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1
00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:06,160
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.
2
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,240
There you go.
3
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,240
That's a steal, that - 50 quid.
4
00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:18,320
Yeah, I just...
5
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,680
Have you got the computer bit,
as well?
6
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,240
What do you mean? It's all in here.
7
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:26,360
This is the monitor, so...
8
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,800
..that's literally just the screen,
and nothing else.
9
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,320
Cos, normally, this thing comes with
both of these, it's a computer -
10
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:37,600
and that's the expensive bit,
really, that's the main thing.
11
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,880
Yeah. That's that.
12
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,560
That's what that is.
13
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,520
I just... I...
14
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,840
Yeah... OK.
15
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,800
Kurtan is not a natural negotiator,
16
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,960
because he can't give
a straight answer.
17
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:56,280
That's why I go with him,
18
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,960
because I'm not afraid to grab
the bull by the horns
19
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,440
and put the turkey on the table.
20
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:02,520
What are you looking at?
Oh, nothing.
21
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,280
Are you looking at my collection
of Compare The Meerkats.com?
22
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:06,560
Yeah.
23
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,880
Yeah, cos you've seen the
adverts, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah?
24
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:12,600
Cos he's the main one,
and he's a laugh.
25
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,640
Right? But he's not the main one,
but he's a laugh, in his own way.
26
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,400
Yeah. And I think that's why
they get on so well,
27
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:19,680
cos they're both such a laugh -
28
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,600
but I just need the baby Oleg,
now, and then the set's complete.
29
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:26,600
Yeah, yeah. You don't know anyone
selling a baby Oleg, do you?
30
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,040
I don't... Don't, sorry.
..know of anyone.
31
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,960
Can you keep your ear to the ground,
please? Yeah, yeah, yeah, def...
32
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,680
Absolutely. Definitely, definitely.
33
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,520
Well?
34
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,280
Yeah, I just...
35
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,400
It's...
36
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:45,280
The thing is, it's just not really
what I'm looking for at the moment.
37
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:50,040
I... I'd still take it off your
ha-hands...
38
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:54,000
..for a small fee -
sort of, fiver or something.
39
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,360
Higher than that, maybe,
a little bit. Er...
40
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,200
I mean, what do you...?
What's fair?
41
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,920
50 would be...better. Yeah.
42
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,160
Yeah.
43
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,400
50 quid! I know.
44
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,520
It ain't worth 50p.
45
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,160
You didn't help, either.
Could have said something.
46
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:15,040
I did! Well, you know
it's not... Did I not?
47
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,920
Yeah... I was about to. It's obvious
there's no computer bit with this.
48
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:21,080
50 quid! You know it's not worth...
Da! Da, Da!
49
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,640
All right, Da?
All right, Da? All right.
50
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,760
Kurtan. Yeah? Got any work on?
Er...no. Why?
51
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:30,680
I've got a job,
if you fancy it. Er...
52
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,880
Well, I haven't got any work on.
What sort of job?
53
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:35,920
Bit of labouring,
heavy lifting and that. Yeah? Er...
54
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,840
I ain't got any work on. I dunno.
55
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,400
Cash in hand.
56
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,560
Yeah, all right, then.
Yeah, go on. Yeah.
57
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:44,040
I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven.
Yeah, nice one. Yeah, I...
58
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,040
I haven't got any work on.
Good, then. Yeah.
59
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,680
All right, see you, Da.
Cheers, Mart. See you. All right.
60
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,320
It would've been nice to work
with my dad and the lads,
61
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,360
but, if I'm honest,
62
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,520
it's probably best I keep my head
down at the moment, anyway.
63
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,080
Basically, somebody's been
sending me threatening letters,
64
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,360
and I don't know who's doing it -
65
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:09,040
and I am concerned, because my
peripheral vision is poor,
66
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,560
so, if somebody attacks me
from the sides
67
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,840
or snipes at me from
an upstairs window, I am fucked -
68
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,840
but my hearing is excellent, see?
69
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,040
So, I just need to spend a few
days inside honing my sonar,
70
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,680
and I'll be fine, then.
71
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,760
Mum, can I come in?
72
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,400
Well, do you think
you can go to the shop?
73
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,640
Cos we're out of loo roll.
74
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,920
I can't.
What if I get attacked or something?
75
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,120
I ain't worried about the
physical nature of the job.
