Original subtitles

♪ What's on my mind

♪ It only takes a minute, girl

♪ Only takes a minute, girl

♪ To fall in love To fall in love

♪ It only takes a minute, girl

♪ Just one minute for you

♪ To fall in love, fall in love To fall in love... ♪

WHISTLING

Papa.

♪ It only takes a minute, girl Please

♪ To fall in love Just one minute

♪ It only takes a minute, girl It only takes a minute, girl

♪ To fall in love To fall in love

♪ It only takes a minute, girl... ♪

Oi, oi! Oi!

♪ Fall in love. ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's still early season. So, why's everyone else selling out?

Last Tuesday at Waikiki's,

they were queueing round the block for Jeff Leppard.

I'm done, mate.

STEVE SIGHS What's going on?

Darren's leaving the band.

Oh, bloody hell!

Benidorm's Best Tribute Act 2019, and you're just walking away?

Mate, if he wants to go, just... Oh, well, of course, you don't care.

You've always thought you'd make a better Robbie.

What?! Well, you have, though, haven't you?

Yeah. Well, it's all yours, mate,

cos I'm gonna do my own Robbie Williams night.

In Benidorm? No.

I've got a gig at Caesars Carvery in Faliraki,

and I'm leaving tomorrow.

If you're going, I'm gonna need that grand you owe me.

Oh, give it up, mate. You're never seeing that again.

Dicks like Darren are only out for themselves.

You know he's been shagging Isabella.

Oh...

You what?

In fact, you can't quit

cos I guess now it's time that you are sacked for good.

I'm sacking you. You're sacked.

We only got that award cos I started singing Angels in the encore.

In fact, that is mine.

You touch that award, and I'll kill you!

Shh, shh! What's going on?

Boys... Boys, enough with the argy-bargy.

I'm doing you a favour, lads, cos you're wasting your life out here.

Go home, do something else before you wake up in ten years

and realise what's obvious to everyone else -

you're just three knobheads from Yorkshire who can't sing.

I'm actually from Runcorn.

Oh, my God.

SIGHS

Darren, it's me. Open up.

Darren, I want that award back. I'm not leaving without it.

You know I've got a key, dickhead.

Shell?

What we gonna do?

Suppose we'll have to go to the beach. Oh!

Morning, Dennis.

Archie... What you doing there?

You didn't kick me out last night.

You weren't in here last night. I checked.

Not under the table.

SIGHS

DOOR OPENS

You need help.

Ah. You worked in a pub before?

Have I?! I grew up in a pub.

I've been pouring pints since I was three years old.

Obviously, that was a lie.

Ten euros an hour, cash in hand.

Ten? No, no, no. Let's negotiate. OK, seven.

I am a fast learner with a diploma... in acting.

Also a proven liar with no experience.

Let's say 12. Nine.

Eleven? Ten.

Perfect! But I need time off for auditions.

Deal.

So, anyway, I'm waiting there.

There's a queue of beautiful women wanting to talk to me.

Archie, I'm not coming to some over-50s singles night.

Ah, nah, reserve judgment until you've seen the photos.

Sorry, first day. What was it?

A coke. A coke. I can do that.

Er, excuse me, is your kitchen open?

Kitchen?

Erm, I'm not sure. Dennis?

Is the kitchen open?

Yep. Yes.

HE SIGHS IN RELIEF

Here.

Margarita was Miss Costa Rica 1996.

I'm done with relationships, mate.

Who said anything about relationships?

Everyone's only there for one thing -

couple of hours of mutually beneficial physical intimacy.

Longer for me... cos I'm tantric.

SIGHS

Sorry. SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

You look familiar. Did you work at the Vegas Lounge?

Yeah, I play piano for Non-Jovi.

Rita? Rosa. I was a dancer.

You remember the sexy horses?

Didn't recognise you without your stirrups.

How are you? You don't look great.

Me and a mate had a falling-out.

But you don't want me to bore you with my problems.

OK.

He always thought he was the talented one.

Maybe he was.

Maybe I was jealous.

But this morning, they found his body floating in the pool.

Holy shit!

