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1
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Mum gets night terrors
when she sleeps during the day.
2
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:27,040
But, like, she's literally,
3
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,720
like, that close to
falling off her bed as well.
4
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:31,800
But apparently
you can't wake them up
5
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,440
when they're having night terrors,
6
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:36,400
because they can have
a heart attack, or even worse,
7
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,240
they could foul themselves.
8
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,120
Shit!
9
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,680
Oh, it's all right,
she's still asleep.
10
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,200
Hello. Hi.
11
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,480
Um, yeah, I need the timetable
for the 51 bus, please.
12
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,720
51? Yup.
13
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,000
51...
14
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,840
VOICEOVER: So, tomorrow
I'm going to TK Maxx
15
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,840
in Swindon,
and I have to go tomorrow
16
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,720
cos it's the first Saturday
of the month,
17
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,880
and that's when all the new stock
is released.
18
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,840
And if I leave it any later,
it'll just be the dregs left.
19
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:15,360
But getting there
is an absolute nightmare.
20
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,520
Right. Right.
21
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,840
Down.
22
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,640
Oh, fuck me, it's like Crystal Maze!
23
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,880
Cos these places can't afford
to pay people,
24
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,400
they get any old fuck-up to come in
and volunteer,
25
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,040
and no-one can have a go at them
for fucking it up
26
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,800
because they're fucking it up
for free.
27
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,600
That's, that's...
28
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:33,960
..opening times at Bird Land.
29
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,760
You should know that, cos
there are two penguins on the front.
30
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,000
Oh, yeah.
31
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,080
Um, is there anyone here who
works for money, that I could...?
32
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:43,760
Oh, only me, I'm afraid.
Right.
33
00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:47,480
Ooh, Len! What? Len, you don't
know about the bus, do you?
34
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,840
It's fine... The bus? What bus?
It's fine. The 51. Don't...
35
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,080
Honestly, don't get him involved,
it's fine... The 51?
36
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,960
Good luck with that, mate.
Well done.
37
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,720
No-one ever catches the 51.
Yeah, OK. You can't get it.
38
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:03,040
Yes, I think there is a strain
on local services in the village.
39
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,840
There's certainly a lack of funding.
40
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,920
You could be waiting for hours
to get the 51... OK.
41
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,760
..and it won't come.
Thanks for nothing. All right, bye.
42
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,040
And as a village,
we have had to rely on volunteers,
43
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:16,240
who, may I add,
are all absolutely fantastic.
44
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,800
Oh, fuck's sake!
45
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,720
All right, I've got
football training this morning.
46
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:25,800
Basically, every Saturday
for the last few weeks,
47
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,440
the vicar's started
footy practice at the park.
48
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,640
And he's letting me help him run it.
49
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,000
Fuck! Where's my England shirt?
50
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,480
Mum! Mum!
51
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,040
Where's me England shirt?
52
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:42,960
Me England shirt. I can't find it.
53
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,840
Oh, shut up! I haven't.
54
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,720
I haven't done that.
55
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,080
Just...don't listen.
56
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,200
Just...
57
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,320
..stupid.
58
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,560
I don't fancy Cain Dingle.
59
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,520
I just respect him, because
he's the only one in his family
60
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:21,760
who's got his head screwed on.
61
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,160
Aah.
62
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:28,000
We, er, did have a few
sports clubs in the village,
63
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,360
but sadly the funding stopped
and the clubs ended,
64
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,360
so, er, I've tried to get things
going again by helping
65
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,200
organise some football training.
66
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:39,560
I know how important it is to get
young people active.
67
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,760
Kerry, if you don't mind
distributing those,
68
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,480
that would be great.
69
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,800
Just to remind you,
remember the instep, trap, pass.
70
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,080
Trap, pass.
71
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,240
VOICEOVER: Although I don't
consider myself
72
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,640
much of a sportsman these days,
73
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:56,600
I was quite a handy goal attack
in my university netball team.
74
00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:01,320
I, um, I-I had the nickname
Fiery Francis,
75
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,400
because I had a bit of a temper
on court.
76
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,760
Thankfully, I don't have to get
a bus to go to Swindon now
77
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,120
to go to TK Maxx.
