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1
00:00:01,077 --> 00:00:03,669
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,746 --> 00:00:06,839
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:06,916 --> 00:00:10,676
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,795 --> 00:00:13,679
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,756 --> 00:00:17,408
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,410 --> 00:00:20,911
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,913 --> 00:00:22,504
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,582 --> 00:00:23,689
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,808 --> 00:00:30,029
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:42,268 --> 00:00:44,252
♪ ♪
11
00:01:08,519 --> 00:01:11,404
Fart joke.
12
00:01:12,556 --> 00:01:14,465
(sputters)
13
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:15,741
Sir, you need to get ready
14
00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:18,577
for your lifetime achievement
award ceremony.
15
00:01:18,654 --> 00:01:20,729
Thank you, shape-shifting valet.
16
00:01:20,807 --> 00:01:23,416
Remember, sir, I can be
any shape you wish.
17
00:01:23,492 --> 00:01:26,252
Yeah, but you're
already this, so...
18
00:01:29,315 --> 00:01:32,049
(indistinct chatter)
19
00:01:33,336 --> 00:01:34,576
Excuse me.
20
00:01:34,654 --> 00:01:35,577
Pardon me.
21
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,263
Beg your pardon.
22
00:01:37,340 --> 00:01:38,656
Coming through.
23
00:01:38,658 --> 00:01:39,432
Nice to see you.
24
00:01:39,550 --> 00:01:41,508
Thank you for coming.
25
00:01:41,627 --> 00:01:45,771
(indistinct chatter)
26
00:01:45,848 --> 00:01:48,499
MAN: What if I told you
you could accumulate
27
00:01:48,501 --> 00:01:49,758
all the wealth you'd ever want
28
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,278
simply by learning
the secrets of real estate?
29
00:01:52,355 --> 00:01:53,671
Oop, wrong room.
30
00:01:53,673 --> 00:01:55,742
MAN: And then what if
you could use that wealth
31
00:01:55,766 --> 00:01:59,035
to turn yourself
into a Broadway star?
32
00:02:04,517 --> 00:02:07,043
- ♪ ♪
- (applause)
33
00:02:10,614 --> 00:02:12,539
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen
34
00:02:12,616 --> 00:02:15,617
and 14 other genders
we have now.
35
00:02:15,695 --> 00:02:16,694
I'm Lane Bergan,
36
00:02:16,696 --> 00:02:20,622
the biggest star
of May 2020 and on.
37
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:24,368
So, if you've only watched TV
up until April of 2020,
38
00:02:24,370 --> 00:02:27,371
my name would be
unfamiliar to you.
39
00:02:27,373 --> 00:02:28,389
Lane Bergan?
40
00:02:28,465 --> 00:02:31,108
What, did Brett Kingston say no?
41
00:02:33,713 --> 00:02:36,730
When the Dwayne Johnson Center
for Confusing Ethnicity
42
00:02:36,807 --> 00:02:39,492
approached me about
hosting this night,
43
00:02:39,568 --> 00:02:42,052
I said it'd be
an honor to bestow upon
44
00:02:42,054 --> 00:02:46,815
Stewart Gilligan Griffin
our Lifetime Achievement Award.
45
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,668
When Stewie invented
the Wipeless Dump,
46
00:02:49,787 --> 00:02:53,506
our rainforests were
hanging on by a thread.
47
00:02:53,582 --> 00:02:57,084
Now, are there too many trees?
48
00:02:57,161 --> 00:03:00,404
Ladies and gentlemen,
Stewart Griffin.
49
00:03:00,406 --> 00:03:02,390
- ♪ ♪
- (applause)
50
00:03:07,763 --> 00:03:09,580
Thank you for this
wonderful honor.
51
00:03:09,582 --> 00:03:11,765
(rattling nearby)
52
00:03:11,884 --> 00:03:14,268
It's so wonderful to be
here with all of you.
53
00:03:14,344 --> 00:03:15,586
(rattling continues)
54
00:03:15,588 --> 00:03:17,863
You guys mind stopping
for just one minute?
55
00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:21,349
When I heard I was going
to be receiving this award, I...
56
00:03:21,427 --> 00:03:22,495
(shattering, rattling)
57
00:03:22,519 --> 00:03:23,928
I'm not the person
who yells at waiters,
58
00:03:23,930 --> 00:03:26,705
but maybe everyone
bussing tables can freeze?
59
00:03:26,782 --> 00:03:28,766
I-I don't understand
why I'm the person
60
00:03:28,768 --> 00:03:30,784
who has to be saying this, okay?
61
00:03:30,861 --> 00:03:32,806
Okay, I'll never forget
the first time I...
62
00:03:32,830 --> 00:03:34,605
(liquid pouring,
ice cubes jiggle)
63
00:03:34,607 --> 00:03:36,549
Wow, really?
64
00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:38,551
This award means the world to...
65
00:03:38,627 --> 00:03:39,701
(cork creaking)
66
00:03:39,779 --> 00:03:41,628
- me...
