Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,720
Do you lot not get bored of this?
2
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:33,760
Like, I appreciate you've
got a job to do,
3
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,680
but does it not get a bit boring,
just following us two about?
4
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,760
Who is this even aimed at?
5
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,600
Because no-one we know watches it.
6
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,680
No birthday posts yet.
7
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,520
Well, it is
only half five in the morning,
8
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,800
but I would have expected at least
a couple of nighthawkers by now.
9
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:12,280
Nighthawkers are basically people
who stay up late on Facebook
10
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,800
and they post just after
midnight on your wall.
11
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,120
They get a fuck-off buzz out of it,
apparently.
12
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,480
Fuck knows why.
13
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,560
Oh, yes, Grumps.
14
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,840
"Get it together this year,
Ker, love, Grumps."
15
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,440
Aw. That's my Grumps, that is.
16
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,320
He looks like a laugh here,
17
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,880
but in real life,
he's a nasty old bastard.
18
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,480
Yep? All right? Do you reckon you
could sign a card for me?
19
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,280
Yeah, who's it for?
For Kerry. It's her birthday.
20
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,720
Oh, I don't know.
21
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,640
I'm snowed under here, Kurtan.
22
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,320
But it would literally take
two seconds.
23
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,960
Just sign it "Dad", I'll
do the rest. No, can't do that.
24
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,640
Why? I don't want
the emotional implications.
25
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,280
Well, just sign it "Martin", then.
26
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:07,480
I can't, ain't got a pen.
27
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:08,720
I've got a pen here, look.
28
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,480
Oh, give it here. It's really
inconvenient though, Kurtan.
29
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,440
You just signed it "M".
Yeah, M for Martin.
30
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:32,840
Unbelievable.
31
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,480
Oh, here he comes.
Here comes postman!
32
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:47,200
Pretending to walk past my house.
33
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,280
Julian! Julian!
34
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,880
You walking past my house, are you?
35
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:54,920
Oh, no post, is it?
36
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,080
He always does this.
37
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,360
He tries to wind me up,
because he pretends he ain't got
38
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,000
any post for me when he actually
has, and he'll just come back.
39
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,400
He's getting in his car.
40
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,960
Oh, you're getting in your car,
are you? Driving away?
41
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:10,120
He knows it's my birthday as well.
It's such a laugh.
42
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,840
Look at him, he goes to so much
effort to try and prank me.
43
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,520
ENGINE STARTS
Oh, driving away, is it?!
44
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,800
No post for Kerry, no?
45
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,840
He's driving away!
46
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:20,880
Such a laugh.
47
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,040
He... He's...
48
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,080
going away.
49
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,280
Yeah. He's not coming back.
50
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:30,880
That's a shame.
51
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:34,080
What?!
52
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,080
What?!
53
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,160
Yes, I'll do it later, then!
54
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,360
Yeah, but it's my birthday today!
55
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,320
Happy birthday to me.
56
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,240
Well, about five years ago,
57
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,880
I sold my birthday
to my mum for about 200 quid.
58
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,800
Which means my mum's
legally entitled now to never
59
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:14,440
celebrate my birthday ever again
for the rest of my life.
60
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:19,720
Not even, like, a happy birthday cup
of tea, or a Moonpig card, nothing.
61
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:23,280
Which is the worst decision
I ever made in my entire life.
62
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,920
Because I got addicted to this
mobile phone game
63
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,520
where you
basically build a funfair,
64
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,320
and it was, like, a choice
between waiting 12 hours for my
65
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:36,800
dodgems to get erected or spending
a fiver on time machine tokens.
66
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,120
So, to cut a long story short,
67
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,720
I basically pissed 200 quid
up the wall.
68
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,360
In the space of a few hours,
on virtual nothingness.
69
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,360
The thing is about
Kerry's birthday is,
70
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,960
I have to make such a huge effort,
because no-one else does.
71
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,520
Like, even when it's my birthday,
72
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,160
I still have to go and get Kerry
a present, because otherwise
73
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,480
she'll just get jealous and sulk,
and it just ruins the day.
