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Man: Silence, please!
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00:00:58,128 --> 00:01:00,390
Woman:
Take care, sir.
3
00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:44,310
Joe:
My dog is an Alsatian bitch.
4
00:02:44,354 --> 00:02:46,616
Her name is Tulip.
5
00:02:46,654 --> 00:02:49,518
I've never owned a dog
before her.
6
00:02:49,554 --> 00:02:52,713
Alsatians have a bad reputation.
7
00:02:52,754 --> 00:02:55,654
They are said to bite the hand
that feeds them.
8
00:02:55,690 --> 00:03:00,119
Indeed, Tulip bit my hand once,
but accidentally.
9
00:03:00,153 --> 00:03:01,779
She mistook it
for a rotten apple
10
00:03:01,819 --> 00:03:04,340
we were both trying to grab
simultaneously.
11
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:08,785
One of her canines sank
into my thumb joint to the bone.
12
00:03:08,819 --> 00:03:10,308
Oh, well.
We... we all make mistakes.
13
00:03:10,353 --> 00:03:13,216
And she was dreadfully sorry.
14
00:03:13,252 --> 00:03:15,810
She rolled over
with all her legs in the air,
15
00:03:15,853 --> 00:03:19,148
and, later on, when she saw
the bandage on my hand,
16
00:03:19,185 --> 00:03:20,650
she put herself in the corner,
17
00:03:20,685 --> 00:03:22,707
the darkest corner
of the bedroom,
18
00:03:22,751 --> 00:03:24,947
and stayed there
for the rest of the afternoon.
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00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:27,473
She could hardly do more
by way of apology,
20
00:03:27,518 --> 00:03:30,177
for she'd become
so hysterically excited
21
00:03:30,218 --> 00:03:32,742
at the mere hint
of being taken out for a walk
22
00:03:32,786 --> 00:03:35,808
that she rushes into the kitchen
to grab the vegetables
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00:03:35,852 --> 00:03:38,146
and scatters them
all about the corridor
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00:03:38,183 --> 00:03:40,012
as if they were rose petals,
25
00:03:40,050 --> 00:03:43,779
marking her ascension
to heaven.
26
00:03:43,818 --> 00:03:48,614
It seems to me
both touching and strange
27
00:03:48,651 --> 00:03:51,878
that she should find the world
so wonderful.
28
00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:59,840
# Piddle, piddle,
seal, and sign #
29
00:03:59,882 --> 00:04:02,213
# I'll smell your ass #
30
00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:04,738
# you smell mine #
31
00:04:04,783 --> 00:04:09,544
# human beings
are prudes and bores #
32
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:12,072
# you smell my arse #
33
00:04:12,117 --> 00:04:14,082
# I'll smell yours #
34
00:04:16,182 --> 00:04:20,582
Choir: # human beings
are prudes and bores #
35
00:04:20,617 --> 00:04:22,944
# you smell my arse #
36
00:04:22,981 --> 00:04:28,645
# I smell yours #
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00:04:32,116 --> 00:04:34,707
Joe:
When children are difficult,
38
00:04:34,748 --> 00:04:38,306
the cause is often traced
to their home.
39
00:04:38,348 --> 00:04:41,009
And it was upon Tulip's
first home
40
00:04:41,050 --> 00:04:44,104
that I blamed
her unsociable conduct.
41
00:04:50,847 --> 00:04:54,040
She had originally belonged
to some working-class people
42
00:04:54,079 --> 00:04:56,808
who, though fond of her
in their way,
43
00:04:56,848 --> 00:04:58,281
seldom took her out.
44
00:04:58,316 --> 00:04:59,574
She was too excitable.
45
00:04:59,613 --> 00:05:02,341
For nearly a year,
she scarcely left the house,
46
00:05:02,382 --> 00:05:06,677
but spent her time mostly alone
in a tiny backyard
47
00:05:06,714 --> 00:05:08,974
while they were at work all day.
48
00:05:09,013 --> 00:05:10,739
She could hardly be expected,
therefore,
49
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:14,506
to learn the ways of a world
she so rarely visited.
50
00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:17,770
The only training
she ever received
51
00:05:17,811 --> 00:05:20,471
was an occasional thrashing
for the destruction
52
00:05:20,512 --> 00:05:23,442
which her owners discovered
when they returned home.
53
00:05:28,778 --> 00:05:33,678
Alsatians, in particular,
do not take kindly to beatings.
54
00:05:33,713 --> 00:05:36,109
They're too intelligent
and too nervous.
55
00:05:41,276 --> 00:05:43,210
It was from this life,
56
00:05:43,245 --> 00:05:45,505
when she was 18 months old,
that I rescued her,
57
00:05:45,543 --> 00:05:48,772
and to it that I attributed
58
00:05:48,811 --> 00:05:51,867
the disturbances of her psyche.
59
00:05:51,910 --> 00:05:55,535
Thereafter it was clear that
if she could have had her way,
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00:05:55,577 --> 00:05:59,303
she would never let me
out of her sight again.
61
00:07:50,238 --> 00:07:52,361
While I was extremely grateful
62
00:07:52,403 --> 00:07:55,563
to the gallant stranger
who had come to my rescue,
63
00:07:55,603 --> 00:07:57,331
Tulip's subsequent behavior
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00:07:57,371 --> 00:08:00,631
may have caused him
to regret his kindness.
65
00:08:00,669 --> 00:08:04,569
The journey home
was, however, mercifully short,
66
00:08:04,604 --> 00:08:08,161
and I held high expectations
of a less-fraught stroll
67
00:08:08,204 --> 00:08:12,193
along the towpath of the thames
to my flat in putney.
68
00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:26,634
She was so unused to
being out in the world
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00:08:26,669 --> 00:08:28,098
that she could not differentiate
70
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:31,330
between the swollen river
lapping the towpath
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00:08:31,370 --> 00:08:32,960
and a mere puddle.
72
00:08:33,003 --> 00:08:36,162
She rushed into it
and immediately sank.
73
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:41,490
I hastened to her rescue,
74
00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:43,864
but I could scarcely
help laughing
75
00:08:43,901 --> 00:08:46,490
at the sight of her
when I heaved her out.
76
00:08:46,532 --> 00:08:49,763
She was less amused than i.
77
00:08:49,803 --> 00:08:51,526
This unexpected immersion
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00:08:51,566 --> 00:08:54,033
had one useful consequence,
however.
79
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:57,361
The coal dust in the yard
in which she had been confined
80
00:08:57,399 --> 00:08:59,230
by her former owners
81
00:08:59,267 --> 00:09:01,959
was washed clean away.
82
00:09:03,232 --> 00:09:06,562
And so it was
that this beautiful creature
83
00:09:06,599 --> 00:09:10,156
came into my life
and transformed it.
84
00:09:10,199 --> 00:09:13,632
By the end
of that eventful first day,
85
00:09:13,666 --> 00:09:16,961
she, too, had undergone
a metamorphosis,
86
00:09:16,999 --> 00:09:19,899
from beggar maid to princess.
87
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,422
And it was i,
88
00:09:21,466 --> 00:09:24,953
the somewhat shabby hero
of my own storybook,
89
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:28,362
who had rescued her
and won her heart.
90
00:09:35,599 --> 00:09:38,427
In the journal
of general Bertrand,
91
00:09:38,464 --> 00:09:40,397
Napoleon's grand marshal,
92
00:09:40,431 --> 00:09:42,862
this entry occurs...
93
00:09:42,897 --> 00:09:45,728
"1821, april 12.
94
00:09:45,765 --> 00:09:51,093
At 10:30, the emperor passed
a large and well-formed motion."
95
00:09:52,698 --> 00:09:55,390
I sympathize with the general.
96
00:09:56,897 --> 00:10:02,155
However, Tulip's bowel movements
caused me even greater concern
97
00:10:02,194 --> 00:10:06,563
since she has
two small canine anal glands
98
00:10:06,598 --> 00:10:09,586
which Napoleon did not have.
99
00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:12,891
Therefore, hers required
twofold the supervision.
100
00:10:15,796 --> 00:10:18,852
These canine glands
produce a secretion
101
00:10:18,895 --> 00:10:23,352
which is periodically released
by the passage of a...
102
00:10:23,397 --> 00:10:26,156
general bertrand-pleasing form.
103
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:31,286
If, however,
a dog is continually...
104
00:10:31,328 --> 00:10:34,294
...loose in the bowels,
105
00:10:34,328 --> 00:10:36,793
the glands become congested
106
00:10:36,828 --> 00:10:38,761
and can form abscesses.
107
00:10:38,794 --> 00:10:41,421
It was a misty
september morning,
108
00:10:41,463 --> 00:10:44,859
and I had taken Tulip out
to relieve herself,
109
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:47,324
which she was peacefully doing.
110
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:51,452
It always pleases me to see her
perform this physical act.
111
00:10:51,494 --> 00:10:55,426
Her ears lie back,
her head cranes forward,
112
00:10:55,461 --> 00:10:59,018
and a mild, meditative look
settles on her face.
113
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,548
While we were
thus harmlessly engaged,
114
00:11:01,592 --> 00:11:05,355
a cyclist shot around the corner
towards us.
115
00:11:05,391 --> 00:11:07,619
Since Tulip
was safely on the pavement,
116
00:11:07,658 --> 00:11:10,148
I would not have noticed
this person at all
117
00:11:10,194 --> 00:11:12,987
if he had not addressed me
as he flew past.
118
00:11:13,025 --> 00:11:17,186
Try taking your dog
off the pavement to mess!
119
00:11:17,225 --> 00:11:19,215
One should not lose
one's temper,
120
00:11:19,259 --> 00:11:21,247
but the remark stung me.
121
00:11:21,292 --> 00:11:23,984
Joe:"what?
To be run over by you?
122
00:11:24,024 --> 00:11:26,014
Well, try minding
your own business!"
123
00:11:26,058 --> 00:11:27,583
I am and all!
124
00:11:27,627 --> 00:11:29,318
He bawled
over his shoulder.
125
00:11:29,359 --> 00:11:31,654
What's the
bleeding street for?!
126
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:35,086
"For turds like you!"
I retorted.
127
00:11:35,122 --> 00:11:38,488
"Bleeding dogs!" he screamed.
"Assholes!" I replied.
128
00:11:38,524 --> 00:11:40,581
There was no more
to be said.
129
00:11:40,624 --> 00:11:42,249
I had had the last word.
130
00:11:44,322 --> 00:11:49,382
Nevertheless, I am able to see
other people's points of view.
131
00:11:49,424 --> 00:11:51,083
I know a few things
132
00:11:51,124 --> 00:11:54,386
upon which it is a positive
pleasure to tread.
133
00:11:54,424 --> 00:11:56,391
Whenever I take Tulip out,
therefore,
134
00:11:56,425 --> 00:11:59,253
I offer her
the opportunity to drop twigs
135
00:11:59,290 --> 00:12:01,256
where there are trees.
136
00:12:01,290 --> 00:12:05,155
Here, amid the flotsam
and jetsam of french letters
137
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:08,588
and the swollen bodies
of drowned cats, dogs, and birds
138
00:12:08,623 --> 00:12:10,178
left by the tide,
139
00:12:10,222 --> 00:12:13,849
she is often moved
to open her bowels.
140
00:12:14,991 --> 00:12:20,749
If not, we pass on to another
species of refuse dump.
141
00:12:20,786 --> 00:12:24,347
The dead are less particular
and more charitable
142
00:12:24,388 --> 00:12:25,787
than the living.
143
00:12:25,823 --> 00:12:27,754
It is a charming
little cemetery.
144
00:12:29,020 --> 00:12:32,852
To what better use
could such a place be put?
145
00:12:32,888 --> 00:12:34,877
And are not its ghosts gladdened
146
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,785
that so beautiful
a young creature as Tulip
147
00:12:37,821 --> 00:12:40,479
should come here for her needs,
148
00:12:40,519 --> 00:12:42,181
whatever they may be?
149
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:48,281
Tulip sometimes
embarrasses me, too.
