Original subtitles

[ Shower Running ]

[ Man ] This is a man's world

This is a man's world

But it wouldn't mean nothin'

Without a woman or a girl

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Sighs ]

Ready or not, here comes Mama.

And where is the body

[ Saxophone, Drums ]

And where is the body

Move over, Mother

'Cause I'm going faster than you can drive

The body beautiful

Ooh,you are too many things

To die for Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Ahh Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh Body beautiful

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ahh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh I am body beautiful

Beautiful In cha-cha pumps

Comfortable and I'm ready to go I got them on

I work the runway

Left, right, left, right All night long

You better walk I am the one

Ooh There is no other

Oh, ah I am Mother I am body beautiful

[ High-pitched Giggle ]

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh Body beautiful

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh

Be careful, be careful

I am body beautiful

I am grand I am the queen Grand diva, queen bee

I masquerade Who am I

I'm fantasy You're fantasy

I am the house of elegance The whole mansion

Featuring I am body beautiful Body beautiful

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh Ahh, ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh Body beautiful Ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh

Oo-ooh, ooh, ooh-- Ahh--

[ Man Shouting Insult, Indistinct ]

[ Puerto Rican Accent ] Don't throw your mother at me !

Get outta here, freak! Policia!

[ Siren Wailing ] Help !

[ Crowd Cheering, Shouting ] Viva, Vida !

You look bad, girl !

I'm gonna make my lips even more bee-stung.

I'm taking my face to Sweden where I'll win the Nobel Peace Prize.

[ Others Laugh ] There ain't nobody here tonight winnin' Miss Congeniality.

[ Knock At Door ] Ladies, five minutes.

[ Muttering ]

[ Announcer ] New York City!

Pay your hometown girls some homage!

Your... Drag... Queen...

Pageant finalists!

She's all you'd ever want Miss Chita Riviera.

Miss Missy!

Catiria Reyes.

She's got style She's got grace Cappuccino Commotion.

She's a lady Vida Bohemme.

Ooh, she's a lady Noxeema Jackson.

Senorita Chi Chi. [ Howls ]

And the lady is mine Mine all mine

She's never in the way Always something nice to say

What a blessing What a blessing

I can leave her on her own

She's okay alone and there's no messing There's no messing

She's a lady

Oh, oh, oh She's a lady

Talkin'about that little lady

And the lady is mine

Mine all mine

But she never asks for very much

And I don't refuse her

Always treat her with respect I never would abuse her

What she's got is hard to find and I don't want to lose her

Help me build a mountain [ Screaming ]

From a little pile of clay

She's a lady Oh, oh, oh

She's a lady

Talkin'about that little lady

Work it And the lady is mine

Hello, hello, hello !

Good evening.

And here, to present this year's Drag Queen of the Year,

[ Drumroll ] last year's winner.

Put your hands together for...

Miss Rachel Tensions !

[ Cheering, Whistling ]

[ Rachel Laughing ]

Hey ! Hello !

Oh !

Oh, what can I say ?

- [ Cheering Continues ] - My heart is full.

[ Man ] I love you! Oh, thank you.

Oh.

[ Man ] Mama!

[ Laughing Politely ]

[ Kiss, Kiss ]

Well, well, here we all are again.

Another year flies by,

and it's time to crown a new Drag Queen of the Year.

Proof that in New York City,

a thing of beauty is a joy for...

exactly 1 2 months. [ Audience Laughs ]

May I have the envelope, please ?

[ Wolf Whistles, Catcalls ] Mmm, mmm.

I don't know who he is,

but if there's a snowstorm tonight,

he's going on my tires.

[ Applause, Whistles ]

The winner of the Drag Queen of the Year will receive...

an all-expense-paid, round-trip ticket...

to Hollywood, California !

[ Applause ]

Where she can compete in the Drag Queen of America Contest.

[ Applause ]

I'm so excited, I could just spit.

[ Drumroll ] And the winner is--

We have a tie !

Tie ? What she mean ''tie'' ? Oh, my God.

And the winners are... Me.

Miss Noxeema Jackson and Miss Vida Bohemme !

Work the runway. Work it.

Tempus fugit, diva women! Thank you, thank you !

Come, come. [ Wild Cheering, Applause ]

[ Sobbing ]

Now go and scandalize this country, girlfriends.

This land was made for you and her.

[ Tchaikovsky's ''1 8 1 2 Overture'']

Us ? In Hollywood ? This is total glam.

I just hope nobody mistakes us for the Gabors.

We have to be seen at the China Bowl. [ Sobbing ]

We will induce envy and rage !

Oh, that little Latin boy in drag is crying.

Find out why that little Latin boy in drag is crying.

Little Latin boy in drag, why are you crying ?

[ Sniffling ] 'Cause,just 'cause the two of you are so pretty.

That's all. Yes, yes, of course, we're pretty,

but why are you crying ?

Maybe she just found out Menudo broke up.

Now, little one, what is your name ?

It's... Chi Chi. Chi Chi Rodriguez.

What's with the waterworks ?

I just-- I just wanted to win this so much.

'Cause I never won nothin' my whole life. Every time that I do somethin',

I'm getting it wrong and somebody's laughing at me, you know.

[ Giggling ] But maybe I'm gonna meet somebody nice...

who'll take me away and--

Instead of these old men with their greasy bellies and their money...

and their [ Grunts ] and leaving when the time is up.

Because I'm a loser ! No, no, no.

I hate my life. I hate myself. No, Chi Chi !

No. Listen, listen, dear. You are a winner!

You look like--

Well-- You are a winner, and--

Don't be lookin' at me ! Uh-uh-uh. Noxeema.

Don't give me that bleedin'-heart, Sally Struthers look.

Chi Chi, you just sit here.

I am going upstairs to have a talk with Miss Noxeema.

We will be right back.

I'm not goin' upstairs with you.

I ain't drivin'you no more, Miss Daisy.

Noxeema. What ?

We must all help others.

How ? Take her with us to Hollywood.

Say, what ? Take her with us.

- [ Snorts ] Now, how we gonna do that ? - Um--

Sell our plane tickets and the three of us go by bus.

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Not on your young, queer life.

You and your causes ! That child is Latin.

You don't want to be gettin' mixed up in all that Latin mess.

She might be a Sandanista or something.

Noxeema Jackson, I am shocked and a little saddened by you.

You, of all people ! Hon, I remember the first time...

I laid eyes on a certain ebony enchantress in the rough...

and how through styling and the occasional makeup tip,

I helped her look just a little bit less like Moms Mabley.

Moms Mabley ? And who would think...

that ebony enchantress would one day share a title with moi?

On those steps, that dear, little Spanish soul--

working that tired Abbe Lane drag for all it's worth--

is all alone in this world.

And shejust once wants to be special,

to have a moment in the starlight,

to dream of being utterly, utterly fabulous.

It's all in the walk, darling.

Hello. I'm walkin' here. I'm walkin' here.

Now, the China Bowl is the place if you want to make a great entrance.

[ Traffic Noises, Pedestrians Chattering ]

[ Patrons Cheering, Applauding ] [ Man ] Three stunning visions!

If you don't tell us your beauty secrets, we'll hold our breaths.

I cannot be held responsible.

I wish I was as beautiful as you. Oh, honey ! Good luck.

[ Cheering Continues ]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You really like us. I don't believe it !

[ Chi Chi Yelps ]

You like us, you really like us ! [ Man ] Vida ! Vida !

[ Man At Table ] He is bi !

Oh, Vida, Vida, che bellisima, come va ?

Darling, enchantee.

Oh, you spoke French ! How bi !

Look at you ! My little pinata ! [ Laughs ]

Chi Chi,you must meet the only man of money matters, Mr.John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Ay, papi! Ay, tan chulo, mamita! El gusto es mio.

- No, no, el gusto es mio. - No, papito. El gusto es mio, mi amor.

El gusto del susto dejan robusto. Si, pues te ajusto las nalgas--

[ Loudly ] Noxeema, you rememberJohn JacobJingleheimer Schmidt ?

Yes, his name is my name too. Do people always shout ? I hate that.

Look at you. I'm like a compass near north. Congratulations on your victoire.

Thank you. Thank you, darling.

This is why we must talk toJohn Jacob. We have un petite crise.

Crise ? Oh,jamais!

We have decided... We ?

to take our young protege, Miss Chi Chi, to Hollywood with us.

How Three Sisters! How Chekhov.

We ? [John ] What part do I play?