- (cork pops, liquid pouring)
67
00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:42,891
- and I want to thank...
- (cork pops)
68
00:03:42,915 --> 00:03:45,540
- (liquid pouring)
- everyone who...
69
00:03:45,618 --> 00:03:46,778
Anybody with
a (bleep) bowtie on,
70
00:03:46,802 --> 00:03:48,855
stop what you're doing,
walk into the coatroom,
71
00:03:48,879 --> 00:03:51,564
and don't come out
until I'm done talking!
72
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,624
(deep breath)
73
00:03:53,626 --> 00:03:56,460
I-I don't yell at waiters.
74
00:03:56,462 --> 00:03:57,956
I'm now going
to stop mid-sentence
75
00:03:57,980 --> 00:04:01,482
because I see someone from my...
76
00:04:01,558 --> 00:04:03,242
Brian?
77
00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:05,119
♪ ♪
78
00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:14,661
So, Brian,
how's Frank Sinatra, Jr.?
79
00:04:14,738 --> 00:04:16,438
You two still hanging out?
80
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,590
No. He died.
81
00:04:17,666 --> 00:04:19,333
I'll never forget it,
82
00:04:19,409 --> 00:04:21,502
it was Spiro Agnew's birthday.
83
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:23,596
Wow, so you, uh,
really went all-in
84
00:04:23,672 --> 00:04:24,822
with the Japanese screens.
85
00:04:24,824 --> 00:04:27,099
Yes, I really like
changing in silhouette
86
00:04:27,176 --> 00:04:28,561
while carrying
on a conversation.
87
00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:31,103
Will you excuse me?
88
00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:34,348
So, how was your flight?
89
00:04:34,424 --> 00:04:35,608
It was, uh, it was fine.
90
00:04:35,684 --> 00:04:37,610
I had a layover in Atlanta...
91
00:04:37,686 --> 00:04:39,169
What are you doing back there?
92
00:04:39,171 --> 00:04:41,505
Just getting into something
more comfortable.
93
00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:42,840
Can I interest you
in a nightcap?
94
00:04:42,842 --> 00:04:44,544
- I think I've got...
- Who is that?
95
00:04:44,568 --> 00:04:46,677
A little privacy, please!
96
00:04:46,679 --> 00:04:47,528
What the hell was all that?
97
00:04:47,604 --> 00:04:49,029
I have a lot of money, Brian.
98
00:04:49,106 --> 00:04:53,167
But let's continue this while
I take a very foggy shower.
99
00:04:55,612 --> 00:04:56,703
No, Stewie, come on.
100
00:04:56,822 --> 00:04:58,782
I haven't seen you
in almost 50 years.
101
00:04:58,858 --> 00:05:01,208
And you haven't even
told me how great I look.
102
00:05:01,285 --> 00:05:01,708
You do look great.
103
00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:02,860
Thanks to me.
104
00:05:02,862 --> 00:05:05,471
I invented a pill
to extend your life.
105
00:05:05,548 --> 00:05:07,548
It's called "Semper Fido."
106
00:05:07,624 --> 00:05:09,049
What? Why?
107
00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:11,568
Aren't you going to say anything
about the cute name I gave it?
108
00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:12,386
Ha.
109
00:05:12,462 --> 00:05:13,479
What? Why?
110
00:05:13,556 --> 00:05:15,039
I snuck it in your food
because I wanted you
111
00:05:15,041 --> 00:05:17,875
to live long enough to see that
global warming is bull crap.
112
00:05:17,877 --> 00:05:20,394
Oh, my God, we were
so wrong about that.
113
00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:22,470
If anything,
it's way colder now.
114
00:05:22,548 --> 00:05:23,489
Yes, and now thanks to you,
115
00:05:23,566 --> 00:05:25,658
we're stuck
with President Polar Bear.
116
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:27,493
President Polar Bear, is it true
117
00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:28,719
you ate the presidential seal?
118
00:05:28,721 --> 00:05:30,623
That was a simple
misunderstanding.
119
00:05:30,647 --> 00:05:32,551
- No further questions.
- REPORTER: President Polar Bear!
120
00:05:32,575 --> 00:05:34,794
REPORTER 2:
President Polar Bear, what did
you do for a Klondike bar?
121
00:05:34,818 --> 00:05:38,671
I believe the president has
answered all of your questions.
122
00:05:38,747 --> 00:05:41,065
Here's what I don't understand...
123
00:05:41,067 --> 00:05:42,399
Why did you even want me
to live this long
124
00:05:42,401 --> 00:05:43,545
if you were just gonna leave me?
125
00:05:43,569 --> 00:05:44,902
It's not about you, Brian.
126
00:05:44,904 --> 00:05:45,903
I couldn't take it back there.
127
00:05:45,905 --> 00:05:47,738
But they were your family,
Stewie.
128
00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:50,407
I guess I'm just
not a family guy.
