Original subtitles

(epic action music playing)

Now that I, Chinnos, finally wield the Doomsday App,

I can restart this planet in flames,

as a utopia.

I don't know, Chinnos. You say "utopia,"

but what I'm hearing is "kill everyone."

And I really don't want to find a new dry cleaner.

Your funny-but-not-too-funny banter

will not save you, Magnesium Man.

Yeah, but it did distract you, didn't it, Dad Bod?

Take him, Airshot!

(weapon clicking)

Yes, Airshot, pump that air gun!

Five pumps? Think of the pressure.

Aw, what's the matter? Bad head day?

It's time I took the Vindicators out of the equation.

I'll take that dance now.

(audience crying)

Their first kiss was their last.

(audience crying)

Huh? (stammering)

(snoring)

Wow. It was called Crystal War

because they were all turned to crystals.

Hey, now is not the time for your cold-hearted analysis.

The sequel isn't coming out for a year.

What loving God would make us wait that long?

A year? That's, like, a million years.

I cannot wait. Don't you leave me,

you be-cape-ed gob-smashers!

(grunts)

Children, I pulled you out of your classes today

to warn you of a dangerous new Internet trend.

The paprika challenge?

(muffled): The eight ball challenge?

No, the highly-imitatable stunt I'm referring to

is the "flag yourself" challenge.

(excited chatter)

Instead of a merely verbal warning,

it's clear to me a more effective deterrent

would be to show you a video of the stunt

performed by YouTube star Reaction Guy.

Whoa, Reaction Guy?

Everybody who's anybody gets reacted to by him.

Watch and learn... to not do this.

What up, Reaction Faction? It's your boy, Reaction Guy.

Today I'm gonna be reacting to the Flag Yourself Challenge.

Shout-out to my crew, Hedgehog, Thin Mint, and White Malik.

They're gonna raise me like a flag.

(students exclaiming)

(excited chatter)

Whoa-ho! Whoa, this is so clench!

-(overlapping chatter) -Wow, cool!

Ooh, ooh!

Hey, guys, this is Bart Simpsn

from my new channel, Reaction Bart.

Big shout-out to my boy White Seymour for putting me onto

the Flag Yourself Challenge. So clench!

Okay, hit it. Check it out.

I'm waving at my haters and they don't even know it.

Clench! Clench! Whoa-ho-ho!

Buy my merch.

Merch to come. Merch!

Whoa.

Whoa. His obliques must be shredded.

I got to check them out next time we go swimming.

Whoa! (grunting)

Oh, ooh, ow, ooh.

Milhouse, no!

I need your passcode to upload the video.

Yo, Milhouse, I got you a balloon form the gift shop.

Oh.

So what'd the doctors say?

(groans) I have a full-body sprain.

Most of my muscles are wrapped around the wrong bones.

Okay, champ, physical therapy time.

Who's ready for four hours of stretch bands?

No, not the purple.

(whimpering)

Glucose? (chuckles)

Don't mind if I do-cose. (slurping)

Okay, mate, you can do this.

It's hard, but those little buggers are counting on you.

Do it for the buggers.

(gulping)

Ugh. (shudders)

(gulping)

-Top of the bing-bong, ladies. -(gasps)

-You're Glen Tangier. -You're Airshot.

Good on you, Nightingales.

Now, who can point me towards, uh,

"Milhouse Van Houten"?

Ooh, right down the hall and to the left, Glen.

Wow. Flirt much, Debby?

Sorry, we can't all be married to

Ogdenville's car detailing king Duke Druthers.

What's up, little bro?

How's my favorite real-life superhero?

Holy crap, you're Glen Tangier.

Uh-uh-uh, never heard of him.

The name's Airshot.

(blows)

You're my favorite Vindicator.

You don't even have any powers, you're just super good at air.

Uh, easy now. Don't get too excited, Milhouse.

Oh, I'm not...

I am Milhouse.

(whimpering)

That's right. (chuckling) Calm down, hero.

Don't make whatever you have worse.

Is it something that gets worse? Please don't say it gets worse.

Oh, don't worry, Airshot, I'm okay.

Well, aren't you just Pimm to the brim with Adelaide spunk?

(gulping)

Oh, thank boomerang Jesus

you're not one of those brave little buggers

that I have to show this to.

Wait, what do you got in there?

Oh, it's a laptop with the sequel

to the Vindicators: Crystal garbage.

(gulping) All that matters is you're gonna be okay, mate.

(yawns) Never wanted to be an actor anyway,

just a simple koala butcher like me old man.

(snoring)

Yo, Airshot. Glen.

(snoring continues)

Hello.

(laptop beeps)

Sweet boomerang Jeebus.

(epic action music playing)

What an ending.

People are gonna freak out when they see it...

in a month from now.

Till then, I'm the only one that knows what happens.

Only I know.

I'm the most powerful kid in the world.

-(thunder crashes) -(snoring)

Toss that Kanga shank into the billy-boil.

It'll be tender by moon jump.

Yo, Fat Thor, I've seen Vindicators: Crystal War 2.