-[ Vida ] Two round-trip tours to L.A. - Have-to-have or have-to-dump ?

- Have-to-dump. - To dump. To dump, to dump, to dump, dump, dump.

- One thousand, hmm ? - That is fabulous. Then, three round-trips to La-La Land.

- One thousand, hmm ? - That is fabulous. Then, three round-trips to La-La Land.

Mode of transportation ? Cheapest.

Mule. Sorry, darling. Forgive me. And 20 acres.

You got her number ! Let's say, bus !

I do not do the bus. No ?

You obviously have me mistaken for Miss Rosa Parks.

Ixnay on the hound. How about chemin de fer? Train.

- Yes. Does it have a club car ? - How much ?

Let's see. Three round-trip tickets. Two adults, one child.

I don't know. Tell me, tell me ! Does it have a club car ?

- Fifteen hundred. - That is totally out of our league.

What else can we do ? On account of your need and unprecedented glamour,

today, you're the lucky winner of--

Can we pay in trade ? Ouch. It's English.

- Noxie. - ''Crazy Elijah. My cars are my children.''

Drop my name, anything on the lot-- $50.

- The problem is solved. John Jacob, as always-- - Are we talking about driving ?

Cherry Lifesaver. All-day sucker.

Are we now having a discussion about driving from New York to Los Angeles ?

[ Squealing ] We will go on ! [ Noxeema Protesting ]

Gotta go. Tempus. [ Vida ] Bye.

I don't know if you've seen America, but it does not respond kindly to our sort.

Oh. No one say anything frivolous. I am having a significant experience.

Whoopee.

Look. Miss Julie Newmar...

has been watching silently over this entire conversation.

And look at her vintage Miss Julie.

She is the perfect, the ultimate-- Oh!

Try to describe her and not use the word ''statuesque. ''

Oh, Miss Julie,you are statuesque, and you were the only Catwoman. Read it!

''To Wong Foo.

Thanks for everything. Julie Newmar.''

Who was Wong Foo ?

- I don't know, but evidently they were close. - Enough. I'm hungry.

We must take this message with us across the land as our sovereign token !

[ Chi Chi ] Relax. It's gonna be all right.

[ Noxeema ] I was in the club car. Now we're talkin'about drivin

Hey, nenitas, look ! Ay, Dios mio! Sensational ! Whoo ! Whoo !

Ay! The seats are like butter !

Now, this is a car. A car ? Mary, Alice, Louise ! No, this is a land yacht.

I used to know a lawyer guy who had a car just like this,

and I said I was gonna have one for myself.

Vida, can we, please ? [ Noxeema ] Oh, but we daren't!

I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield in this car.

Ooh ! Jayne Mansfield. Not a good auto reference. [ Engine Starts ]

[ Crazy Elijah ] Please. It's a wreck. You gotta--

[ Tires Squeal ] It'll never get you to California!

[ All Gasping ] Ay, it's the look !

Noxie, how can you possibly refuse ?

Internal combustion, the ultimate accessory. Ladies, I implore you !

For your own safety, go with the Toyota Corolla.

Pumpkins, it comes down to that age-old decision:

style or substance ?

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Gotta move

Gotta get out

Gotta leave this place

Gotta find someplace

Some other place Some brand-new place

Someplace where each face that I see won't be starin'back at me

Tellin'me what to be and how to be it

Someplace

Where I can just be me

Gotta move

Gotta get out

Let me-- Wejust left Philadelphia, right ?

So the next city is-- Bala-Cynwyd.

Bala-- Bila-- Bala-- Bala-Cynwyd. It's Welsh.

How do you know that ? How'd you know that ?

Believe it or not, it's my hometown. Get out !

Oh, my goodness. I wanna see where she was birthed.

The birthplace of Miss Vida Bohemme. Oh !

There's gotta be a historical marker or somethin' around.

Baby, when I find me that new place

Maybe I'm

Gonna leave this town Gonna leave this place

Gotta find a new man

Gotta move

[ Vida ] Welcome to Bala-Cynwyd.

[ Chi Chi ] It's so beautiful.

[ Vida ] Here's where they asked young Vida...

to stop imitating Esther Williams in Million Dollar Mermaid,

thus marring the Methodists'annual picnic.

[ Chi Chi ] � Ay, Dios mio ! How come you never told us you were rich ?

I'm not rich. My parents are.

You gave all this up. Whoo. There will be...

a barbecue at Twelve Oaks tonight.

We were so poor, my parents got married for the rice. Why did you give this up ?

Vida gave all this up to be Vida. Hello.

Next time you give something like this up, I'll take it.

There, there.

Ay, Mama, esta. Look !

[ Whispering ] Fabulous. Simply fabulous.

Maps are cheating.

Don't do that ! What are you doing ? [ Tires Squeal ]

[ Chi Chi ] Go back !

Oh,Jesus. Vida. Vida. [ Tires Squeal ]

[ Noxeema ] This is unbecoming of a lady.

Fine. How are we gonna know where we're going ?

Instincts. And exquisite wit.

If you're going to become a drag queen, you're gonna have to learn these things.

What do you mean, ''be a drag queen'' ? I am a drag queen.

[ Chuckles ] Child, no, no, no. You are a boy in a dress.

When a straight man puts on a dress and gets his sexual kicks,

he is a transvestite.

When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body...

and has the little operation, he is a transsexual.

- I know that. - When a gay man...

has way too much fashion sense for one gender,

he is... a drag queen.

Thank you. And when a tired little Latin boy puts on a dress,

he is simply a boy in a dress.

[ Laughing ] I'm just a boy in a dress ?

Definitely. Oh, absolutely.

Okay, okay, that does it. I'm history ! [ Brakes Screeching ]

Be careful ! Ay!

I don't need this. Maybe somebody needs this. I don't need that.

Look at her, running like she runnin' cross the border.

The potential of a lifetime, and you are squandering it ! So what do you care ?

You will start off a mere boy in a dress,

but by the time we're done with this crusade,

your Auntie Vida and Auntie Noxie will give you the...

outrageous outlook and indomitable spirit that it will take...

to make you a full-fledged drag queen.

So now, I want you to turn your swayback little self around...

on those... Robert Clergerie knockoffs and get back in this car.

Maybe I'm not just a boy in a dress.

All right. You are... a drag princess.

I could live with that !

I'm a princess. P to the R to the N to the CESS. I'm a princess !

Are you all right ? You gotta like Princess Chi Chi !

Fine and dandy, but you have a lot to learn...

before you become a full-fledged queen, my dear.

Can't I just stay a princess ? They're so much younger !

Does everything have to be a joke with you ? This is not a masquerade !

This is real life. There are steps to becoming a queen.

I'm sorry. How many ?

Four !

There are four steps to becoming a drag queen.

Don't be stingy. What are they ?

Well-- Patience, ma cherie. You will know when you've done them.

That's right. Miss Noxeema, our duchess of protocol, will inform you.

[ Noxeema ] You just hold onto your hot sauce and pay attention.

Auntie Vida's gonna make you a big ol' queen.

God, grant me the serenity to accept being a boy in a dress...

and the courage to change with the fashions and the wisdom to know the difference.

[ Noxeema ] Congratulations, Miss Rodriguez.

That was step number one towards true queenliness.

Ay, Dios mio! Step one already !

[ Noxeema ] Let good thoughts be your sword and shield.

Take a look at yourself What do you see

Really little of mediocrity

No one told you you can't have it all

It's time to act up and have a ball

You got to free yourself

From the chains that bind

From the chains that bind

[ Chi Chi ] I'm so tired, I wish I were dead.

[ Continues ] We all tired, honey.

We're gonna have to stop sometime.

I know, I've just been postponing it.

Stop torturin' us.

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

You know, Budget Hosts are really good. I'm serious.

They let you keep the mints even if you don't stay the whole night.

Please ? It's a Budget Host. I don't know.

It's just so Middle America. Noxie ?

Why don't we just sleep in the car ? Nuh-uh !

Please ! If I don't sleep in a real bed, I'm gonna freak, okay ?

People are gonna be cruel. It could get violent.

We have been there before.

Fine, let's throw you two a pity party, okay ?

Two 'fraidy old ladies. What is she doing now ?

The child is gonna get herself killed. [ Chi Chi Muttering ]

You're gonna end up being second-rate your whole life. Please, come back.

Nuh-uh. I'm not sleeping with the Wicked Witch of the West's toenails in my face.