74
00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:58,680
Oh!
75
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:02,240
Hang on, watch this, I love
doing this. This is brilliant.
76
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,280
Honestly.
77
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,520
You all right?
78
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,080
You getting on? What?
79
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,000
You getting on?
80
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,200
Erm... Nah.
81
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,240
Did you see that?
82
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,480
That was, that was brilliant.
83
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,440
That was just classic...
84
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,640
It's so simple, but
so much laughter comes from...
85
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:39,680
Brilliant.
86
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,720
He deserves that anyway, because
he's been sexting my nan, so.
87
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,960
The good thing about this year is
the vintage steam fair falls on my
88
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,880
birthday, which is basically my two
favourite days of the year combined.
89
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:58,360
The steam fair is a really fun,
family event.
90
00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,720
And it means a lot to Kerry,
91
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:04,360
she's a huge fan of all things
practical and mechanical.
92
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,760
There's going to be working
traction engines, tractors,
93
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,000
road rollers,
plenty of vintage steamers...
94
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,760
And I warn you now,
when we get there,
95
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,360
you will not be able to get a word
out of me sideways,
96
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,960
cos I will have died, and I will
have gone straight to heaven.
97
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,240
Happy birthday to you...
98
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,640
Here he is!
99
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,680
You were born in a loo...
I wasn't born in a loo. She was.
100
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,360
I was born in a bathroom, thanks.
Yeah, on the loo!
101
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,000
Yeah, only because my mum didn't
know she was pregnant with me.
102
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,960
She's a bit chipper today,
in't she?
103
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,680
Yeah, because she knows
it's my birthday
104
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,240
and she don't have to celebrate it.
105
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,680
That for me?
106
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:40,960
Is it?!
107
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,600
Guessed right. There you go.
108
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,720
Oh, cheers, Kurts!
109
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,760
No problemo.
110
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,640
I open it? Absolutely.
111
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,120
Screwfix catalogue?!
112
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,160
Yep.
113
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,640
Oh, my God,
that's the new one as well.
114
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,680
How'd you get your hands on that?
115
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,000
Don't worry about me, Ker,
friends in the right places.
116
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,520
It's Gibbo, innit,
that works at Screwfix?
117
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,320
Yeah.
118
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,960
Oh, this is absolutely mint.
119
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,960
Look at these
aluminium combination ladders!
120
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,200
Yeah. Oh, and I'm got another
surprise for you as well. Yeah?
121
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,200
Yeah. But it ain't here, we have to
go on a little trip to see it.
122
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:20,760
A trip? When? Now.
123
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,400
Yeah, but I don't really want to
miss the steam fair.
124
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,840
No, we won't miss steam fair.
125
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,160
Yeah? You've got ages.
I'm got it all planned.
126
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,760
It in't a SodaStream, is it?
127
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,640
No, why?
128
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:37,000
I just really like SodaStreams,
always wanted one. Really?
129
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,320
Yeah, Slugs had one, and he
carbonated a cup of tea with it.
130
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,480
Didn't taste very nice, but he was
pushing boundaries with it.
131
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,800
Yeah, got a
little surprise for Ker.
132
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,520
It's about a 40-minute walk outside
the village, though, but I feel
133
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,200
it's going to be worth it to see
the look on her sweet, little face.
134
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,080
She's going to love it. Will we be
coming home before we go steam fair?
135
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,840
Nah, we'll just get a bus
straight there after your surprise.
136
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,360
All right.
137
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,600
Oh, I'm knackered.
138
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,560
We only just started walking, Ker.
139
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:05,720
What's this surprise?
140
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,280
Because I need to know whether it's
going to be worth this walk.
141
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,760
It will be worth it, trust me.
142
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,680
Oh!
143
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,560
What? I know what it is. What?
144
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,080
Don't worry, I'll act surprised.
145
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,080
For what? You know what.
146
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,960
Kerry, you don't think we're
organising a surprise party for you?
147
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,800
I knew it.
No, no, because we're actually not.
148
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,520
You mustn't get your hopes up,
because it's not a surprise party.