150
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,909
She delivered herself once
151
00:12:49,953 --> 00:12:52,385
in front
of a greengrocer's shop...
152
00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:55,816
and this on the way home from
a long walk on putney common,
153
00:12:55,852 --> 00:12:57,285
where she had already left
154
00:12:57,319 --> 00:13:00,083
as much as I supposed her
to contain.
155
00:13:00,122 --> 00:13:02,086
I knew the grocer and his wife
156
00:13:02,119 --> 00:13:05,052
were a surly,
disobliging couple.
157
00:13:05,087 --> 00:13:07,277
Hoping that they would not
observe Tulip,
158
00:13:07,318 --> 00:13:11,082
I hastened by, hissing at her
to"hurry up for god's sake!"
159
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,245
As I passed.
160
00:13:12,287 --> 00:13:13,547
I glanced back,
161
00:13:13,586 --> 00:13:16,311
intending to disown her
if she had been observed.
162
00:13:16,351 --> 00:13:19,319
Tulip had just finished
and was following me.
163
00:13:19,353 --> 00:13:20,783
But at that very instant,
164
00:13:20,818 --> 00:13:24,806
the man and his wife flew
angrily out and caught my eye.
165
00:13:24,850 --> 00:13:27,216
Useless now
to pretend ignorance.
166
00:13:27,252 --> 00:13:29,150
Yet I continued on my way.
167
00:13:29,186 --> 00:13:31,173
They hurled insults after me.
168
00:13:31,217 --> 00:13:32,946
Woman: Here! Mister!
169
00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:36,245
Look what your bleeding dog's
gone and done!
170
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:38,683
Then my conscience smote me.
171
00:13:38,717 --> 00:13:40,979
True, they were horrid people,
172
00:13:41,017 --> 00:13:44,209
but Tulip's gift would not help
to uplift their hearts
173
00:13:44,249 --> 00:13:46,184
to a sweeter view of life.
174
00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:48,513
As soon as this noble thought
occurred to me,
175
00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:50,642
I retraced my steps.
176
00:13:50,684 --> 00:13:54,136
"I'm sorry about my dog,"
I said.
177
00:13:54,182 --> 00:13:56,151
"But if you give me
some newspaper
178
00:13:56,185 --> 00:13:58,481
"or a bucket of water
and a brush,
179
00:13:58,518 --> 00:14:01,210
I'll clear it up for you."
180
00:14:12,014 --> 00:14:15,280
It took me some time
to swab it up,
181
00:14:15,317 --> 00:14:17,577
but I was thorough.
182
00:14:35,481 --> 00:14:39,774
"Well that's done,"
I said cheerfully.
183
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:44,747
It was now her turn
to pretend not to catch my eye.
184
00:14:44,781 --> 00:14:48,905
"You could say 'thank you,"'
I added mildly.
185
00:14:48,947 --> 00:14:50,936
Why should i?!
186
00:14:50,981 --> 00:14:54,709
She retorted, with a brief,
contemptuous look.
187
00:14:54,747 --> 00:14:57,009
Standing there
with my hands full,
188
00:14:57,047 --> 00:15:01,104
I had an impulse to drop it all
back on the pavement.
189
00:15:02,282 --> 00:15:03,802
Women are dangerous,
190
00:15:03,846 --> 00:15:06,404
and I feared now
that Tulip's death cries
191
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,707
as she went under a bus
192
00:15:07,746 --> 00:15:10,076
while dodging
some vegetable missile
193
00:15:10,113 --> 00:15:12,203
would sound like music
to this one.
194
00:15:14,279 --> 00:15:16,971
I restrained myself.
195
00:15:22,045 --> 00:15:23,840
For as long as I could remember,
196
00:15:23,877 --> 00:15:26,899
I had been searching
for an ideal friend.
197
00:15:26,943 --> 00:15:28,342
But I have never really found
198
00:15:28,378 --> 00:15:32,174
the person who fitted
my exacting requirements.
199
00:15:32,211 --> 00:15:34,040
There was always some flaw...
200
00:15:34,079 --> 00:15:36,702
too tall, too short...
201
00:15:36,743 --> 00:15:39,006
too outgoing, too shy...
202
00:15:39,044 --> 00:15:43,136
too insecure, too independent.
203
00:15:43,178 --> 00:15:44,540
As the years passed
204
00:15:44,576 --> 00:15:46,976
and the opportunities
grew fewer,
205
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:51,272
I had a mental image of the
ideal friend as a plain jug,
206
00:15:51,310 --> 00:15:52,936
containing a delightful mlx
207
00:15:52,978 --> 00:15:56,535
of good companionship
and intellectual stimulation,
208
00:15:56,577 --> 00:15:58,906
the shape, age, and size
of which
209
00:15:58,942 --> 00:16:03,169
no longer
had any importance for me.
210
00:16:03,208 --> 00:16:04,504
I still felt
211
00:16:04,542 --> 00:16:07,009
that if I only turned
this corner instead of that
212
00:16:07,043 --> 00:16:09,838
or boarded this bus
rather than that one,
213
00:16:09,876 --> 00:16:12,806
I would find the ideal friend
waiting for me
214
00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:15,605
and that we would recognize
each other at once
215
00:16:15,644 --> 00:16:19,006
after the exchange
of a few words.
216
00:16:19,042 --> 00:16:23,030
Ah, and a further complication
was that I did not want anyone
217
00:16:23,074 --> 00:16:25,269
to think
that I was pursuing them.
218
00:16:25,309 --> 00:16:26,773
It was therefore necessary
219
00:16:26,807 --> 00:16:30,671
to encounter the ideal friend
face-to-face,
220
00:16:30,707 --> 00:16:32,037
which is not easy
221
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:36,336
if you happen both to be moving
in the same direction.
222
00:16:38,741 --> 00:16:42,332
It was with a measure
of naivet� in dog affairs
223
00:16:42,374 --> 00:16:45,169
that my first consultation
with a vet
224
00:16:45,207 --> 00:16:48,297
was to inquire
whether she was in heat.
225
00:16:49,906 --> 00:16:53,137
The question was never settled,
that is to say by him.
226
00:16:53,176 --> 00:16:55,901
All he said
in a cold voice was...
227
00:16:55,939 --> 00:16:57,905
have you no control
over your dog?
228
00:16:57,940 --> 00:16:59,631
In the face of the evidence,
229
00:16:59,671 --> 00:17:02,232
it was idle
to say anything but"no,"
230
00:17:02,274 --> 00:17:04,206
to which,
still keeping his distance,
231
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,137
he dryly replied...
232
00:17:06,173 --> 00:17:09,626
then take her out
of my surgery at once.
233
00:17:12,306 --> 00:17:15,601
Another vet
had been recommended to me.
234
00:17:15,639 --> 00:17:18,229
He was an ex-army man, a major.
235
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,398
Tulip!
236
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,066
Just have to
take them like...
237
00:17:21,107 --> 00:17:23,798
having failed as I had failed
to shout her down,
238
00:17:23,837 --> 00:17:27,270
the major swooped upon her,
yelping...
239
00:17:27,304 --> 00:17:29,498
these Alsatians,
they're all the same!
240
00:17:29,539 --> 00:17:33,834
...and beat her about the body
with his bare hands.
241
00:17:33,871 --> 00:17:36,803
These dashing military tactics
242
00:17:36,838 --> 00:17:39,101
did not enable him
to examine her,
243
00:17:39,139 --> 00:17:42,001
if that was part of his plan.
244
00:17:42,036 --> 00:17:44,662
As I walked away
from this establishment,
245
00:17:44,704 --> 00:17:49,160
I supposed myself to be in the
position of an undoctorable dog.
246
00:17:49,204 --> 00:17:50,932
And this gloomy reflection
247
00:17:50,972 --> 00:17:53,732
was succeeded by another,
which was...
248
00:17:53,770 --> 00:17:56,166
"if all Alsatians are the same,
249
00:17:56,202 --> 00:17:59,895
did any of them ever
receive medical attention?"
250
00:17:59,936 --> 00:18:02,095
It transpired that they did,
251
00:18:02,136 --> 00:18:04,657
this time
for a most important service...
252
00:18:04,702 --> 00:18:07,432
to have her inoculated
against distemper.
253
00:18:10,235 --> 00:18:12,531
I had made the appointment
by telephone
254
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:16,865
and had thought it politic to
apologize for Tulip in advance.
255
00:18:24,869 --> 00:18:26,596
The first sight that greeted us
256
00:18:26,636 --> 00:18:29,124
before we ever reached
the surgery door...
257
00:18:29,169 --> 00:18:30,465
for its window looked out
258
00:18:30,502 --> 00:18:32,726
upon the yard
through which we passed...
259
00:18:32,766 --> 00:18:36,598
was a spaniel,
all too plainly seen within,
260
00:18:36,634 --> 00:18:41,067
absolutely motionless and
with an air of deep absorption.
261
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:44,363
The dog was standing
upon the table in an empty room
262
00:18:44,401 --> 00:18:48,924
with a thermometer sticking out
of its bottom, like a cigarette.
263
00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:52,492
It was almost as though
he'd put it there himself.
264
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:54,898
Oh, Tulip.
265
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,797
If only you
were like that.
266
00:18:57,833 --> 00:18:59,163
But she was not.
267
00:19:03,034 --> 00:19:06,089
Can you turn her back to me
and hold her head still?
268
00:19:06,132 --> 00:19:07,928
I think so.
Good.
269
00:19:07,966 --> 00:19:09,090
Now just keep her head
like that.
270
00:19:09,130 --> 00:19:12,361
Uh, may I give her
the injection myself?
271
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:14,887
You could show me where
to do it, and she wouldn't
mind it from me.
272
00:19:14,932 --> 00:19:16,454
Oh, I say, don't hurt her.
273
00:19:16,499 --> 00:19:18,054
There's really no need.
274
00:19:21,466 --> 00:19:25,453
After this,
Tulip would not, could not
275
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,124
even enter the streets
276
00:19:27,164 --> 00:19:32,324
in which her last two
experiences had taken place.
277
00:19:34,098 --> 00:19:36,325
I would suddenly miss her
from my side
278
00:19:36,364 --> 00:19:40,491
and, looking wildly around,
espy her far behind me.
279
00:19:40,532 --> 00:19:43,621
There was no getting away
from her face.
280
00:19:43,663 --> 00:19:47,357
It said both,"what?"
And,"what?!"
281
00:19:47,397 --> 00:19:50,556
I then noticed that in spite of
the nourishing food I provided,
282
00:19:50,596 --> 00:19:52,994
Tulip looked too thin.
283
00:19:53,030 --> 00:19:55,017
The distressing word"worms"
284
00:19:55,062 --> 00:19:58,657
was dropped into my ear
by a passing stranger,
285
00:19:58,699 --> 00:20:01,255
and soon after,
I decided to take her along
286
00:20:01,297 --> 00:20:04,591
to miss, um, uh, Canvenini
or something like that,
287
00:20:04,696 --> 00:20:09,061
which was the name of the lady
vet that she kindly gave me.
288
00:20:14,261 --> 00:20:17,252
Miss, uh, Canvenini
stood quietly in front of us,
289
00:20:17,296 --> 00:20:20,489
looking down at Tulip while
I stumbled through some account
290
00:20:20,529 --> 00:20:22,721
of her past and present
troubles.
291
00:20:22,761 --> 00:20:24,385
Then she asked...
292
00:20:24,428 --> 00:20:26,089
what's her name?
293
00:20:26,129 --> 00:20:27,788
I told her.
294
00:20:27,829 --> 00:20:31,920
Well, Tulip,
you're a noisy girl, aren't you?
295
00:20:31,962 --> 00:20:34,391
What is it all about?
296
00:20:34,427 --> 00:20:37,394
Oh, how maddening,
how intolerable it was!
297
00:20:37,427 --> 00:20:41,019
I found myself
suddenly yelling...
298
00:20:41,060 --> 00:20:43,789
stop it, you brute!
299
00:20:45,196 --> 00:20:46,455
I biffed her nose.
300
00:20:47,493 --> 00:20:49,356
The blow was harder
than I intended.