Chi Chi, please !

[ Catcalls, Wolf Whistles ] [ Man ] Hey, baby!

Take a picture, it will last longer.

We have to go get her. Come on. Let's go. Why do you do this to me ?

A bunch of wet rags ! [ Whispering ] She's crazy. Chi Chi !

We're staying, and I don't want to hear anything about it !

Excuse me. I'm so sorry. I should have met you outside.

That's okay, Mr. Manager. We just got tired so we came in for a little sanctuary.

- Welcome. - Welcome ?

- There's wine and cheese... - I love to be wined and dined.

where you'll meet many of your friends inside.

Friends ? Friends ? Friends ?

Get with the program. No one is so rich as to throw away a friend.

[ Whispering ] I don't understand.

[ Women Chattering ] Basketball ?

Let's go ! Over here !

I'm open. Move the ball around.

[ Noxeema Squealing ]

Oh ! Yea ! [ Referee Whistles ]

Uh. [ Giggles ]

Miss Chi Chi, I must commend you on your entrance into this establishment yesterday.

Ooh ! Absolutely. Step two. Big time.

Halfway towards utter, utter fabulousness.

Mm-hmm. Step two to becoming a queen.

Ignore adversity. Mm-hmm. Toast to Miss Chi Chi.

Uh

Uh, mm-mm

[ Wolf Whistle ]

Oh, she's a brick

House

She's mighty mighty

Just lettin'it all hang out Oh, she's a brick

House

That lady's stacked and that's a fact

Ain't holdin'nothin'back Oh, she's a brick

House

Yeah, she's the one The only one

Built like an Amazon

[ Chi Chi ] ''Lost in the hot embrace of Damien's sinewy bronze flesh,

''Laritza surrendered her body completely, [ Inhales ]

[ Chuckles ] melting with every touch of his insatiable lips.''

Oh, stop. My nerves. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chi Chi ] Hey, mami, where the freak are we ?

[ Noxeema ] The last person I saw didn't have but two teeth,

so I guess... West Virginia.

[ Siren ] What in gay hell ?

What's the matter? This could prove problematic.

The first name on my driver's license is Eugene.

Eugene ?

Yes. Eugene ? Eugene.

Can I see your license ?

Uh, enchanting evening, Officer. What seems to be the problem ?

You've got a taillight out, and I'd like to see your license. Taillight.

Oh ! A taillight ! That is the very least of our problems.

What have you got here ? Hola. Hi.

Um, I was wondering if you could help us.

You see, we are three young career girls from-- Career girls ?

Yes, from New York City, and we are so lost, you cannot believe.

Where do you think we are ?

We're... lost. West Virginia ?

West Virginia ? You're a long way from West Virginia, girls.

Oops.

Well, I was wondering, could you help us find a moderately priced hotel ?

You know, we don't go for that around these parts.

White girls ridin' around with niggers and spicks.

Auntie Vida, talk to the man. You speak honky. Tell him where we're going.

- Sheriff Dullard. - That's Dollard.

I am sorry. My name's Dollard, with an ''O.''

- Well, it says Dullard on your name tag. - Well, it's a misprint !

As I was saying, we are three young career girls-- Mm-hmm.

You're pretty.

Why, thank you.

Step out of the vehicle. The other two stay inside.

[ Softly ] Don't do it. Vida, please be careful.

Don't worry, girls. Get outta the car.

Christ, you're tall. Is this really necessary ?

Where's your license at ?

Come with me to my car. Come on. [ Moans ]

You stay in the vehicle.

Officer, if I could just explain. You see--

Um, my license and name-- Don't worry about your license.

Don't worry ? Nah.

I think maybe he's prejudiced.

I bet you were the brightest in your class, weren't you ?

What are you doing ? Give me a kiss.

No, no, no, no ! Please ! Oh, come on. I know what you want.

You know what you career girls want ? Careers ?

Same thing as every girl wants. No, no, no. Please don't do this.

Please, no. Please, no ! Give daddy some sugar.

Please, no. When a lady says no, she means--

[ In Male Voice ] Get your hand off my dick, buddy!

- [ Grunts ] - [ Chi Chi Gasps ]

[ Reverts To Female Voice ] Sheriff Dullard ?

Sh-Sheriff Dullard ?

Noxie, oh, no. Noxie !

Vida ! Don't go out there !

What is goin' on ? I think he's dead.

[ Chi Chi ] Don't leave me. What !

I think I killed him. Why is he on the ground ?

Are you sure ? Oh, no, please. Don't go over there.

Then how do you know he's dead ? I'm not sure. I just--

You see, he had his hand up my dress-- Up your dress !

Feeling you up ? Trying to have his way with me.

Up your dress ? How do you know he's dead ?

[ Arguing ] I can't deal with this.

If you want to know, you go check !

You're not gonna get attitude with me ! Let me check.

This is because of you ! I knew this accountant who died on me.

I can't believe this.

Mamis, don't quote me, but I think this one is deceased.

Oh, my God. Oh, what are we gonna do ?

A dead white policeman ? Sh-Should we blow ?

Yes, yes ! Two words: Buh-low. Chi Chi, come on.

Let's go. We don't have time for that.

Don't leave me here with this dead man ! I'll get his cooties !

[ Noxeema ] You get yourself in this car right now !

[ All Chattering Frantically ]

[ Chi Chi ] What are we gonna do now ?

Oh.

Lovely night. Look at those stars.

Come on. Jealous. Ow. Use your muscles.

[ Engine Doesn't Start ]

[ Engine Fails Again ]

Oh, no. It isn't ? [ Engine Sputters ]

Almost. Pl-Please.

Now we're stuck here forever. I knew it.

See, right now I could be in a comfortable, climate-controlled environment...

on a transcontinental airline,

enjoying my individual package of peanuts...

and my little complimentary warm towel,

if it wasn't for the little Hispanic rent-a-tart.

I didn't ask to come on this trip, did I ?

No, I don't think so.

Did I ask you to be makin' me over andjump all kinds ofhoops like some poodle ?

No, I don't think so. Do I want to go to jail because of some cop-killer ?

No, I don't think so. So as soon as we get to the next town,

I'm jumping on the first man and I'm riding him all the way to New York City...

and away from you two stuck-up putas, 'cause this trip sucks !

It sucks ! After all we have done...

to include you, you would leave us so quickly ?

Like that.

All right. Since you have learned absolutely nothing,

I am hereby stripping you of all your princess points.

- Ooh, that's voodoo. Let's go. - You can't do that !

Noxeema and I decided to take pity on this poor little Latin boy in drag...

Excuse me ? Excuse me ? and bring her along--

''Noxie and I'' ? Did I hear ''Noxie and I'' ?

No, no, no, no. ''Noxie and I'' didn't decide anything.

Noxie got dragged into this by you!

What about the two of you leaving poor Miss Vida at-- at-- at--

the hands of this-- this possibly dead Sheriff Dullard ?

And you stayed stuck in this car like MaryJo Kopechne! Huh-uh.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, dear and oft-thanked Wong Foo, it's not that I'm asking for help.

I am not that presumptuous. But if something-- anything--

Maybe if somebody gave me back my princess points,

I would do the hitchhiking thing and get us a ride. [ Starter Cranking ]

How you gonna hitchhike if there are no cars, stupid ?

You don't know me very well, Creepela.

I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe. I got more legs than a bucket of chicken.

[ Muttering In Spanish ] [ Engine Fails Again ]

She's going to get kidnapped by some mountain man, and we will have to rescue her.

Why's she always gotta have the last word, huh ?

[ Truck Approaching ]

You need a ride ? Si, yeah.

You know, our car, she died over there.

I just need to pick up my friends, all right ?

[ Truck Radio Playing ] Hop in.

Get inside, perras. I got us a ride to Spidersville.

That's Snydersville.

Oh, thank you, Wong Foo.

[ Radio Continues ]

Oh. Hi. Hi.

Thank you.

[ Engine Starting ]

Well, ladies, welcome to Snydersville.

Thank you.

Virgil!

Okay. Carol Ann!

[ Whistles ]

Virgil ? Carol Ann ?

And you thought the Dust Bowl was over ? Shh.

Bobby Ray, is that you ?

It sure is. Look, we come over to Virgil's. Is he in ?

[ Shouting ] Virgil ! It's Bobby Ray. You in ?

[ Virgil ] No. He's in.

Tell him that we got a big Cadillac broke down up side the road.