129
00:05:50,409 --> 00:05:51,684
(canned laughter)
130
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,396
Mom and Dad always wanted me
to be someone I wasn't.
131
00:05:57,583 --> 00:06:00,767
Stewie Griffin,
get in here right now!
132
00:06:00,844 --> 00:06:03,031
-Yeah?
-Well, I just got
our Christmas card photos.
133
00:06:03,055 --> 00:06:06,014
You want to tell me what you're
doing with your hands here?
134
00:06:06,092 --> 00:06:06,532
Nothing.
135
00:06:06,609 --> 00:06:08,016
Exactly, nothing.
136
00:06:08,094 --> 00:06:10,852
And what does the greeting
at the top of the card say?
137
00:06:10,930 --> 00:06:13,931
"Merry Christmas
and a Shocking New Year."
138
00:06:13,933 --> 00:06:15,432
And what is every
other member of the family
139
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:16,542
doing with their hands?
140
00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:18,080
- The shocker.
- Right.
141
00:06:18,104 --> 00:06:20,771
Now, listen, Stewie,
I'm a cool dad, all right?
142
00:06:20,773 --> 00:06:23,565
I could care less what you
do with the pink, truly.
143
00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:26,126
But the stink is where
you get the "shocking."
144
00:06:26,203 --> 00:06:26,793
You get that?
145
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:27,889
You get what I'm saying?
146
00:06:27,913 --> 00:06:30,114
Even if it's just one,
that's fine.
147
00:06:30,116 --> 00:06:30,948
But you got to put
something there.
148
00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:32,466
I-I think it's gonna be fine.
149
00:06:32,584 --> 00:06:34,446
I'm sure people
won't even notice.
150
00:06:34,470 --> 00:06:36,211
(laughing)
151
00:06:36,288 --> 00:06:37,545
Oh...
152
00:06:37,623 --> 00:06:38,691
Anyway, that's why I left.
153
00:06:38,715 --> 00:06:40,457
Well, that was a long time ago.
154
00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:42,292
You have to come back.
155
00:06:42,294 --> 00:06:43,310
Stewie...
156
00:06:43,387 --> 00:06:44,461
Peter is dying.
157
00:06:44,463 --> 00:06:45,404
What?
158
00:06:45,481 --> 00:06:47,481
Oh, my God, that's awful.
159
00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:48,407
So, you'll come see him?
160
00:06:48,484 --> 00:06:49,633
Of course.
161
00:06:49,635 --> 00:06:50,795
You know, he once
asked me in the event
162
00:06:50,819 --> 00:06:53,654
that he was sick
to clear his Google history.
163
00:06:53,772 --> 00:06:56,874
"Peter Griffin search history."
164
00:06:57,493 --> 00:06:58,642
"Winnie the Pooh,
165
00:06:58,644 --> 00:07:00,402
"Winnie the Pooh jacket,
166
00:07:00,479 --> 00:07:02,829
"Winnie the Pooh vintage jacket,
167
00:07:02,906 --> 00:07:04,476
"Winnie the Pooh
letterman jacket,
168
00:07:04,500 --> 00:07:06,574
"Winnie the Pooh windbreaker,
169
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,335
"Eeyore jacket,
170
00:07:08,412 --> 00:07:09,653
"Eeyore vintage jacket,
171
00:07:09,655 --> 00:07:11,597
"Eeyore letterman jacket,
172
00:07:11,674 --> 00:07:13,657
lactating pregnant Latinas..."
173
00:07:13,659 --> 00:07:15,659
Wow. Huge turn there.
174
00:07:15,661 --> 00:07:17,436
"Piglet pencil erasers."
175
00:07:17,513 --> 00:07:18,845
Okay, getting back in there.
176
00:07:18,922 --> 00:07:21,515
"Full cast Winnie
the Pooh backpack."
177
00:07:21,591 --> 00:07:23,758
Oh, "cancer symptoms," yeah.
178
00:07:23,836 --> 00:07:26,278
"Coughing up blood,
pain in abdomen,
179
00:07:26,397 --> 00:07:27,671
Winnie the Pooh casket."
180
00:07:27,673 --> 00:07:28,672
Yeah, he is sick.
181
00:07:28,674 --> 00:07:29,818
You know, while we're here,
182
00:07:29,842 --> 00:07:31,503
let's take a look
at your search history.
183
00:07:31,527 --> 00:07:32,676
No, Stewie, that's...
184
00:07:32,678 --> 00:07:34,602
"Spiro Agnew birthday."
185
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,248
What a weird thing to try
to impress me with.
186
00:07:43,613 --> 00:07:45,539
Okay, first stop, Chris Griffin.
187
00:07:45,615 --> 00:07:46,759
(groans)
We have to pick up Chris?
188
00:07:46,783 --> 00:07:47,903
Yeah, what's the problem?
189
00:07:47,993 --> 00:07:49,993
Uh, we didn't exactly
get along too well.