76
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,760
I've done my fair
share of physical stuff.
77
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,120
The only thing I'm worried about
78
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,920
is fucking spending the whole
day with fucking Martin.
79
00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,680
A few rules.
80
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,320
No moaning, no complaining,
no negative Nancies. OK.
81
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,920
If you don't like the work,
the circus is in town
82
00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:07,560
and they're always
looking for clowns. Right.
83
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,560
30 minutes for lunch. Right.
84
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,920
Any longer than that gets taken
out of your wage packet... OK.
85
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,040
..and every Tuesday's cake Tuesday,
86
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,400
where you bring in a cake that
you've baked
87
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:18,720
for us all to share. OK.
88
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,640
Whoever has the least
delicious cake
89
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,960
has to buy the rounds in
at the Keeper's.
90
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,040
Right, OK. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.
91
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,960
Sorry, Martin,
just one more thing, mate.
92
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,720
Er... Your mug is your own
responsibility... Right.
93
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,120
..and if I find your dirty mug
sitting in the van,
94
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,600
I'll have absolutely no hesitation
in smashing it in the road. Capeesh?
95
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,000
Yeah. Understood.
96
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,560
There you go.
97
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,640
Just pop those
next to the cement mixer.
98
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,360
Jesus Christ.
99
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,960
Kurtan's just going to drown
like a pig in the sea.
100
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,600
You know, it's all well
and good him doing this job,
101
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,520
but if they start taking the piss
out of his nan or his birthmark,
102
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,680
his soul is just going to
crumble to dust.
103
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:55,720
Christ, you watch the Swindon game
last night?
104
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:56,880
Course I did.
105
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,080
What a joke.
106
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,440
Some of them are not fit to wear
the shirt, I say.
107
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,280
Ker said to me, she goes,
"You know that Luke Norris?"
108
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,680
She goes, "He gets paid two
grand to play football."
109
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,520
I said to her, "He doesn't get paid
two grand to play football,
110
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,720
"He gets paid two grand to
fall on his arse the whole game."
111
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,600
Sorry, Kursty,
can I just have a word, mate? Yeah.
112
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,640
Martin don't like it when other
people make jokes on the site.
113
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,000
He's the only one who is allowed to
make the jokes on-site. Right. OK.
114
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,520
So, that's that...
and, on top of the joke,
115
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:33,600
never, ever joke about
Swindon Football Club, ever.
116
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,360
Especially Luke Norris. Right.
117
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,680
Cos Martin used to play
darts with his dad,
118
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,720
and he basically sees
Luke like a son. OK.
119
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,280
So, if you ever think of any
other jokes, come to me, tell me,
120
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,960
and I'll pass them on to Martin,
121
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,320
and let you know if you find some
funny or not, all right?
122
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:48,600
Yeah. That's fine.
123
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,080
Cheers, Dan.
124
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,600
A hard hat may protect
you from a falling brick,
125
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,960
but it will not protect
you from banter.
126
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,600
You don't need a hard hat,
you need a hard heart.
127
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,440
Do you want a cup of tea, Kurst?
128
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,560
Oh, I'd bloody love one.
Cheers, Dan, mate.
129
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,640
Where's your mug, then?
130
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,360
Oh, shit.
131
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:09,840
I left it in the van.
132
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,120
Oh...
133
00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:17,440
Sweep that up, Kurst.
134
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,160
Yep.
135
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:22,920
Sort it out, Kursty.
136
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,520
Got another letter today,
137
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,160
and I think it's
the worst of the lot.
138
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:39,400
I'm no closer to finding out
who it is, either.
139
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,520
It's pretty scary,
cos they're coming through my door,
140
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,080
which means they probably
know where I live.
141
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,640
KNOCK AT DOOR
142
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,080
Oh, all right, Mand?
143
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:50,480
All right, Ker?
144
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,120
Yeah, just thought I'd let you know,
I've got the baby Oleg, now,
145
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,960
from a smoke-free home
and a pet-free home,
146
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,160
so, the set's complete,
147
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,440
if you want to come round and have a
look at 'em,
148
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,720
cos I remember you saying how much
you like the set, didn't you?
149
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,040
Oh, yeah, cheers, Mand.
150
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:05,440
You all right? Yeah.
151
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:06,840
What's the matter with your face?
152
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,040
Have you gone off
Compare The Meerkats.com, or what?