[ Carol Ann Shouting ] Got a big Cadillac broke down up side the road.

So ? He'll be right down.

Okay. This is it.

Uh, here, you got your bathroom.

You got towels. If you want anything, you just holler.

We'll put your bags in the hallway. Overhead light.

Huh-uh. Go get it.

That's not the look. No.

Well, you girls all did want to be in the same room.

Do you, by chance, have a room that's possibly more inhabitable ?

This is the presidential suite.

Must have been one of those bad presidents.

You seem a little tired, so I'll leave you be here.

Car'll most likely be ready tomorrow. It's only for one night.

Excuse me-- There is... no toilet.

You know what I think ? The last black person to stay here...

was Sam Cooke.

''The saints must despise me, for I am doomed.

I fear to spend the rest of my days in this miserable cell.''

Ay, bendito. ''The rest of her days.

[ Hums Fanfare ] ''Suddenly, from out of the darkness,

''came evidence to the contrary.

''By the sword of my father and his father,

I,Juan Carlos de la Noche, will rescue Princess Laritza--''

I think tomorrow I'll wear a say-something hat.

I think tomorrow is a say-something hat day.

''I am here to save you, Princess Laritza. I thank the heavens.

You are my knight in shining armor. '' [ Continues, Mumbling ]

[ Inhales ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

Why do I feel like I'm in the Tournament of Roses Parade ?

Because you're as big as a float ?

Your mother. Thank you. Okay.

As soon as I get to a town with a bus, I'm outta here.

Howdy, y'all. Hello.

For girls, they're sure strong and big !

Vernell? Virgil.

Oh, uh-- Virgil. So, how long will she take to fix ?

All of five minutes.

Oh, my goodness, thank you. That'll work.

When I get the part.

See, I don't have any Cadillac parts, especially any old parts.

But I can order it, and you'll have it Monday. Monday !

Monday ! It's Saturday. What are we supposed to do 'til Monday ?

You just gotta wait. [ Noxeema ] Wait ?

No, no, no, no. Excuse me, mister--

[ All Chattering Indignantly ]

Ladies. You're just gonna have to wait.

M-Maybe Virgil can get in touch with his--

[ Chuckles ] Carol Ann.

Excuse me. Oooh.

So what're we gonna do now, Miss Fix-it-all, Know-it-all ?

Hello. What're we gonna do, baby ?

Evidently, we will have to stay 'til Monday...

and get to know this lovely town and its inhabitants.

Excuse me. What are you gawking at ?

[ All Chuckling ] What are you gonna do about it ?

Uh-- Nothing.

I love roughnecks. If I was your bread, would you be my butter ?

[ Noxeema ] This is my idea ofhell!

[ Whispering ] Careful. Who is their art director ? Ma Joad ?

We will make the most of it. Watch.

Pardon me, kind sirs. Pardon me. Thank you.

Uh, hello. My name is Vida Bohemme, of the Manhattan Bohemmes ?

And, uh, my traveling companions and I,

uh, will be staying in your fair hamlet for the weekend.

And we were wondering if maybe there were some...

historical points of interest that we should not miss ?

Oh. She can't hear. She don't talk.

She's just a little, you know--

Oh. Oh.

There's nothin' interesting around here for you. You're from New York City and all.

But we'll try to be, uh, accommodating.

Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, thank you. [ Chuckles Uneasily ]

Pardon me.

Let's just all suck it up and make this place tolerable, okay?

Now, ready ? Operation Decorator Storm.

Wonder Woman Wonder Woman

All the world is waiting for you

And the power you possess

In your satin tights Fighting for your rights

And the old red, white and blue

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

You're a wonder Wonder Woman

That's him ! Geez.

This guy's livin'. You think ?

Sheriff Dullard ! Sheriff Dullard !

Dollard here. But it says ''Dullard'' on your badge.

It's a misprint. Sheriff, what happened ?

I was attacked.

[ Woman ] Hello, Loretta. Hello.

Alcoholic. Low self-esteem.

Her daddy used to call her Baby Ugly !

She took to the bottle just as soon as she could swallow. [ All Sigh ]

[ Whispering ] Over there. Her and her husband ain't had sex for seven years.

And another mess is the youngest of the Budd family that runs the clothing store.

Poor thing, he's got a sad little st-t-t-t.

A stutter. It would bring a tear to your eye.

Then there's Clara.

Poor thing. You can say anything. She don't hear ya.

She can't hear you ? Your stockings are falling down !

[ Laughing ] You know, there's no medical reason.

Ever since her husband lost the movie theater business and run off with that lady--

what do you call it-- film distributor.

That over there is JimmyJoe, who runs the restaurant for me.

He is the nicest colored man you'd ever want to meet.

Mm. Wha-- Robert Mitchum ?

Yoo-hoo ! You forgot something.

Hello ? Excuse me.

You forgot your picture.

I picked it up because I didn't want it to get dirty.

Oh no, girlfriend, did you just do a U-ie ?

Girl, I'm a-comin'.

I'm a-comin' !

I'm gonna get you. Honey, I'm just tryin' to give back your picture.

Oh. Ow. Oh. I don't find this funny anymore.

Sheriff Dollard, we've read your filed report...

regarding the assault in the back roads of your jurisdiction,

and there are a few questions that we should ask before we pursue this case.

First off, with regards to the assailant,

are we correct in summarizing, if we can clarify matters, by saying that...

[ Snickering ] you got beat up by a girl ?

[ All Laughing ]

They were not girls.

They were boys and there were three of them and one of them was black.

[ Laughing ]

Uh, may we see exhibit A, please ?

Exhibit A. Found at the scene of the crime.

All right ! They were dressed up like girls, but they were boys !

[ Laughter Resumes ]

You sons of bitches. Don't laugh at me !

I was just attacked by perverts !

And if you aren't gonna do something about it, I will.

Mrs. Dollard-- [ Others Laugh ]

Give me the shoe. Mrs. Dollard !

Shut up ! Just shut up !

I'm gonna bring back three corpses here.

And when you look up their dresses,

if you don't find something you shouldn't find,

I don't know what.

[ Laughter ]

I was a Fresh-Air Fund kid, and they used to take us troubled children...

out into the country for picnics.

I didn't know it was gonna be a party.

I would have dressed for it. Licorice, anyone ?

I guess it's gonna be a poker party.

You got all your players. You don't need me.

Looksies, no feelsies.

Anybody read any good books lately ?

[ Truck Horn Honks ]

Come on !

That's how you pick up a lady.

Carol Ann, darling, I think we're going to need more towels.

Can you believe we've gone through 1 4 ? You know, girl stuff.

Hon, are you crying ? Oh, no, just chopping onions.

Oh. T.V.W.: the very worst.

Household hint, if I may ? Put these on, and it will shield your eyes.

No ! Don't. Oh !

Oh, darling, what happened ? Nothing.

You are going to have a shiner. You better put a steak on that thing.

No, these boxes dropped on me from that closet up there.

And, uh, anyway, I gotta get this dinner ready.

Oh !

Oh, may I ? What's that ?

Just a little spice. Oh !

No, don't ! No ! Don't !

Oh, my. We don't use spices here.

I am sorry. I-I'm just pushy. Virgil does not like it.

Virgil does like his way, doesn't he ?

You're very, uh... observant.

As a matter of fact,

I can't help but observe right now...

that there are no chopped onions anywhere.

I think that maybe you'd better just let me finish this alone.

Surely.

Oh, and the box in the closet-- good one, darling.

I used to tell people that when my father would call me cruel names,

it was just because of his sense of humor.

If you need more towels, you'll find them in the closet...

down at the end of the hallway.

Hello. I brought your picture back.

You dropped it earlier, and--

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Ah.

Wow. Miss Thing got some stuff in here.

Mind if I sit ?

Ohh.

Ooh !

That little run you took me on really took a lot out of me.

[ Exhales ] Not that I'm not in shape or anything, but--

Those boys didn't hurt you, did they, Miss Chi Chi ?

Just a little bit, papi.

Nothing time won't heal, thank you.

My God, look at your eyes. They're as blue as window cleaner, Bobby Lee.

That's Bobby Ray. Bobby Lee's a girl.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, sorry. Is that your girlfriend ?

No. I don't got one of those.

Girlfriend, I mean. I got a name, Bobby Ray, but you know that.

Oh ! I'm sorry.

They have a mind of their own, you know.

Oh, my goodness.

God, that was so brave, what you did back over there.

Aw. No, really.