78
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,840
Vicar said he'll drop me off
after football practice.
79
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,920
To be honest,
I don't know why anyone bothers
80
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:23,040
going to that football practice.
It's a freak show.
81
00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,600
MOBILE PHONE CHIMES
82
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:25,840
Hello?
83
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,120
What's happened?
84
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,160
Ohh! Typical.
85
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,360
Absolutely typical. Yeah, all right.
86
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,720
I'm coming now.
87
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,720
Something's happened with Kerry
at football, so...
88
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:40,920
..I'd better go.
89
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,360
What happened?
90
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:51,800
Pork Chop absolutely KO'd me.
91
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,480
No, she slipped awkwardly
on the grass.
92
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,480
She's, she's in agony,
I'm taking her to A&E...
93
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,240
Pork Chop basically slide tackled me
for absolutely no reason.
94
00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:00,200
Now I actually can't feel my leg.
95
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,520
Well, we'll just drop her off first,
then, shall we?
96
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:03,560
And then go to TK Maxx.
97
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,120
I can't even think about that
right now, Kurtan.
98
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,840
I'm just getting the car,
just stay there.
99
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,760
All right?
You all right? No.
100
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,320
What happened?
101
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:12,640
It was Pork Chop.
102
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,280
And Slugs.
103
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,680
But he slide tackled me...
104
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,200
..out of spite, because I was
scoring too many goals.
105
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,400
I think I'm going into shock,
Kurtan.
106
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,360
I'm in so much pain!
107
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:29,160
Kerry has a very low pain threshold,
108
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,440
but a very high
emotional pain threshold.
109
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,480
Like, I've been with her when
she's knocked on her dad's door
110
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,880
and you can hear him inside going,
"Shit! It's Kerry! Hide!"
111
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,240
and literally nothing from her,
not even a tear.
112
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:46,120
But Kerry physically
can't deal with pain.
113
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,800
OK.
114
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,040
I really don't think we've got
to go to A&E, though.
115
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,720
Look, we do, Kurtan, actually.
I really don't think she needs...
116
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:55,680
Kurtan, I'm going
to need your help, all right?
117
00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,880
One, two, three, and lift!
118
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,160
KERRY GASPS
119
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,240
Vicar! Your finger's going up
my arsehole, mate. Sorry, sorry.
120
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,000
Swivel round, and just
put your bottom in first... OK, OK.
121
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,640
I'll hold the back of your head,
so you don't bash yourself.
122
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:10,640
There we go, you're in.
Well done, Kerry. Well done.
123
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,520
Well done, Kerry.
124
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,800
I have to go to TK Maxx today.
Look, Kurtan, not now.
125
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,520
I can't go tomorrow,
can't go next day.
126
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,320
You did say, though, didn't you?
127
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,600
That I could go to TK Maxx today...
Kurtan, not now.
128
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:25,040
All right? Can you just get in
the back, please? Please, come on.
129
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:28,480
Vicar!
130
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,120
Vicar!
131
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,000
Vicar, oi!
132
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,200
What is it, Len?
You can't be driving on here.
133
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,200
Yes, I know, but actually,
if you can see...
134
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,680
You can't be driving on here, Vicar.
135
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,440
I'm aware of that, Len,
it's an emergency.
136
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:46,880
Well, emergency or no emergency,
137
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,240
old Graham's not going to be happy,
his tarmac...
138
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,840
SHOUTING: Oh, for goodness' sake,
Len, just move on!
139
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,880
Excuse me. Mind yourself.
140
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,440
I can't believe you shouted at Len!
141
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,880
Yes, well...
142
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,120
That was brutal!
143
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,040
He looked like he was going to cry.
144
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:19,120
OK, take it slowly, Kerry.
You're doing really well.
145
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,960
There we are.
146
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,080
OK, just...
147
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,800
..just a few more.
148
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,800
Hello, somebody been in the wars?
149
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,280
Yeah, me.
150
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,360
OK, can I take your name, love?
151
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,160
Kerry Mucklowe.
152
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,120
Kerry...
And how are we spelling that?
153
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,040
M-U-C-K-L-O-W-E.
154
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,160
OK. And what's the symptoms,
what's the matter?