301
00:20:50,825 --> 00:20:52,814
I see.
302
00:20:52,858 --> 00:20:54,417
Just slip the lead
through her collar.
303
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:56,518
I'll examine her
in another room.
304
00:20:56,561 --> 00:20:58,321
A-are you sure
it'll be all right?
305
00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:00,382
Perfectly all right.
306
00:21:44,090 --> 00:21:46,521
No signs of worms.
307
00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:49,023
She is in excellent
condition.
308
00:21:49,057 --> 00:21:50,683
Uh...
how did she behave?
309
00:21:50,724 --> 00:21:52,314
Good as gold.
310
00:21:52,358 --> 00:21:54,448
Did you tie her nose?
311
00:21:54,490 --> 00:21:55,648
Heavens, no!
312
00:21:55,690 --> 00:21:59,283
I never do that.
I knew she would be no trouble.
313
00:21:59,325 --> 00:22:00,482
How?
314
00:22:00,523 --> 00:22:03,284
Well, you learn by experience,
I suppose.
315
00:22:03,324 --> 00:22:05,845
But it isn't difficult
to tell a dog's character
316
00:22:05,889 --> 00:22:07,217
from its face.
317
00:22:07,254 --> 00:22:10,154
Tulip's a good girl.
I saw that at once.
318
00:22:10,189 --> 00:22:12,451
You are the trouble.
319
00:22:12,489 --> 00:22:14,147
I sat down.
320
00:22:14,188 --> 00:22:15,654
She is in love with you,
321
00:22:15,689 --> 00:22:18,179
so life is full of worries
for her.
322
00:22:18,223 --> 00:22:20,744
In order to protect you,
she wants to be free.
323
00:22:20,788 --> 00:22:21,812
Mm.
324
00:22:21,855 --> 00:22:24,149
So she doesn't like
people touching her.
325
00:22:24,187 --> 00:22:25,481
But when you're not there,
326
00:22:25,519 --> 00:22:27,216
there is nothing
for her to do.
327
00:22:27,256 --> 00:22:29,779
Speak to her quietly.
Mm.
328
00:22:29,823 --> 00:22:33,446
In time,
she'll do anything for you.
329
00:22:35,455 --> 00:22:37,977
Excuse me. Has, uh...
330
00:22:38,021 --> 00:22:42,348
has she...
uh, um, um, miss canveninl...
331
00:22:42,385 --> 00:22:45,081
has she ever been bitten?
332
00:22:45,121 --> 00:22:47,642
Sublime woman.
333
00:22:52,819 --> 00:22:57,548
My sister, Nancy,
who had no flxed abode,
334
00:22:57,586 --> 00:23:00,245
became aware that I had been
looking in vain
335
00:23:00,286 --> 00:23:04,482
for someone to become
Tulip's escort and caretaker,
336
00:23:04,522 --> 00:23:07,314
as my office responsibilities
on most mornings
337
00:23:07,352 --> 00:23:08,978
required me to abandon her
338
00:23:09,019 --> 00:23:13,109
to long periods
of loneliness and boredom.
339
00:23:13,151 --> 00:23:16,880
From the outset,
Tulip made it very clear
340
00:23:16,918 --> 00:23:21,373
that she, not Nancy,
was mistress of the house
341
00:23:21,418 --> 00:23:23,816
and had every intention
of maintaining this position.
342
00:23:25,252 --> 00:23:28,875
I had naturally been worried
that Nancy, once installed,
343
00:23:28,916 --> 00:23:32,851
would attempt to invade
what remained of my privacy,
344
00:23:32,886 --> 00:23:35,817
but Tulip defended our territory
rather well.
345
00:23:41,484 --> 00:23:43,642
The room Tulip and I occupied
346
00:23:43,684 --> 00:23:46,377
was to remain
strictly out of bounds,
347
00:23:46,417 --> 00:23:49,646
and any attempt by Nancy
even to approach it,
348
00:23:49,685 --> 00:23:52,479
let alone knock at the door
or enter,
349
00:23:52,517 --> 00:23:56,312
was greeted by a prolonged
outburst of ferocious barking.
350
00:24:33,813 --> 00:24:35,506
No more was needed.
351
00:24:35,547 --> 00:24:38,344
Nancy would not advance
another step,
352
00:24:38,382 --> 00:24:41,710
but would call out to ask
some pointless question.
353
00:24:41,747 --> 00:24:45,735
Nancy: Joe, shall I put
the kettle on?
354
00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:48,043
Joe?
355
00:24:48,081 --> 00:24:49,602
Are you in there?
356
00:24:51,048 --> 00:24:53,376
I thought I might
go up to the west end
357
00:24:53,413 --> 00:24:54,639
to look at the shops,
358
00:24:54,681 --> 00:24:58,736
but if it's going to rain,
then I don't suppose I will.
359
00:24:58,780 --> 00:25:00,905
Joe?
360
00:25:00,947 --> 00:25:02,342
Days passed,
361
00:25:02,377 --> 00:25:06,143
and my sister's mind got busy,
as I guessed it would,
362
00:25:06,181 --> 00:25:10,339
with the problem
of obstructing my wishes.
363
00:25:40,311 --> 00:25:42,209
You know,
she's a quite different dog
364
00:25:42,244 --> 00:25:43,539
when you're not here.
365
00:25:43,576 --> 00:25:46,508
She's quiet, she's obedient,
she does everything I tell her.
366
00:25:46,543 --> 00:25:48,508
And there's none
of that terrible fuss
367
00:25:48,542 --> 00:25:51,670
about me going
into your room...
368
00:25:51,712 --> 00:25:54,141
when you're not in there.
369
00:25:54,176 --> 00:25:57,403
I should, of course, say
how grateful I was to Nancy,
370
00:25:57,442 --> 00:25:58,806
in spite of everything.
371
00:25:58,842 --> 00:26:01,968
I could not imagine anyone
filling this role better.
372
00:26:02,010 --> 00:26:05,372
But that role was not quite
the one Nancy had envisaged
373
00:26:05,408 --> 00:26:07,068
when she came to live with us.
374
00:26:07,107 --> 00:26:09,234
She saw herself
as a member of the household.
375
00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:10,709
Nancy:
Joe?
376
00:26:10,742 --> 00:26:13,731
I saw her
as a dependable kennel maid.
377
00:26:22,709 --> 00:26:24,265
While I was at the office,
378
00:26:24,309 --> 00:26:27,866
Nancy attempted to seduce Tulip
away from me,
379
00:26:27,908 --> 00:26:30,770
and I thought,
at one awful moment,
380
00:26:30,806 --> 00:26:33,797
that she had almost succeeded.
381
00:26:36,439 --> 00:26:40,736
I awoke in a panic to find
that Tulip was not asleep
382
00:26:40,774 --> 00:26:43,332
in her usual chair in our room,
383
00:26:43,374 --> 00:26:45,396
and the dreadful thought
struck me
384
00:26:45,441 --> 00:26:48,530
that she had decided
to spend the night with Nancy.
385
00:26:48,572 --> 00:26:50,765
The idea that
she could have rejected me
386
00:26:50,806 --> 00:26:52,363
in favor of my sister
387
00:26:52,407 --> 00:26:54,998
was almost too much to bear,
388
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,974
and I sank back into my pillow,
389
00:26:57,008 --> 00:27:00,097
thinking that our life
of companionship was over
390
00:27:00,140 --> 00:27:02,105
and that I was once more alone
in the world.
391
00:27:02,139 --> 00:27:06,130
And then I heard
a faint, familiar noise...
392
00:27:06,174 --> 00:27:08,196
the soft, melancholy noise
393
00:27:08,241 --> 00:27:10,831
that Tulip makes
when she's unhappy.
394
00:27:31,737 --> 00:27:34,431
She had been lured
into my sister's room
395
00:27:34,471 --> 00:27:37,095
and kept there against her will,
396
00:27:37,137 --> 00:27:40,499
and she immediately followed me
back to my own room.
397
00:27:42,171 --> 00:27:46,728
She remained
what she always was...
398
00:27:46,770 --> 00:27:48,828
my dog.
399
00:27:48,870 --> 00:27:51,267
I should never have doubted her.
400
00:27:51,303 --> 00:27:54,294
But now that I had been
proved wrong,
401
00:27:54,338 --> 00:27:59,995
I was able to fall contentedly
into a deep and restful sleep.
402
00:28:18,335 --> 00:28:21,926
I was not to have any rest
from Nancy, however.
403
00:28:21,968 --> 00:28:25,332
Having failed
to win Tulip over to her side,
404
00:28:25,368 --> 00:28:28,356
she was prepared to carry on
this battle to the end,
405
00:28:28,402 --> 00:28:30,493
however gory that might be.
406
00:28:34,567 --> 00:28:38,192
Nancy had, of course,
relied upon my inability
407
00:28:38,233 --> 00:28:42,599
to stand by and watch her being
savaged without intervening.
408
00:28:42,634 --> 00:28:45,655
She must therefore have taken
a quiet satisfaction
409
00:28:45,699 --> 00:28:48,166
in seeing me beat off my dog,
410
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:52,359
even though every blow
fell unwillingly.
411
00:29:01,899 --> 00:29:03,887
Tulip! Down!
412
00:29:03,932 --> 00:29:05,796
Stop this nonsense, Tulip!
413
00:29:05,832 --> 00:29:07,059
Tulip!
414
00:29:08,798 --> 00:29:10,287
Down! Stay, Tulip!
415
00:29:17,465 --> 00:29:19,896
I hardly remember for how long
416
00:29:19,933 --> 00:29:24,090
these two formidable females
tussled for my custody.
417
00:29:24,131 --> 00:29:27,587
It was certainly
more than a year.
418
00:29:27,632 --> 00:29:28,858
And it was rather...
419
00:29:30,631 --> 00:29:32,186
...distracting.
420
00:29:39,464 --> 00:29:41,587
Alas, very few of my friends
421
00:29:41,629 --> 00:29:43,493
ask me to stay with them
anymore.
422
00:29:46,030 --> 00:29:47,792
Those who have no pets
of their own
423
00:29:47,830 --> 00:29:51,419
are a little forgetful
about inviting Tulip...
424
00:29:51,461 --> 00:29:53,052
twice.
425
00:29:53,095 --> 00:29:55,584
People seem to take exception
to being assaulted
426
00:29:55,629 --> 00:29:59,923
whenever they cross their legs
in their own sitting rooms.
427
00:30:02,397 --> 00:30:05,953
One of the last hosts to invite
us down to his country home
428
00:30:05,996 --> 00:30:07,984
was a captain pugh,
429
00:30:08,029 --> 00:30:12,190
who had served with me in france
in the 1914 war.
430
00:30:15,296 --> 00:30:18,284
I had seen nothing of him
for a great many years,
431
00:30:18,328 --> 00:30:20,295
and then he suddenly
turned up again.
432
00:30:20,329 --> 00:30:23,157
He said he was farming in kent
433
00:30:23,193 --> 00:30:27,921
and gave me orders
to come down and stay.
434
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,258
He agreeably added Tulip
to the invitation,
435
00:30:31,296 --> 00:30:36,124
and so we traveled down into
kent together that very month.
436
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,088
Actually, I remembered
very little about my host,
437
00:30:40,128 --> 00:30:42,150
except that he had been
an officer
438
00:30:42,193 --> 00:30:46,283
who had managed to combine
great courage and efficiency
439
00:30:46,325 --> 00:30:50,520
with a marked habit
of indolence.
440
00:30:50,559 --> 00:30:52,549
Uh, whenever, for instance,
441
00:30:52,593 --> 00:30:54,388
he had wanted
his servant or his orderly,
442
00:30:54,426 --> 00:30:57,051
it had been his custom
to fire his revolver
443
00:30:57,092 --> 00:30:59,490
one shot for the servant,
two for the orderly
444
00:30:59,526 --> 00:31:02,049
to save himself
the exertion of shouting.
445
00:31:02,093 --> 00:31:05,217
Strange fellow, what.
446
00:31:26,858 --> 00:31:28,221
An odd figure...