You were just like a regular knight in shining pickup truck !

Stop it. No, really. What time are you--

Ay, Bobby ! Oh, my God.

Ohh!

That's so romantical.

Oh, God.

I don't have the words.

Uh, well, don't cry, Miss Chi Chi.

Please don't cry.

Miss Chi Chi, if you were my girl,

you'd never cry for anything.

Except maybe from happiness.

You said a mouthful.

Let's go.

Don't think that I can't see you, Miss Bobby Lee.

Come, come.

So you are Virgil and Carol Ann's eldest, am I right ?

Yeah. How did you know ?

I'm the eldest in my family too.

Wow. I picked these for your mom.

They only grow in darkness and dank.

Oh, but, sweetness, how they blossom.

You know a lot.

Oh, please. [ Chuckles ]

I guess it's all on account of what you really are.

'Cause Bobby Ray told me what you really are.

He did ? Yeah.

You're a career girl.

Ohh ! Yes, yes. [ Laughs ]

I'll never be like that.

Oh, no, you can be anything you want. It's--

[ Inhales ] You just imagine good things happening...

and you make them happen.

Oh. Well.

What if what I want to imagine is a boy I want to go out with ?

You might want to set your sights a tiny bit higher.

Just to start, and then I'll work on the career girl stuff?

Well--

[ Noxeema ] Miss Vida seems to think that I don't have a dream.

I'm not Martin Luther King! I don't need a dream. I have a plan.

You know, I'm gonna tell you what it is,

because instinctively, I knew I could trust you.

Being that you're not a big talker and everything.

My plan is that while in Hollywood,

I will be approached by an eminent producer--

at the Ivy, no doubt--

to star in the lush film version...

of the life of Miss Dorothy Dandridge !

Oh,yes.

That noble blacktress-- who never played domestic help--

and then whose career was crushed by the white Hollywood machine.

Homegirl ended up dying penniless.

I can remember almost everything she's ever done.

From Serenade Sun Valley to, um, Bahama Passage.

Ooh, gorgeous performance in there.

And then after that was Hit Parade of'43.

Drums of the Congo. No, no, no.

Drums of the Congo. Then Hit Parade of'43.

Then, between that and Carmen Jones, she did something--

Road. Road. Road. The Bright Road.

Thank you. Carmen Jones. And then Island in the Sun.

And of course, her costar in Carmen Jones...

was the remarkable Miss Pearl Bailey,

whose birthday, I think, should be a national bankin' holiday, and--

Did you say something ?

Hmm. Carmen Jones. Then Island in the Sun.

Then Decks Ran Red.

Then-- oh, yes-- Porgy and Bess.

Oh, spectacular ! Then there was, uh, uh--

Tamango. Tamango.

Malaga. Malaga.

Honey, when did you start talkin' ?

You wanna try Lena Horne ?

Go, girl.

Feature debut, 1 942.

[ Together] Panama Hattie!

[ Laughs ] That's wonderful !

That is just wonderful.

You're not gonna start walkin' across water...

and makin' the blind see, are you ?

You put spices in here.

Some fell in. I scooped 'em out.

You do this to make me mad.

Why do you wanna make me mad ? I scooped 'em out.

What are you arguin' with me for ? Do you want me to hit ya ?

Ha !

Take 'em out.

[ Police Radio, Indistinct ]

Uh,JimmyJay ? Joe.

Uh,JimmyJay ? Joe.

Oh,JoeJay, um-- JimmyJoe. JimmyJoe.

Can we have one ladies'cocktail and a Shirley Temple. Clara !

Hey, girls. Sit here.

Hi, I'm Noxeema. How do you do ?

Noxeema Jackson. Noxeema ?

Mm-hmm. Jesse's daughter.

So, Beatrice, what are we working on ?

We are working on decorations for the Strawberry Social.

Strawberry Social ? It's the biggest thing in these parts.

We all make strawberry pies, you see, we take 'em into the center of town.

Then we eat the strawberry pies... and then we go home.

[Jukebox.Ballad ]

Oh, l-lovely. Un fete champetre. [ Giggles ]

Uh, may I ? Oh, please.

So, is there music and dancing and--

We used to have a hollerin'contest,

but some people don't care for that.

We give out ribbons for the best strawberry pie.

This party craves a theme. What do strawberries say to anyone here ?

Hmm ? Well, um--

Strawberries are red.

Good, um... that's a start.

Wild strawberries. Yes, wonderful.

Red and wild. That's your theme. [ Beatrice ] What ?

[ Vida ] Red and wild is our theme.

You know what we should have today ?

- A day with the girls. - A day with the girls.

We have got to finish these posters, and somebody has to drive me to Greenville.

I've always dreamed ofhaving a day with the girls,

like in New York high society.

Merna, what's a day with the girls ?

Well, Katina, um-- Well, first you do volunteer work.

And then you get your hair done and you pick out a new outfit.

And then, uh, you go sit in a cafe and talk.

I've never heard that expression before.

I'm Merna, by the way. I run the local beauty parlor.

Beauty parlor ?

Well, here-- here it is.

Ohhh !

Ohhh !

[ Gasps ]

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Boys Whistling, Taunting ]

It's like living in a Tex Avery cartoon.

I think we should just ignore them.

Here she comes. Look at her.

- Oh, no, no, Noxie, please. - What's all this noise ?

Oh, baby ! You are a whole lot of woman.

Oh, yes, I know what you need.

I hardly think you're the man to give it to me.

[ Laughter] Oh, no !

[ Muttering ] Uh-huh.

Thank you.

I think you should apologize to me.

[ Laughing ]

And I also think you should apologize to those ladies over there.

I ain't apologizin' to no ladies.

No way. Uh-uh !

Just as I expected. Well, do you like my nails ?

- Owww ! - [ Gasps ]

[ Groaning ] Walk.

What can I say ? She's had a difficult life.

What did you say your name was ? [ Groaning ]

Your name. Tommy.

Tommy ! Tommy ! Well, Tommy,

this is Miss Vida and Miss Clara.

And this is Miss Katina and Miss Merna.

Miss Loretta and, of course, Miss Little Bobby Lee.

Now, Tommy, when you encounter such gorgeous ladies,

the correct way to greet them is to say,

''Good afternoon, ladies.''

Can you say that, Tommy?

Ohhh ! Good afternoon, ladies.

Unless, of course, it's the evening, and then you say what ?

Ohhh ! Good evening, ladies.

Now, go home, take a bath, comb your hair...

and please, put on a clean shirt when you step outside your door.

It's an affront to the very delicacy of my nature.

[ Groaning ]

Miss Clara.

[ Women Muttering ]

[ Sighs ] You just gotta know how to talk to people.

And four... and a-five...

and a-six... and a-seven...

and a-eight.

Children, and one, plie on two.

And three, open knees, four.

- [ Door Opens ] - Come, come, come.

Hello, you handsome thing.

All right. Oh, slightly blue-collar. No. No. No.

We just ha-have wh-what's on the f-floor.

[ Sighs ] I don't think we're gonna have much luck.

[ Vida Chuckles ] It is looking somewhat serious.

[ Noxeema Screams ] Ohh! Oh, my-- Oh, my God!

- Noxie, what ? Speak to me. - Oh ! Uh, th-- Oh, oh !

[ Women Chattering ] Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! I can't believe it !

Oh ! Look ! They're from the '60s.

[ Women Gasping ]

There's a whole bunch of them over here!

Th-Th-That's just s-stuff my grandma bought when she opened it.

It never s-s-s-sold, and she never s-s-sent it back.

And we were gonna g-give it to the Good-Good-Good--

Oh, this one's definitely not-- Good-Good-Good--

- Can you believe ? - Good-Good-Good--

Oh, my God, look at this ! Oh, look, look !

Ooh, Miss Clara, honey, we gonna make you look like Emma Peel ! Sorry.

Goodwill.

- [ Shrieking ] - Oh, yes, for me !

No, no, no, no, no. This is mine.

Oh, this is fringe, honey. Oh ! I think I'm gonna black out.

Another town, another place

A little neighbor leaves a spread on my face

Well, lace underwear

I do my nails

Make up my eyes and I tease out my hair

I get my pumps and I put on some hose Good afternoon.

Dress up my clothes and I'll leave you alone

It makes me feel so mighty real

Run in my stockings Hey, it ain't no big deal

Turn it out You've got to turn it out

[ Continues ] This book has been sort of a--

a bible for me, and, well, here.