Sorry. What happened?

Well, I don't know.

There must've been some kind of accident.

Steven Evans?

I'm arresting you for the murder of Darren Small.

What? Holy shit.

I swear, the last time I saw him was backstage after the gig.

Yeah, where we know you had a big fight.

CCTV shows you go into his room last night at 1:46am.

I was drunk. I just went to get something.

What? This award.

It's a stupid lump of glass, but it weren't in his room,

and neither was Darren, I swear.

I was in there no longer than a minute.

Long enough to throw someone off a balcony.

Yeah, it only takes a minute.

What? Why was that weird?

This way. Ah.

This is wrong. I know him. He's actually really nice.

It's OK, lady. We know what we're doing.

HE SCOFFS

You can go back inside now, Dennis. Is it "bring your kid to work" day?

I'm 23. Got any ID?

Jesus Ballesteros. You know her?

Inspector Hernandez and I have a long-running difference of opinion.

She thinks my alcohol license is dodgy.

I think she's a complete waste of tax payers' money.

Ha! As if you pay tax.

We may need to take a statement.

Let me give you my personal number. Jesus!

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Is Craig With The Monkey a real person?

Yes and no.

Not his real name? Not a real monkey.

You were in the police?

HE SIGHS 35 years.

So you should come to the hotel where the man died and investigate.

SCOFFS

And why would I wanna do that?

Moral obligation.

If we do nothing, an innocent man will go to jail.

How can you be sure he's innocent?

I have a gift.

I know when people are telling the truth.

OK.

I don't wanna investigate

because I can't be bothered and I don't care.

Was that true?

Hm.

That detective woman, you don't like her, right?

Not really. So prove she's got the wrong man.

Make her look really dumb. Hello?

Serve that fella, would you?

What the hell you doing?

One hour, or I will throw this in the sea.

You throw that in the sea, I'll sack you.

You don't help, I quit AND throw this in the sea.

SIGHS DEEPLY

Half an hour. Estupendo! Vamos.

What, you're coming, too?

What do you know about investigating murders?

Everything!

When I was 12, I broke my leg,

so my parents bought me a DVD player.

You know one of those little portable ones with the screen?

They bought it second-hand from some old English woman.

I think she died.

Anyway, when I tried to use it, I saw there was a disc inside,

and that disc was the first-ever episode of Midsomer Murders.

Do you know that show?

I played it, and I was thinking, "This is SO old-fashioned,"

and I was going to turn it off,

but then Gerald Hadleigh is found beaten to death,

and I'm like, "I have to know who did this."

By the time my cast came off,

I had already watched all 142 episodes.

And after that, I took a super-deep dive into Murder, She Wrote,

Diagnosis Murder, Touch Of Frost, Bergerac...

This is not like on telly.

Real police work takes hundreds of hours of gathering information.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the boss!

I am only here to observe.

Look, I'll go on my own and ask some questions in the bar.

You stay here and don't talk to anyone, OK?

Stay here, don't talk to anyone, million percent.

Excuse me, can I ask you a few questions?

OK, this is big. I've got something.

This is Shell and Tony. Call me Big Tone.

No. Tony and Shell arrived last night.

Tell him what you told me. Well, we were delayed getting in.

Three hours on the tarmac at Stansted.

When we got to reception, there was no-one there.

'Then all of a sudden...' WATER SPLASHES

What was that splash? It was probably a seagull.

A seagull? Yeah, one of them big ones.

A seagull? Yeah. One of them big ones.

I said, "What's a seagull doing in the pool?

"Should be in the sea." SHE CHUCKLES

And now I'm thinking it's more likely that bloke.

And what time was this?

Quarter to one. I'd just checked my watch.

The police said Steve went into Darren's room at 1:46,

a whole hour later.

Darren was already dead.

OK, not bad.

Thank you.

The killer is still out there. We can solve this case.

If you were still in the police, what would you do now?

We'd go to the pub. After the pub.

Probably a curry. In the investigation.

Er, probably question the band.

Yes! Let's do that.

SIGHS

Say that again.

I'm Jason, but in the band, I play Mark.