190
00:07:50,087 --> 00:07:54,531
Especially after Grandpa died
and left me the dark boathouse.
191
00:07:54,533 --> 00:07:55,735
You can still use the boathouse
192
00:07:55,759 --> 00:07:57,868
on non-vacation Sundays
in the spring.
193
00:07:57,870 --> 00:08:00,370
I've always taken
care of you, Chris.
194
00:08:00,372 --> 00:08:01,722
Taken care of me?
195
00:08:01,757 --> 00:08:05,317
You're my kid brother,
you take care of me?
196
00:08:05,394 --> 00:08:06,727
Sorry, I came down here to vape.
197
00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:09,655
Send Chris off to do this,
send Chris off to do that.
198
00:08:09,732 --> 00:08:11,806
I'm supposed to be
shoveling the driveway.
199
00:08:11,826 --> 00:08:15,661
I'm your older brother, Stewie,
and I was stepped over!
200
00:08:15,738 --> 00:08:17,645
It's the way Grandpa wanted it.
201
00:08:17,723 --> 00:08:19,647
It ain't the way I wanted it!
202
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,669
Sounds like you're having
a personal conversation.
203
00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:22,835
I'll put in my earbuds.
204
00:08:22,911 --> 00:08:23,818
I'm smart!
205
00:08:23,896 --> 00:08:26,672
Not like everybody says,
like dumb.
206
00:08:26,749 --> 00:08:29,824
I'm smart and I want respect.
207
00:08:29,902 --> 00:08:32,970
♪ Funky Cold Medina. ♪
208
00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:39,667
Chris, you live in filth.
209
00:08:39,745 --> 00:08:40,686
What have you been doing?
210
00:08:40,763 --> 00:08:42,763
Yeah, I kind of wasted my life,
211
00:08:42,839 --> 00:08:45,840
except I obsessed over
teaching my penis how to talk.
212
00:08:45,918 --> 00:08:46,767
What?
213
00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:47,768
CHRIS' PENIS:
Who's out there?
214
00:08:47,844 --> 00:08:49,247
Settle down,
just got some company.
215
00:08:49,271 --> 00:08:51,755
CHRIS' PENIS:
Well, aren't you going
to introduce me?
216
00:08:51,757 --> 00:08:54,032
I'm getting to it,
if-if you'll give me a second.
217
00:08:54,109 --> 00:08:55,870
CHRIS' PENIS:
I want to have a look at them.
218
00:08:55,894 --> 00:08:59,354
Hey, numbskull, that's how we
got in trouble the last time.
219
00:08:59,431 --> 00:09:00,430
(laughs)
220
00:09:00,432 --> 00:09:01,932
He-he's really very friendly.
221
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:04,526
CHRIS' PENIS:
Where's the Jamba Juice
you were gonna get me?
222
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,620
Never mind,
I'll order it on Postmates.
223
00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:07,729
No, you won't.
224
00:09:07,731 --> 00:09:11,049
Stop spending all our money.
225
00:09:13,796 --> 00:09:15,612
So, what's Meg
been up to anyway?
226
00:09:15,614 --> 00:09:18,448
She runs a small
private security business
227
00:09:18,450 --> 00:09:19,374
out in the desert.
228
00:09:19,451 --> 00:09:20,617
That sounds kind of cool.
229
00:09:20,619 --> 00:09:24,454
Well, she basically just
tests bulletproof vests.
230
00:09:24,456 --> 00:09:25,397
(clicking)
231
00:09:25,474 --> 00:09:27,307
- Ready?
- One sec.
232
00:09:27,384 --> 00:09:28,458
(huffing)
233
00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:30,402
Yeah, go, go, go.
234
00:09:30,521 --> 00:09:32,312
- (gunshot)
- (Meg exclaims)
235
00:09:32,389 --> 00:09:34,464
(winces)
236
00:09:34,466 --> 00:09:36,391
Ooh... yeah.
237
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:38,302
(coughs, retches)
238
00:09:38,304 --> 00:09:40,245
(coughing)
239
00:09:41,657 --> 00:09:43,565
This one can use another layer.
240
00:09:43,642 --> 00:09:45,417
Oh, hey, guys.
241
00:09:45,494 --> 00:09:46,660
Um, are you okay?
242
00:09:46,736 --> 00:09:47,920
Yeah, I'll be fine.
243
00:09:47,996 --> 00:09:50,314
CHRIS' PENIS:
Hi, Meg. Bring it in.
244
00:09:50,316 --> 00:09:51,423
Hi, Chris' Penis.
245
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:52,649
How are you?
246
00:09:52,651 --> 00:09:55,344
CHRIS' PENIS:
Same spit, different day.
247
00:09:59,842 --> 00:10:01,583
Wow, look at Quahog.
248
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,419
Light rail system,
gleaming skyscrapers.
249
00:10:04,496 --> 00:10:05,731
SINGERS (on radio):
♪ Weenie and the Butt. ♪
250
00:10:05,755 --> 00:10:08,165
But somehow,
the same morning DJs.