D-D. V. ?

A-A-Autobiography of D-Diana V-V-Vreeland?

Uh-huh. And I-I-I-I-I should read this ?

Oh, hon, you should commit sections to memory.

Ooh, check yourself, Loretta... before you wreck yourself.

Turn up the runner while I powder my nose

Turn on the spotlight Gonna strike up a pose

Well, the savoir faire My derriere

[ Laughing ] I'll let you out and not get you back

Yeah, turn it out You've got to turn it out

Lookin'like a luminary extraordinary singer

Actin' real proud of yourself, like a New York City girl, huh ?

God, it's still too spicy !

I scooped 'em out. Hey, don't argue with me.

No, I'm not ! 'Cause if you argue with me, you're gonna lose !

I am not arguing with you. It's too goddamn hot !

[ Noxeema ] Eartha... [ Purrs ] Miss Kitt to you.

Dinah Washington ? Sittin'on a shelf gettin'all dusty!

Honey, we should play these. The air should be filled with music.

Ooh ! [ Sighs ]

[ Eartha Kitt Singing In French ]

Here, put this on. Oh, no.

Why ? No, no, I can't do that. It's too big.

Honey, it can never be too big. Come on. No.

Dance with me.

[ Muttering ] [ Laughs ]

[ Continues ] ''That season we were loaded with pizazz.

''Earrings of fuchsia and peach.

''Mind you, peach.

''And hats. Hats, hats, hats.

''Hats for career girls.

How I adored Paris.''

Oh,JimmyJoe, this is not just a restaurant anymore.

You have turned it into a-- a lovely cafe.

[ Chuckles ] Cafe. Cafe.

Now what you do is slap a dollar surcharge on every bill out here--

Paid for. Thank you mightily, Miss Vida.

I've got a secret romance. Couldn't you just lose it ?

To say the least.

I've got a secret romance too.

Oh, shut up. For real?

And this secret romance is very handsome, I hear. Miss Vida.

Oh, mine too. What a ''coinky-dinky.'' And he's so sweet.

Oh, mine too, and, oh, he's so strong.

Ay, m'hija, let me tell you. My papi is built like a brick--

Let's go, Miss Chi Chi. Ow ! I broke my foot ! What's the matter with you ?

Now, Bobby Lee, listen. The way to make things happen is imagine.

Imagine.

[ Eartha Kitt ] Doesn't have to be

Imagine. Aprince or movie star

A Texas oil man or a French marquis

Doesn't have to be

[ Sighs ] Handsome as a picture

[ Sobbing ] An ordinary guy's all right with me

[ Singing In French ]

[ Vida ] Oh, Carol Ann, what on earth ?

[ Crying ] Oh, I'm just so clumsy. I mean--

Oh, Virgil yelled at me, and then he called out to me.

And then, well, I just spilt the stew.

Hon, do you, like, ever not cry in this room ?

[ Laughter, Chattering ]

[ Laughter, Chattering ]

[ Noxeema ] Mmm ! Guess what I see.

[ Carol Ann ] I spy with my little eye.

What is this ? Somebody's comin' courtin'.

Oh, Miss Vida ! I just kept thinkin' it was happenin'.

I imagined just like you said.

Is that who you have your little brown roots set on ?

- Yeah. - Shush.

No, mamita, please.

Evenin', ladies.

Good evening, Bobby Ray. Buenas noches.

I, uh, come to ask somebody out to the sociable.

Well, I declare. I declare.

- I declare. - I decline.

[ Chuckles ] Well, uh, it's tomorrow afternoon, so I best be askin'.

Uh... [ Clears Throat ]

Bobby Lee ?

Yes, Bobby Ray ?

Could you do me a favor and take the little ones inside ?

I think I need to talk to Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez in private.

Oh, Bobby Lee, mamita, don't be so sensitive !

Bobby Lee ! She's so sensitive. It's not the way of the world.

[ Chi Chi ] I didn't know this was gonna happen. I can't--

Uh, Miss Chi Chi?

Would you come back in an hour ? Uh--

Oh,just-- Shh. Just say yes, okay ?

It's absolutely out of the question.

[ Chi Chi ] Well, says you. I'm going, and you can't stop me.

Darling, you most certainly will not be going out with Mr. Bobby Ray.

Well, why not ? We got a lot in common.

Like for starters, the same business between your legs.

Boinky-boinky, boink-boink-boink.

And if he ever gets a whiff of your wiles-- Oh, here we go again.

It's the ''Why I'm Always Right And You're Wrong'' song...

sung by Her Lonely ''Breastesess'' herself.

Let me ask you, Vida, what do you know about relationships ?

Who loves you, baby ? Oh, be quiet, Chi Chi. You're deluding yourself.

Nobody, that's who. Not even your rich mommy and daddy. Okay ?

Oh ! Oh, I know what this is about. This is about jealousy.

You're jealous 'cause I'm going out with a cute boy and you ain't. Hello, good-bye !

You are deceiving that child. That boy does not know which end is up,

and you know for a fact that Miss Bobby Lee is in love with him.

So what ? So what if she is ?

Maybe I want to get a little something out of this. What's wrong with that ?

Miss Girl is dealing with some demons over there.

And I will not allow you to play games with other people. Allow ? Allow ?

There are human rules by which we operate, sweetheart.

You know, I'm just so sick and tired of this freakazoid white lady...

tellin' the black lady and the Latin lady which way is up, down and under.

You can laugh all you want, but I hope you pack and fix that Cadillac, 'cause I'm staying.

You're stayin', huh ? Well, all right, Miss Jennifer Holliday.

[ Chuckling ] You go ahead and stay. Don't forget to write.

Oh, Noxie, she truly does have a pinata for a head.

Don't go there, Vida. Well, she certainly is an oppressive gringa with a pinga.

And you are a puta Spanish fly. Don't go there.

And you are an uptight cellulite dinosaur fossil-faced white honky cracker witch !

Now you listen to me, you little swayback, Third World,

She went there. selfish, self-absorbed piece of street trash!

Selfish ? You're the selfish one !

Running into people's houses and bossing their lives around with them not even asking you !

- Mrs. Dear Ann Landers, pain in my culo-- - How dare you think that--

- Mrs. Dear Ann Landers, pain in my culo-- - How dare you think that--

[ Arguing, Clattering ] What's that noise ?

You wanna know what that noise is ? D-Did you hear ?

That's you running into everybody's house-- Shut up, Chi Chi !

When I look at you, it makes me wanna throw up,

and your mother's waiting to lick it up.

- Virgil's beating up Carol Ann. - Most likely.

Well, we have to help her.

Well, we have to help her.

Oh, no, no, no. See, Vida, there are times when you help people,

and then there are times when if you help people, you end up being killed.

So you don't help people !

Well, she trusts me, and I trust her.

Honey, there's a fine line between trust and stupidity.

And there are some people you don't trust,

because they will use it to stab you in the ribs.

I thought you had learned more than this, Noxeema.

I thought you had learned to mind your own business.

What is going on upstairs has nothing to do with you. Nothing.

You deal with what's going on right here, right now.

Mami, save it. Everybody's business is her business, remember ?

[ Noxeema ] You go ahead, girl. You're gonna get screwed.

Vida, you're not a queen 'cause you rule people or you sit on a throne.

You're a queen 'cause you couldn't cut it as a man, so you had to put on a dress.

What did you say ? You heard me.

I've had quite enough--

[ Shouting, Clattering ]

- [ Crying ] - What the hell?

Oh, Vida, it's okay. Carol Ann ?

No, no, no. I'm sorry, but I cannot take this anymore.

Noxie, would you take care of Miss Carol Ann ?

Virgil and I have something we must discuss.

So, Virgil, I gather you like hitting ladies.

Some ladies need to get hit.

Uh-huh. Then, conversely, some men need to be hit back.

Ohhh !

Ahhh !

Oh, God, oh, God, no! Virgil's gonna hurt Vida so bad.

Carol Ann, there's something you should know about Vida, mami.

Well-- [ Glass Shattering ]

Vida works out. Vida works out, yeah.

A lot.

[ Horns Honking ]

All right, move ahead.

All right, go ahead.

Move on.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, man ! Sometimes I think we should just get rid of all the men.

[ Vida Stammering ] Oh, well, not all of-- the s-- them are bad.

No, no, we're just gonna get rid of all the men.

[ Noxeema ] Uh-uh, honey. You'rejust post-traumatized battery--

Well, well, maybe Mister Rogers.