He's Mark, but in the band, he plays Jason.

Ah.

And Howard. Joward.

People could never tell the difference between Howard and Jason,

so we just combined the two.

Saves money.

So, what did you guys do after the gig last night?

I was with Isabella. She's my girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

And you? I was in my room all night.

And what was Darren like?

Well, he was, er... a good singer.

And he knew it. He was arrogant.

And tight. He never got a round in. Still owes me a grand.

Yeah, you couldn't trust him. He stole his bird.

Still, he was a good singer, though?

Hi.

And, er, who are you?

I'm Sergeant Rosa Ortega.

Inspector... Dennis. You all right?

Inspector Dennis has just flown in

from the UK to assist with our investigation.

Did the airline lose your bags?

No. Yes.

Ah... Yeah.

Please be discrete with your inquiries.

I like everything to be perfect, perfect, perfect for our guests.

This your place, is it, Carlos?

Yes, my wife and I took over eight years ago.

She's young enough to be his daughter.

Well, she is my daughter.

My wife died two years ago.

Ah, sorry for your loss.

She's like my Puig Campana, you know?

The mountain that looks over Benidorm.

She's my rock.

If you'll excuse me.

Isabella, see that the detectives have everything they need.

How can I help you?

Ah, it's all right. We were just leaving.

We need a copy of the CCTV from last night

and a key to the crime scene.

Sure.

So sad to think this is the last thing someone saw before they died.

So, what are we looking for? CAMERA CLICKS

I'll know when I find it.

Of course, the anomaly.

The little thing in the room that only the detective notices.

The missing chess piece, the two left shoes.

In Murder, She Wrote, series five, episode 13,

Jessica finds a feather duster.

Everyone thinks, "Whatever," but Jessica knows it's important.

In the end, it turned out the murderer used it

to clean the crime scene.

There you go - the anomaly.

TRAFFIC DRONES

Dennis, come out here.

Do you think someone can climb around that?

HE SCOFFS Yeah, Spider-Man.

You know, I can't decide if you're more like Morse,

because you drink too much,

or Columbo, because of your bad clothes.

I always thought Columbo would have a bad smell.

Not a super-bad smell but kind of funky.

You know? Like when you cook a potato in a microwave.

You know, a bit funky.

Would you like to explain?

Your whole investigation is a joke.

I mean, why haven't forensics been here yet?

We're over-stretched. We don't have the...

I don't need to explain myself to you.

What were you doing in his room? You've got the wrong bloke.

Did you notice the missing gin from the mini bar?

Yes. Actually, no, but so what?

Well, he had an all-inclusive wrist band. Why use the mini bar?

And there was a light bulb missing from the balcony,

and the trouser press wasn't in the wardrobe.

So he was using the trouser press.

Oh, look alive, Jesus. Nobody uses a trouser press.

This is why he didn't kill Darren?

Because someone moved the trouser press?

No, these are what I call anomalies.

Hey! I told you that.

Steve didn't kill Darren

because by the time he went to his room last night,

Darren was already dead.

Let me introduce you to Big Tone.

A seagull? Yeah, one of them big ones.

What time was this?

Quarter to one. I checked my watch. Can I see the watch?

Shell. Oh.

He don't like a tan line.

This is an hour slow.

Oh, you dozy twonk.

You forgot to wind it forward when we landed.

This means that the sound of the body hitting the water

coincides exactly with when we know Steve was in Darren's room.

And being a detective was your actual job, yes?

HE EXHALES DEEPLY Why did I ever listen to you?

You've wasted everyone's time. Leave it, Michelle.

DISTANT RADIO PLAYS

I thought you were re-stocking the crisps.

Crisps can wait. Look at this.

Half an hour before Darren comes back to his room,

this guy walks into the room next door, 514.

Then at 1:46, here comes Steve.

He goes in.

One minute later, he comes out again.

Fast forward ten minutes,

Sombrero guy comes back out of room 514.

I checked with the hotel, and that room was empty.

Suspicious, yes? Yes!

And now looks like his arm is missing.

Perhaps he was mauled by a bear.

Is that a roast? Where'd you get a roast?