153
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,360
No, I ain't gone off
Compare The Meerkats.com, I just...
154
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,400
I should hope not -
I've come all the way over here,
155
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,080
cos you said about the baby Oleg,
and I thought you was interested.
156
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,600
Yeah, no, I am - I am really
interested in Oleg. Right.
157
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,240
What's the matter, then?
158
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:29,560
"Dear Kerry,
I cannot stop fantasising about you.
159
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,840
"My latest was the best.
160
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,960
"I'm cleaning out my shed
when you come in and tell me
161
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,600
"you want to sand down a chair leg,
162
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:44,040
"so you use my mouth as a vice
and tell me I cannot breathe.
163
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,200
"I breathe involuntarily
to stay alive,
164
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,640
"and you punch me in the lungs
and tell me how pathetic I am."
165
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,360
The sick, sick bastard.
166
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,640
It's just...
I don't know what to do, Mand.
167
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,720
It's all right, I'll help you.
168
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,240
We'll find him, yeah?
And we're going to fuck him up.
169
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,600
You'll be safe with me, Ker.
170
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:03,800
Oh, cheers, Mand.
171
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,520
That's all right, that's what I do.
172
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,640
Oh, dear! Oh, God...
173
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,800
Oh, no...
174
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,120
OK...
175
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,320
Oh, dear.
176
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:32,840
Oh, God. Oh, God.
177
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,280
No, no...
178
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,000
No.
179
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,480
No, that's bad.
180
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,240
Ooh...
181
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,760
And...
182
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,240
..out it goes.
183
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,280
That's it.
184
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,320
Just like that.
185
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,560
Right. Next load.
186
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,840
Just a quick question, Kursty. Yes.
187
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,800
Are you going to do it
like that every time?
188
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,600
I-I shouldn't think so, no. Right.
189
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,240
OK.
190
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,400
MANDY: Look at this.
191
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,720
Whoa.
192
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,040
I never leave the house
without a pair of these.
193
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,480
"Why?" You ask.
194
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,000
Well, this is why.
195
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,840
That's...
196
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,840
..really good. See that?
197
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,400
Pure martial arts.
198
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,160
Yah! Like that. Yeah.
199
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,480
Do a defence, or...
200
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,280
..you can do a punching...
201
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,120
"Yeah, whatever,
all right, mate, yeah..."
202
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,280
Yeah. Yah! Like that.
Don't worry, I've got me range.
203
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:47,320
Yeah. I've got me range.
204
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,640
What am I going to do now?
Defence, or punch? I don't know.
205
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:50,840
We don't know, we don't know.
206
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,920
It's a punch! Whaa!
207
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,520
And I can get quite close to you.
208
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,240
Yes.
209
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,000
Yeah.
210
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,680
I ain't struggling. No.
211
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,840
I made a few mistakes, yeah,
but it's my first day...
212
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,800
See you tomorrow.
213
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,120
..and the relentless windups
don't help, either -
214
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,680
cos Martin and Dan,
they had me looking for tartan paint
215
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,440
for about 45 minutes today.
216
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:24,120
I should've known, after the tartan
paint, that he was having me on,
217
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,040
cos I spent another 20 minutes
looking for striped paint.
218
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,920
It took me half an hour to work out
that...it's the same joke.
219
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,000
Oh, for fuck's sake!
220
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,720
I can't present that tomorrow.
221
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:54,400
Oh... They'll annihilate me.
That is sunken as hell.
222
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,560
You may as well just
stuff your face with it, Ker.
223
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:57,720
Nah, you're all right.
224
00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,320
Look, if you want the ganache,
you'll have to frost it yourself.
225
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,480
The mix is in the bowl... Mm.
226
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,120
.but I ain't doing it for you,
all right? Nah, I'm just not hungry.
227
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,280
What?
228
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,400
What?
229
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:12,720
What's wrong? Nothing.
230
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,560
You're off your food,
and that worries me greatly.
231
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:26,360
"Dear Kerry, I often see
you around the village.
232
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,840
"I have been having intense
fantasies about you
233
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,480
"that I feel I must share with you.
234
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,280
"My dream is that you come over
to mine in your Swindon shirt.
235
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:39,920
"You come in to fix my washing
machine, and you are all sweaty
236
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:43,240
"cos you have been playing
football in the park.
237
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,640
"You smell of BO...
238
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,360
"..but I don't mind.