155
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,200
Um, I basically smashed my leg
to smithereens.
156
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,080
Well, maybe, we don't know yet.
157
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,640
I can't feel it. It's just
from about there to about there.
158
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,240
And it's completely swollen as well.
159
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,840
It might be a fracture,
but we don't...
160
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:54,520
All right, if you want to go and
take a seat in the waiting room,
161
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,040
love, we'll get someone to come
and see you as soon as we can.
162
00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,160
OK, thank you. Thank you.
Now, take it slowly, Kerry.
163
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,280
That's it. There we go.
164
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:03,960
KERRY GASPS IN PAIN
165
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,120
Yeah, how soon do you think
that will be?
166
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,640
What, till she's seen?
Well, we'll go as quick as we can,
167
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,480
so it will depend how many
people are in there and, you know,
168
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,000
the urgent cases,
they will take priority.
169
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,520
Sort of roughly...?
170
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:20,200
As soon as we can, my love,
all right? All right, yep.
171
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,840
Yeah, nice...
172
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,080
Gareth Williams, please?
173
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,400
Thank you. >
174
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,880
So, um...
175
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,400
Why?
176
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:58,720
What's that mean?
177
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,040
So, will you get in trouble?
178
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,360
But it did happen
at football training.
179
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:25,840
So you want me to lie?
180
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:31,040
Mmm...
181
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:37,560
What do you think God
will think about that?
182
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,600
No, he won't. He won't.
183
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,040
Ugh! Fine.
184
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,920
But when I lie in future, I don't
want a massive lecture on how bad
185
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,920
lying is, cos deep down,
you're the worst of us all, mate.
186
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,560
Fine, fine. Yep? Right, I've got
to check on the parking.
187
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,120
OK. Sorry.
188
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,840
Stay there, it's all right.
189
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:10,320
Just one thing.
190
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,680
Just so you know -
the clock is ticking
191
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:16,600
and the best bargains are probably
being snapped up as we speak.
192
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,200
TK Maxx.
193
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,600
Kurtan, I'm really sorry, I...
194
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,440
..I can't think about that
right now.
195
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,560
We've got to just
concentrate on Kerry.
196
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,280
We've got to look after her, we've
got to stay with her... I know.
197
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,480
I asked you about going
to TK Maxx before she got...
198
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:30,400
I've got to do the parking meter,
all right?
199
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:33,080
Can we... Can we just have this
conversation a bit later?
200
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,600
Will you look after Kerry?
201
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,600
See if she needs a drink
or something.
202
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:37,880
Right? Sorry...
203
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:39,720
I'd quite like a Coke.
204
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,560
If that's all right.
205
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,920
VICAR: I do enjoy spending time
with Kerry and Kurtan,
206
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,080
although sometimes they do act a
little bit younger than their years,
207
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,400
and that can be...challenging.
208
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,000
Are you getting a signal in here?
What?
209
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,680
Are you getting a signal in here?
Why, who are you calling?
210
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,280
Levi. Why?
211
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,960
All right, Levi?
212
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,880
You'll never guess where I am.
213
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,560
Hospital, yeah.
214
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,360
Basically smashed my leg to fuck.
215
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,440
No, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,
216
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,480
but fuck knows what the doctor's
going to be able to do.
217
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,800
Yeah.
218
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,800
It's going to be like gluing a
breadstick back together, because...
219
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,240
Like, as if a breadstick's
been in a blender and it's all...
220
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,080
..the pieces smashed up.
221
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,720
Yeah.
222
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:35,160
Yeah, spread the word,
won't you, yeah?
223
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,720
All right, cheers, mate. See you.
224
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:55,920
All right, Fries?
You'll never guess where I am.
225
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,680
Hospital, yeah.
226
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,920
Yeah, I basically just
smashed my leg to fuck.
227
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,560
Yeah, well,
I'm just waiting for an X-ray,
228
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,800
but fuck knows what the doctor's
going to be able to do about it.
229
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,120
Yeah.
230
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,680
It's going to be like gluing back
a breadstick after it's been
231
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,280
in a blender, innit?
232
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,000
Yeah.
233
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,880
All right, you spread the word
for me, yeah?
234
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,480
All right, cheers, mate.