149
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,680
That's what my dad told you to say,
isn't it?
150
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,960
No, Ker, don't wind me up,
151
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,800
because it's not a surprise party,
you need to understand that, yeah?
152
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,120
Listen to me, no fucking party.
153
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,920
Fine, no party.
154
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,600
Right.
155
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:47,720
Come on.
156
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,400
I'm got a packet of Rolos
in my pocket as well. Have you?
157
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,160
I'll give you one every 50 yards,
how about that?
158
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,560
That's a nice little incentive,
isn't it? Yeah, all right.
159
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,760
That's it, you're a good girl. Yeah.
160
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,160
We'd better be careful, Kurtan. Why?
161
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,680
All that, over there,
is Fox Twins territory.
162
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,160
No, because they only ever
stay in those woods
163
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,600
and we're going round, so not a
chance of bumping into them, really.
164
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,240
Oh, right.
165
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,960
Everyone in the village
knows about the Fox Twins.
166
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,200
Basically, over the years, there's
been sightings in the woods of
167
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:32,320
these two feral-like men, who walk
on their knuckles, on all fours.
168
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,200
And witnesses say they communicate
to each other
169
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,920
in their own language,
which sounds like fox calls.
170
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:42,640
Whenever livestock goes missing
in the farms around the village,
171
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,360
they're usually blamed.
172
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,080
And no-one knows how they got
here, either.
173
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,040
Yes, it's a fun story to
hear down the pub
174
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,800
in front of a roaring fire
of an evening,
175
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,840
and it's funny how this
kind of shared folklore
176
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,160
can bring people
together in a strange sort of way.
177
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,360
But do I believe in it?
178
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:02,680
Absolutely not.
179
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:03,840
I've seen them.
180
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,960
I've seen with me own eyes,
me and Tyson.
181
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,400
We was out in the woods
early one morning,
182
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,880
and we seen them hunched over,
183
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,440
eating what look like some sort
of an animal carcass.
184
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,520
Couldn't believe it.
It was terrifying.
185
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,880
And then, at exactly the same spot,
at exactly the same time,
186
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,320
a week later, I saw an alien.
187
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,680
My theory is that some dirty
bastard's shagged a fox,
188
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:28,040
and that fox ended up giving birth
189
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,920
to some sort of
fucked-up man/fox twins.
190
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,960
There's actually only one
dirty bastard
191
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,240
I know around here that would shag
a fox, and that's Len.
192
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:38,120
I've never done it with a fox.
193
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,600
Morning.
194
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,280
What the fuck? What?
195
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:05,960
Stuck-up git.
196
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,760
So rude. What, that guy?
197
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,880
Yeah, he just ignored me.
198
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,720
Who doesn't say morning?
199
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,200
When someone says morning,
who doesn't say it back?
200
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:18,160
That's just weird, that's rude. Oh,
just let it go. It doesn't matter.
201
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,160
Aw, look how sweet them sheep are.
202
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,400
Hello!
203
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,120
Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
204
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,160
Ah!
205
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:34,040
Don't...
Don't ever turn your back on them.
206
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,560
Don't turn your back on sheep.
207
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,480
Carry on, quick, quick, quick.
Go, go, go.
208
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,440
I've got your back,
I've got your back.
209
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,320
This is it, we're almost there.
210
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:56,360
Right, close your eyes.
211
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,200
Three, two, one...
212
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,240
Open!
213
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,360
There, up there! Look!
214
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:09,720
Oh, yeah.
215
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,720
How good is that?!
216
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,280
It's great.
217
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,800
It's really great.
Happy birthday, Ker.
218
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,200
Thanks, Kurts.
219
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,600
Right, now on to steam fair!
220
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:26,320
Happy birthday, Kerry Mucklowe.
221
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,200
Look at that.
222
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,480
I always see them
banners above the motorway,
223
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,880
and I always thought,
"Who the fuck does them?"
224
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,280
Well, now I know.
225
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:36,800
People like me.
226
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:37,840
Kurtan.