239
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:52,520
"You are so strong,
your hands are like spanners.
240
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,080
"You lift me above your head
241
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,160
"and throw me to the
other side of the room,
242
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,040
"and smash me against the wall.
243
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:04,600
"We arm wrestle, and when you beat
me, you tell me how pathetic I am.
244
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,640
"I give you my belt to whip me with,
245
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,320
"and my trousers fall down,
246
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:14,160
"and you laugh at my genitals."
247
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,840
Threatening, innit?
248
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:18,960
Yeah.
249
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,280
That's...
They want to beat me up, don't they?
250
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,080
Yeah...
251
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,720
I wouldn't say...
252
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:29,640
It's sort of...
253
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:34,440
They... They want...
you to beat them up...
254
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,640
..but I don't think
they're beating you up.
255
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:39,680
Oh, really?
256
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,360
That's all right, then.
257
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:43,880
No. No, because...
258
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:50,400
Because they're getting,
like, a...a thing out of it.
259
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,440
What? What sort of thing out of it?
260
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,000
Like... Well...
261
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,640
Like...
262
00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,240
A sexual thing.
263
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,760
This really is not a good
situation for me.
264
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,440
A physical threat is something
that I can deal with,
265
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:11,720
but a sexual thing is
not my area of expertise.
266
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,760
Right, get your cakes out,
you pair of fannies. Go.
267
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,200
What you got today, Dan?
268
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,880
Victoria sponge, mate. Classic.
Oh, ho, ho! Lovely.
269
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,800
Oh, Dan, that's not bad at all.
270
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,440
Especially after your Battenberg
disaster. Cheers, Martin.
271
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:48,320
Right, Kurst,
what's your offering today?
272
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,920
Well...
273
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,080
There she is, in all her glory.
274
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,360
Lemon drizzle. What's this?
275
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:56,720
Is that shop-bought?
276
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:00,840
Yeah.
277
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,480
Sorry.
278
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,640
Look, I...
279
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,480
I did try and bake one myself,
I did,
280
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,640
but I just can't do it.
I can't bake.
281
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,720
Listen.
282
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:13,680
No baker gets it right
the first time.
283
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,960
That is the beauty of baking.
284
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,720
It's trial and error.
285
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,840
Do you think Dan could have produced
that exquisite Victoria sponge
286
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,880
without fucking up his Battenberg?
287
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,520
No. No way.
288
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:26,880
I mean, even the great Mr Kipling
289
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,560
would admit to fucking up his first
couple of Bakewells, right?
290
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:32,520
Yeah, I suppose he would. You need
to get some more confidence, Kurst.
291
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,000
Yeah. Yeah.
292
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,440
Well, do you know what? I think...
293
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:37,960
I think I'll give it
a bloody good go next time.
294
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,560
I really will, and I can't thank
you enough. You know?
295
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,800
That's the right attitude. Mm. Yeah?
296
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,360
But remember, you've got
to do the forfeit. Oh, yeah.
297
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,480
Well, what do you mean?
298
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,200
Well, you brought in a shop-bought,
so you got to do a forfeit, mate.
299
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,680
That's the rules. What forfeit?
300
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,720
Er...
301
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,000
Slap that drink out that
woman's hand. Yeah, go on, Kursty,
302
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,600
that'll redeem you.
No, that's Slugs, I know him.
303
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,000
Yeah, but so what?
304
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,200
It's just, I...
305
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,880
He's had a really hard time of it,
he's had cancer.
306
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:07,080
Oh, grow a pair, Kurst.
307
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,280
He ain't going to do it, Martin.
He's a fanny, ain't he?
308
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,040
No, I ain't a fanny. I just...
309
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,360
Oh, fuck...
310
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,800
All right, Kurtan?
311
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,080
All right, Slugs, mate?
312
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,560
All right, mate, how's it going?
313
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,640
It's not good.
314
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,000
Really? What's wrong?
315
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,560
Just really low, mate.
316
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,040
Why?
317
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,240
Just found out Kayleigh's been
sending messages
318
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,320
to other guys on Facebook.
319
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,960
Shit.
320
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,840
Wh-What sort of messages?
321
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,480
Sexual, mostly.
322
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:48,880
Oh, God.
323
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,880
So sorry to hear that, mate.
324
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:51,920
Thanks.
325
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,040
She said she doesn't know
what she wants. Yeah.