447
00:31:28,257 --> 00:31:31,450
and, as I was to discover,
set in his ways.
448
00:31:31,490 --> 00:31:34,980
His whims were, indeed, to
contribute to the misfortunes
449
00:31:35,025 --> 00:31:37,854
that befell us beneath his roof.
450
00:32:26,087 --> 00:32:28,915
Pugh: Now, I hope
Tulip won't go after them.
451
00:32:28,952 --> 00:32:31,887
They're laying rather well
at present.
452
00:32:31,922 --> 00:32:33,889
I hoped not, too.
453
00:32:33,923 --> 00:32:36,820
He may have been hinting that
I should put Tulip on a lead,
454
00:32:36,855 --> 00:32:39,547
but how can one gauge
the intelligence of one's animal
455
00:32:39,588 --> 00:32:42,677
if one never affords it
the chance to display any?
456
00:32:45,354 --> 00:32:47,146
Tulip!
457
00:32:47,184 --> 00:32:48,914
I was too late.
458
00:33:16,083 --> 00:33:18,517
I apologized profusely,
459
00:33:18,552 --> 00:33:22,916
but it turned out to be
not at all an important cat.
460
00:33:26,252 --> 00:33:28,738
It can stay there now.
461
00:33:28,784 --> 00:33:33,079
I'll have someone let it out
before night falls.
462
00:33:33,116 --> 00:33:36,449
I permitted myself to be...
yes.
463
00:33:36,485 --> 00:33:40,178
I permitted myself
to be amused.
464
00:33:40,217 --> 00:33:42,274
Little did I think
465
00:33:42,317 --> 00:33:46,772
that this cat was to take
his revenge upon us later.
466
00:33:50,216 --> 00:33:55,277
Captain pugh's idleness
had only gained ground.
467
00:34:18,282 --> 00:34:20,304
The problem
that troubled him the most
468
00:34:20,347 --> 00:34:21,746
appeared to be whether,
469
00:34:21,782 --> 00:34:25,042
for an hour or more both
before and after every meal,
470
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:28,138
it would be more rewarding
to nap on a sofa
471
00:34:28,181 --> 00:34:31,577
or to undress and return to bed.
472
00:34:39,347 --> 00:34:42,506
Every room, including
the bathroom and kitchen,
473
00:34:42,546 --> 00:34:45,376
were furnished with a sofa.
474
00:34:52,014 --> 00:34:54,309
In those rare moments
he was on his feet...
attention!
475
00:34:54,346 --> 00:34:56,970
...pugh would stalk
about his farm building
476
00:34:57,012 --> 00:34:59,273
shouting commands
in military fashion,
477
00:34:59,311 --> 00:35:02,541
and causing great consternation
among the cows.
478
00:35:02,580 --> 00:35:04,671
All right, now!
Quick! March!
479
00:35:05,978 --> 00:35:07,945
Come along, then!
Come along, there!
480
00:35:07,979 --> 00:35:09,445
Step lively!
481
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:11,205
Come on, then!
482
00:35:12,578 --> 00:35:14,807
All right, you cows!
483
00:35:14,846 --> 00:35:17,470
Stand at ease!
484
00:35:17,511 --> 00:35:21,375
He then retired for the night
up the wide wooden staircase
485
00:35:21,411 --> 00:35:25,503
with its low treads
to reduce leg strain.
486
00:35:26,679 --> 00:35:29,144
Pugh paused to observe
that he was a light sleeper
487
00:35:29,178 --> 00:35:33,040
and therefore hoped
that Tulip was a sound one.
488
00:35:33,076 --> 00:35:37,374
So as to wake up
like a giant refreshed.
489
00:35:37,412 --> 00:35:40,706
I had been allotted
the bedroom joining his.
490
00:35:40,744 --> 00:35:42,800
And besides the bed
it contained,
491
00:35:42,843 --> 00:35:45,275
I was glad,
though not surprised,
492
00:35:45,310 --> 00:35:49,402
to find a comfortable sofa...
493
00:35:49,443 --> 00:35:52,339
for Tulip.
494
00:35:52,376 --> 00:35:55,343
In fact,
Tulip is a very quiet sleeper,
495
00:35:55,377 --> 00:35:58,309
although she will usually
pay me one visit in the night
496
00:35:58,343 --> 00:36:00,571
and put her nose
against my face.
497
00:36:00,610 --> 00:36:04,563
Perhaps I cry out in my dreams,
or do not,
498
00:36:04,608 --> 00:36:09,062
a-and she wishes to reassure
herself that I am not dead.
499
00:36:22,307 --> 00:36:24,537
It was therefore
well-precedented
500
00:36:24,574 --> 00:36:27,597
when she wakened me
at about 2:00 a.m.
501
00:36:27,641 --> 00:36:29,504
I petted her and turned away.
502
00:36:29,540 --> 00:36:32,007
She pulled at me
in an urgent kind of way.
503
00:36:32,042 --> 00:36:34,199
What could she want?
504
00:36:38,474 --> 00:36:40,597
Ah! So that was it.
505
00:36:40,638 --> 00:36:44,094
She left me then,
but she did not go to her sofa.
506
00:36:44,139 --> 00:36:45,935
Don't be tiresome, Tulip!
507
00:36:45,973 --> 00:36:47,438
Go back to bed!
508
00:36:47,473 --> 00:36:49,098
We'll visit the cat
in the morning.
509
00:36:51,273 --> 00:36:53,501
Silence.
510
00:36:54,572 --> 00:36:55,559
Then I heard...
511
00:36:55,604 --> 00:36:57,003
...plop...
512
00:36:57,039 --> 00:36:58,266
...plop...
513
00:36:58,306 --> 00:36:59,933
...plop.
514
00:37:02,906 --> 00:37:04,895
I fumbled for my matches.
515
00:37:04,939 --> 00:37:07,835
Tulip was coming to me
from the other side of the room,
516
00:37:07,870 --> 00:37:12,169
wagging her tail and gazing
at me with soft, glowing eyes
517
00:37:12,207 --> 00:37:14,296
as she kissed my cheek.
518
00:37:14,338 --> 00:37:16,132
Avoiding all the rugs,
519
00:37:16,170 --> 00:37:19,227
she had laid her mess
on the linoleum
520
00:37:19,271 --> 00:37:22,136
and as far from me
as she could get,
521
00:37:22,171 --> 00:37:24,262
against pugh's
communicating door.
522
00:37:24,305 --> 00:37:27,963
And, indeed,
she couldn't have helped it.
523
00:37:28,004 --> 00:37:31,663
I saw at once,
when I got out of bed to look,
524
00:37:31,704 --> 00:37:36,157
she couldn't have retained that
for a moment longer.
525
00:37:54,068 --> 00:37:55,397
Pugh:
526
00:38:26,834 --> 00:38:28,697
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Tulip!
527
00:38:28,733 --> 00:38:30,596
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
528
00:38:30,633 --> 00:38:32,692
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh!
529
00:38:36,268 --> 00:38:38,597
She had used every device
that lay in her power
530
00:38:38,634 --> 00:38:40,598
to tell me something,
531
00:38:40,632 --> 00:38:42,792
and I had not understood.
532
00:38:42,834 --> 00:38:45,994
Alas, for the gulf
that separates man and beast.
533
00:38:46,034 --> 00:38:49,964
Did she lose some confidence
in me at that moment?
534
00:38:49,999 --> 00:38:51,897
I have often sadly wondered.
535
00:38:53,766 --> 00:38:55,356
Poor pugh.
536
00:38:55,399 --> 00:38:58,591
It was not, I fear, with
the look of a giant refreshed
537
00:38:58,631 --> 00:39:01,099
that he appeared
at the breakfast table later.
538
00:39:01,133 --> 00:39:04,619
He said kindly
that it was of no consequence.
539
00:39:04,664 --> 00:39:07,098
But it was.
540
00:39:07,133 --> 00:39:09,062
The norton was waiting
in the yard,
541
00:39:09,097 --> 00:39:12,360
its engine
snickering impatiently.
542
00:39:12,397 --> 00:39:15,762
Tulip was never asked again.
543
00:39:34,630 --> 00:39:37,825
But here the story
finds a happy ending.
544
00:39:37,864 --> 00:39:41,626
If I did forfeit any of Tulip's
confidence at that period,
545
00:39:41,664 --> 00:39:44,787
I have reason to believe
that I had recovered it later,
546
00:39:44,829 --> 00:39:47,524
as we shall soon see.
547
00:39:48,797 --> 00:39:50,761
Dogs read the world
through their noses
548
00:39:50,795 --> 00:39:53,284
and write their history
in urine.
549
00:39:53,329 --> 00:39:55,793
Tulip is particularly
instructive
550
00:39:55,828 --> 00:39:57,295
when she is in season.
551
00:39:57,329 --> 00:40:00,385
She has two kinds
of, uh, urination...
552
00:40:00,428 --> 00:40:02,826
a necessity and a social.
553
00:40:02,862 --> 00:40:06,819
In necessity,
she squats squarely and abruptly
554
00:40:06,864 --> 00:40:08,794
right down on her shins,
555
00:40:08,828 --> 00:40:11,522
her hind legs
forming a kind of dam
556
00:40:11,562 --> 00:40:14,287
against the stream
that gushes out from behind.
557
00:40:14,325 --> 00:40:17,419
Her expression is complacent.
558
00:40:17,461 --> 00:40:19,950
For social urination,
she seldom squats,
559
00:40:19,995 --> 00:40:22,516
but balances herself
on one hind leg,
560
00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:25,254
the other being cocked up
in the air.
561
00:40:25,293 --> 00:40:27,283
A single drop will do.
562
00:40:27,328 --> 00:40:29,384
The expression on her face
is businesslike,
563
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:32,755
as though
she were signing a check.
564
00:40:32,792 --> 00:40:36,316
She attends socially
to a wide range of objects,
565
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:39,849
the commonest group being
the droppings of other animals.
566
00:40:42,493 --> 00:40:45,754
Fresh horse dung having
a special attraction for her
567
00:40:45,792 --> 00:40:48,781
and is always liberally sprayed.
568
00:40:50,692 --> 00:40:54,216
Then she sprinkles any food
that has been thrown out...
569
00:40:54,260 --> 00:40:56,453
buns, bones...
570
00:40:56,493 --> 00:40:59,978
fish, bread...
571
00:41:00,024 --> 00:41:01,820
vomit...
572
00:41:01,858 --> 00:41:05,382
unless it is food
she wishes to eat.
573
00:41:05,424 --> 00:41:09,879
Dead and decaying animals
are carefully attended to.
574
00:41:28,991 --> 00:41:33,480
There came a day
when she suddenly added my urine
575
00:41:33,523 --> 00:41:38,354
to the other privileged objects
of her social attention.
576
00:41:39,859 --> 00:41:42,379
How touched I was.
577
00:41:42,423 --> 00:41:45,286
How honored I felt.
578
00:41:45,322 --> 00:41:47,515
"Oh, Tulip.
579
00:41:47,556 --> 00:41:50,546
Thank you," I said.
580
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:54,317
And now she always does it.
581
00:41:54,357 --> 00:41:58,550
So I feel that if ever there
were differences between us...
582
00:41:58,589 --> 00:42:01,522
...they're washed out now.
583
00:42:05,754 --> 00:42:08,517
I feel a proper dog.
584
00:42:10,288 --> 00:42:13,482
Soon after Tulip
came into my possession,
585
00:42:13,521 --> 00:42:16,543
I set about finding
a husband for her.
586
00:42:16,588 --> 00:42:19,382
She had had a lonely
and frustrated life hitherto.
587
00:42:19,420 --> 00:42:21,078
Now she should have a full one.
588
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:23,746
A full life naturally included
589
00:42:23,787 --> 00:42:27,480
the pleasures of sex
and maternity.
590
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:29,076
And although I could not,
591
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:33,311
of course, accommodate her
little puppies in my small flat,
592
00:42:33,351 --> 00:42:37,845
that was a matter to which
I would give my attention later.