235
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,480
Yeah, see you. Bye.
236
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,760
The trouble with my lifestyle is,
I pick up a lot of injuries.
237
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,680
But I use that to my advantage.
238
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:35,000
Like, there's one time I started
a fight club in the village hall,
239
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,280
and I got a black eye
from beating myself up.
240
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,880
But it made my enemies think,
241
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,200
"Fuck, if she can do that
to herself,
242
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,960
"what the fuck can she do to me?"
243
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,760
It's an absolute nightmare,
there's literally no parking spaces.
244
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,880
I've been driving
round for the last 20 minutes,
245
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:53,880
had to leave it in
a disabled parking bay.
246
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,720
Um, have you, er,
have you been seen yet?
247
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,160
No.
Have they asked you any questions?
248
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,040
Oh, chill out,
I'm not going to rat you out
249
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,040
for not having any insurance!
Sh, sh, sh, sh!
250
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,560
Right, right, OK, I'm going
to move the car. Back in a sec.
251
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,440
His arsehole's like that.
252
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:13,960
Yeah, it is.
253
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,480
All right, Big Job?
254
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,400
Yeah, you'll never guess where I am.
255
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,360
Hospital.
256
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,040
Oh, you heard?
257
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:38,040
Yeah, I just absolutely smashed
my leg to fuck... Oh, fuck off!
258
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,680
Well, I don't know, I think I've...
259
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,280
..I'm absolutely 1,000% sure
I've broken it in two places,
260
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,480
but we'll just have to see what
the X-ray results come back as.
261
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,840
Yeah.
262
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,680
Well, I was just saying,
it's like...
263
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,920
..you know, gluing a breadstick
back together
264
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,640
after it's been in a blender.
265
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,120
All right, well,
you spread the word for me, yeah?
266
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,640
All right, cheers, mate.
267
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:02,400
Oh, God.
What?
268
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,200
The vicar.
What about him?
269
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,320
He has lost his head.
Why?
270
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,720
You have to see this. He's having
a go at a traffic warden. Fuck me!
271
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,120
He's having a breakdown.
What?
272
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,720
I knew this day would come.
273
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,280
He has genuinely lost it.
274
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,200
He has lost his mind!
275
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,040
I'll tell you what that is.
What?
276
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,880
Horn rage.
What's horn rage?
277
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,640
If a bloke doesn't get rid of his
dirty water on a regular basis,
278
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,920
you get horn rage.
Me and Kurt used to get it.
279
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,120
We used to smash car wing mirrors
on the way home
280
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,240
after a night on the lash
if we hadn't pulled.
281
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:38,320
It's worse for the vicar as well,
because he's got massive nuts.
282
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,200
The vicar, right, he will have you
believe he is all sweetness
283
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,200
and light. But in reality,
he can really lose his shit.
284
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,560
Yeah, like this one time,
he drove me and Kurtan
285
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:52,040
to Burford Wildlife Park, and Kurtan
just looked in the vicar's ear
286
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,600
and went, "Eugh, wax cave."
Yeah, it was.
287
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,680
And the vicar was so furious,
he literally picked up a road atlas
288
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,040
and thwacked Kurtan with it.
289
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,600
And Kurtan phoned the police.
290
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,160
It was assault.
Mm.
291
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,240
Oh, are you joking me?
292
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,640
Don't whack it.
293
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,280
Fuck, it's just taken my money.
294
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,520
Fuck's sake!
295
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,040
I shouldn't even be here.
296
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,800
I should be in TK Maxx,
getting the bargains that I deserve.
297
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,440
Oh, why are you so obsessed
with TK Maxx anyway?
298
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,280
Cos unlike you, Kerry,
I'm not a fashion disaster.
299
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,040
I'm not a fashion disaster.
300
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,680
You are!
Am not.
301
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,720
Everyone thinks you are.
You know, would it kill you
302
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,960
for one World Cup to buy
an official England shirt?
303
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,960
This IS an official England shirt.
304
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,280
No! No.
305
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,160
Kerry, how many lions
are on the shirt?
306
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,640
Four.
307
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,600
Yeah, and what's
the famous song called,
308
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,080
about having lions on your shirt?
309
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,560
Three Lions On A Shirt.