I had it delivered.

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

Rosa, take your medicine.

The guy's guilty, and if he's not guilty,

he's gonna need more than a knackered old copper

and a failed actress to help him out.

You think I'm a failed actress?

You know what my father said to me

when I told him I wanted to be an actor?

He said, "I would rather you told me you were a bank robber.

"At least then maybe you'd earn some money."

HE SIGHS Jeez.

I'm... I'm sorry. I...

HE STUTTERS I didn't mean... you know...

Ha! Failed actress? I had you.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did, because I am a brilliant actress.

But more importantly, I am a good person.

And bad things happen when good people do nothing.

Nothing's all you've done since you've worked here.

Do them crisps.

Why did you come to Benidorm, Dennis?

To sit in your boring pub and do nothing until you die?

Give or take. But you can solve this case.

No, I can't. My brain's gone.

I mean, imagine not even checking the watch. Schoolboy error.

Do the crisps.

Do it yourself. I quit.

HE SIGHS

Seriously, what's wrong with my toasties?

Hm-hm-hm. Mmm!

SIGHS

Did you put on weight?

Hi, Jackie.

You want a funny hat?

I'm OK, thanks. You're sad.

Did you do badly in an audition again?

No, I'm just feeling a bit out of my depth.

I understand.

I saw your showreel, Rosa. It's not very good, eh?

Can you help me?

I'm not talking about acting.

I know this person who got arrested for murder.

Ah, the Gary Barlow man. You know about that?

I know everyone.

He pushed Robbie Williams from the fifth floor.

But I know he didn't.

The police aren't even looking at the other bandmates.

One was jealous of his new job,

then there's this weird love triangle with Isabella.

No, not a triangle.

She only loved one of them. Who? Who was Isabella in love with?

I'm afraid that is gonna cost you.

I thought we were friends.

No.

Hola. No, thank you.

PHONE RINGING

SIGHS

Isabella and Darren were totally in love.

So she chucked him off the balcony because he was leaving?

No, no, no, that's the thing. He was not leaving.

Well, he was leaving, but he was not leaving her.

She was going with him to Greece. 'Interesting.'

Well, all the best with that.

No, stop pretending you don't care. I'm coming to the pub.

'I'm not at the pub.'

The pub's closed tonight. 'Where are you?'

SIGHS None of your business.

OK. Weird. I'll see you tomorrow.

I thought you quit?

OK, fine. Goodbye forever.

SIGHS

Shall we just pretend we didn't see each other?

I was here on police business. Oh, really... Maria?

Look, I'm not judging.

I'm just surprised you qualified for an over-50s thing.

I had to persuade them to let me in.

You'll be fine.

How was it?

One of the worst ten minutes of my life.

Enjoy.

I don't suppose you fancy going for a drink?

I was working 12-, 14-hour days.

Tiff ended up having an affair. Tiff?

Tiffany. Your wife was called Tiffany?

No, Tiffany was the cat. We just drifted.

Yes, my wife was called Tiffany.

I can't picture you with a woman called Tiffany.

When I think of a Tiffany, I think of someone,

I... I don't know, attractive.

She was.

That was the problem.

That what happened to you? Pressures of the job?

I don't wanna talk to you about this.

Divorce?

Personal things. Feelings.

Mm. You surprise me.

That I don't wanna open up to a man I barely know and don't respect?

No, that you have feelings.

I'm not bad at my job.

What did I say? I didn't say anything.

You said I was a complete waste of taxpayers' money.

Well, apart from that.

I am a good detective, OK? The whole force has been cut back.

Well, you've always got Jesus. Jesus?

Yesterday, he accidentally called me "Mum".

HE CHUCKLES

Do you want another drink? Hm.

I've got work tomorrow. So do I.

If you call "sitting around drinking beer" work.

Well, that's not fair. I often have to stand up.

Good night.

Why are you still here?

'Si, ahora mismo.'

No, no lo sabia.

De acuerdo.

Si, pues dile... dile que me llame. Si.

Esta manana. Adios.

Seriously, why are you still here? I was just getting my shoes.