-You blaspheme! -My buddy Airshot showed it to me.

Ha. I repeat, ha.

As if Glen Tangier, the Tasmanian Adonis,

would deign to interact with someone of your insignificance.

Whoa!

You are defeated, Vindicator.

Not as long as I'm still breathing. (blows)

Sweet batarang Jesus. Tell me more.

Uhp-uhp-uhp-uhp-uhp. The first taste was free,

the next is gonna cost you.

I've had my eye on that Dr. 3 A.M. graphic novel.

Okay, strap yourself in. The way it goes down is...

But pause. The knowledge you offer

would spoil the movie event of the year. Nay, century.

Nay, epoch. Nay, summer.

Tell me nothing.

Ah, but my curiosity consumes me.

All right, here's the deal, the movie starts on the logo...

Silence! Speak!

Speak not. Expound!

I pass the test. I will diminish

and remain Comic Book Guy.

Mmm. Ooh, shrimp.

Hey. What would you give me not to find out what happens?

(slurps)

Be gone, Spoiler Boy.

Hm, Spoiler Boy.

(laughs) I like that.

¶ ¶

(gasps) That's the kid who saw

Vindicators: Crystal War 2: Resurgence.

Do what he says or he'll spoil the ending.

I must protect my virgin ears.

-(toilet flushing) -(gurgling)

I think you can do better than that.

Four chicken lumpettes per person.

Even if that person knows which Vindicator

loses a third of their powers fighting Karate Scorpion?

Zip it. My boyfriend's taking me to see that movie

when it gets to the two-dollar theater.

¶ ¶

Simpson, you're getting one day of detention

for every extra lumpette you eat.

Mmm.

Detention, is it?

I guess we'll have plenty of time to discuss

the fate of your favorite Vindicator, Black Voodoo.

(gasps) The champion of the French Quarter.

You wouldn't dare spoil the only thing

that brings me joy in this world.

Give me your toupee.

(laughs) Toupee?

I don't wear a toupee.

We fade in on Bourbon Street...

(gasps softly)

(singing nonsense)

Ooh! (stammers, laughs)

Principal Skinner. T-To what do we owe the honor, sir, at--

Oh, it's just you.

Hey, how'd you get all this stuff?

'Cause people do whatever I say

or I spoil the Vindicators movie for them.

Like so:

tell Mom it's okay for me to have soda on my cereal.

I don't know. Mom's not gonna go for that.

Okay. Get ready to hear the surprise ending.

Let me guess. The good guys win.

(gasps) Who told you?

You can't spoil that movie for me,

because I don't care what happens.

You see, as a grown-up,

I know that muscle jerks in tights with magic powers

punching and hugging each other is boring BS for babies.

So go ahead, tell me what Captain Doodad does

to Zippity Whoever.

Because it means nothing.

(gasps) My powers don't work on you.

But what if I could make them work for you?

Hmm. Your sinister tone intrigues me.

All-you-can-drink beers on me!

OTHERS: Yeah!

But paid for by Moe.

All right, I'm not even gonna dignify that with a "Whaaa?"

(zips)

Do the thing, boy.

No, no, don't ruin it, kid!

I'm taking my girlfriend to that movie

when it gets to the two-dollar theater.

-(Bart chuckling) -(zips)

(Homer groaning)

What time did you get home last night?

Ugh, it's not my fault.

Bart used his superpower

to get me drunker than I've ever beer.

(groans) I'm worried that all this blackmail

is turning Bart into a bad person.

(groans)

(zips)

(yawns)

What's the story, morning glories?

Young man, I don't like the way you're using those spoilies

to boss people around.

What?

I was given an amazing power,

so I'm using it.

If you were in my suitcase, you would do the same thing.

Fans have a deep connection to the Marble Cinematic Universe.

I would never exploit that, not for anything.

Oh... wouldn't you?

("True" by Spandau Ballet playing)

¶ ¶

(American accent): Lisa Simpson, I think your superpower

must be stealing hearts.

OTHERS: Aw...

How do you feel about exploitation now?

(giggling): It's okay.

(regular accent): How much longer do I have to keep up

this kookaburra charade?

How badly do you not want your bosses at Marble Studios

to know that I used your drunken thumb to see that movie?

You think I'm your jolly swagman, do you?

Well, my jumbuck's gonna be free

from your tucker bag next Thursday,

when that movie goes wide on every screen in creation.

And after that, you're nothing.

Let's get this party finished!

(dance music playing)

He's right.

I'm running out of time.

This is... endgame!

And so, today, we celebrate the 200th birthday

of our beloved oak tree, Old Susie.

Her stately branches have shaded our town's weddings,

family reunions, and quincen-- quincien--

uh, Mexican bar mitzvahs.

We're, uh, ow!

(chuckling)

Cover you ears! It's Spoiler Boy!

That's right. It's me.

And if you don't want the movie spoiled,

you'll all pull together and build me

the ultimate tree house of my own design.

Right here in Old Susie.

(all gasp)

Not in Old Susie!