326
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,520
I'm going over there now to see
if I can work things out. Mm-hm.
327
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,320
Well, it will...
It will work itself out, mate.
328
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,960
It's... It always...
Yeah. I hope so.
329
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,520
Just really fucked in the head,
mate. Yeah.
330
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,000
I don't know what to do. Yeah.
331
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,240
That was good.
332
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,720
Oh, nice one, Kurtan.
Nice one, mate.
333
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,440
It's all right, it's all right.
It's all right.
334
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,200
Well, Mandy very kindly offered
to spend some time at my house
335
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,480
for protection and that.
336
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,400
She reckons it could be
quite serious,
337
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,920
and it could be very dangerous.
338
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,000
Isn't that right? Yeah.
339
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,560
Yeah, the reason
I have offered to protect Kerry
340
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:44,520
is cos I used to be in exactly
the same situation before,
341
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:48,760
cos I was a stalker for about
three or four years, and...
342
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,840
It got really bad at one point,
343
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,000
cos they were starring
in Jack And The Beanstalk
344
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,400
at the Everyman Theatre...
345
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:57,920
..I broke into their dressing room
and just...
346
00:16:57,920 --> 00:16:59,480
..I stole all their shoes and that.
347
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,040
Police got involved.
348
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,680
I thought you were stalked on.
349
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,800
No, I was the stalker.
350
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:09,920
Oh.
351
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,520
Yeah, cos the more I loved them,
the more they rejected me,
352
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,600
the more they rejected me,
the more I wanted to kill 'em, see?
353
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,880
That's just love, I suppose.
354
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:38,760
Cheers, John.
355
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,160
Shut up!
356
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,000
Fuckin' hell!
357
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,440
Jesus.
358
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,560
Fuckin' hell!
359
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,040
What did Sandra say? Oh, ho, ho!
Did she found out?
360
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:10,880
Oh, fucking hell, really, though?
361
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,000
Right.
362
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,160
TV: You lied to me, Mick.
363
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,200
I couldn't tell you any sooner,
because you wasn't here.
364
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,480
I asked you. I asked you
if you'd told me everything.
365
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,080
You kissed her twice, Mick.
366
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,680
I know.
367
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,760
You not going to go home, do you
think?
368
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,120
No. No...?
369
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:54,800
I can't... I can't protect
you from me house, can I?
370
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,120
I'd be all right tonight.
I'd be absolutely fine tonight.
371
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,600
You say that.
372
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,280
You know that night's the most
dangerous time, right?
373
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,720
Night-time was
when I did all my business.
374
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,920
Who...
Who was it that you did stalk?
375
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,520
I could... I'm not allowed to say
who it actually is,
376
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,880
but I can tell you that it was
a member of S Club 7 -
377
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,640
but I can't tell you which one.
Really?
378
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,840
Was it Bradley?
379
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,960
Bradley? No.
380
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,280
Paul? No.
381
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,800
Jon's the other one. No.
382
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,520
Tina?
383
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:28,840
No.
384
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,200
Jo? No.
385
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,280
Rachel Stevens. No.
386
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,200
Hannah Spearritt?
387
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:50,160
Yeah, go on, my son.
Wahey, there we go. There we go.
388
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:54,120
Fucking shots! No...!
Yeah, let's do shots, come on!
389
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,640
I don't know, mate.
390
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,520
Come on, John. Get the shots out.
391
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,160
Dan, you'll have a shot! I don't
know, maybe I will, maybe I won't.
392
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,440
Come on!
393
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,280
Maybe... Do a shot!
He's doing it now, isn't he?
394
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,320
Come on, you big,
bald fanny, do a shot!
395
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,560
Come on.
396
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:10,280
I don't mind getting them in.
Honestly. You'll do one.
397
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,440
Yeah?
398
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,120
How about one down the social, yeah?
Absolutely, mate, yeah.
399
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,080
Let's do it now.
Where we going? Social?
400
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,800
Cheers, John, mate.
Yeah. See you, John.
401
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,360
All right, see you...
See you tomorrow, lads. Yeah, yeah.
402
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:25,160
Oh... Fuck.
403
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,560
Rack 'em up, then, John.
404
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:28,920
Fuckin' hell.
405
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,360
Quickly, mate!
406
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:31,960
Yeah.
407
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,920
Fuck, what a night, tonight.