593
00:42:40,721 --> 00:42:42,685
Miss, uh, Canvenini,
594
00:42:42,719 --> 00:42:45,743
provided me with the address
of a Mr. Blandish,
595
00:42:45,786 --> 00:42:50,342
who lived in sheen and owned
a good Alsatian named max
596
00:42:50,385 --> 00:42:53,318
whom he was willing to lend.
597
00:43:03,653 --> 00:43:06,618
Max was then revealed
as a heavy, handsome dog
598
00:43:06,651 --> 00:43:10,549
with the grave deportment
of the old family retainer.
599
00:43:10,584 --> 00:43:13,074
When I was invited
into the sitting room...
600
00:43:13,119 --> 00:43:15,107
show the gentleman in,
max.
601
00:43:15,150 --> 00:43:18,139
...he kept me
under close surveillance.
602
00:43:23,018 --> 00:43:26,711
The house and its management
clearly belonged to him.
603
00:43:26,751 --> 00:43:29,875
To have offered him any kind
of familiarity, it was plain,
604
00:43:29,917 --> 00:43:32,643
would have been as shocking
a breach of etiquette
605
00:43:32,683 --> 00:43:36,613
as if one had attempted
to stroke the butler.
606
00:43:46,049 --> 00:43:48,537
Matches.
607
00:43:48,582 --> 00:43:52,344
Matches. Are there no matches
in the house?
608
00:43:52,382 --> 00:43:56,279
Oh, well, never mind.
L-i think I've got some.
609
00:44:03,148 --> 00:44:06,045
Thank you, max.
610
00:44:07,414 --> 00:44:11,643
Uh, then, will this be
his first experience
611
00:44:11,681 --> 00:44:13,476
of, um, uh
612
00:44:13,514 --> 00:44:15,706
With the opposite sex?
613
00:44:15,747 --> 00:44:18,611
I've been told there might be
some difficulties
614
00:44:18,647 --> 00:44:20,511
unless, uh...
615
00:44:25,915 --> 00:44:28,674
oh, you needn't
worry about that.
616
00:44:28,713 --> 00:44:31,272
Max knows his oats,
all right.
617
00:44:31,314 --> 00:44:33,006
Oh, he's been
married before, then?
618
00:44:33,046 --> 00:44:35,604
He's never been churched,
it's true.
619
00:44:35,647 --> 00:44:37,874
But when we were down in the
country a couple years ago,
620
00:44:37,913 --> 00:44:41,310
he happened upon a stray bitch
in heat...
621
00:44:41,346 --> 00:44:44,109
not at all a classy one,
either...
622
00:44:44,147 --> 00:44:47,600
and had his wicked way with her
on the spot.
623
00:44:47,646 --> 00:44:50,806
He'll be delighted to repeat
the performance with Tulip,
624
00:44:50,846 --> 00:44:53,105
I can assure you.
625
00:44:59,678 --> 00:45:02,007
Oh, then, well, well,
it was only that...
626
00:45:02,044 --> 00:45:05,476
leave it all to me.
627
00:45:05,510 --> 00:45:08,272
I've got a very reliable
little book,
628
00:45:08,311 --> 00:45:10,901
not that max will need
to look up anything in it.
629
00:45:14,512 --> 00:45:18,000
It's all right, max.
630
00:45:18,045 --> 00:45:20,838
The gentleman
has permission.
631
00:45:20,877 --> 00:45:23,605
In case
you took the wrong hat.
632
00:45:26,575 --> 00:45:31,306
A formal introduction
was effected a few days later.
633
00:45:31,345 --> 00:45:33,503
The sound
of max's throaty rumble
634
00:45:33,544 --> 00:45:35,237
as we advanced up the driveway
635
00:45:35,278 --> 00:45:37,209
announced that he was on duty.
636
00:45:37,244 --> 00:45:38,798
And the opening door
637
00:45:38,841 --> 00:45:42,798
disclosed him planted squarely
on the threshold as before.
638
00:45:42,844 --> 00:45:47,036
But no sooner had max approached
Tulip in the most affable manner
639
00:45:47,076 --> 00:45:49,441
than she rounded
vigorously upon him
640
00:45:49,477 --> 00:45:52,602
and drove him down the passage
into the pantry.
641
00:45:58,140 --> 00:46:01,538
The blandishes took no offense.
642
00:46:03,575 --> 00:46:06,006
Mr. Blandish.
643
00:46:06,041 --> 00:46:08,939
"I see she is..."
644
00:46:08,975 --> 00:46:10,769
quite the sweet
and proper little bitch.
645
00:46:13,241 --> 00:46:16,264
I can see them get along
famously together
646
00:46:16,307 --> 00:46:19,932
when her time comes.
647
00:46:19,975 --> 00:46:23,871
Uh, more chuckles and winks
at Mrs."B."
648
00:46:23,906 --> 00:46:25,337
I could not help wondering
649
00:46:25,372 --> 00:46:29,238
from what source of knowledge
such optimism derived.
650
00:47:26,370 --> 00:47:29,766
That should be between
her seventh and ninth day.
651
00:47:29,802 --> 00:47:33,499
...his index finger
knowingly pointing to heaven.
652
00:47:33,539 --> 00:47:36,969
The nuptials shall take place
in the back garden.
653
00:47:37,003 --> 00:47:39,401
...uh, pointing at my tie.
654
00:47:39,437 --> 00:47:42,460
"Well, uh, my own information
says a later day,"
655
00:47:42,503 --> 00:47:44,332
I ventured to remark,
656
00:47:44,370 --> 00:47:47,233
"and that the second week
might be better."
657
00:47:47,269 --> 00:47:50,565
But he firmly replied
that I was mistaken
658
00:47:50,603 --> 00:47:53,330
and I could safely leave matters
to his judgment.
659
00:47:53,369 --> 00:47:56,631
I then suggested that they
might be exercised together
660
00:47:56,669 --> 00:47:58,360
between now and then.
661
00:47:58,401 --> 00:48:00,425
What a good idea!
662
00:48:00,469 --> 00:48:01,799
...cried Mrs. Blandish.
663
00:48:01,836 --> 00:48:05,597
But her husband was instantly
and flatly opposed.
664
00:48:05,635 --> 00:48:08,327
It was Mrs. Blandish
who took max for walks
665
00:48:08,367 --> 00:48:10,230
while he himself was at work.
666
00:48:10,268 --> 00:48:12,927
And he would not permit her to
have any part in this business,
667
00:48:12,968 --> 00:48:15,229
at any rate, in his absence.
668
00:48:15,268 --> 00:48:18,723
When we left, max was again
withdrawn from hiding,
669
00:48:18,767 --> 00:48:20,959
to say goodbye to Tulip.
670
00:48:22,567 --> 00:48:25,089
His other wife
bit him in the shoulder,
671
00:48:25,133 --> 00:48:27,758
but he won't at all mind
a few more bites
672
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:29,823
when his time
with Tulip comes.
673
00:48:29,868 --> 00:48:31,833
eh?
674
00:48:31,867 --> 00:48:34,355
He said this with such gusto
675
00:48:34,399 --> 00:48:37,731
that I glanced again,
involuntary, at Mrs. Blandish,
676
00:48:37,767 --> 00:48:41,028
who was smiling roguishly at him
677
00:48:41,067 --> 00:48:44,054
with her small, even teeth.
678
00:49:17,698 --> 00:49:20,220
Dear Tulip chose to come to heat
679
00:49:20,264 --> 00:49:22,958
in the midst
of the most arctic winter
680
00:49:22,998 --> 00:49:26,861
this chilly country had suffered
for 50 years.
681
00:49:26,897 --> 00:49:31,157
But it was my first experience
of her in this condition,
682
00:49:31,195 --> 00:49:33,186
and I was enchanted.
683
00:49:35,999 --> 00:49:40,622
I was touched by the mysterious
process at work within her
684
00:49:40,663 --> 00:49:44,789
and felt very sweet towards her.
685
00:49:44,830 --> 00:49:47,953
That small, dark bud...
her vulva...
686
00:49:47,995 --> 00:49:49,983
became swollen
and more noticeable
687
00:49:50,026 --> 00:49:51,824
as she walked ahead of me,
688
00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:54,055
and sometimes
it would set up a tickle
689
00:49:54,095 --> 00:49:55,755
or some other sensation,
690
00:49:55,796 --> 00:49:58,819
for she would suddenly
squat down on the road
691
00:49:58,862 --> 00:50:01,454
and fall to licking it.
692
00:50:51,426 --> 00:50:54,391
Tulip is still bleeding,
I'm afraid.
693
00:50:54,425 --> 00:50:56,689
Oh, not to worry.
694
00:50:58,824 --> 00:51:00,792
Yes.
695
00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:05,388
Never mind.
696
00:51:05,425 --> 00:51:07,619
Everything
will be quite all right
697
00:51:07,659 --> 00:51:10,180
after we leave them alone
together in the garden.
698
00:51:11,923 --> 00:51:15,549
They'll get down to business
in no time.
699
00:51:16,824 --> 00:51:18,620
Yes.
Yes.
700
00:51:18,657 --> 00:51:21,621
Everything will be
quite all right.
701
00:51:42,557 --> 00:51:46,147
The end of this fiasco
will already be apparent.
702
00:51:46,188 --> 00:51:49,641
Max was propelled by Tulip
back into the house.
703
00:51:49,687 --> 00:51:51,917
And so it was
that this marked the end
704
00:51:51,956 --> 00:51:56,854
of Mr. Blandish's indulgence
and our visit.
705
00:51:56,889 --> 00:51:59,582
"You bad girl," I said to Tulip
706
00:51:59,621 --> 00:52:02,281
as we trudged away
through the snow.
707
00:52:02,322 --> 00:52:05,345
But she was now,
when she had me back to herself,
708
00:52:05,388 --> 00:52:08,217
in her most disarming mood.
709
00:52:08,253 --> 00:52:10,051
And as soon as we were home,
710
00:52:10,089 --> 00:52:12,748
she attempted
to bestow upon my leg
711
00:52:12,789 --> 00:52:16,017
all the love
that the pusillanimous max
712
00:52:16,056 --> 00:52:18,384
had been denied.
713
00:52:30,386 --> 00:52:32,647
Uh, miss Canvenini informed me
714
00:52:32,686 --> 00:52:36,084
that mating dogs
was not always a simple matter
715
00:52:36,117 --> 00:52:38,381
and added
the belated information
716
00:52:38,420 --> 00:52:40,648
that when they were
inexperienced,
717
00:52:40,687 --> 00:52:43,675
the application of a little
vaseline to the bitch
718
00:52:43,720 --> 00:52:47,116
sometimes helped to excite
and define the interest,
719
00:52:47,153 --> 00:52:49,312
besides acting as a lubricant.
720
00:52:49,353 --> 00:52:52,319
She then put me in touch
with a Mr. Plum,
721
00:52:52,353 --> 00:52:56,581
who owned a well-kept Alsatian
off putney hill.
722
00:52:56,620 --> 00:53:00,381
"Now, do be serious,"
I said to Tulip.
723
00:53:00,419 --> 00:53:03,748
I rang Mr. Plum's bell.
724
00:53:05,117 --> 00:53:09,106
He at once emerged
and led us to the garage.
725
00:53:11,883 --> 00:53:14,577
"Nice dog," I said.
726
00:53:14,617 --> 00:53:16,016
"What's his name?"
727
00:53:16,052 --> 00:53:17,414
Uh, chum.
728
00:53:17,451 --> 00:53:18,576
...said Mr. Plum.
729
00:53:23,682 --> 00:53:25,547
Mr. Plum looks at his watch.
730
00:53:41,782 --> 00:53:44,806
"Perhaps Tulip would concentrate
better if we left them alone,"
731
00:53:44,850 --> 00:53:47,281
suggested Mr. Plum.
732
00:53:53,015 --> 00:53:54,981
He looks at his watch again.
733
00:53:55,015 --> 00:53:58,343
Mrs. Plum has a cup of tea
for us in the flat.
734
00:53:58,381 --> 00:54:01,438
...Mr. Plum added,
glancing at his watch.
735
00:54:14,249 --> 00:54:16,806
Two cups of tea
were already poured.