So, you've got the postmortem results back, then.

How do you know that?

Two injuries, one on either side of his head?

That didn't happen on the fall.

Must have been attacked in his room. SHE SIGHS

I'm so glad you're here to explain this to me

But that doesn't make sense, cos why would you kill someone

and then throw their body over the balcony?

Either way, you're now looking for a murder weapon.

But Steve was empty-handed when he left the room.

I saw the tape. How have you seen the tape?

You need to stop interfering with this investigation right now,

or I will arrest you for perverting the course of justice.

There's only one pervert in here, things you got up to last night.

That was a mistake. Nah, come on. It was fun.

No, I mean the whole thing.

I don't know how it happened. Please just leave.

Fair enough.

But if I were you, I'd have another look at that crime scene.

The murder weapon has to be in there.

I don't need advice from detectives like you.

I googled you last night while you were snoring in my bed.

Sorry about that.

You didn't retire.

You were fired for planting evidence.

SIGHS SOFTLY

I was set up. Of course.

I was set up by my boss.

That's who Tiff was having the affair with.

I was a good copper. Well, now you're a barman.

So go back to your miserable pub and leave the police work to me.

HE SIGHS

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

You gonna eat that sausage? Yes.

What about those beans?

Bella, you've not touched the beans.

Does "quit" mean something different in Spanish?

My father says if I don't have a job,

I have to go and live back at home.

I thought you wanted nothing to do with the case.

I don't. Just keeps coming back, like you.

Is it maybe a little to do with Inspector Maria?

I feel like there's something you're not telling me.

Mm. There's really not.

Darren was hit on the head twice before he went over the balcony.

How do you know this?

The Spanish cops think that the CCTV of Steve coming to Darren's room

is what incriminates him,

but I think it's what proves he didn't do it.

He's empty-handed when he leaves, and there's nothing in the room

that you could use as a murder weapon.

I went back in and had a look at the crime scene this morning.

Without me?

There was a smell of gin on the balcony.

The mini bar.

Darren was killed with the missing gin bottle.

What? No!

How's a miniature gin bottle gonna be heavy enough

to do that kind of damage?

What kind of damage? Where are you getting this from?

Whoever killed Darren is under that sombrero.

Which is literally what I said yesterday.

Yeah, but now I know who it is.

Look what happens after he leaves the room.

What killer cares about a wonky picture?

One that likes everything to be perfect, perfect, perfect.

I have called the police.

The real police.

Well, I guess one of us are getting arrested, then.

Isabella, when did you tell your father

you were leaving for good with Darren?

The night before we were meant to leave.

Papa. Que?

♪ Fall in love... ♪

I was too afraid to tell him sooner.

You come into my hotel, and you say such disgusting things?

How did I kill Darren?

Gotta be honest, I'm not a hundred percent.

Well, good luck.

You have two minutes until the police arrive to figure it out.

Isabella, come now.

Vamos.

You should probably go.

Your father's not gonna be best pleased if you get arrested.

I think that's why I want to stay. HE SIGHS DEEPLY

You know what they call this? This is the brick wall.

The cops are sure they have their man,

but the crime seems impossible to solve

and it looks like he's going to get away with it.

But it's OK because you know what comes next?

The eureka moment.

In Miss Marple, series one, episode five,

Colonel Lucius Protheroe is found dead in the vicarage.

And it turns out the second gunshot was fake.

What is it? What are you staring at?

It's happening? You're having the eureka moment?

Not with you banging on, I'm not.

I warned you.

I told you what would happen. You going down.

Shut up, Jesus. Dennis is about to solve the case.

Right? Mm, I'd say I'm 50-50.

Jesus... Wait, wait, wait!

Look...

Carlos called Isabella his rock.

She's like my Puig Campana, you know?

The mountain that looks over Benidorm.

She's my rock.

He couldn't let her go, especially not with a bloke like Darren.

Lucky for him, he finds Steve and Darren arguing earlier,

which presents him with both a suspect and a weapon.

You touch that award, and I'll kill you!

This is pure speculation.

You think this is flimsy? I'm just getting started.

Keep going.