I mean, he does seem sensitive.

[ Chuckling ] Well, Mel Gibson.

I mean, he has a cute can. Oh, please.

Yeah, and he can stay, but he's not allowed to think or speak.

Psst.

Shhh.

[ Quiet Chuckle ]

Oh, my goodness. You're always on time, aren't you ?

And twice as sweet, as usual.

I guess you're never gonna disappoint me, huh ?

How could I disappoint you ? I'm your knight in shining green pickup truck, remember.

Of course I remember. My knight in shining-- whatever that was.

Oh, God, it's so beautiful out tonight, isn't it ?

Yeah.

You know, my whole life I've always wanted someone...

who would understand how I felt inside,

and someone who would hold me for always.

And then you showed up, and you were it.

You made me feel like the most perfect girl.

I don't have to do that. You are the perfect girl.

Sorry, no. No, I mean it. I mean, you're beautiful.

Please. You've got class. You got glamour.

Oh, shut up. You're exotic.

Stop.

Oh, don't stop.

And there's-- there's somethin' about the way that you talk.

You know, like no nonsense.

Like, oh, you'd never lie to me, you know.

You'd never keep a secret from me.

No, I-I really respect that. I-I do.

What is it ?

What did I say ?

Oh, it's-- Oh.

If you really love someone, you could keep one big secret from them. � Verdad ?

No. No ?

I really feel that if you love somebody with all of your heart,

then you could never keep a secret from them.

You couldn't even sit on one little teeny lie ?

No. No ?

No matter how big or how small.

Tsk.

[ Sighs ]

[ Carol Ann ] Okay, so we're saving Mel Gibson--

[ Vida ] Mmm, but with a gag.

[ Carol Ann ] Right. Mister Rogers, Keanu Reeves, Denzel Washington.

[ Noxeema ] With the pelican briefs.

And Bobby Ray.

Yeah,you mustn't forget about Bobby Ray.

Listen, Bobby Lee, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately,

and I don't want Bobby Ray, you know, 'cause he's such a local, right ?

So go ahead. You could-- You could have him.

Just take him. He's yours, baby. Go ahead, take him.

Good for you.

- Chi Chi ? - What ?

That was so very generous of you putting someone else's needs before your own.

[ Vida ] It was special.

It was step three.

Mmm. Mmm. Absolutely step three:

''Abide by the rules of love.''

[ Noxeema ] Utterly, utterly fabulous.

Sit here. [ Carol Ann ] Here, honey.

Chi Chi?

I am so very sorry that... I called you...

a swayback, Third World, little whatever.

I didn't mean it.

Oh, it's all right, baby. I deserved it.

And I'm sorry I called you a dinosaur, cellulite,

white trash, farty old white woman.

[ Laughing ]

Forgiven ? Forgiven.

You are lovely.

You're too much.

Are you serious about Bobby Ray, Miss Chi Chi ?

Baby, you could have him. I got a million dream lovers, all right.

I've got a broken heart for every light on Broadway.

When one of them goes out, I just screw in another one. Hello, good-bye !

[ Movie Theme ]

[ Movie Theme ]

I think I see him.

No. Oh, Moses !

I have lived in apartments that weren't half as big as these pores.

Oh, let's stay positive.

Bobby Lee, you just ignore your old Auntie Noxie...

and look at that videotape over there. I know, I know.

That is Miss Anne Baxter in The Ten Commandments, and those are the moves.

[ Noxeema ] All right, let's see. Uh-uh, she needs more lips.

I can't. You can and you will, darling.

But I'm not Miss Anne Baxter in The Ten Commandments.

No one is asking you to be.

You just take her strength, her mystery, her moves, and you find your own.

Uh-uh-uh. Look, honey, if you want them to know there is steak for dinner,

you've got to let 'em hear it sizzle.

Mm-hmm. Understand ?

Yeah. All right.

Thanks. Best of luck.

Oh, Chi Chi, he won't like me.

Oh, baby, trust me, he's gonna love you, all right ?

'Cause, baby, you got the look, mami. You certainly do.

And do the eyes thing I taught you, all right ?

That's right. And be honest with him.

All right ? He deserves that.

Okay. All right.

Thanks. I gotta go.

Okay. I got cramps.

Mama.

[ Footsteps ] [ Clears Throat, Sighs ]

[ Bobby Ray ] Chi Chi?

Bobby Ray, come here.

Hello ?

[ Chuckles ] Oh... hello.

Bobby Lee ?

Roberta.

Oh, Roberta.

Wow ! You really look pretty.

Sure is a pretty dress you're wearing.

[ Chuckles ] Oh... this old thing ?

Well, Roberta... would you, um--

Wow ! You really look good in that dress.

Oh, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray.

Would you like to dance with me ?

Hold me, hold me Miss Beatrice ?

Never let me go I've waited 23 years to ask you this.

Until you've told me May I have this dance ?

Oh, my gracious ! Told me What I want to know

And then just hold me

Hold me

Make me tell you I'm in love with you

Thrill me, thrill me

Walk me down the lane

Where shadows will be

Will be

Hiding lovers just the same

As we'll be, we'll be

When you make me tell you I love you

They told me be sensible

With your new love

Don't be fooled thinking this is the last you'll find

You know, pumpkins ? What ?

Sometimes it just takes a fairy.

But they never stood in the dark with you, love [ Sighs ]

[ All Sighing ] When you take me in your arms

And drive me slowly out of my mind

Kiss me, kiss me

And when you do I know that you will miss me--

Men... acting like women.

Men wanting to be with one another.

Men touching each other.

Their stubbly chins...

rubbing up against one another.

[Jukebox. ''Behind Closed Doors'']

[ Sighs ] Touching each other.

Manly hands...

touching swirls of chest hair.

Occasional... whiff of a rugged after-shave.

Their low baritone voices...

sighing, grunting.

When you turn out the lights

[ Sighs ] They hold one another...

in-- in manly, masculine arms.

Hold one another.

And when we get behind closed doors

Tight. When she lets her hair--

[ People Chattering ]

Wait for me

And say you'll never leave

They said that you made somebody cry

Somebody cry

[ Continues ]

How are you doing ? Okay. I'm doing okay.

[ Bartender ] What can I get you ? That's gone wrong

Bourbon. 'Cause I ain't gonna cry all alone

Hey, won't you play This your shoe ?

Another ''somebody done somebody wrong''song No, not my shoe.

But I'm lookin' for the person that wore that shoe.

[ People Laughing, Chattering ]

Now, the ratchet. Um, the ratchet-- The ratchet-- Ah.

You know, if I could get this to work,

you may get this baby on the road.

Really ? That would be wonderful ! Yeah.

Of course, um... I'm sure you'll be wanting...

to stick around for the Strawberry Social this afternoon.

Um, C-Carol-- Uh, uh-- Yeah, Vida--

You know,

I wouldn't be lying if I were to say...

that I was really gonna miss you.

I mean, I think it's really important...

for a woman... to have lady friends.

Oh, Carol Ann, I--

If we're going to be friends, there really is something I should tell you.

Adam's apple ?

What ? Adam's apple.

Women don't have Adam's apples.

Only men have Adam's apples.

And the first night you came to town,

I noticed that you had yourself an Adam's apple.

Then, then you know ?

I know...

that I'm very fortunate to have a lady friend...

who just happens to have an Adam's apple.

Now, let's just see what we got here.

[ Engine Starts ] Whoo ! [ Laughing ]

You did it ! Oh, yes ! All right !

[ Laughing ] Oh, God, I ain't ever gonna be right !

[ Dispatcher On Radio, Indistinct ]

[ Tires Squealing, Engine Revving ]

[ Wind Whistling ]

Ta-da ! How do I look ?

Like the Miami Sound Machine just exploded all over you. Hmm!

[ On Megaphone ] I got this town surrounded ! There's no escape !

I know those drag queens are out here!

If you just come out with your hands up, no one will get hurt.

Oh, what fresh hell is this ?

It's the possibly dead Sheriff''Dullard.'' [ Tires Squealing ]

[ Chi Chi ] He doesn't look like he's dead.

[ Dollard ] I know them drag queens is here,

and I'm not leaving this town without 'em!

None of you good people need get involved.

All I want's them drag queens !

Don't protect these freaks !

I know they're hidin'here!

These weirdos comin'in here, these boys in dresses,

What ? Boys in dresses ?

corrupting you with their way oflife,

changing the way things have always been !