Thank you.
310
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,080
Kerry ain't into fashion,
as you can tell.
311
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:11,000
You know, a lot of effort
goes into the way I look.
312
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,160
She looks an explosion in an
unofficial merchandise factory.
313
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,560
Right, if you want to
wait for a minute...
314
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,680
Oh, shit. What?
Fuck, it's my ex.
315
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,200
Oh, fuck. Did she see me?
316
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:33,000
I don't know.
I don't think she did, no.
317
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,560
She's going to want to
get back with me as well.
318
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,040
That is so embarrassing.
319
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,600
Fuck.
320
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,480
What's she doing?
Who's that?
321
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,560
That's her...
What the f...?
322
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,160
That's her boyfriend.
No!
323
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,400
That is. He just kissed her.
324
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:52,320
He did!
I cannot believe that.
325
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,200
Can't believe that.
What? No, it's...
326
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,320
I'm still warm in my grave, and
she's sucking off the pallbearer.
327
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,520
You didn't want to get back with her
anyway, did you?
328
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,120
No, I didn't want to get back with
her, but that's not the point.
329
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:07,520
The point is she's moved on so fast.
It's only been five weeks.
330
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,760
You know, it took me ten years
to get over Kirsty Taylor,
331
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,400
and I only went out
with her for half a day.
332
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,040
The problem with Kurtan
and Kirsty Taylor was it was
333
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,240
a case of right person, wrong time.
334
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:22,200
Kurtan was ready to settle down
and give her all of his heart,
335
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,760
but Kirsty was right in
the middle of her SATs,
336
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,200
and she had her cycling proficiency
coming up.
337
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,080
So her head was all over the shop.
338
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,760
Oh! I cannot believe that.
339
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:38,920
What?
340
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,560
Soph and her new boyfriend
became friends on Facebook
341
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,160
when I was still going out with her.
342
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,080
That is...
343
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,400
F...
344
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,440
That tells you everything,
doesn't it?
345
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:55,200
The guy was trying to worm his
way in from then.
346
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,680
Shit.
What a...
347
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,640
What a snake in the grass.
348
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:00,680
That is F...
349
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:06,000
I swear to God, if I see him here
again, I swear to God I will have no
350
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,440
hesitation in just going up to him,
and just planting one on his face.
351
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,520
I will, honestly.
I will tear his head off. Yeah.
352
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,400
Don't even care.
Don't care at all.
353
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,040
Excuse me.
354
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,520
What?
355
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,720
Could you keep it down, please?
356
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,400
Sorry, do you work here?
No.
357
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,960
Right, then keep your nose
out of my business, yeah?
358
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,360
Nosey old cock womble.
359
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,160
She's absolutely livid.
Kerry Mucklowe.
360
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:36,440
Yes. Hi, Kerry. We're going to
take you down for an X-ray now.
361
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,760
OK.
All right, take your time.
362
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,680
OK.
363
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,240
I'll give you a hand. Up you come.
364
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,640
Of course you can, Kerry. Be quick.
365
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,720
Take your time.
Mm-hm.
366
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,840
Oi, Kurtan.
All right, Mand?
367
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,160
You being rude to my mum?
368
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,280
The problem with living in
a village like this is
369
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,160
that you're always bumping into
the local nut jobs.
370
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,440
No-one knows where they stand
with Mandy,
371
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,000
because she is so unpredictable.
372
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,440
You've been rude to my mum.
No.
373
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,800
Oh, my mum's a liar, then, is she?
No.
374
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:14,560
So you HAVE been rude to my mum?
Yeah... No.
375
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,880
Oh, is this...?
Is this about keeping it down?
376
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,280
Yeah, she's crying her eyes out
out there.
377
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,800
So I ain't leaving here
until you tell me
378
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,920
word by word what you
just said to my mum.
379
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,040
I was just chatting.
Yeah?
380
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,520
Quietly.
She said you was chatting loudly.
381
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,400
Well, could have been, I suppose.
382
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,080
OK, well, which one was it, then?
Quietly, or loudly?
383
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,360
Loudly.
Go on.
384
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:42,880
And then I...
385
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:47,200
I just said,
"Oh, sorry, do you work here?"