Carlos goes up to fifth floor.

He can't switch the CCTV off because it would look suspicious,

but earlier, he finds a disguise.

That's who was on the CCTV.

This man goes into the room next door.

It's a misdirect. Right?

So how does he get between rooms? I'll show you.

What is happening? I think this is the denouement.

Look at the skirting here.

The whole room is made out of evenly cut pieces, apart from this bit.

Why cut it like that?

Why don't you just save everyone's time and tell us?

Cos the hotel's just been refurbished,

and the wardrobe used to be here.

OK. Where are you going with this?

Next door. Give me your master key.

Right.

I was thinking about the magician,

the Amazing Keith and His Secret Door.

DOOR CLOSES

There's always some compartment or a panel or something.

NEIGHBOURING DOOR OPENS

And after the hotel was refurbished, it was adults only.

There's no families staying.

No families means you don't need any...

Ta-da!

EXHALES DEEPLY ...interconnecting rooms.

That's good. That's really good.

They don't even bother to brick it up.

They just move the wardrobe from here and put it in front of it.

But this would mean Carlos was in the room when Steve came in.

Almost.

Almost? This is total bullshit.

You let yourself into room 514 next door,

took off your poncho and got into the wardrobe,

where you then popped out the wee plugs

that hold the back panel in place,

taking you through into Darren's room.

You think he just jumped him and killed him?

Darren was a big, muscly guy, and Carlos is kind of puny.

Good point well made, Jesus.

There was no light bulb on the balcony

because Carlos took it out.

When Darren got back, he went outside

and was distracted by the light...

...allowing him to use the element of surprise.

You hit him once to knock him out...

THUD, DARREN GROANS

...and a second time to kill him. THUD

Anyone could have been on their balcony and been none the wiser.

The whole thing was done in near silence.

Silent but deadly.

Course you didn't bank on Steve arriving at exactly that moment.

Darren, it's me. Open up.

Darren, I want that award back. I'm not leaving without it.

'You were about to be found next to a dead body.'

You know I've got a key, dickhead.

You did the only thing you could think of.

You threw Darren's body over the balcony.

WATER SPLASHING

What was that splash? It was probably a seagull.

So when Steve comes out, he looks around,

sees nothing and leaves.

You clean your finger prints from the murder scene

using the gin from the mini-bar, go back through the wardrobe...

Like Aslan the Lion.

Yeah, like Aslan the Lion.

...forgetting to replace the trouser press.

You then put your disguise back on and left the way you came,

clutching the award, the murder weapon,

under your poncho.

I'm guessing by the look on your face

I've pretty much nailed that, eh?

Papa?

ISABELLA BREATHES HEAVILY

ISABELLA SNIFFLES, SOBS

That was by far the luckiest piece of police work I have ever seen.

And all done without planting a single piece of evidence.

I meant what I said. I was a good detective.

I am a good detective.

So don't ever interfere in police business again.

Not gonna.

Or tell anyone about what happened last night.

I won't make that mistake ever again.

Me neither.

I mean it. You tell anyone, and...

Yeah, yeah, you'll arrest me and shut down my miserable little pub.

I was going to say "depressing little pub".

Hm, well, can't be right every time.

Wow! JESUS CLEARS THROAT

Maybe after, you and me could go get a little drink somewhere?

After what, puberty?

CLEARS THROAT

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

That was perfect - the anomaly, the brick wall,

classic eureka moment, and all solved in under two days.

Yeah. That's never happened before.

You've never had me as a partner before.

We're not partners. OK, partner.

You're not my partner. OK, partner.

HE SIGHS

We have a celebrity in the Laughter Lounge tonight,

Vince Starky. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What you doing here?

Five sell-out nights at The Benidorm Palace apparently.

Hey-hey!

There's a lot of pressure on this case,

and I have no detectives.

We've got a new case? That is hilarious.

So, this guy is a comedian?

It was meant to be the start of his comeback.

We should speak to Jackie. JACKIE SIGHS

Apparently, you know the word on the street. What?

What is it? What's going on?

I just found the murder weapon.

What a bloody mess.

There's something else going on.