227
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,800
Did you know you can't
get stung by a stinging nettle
228
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,520
if you grab the leaf
top and bottom, like that?
229
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,960
It's only when you
touch it on the sides, it stings.
230
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,400
Ah, actually, that stung, then.
231
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:04,960
Oh, hurry up.
232
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,160
I wouldn't touch that if I were you.
233
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,320
Why? Pez dispenser, they're cursed.
234
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,160
They are, I'm not even joking.
235
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,640
Honestly, when I had one of them,
236
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,960
I had the worst bout of bad luck
I ever had in my life.
237
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,360
Why, what happened?
238
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:26,080
My dog died, I got ringworm,
credit crunch.
239
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,560
It's absolutely plain evil.
240
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,720
Don't you just think that's
coincidence, though?
241
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,800
Do I think that's coincidence,
though? Yeah.
242
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,040
Right, explain this to me -
243
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,640
why is it, I swapped it a week later
with Robin Pope for a rubber,
244
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,040
and the very same day,
he fell off a ferry?
245
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,080
Yeah, but, Pez or no Pez, Robin Pope
would have fallen off that ferry.
246
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,800
Bus is here. He was a fucking clown.
247
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:52,840
Hello!
248
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,640
You got change? Yeah.
249
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:10,680
Can you open the door?
250
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,400
Oh, fuck...
251
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,120
What the fuck?
252
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:17,160
What the fuck?!
253
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,240
What... What was that about?
254
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,840
Yeah...
255
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:22,880
I think...
256
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,520
What the fuck?!
257
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,440
He's been sexting my nan, though.
Oh, for fuck's sake...
258
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,960
That's the problem.
259
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,080
How are we going to get to
steam fair, Kurtan?
260
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,760
Because the next bus ain't for,
like, two hours? Shit.
261
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:37,960
Hi, Vicar, it's Kurtan.
262
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,200
Yeah, good, just a little favour -
263
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,680
do you reckon you could
pick us up, please?
264
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,280
What's he saying?
What's he saying?
265
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,480
What wedding?
266
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,800
Ugh...
267
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,960
But can't you nip out
15 minutes then...?
268
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,280
Then go back...?
269
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,280
But you're the vicar,
surely you can do what you want.
270
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,160
And it's your church, they've all
got to wait for you anyway.
271
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,960
Oh, fine, fine. Do you know what?
Just do one, Vicar.
272
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,760
Is he picking us up? No.
273
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,880
We're going to miss it, ain't we?
No, no, calm down.
274
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,200
We're going to miss it.
No, we're not going to miss it.
275
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,760
Right, just calm down.
We'll be fine, Ker...
276
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,040
What Kerry won't tell you
about steam fair is that she used
277
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,920
to go a lot when she was a kid,
before her dad walked out.
278
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,440
So I think, every time
she sees heavy haulage vehicles,
279
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,440
it reminds her of being
part of a family.
280
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:28,240
It doesn't matter, because we can
walk it. It'll take an hour.
281
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,000
An hour?! Yeah. I can't do an hour,
unfortunately, I can't.
282
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,880
Because I want to see Jim Tucker
driving into steam fair, that's it.
283
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,720
And she loves looking
in skips as well, because her dad
284
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,280
used to take her scrap metalling
when she was a toddler.
285
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:41,800
He'd literally just chuck her in,
286
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,160
have her looking for copper
and that.
287
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,000
She actually got tetanus one time.
288
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,920
But Martin didn't give
a flying fuck.
289
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:53,800
As long as he got his copper,
he was happy.
290
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,960
How about we walk through the woods,
then? Yeah?
291
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,480
Because that'll be half the time.
That'd be half the time? Yeah.
292
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,400
You promise me that will be
half the time? Yeah.
293
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,800
That works for me.
It might be a nice...
294
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,200
If you're telling me the truth,
that works for me.
295
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,800
I swear down, it's a short cut.
296
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,120
It might be a pleasant walk,
we might enjoy it.
297
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:18,800
We'll be late now.
298
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,560
We'll have missed
the combine demonstration, for sure.