251
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:10,275
SINGERS (on radio):
♪ Quahog 97 ♪
252
00:10:10,394 --> 00:10:12,336
♪ FM on the radio ♪
253
00:10:12,338 --> 00:10:13,595
♪ And the Internet ♪
254
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:15,522
♪ And the orb ♪
255
00:10:15,599 --> 00:10:17,357
♪ A new invention ♪
256
00:10:17,475 --> 00:10:18,670
♪ Which lets you hear stuff ♪
257
00:10:18,694 --> 00:10:20,527
♪ Right in your head ♪
258
00:10:20,604 --> 00:10:21,769
♪ Without a device. ♪
259
00:10:21,847 --> 00:10:23,513
MAN 1:
Try turning it off.
260
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:24,848
MAN 2:
You can't!
261
00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,161
That's not all
that hasn't changed.
262
00:10:26,185 --> 00:10:29,202
Cleveland's still on hold
with United Airlines.
263
00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:31,338
(Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue"
playing over phone)
264
00:10:33,709 --> 00:10:37,377
I'm starting to think my call
is not important to them.
265
00:10:37,454 --> 00:10:38,764
RECORDED VOICE:
Your call is important to us.
266
00:10:38,788 --> 00:10:41,139
Thank you for remaining
on the line.
267
00:10:41,216 --> 00:10:45,035
All right, you just bought
yourself another year.
268
00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:46,906
And Seamus is still on hold
with Spirit Airlines.
269
00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:49,775
RECORDED VOICE:
We don't give a crap about you,
but we're the cheapest,
270
00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:53,377
- so sit there and take it.
- Ah, sea turds.
271
00:10:53,379 --> 00:10:54,486
(knocking on door)
272
00:10:54,563 --> 00:10:57,714
Mr. Seamus, five minutes
to showtime, Mr. Seamus.
273
00:10:57,716 --> 00:10:59,733
Oh, I want to fly standby
to Pittsburgh,
274
00:10:59,809 --> 00:11:03,236
but I also want to host
The Muppet Show.
275
00:11:03,313 --> 00:11:05,247
(cars honking)
276
00:11:07,726 --> 00:11:10,151
Look at all this traffic.
277
00:11:10,229 --> 00:11:12,487
Yeah, Brady Boulevard
is tight this time of day.
278
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,748
You know what?
Cut over to Brady on Brady
279
00:11:14,824 --> 00:11:16,658
and then take the Brady Bridge.
280
00:11:16,735 --> 00:11:18,804
Is everything in this town
named after Tom Brady?
281
00:11:18,828 --> 00:11:22,255
Oh, no, there's the
Rob Gronkowski Library.
282
00:11:22,332 --> 00:11:24,741
The only book is just a label
ripped off a Muscle Milk bottle.
283
00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:27,352
And look, there's the
Robert Kraft Marina,
284
00:11:27,429 --> 00:11:29,079
- full of tugboats.
- (tugboat horn toots)
285
00:11:29,081 --> 00:11:33,066
-I heard he had a stroke.
-(high-pitched
tugboat horn toots)
286
00:11:34,753 --> 00:11:36,586
I can't even get my bearings.
287
00:11:36,588 --> 00:11:37,921
I'm gonna ask someone
for directions.
288
00:11:37,923 --> 00:11:39,584
I wouldn't do that.
Since you left,
289
00:11:39,608 --> 00:11:42,367
the New England accent
has become incomprehensible.
290
00:11:42,444 --> 00:11:43,610
I'm sure it's not that bad.
291
00:11:43,687 --> 00:11:46,430
Excuse me, sir,
where is the Quahog Harbor?
292
00:11:46,432 --> 00:11:47,931
- Cah gabbah?
- What?
293
00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:50,375
I-I just, I just want to know
where the Quahog Harbor is.
294
00:11:50,452 --> 00:11:51,452
Cah gabbah.
295
00:11:51,569 --> 00:11:53,453
Uh-oh, there's a lot of guys
296
00:11:53,530 --> 00:11:55,622
in Bruins hats
turning around now.
297
00:11:55,699 --> 00:11:58,959
-Abbah dabbah.
-Gwin' dahsee da Sawx.
-N'abbah dabbah.
298
00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:00,535
- Cah gabbah.
- Gwin' dahsee da Sawx.
299
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:03,096
(overlapping gibberish)
300
00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:08,018
Aah! Brian, get out of here.
Go, go, go!
301
00:12:10,789 --> 00:12:12,789
WOMAN:
Christopher
"Irish or Italian name,"
302
00:12:12,791 --> 00:12:14,791
are you causing trouble
out there?
303
00:12:14,793 --> 00:12:16,604
-No, Ma.
-Nomah?
-Nomah!
304
00:12:16,628 --> 00:12:19,321
-Nomah!
-Nomah!
-Nomah!