I really don't think that's what you want !

Whoever belongs to this shoe,

come forth now !

There's Miss Vida. Come on.

[ Brakes Squealing ]

I believe that shoe is mine.

- You ain't the one. - She's not the one.

Back off, Virgil.

I am a drag queen.

I know there's drag queens in this town !

And I ain't leavin' 'til they get outta here !

Can I have my shoe, please ?

You're a drag queen ?

Nothin' this pretty could be real. [ Laughter]

You wanna touch my... boa ?

That's my shoe. 1 0-1 /2 B.

Girlfriend. Boy in a dress.

Give me a kiss, big boy. Guess that makes me the Drag King.

[ Little Earnest ] Hell, I'm a drag queen too! [ Merna ] Arrest us, baby.

I'm a drag queen over here.

You can just drag yourself-- [ Crowd Howling, Taunting ]

- What're you so afraid of? - [ All Taunting ]

[ Taunting Continues ] You people are gonna regret this.

You're gonna regret this.

You have no idea how dangerous, [ Crowd Shouting ]

how dangerous these people really are !

No idea ! You're gonna regret it ! [ Shouting Continues ]

All of you are gonna regret it ! I promise you will !

[ Shouting, Applause ]

[ Cheering, Whistling ]

[ Car Door Closes, Engine Starts ]

[ Knocking ]

Miss Vida ?

Auntie Noxie ?

[ Cheering, Shouting Continue ]

Ah.

Are you hearing this ? Yes.

I didn't even wanna come here, and now these people are standing up for us.

It's beautiful. Oh !

You know, Vida,

you were absolutely right.

A-About what ?

I mean, now I realize that... you gotta take chances.

Because you never know. You know what I mean ?

What the hell ! I'm not gonna worry about if people accept me or not.

I'm gonna make Hollywood wherever I am at. Yes.

[ Giggling ] [ Giggling ]

I would like...

Stand up, Vida.

I, I would like...

to go to Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania,

[ Sniffles ] and walk into that...

imitation Tudor-style house,

Yeah, stand up, m'hija, stand up !

and I will say,

''My name is Miss Vida Bohemme... Go ahead, girl !

''and your approval is not needed,

That's right, approval neither desired nor required.

but I will take your acceptance.''

All right.

Me too. Me too. I-I wanna stand up from now on. I'm going to.

And when I find my honest and true love, I'm never gonna let him go.

Nuh-uh. And I don't care what my cousin Lysette says. I don't care.

I mean, everything I touch doesn't turn into ca-ca. � Verdad?

What does she know ? That's right.

And I wanna try and find a foundation...

that's a little closer to my actual skin tone. [ Chuckles ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Band Plays ] [ People Singing ]

[ Continues ]

Deviants ! Look at 'em !

Look at 'em ! Perverts.

I'll tell you one thing, when the Founding Fathers...

wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and what have you--

''liberty and justice for all''-- they didn't mean them.

Well, I can tell you one thing about them Founding Fathers of America.

What's that ? They sure had fabulous wigs.

[ Shouting, Cheering ]

Ah ! Ohh !

Be good to me

No, no, no, no, no !

Will you dance with me, girl

Ooh, ooh, ahh

Do it now Do what you wanna do

[ Crowd Cheering ] [ Continues ]

Do what you wanna do

You gotta feel it.

Do what you wanna do

[ Crowd Cheering ] [ Laughing ]

Do what you wanna do

[ Noxeema ] Dance, you pretty thing !

This was my Aunt Martha's dress.

Oh ! I thought you could use it.

She was real big in the shoulders. Thank you, girl !

Oh, sweet pea !

Now, you listen to your Auntie Vida.

I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things... and moisturize.

I cannot stress this enough. [ Laughing ]

Oh ! Miss Noxeema ?

Miss Clara.

Now listen, when you get to Hollywood, Yes ?

you give this letter to Mr. Robert Mitchum.

Oh, I will. I will, I promise you. I'll guard it with my life.

Uh-huh. Thank you. I'm gonna miss you.

Oh ! I'm gonna miss you too.

Good-bye. Bye.

Oh !

I hope she leaves me those albums in her will.

All right. Now, let's see. Can I hear it ?

Good afternoon. Ooh, sounds wonderful !

And look at the shirt. The shirt is fierce and the hair is workin'.

Get along now. You take care.

Oh, vaya con Dios, Miss Chi Chi.

[ Chuckles ] You're ruining my language, and I still love you.

[ Kisses ] These all grow wild around here.

You all grow wild around here, I swear.

This reminds me of the story of Princess Laritza in Revenge of the Wench.

Everybody was giving her flowers 'cause they thought she was dead, right ?

But she had taken this magical concoction-- Well, anyway, bye-bye.

Bye. Bye.

Vida.

Come with us. Please ?

Oh... Lord.

If you had any idea of how many nights I've lain awake and--

[ Sighs ] Just thinkin' about how to get out of here.

But... it's my home.

Besides, I got these girls to raise.

I know.

I love you, Miss Vida Bohemme.

Oh !

[ Sniffles, Sighs ]

I've waited my whole life to hear those words said to that name.

And I'm very, very, very happy...

that you're the one to say them.

What ?

[ Chuckling ]

[ Whispering ] I have a lovely idea.

[ Sniffles ] Ah.

[ Sighs ] I want you to have this.

I don't-- I don't know if you know who she is. Oh, no, it's Julie Newmar.

Oh ! God, I always thought she was so statuesque.

My feelings exactly !

[ Together] Well--

Vida!

I don't think of you as a man,

and I don't think of you as a woman.

I think of you as an angel.

I think that's healthy.

[ Chuckles ]

[ All Shouting ]

Good-bye !

[ Woman ] Bye-bye, Vida !

[ Drumroll ]

[ Male Announcer ] Ladies and gentlemen, Hey now, hey now

What's the matter--

the winner of this year's Drag Queen of America Contest. [ Continues ]

Come on Hey now, hey now

What's the matter with you

Girls just a-wanna have fun now Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah

Come up in the morning light Step four. Larger than life. It's just the right size.

My mother says, When you gonna live your life right [ Applause, Cheering ]

[ Announcer ] Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez! [ Cheering, Applause ]

Oh, mama dear we're not the fortunate ones

And girls just wanna have fun

Whoa, girls just wanna have

Hey now, hey now

What's the matter with you

Girls just a-wanna have fun now, come on

[ Announcer ] Presenting the crown. Miss Julie Newmar!

My father asks, Whatcha gonna do with your life

Oh, Daddy dear,you know you're still number one

But girls they wanna have fun

But girls they wanna have fun

Oh, girls they wanna have

That's all they really w-a-a-a-nt

Some f-u-u-u-n

When the working day is done

You know girls They wanna have fun

Come on, ohh Hey now, hey now

What's the matter with you

Girls just a-wanna have fun now

Come on Hey now, hey now

Oh, mama dear we're not the fortunate ones What's the matter with you

Girls just a-wanna have fun now

Do you wanna be free

Ohh, ohh

Do you wanna be free

Just free yourself

Just free yourself

Take a look at yourself What do you see

A willing victim of mediocrity

No one told you you can't have it all

It's time to act up and never fall

You got to free yourself

Gonna change that vibe

Free yourself Leave your past behind

See yourself In a different light

There is no one else Just free yourself

There'll be those who say what you're doing is wrong

You can't listen to fools You've got to be strong

Close your eyes and face what you can be

To all To all is fantasy

I can't tell you how to go to

To the head of the class

Ordinary is so scary Ordinary,yeah

Just leave it in the past

You got to Free yourself

From chains that bind

Why don't you free yourself

Leave the past behind

It's time to see yourself In a different light

Fear for no one else Just free yourself

Free yourself Free yourself

Why don't you free yourself Free, free,yeah

It's time to see yourself Yeah

Yeah,yeah,yeah

Just free yourself

Free yourself Free yourself

Free yourself Free, free

See yourself

Come on, free Ain't no one else

Free yourself

No one

Free yourself Free yourself

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,yeah

Ohh, ohh

Just free yourself Do you wanna be free

I can show you how to go to I can take you

The head of your class

Ordinary is so scary

Leave it in the past

Free yourself Of chains that bind

Why don't you free yourself

Leave the past behind

It's time to see yourself

In a different light

And no one ever Yeah Just free yourself

Free yourself Yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah

Why don't you free yourself

Don't you want to be free

It's time to free yourself