408
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,680
Pint to pint with Martin Mucklowe.
409
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,040
Absolutely battered last night.
410
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,720
Can't wait for a debrief
with the lads, as well.
411
00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,000
Cor! Last night was a random one,
wasn't it?!
412
00:20:58,360 --> 00:20:59,440
Cor.
413
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,080
Checked my phone this morning,
414
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,280
only text my ex about six
times last night!
415
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,680
One of... One of them was a video
of the crying for about 10 minutes.
416
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,120
What a numpty.
417
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,560
Can't even remember
getting home, either.
418
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,280
So, you're not fit for work, then?
419
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,240
Well...
We were all drinking last night.
420
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,000
Ain't we all a bit worse for wear?
No.
421
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:23,200
I can metabolise a pint in five
minutes. Dan in seven.
422
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:27,640
You, on the other hand, were taking
the piss out of me and my site,
423
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,160
and I've got two words
for you, eh, Dan?
424
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,080
See ya. Yeah. See ya.
425
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,520
What are you on about?
426
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,960
I don't work with clowns,
I only work with kings.
427
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:40,120
What, y-you're... You're sacking me?
428
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,240
What have I done?
I haven't done anything wrong.
429
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,040
What have I done wrong? Well...
430
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,360
Is this about me calling you
a big, bald fanny last night?
431
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,520
Cos the atmosphere just totally
changed after that.
432
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,800
Yeah, well, to be fair, mate,
433
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,760
it was bang out of order, wasn't it?
Oh, my...
434
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:58,040
I knew it was. That...
Do you know how sad that is?
435
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:01,400
That is so, actually, sad,
that makes me so sad for you,
436
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,120
that you can't take a joke.
437
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:06,640
That was just a joke, and you're
sacking me for making a joke.
438
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,840
That is...
What am I going to do for work?
439
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,200
Go to joke school.
440
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,560
Well, if I need to go
to joke school,
441
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,840
you need to go back to
shagging school, then, mate.
442
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,160
What do you mean? Yeah.
443
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:18,960
I overheard your Sandra
in the post office,
444
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:20,640
saying, yeah, you might
have a big knob,
445
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,760
but you don't know what
the bloody hell to do with it.
446
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,160
Right, that's it, you get off the
site now. I'm going, mate.
447
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,440
All the gear, no idea.
448
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,600
I will not miss
working for Martin Mucklowe.
449
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,320
He is a disturbed individual.
450
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:41,120
Did you hear him say he got
tossed off by his mother-in-law?
451
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:42,480
She's 86.
452
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,080
I'd rather shag Kerry's mum...
453
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,000
..and to think, he's done 'em both.
454
00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:03,880
Yes!
455
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,280
Bakers...
456
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,160
KNOCK AT DOOR
457
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,440
Someone's here!
458
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,120
Whoa!
459
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:12,560
Are you all right?
460
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,480
You was lucky. Yeah.
461
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:17,560
Are you all right?
462
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:18,720
Yeah.
463
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,800
How was work? Oh...
464
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,120
I got sacked. Why?
465
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,320
I really can't be arsed
explaining about it now.
466
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,840
What are you playing?
467
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,120
Happy Families.
468
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:31,040
Can I play?
469
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,640
Yeah, I've pretty much
won this round, anyway.
470
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,960
What's the rules, again?
471
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:44,480
Mandy makes up the rules each...
I don't make 'em up. No.
472
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,560
That's what they are. Yeah.
473
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,680
Two goes for the eldest...
Yeah. Yeah.
474
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,760
Which is Mandy.
475
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,800
Two cards - one, one, two.
476
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,760
One, one, two.
477
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,520
One, one, one, two.
478
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,160
One, one, two.
479
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,400
One, one, two...
LETTERBOX RATTLES
480
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:07,760
Ooh, it's another letter!
481
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:10,760
This is it! Right!
482
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,360
MAN SHOUTS
483
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:13,840
Get back, get back.
484
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,600
Oh... Here he is. Dan?!
485
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,400
How are you doing, mate?
What the fuck?!
486
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,720
Sit down! I'm not...
All right! Christ!
487
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,680
I was just coming by to give Kurtan
the recipe for my Victoria sponge,
488
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,240
because I know how much he likes it.
489
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:26,600
What's this letter, then?
490
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,680
That's not... That's just...
I mean...