736
00:54:16,849 --> 00:54:18,075
I took mine up.
737
00:54:18,114 --> 00:54:21,705
It was not tepid.
It was cold!
738
00:54:21,747 --> 00:54:24,577
The striking thing
about Mrs. Plum's kitchen
739
00:54:24,614 --> 00:54:26,103
was its cleanliness.
740
00:54:26,148 --> 00:54:29,580
The kitchen was more like
a model ideal-home exhibition
741
00:54:29,614 --> 00:54:32,136
than a room actually in use.
742
00:54:32,181 --> 00:54:34,611
Mrs. Plum stood
in its perfect center,
743
00:54:34,645 --> 00:54:38,975
holding in her arms the most
doll-like baby I ever saw.
744
00:54:39,013 --> 00:54:42,570
I congratulated Mrs. Plum
on the beauty of her kitchen
745
00:54:42,613 --> 00:54:44,338
and added that it was a marvel
746
00:54:44,377 --> 00:54:47,867
to keep a place so clean
when it contained a dog.
747
00:54:47,912 --> 00:54:49,900
And she answered
in her grave voice
748
00:54:49,946 --> 00:54:52,138
that chum was not allowed
into the house
749
00:54:52,178 --> 00:54:55,574
because dogs make things dirty.
750
00:54:57,210 --> 00:55:00,269
Tulip was exactly
where we had left her.
751
00:55:04,411 --> 00:55:06,970
I smeared her lavishly
with vaseline
752
00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:08,839
and tried to hold her still
753
00:55:08,877 --> 00:55:13,435
while Mr. Plum strove to guide
chum to a more accurate aim.
754
00:55:15,878 --> 00:55:19,036
It was all of no use.
755
00:55:19,076 --> 00:55:21,010
I realized
that our efforts to please
756
00:55:21,044 --> 00:55:24,634
had turned into cruelty
and said,"we must stop."
757
00:55:24,676 --> 00:55:27,837
Could it be,
as Mr. Plum suggested,
758
00:55:27,877 --> 00:55:29,866
that she might relax more
759
00:55:29,910 --> 00:55:34,400
if the action was transferred
to my own flat?
760
00:55:35,845 --> 00:55:38,934
Tulip greeted chum
with infantile pleasure
761
00:55:38,976 --> 00:55:41,940
and at once
instituted nursery games,
762
00:55:41,974 --> 00:55:44,100
chasing him
or being chased by him
763
00:55:44,142 --> 00:55:45,336
in and out of my flat,
764
00:55:45,376 --> 00:55:48,739
scattering newspapers
like leaves in the wind.
765
00:55:48,777 --> 00:55:51,434
Chum still found her attractive,
766
00:55:51,475 --> 00:55:55,497
but of sexual interest
on her side, there was no sign.
767
00:55:55,541 --> 00:55:58,474
Later on, we took them out
for a walk together
768
00:55:58,509 --> 00:56:00,735
on putney common.
769
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:02,900
What was Tulip
trying to tell us?
770
00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:05,271
Had I brought her to max
too early
771
00:56:05,308 --> 00:56:07,434
and to chum too late?
772
00:56:07,475 --> 00:56:10,440
Was neither dog personally
acceptable to her?
773
00:56:10,474 --> 00:56:14,372
Or was her devotion to myself
all the love she needed?
774
00:56:21,409 --> 00:56:23,068
Mr. Plum:
Here, chum! Good boy!
775
00:56:23,108 --> 00:56:26,039
Come here, boy!
Come here, I say!
776
00:56:26,073 --> 00:56:28,696
Will you do
as you're told?!
777
00:56:28,737 --> 00:56:30,466
Chum!
778
00:56:30,506 --> 00:56:32,632
Oh, I thought chum
was going to be like that.
779
00:56:32,674 --> 00:56:34,571
Well, I don't like
to blame him.
780
00:56:34,606 --> 00:56:36,970
We've had some jolly good
hikes together,
781
00:56:37,006 --> 00:56:39,096
but, of course,
when you're married,
782
00:56:39,139 --> 00:56:41,298
you've got other people
to consider,
783
00:56:41,338 --> 00:56:46,237
and it's natural that the wife
should want one's company, too.
784
00:56:46,272 --> 00:56:48,236
But I had left off listening
785
00:56:48,270 --> 00:56:51,067
to Mr. Plum's
sorrowful reflections.
786
00:56:51,772 --> 00:56:54,534
Cutting across our path
was a curious figure
787
00:56:54,573 --> 00:56:58,334
who instantly caught
my attention.
788
00:57:23,437 --> 00:57:27,459
I wouldn't be surprised
if she's a barren bitch.
789
00:57:27,503 --> 00:57:31,527
Too nervous and highly strung
for my liking.
790
00:57:31,571 --> 00:57:34,000
Now, if it hadn't been
a sunday
791
00:57:34,036 --> 00:57:37,560
and me having a young lad
with me and all,
792
00:57:37,603 --> 00:57:39,261
I wouldn't have minded
793
00:57:39,302 --> 00:57:42,598
unleashing one of me own
dogs on her here and now.
794
00:57:42,635 --> 00:57:46,465
They'd soon find out
if she's a barren bitch or not.
795
00:57:46,502 --> 00:57:49,400
Uh, t-there aren't
m-many people about.
796
00:57:49,435 --> 00:57:51,923
Can't we go over
into those bushes?
797
00:57:51,968 --> 00:57:54,367
N-no one
would see us there.
798
00:57:54,402 --> 00:57:56,630
I'd have been pleased
to try,
799
00:57:56,668 --> 00:57:59,896
but I couldn't
in front of the young lad.
800
00:57:59,935 --> 00:58:02,400
Did you give her a lead
at all?
801
00:58:02,433 --> 00:58:05,697
You know,
prompt her, like?
802
00:58:05,735 --> 00:58:08,495
There's ways
of stimulating them up.
803
00:58:08,534 --> 00:58:10,227
Uh, vaseline?
804
00:58:10,267 --> 00:58:12,926
Ah. You knew about that.
805
00:58:12,967 --> 00:58:15,364
I wouldn't have minded
demonstrating it
806
00:58:15,400 --> 00:58:17,730
on one of me own dogs,
807
00:58:17,767 --> 00:58:21,859
if it hadn't been for
the presence of the young lad.
808
00:58:21,901 --> 00:58:23,423
I had by now conceived
809
00:58:23,467 --> 00:58:26,261
so intense a dislike
for this sickly faced youth,
810
00:58:26,300 --> 00:58:28,789
who looked as though there was
little he did not already know
811
00:58:28,834 --> 00:58:30,958
about the art
of self-stimulation,
812
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:33,897
that I could hardly keep
the venom out of my gaze
813
00:58:33,933 --> 00:58:35,297
and asked irritably
814
00:58:35,333 --> 00:58:39,822
whether he could not be sent
for a walk by himself.
815
00:58:40,966 --> 00:58:44,295
The desire to instruct
is a powerful one,
816
00:58:44,332 --> 00:58:47,229
and our lecturer
could not resist it.
817
00:58:47,264 --> 00:58:49,958
He accordingly sent the boy off
with one of the dogs,
818
00:58:49,998 --> 00:58:52,362
and then,
after a cautious look around,
819
00:58:52,399 --> 00:58:54,592
demonstrated
upon the remaining animal
820
00:58:54,632 --> 00:58:59,562
what transpires when one exerts
a slight warming pressure
821
00:58:59,597 --> 00:59:02,189
on its member.
822
00:59:02,231 --> 00:59:03,630
What occurred then
823
00:59:03,665 --> 00:59:07,959
requires no further
enlarging upon.
824
00:59:07,996 --> 00:59:10,020
And that was the end
of my attempt
825
00:59:10,064 --> 00:59:12,529
to marry Tulip that season.
826
00:59:23,362 --> 00:59:26,728
I had a lot of trouble
with the local dogs...
827
00:59:26,765 --> 00:59:28,626
far more than I had had
in the winter.
828
00:59:28,663 --> 00:59:29,993
It became quite a puzzle
829
00:59:30,030 --> 00:59:34,926
to know where to exercise Tulip
when she was in heat.
830
00:59:36,029 --> 00:59:37,690
The only fault
I could find with her
831
00:59:37,729 --> 00:59:40,160
was that she was apt to spread
the news of her condition
832
00:59:40,196 --> 00:59:44,424
by sprinkling the doorstep
on her way in and out,
833
00:59:44,462 --> 00:59:46,552
which naturally brought
all the neighboring dogs along
834
00:59:46,595 --> 00:59:48,254
in a trice
835
00:59:48,295 --> 00:59:49,956
to hang hopefully
about the building
836
00:59:49,996 --> 00:59:52,085
for the rest of her season.
837
00:59:52,129 --> 00:59:55,323
Thereafter,
her walks became as harassed
838
00:59:55,362 --> 00:59:57,485
as are the attempts
of film stars
839
00:59:57,527 --> 01:00:00,859
to leave the savoy hotel
undetected by reporters.
840
01:00:00,896 --> 01:00:02,860
Stealth, therefore,
841
01:00:02,894 --> 01:00:06,917
was an essential preliminary
to success.
842
01:00:08,228 --> 01:00:12,422
A single bark would undo us now.
843
01:00:24,194 --> 01:00:27,218
Dogs would materialize
out of the very air
844
01:00:27,261 --> 01:00:29,123
and come racing towards us.
845
01:00:29,160 --> 01:00:32,454
Some were so small
that by no stroke of luck
846
01:00:32,492 --> 01:00:36,017
could they possibly achieve
their high ambition.
847
01:00:36,060 --> 01:00:37,822
And some were so old
and arthritic
848
01:00:37,860 --> 01:00:39,380
that they could hardly
hobble along.
849
01:00:39,424 --> 01:00:41,653
Yet all deserted hearth and home
850
01:00:41,692 --> 01:00:44,715
and skirmished after us so far
851
01:00:44,759 --> 01:00:46,885
that I often wondered
whether those who dropped out
852
01:00:46,927 --> 01:00:49,050
ever managed to return home.
853
01:00:50,325 --> 01:00:52,416
Well, then I lost my temper.
854
01:00:52,458 --> 01:00:55,447
Scram! Shoo! Piss off!
855
01:00:55,493 --> 01:00:59,721
I took to pelting the dauntless
creatures with sticks and clogs,
856
01:00:59,760 --> 01:01:01,815
but Tulip instantly flew off
to retrieve them
857
01:01:01,859 --> 01:01:06,018
and returned with sundry dogs
clinging to her bottom.
858
01:01:06,058 --> 01:01:09,023
With all the intelligence
gone out of her eyes,
859
01:01:09,057 --> 01:01:10,920
she would reach
a point of frenzy,
860
01:01:10,957 --> 01:01:13,288
tearing my clothes or my flesh
with her teeth.
861
01:01:18,089 --> 01:01:21,283
Most of our walks, therefore,
ended in bad humor.
862
01:01:21,323 --> 01:01:23,382
And I was thankful to get home
863
01:01:23,424 --> 01:01:26,354
safely out of reach
of our oppressors,
864
01:01:26,389 --> 01:01:30,084
who, being unable to rise above
themselves in any other way,
865
01:01:30,125 --> 01:01:32,681
remained where they were.
866
01:01:34,156 --> 01:01:36,677
There was one mongrel
in my district
867
01:01:36,721 --> 01:01:41,017
to whom Tulip was so devoted
that it was quite a romance.
868
01:01:41,056 --> 01:01:44,283
He was a very small
and rather wooden terrier
869
01:01:44,321 --> 01:01:45,844
with a mean, little face.
870
01:01:45,888 --> 01:01:47,719
And I had only to
pronounce his name...
871
01:01:47,757 --> 01:01:49,585
which was watney...
872
01:01:49,622 --> 01:01:52,520
for her to prick up her ears
and lead me excitedly
873
01:01:52,556 --> 01:01:55,851
to the public house
in which he lived.