305
00:12:25,895 --> 00:12:27,748
What the hell happened
to the neighborhood?
306
00:12:27,772 --> 00:12:28,874
QUAGMIRE:
Hey, Stewie.
307
00:12:28,898 --> 00:12:30,749
Here comes a double scoop
of trouble.
308
00:12:30,867 --> 00:12:33,493
Whoa, you look great,
considering your age.
309
00:12:33,570 --> 00:12:34,880
Yeah, I'm basically
exactly the same,
310
00:12:34,904 --> 00:12:37,572
except I pretty much only talk
about ice cream now.
311
00:12:37,649 --> 00:12:38,815
Oh, that's cool, that's cool.
312
00:12:38,817 --> 00:12:40,759
Yeah, you know what's cool?
Ice cream.
313
00:12:40,836 --> 00:12:42,819
Want to go get a cup?
Cone? Bowl?
314
00:12:42,821 --> 00:12:44,390
I-I'm just trying
to see my folks.
315
00:12:44,414 --> 00:12:45,822
Man, I love ice cream.
316
00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:48,508
You know there's three different
ice cream shops in Quahog?
317
00:12:48,626 --> 00:12:50,472
- They're all good.
- What's your favorite?
318
00:12:50,496 --> 00:12:52,437
They're all good.
319
00:12:52,514 --> 00:12:54,606
So that's the scoop from here.
320
00:12:54,683 --> 00:12:56,924
All right, well,
good running into you, man.
321
00:12:57,002 --> 00:13:01,446
Oh, my babies,
finally all together again.
322
00:13:01,523 --> 00:13:02,597
Hello, Mother.
323
00:13:02,674 --> 00:13:04,674
I mean, uh,
damn you, vile woman.
324
00:13:04,676 --> 00:13:06,676
I must kill you,
et cetera, et cetera.
325
00:13:06,678 --> 00:13:08,954
(canned studio audience
laughter, applause)
326
00:13:09,031 --> 00:13:11,623
-Did Quagmire tell you
about the ice cream?
-Yes.
327
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:14,534
You know, there are three
ice cream parlors in town.
328
00:13:14,611 --> 00:13:16,870
- We know.
- They're all good.
329
00:13:16,946 --> 00:13:18,850
- Yes, he said that.
- They're all good.
330
00:13:18,874 --> 00:13:21,449
Have we already
run out of conversation?
331
00:13:21,527 --> 00:13:23,301
Chris, Meg, how are you?
332
00:13:23,378 --> 00:13:25,137
- Good, Ma.
- How are you?
333
00:13:25,213 --> 00:13:26,858
Oh, I can't complain.
Little hard of hearing,
334
00:13:26,882 --> 00:13:29,533
which is why I turned on
the closed captioning.
335
00:13:29,535 --> 00:13:32,144
It's about 30 seconds
behind, though.
336
00:13:33,388 --> 00:13:34,796
Wow, that is way behind.
337
00:13:34,873 --> 00:13:37,131
Now, what would you kids
like for dinner?
338
00:13:37,209 --> 00:13:41,069
- It's 3:15, Ma.
- I know, we waited for you.
339
00:13:44,883 --> 00:13:47,217
Yeah, we-we can go ahead
and turn that off.
340
00:13:47,219 --> 00:13:48,994
How's Dad?
341
00:13:51,890 --> 00:13:54,057
Your father's
had severe diabetes
342
00:13:54,059 --> 00:13:57,652
ever since they opened
three ice cream stores in town.
343
00:13:57,729 --> 00:13:59,057
(weakly):
They're all good.
344
00:13:59,081 --> 00:14:01,915
You can't live like this,
the house is falling apart.
345
00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:03,711
This is awful,
and it's all my fault.
346
00:14:03,735 --> 00:14:06,511
Oh, Pop, I am so sorry
I abandoned you all.
347
00:14:06,588 --> 00:14:08,847
I never should've left home.
What can I do?
348
00:14:08,965 --> 00:14:13,685
Just promise, when I die,
that you will help our family.
349
00:14:13,762 --> 00:14:15,670
I will, I promise.
350
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:18,840
This family will never want
for anything ever again.
351
00:14:18,917 --> 00:14:21,359
- That's so generous.
- Thank you.
352
00:14:21,478 --> 00:14:22,586
Chris, your hand.
353
00:14:22,588 --> 00:14:23,823
All right,
now that that's settled,
354
00:14:23,847 --> 00:14:26,439
let's celebrate
with some of the music of now
355
00:14:26,516 --> 00:14:28,325
with closed captioning.
356
00:14:29,519 --> 00:14:31,870
♪ Music of now, music of now ♪
357
00:14:31,947 --> 00:14:36,958
♪ Music of now, music of now,
music of now. ♪
358
00:14:44,776 --> 00:14:46,885
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker,
delivering the news
359
00:14:46,962 --> 00:14:50,388
with my Andy Rooney
end-of-life eyebrows.