299
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,600
Which is a shame.
300
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,920
Because Jim Tucker drives
the combines,
301
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:29,560
and he's the best combine
driver this side of Hereford.
302
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:33,400
I had my picture taken with him
last year, and he put his cap on me.
303
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:38,520
He said I reminded him of himself
when he was in his late 40s.
304
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:42,640
Actually, I think we've got
to go back up there.
305
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,240
Just came from back from back
up there.
306
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,960
Yeah, just...
307
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,120
You're lost, in't you?
308
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:54,000
Well, not... I don't know...
Oh, for fuck's sake, Kurtan.
309
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,160
Can't you check Maps on your phone,
or something?
310
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,800
No, because I ain't got any signal,
have I?
311
00:16:58,800 --> 00:16:59,840
Have you?
312
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,920
Have you got any signal?
313
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,760
Oh, fucking hell!
314
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,640
Oh, my God, what is that?
315
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,520
What is that? What?
316
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,160
There, look.
317
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,440
There.
318
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:24,760
Don't know.
319
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,600
Is that, like, a tent or something?
320
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,320
WHISPERS: Shout. Shout hello.
321
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,800
WHISPERS: Hello?
322
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:33,840
SHOUTS: Hello?
323
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,360
Oh, my Jesus Christ!
What? What is it?
324
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,080
Oh, my God. What?
325
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,880
Christ alive. What?!
326
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,440
It's just a great big dump
in the middle of the tent.
327
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,360
That's... That's just a badger's
shit in there.
328
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:15,000
A badger? Yeah. Oh, OK.
329
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,040
So a badger just walking along,
sees a tent, goes,
330
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,760
"Might as well have a shit in it."
331
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,120
Does his business, comes back out,
zips it with this great big thumbs.
332
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,360
Yeah, badger, Ker.
333
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:29,000
I know who's fucking done that. Who?
334
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,040
Fox Twins.
335
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,880
Oh...
336
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,680
I'm not scared of Fox Twins.
337
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,000
I'd just like to sit them
down and ask them plainly,
338
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,400
"Look, guys, what is going on?
339
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,280
"Because this has just gotten
completely out of hand now.
340
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,360
"You know, stop walking
on your knuckles, stand up straight,
341
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:48,080
"be the best version of you
that you can be.
342
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,320
"Get a job, even.
343
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,560
"There's trolley boy,
works at Tesco's, you know,
344
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:53,600
"may as well have been
raised by wolves.
345
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,600
"If he can get a job,
you guys can walk it."
346
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:00,920
Honestly,
this guy's forehead is so large,
347
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,080
you could project a film onto it.
348
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,160
And that's not me being harsh,
349
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,840
he'd probably say that
about himself.
350
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,400
In't that right, Kurtan? Hmm?
351
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,480
Nicholas. Trolley boy? Yeah.
352
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:14,880
Huge fucking head.
353
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:21,520
Yes, there has been talk of strange
goings-on in the woods,
354
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,320
ghost sightings and the like.
355
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,280
But they're never from particularly
reliable sources.
356
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,320
Oh, yeah, I believe in ghosts all
right. There's one in there.
357
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,200
I live with a ghost,
there's a ghost in that house.
358
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,880
He's like a Civil War Cavalier,
359
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,200
with all the hair and the hat
and all that.
360
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,720
And every time I walk into the
living room, he doffs his cap.
361
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:49,080
And on his shoulder,
he's got this crow that barks at me.
362
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,920
It means I spend less
time in the house, really.
363
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,840
Not because of him,
because he's quite peaceable.
364
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,800
But the crow is malevolent.
365
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,280
And I'm not having that,
366
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,840
I can't share my house with
a malevolent bird.
367
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:16,000
No way,
I ain't walking through there. Why?
368
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,560
Why?
369
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,600
Look at it!
370
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:23,280
What's wrong with it? It will
literally be a 20-second sprint.
371
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,920
That's haunted as fuck.
372
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,760
Am I going mad here,
or does that, to you,
373
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,600
look like that's where just ghosts
will hang out all the time?