874
01:01:55,888 --> 01:01:58,582
The publican
would let the little dog out,
875
01:01:58,622 --> 01:02:00,315
and Tulip would greet him
876
01:02:00,355 --> 01:02:03,751
with all her prettiest
demonstrations of pleasure.
877
01:02:03,787 --> 01:02:07,311
Every now and then, she would
place a paw on his back,
878
01:02:07,354 --> 01:02:11,183
as though to hold him still
for contemplation.
879
01:02:11,220 --> 01:02:14,416
What she saw or smelt
in this dreary, little dog
880
01:02:14,455 --> 01:02:17,509
I never could understand.
881
01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:25,251
During her heats, he practically
lived on our doorsteps
882
01:02:25,287 --> 01:02:26,980
and, when she appeared,
883
01:02:27,020 --> 01:02:29,679
clung like a barnacle
to one of her hind legs
884
01:02:29,719 --> 01:02:32,515
while she patiently stood
and allowed him to do with her
885
01:02:32,555 --> 01:02:36,644
as he would and could
or could not.
886
01:02:36,686 --> 01:02:38,948
But when,
in the long intervals between,
887
01:02:38,986 --> 01:02:40,574
she visited him in his pub,
888
01:02:40,617 --> 01:02:43,778
he never found for her
more than a moment to spare.
889
01:02:43,819 --> 01:02:45,810
Having ascertained,
with a sniff,
890
01:02:45,854 --> 01:02:47,375
that there was nothing doing,
891
01:02:47,419 --> 01:02:51,941
he would retire stiffly
to his duties behind the bar.
892
01:02:51,984 --> 01:02:54,780
"Never mind, Tulip dear,"
I would say.
893
01:02:54,819 --> 01:02:58,510
"It's the way of the world,
I fear."
894
01:02:58,551 --> 01:03:02,143
The nicest thing for her,
therefore, it seemed to me,
895
01:03:02,186 --> 01:03:05,912
would be to find her
an Alsatian watney.
896
01:03:17,851 --> 01:03:21,281
Nancy:
"I have rented a bungalow
in Sussex for the summer.
897
01:03:21,315 --> 01:03:24,113
"Owner accepts dogs.
898
01:03:24,151 --> 01:03:25,615
"No need to look further
899
01:03:25,650 --> 01:03:29,241
"if you are in search
of holidayaccommodation.
900
01:03:29,283 --> 01:03:31,682
'N."'
901
01:03:31,717 --> 01:03:35,205
Joe:"i flxed up Tulip's
love affairs here in London.
902
01:03:35,248 --> 01:03:38,681
"Can't possibly make it.
Joe."
903
01:03:45,981 --> 01:03:47,313
"None of your dogs
904
01:03:47,350 --> 01:03:49,280
"could possiblybe as good
as mountjoy.
905
01:03:49,315 --> 01:03:50,679
"And Mrs. Tudor-Smith
906
01:03:50,715 --> 01:03:52,773
"is frightfullykeen
on the marriage.
907
01:03:52,817 --> 01:03:54,678
'N."'
908
01:03:54,714 --> 01:03:57,202
Oh, this was Nancy's trump card.
909
01:03:57,247 --> 01:03:59,612
Mountjoy belongs to some people
910
01:03:59,649 --> 01:04:01,874
a little further down
witchball lane.
911
01:04:01,914 --> 01:04:03,209
He is an Alsatian
912
01:04:03,246 --> 01:04:06,146
of such ancient
and aristocratic ancestry
913
01:04:06,182 --> 01:04:08,943
that Mrs. Tudor-Smith
has been heard to declare
914
01:04:08,981 --> 01:04:13,001
that his genealogy went back
even further than her own did.
915
01:04:13,045 --> 01:04:14,876
I have often seen him,
916
01:04:14,914 --> 01:04:18,348
uh, just outside the gates
of badgers' holt,
917
01:04:18,382 --> 01:04:19,847
where he resided.
918
01:04:19,881 --> 01:04:24,142
He always seems to stand in
the classic"show dog" attitude,
919
01:04:24,181 --> 01:04:26,578
as though he had invented it.
920
01:04:26,613 --> 01:04:29,079
And he perpetually poses
for cameras
921
01:04:29,114 --> 01:04:31,872
that he must believe
are somewhere about.
922
01:04:31,911 --> 01:04:35,277
If he has ever emitted
any sound louder than a yawn,
923
01:04:35,313 --> 01:04:36,778
I have not heard it...
924
01:04:36,813 --> 01:04:40,609
certainly nothing so coarse
as a bark.
925
01:04:41,813 --> 01:04:44,676
"Dear Nancy, I have
an urgent business matter
926
01:04:44,711 --> 01:04:49,642
which might require my presence
in London over the summer."
927
01:04:49,677 --> 01:04:51,667
"If you wanta second string,
928
01:04:51,711 --> 01:04:54,677
"Colonel Finch says you can
have Gunner whenever you like.
929
01:04:54,711 --> 01:04:56,939
'N."'
930
01:04:58,578 --> 01:05:00,042
We went.
931
01:05:04,279 --> 01:05:06,302
Well, we're here,
aren't we?
932
01:05:06,345 --> 01:05:08,639
But you've no idea
of the difficulties ahead.
933
01:05:08,677 --> 01:05:11,472
You couldn't
possibly cope.
934
01:05:11,510 --> 01:05:13,567
You're exaggerating.
935
01:05:13,610 --> 01:05:16,270
If you can cope,
so can I!
936
01:05:18,142 --> 01:05:21,871
Tulip entered her heat
on the first day of june,
937
01:05:21,911 --> 01:05:23,570
and within a few days,
938
01:05:23,610 --> 01:05:27,302
mon repos
was in a state of siege.
939
01:05:27,342 --> 01:05:29,900
Nancy began by thinking this
rather amusing,
940
01:05:29,943 --> 01:05:33,136
and she found the little
scotties and sealyhams
941
01:05:33,176 --> 01:05:36,573
who came to call sweet.
942
01:05:37,842 --> 01:05:39,776
She found it less amusing,
though,
943
01:05:39,811 --> 01:05:42,742
when they accumulated
and camped out all night
944
01:05:42,775 --> 01:05:45,763
quarreling and whining
among the seven dwarves.
945
01:05:47,072 --> 01:05:49,065
Nancy found it
less amusing still
946
01:05:49,109 --> 01:05:51,076
when she tried
to take Tulip for walks
947
01:05:51,110 --> 01:05:53,234
and fell into the error
I had made
948
01:05:53,276 --> 01:05:55,638
of attempting
to beat off her escort,
949
01:05:55,674 --> 01:05:57,799
which resulted
in a torrent of complaints
950
01:05:57,841 --> 01:05:59,205
amongst the locals
951
01:05:59,239 --> 01:06:03,400
that she'd been seen
in torn clothes and flesh.
952
01:06:12,941 --> 01:06:15,634
Tulip, therefore,
was not taken out at all,
953
01:06:15,674 --> 01:06:17,831
and all the windows
presented her
954
01:06:17,872 --> 01:06:21,634
with a spectacle of a dozen
or so of her male friends
955
01:06:21,672 --> 01:06:23,263
awaiting her outside.
956
01:06:23,306 --> 01:06:26,138
She barked at them incessantly.
957
01:06:26,175 --> 01:06:29,629
They barked back.
She would break into song.
958
01:06:29,673 --> 01:06:33,229
The expensive curtains
were all in tatters.
959
01:06:33,272 --> 01:06:35,739
Soon they forced their way
in at several points,
960
01:06:35,773 --> 01:06:37,671
and my sister and I engaged
961
01:06:37,706 --> 01:06:41,102
in ejecting dogs
of all shapes and sizes,
962
01:06:41,138 --> 01:06:44,161
from dining room, sun parlor,
963
01:06:44,205 --> 01:06:46,900
and even in the night
from our bedrooms.
964
01:06:46,940 --> 01:06:50,166
I've never seen such
scruffy articles!
965
01:06:50,205 --> 01:06:52,899
You're an absolute
disgrace!
966
01:06:52,939 --> 01:06:56,927
Go on! Sod off!
Bugger off home!
967
01:06:56,971 --> 01:06:59,903
Get back to your slums!
968
01:06:59,938 --> 01:07:02,927
You're not her class.
969
01:07:02,971 --> 01:07:06,868
Oh, damn and blast the dogs!
970
01:07:08,905 --> 01:07:11,269
Joe!
971
01:07:11,338 --> 01:07:13,802
Joe!
972
01:07:16,104 --> 01:07:18,829
For god's sake! Joe!
973
01:07:20,569 --> 01:07:25,196
Joe: Tulip had not seen much of
mountjoy during her wooing week.
974
01:07:25,237 --> 01:07:28,861
The Tudor-Smiths
had thought it undesirable
975
01:07:28,903 --> 01:07:31,800
that he should mlx
in such low company.
976
01:07:31,835 --> 01:07:33,769
But now was
the appropriate time,
977
01:07:33,804 --> 01:07:35,770
and she was pleased to see him.
978
01:07:35,804 --> 01:07:38,462
And as soon
as he made his wishes clear,
979
01:07:38,501 --> 01:07:41,298
she allowed him to mount her.
980
01:07:41,336 --> 01:07:44,732
But for some reason, he failed
to achieve his purpose.
981
01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:49,257
His stabs, it looked to me,
did not quite reach her.
982
01:07:49,301 --> 01:07:51,790
After a little,
she disengaged herself
983
01:07:51,835 --> 01:07:53,856
and began to flirt
in front of him.
984
01:07:53,901 --> 01:07:56,766
But he had graver ends in view.
985
01:07:56,802 --> 01:07:58,564
Again she stood.
986
01:07:58,602 --> 01:08:01,123
This time, he appeared to
have moved further forward,
987
01:08:01,169 --> 01:08:04,067
but now she gave a nervous cry
and escaped from him once more.
988
01:08:08,334 --> 01:08:10,460
They tried again and again.
989
01:08:10,502 --> 01:08:13,126
The same thing always happened.
990
01:08:16,668 --> 01:08:18,291
It was sorrow to watch them
991
01:08:18,332 --> 01:08:21,357
trying to know each other
and always failing,
992
01:08:21,401 --> 01:08:23,796
until she would have no more
to do with him
993
01:08:23,832 --> 01:08:25,857
and drove him away.
994
01:08:27,001 --> 01:08:28,466
Who would have supposed
995
01:08:28,498 --> 01:08:32,489
that mating a bitch
could be so baffling a problem?
996
01:08:37,498 --> 01:08:39,430
I sent for the local vet.
997
01:08:39,466 --> 01:08:41,329
Next morning,
he came and stood with me
998
01:08:41,366 --> 01:08:46,161
while the animals repeated their
futile and exhausting antics.
999
01:08:49,332 --> 01:08:51,456
It's the dog's fault.
1000
01:08:51,498 --> 01:08:54,658
His foreskin is too tight,
you know?
1001
01:08:54,698 --> 01:08:56,597
He can't draw her.
1002
01:08:56,632 --> 01:08:58,723
That's a disability
that could have been corrected
1003
01:08:58,764 --> 01:09:00,730
when he was a puppy.
1004
01:09:00,764 --> 01:09:03,026
He's a rig dog, too.
Eh?
1005
01:09:03,064 --> 01:09:06,690
He has
an undescended testicle.
1006
01:09:06,732 --> 01:09:10,526
That's a serious
disqualification in mating.
1007
01:09:10,562 --> 01:09:12,087
Eh?
1008
01:09:12,131 --> 01:09:14,993
Uh...
1009
01:09:16,530 --> 01:09:18,759
Ugh! Off with you.
1010
01:09:18,798 --> 01:09:21,125
There was nothing now to be done
1011
01:09:21,162 --> 01:09:25,458
but to bundle Tulip
and convey her to mon repos.
1012
01:09:28,096 --> 01:09:32,619
# Human beings
are prudes and bores #
1013
01:09:38,460 --> 01:09:42,225
We re-entered her taxl
and were driven back.
1014
01:09:50,394 --> 01:09:51,950
Dusk was now falling.