386
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,680
Because I thought maybe she might
have been one of the nurses.
387
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,000
And what did she say?
She...
388
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,160
She didn't really say anything,
she just walked off.
389
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,840
And that was that, really.
And it's... Mm-hm.
390
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:02,200
I think you might
be missing something.
391
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,200
Er...
392
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,800
Don't think... No, don't think so.
393
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,240
No? That was it, yeah.
Yeah? Mm.
394
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,920
No, I think you might have said
something else.
395
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,920
Er...
396
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,120
Well, I...
397
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,000
I can't really remember
what I said now.
398
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,720
Oh, so you DID say something else?
399
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,880
Yeah.
400
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:26,960
What did you say, Kurtan?
401
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,680
And I want it word by word.
402
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,600
I called her...
403
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,960
Yeah?
404
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,560
..a nosey...
Yeah?
405
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,840
..old...
Yeah?
406
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,040
..cock...
Yeah?
407
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:55,720
..womble.
408
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,400
Here, I'm just messing with you!
409
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,000
I'm just joking!
410
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,400
That's not really my mum!
411
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:14,720
MANDY LAUGHS
412
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,520
That wasn't your mum?
No, I just heard that
413
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,040
nosey old cock womble
complaining about you at reception.
414
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,480
And I thought it was funny,
I thought, "I know what I'll do -
415
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,360
"I'll go in there and wind him up,
and have a laugh with him!"
416
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:27,920
Oh!
417
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,360
Mandy's attitude to me is puzzling.
418
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,640
If I walk past her in the street
and say, "Hi,"
419
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,360
she'll tell me to fuck off.
420
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:39,280
Yet every year, she sends me
a really sweet, nice Christmas card.
421
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,440
You know, there's just
no consistency there.
422
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:42,920
How's Kerry, then? She all right?
423
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,960
She's fine, yeah,
she just hurt her leg.
424
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,880
She's just having an X-ray done.
Oh, bless her.
425
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,600
Well, listen, you take care
and send her my love, yeah?
426
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,000
Thank you.
427
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:17,960
Yep, OK...
428
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,720
Oh, God. Oh, no.
Kerry, Kerry, I'm so, so sorry.
429
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,080
The X-ray came back.
Oh, no, it's broken.
430
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:26,960
No, it's not broken.
She's going to be fine.
431
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,280
Not broken?
No.
432
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,160
It's very badly bruised.
433
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,960
And I asked if I could have a cast
or if I could have crutches,
434
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,440
and they said no.
435
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:37,360
Thank the Lord! It's not broken!
436
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:40,640
It's not broken.
Thank you so much, thank you.
437
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,440
No problem.
What does she need to do?
438
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,440
Just a bit of elevation,
lots of rest.
439
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,200
Yes, you said.
Thank you.
440
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,400
So she'll be good.
Wonderful. Let's get you home.
441
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,600
Take care. Bye-bye, Kerry.
Thank you. Bye! Bye!
442
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,520
Badly bruised. I could have
told you that six hours ago.
443
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,400
I know.
It's good to get it checked, though.
444
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,640
Absolute waste of a day!
445
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,280
All right? Hi. All right?
446
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,280
He's good-looking up close,
isn't he?
447
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:14,480
Shut up!
448
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,520
What?
449
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:30,760
What?!
450
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,600
Yeah, I told you I wasn't lying.
It's the sodium in it.
451
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,200
Golden Dragon!
452
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,760
Worst thing the vicar
could ever have done
453
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,120
is told me he hadn't
got any insurance.
454
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,360
I've got him right here.
455
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:04,640
Made him get me that.
456
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:10,000
And tomorrow, he's taking me and
Kurtan to Wookey Hole.
457
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,840
And he's giving us £5 each
to spunk on the fruit machines
458
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,920
at the service station
on the way down there.
459
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,840
Don't show me any weakness,
because I will take advantage.
460
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:25,720
It's what I do.
461
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,400
Got what you wanted, did you?
462
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:47,720
Mm?
463
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,560
Now you've made me look like a prat.
464
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,320
I think it really suits you.
465
00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:01,080
The devil doesn't come in a cloak
and pointy horns.
466
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,240
He wears knitwear and drives a Golf.
35276
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