374
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,320
Well, it's either walk through there
or walk up that, up to you.
375
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,240
Ugh, let's just walk down there.
376
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:52,640
Oh, my God, it's him from earlier.
377
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,720
Hat man! Arsehole.
378
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,920
Ask him for directions.
No, no way! Please, Kurtan.
379
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,360
No, I ain't going cap in hand
to no-one, especially him.
380
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,640
I'll ask him. Excuse me?
381
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,320
Excuse me?! See, rude.
382
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,600
Well, let's just follow him, because
he might be going steam fair.
383
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,600
Look at him, Little Red Riding Twat.
384
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,680
All right, I'll go first, I'll go
first. Quick! Yes, all right!
385
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,040
He's getting away.
386
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,200
Half-hour until the Ferguson Parade.
387
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,080
It's basically a shitload
of Fergusons,
388
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,720
like, parading around the
fair and that.
389
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,480
Erm, wait.
390
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,040
It's always led by this,
like, little steam engine,
391
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,200
this little Labrador in it
that has a hat.
392
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,000
It's the most beautiful fucking
thing you'll ever see.
393
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,440
What? Run after him! Shall I? Yes!
394
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,520
Excuse me?!
395
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,760
Hang on, wait!
396
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,240
Just want to...
397
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,040
Just want to follow...!
398
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:57,240
Oh, for fuck's...
399
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,080
Where's he fucking gone?
400
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:04,720
Where's he gone?!
401
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:05,760
I don't know.
402
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,960
Oh, fucking hell. What?
403
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,320
Oh, for fuck's sake.
404
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,480
I don't believe it.
405
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,160
We've done a massive
circle for the last three hours.
406
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,600
We've missed the steam fair,
in't we?
407
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,720
Yeah, well...
408
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,120
I think so.
409
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,160
Sorry, Ker.
410
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,000
Look, well, we're
basically by a bus stop now, so...
411
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,880
I'll just get the vicar to
pick us up.
412
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,880
Yeah? Yeah.
413
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,280
Come on, then.
414
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,560
Let's just get out of here.
415
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,000
What are you doing? Hmm?
416
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,920
What? What are you doing?
417
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,280
Going toilet.
418
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,880
You can't shit in there!
419
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,760
Someone's already done a
massive dump in it,
420
00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,760
what's another one going to
make a difference?
421
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:00,800
Oh, for fuck's sake.
422
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,200
Vicar's here.
423
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,280
If he's got an attitude with me,
I swear to God, I'll just
424
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,680
grab the steering wheel
and drive us all into a wall.
425
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,640
Happy birthday, Kerry!
426
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,320
How was it?
427
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,400
Kerry did a dump in a tent.
428
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,720
Sorry?
429
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:37,440
I did a dump in a tent.
430
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,040
That's all you need to know.
431
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,400
Yeah, it wasn't a great birthday.
432
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,920
Probably one of the worst
I ever had, to be honest.
433
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,120
And I got eight Facebook
posts this year.
434
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,760
That's four down from last year.
435
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,760
I stayed up till midnight refreshing
my page, and for why?
436
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,200
I just ended up getting cramp in my
finger. I can't even bend it, look.
437
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:16,640
I just feel pretty shit
about Kerry's birthday yesterday.
438
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:17,760
She didn't say anything,
439
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,800
but I know it's basically my fault
we missed the steam fair and that.
440
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,240
Yeah, just thought I'd better
make it up to her.
441
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:24,720
Get her something she really wants.
442
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,640
Yes, I'll get it.
443
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:44,800
Someone left this, look.
444
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,200
SodaStream!
445
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,400
"Happy Birthday." There's a laugh.
446
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,800
"Dear Kerry,
happy birthday, have a great day,
447
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:12,880
"lots of love...
448
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,120
"..Martin."
449
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:20,680
That's my da.
450
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,840
I knew my da wouldn't forget
my birthday.
451
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:34,000
This is one of the best birthdays
I've ever had, to be fair.
452
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,080
To think Kurtan
almost ruined it as well.
34364
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
