a drink.

Thanks.

Thanks.

So, the police are doing more tests on Mick.

They not sure he's dead?

Oh, sorry.

No. They knew he was poisoned, and he was...

by Travis and Lauren.

ARCHIE SLAMS ON PIANO KEYS

Sorry.

Dennis, if this is a joke, then I'm not laughing.

It's not a joke.

The police knew Mick had ingested some kind of poison,

and they were testing to find out what kind, but...

I worked it out.

Lauren, tell me this isn't true.

Your dad tells me you work down at the tip, Travis.

Kinda place that would have plenty of rat poison,

and they would have trained you up on how to handle it,

how to store it,

not to get it wet or it gives off a gas - phosphine.

Breathe enough of this stuff in, and it causes heart problems,

so to a man like Mick, who'd just had a bypass...

...it was always gonna be deadly.

Well, how did he breathe it in when I didn't?

I've been with him the whole time we was here.

In the hat.

You knew that Mick would put the hat over his face

to fall asleep in the afternoon.

Rat poison wouldn't have been hard to get hold of.

All you had to do was buy an identical hat

and hide the poison inside, which you did - here.

You soaked the poison in water, unpicked the stitching,

stuffed the poison under the lining.

But the police tested that hat.

They tested that hat.

Not this one.

Not a lot of people know this,

but the Union Jack has a right way and a wrong way up.

I knew that.

The difference is subtle.

But I compared the hat he was wearing

in the photo when he died to the hat that was left behind,

and I could see the flags were different.

You created a diversion.

With the jellyfish sting. That wasn't real.

Caz, you told me that Lauren's nail varnish remover

causes her eczema to flare up, so you put some of that on your leg.

'Went to the water for a bit

'and when you came out, pretended you had been stung.'

SHE CRIES

That was the diversion.

When everyone was looking at Lauren making a fuss,

Travis switched the hats.

Mum! What's happened, Lauren?

I should have worked it out before.

At low levels, phosphine can smell like garlic.

You knew that, so at lunch,

Lauren deliberately got Mick's order wrong.

Mick wanted steak, not chicken Kiev, but he didn't really care.

He ate it anyway. Pim, pam, pum.

Mick thought the faint smell of garlic was coming from him.

What's he been eating? A chicken Kiev.

I told him he should have something light, like a jacket potato.

After Mick was discovered, it was Travis and Colin

that carried him up the beach to the pub here.

You were the last one to arrive.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

You hung back so that you could switch the poisoned hat

for the clean one.

Then when you got here, you made a big thing about feeling sick.

I'm gonna vom. 'But you didn't go to the toilet.'

Instead, you went to the bins to get rid of the poisoned hat.

If it weren't for the occasional mice we get out the back,

we probably never would have found out.

Something in your reaction suggests that maybe this is only news to Caz?

Well, erm...

...the other day, Trav asked me to go

and get his goggles from his room, and...

I found a bag of rat poison in the back of the wardrobe,

so I asked him about it, and he told me.

He's always been a crap liar.

So I went off at him, of course, but, you know, he...

...he's my boy.

It was all me.

Honest to God, it was all my idea.

And Travis will do anything I tell him, you know that.

I brought you up better than that.

We just... I don't know.

Our heads were proper all over the place.

Look, I did put that hat in the bin. OK, that's true.

But I did also throw up.

Keeps happening.

I reckon it must be morning sickness or...

...something and...

Oh, my girl.

Come here. Why didn't you say?

CRYING I'm gonna be a grandad?

It was a total shock. I don't know how it happened.

Well, obviously, I do know how it happened.

We had sex. Yeah.

I shouldn't be surprised cos we have a lot of sex...

Yeah, all right, all right, Trav.

Suddenly, we were like, "Oh, my God, we've barely got nothing,

"and now we're gonna have a little baby to look after," and...

...we panicked.

And Mick, you know, he'd had all that heart trouble,

and he was still drinking too much and eating shit,

and I thought he was probably gonna snuff it soon anyway, so...

you know, maybe it's not so bad if we just...

...sped things up a bit.

Cos he was horrible.

Don't say that he weren't, Mum, cos he was.

You know that he was.

He was a nasty, horrible twat.

LAUREN SIGHS But...

But obviously, it is bad, innit?

You're asking me if murdering someone is bad?

Yes, Lauren, it's very, very bad.

Yeah, I know that. I just wanted... We wanted...

We just wanted to start a life together.

Hm. As a family.

We asked Mick for help buying a place, and he just wouldn't.

We're living with Colin in Trav's old room.

We're about to be parents,

and we're sleeping in a room with Spider-Man wallpaper.

Can't you just not tell the police what you know, Dennis?

You're not a copper no more.

They're kids who were just scared and did something stupid.

DS Hernandez is a good detective. She'll get there in the end.

What if she doesn't get there?

We kill her as well? Jesus. No, Trav.

I'm saying what if I tell her I did it? Hm?

I got a motive - I hated him.

You don't carry on investigating

when someone confesses to a crime, right?

What are you talking about, Col?

Let me take the rap for this.

No way. You are not going to jail for my mistake!

I've had a good life.

I've done what I wanted to do.

I married the most beautiful girl I've ever met.

And I lost her.

I'll be fine in prison. I've done it before.

You two can have my room, put the baby in yours.

Keep the wallpaper.

Mum?

Well, if I had the choice,

I'd rather let Colin go to jail instead of you but...

But you don't have a choice because I know the truth.

Dennis, please.

Let me do this.

Do you remember I told you there's a whole list of stuff

they never pinned on me back in the day, hm?

I stole thousands they never got back.

As I live and breathe,

if they'd have put me away for all of the things I did,

I'd still be in inside now,

so you're not putting away an innocent man.

You're just keeping a young family together.

OK, what's going on?

Dennis, you text me. What's this about?

I'll leave this with you.

SNIFFLING

TRAVIS CRIES

You did the right thing. Not by the law.

I'll visit, yeah? I promise.

But maybe Miss Marple was right -

"Justice is not always the law, and the law's not always justice."

It's the other way around.

If you're gonna quote Miss Marple, please get it right.

I just came to say thanks, and I promise we won't interfere.

With what?

The pub. I know it's your thing.

What are you talking about, Tiff? Aw.

You didn't read the settlement, did you?

Eddie.

Denny boy.

It was a 50/50 split, Den. The pub's half mine now.

Ours, when we're married. Hm.

So, what's a bloke gotta do to get a drink round here, eh?

What did I miss?

You're having a party?

It's just a little leaving party for an old friend.

Good to see you, mate.

You've filled my pub full of gangsters.

They're just businessmen.

Eddie knows these people, Dennis. They're big drinkers.

You need to go. I don't need you any more.

I think I might be in a bit of trouble here.

It walks amongst us.

We've got a problem to deal with. We're gonna sort it out between us.

Call Maria. I think Dennis is in danger.

Oh, my God, there's a body!