360
00:14:50,465 --> 00:14:52,115
You won't hear
anything I'm saying
361
00:14:52,117 --> 00:14:53,541
because they're so distracting.
362
00:14:53,619 --> 00:14:56,228
Now, let's go to Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa,
363
00:14:56,304 --> 00:14:59,623
so we can be shocked at how well
her people age. Tricia?
364
00:14:59,625 --> 00:15:02,550
Tom, I'm standing here
with flawless skin
365
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:06,312
next to the shedding, crumbling,
dusty ancient relics
366
00:15:06,389 --> 00:15:09,390
of white people my age.
367
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,817
(sneezes)
368
00:15:10,935 --> 00:15:13,745
Oh, Stewie, you've done so much
to help our family.
369
00:15:13,864 --> 00:15:16,823
I can't believe
you put in an elevator.
370
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:19,476
Yes, and it even has
elevator music.
371
00:15:19,478 --> 00:15:22,904
♪ Music of now, music of now. ♪
372
00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:25,815
Aw, and thanks for these
virtual reality glasses,
373
00:15:25,817 --> 00:15:29,169
so I can watch porn
while talking to the family.
374
00:15:29,245 --> 00:15:32,246
So what's California
like, Stewie? Ugh.
375
00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:33,431
That was a penis.
376
00:15:33,508 --> 00:15:36,601
So, do-do you still want to know
about California?
377
00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:37,661
No, I'm done.
378
00:15:37,663 --> 00:15:41,047
I have one more dying wish.
379
00:15:41,124 --> 00:15:44,693
Play the song, but play it slow
because I am old.
380
00:15:46,004 --> 00:15:49,506
(slowed down):
♪ A-well-a everybody's heard ♪
381
00:15:49,508 --> 00:15:51,675
♪ About the bird... ♪
382
00:15:51,677 --> 00:15:54,527
Family, help me dance.
383
00:15:54,646 --> 00:15:55,787
♪ B-bird's a word ♪
384
00:15:55,864 --> 00:15:58,456
♪ A-well, a bird,
bird, bird... ♪
385
00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:00,775
- How long, Peter?
- I'll say when.
386
00:16:00,852 --> 00:16:03,461
♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird ♪
387
00:16:03,538 --> 00:16:06,298
♪ Well-a bird is a word ♪
388
00:16:06,374 --> 00:16:10,468
♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's a word ♪
389
00:16:10,587 --> 00:16:13,713
♪ A-well, a bird, bird, bird ♪
390
00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:16,099
♪ Well-a bird is a word. ♪
391
00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:21,021
(knocking on door)
392
00:16:22,374 --> 00:16:24,541
Oh, Dr. Hartman,
thank you for coming.
393
00:16:24,543 --> 00:16:26,651
Actually, I'm Dr. Hartman's son.
394
00:16:26,728 --> 00:16:29,562
Doctor Hartmanson?
But I asked for Dr. Hartman.
395
00:16:29,681 --> 00:16:31,548
His jokes are getting worse,
Doctor.
396
00:16:31,550 --> 00:16:34,475
Is there anything
you can do for him?
397
00:16:34,553 --> 00:16:37,287
Now all we can do is wait.
398
00:16:39,558 --> 00:16:41,741
Lois... it's time.
399
00:16:41,818 --> 00:16:46,046
Oh, Peter,
I'm gonna miss you so much.
400
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,674
I see a white light.
401
00:16:49,751 --> 00:16:52,344
There are others inside of it.
402
00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:55,013
Adam West, Carrie Fisher,
403
00:16:55,090 --> 00:16:56,901
Ricardo Montalbán,
Phyllis Diller...
404
00:16:56,925 --> 00:16:59,759
Heaven is filled
with every actor who ever died?
405
00:16:59,836 --> 00:17:02,595
No, this is actually
just the ones who did our show
406
00:17:02,672 --> 00:17:04,522
right before they died.
Crazy, right?
407
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:07,267
Frank Sinatra Jr.,
Charles Durning,
408
00:17:07,343 --> 00:17:09,753
Lauren Bacall,
Rodney Dangerfield,
409
00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:11,846
Roy Scheider, Waylon Jennings,
410
00:17:11,923 --> 00:17:14,724
Ed Asner by the time
this airs certainly...
411
00:17:14,726 --> 00:17:16,851
Dad, you don't have to do this,
there are too many.
412
00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:19,779
Uh-oh, Conway Twitty is here,
and he's pissed.
413
00:17:19,897 --> 00:17:21,834
Wait, he's wearing
the Darth Vader helmet.
414
00:17:21,858 --> 00:17:25,435
(chuckles) Never mind,
he was cool with it.
415
00:17:25,437 --> 00:17:28,605
(sighs) This is it.
416
00:17:28,607 --> 00:17:30,715
(shuddering breaths)
417
00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:33,218
Oh, he's trying
to say something.
418
00:17:33,336 --> 00:17:35,369
H-His final words.