Everyone in this town loves that tree!

We have no choice.

He's got us all by the short and curlies.

Unless the boy should meet with an unfortunate accident.

Oh. And if anything suspicious should happen to me,

I've hired the loudest man in town to yell the ending

on every street corner.

I'm on it!

You have 24 hours to build my tree house.

The clock is ticking.

(laughs evilly)

(gasps)

(humming)

Hey, buddy.

You're out of the hospital.

Don't you "Hey, buddy" me.

You stole my visit from Airshot.

You-- you villain!

Me, a villain? No way.

You just blackmailed the whole town

to build you a lair.

Okay. I will grant you the optics on the lair

are less than ideal.

You have actual powers which you use for evil.

You're a supervillain!

You dare call me a supervillain?

Then get a load of this:

the biggest spoiler in the whole movie!

BOTH: Magnesium Man!

Don't say another word!

The fate of our universe depends on it.

(Bart screams)

(Bart groans)

(yelps)

Where the hell am I?

Relax there, Spoiler Boy.

All we did was take you from your dimension into ours.

You know, the Marble universe?

What you consider to be movies make up our reality.

No way. Superheroes aren't real.

How dumb do you think I am?

(gasps) Actual superpowers!

Everything you see in your Vindicator movies

actually happens to us.

Even the post-credit sequences?

-Mm. -We brought you here

to see the result of your selfish actions.

Whoa! Airshot! Dead?

But in the movie he lives.

Wh-what happened?

You happened!

You son of a swamp witch!

You showed your Comic Book Guy a spoiler

of Airshot using his breath to save himself.

The powers of evil in our dimension

saw this and, so warned, taped Airshot's mouth shut.

And killed him.

(whimpers) I didn't know!

I never dreamed that spoilers really hurt people.

But they do. Spoilers kill!

I love you, Airshot! (sobbing)

The virtual reality's working.

The kid has no idea that this has all been fake.

I can't believe he didn't notice

that the dimensional portal in his backyard

was just a garbage bag full of glow sticks.

Tell me we're doing the right thing.

Tell me this is Bart's best chance

to choose to be a good person.

Don't worry, Marge.

No one's ever been hurt by a little gaslighting.

Remember how you always say that?

Remember?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, don't think of it as gaslighting.

Think of it as an ultra-enhanced,

immersive fan experience.

All this, just to keep spoilers from leaking.

Vindicators, colon, Crystal War, colon, Resurgence

bombing at the box office

would have devastating consequences.

Failing theme parks, unsold Halloween costumes

rotting on the docks,

mass suicides by popcorn farmers;

anything worse than a 55% hold

on its second weekend,

the global economy collapses like a house of cards.

Is that what you want, little girl? Is it?

(quietly): No. No.

Bart clearly feels bad.

Can't we let him out now?

No. We have to be absolutely sure.

Increasing simulation intensity.

Bring me the boy.

(warriors snarling)

Ahh!

Remember, kid, no spoilers!

Our universe depends on it!

And don't pirate movies. That hurts everyone.

So, the boy who's seen how all this ends.

Tell me what you know,

so I can use it to destroy the Vindicators.

In return, I will grant your deepest desire:

actual superpowers.

BART: Muscles...

claws...

bike!

Real powers.

That's even better than spoiler powers.

(chuckling)

Oh, no. Our son is going to choose evil.

Oh, no! Our son is so stupid he's going to fall for this!

It doesn't matter that's it not real.

Bart's soul is at stake.

Great emotion. Talk about upping the ante.

Tell me the spoilers, child.

And embrace your destiny as a villain.

Hmm.

Airshot.

All right.

I'll tell you what you have to do to win.

-No! -Uh-uh, kid.

Eat my shorts.

(grunts)

No. No.

-No...! -(screams)

Our son's a good guy! A good guy.

But he's still stupid. So stupid...

The kid turned down actual superpowers.

I think he'll keep his mouth shut.

Okay. We'll let him live.

-(humming triumphantly) -For now.

(groans)

Uh-- I'm back.

I just hope it's not too late.

What day is it?

Why, it's the Wednesday before Memorial Day, it is.

Then there's still time.

The movie hasn't been spoiled.

Don't worry, son.

Your secret I forgot is safe with me.

I saved their universe. I'm not a villain.

I'm a superhero.

-When can we tell him? -Never.

All right. No one's gonna talk.

The movie's safe.

We'll let them live. For now.

(minor key "When You Wish Upon a Star" plays)

I'm not a bad guy. I'm a good guy.

I'll never spoil anything again.

I'm a changed boy. A changed boy.

I always knew you had the stuff of heroes.

Just tell me, does Moby Man take his place

as the rightful sovereign of Fishtonia?

Does he? Bart! Tell me!

Stop your labors, good folk.

Magnesium Man bless us, every one.

NARRATOR: And Bart was as good as his word.

He kept his mouth shut.

So when everyone finally saw the movie on opening day,

they were filled with joy.

Then immediately got on their phones

and spoiled it for everyone else.

Shh!