491
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:31,960
"Dear Kerry, today I fantasised
492
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,440
"that you were dressed
as Miss Trunchbull from Matilda,
493
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:38,480
"and you were trying out
some new boxing gloves,
494
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,960
"and you didn't have a punchbag,
495
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,560
"so I let you
try them out on my balls."
496
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:45,240
Fuck's sake!
497
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:48,080
This some sort of wankfest
for you, is it?
498
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,720
Objectifying some poor girl
for your own pleasure?
499
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,880
It ain't like that, right?
500
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,720
I wank over her as a compliment.
501
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,240
Right? I don't mean nothing by it.
502
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:57,880
Oh, it's a compliment, is it?
503
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:02,640
Kerry, how does it feel to have some
dirty pervert wanking over you?
504
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,320
Er...
505
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,280
Well...
506
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,320
Like, the strength stuff's
all right.
507
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:14,960
I think that's quite good.
508
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,720
It's just the other stuff,
509
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,760
I really, really, really,
really don't like it.
510
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,160
All right, well, you know,
I can respect that, and...
511
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,560
I think I just got a bit carried
away with the whole thing.
512
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:26,920
I wouldn't do it if I knew you
didn't like it, you know?
513
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:30,080
Yeah. Cos, I mean, like the stuff
about me being strong and that,
514
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,720
I don't mind...
515
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:34,840
That's the bit I don't mind.
516
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:38,200
No... So, that's quite good.
Yeah, it's all right.
517
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,520
There's no harm in it, is there?
Strength stuff. No.
518
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,200
Can I just say one thing? Yeah.
519
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:45,560
I didn't mind the strength stuff.
You didn't mind it? No.
520
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:48,960
Well... Yeah, I... I'm with you
on that. Yeah, me, too.
521
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,280
All right, then. Well...
522
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,800
What if I was to write another
letter, right? Mm. Right.
523
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,200
Bear with me.
524
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,680
Kerry's working
in the garage, right?
525
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,560
Strongest girl
in the whole garage, right?
526
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,600
She doesn't even need
a jack to lift the car up,
527
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,000
she does everything by her hands.
528
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,560
That is strong.
Proper strong. Right?
529
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,680
One day, Land Rover comes in,
massive, right? Really heavy -
530
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:09,920
and you end up actually
lifting it so high,
531
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,440
you lift the whole thing
above your head, you're that strong.
532
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:13,640
How's that?
533
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:15,480
That... That's the end of the story?
534
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,880
Well, then, yeah. That's good.
Yeah. That's great.
535
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:22,880
I think that's good, that's fine.
That's really good, that.
536
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:25,560
Yeah. It's good... It's a
good story about strength... Yeah.
537
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,000
..and there is nothing sexual,
538
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,880
and I'm happy with that, if you are.
I'm happy, yeah. Now I know -
539
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,840
cos I wouldn't write
anything sexual about you.
540
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,960
Jesus, I don't want you coming
round, beating me up.
541
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,760
Yeah, we would beat you up.
We'd beat you up.
542
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,720
Well, mainly Mandy,
I know you're not really...
543
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:39,200
No, I would beat you up, as well.
544
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,040
You're not really a fighter,
are you?
545
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,800
I am a fighter.
That's what I live for.
546
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,160
What, you've been in fights?
Yeah, I've been in fights.
547
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,440
I was in a fight with Darren Macy
at the bus...bus shelter.
548
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,480
I grabbed him by the hood and
just smashed his face into a wall.
549
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,920
So, if you ever send me
a letter again, yeah,
550
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,200
I will absolutely batter you, mate.
551
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,200
Oh, Ker, Ker, Ker... What?!
552
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,000
You've given him a stonk on.
Oh, my God. Oh, Christ. Well...
553
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,360
All right, let's get out of here.
554
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,160
All right! Come on, you.
Christ, I'm going.
555
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:10,400
All right! Get out, you dirty,
dirty, dirty, disgusting bastard.
556
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:11,520
All right, Christ!
557
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,720
Well, that was fucking weird.
558
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,360
Yeah.
559
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,080
Are you all right?
560
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:24,320
I think so.
561
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,200
Do you want to play Happy Families?
562
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,240
Yeah. Yeah?
563
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:44,320
I'm so relieved all that is just
finished with. Yeah.
564
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,480
It's not even him, it was her.
565
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,080
Oh? I just thought
she'd never, ever leave.
42386
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