419
00:17:35,447 --> 00:17:36,554
Lactating...
420
00:17:36,631 --> 00:17:39,391
pregnant... Latinas.
421
00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:43,270
(gasps) I will, Dad, I promise.
422
00:17:45,548 --> 00:17:48,275
(all crying)
423
00:17:53,982 --> 00:17:58,635
No, we won't cry for him,
we will celebrate his life.
424
00:17:58,637 --> 00:18:02,322
The finest cigars for
the finest family ever to live.
425
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:05,232
Oh, Stewie, we love you so much.
426
00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:08,661
And I love you, which is why
I must not delay any longer.
427
00:18:08,738 --> 00:18:09,923
I must get my affairs in order
428
00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:13,316
and transfer my money
to all of you.
429
00:18:13,318 --> 00:18:15,501
- I will see you all soon.
- Oh, thank you, Stewie.
430
00:18:15,620 --> 00:18:18,138
- We love you.
- Thanks.
431
00:18:30,335 --> 00:18:32,319
(all crying)
432
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:39,075
(all laughing)
433
00:18:40,403 --> 00:18:41,678
We did it. We got him.
434
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,012
I feel like we're in The Sting,
435
00:18:43,014 --> 00:18:47,367
that movie from 100 years ago
about 150 years ago.
436
00:18:47,443 --> 00:18:48,852
Great work tricking him, Brian.
437
00:18:48,854 --> 00:18:51,704
Thanks. Well, you know,
I credit my years as a writer.
438
00:18:51,781 --> 00:18:54,466
When I planned the con,
I saw Quahog as a character...
439
00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:56,176
Okay, that's enough.
440
00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:07,597
STEWIE:
Had a pebble in my shoe.
441
00:19:07,630 --> 00:19:10,297
Of course I knew
the whole thing was a scam.
442
00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:12,633
They probably did that "crying
turning into laughing" thing
443
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,802
when I left,
what a bunch of hacks.
444
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,880
They're too stupid to notice
I snuck into the kitchen
445
00:19:16,882 --> 00:19:18,973
and turned up the gas
before I left.
446
00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:23,203
Chris should be lighting
his cigar right about...
447
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,831
(grunts) Stewie, help.
448
00:19:26,950 --> 00:19:30,168
It hurts! Reverse the pill!
Let me die!
449
00:19:30,245 --> 00:19:35,415
Ooh, wish I could, but the pills
were in the house, so, yeah...
450
00:19:35,491 --> 00:19:37,417
Stewie. Stewie!
451
00:19:37,535 --> 00:19:40,512
Stewie!
Stewie!
452
00:19:40,588 --> 00:19:42,680
Stewie! Stewie!
453
00:19:42,757 --> 00:19:44,073
(stammers) Huh? What?
454
00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:45,853
What the hell is wrong with you?
You've been staring
455
00:19:45,877 --> 00:19:48,669
at that old man Halloween
costume for 30 minutes.
456
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,839
21 plus commercials,
but it's a big decision.
457
00:19:51,917 --> 00:19:54,934
You know, I've always been
afraid of being old,
458
00:19:55,011 --> 00:19:58,196
but now I think
I'll like it just fine.
459
00:20:03,486 --> 00:20:05,611
Why are you walking so slowly?
460
00:20:05,688 --> 00:20:08,522
Turns out this costume
is about 80% balls,
461
00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:12,435
and most of it's
dragging behind me.
462
00:20:12,437 --> 00:20:13,603
(squeaking sound)
463
00:20:13,605 --> 00:20:16,030
- Uhp, we got a tangle.
- Uhp, what do I do?
464
00:20:16,107 --> 00:20:17,342
Stop walking.
I'll go back, you go forward.
465
00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:18,677
- Are you sure?
- It's counterintuitive.
466
00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,777
I don't know, that-that
doesn't seem right to me.
467
00:20:20,779 --> 00:20:22,703
-When you want to go left,
you go right.
-I'm just gonna pull forward.
468
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,017
- Don't pull, don't pull.
- I-I think if you come this way,
469
00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:28,112
-and I go that way...
-Just stop walking and listen
to me. Everybody freeze.
470
00:20:28,136 --> 00:20:30,311
Okay, let's just
think about this.
471
00:20:33,458 --> 00:20:34,458
(crowd cheering)
472
00:20:36,385 --> 00:20:38,719
People of Argentina,
473
00:20:38,797 --> 00:20:40,405
I have heard your cries,
474
00:20:40,523 --> 00:20:42,498
and I just want to say...
475
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,633
Meg. Meg!
476
00:20:43,635 --> 00:20:45,726
I already told you
you're not gonna be Evita.
477
00:20:45,804 --> 00:20:48,638
You're gonna be the back half
of Edgar the Farting Horse.
478
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,249
Now get in.
479
00:20:53,645 --> 00:20:54,660
(loud fart)
480
00:20:54,737 --> 00:20:57,255
PETER:
Hey. I do the farting.
35413
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