1015
01:09:51,995 --> 01:09:54,655
I restored her
to the ravaged back garden,
1016
01:09:54,695 --> 01:09:57,215
and it was while I stood
with her there
1017
01:09:57,260 --> 01:09:59,455
that the dog next door
1018
01:09:59,495 --> 01:10:03,051
emerged through what remained
of the fence.
1019
01:10:03,094 --> 01:10:06,254
He hung there in the failing
light... half in, half out...
1020
01:10:06,294 --> 01:10:09,192
his attention
flxed warily upon me.
1021
01:10:09,227 --> 01:10:13,555
He was a disreputable,
dirty ragamuffin.
1022
01:10:13,592 --> 01:10:16,321
I smiled at him.
1023
01:10:18,894 --> 01:10:23,588
"Well, there you are, old girl,"
I said to Tulip.
1024
01:10:23,626 --> 01:10:27,080
"Take it or leave it.
It's up to you."
1025
01:10:27,125 --> 01:10:31,081
I knew my intervention
was at an end.
1026
01:10:54,658 --> 01:10:58,250
Tulip gazed at me
in horror and appeal.
1027
01:10:58,291 --> 01:11:00,017
"Heavens," I thought.
1028
01:11:00,056 --> 01:11:03,420
"This is love?
These are the pleasures of sex?"
1029
01:11:04,859 --> 01:11:06,255
It was a full half-hour
1030
01:11:06,290 --> 01:11:11,152
before nature released dusty,
who instantly fled.
1031
01:11:11,188 --> 01:11:12,587
And it was more as though
1032
01:11:12,622 --> 01:11:17,113
she had been freed from
some dire situation of peril
1033
01:11:17,158 --> 01:11:20,180
than from the embraces of love.
1034
01:11:22,789 --> 01:11:25,018
The following day,
a car was summoned
1035
01:11:25,055 --> 01:11:26,920
to take us to the station.
1036
01:11:28,158 --> 01:11:31,144
When all was ready
for immediate departure,
1037
01:11:31,188 --> 01:11:34,746
the engine running,
the car door open,
1038
01:11:34,789 --> 01:11:37,051
I emerged
from the ruined bungalow
1039
01:11:37,089 --> 01:11:38,986
with Tulip on the lead
1040
01:11:39,021 --> 01:11:42,852
and ran the gauntlet of dogs
down the garden path.
1041
01:11:42,889 --> 01:11:47,287
They pursued us in a pack
so far down the country lanes
1042
01:11:47,321 --> 01:11:50,618
that I was suddenly terrified
that the more pertinacious
1043
01:11:50,655 --> 01:11:53,519
would gain the station
and invade the train.
1044
01:11:53,555 --> 01:11:56,453
The scene had the quality
of a nightmare,
1045
01:11:56,488 --> 01:11:59,385
but the car outstripped them all
at last,
1046
01:11:59,420 --> 01:12:02,717
and we got safely away.
1047
01:12:11,186 --> 01:12:14,621
Tulip was not a barren bitch.
1048
01:12:17,252 --> 01:12:19,811
Later on, when she got heavier,
1049
01:12:19,853 --> 01:12:23,410
I set about designing a box
for her.
1050
01:12:26,886 --> 01:12:31,341
I asked miss Canvenini to be
on hand in case we needed her.
1051
01:12:33,719 --> 01:12:37,915
But Tulip took us unawares.
1052
01:12:37,953 --> 01:12:40,884
She whelped five days
before her scheduled time
1053
01:12:40,918 --> 01:12:44,974
and was alone in my flat
when her labor began.
1054
01:12:45,017 --> 01:12:47,110
She was in her box.
1055
01:12:47,153 --> 01:12:49,746
She had understood its purpose
after all.
1056
01:12:49,787 --> 01:12:51,149
She was panting.
1057
01:12:51,185 --> 01:12:53,275
A tiny sound, like
the distant mewing of gulls,
1058
01:12:53,317 --> 01:12:55,250
came from the box.
1059
01:12:55,285 --> 01:12:57,840
I knew that Tulip was glad
that I was there.
1060
01:12:57,884 --> 01:13:01,010
Nevertheless,
I did not approach her.
1061
01:13:01,051 --> 01:13:04,381
I could not see well,
but I knew what was happening.
1062
01:13:04,418 --> 01:13:06,508
And I heard her tongue and teeth
at work.
1063
01:13:06,552 --> 01:13:09,640
She was nosing this package
out of herself,
1064
01:13:09,682 --> 01:13:11,547
severing the umbilical cord,
1065
01:13:11,584 --> 01:13:14,947
releasing the tiny creature
from its tissues,
1066
01:13:14,984 --> 01:13:17,915
and eating up the afterbirth.
1067
01:13:20,150 --> 01:13:23,084
I was in awe
of this beautiful animal.
1068
01:13:23,118 --> 01:13:24,809
In the midst of her life,
1069
01:13:24,849 --> 01:13:27,474
performing unerringly
upon herself
1070
01:13:27,517 --> 01:13:30,571
the delicate and complicated
business of creation,
1071
01:13:30,614 --> 01:13:34,707
as though directed
by some divine wisdom.
1072
01:13:34,748 --> 01:13:38,613
She produced eight puppies
at half-hourly intervals
1073
01:13:38,649 --> 01:13:42,944
and was not done
until evening fell.
1074
01:13:42,981 --> 01:13:47,347
When it was plain
that she had finished,
1075
01:13:47,382 --> 01:13:50,312
I went and kissed her.
1076
01:13:51,448 --> 01:13:54,710
She allowed me
to touch and lift her babies.
1077
01:13:54,748 --> 01:13:56,941
She had complete
confidence in me
1078
01:13:56,982 --> 01:13:59,414
that I would not hurt them.
1079
01:13:59,448 --> 01:14:01,174
It was misplaced.
1080
01:14:03,914 --> 01:14:06,312
As soon
as my common senses returned
1081
01:14:06,348 --> 01:14:07,642
and I envisaged a future
1082
01:14:07,679 --> 01:14:11,442
that contained
eight extra dogs...
1083
01:14:11,480 --> 01:14:13,605
I prepared a bucket of water
1084
01:14:13,647 --> 01:14:15,613
and a flour sack weighted
1085
01:14:15,647 --> 01:14:18,543
with such heavy objects
as I could lay my hands on.
1086
01:14:18,578 --> 01:14:21,704
How could I distract
proud Tulip's attention
1087
01:14:21,747 --> 01:14:25,179
while I carried out
my dark deed?
1088
01:14:27,012 --> 01:14:29,443
Suddenly, she hurried out
into the sitting room,
1089
01:14:29,478 --> 01:14:33,935
as though making for my terrace,
which was her customary latrine.
1090
01:14:37,646 --> 01:14:40,043
For the first time in her life,
1091
01:14:40,079 --> 01:14:43,171
she had deliberately fouled
my flat.
1092
01:14:43,213 --> 01:14:46,700
But I was not thinking of that
as I mopped it all up.
1093
01:14:46,744 --> 01:14:49,039
I was thinking
how sadly bedraggled and thin
1094
01:14:49,077 --> 01:14:50,544
she had appeared
1095
01:14:50,578 --> 01:14:52,840
in the brief glimpse
I had of her.
1096
01:14:52,879 --> 01:14:54,810
The bucket and flour sack
1097
01:14:54,844 --> 01:14:57,867
were fated not to be used
as first intended.
1098
01:14:57,911 --> 01:15:00,775
Though looking back now
over the years,
1099
01:15:00,811 --> 01:15:04,037
it might have been better
if it had been.
1100
01:15:05,977 --> 01:15:08,342
And as I watched upon my terrace
1101
01:15:08,378 --> 01:15:12,172
the unfolding of these
affectionate, helpless lives,
1102
01:15:12,209 --> 01:15:13,607
I hoped to put the creatures
1103
01:15:13,643 --> 01:15:16,766
out among adult, educated,
and prosperous people,
1104
01:15:16,808 --> 01:15:18,673
but my hopes were not realized.
1105
01:15:20,842 --> 01:15:22,933
My landlord, understandably,
1106
01:15:22,976 --> 01:15:26,738
had told me to get my animals or
myself out of the place at once.
1107
01:15:26,776 --> 01:15:31,936
The puppies went one by one
to whomsoever would take them.
1108
01:15:31,976 --> 01:15:34,771
How well did I do for them?
1109
01:15:34,809 --> 01:15:37,570
I did in the end
what I'd meant not to do.
1110
01:15:37,609 --> 01:15:39,303
I'd cast them to fortune.
1111
01:15:39,343 --> 01:15:42,639
I had flown too high.
1112
01:15:42,676 --> 01:15:46,539
Health and happiness
cannot be secured.
1113
01:15:46,575 --> 01:15:49,166
And the only way to avoid
the onus of responsibility
1114
01:15:49,208 --> 01:15:51,138
for the lives of animals
1115
01:15:51,173 --> 01:15:53,437
is never to traffic in them
at all.
1116
01:15:53,474 --> 01:15:55,600
I gave one puppy
to a shopkeeper friend
1117
01:15:55,641 --> 01:15:57,300
who offered to find him a home.
1118
01:15:57,341 --> 01:16:00,397
He was sold over the counter...
to whom, I never discovered.
1119
01:16:00,440 --> 01:16:03,134
What happened to him?
I don't know.
1120
01:16:03,174 --> 01:16:04,902
The owner of one said
it had been too difficult
1121
01:16:04,940 --> 01:16:06,270
to house-train.
1122
01:16:06,307 --> 01:16:09,863
The owner of another, a laborer,
and the last, a drinker,
1123
01:16:09,906 --> 01:16:13,338
spun a long story to account
for its disappearance.
1124
01:16:13,372 --> 01:16:18,237
The impulse to follow up their
small destinies soon weakened.
1125
01:16:18,273 --> 01:16:21,500
Hmm. Better not to know.
1126
01:16:26,038 --> 01:16:28,063
Whatever blunders
I may have committed
1127
01:16:28,106 --> 01:16:31,662
in my management
of my animal's life,
1128
01:16:31,705 --> 01:16:35,638
she lived on
to the great age of 161/2.
1129
01:16:36,105 --> 01:16:40,094
I was a bit drained in spirit
when Tulip came into my hands.
1130
01:16:40,139 --> 01:16:43,798
And the 15 years
she lived with me
1131
01:16:43,838 --> 01:16:47,201
turned into the happiest
of my life.
1132
01:16:47,238 --> 01:16:51,001
She entered my life
when I was quite over 50,
1133
01:16:51,038 --> 01:16:55,297
and she entirely transformed it.
1134
01:16:55,337 --> 01:16:58,532
She offered me what I had never
found in my life with humans...
1135
01:16:58,571 --> 01:17:00,366
constant, single-hearted,
1136
01:17:00,404 --> 01:17:03,529
incorruptible,
uncritical devotion,
1137
01:17:03,572 --> 01:17:07,525
which is in the nature
of dogs to offer.
1138
01:17:07,570 --> 01:17:12,092
She placed herself
entirely under my control.
1139
01:17:12,137 --> 01:17:14,603
Looking at her sometimes
in her later years,
1140
01:17:14,636 --> 01:17:16,627
I used to think
that the ideal friend...
1141
01:17:16,671 --> 01:17:20,761
whom I no longer wanted,
perhaps never wanted...
1142
01:17:20,803 --> 01:17:23,825
would have had the mind
of my Tulip,
1143
01:17:23,868 --> 01:17:26,132
always at one's service
through the devotion
1144
01:17:26,170 --> 01:17:29,431
of a faithful
and uncritical beast.
1145
01:17:29,469 --> 01:17:33,230
Are not all human contacts
based upon one person's wish
1146
01:17:33,268 --> 01:17:36,290
to claim the affairs of another?
1147
01:17:36,334 --> 01:17:37,597
Everyone, it seems,
1148
01:17:37,636 --> 01:17:41,793
wishes everyone else
different from what they are.
1149
01:18:01,501 --> 01:18:04,432
Nancy: Joe!
1150
01:18:04,466 --> 01:18:06,262
Joe!
1151
01:18:06,300 --> 01:18:08,788
Joe!
88205
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